The following Friday began the worst rainstorm that Minnesota had ever seen. The next day was the Ducks' away game against the Ramsey Rhinos and with practice cancelled due to the rain, they were all more nervous than usual.
Julie was trapped in the rehab facility with Portman, who was due to get out on Monday. They'd been spending a lot of time together recently, ever since Portman's sort of confession about his maybe feelings for her.
"Wait so, the whole team saw them naked?" Portman said, laughing hysterically.
Julie nodded. "Uh huh. God, I wish you been there. It was literally the best thing that's happened ever!"
Portman clapped his hands together. "Aw, man! I can't believe Connie pulled that off! I couldn't even have done that!"
Julie's laughter died down and she smiled. "Yeah. Connie's, uh . . . she's really the best. I don't know if anyone else would've done that for me,"
Portman looked thoughtful for a moment. "You know, I, uh, I feel bad about calling her a . . . I don't know. Forget it. I'm not a pussy. Only pussies apologize,"
It was things like this that made Julie reconsider becoming friends with him. He could be so judgmental and the last thing that Julie needed in her life right now was judgment. "You're not a pussy for feeling bad about being an asshole. You're human,"
Portman shrugged. "Yeah, well, sometimes being human really sucks,"
"Not all the time. I mean yeah, sometimes things really suck, but most of the time, I think it's pretty great to be a human,"
"Being human means overdosing on coke. Being human means really wishing my parents were here when I've hardly talked to them in five years and being human means really liking this one girl who's completely out of my league," Portman looked away from her, clearly embarrassed. Julie blushed and bit her lip. "But I'm not human,"
Julie moved closer next to him on his bed. "Y'know . . . why did you start doing drugs? I mean, in all the time I've been visiting you we've never really talked about it,"
Portman leaned back, kicking at the floor and avoiding eye contact with her again. "Is it weird that I don't know? It just seemed fun at the time and then . . . I couldn't stop,"
"It's not weird. It actually makes sense,"
"Seriously? Cause Fulton says it's stupid,"
"Maybe it is, but it makes sense. We all do things that are stupid sometimes. Like me – maybe I'm stupid for trusting Averman and Goldberg – I'm sorry. I'm being stupid, comparing my boy problems to your drug problems,"
Portman shook his head and put his hand on her shoulder. "No, you're not being selfish and you weren't being stupid. You're – you're a good person, Julie. You should be allowed to have faith in people without them screwing you over because you deserve it,"
It was all Julie could take not to kiss him. It worried her because she had never looked at him that way before, but now, in this moment – things were different. They were looking up and she didn't know how she could feel this way about Portman who had always been nothing but a team mate, a team mate who called her babe and made stupid jokes and pushed people around. But now, he was Dean. Dean who smiled up at her with a charm that she'd always assumed just came from movie stars.
She didn't kiss him, but she wanted to.
"Thank you," was all she said in place of it.
Charlie sat in the small bedroom that had once belonged to Hans in the back of the skate shop. Jan was at his apartment down the block and his mother was staying with a friend out of town. He was supposed to be working here tonight but it wasn't like anyone was coming around with the storm outside. Charlie was shocked school hadn't been cancelled that day with all the flooding. It took the bus over an hour to get him to his house after school.
So there he sat at Hans's desk scribbling in his History notebook when he heard "Hello? Jan?" coming from the skate shop. The voice was familiar and Charlie practically jumped up at it and walked out to come face to face with Adam Banks.
Adam actually jumped when he saw Charlie, his skates flew out of his hands and onto the floor. He was drenched from the rain. Charlie ran over and helped him pick up his things. They looked up at each other when Charlie handed them back to him and Adam backed away from him slowly.
"Adam, uh –"
"Is Jan here?" he managed out.
"Uh, no. Just me,"
He nodded slowly. "Oh, um . . . I don't want to bother you . . . I just –"
"Adam, why are you here? This is the worst storm in years. You shouldn't be coming here to get your god damn skates sharpened,"
"My dad – um, he asked me to – he wants me to be on my game tomorrow. You know, there's gonna be scouts there and I've got to start thinking about those things and . . . anyway, I just – sorry. Um, I should go –"
Charlie pulled him back before he could leave. Adam looked down from his arm and then back up at him. "I can sharpen them for you," said Charlie.
"No, I – I don't want to bother you,"
"It's no big deal, really," Charlie shrugged and took the skates from him. Adam kept trying to argue with him, but he ignored it. He took the skates over to the machine and turned it on. As he waited for it to heat up, he leaned back on the counter. "You drove here right? You didn't like – take the bus or something?"
"No, uh, yeah. I drove," said Adam.
"Do you want a towel or something? You're all wet –" Charlie walked to the backroom and tossed the towel at Adam who ran it through his hair a couple of times.
"Thank you,"
"Mmmhmm," Charlie took one the skates and began running them over the sharpener over and over again. Adam watched him do it, although he was thinking more about Charlie's hands more than anything. How strong and graceful they were and he felt stupid thinking that because he couldn't afford to think like that anymore.
The boys were silent all the way until the time Charlie turned off machine and handed his skates back to him. Adam started to pull his wallet from his pocket, but Charlie stopped him. "No, uh, this one's on me,"
Adam smiled. "Thanks,"
He turned to leave again but Charlie couldn't let that happen. He had felt so guilty lately like he wasn't being a good enough friend to Adam even though he should be. Everyone else was avoiding him and Charlie didn't want to do that. He wanted to be by his side. "Wait, Adam – I . . . you know . . . do you want to stay here for the night?"
Adam raised his eyebrows, confused. "I uh, I'm staying here in Hans's old room. You could stay over. We could hang out, have some beers, talk. The two of us don't really talk anymore, we should talk."
Adam heard Julie's voice in his head then, saying "Go for it, idiot!" but his own voice was telling him "No. Don't do this. You're gonna end up being all gay and shit." The part of his brain that wasn't rational, the part that had convinced him to come out in the first place said "Yeah, sure."
And then he realized he'd said it out loud by Charlie's charming smile and the way butterflies entered his stomach. Charlie took the skates from him and placed them on the counter. He motioned for Adam to follow him. He did, trying to be as quiet as possible.
Charlie led him to a room in the back that Adam had never seen in all the times he'd been there. It was a bedroom. Before he could even ask about it, Charlie said, "This is uh, this is it. Hans' old room."
"Why are you staying here?" Adam asked.
Charlie hid his face. "It's a, uh, it's a long story,"
He wanted to question it further, wanted to ask if everything was okay at home but he knew he wouldn't like the answer. Charlie reached under his bed and pulled out a six pack of beer. He lifted it onto the bed. He noticed Adam's surprised expression and smirked, "When I said drink, I meant drink. Y'know, loosen you up a bit. I mean damn, Banksy, you couldn't be any tighter,"
The sexual way that could've been taken didn't go past Adam and he blushed. He knew that they had a game the following day, but a few drinks couldn't hurt. He never got totally shitfaced anyway. So he sat down on the bed next to Charlie, a little farther from him than necessary. Charlie cracked open a can and handed it to him and then did the same for himself.
They both took quiet sips and then Charlie said, "My mom and I left my stepdad,"
Adam nearly choked on his beer. He had always been a teammate of Charlie's and it was his dream to call himself a friend of his, but he never thought that he would be a confidante for him. Of all people, why would Charlie choose him to confide in? He was just Adam. He didn't know what to say in response, so he didn't say anything. "He was . . . he was . . . beating her. He's been beating her for years and I try so hard to keep her safe but I just – I finally got her to leave,"
Adam was the first person Charlie had told (aside from Jan). He didn't know what had come over him, why he suddenly decided that Banks of all people was the best person to tell but he was. He was quiet. He wouldn't say anything about it. He wouldn't tell him what to do like Linda or say something like "that's fucked up" like Fulton or put her head on his shoulder and pity him like Connie. Adam would listen to him and he did.
"It's uh – I guess it's stupid that we didn't go sooner but I guess she just wanted to believe that the pain was all in her head. Like . . . it wasn't real but the love was," he sighed. "It was the other way around,"
"I'm sorry," said Adam.
Charlie nodded. "It's fine now, though. We're here, we're away from him,"
"Are they getting divorced?"
"Can't afford a lawyer,"
"Bombay?"
He shook his head. "Nah, she's too embarrassed. Doesn't want him to know,"
Adam didn't even have to think before he said, "You know, my dad – my dad, he um, he has a um, he has a lawyer. I could um, maybe, y'know, if you want – I could get him for you,"
Charlie's entire face lit up. "Seriously?"
Adam nodded. "Only if you want,"
"No, I – that would be great! Thank you! That's like – the coolest fucking thing anyone's ever done for me! Thank you!" Charlie jumped forward and wrapped his arm around Adam who could do nothing but pat him awkwardly on the back. They pulled apart and Charlie patted his shoulder and then took a swig of beer. "Seriously, Adam, thank you!"
"It's no big deal. Just let me talk to my dad,"
"Yeah, of course! Thanks, man!"
Adam nodded and then the two of them were quiet again. Charlie's excitement died down and the two of them sipped at their beers awkwardly until they each needed another one. When Charlie was nearly half way done with his second one, he said blatantly, "How did you know you were gay?"
Once again, Adam nearly choked. This was the last fucking thing he wanted to talk about, especially with Charlie of all people. Charlie on the other hand was tipsy and in a curious mood and he was feeling so elated about the whole lawyer thing he couldn't help but ask something he'd been wondering. More than usual lately.
"I . . . you know . . . I guess I . . . just knew,"
Charlie turned to him. "Like when other guys turn twelve and they start looking at Playboys?"
Adam nodded. "Yeah, I guess except no Playboys,"
"So did you like – did you always know, though? I mean, did you look at boys instead of girls, always?"
"I don't really – I mean, I don't try and look at anyone. Being on the ice is more important to me than anything. I couldn't look at someone like that – or, I don't know, maybe just people. I couldn't look at a group of men like that because . . . I don't know . . ."
"You care more about hockey than guys?"
Adam nodded. It wasn't a lie. As much as he loved Charlie, he loved hockey more and he didn't think there was a force anywhere that could change that.
Charlie finished his beer. "I don't – I don't think you should have another," said Adam. "Game tomorrow,"
He nodded. "Yeah, you're probably right,"
And then there was silence again and then Charlie coughed awkwardly. "But um, you know, was there – like . . . when did you know? Like for sure?"
"I guess . . ." Adam hated talking about himself. If he could, he'd never do it again. Talking to Julie about himself was one thing because it was like – well, she was Julie and he was Adam. It just fit. She was his person. But Charlie wasn't. Charlie was just a guy he loved who didn't love him back and talking about himself to him felt unnatural. "Freshmen year, maybe."
"Did you tell anyone when you figured it out?"
"Julie,"
"Really?" Charlie said.
"She's my best friend,"
Charlie started laughing and Adam smiled and then started chuckling too. "What? What is it?"
He shook his head, "It's just – it's just, the team used to think the two of you had something going on,"
Adam laughed at that and knocked his beer can off the bed by accident, which just made Charlie giggle even more. "Oh God, that's just wrong,"
He corrected himself then, stopping his laughing and realizing he'd said something wrong. "I mean – not 'wrong' but I – y'know, I don't swing that way. If I did, I mean, yeah, we'd probably be together but I'm happy that we're not. Relationships screw everything up and what I have with Julie – it's everything to me,"
"That must be nice," said Charlie.
"You don't have a person like that?"
He shrugged. "Fulton's probably my best friend, but he's not – he's not what Julie is to you. I can't really talk to him about serious things,"
Adam understood that. That's what most of his friendships were like. Julie was special.
"So what did she say when you told her?" Charlie asked.
"I don't really remember. I was super drunk, like the most wasted I've ever been in my life and I – it kind of just came out," he realized what he'd said and smirked. "Literally, I guess,"
Adam had purposely left out the part about the crying. "I didn't know you got drunk," said Charlie.
"Not anymore. I stopped after freshmen year. I get stupid when I drink – like really stupid,"
"Gimme an example."
Adam leaned back, "Like I did a bunch of stuff with girls just because fucking Reilly told me to. Actually, I guess that's how I knew I was gay – feeling nothing when you're up to your neck in pussy,"
Charlie burst out laughing and Adam joined in. He couldn't remember ever feeling this elated – it was like coming up for fresh air for the first time in days. It was easy for him to feel happy and carefree with Charlie. Before Eden Hall, things had been that way. Charlie had this amazing ability of being able to make him relax when no one else could – of course, this ability had gone away once Adam discovered his feelings, but here it was, back and just as amazing as ever.
The laughter died down slowly and all Charlie could think about was Adam being gay. He couldn't think of an explanation as to why it was so interesting to him and he was too tipsy to care about how Adam might feel about it.
"Lemme just – lemme ask you this," Charlie said, the bright smile still on his face. "If you had to go for any guy on the team – who would it be?"
Adam felt hot, like Charlie was reading his mind or something, like he knew all of his secrets. "I've never thought about it," he managed out.
"Oh, come on! I won't tell anyone, I swear! I'll even tell you about the sex dream I had about Julie once," Charlie nudged his shoulder. He was being so goofy, but he couldn't help it. This was the first time he'd felt genuinely happy in weeks.
Adam ignored the sex dream about Julie bit and shrugged, "I don't know – like I said, hockey's more important. And having a thing for a team mate never works out well, just look at Connie and Guy,"
Charlie made a face and Adam didn't know what it was meant to express, but he sure looked cute. "Connie and Guy love each other. They're both just stubborn and dumb. But if you're not stubborn, love is great! Now come on, if everyone on the team was gay, who would you go for?"
Adam got an idea then. He smiled wickedly. "Okay, well if you were gay and everyone on the team was gay, who would you go for?"
"Honestly?"
Adam nodded.
When thinking about this later on, Charlie would blame the alcohol for his bluntness because that was the only good excuse he could think of. It was a stupid thing to think of and an even stupider thing to say but the worst part of it was that it was the truth. "You."
And it was at that exact moment that Adam felt the whole world fall on his shoulders. Charlie sat in front of him and Charlie was saying this to him. It wasn't like it was a dream or some fantasy he was having in homeroom – no, this was real life. He'd fantasized about this a million times but that's all it ever was to him, a fantasy. And now with Charlie right there, he just sort of let the words flow out of him without thinking first. "Why? Why me? You don't – you don't have to say that,"
"I'm not just saying that," Charlie says and he thinks this might be the most sincere he's ever been with anyone. "I mean it. I mean, you're nice and you're a great hockey player and you – you understand,"
"What does that mean?"
"It means that I can be myself with you. I don't have to hide things and I don't know if I feel that way with anyone else," Charlie moved closer to him, but he didn't know he was doing it. All he was focused on was Adam.
"We don't . . . we don't talk," Adam recalled, trying to find some way to test whether or not this was real.
"We used to," said Charlie. "Remember?"
"That was before Eden Hall,"
There was a quiet moment between them before Charlie said, "Yeah, but it's still there. You know like, when I look at you at practice I think about how you're so quiet and it's easy to forget you're there off the ice but I don't. You know?"
When Adam didn't say anything, Charlie continued. "I mean, like, you're special. No one knows anything about you because you keep to yourself and you don't get involved in other people's business and on the Ducks that's a rare thing. Everyone knows everything about everyone but you don't want to. It's like you don't even care. All you care about is hockey! I mean – fuck. I didn't mean that to be a bad thing but you like, you uh, you like hockey best! And I guess you must really like us because you came out to us and the guys don't like it but –"
"The guys don't like it?"
In Charlie's alcohol clouded mind, he'd forgotten that he was trying to keep certain things under wraps from Adam. But then he remembered that Adam already knew this and Adam smiled to let him know he was joking.
They laughed together again.
"See, that's what I mean! I love these moments where you open up and they're so rare and I don't get to be around for them but if I went gay for you I'd get to see them all the time,"
Adam's laughter died down and he stared at Charlie's lips, his blue eyes popping in the dimly lit room. They were closer together now than before and without thinking, Charlie put his hand on Adam's waist. He looked down at his hand and then back at his lips and slowly their lips met. Adam pulled apart quickly, looking angry with himself.
"I – I'm sorry," he said, shaking his head.
Charlie paused and considered this for a mere moment before saying, "Don't be," He planted his lips firmly on Adam's and tangled his hands in his hair and after a few seconds, Adam kissed him back.
It was better than anything Adam had ever experienced. He'd imagined kissing Charlie a million times but never did he think that it would actually happen. He was the best thing in the world, Charlie was. Adam wrapped his own hands around Charlie, moving them off his face and they found each other's waists. Charlie pulled at Adam's shirt and Adam pulled back, letting him toss the shirt over his head. They kissed again instantly, not wanting to be apart for longer than was necessary. And then Charlie pulled off his own sweater and pushed Adam down on the bed so that he was on top of him, kissing him more desperately than ever.
They stayed that way for what felt like forever and neither of them minded. For both Adam and Charlie, the last few months had been some of the worst of their lives and this was the first good thing to happen in so long. It felt right. It felt real. Adam wasn't thinking about hockey. Charlie wasn't thinking about where he was going to live. All they were thinking about was each other.
And then the kissing stopped and Charlie looked at Adam under hooded eyes and it took every ounce of willpower Adam had not to pop a boner – but then he looked down and saw that he already had. Charlie too, had noticed. His lips pressed against Adam's neck then and he let out a soft groan. He kissed all around his jaw and then down his neck, chest and when he got to his jeans, he stopped. "Charlie, we don't have to –" Adam said quickly, embarrassed by how raspy his voice was.
"Shut up," Charlie shook his head and unzipped his pants and then pulled down his boxers. Adam didn't want to watch Charlie pull out his dick – he didn't want to see if his face would be disappointed. But Charlie didn't even allow time to think. He wrapped his hand around Adam and started jerking him off hard and fast.
Adam laid back on the mattress and he could watch this part because this had to be the hottest thing he'd ever seen in his life. He was so distracted that he hadn't even thought about getting Charlie off until he looked at him and saw that he was just as hard. Adam sat up slowly and Charlie stopped. "What's wrong?"
Adam responded by moving to sit next to Charlie and pulling out his dick, jerking it like he would his own. Charlie surprised Adam by moaning loudly and throwing his head back. He quickly snapped himself out of it and began stroking Adam like before.
Adam came first and it took another two or so minutes to get Charlie there. Charlie came with a hard groan that ended in their lips being pressed together once more.
And then Charlie started laughing. Laughing so hard that Adam had to pull away from their kiss and when he did, Adam furrowed his brow, concerned. "What?"
"We just did it in Hans's bed,"
Adam stuck his tongue out in disgust but Charlie's easy laughter made him giggle too and before he knew it, the two of them were lying down on the bed again. Neither of them had realized how completely exhausted they were and within minutes, they were passed out asleep. Charlie would later wonder how he got any sleep at all that night and Adam would wonder why he didn't wake Charlie up so they could talk about what had just happened.
Author's Note: So yeah. That happened. I know that some of you aren't too fond of the Charlie/Adam relationship but as a queer woman putting LGBT relationships into my work is very important. I have this entire work mapped out and I hope I will not disappoint you with where things go! Please let me know what you think.
