I'm incredibly sorry for sucking at review replies….RL has been so hectic and instead of replying I focus what time I do have in making sure you guys have another chapter ready for your enjoyment! Thank you all for your patience and trust on this journey…love you all!
Disclaimer: This story will have very harsh at points. There will be heart wrenching moments… I warn you now. You may hate a character or two but I promise no matter how bad it gets … there will be an HEA…. I believe everyone deserves a second chance and so this will be a journey of growth, humility, and finding the simple joys in life… the things that truly matter.
I need to thank my team… Stephanie, Kyla, Rachel, Bev, and Cheryl. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I know I hit you all with so many chapters last week. You never once complained, you just guys held my hand as I poured my heart out with this… I couldn't do this without all the love and helpful, encouraging words you always have for me… I truly love you all!
Also, if you want a sneak peek at future chapters and juicy pics that go with the story, join me on Face Book…My name is Reyes Fanfiction and the group is called Massy's Minions… come join my craziness and get you're extra fix of...It Isn't Over Yet and my other story.
Twilight isn't mine you know this … I know this… soooo moving
Playlist
Keith Urban - Stupid Boy
Three Doors Down- Here Without You
Chapter 11
Edward's POV
Four years and I'm all alone….
I do.
I do.
I don't...
Those two words, well at least the ones that don't end in do…could have taken me out of the never ending abyss of self-hatred and manipulation that I currently live in.
I trusted her.
Thought she knew what was best for me...for my future. My own siblings resented me for the preference she always showed. I never understood their animosity, but you claimed that they were just jealous.
Jealousy.
Another dominant feeling, that currently resides in me. It torments my every waking moment, every time I think of this past summer and see those pools of warm chocolate that drive me insane.
An invisible knife wedges itself deeper as I remember the hurt I saw on your face and the way you flinched when you heard my voice…I really did break you.
My siblings had spoken of how withdrawn and non responsive you were that day…over dinner. But I had refused to believe anything they said. I thought you were just putting on one of your melodramatic shows, so everyone could pity you and make me look like the bad guy. To me, you were just being disrespectful and hurtful towards the ones I loved and who loved me in return.
She told me you ignored Alice and made her cry.
That you glared and even spoke with venom, every time you turned to one of them.
Hatred and bitterness were all that was left of you.
Lies, all lies.
I see that now, but back then…I believed the worst of you and your intentions with me.
I believed her, every time she said, "You were born to lead." I was completely and utterly full of myself...to her I was the golden child...her goose that would lay that higher society golden egg.
Why would anyone ever doubt those words, especially coming from the one person who should always love and protect you?
Mother.
A mother should only want her child's happiness above her own. She should nurture, protect, and guide...not lie, manipulate or selfishly use for her own personal gain.
One would think.
I trusted mine...yeah, and ultimately I paid a hefty price. I lost the one person in this world I love; I lost my innocent little Bella.
Instead of following my heart and doing what was right, I let her...Esme…fill my head with thoughts of grandeur and what she believed mattered in this world.
Money.
Status.
Respect.
Power.
I had them all now...yet, I find myself having an empty life, a life full of regret.
I should have never let you go.
I should have fought for us.
I shouldn't have believed the bullshit I was fed.
But now, now when my eyes are wide and I'm all alone...
I miss you, I miss...us.
Holding hands as I walked you to your next class.
The small chaste kisses you gave as I carried your lunch over to our table. I loved the fact that seniors shared lunch periods with sophomores. To me it meant more time with my Baby Girl.
Sad, how the highlight of my day consists of the few minutes each night that I allow myself to remember.
Our first kiss still burns on my lips.
You were so innocent, young...trusting.
I never deserved your trust. I sometimes curse the fact you were so open and understanding. You allowed me to lead and look where that got us...miserable and worlds apart.
My father warned me, as he divorced Esme, that she was a manipulating, self centered, money hungry vapid woman. Of course I punched him...thinking, How could he say that about the woman who spent thirty years by his side.
I thought he was heartless as I watched my mother cling to me and cry. She claimed he left her without protection, love or financial stability.
I fell for her games every time.
It wasn't until she introduced me to the new Mrs. Edward Cullen...that I saw her for what she truly was. She pushed Jane Volturri down my throat, til I gave in and asked her out.
That gained me her approval and praise, while Alice and Em just watched on, shaking their heads and looking at me with pity.
I hated having anyone's pity.
Our relationship was more of a chore than a pleasure. We were only allowed to be seen in the highest of snobby circles. Attending every stupid, boring and ostentatious gala we could.
Fundraisers and rubbing elbows became all I knew; as I was molded to tailor fit what they perceived to be right.
Esme and Jane quickly became a force to be reckoned with and ultimately my worst nightmare.
Plotting, arranging, and finally deciding that my bachelor days were over.
I should have fought her and stuck to my guns, but once again...I was weak against her and failed. Never have I cursed being a momma's boy more than at that moment.
Her glory became my misery.
Its moments like these that take me back to the night I broke you. That cursed night I was so cruel. At the time, I justified my actions by the anger you seemed to bring out of me.
I was angry at you for making me fall in love with you.
Angry because you didn't fit into the future she had laid out for me.
Angry because you made me hate my mother for making me see you weren't enough...at that time.
Everyone in that stupid town put me on a ridiculous pedestal and expected me to be successful. No one cared about the weight that rested on my shoulders. I was made to feel like a lab rat...pulled in different directions and they all pulled me away from you.
I was expected to have the best education, profession, cars and I'm ashamed to admit, but women as well.
You were the most beautiful thing in my world, but unfortunately outside those county lines...you were average to everyone else.
To me you were a breath of fresh air.
Sweet, kind, generous and you never asked for more than what I was willing to give. You loved me with everything you had and even though at the end I didn't show it...I loved you, no, I still love you…more than life itself.
So here I am on my wedding night, watching the Miami skyline and wondering where you are.
Are you still with the tall fucker I saw pulling you into his arms, the one that broke me in two as he held you?
Does he treat you right?
Give you everything you need?
Love you like I couldn't?
My stomach turns on that last thought. It kills me to think of another man touching what was once mine...but I lost by my own doing.
Funny...if it were us who had just said our 'I do's,' we would be devouring each other. I would be buried inside you and never wanting to leave. I would spend hours worshiping every inch of your milky white skin. Bringing you over that proverbial ledge, that brought pleasure and satisfaction to us both.
But instead, you're off in Orlando and I'm here...alone, miserable, and married to a selfish bitch.
A bitch so callous, that as we speak, she's downstairs with her 'besties' drinking and celebrating the fact that she bagged a Cullen.
My life has turned into a living, breathing hell, and I deserve every minute of it. This is the cross I bear, and deserve, for what I did to you...to us.
So this is where he's at the four year mark. Next chapter we will go back and see him from right before the break up, to current position. I hope you all give him a chance to explain, but remember not all reasoning has to be dramatic and life altering…Some people just makes mistakes. He was a young and stupid and is finally seeing what his own weakness and blindness caused.
Bare with me folks…I will try my best to stay on schedule with the next few chapters, but bear in mind that I have another story and just finished a l'il drabble called I'm Sexy and I Know It! If you haven't read it and are in the mood for a different kind of Edward…check it out. All I will say is Pimp Daddyward!
See you in two weeks!
