A/N – First – Thanks so much so sticking with me. This work has truly become something special to me and I appreciate you reading along.
I wanted to take a minute to comment on Emma's reactions in the last chapter. This teen side of her has not had the time or attention of care the six year old version has had with Regina in the spelled life or enough of it yet in this one. Hence why she has yet to call Regina Mama. It's there, almost, but not quite. Emma is very much her teenage emotions and mindset right now. In her first go around at being a teenager in life was full of loss and heartache and a desperate need to belong. Less and less of the adult rational mind she has remains with each shift. The effects of the spell, like in the do over, made sure of that. She's reacting the only way she really knows how at this point. She's mistrusting of adults still and hurt over more than she can verbalize right now. Some of it comes to light in this chapter, but more is brewing in her head.
That said enjoy… Fan art for chapter is on my Tumblr.
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"Another day your Majesty." Gold cackled as the royal slammed the shop door closed.
Regina hurried after Emma to the curb and waited until the teen was securely in the passenger seat of the Benz with the door closed before going to the driver's side. Heat blasted through the vents in the already hot space, as the car moved quickly a few blocks away. Composure began to crack as head pounded; she pulled off onto a side street to park and catch a breath.
The teen shifted in her seat at the roar of silence. That one swat had snapped her out of her defiant emotional state and with her brain working again she cast a questioning side glance at the Queen who was digging through the black purse between them on the seat. Guilt tugged as a bottle of Excedrin was brought out, lid popped and two tablets were dry swallowed by a shaking hand. She wondered if she was the cause of the headache, the shaking, or if it was the long hours of the last few days. Perhaps it was both and her stubbornness hadn't helped. Without thinking, as the dark voice in her head carved away at her esteem, she went to turn on the radio to fill the space and fingers caught her hand on the knob, taking hold in a soft squeeze.
"I need quiet… I'll explain, but I need a minute…" The rest of the truth failed as Regina leaned forward resting her hands and head against the wheel as her eyes closed. She breathed through the rush of adrenaline ripping through her body ebbing against the left over flames of terror scorching her skin.
"I'm sorry." Emma whispered and she was for more than just her Keeper's apparent headache.
Then she saw those tight hands and trembling shoulders. Tan throat working choked breaths and silent tears. Something was way off, haze lifted now Emma felt it, could register the anxious white caps crashing within the usually steady Queen. Maybe there was a reason, maybe several for what her Keeper had not said and did. Her mind could now, in the calm, consider that possibility. They sat in silence for a few long minutes and royal shoulders stilled and hands loosened. Emma ducked her head as the engine finally started, wanting nothing more than to hide in her room, away from the conversation she knew they would have, away from the shame of her actions that caused the ache in the next seat and eyes that knew her well. She'd pushed, tested and maybe it wasn't her Keeper that failed it.
'It's my fault… it always is, I ruin everything I touch.' Bubbling bile made breathing hard as that dark thought ate at her.
The Benz rolled forward as if confirming and Emma slouched in her seat, fixing her attention on the passing shops and then homes as they left the downtown area. She pondered over why she had refused the request to leave the shop and how she'd ended up there to begin with. Going to the Imp's layer and confronting him had not been on her agenda, pushing and testing hadn't been either and yet still she pushed…
It was her nature.
Regina had once said that she couldn't help her nature and she had asked the Queen to help her define it. They had been working toward that self definition ever since. Pushing and being stubborn was a part of who she was as much as she had green eyes and blonde hair. She couldn't help it. Could she?
'And what if I pushed too much?' Emma's fist went to her mouth to chew. 'I don't deserve her or this life we've built… One day I'll ruin it… Like everything else…'
Not hearing her name today had reminded her of the significance of that gift, what it meant, to whom she belonged and what it had cost her Keeper to realize she needed it. As they turned onto Mifflin Street, the hammering doubt said one day she would go too far, push too much, and lose far more than she could survive.
'Maybe today is that day.'
Tears rolled as home came into view wondering if it still would be after her actions in the shop. The past taunted in mind. Other people had given her away for far less, shut the door and given up. She began to wonder what the Queen's final line was. 'Difficult. Stubborn. Defiant. Delinquent.' Words painted the picture of who she was in a thick file with adult testimonials to back the damning adjectives. Never mind what she thought or what had actually happened to have her yanked out of one house and forced into another. Emma's hands flew to her seat belt and legs ran down the walk towards the door. She let herself in with her key and feet pounded the stairs. Wet face found her blanket, fists white knuckled in a pillow as the regrets of day fell down her face, out of her mouth and bled from a soul wound freshly torn.
Emma wasn't sure when the bed dipped or when an arm wrapped around pulling her close, but she felt the safe warmth in the room followed by consoling murmurs of love. After several minutes of hard crying she turned her head, teeth holding a lower lip captive as her eyes found the Queen. Regina lay within a hand span, their faces just as close. Fair and dark hair crossed each other on the blanket.
"I'm sorry." In unison.
Regina closed her eyes and opened, starting again. "I am. So much for what I did not say, but we need to start at the beginning and work our way through so you understand why." A deep breath. "I need you to tell me what was going through your head."
"I d-didn't mean to go his shop today. It j-just happened." Emma sniffed.
"Ruby texted me and said you stormed off after walking around the courtyard." Regina stroked blonde curls and sat up on her elbow wiping her eyes. "I was worried, but I figured you were close and then I got a feeling of where you might have ended up."
"I'm sorry… For that and not listening when you asked me to go." Green meadows shined seeking forgiveness.
"That was not a good choice on your part." A shudder. "Especially when I told you not to push me, name said or not." Her thumb found a cheek, wiping away a tear not her own. "Still, I know my girl well enough that you must have had something running hard through your head driving your actions, aware of them or not as you were."
The teen curled up tighter, chin worrying again. "Don't be mad."
Softer. "Baby, I'm not… Back there I was terrified. Talk to me please."
Emma winced at that reveal; sure she had heard it wrong. "You're gonna be mad though when I tell you why I acted how I did cause I do know better, but I couldn't help all of it, I couldn't." Emma started crying all over again; the price of tears was exhausting and felt she had more than paid her due many moons over.
Shifting to the head of the bed, back against the headboard Regina drew Emma up into her arms. Parts of these tears were the far end of the spectrum of emotions and hormones the girl couldn't completely control. It was the rest of what they were, the fearful ache and what she was recognizing as the birth of another self destructive cycle, that she needed to understand.
"Try for me." A blonde head shook against her arms and water continued to soak her blouse. "I need to know so I can better help you baby. Take a breath… one more…and try again from the beginning. What were you thinking before you left the diner?" Starting to coach a logical sequence for Emma to follow.
"I w-was thinking 'bout when I was this age before and your appointment with Gold and I figured it out, what he had to help me and that he was holding onto your magic and memories. I'm tired of not knowing when I will change. I got angry too…" She went on to explain her discussion with him and asking to know the price he wanted for the potion and stopped suddenly, biting her lip again.
"Why wouldn't you come with me, not the first time I asked, but after?" Emma did well with direct questions when upset and she asked in such a way that each piece of the puzzle to her girl's emotions was laid out to deal with one at a time. She already knew some of the answers, but she was not sure Emma did.
"I was gonna, after you started to say my name, cause I know that means you're done and I need to stop. But you didn't say it right and I thought… You promised and you…" She shrugged hurt returning to her eyes as she left her fear unsaid, breath quick at the possibility of what that might mean.
Regina ran her hand along Emma's arm for a moment as the girl calmed from the assuring motion. "There was a reason for that. To keep it I had to break it in the moment. I tried to explain what I cou—"
"Not a good enough one." She mumbled pulling away sharply from the affection she wanted, needed, as feelings of self doubt and anger returned, hiding her face in her knees.
"Eyes Emma." Clicking her tongue when the girl didn't move and the Queen leaned forward, physically turning hunched shoulders to face her. "What is our first rule?"
Missing a beat, pink lips floundered. "Safety…" Followed by hesitation where it didn't use to be.
"Safety first and then communicate." Finishing when Emma couldn't realizing she needed to be sure to take time over the weekend to go back over the most basic of their rules the girl seemed to have forgotten in the commotion of the last several weeks. Today that was a rule Regina had followed to the letter and it had saved their lives, but she couldn't yet tell Emma all of why she'd been terrified in the shop, but she could tell her some things. "There are two reasons for my choice not to use your last name. The first being I didn't want to give Gold any knowledge he shouldn't have. He has a perversion with names, and has used them in the past to get what he wants or to hurt people. He would have used it against you Emma. I wasn't about to give him that leverage." A pause to allow processing. "I put safety, yours, first and now I am communicating what I can right now of my choice."
Emma lost wrinkles in brow, anger leaving swiftly at those carefully phrased words. More bread crumbs… Ones she realized Regina had been asking her to follow in the shop with the trust they had between them. Trust she had doubted. Promise broken to keep it and her safe. Lips rolled inward to be abused by teeth clutching as the consequences of what the knowledge of her name might have cost them had the Imp gotten it registered. That floated behind her eyes next to the dark voice picking at her. The rules, established together so long ago, applied to both of them. And that first one was ordered the way it was for a reason.
The reason paled. "What else?"
"A much less crucial one, but still important. You haven't told anyone about your name change yet. I didn't want to be the one to spoil that moment for you. I know you wanted Henry to be the first one you told. And he can be, but no one else right now." She felt Emma deflate under her hands. The girl was still settling into that big change, the specialness of it a private murmur in heart Emma wanted to hold onto for a while.
Hurt was now replaced by guilt dripping downhill. Emma leaned forward fully into her Keeper. "I didn't think about that, any of it… I'm so sorry for doubting you and forgetting our rule, for pushing, for testing. I know the rule is there for a reason the way it is." For Regina to be terrified meant… Swallowing as understanding became clear that they were not as safe as she once thought and that the Dark One was holding a torch to their feet. She drew back, her chin was lifted in return and she tried to brave the russet eyes studying hers. "This side of me… it's different, harder to shake off old memories, old ways of thinking. He wound me up and I couldn't think… He wouldn't shut up and my head… I made a mess of stuff."
"Not as much as you may be thinking, dear heart. He's in the dark about your name and nothing was… shifted today. The rule we have did its job." Serious hands cupped both cheeks, eyes inches apart. "Regardless, you cannot do something like this again. Stay away from him, his shop, if he is walking down the street you go the other way. Do not engage. You are not to be alone with him, any of you. Promise me Emma."
Clear eyed. "I promise." One all of her now understood the gravity of.
"Good girl." Kissing a forehead to seal it as she shifted gears to the next point. "You said you thought I would be mad at you because you knew better. What was that comment about?" There was more in that blonde head stewing she needed to help draw out.
"I wanted attention." Blushing hard as she tried to explain. "With the storm and us being so busy this week… I missed us and time with you. Christmas was great, but I had to share you with everyone and…" She trailed off, ashamed at the childishness of her explanation, true as it was.
"You have been used to my attention and my focus being on just you, or the little side of you, for quite a while." Regina leaned back against the headboard, taking Emma with her, hugging the girl, who now snuggled in. "I can see how you would be frustrated now that we are home and our time isn't our own so much anymore."
"I know we can't be together all the time, but I still want to be."
Regina nodded. "Emma, you are making up for a lifetime of inattention and getting a taste of the complete opposite as you did in our other life is addicting. I respect your feelings and I share them. However, your attitude, defiance, and tone were completely unacceptable and we nearly…." Trailing as a shiver ripped her, pulling the girl in tighter.
"I know."
A considering kiss to temple. "Yes, it seems you do. We will remedy your actions in a few minutes. I want to make sure you understand a few other things first."
Emma squirmed, but gave her eyes to the Queen.
"I need to be discreet right now on a few things." Being very mindful of phrasing to keep the Imp at bay, but also to give truth where it was needed.
"Is that why you didn't tell me? Cause you are still thinking about if you want to make a deal or not?" Emma puzzled over that.
Careful crumbs for pale hands to pick up. "No and I want my conscience clear."
"Oh." Not realizing in midst of her tantrum earlier the extent of what she had been asking her Keeper to do. She still didn't, but that unyielding tone spoke volumes. More guilt.
"The next thing I want you to understand is that I am upset at some of your choice of words today. You said this was your life, your choice, and that's why you deserved to know. Those words were a little bit on the selfish side, when you are anything but." Regina let her words sink in as she thought about how to explain her further reasoning and not wanting them to be mistaken for Gold's cruel ones earlier.
"I didn't mean to be."
"I now baby and that is why I am pointing it out to you." The Queen rested chin on top of blonde, lingering to speak. "The decisions we make affect each other because we are a team. You have spent most of your life operating on your own, but now that is not the case. We need to be careful and considerate of our choices when other people are involved. This situation is like that. I need to be considerate and prepared before I make a choice."
"I could help you though." Emma perked up, tears ceasing as an idea came. "I still have my magic and you have a lot of books with spells that could knock his crotchety socks off and loosen those gold teeth of his. He might sing a totally different tune then and give you your memories and powers back."
Stiffening at the very idea Regina pulled back, quickly bringing green up to her level. "No, his focus needs to remain on me. You will not engage with him again. You promised and I will end any thoughts or attempts in that direction very swiftly. Do you understand me?"
Backing down. "Yeah."
A brow rose in wait.
"Yes G—Ma'am."
"I need you to trust me on that and let it go. Besides your magic is not as strong as it usually is with your shrinking."
Gears continued to spin under disheveled curls remembering some of what she had been reading in magic books. "I know of some dark—defensive spells."
Shaking her head at the attempted cover up, hand tapped a jean covered hip in warning. "You do and you don't, Emma. You simply do not have the level of training I do or an understanding for the intricacies of the magical arts, dark or light. I have spent a lifetime learning and another practicing while you've but a handful of years in experience." Finger grazing a cheek softly. "You are very talented and we will continue to build your skills, for all of you, but I won't have you dabbling in spells you do not have knowledge of, especially ones that hurt others. Period. I'm not keeping things from you because I don't think you have a right to know, or that you can't handle knowing. It is much more complicated than that. Does that make sense?"
"Yeah." It did make sense, but her current state made that hard to fully understand and accept. "Can I at least still help you research magic stuff." Hopeful that her choices of that day hadn't lost her that privilege. "With you there, of course."
"You may, if you wish, sweet one. You will have plenty of time to think about that and other things going forward."
Emma winced. "I'm grounded, huh?"
"Oh yes, starting today and through the weekend at least." They would start there and see what else if anything was required as Emma further processed. This conversation was far from finished, but she sensed a break was needed. "I understand that you did not have full control of yourself back there. He taunted you, your emotions spiraled, our cues and lack of one you needed were all fuel. Everything was too much and fast for you to process so we will be slowing things down for the next few days immensely so you can."
"But last time you gave me a choice."
Not that Emma wanted a reminder and she wouldn't have willingly picked one, she realized then even if it was offered. Being this age made it harder to accept that need and made it far easier to ignore, but she had still been expecting a choice like last time. She remembered something else just then too; she had not yet used the term of affection the little girl in her did for the Queen. Want and need had both been resting there to do so and she'd been ready, before this afternoon, so ready, but she couldn't, now feeling she didn't deserve too. A thumb grazing her chin made her look up out of thoughts.
"Back in the shop I did not want to swat you, especially when you didn't have full control or our cues to go by. It was my last resort to get you out of there. You don't need a full reminder as of now. You need time to think about what we just discussed and will be speaking of more over the weekend. An early bedtime, lack of screens, staying close to home, to me, and helping with a few tasks around here will give you that time." Her girl was exhausted and some extra sleep would help the fluctuating emotions. She tucked some curls behind Emma's ear that fell forward when a pointed chin looked away. "Besides, you'll probably be this size for that long anyway. David and Will can handle the station after the overtime you've put in this week and the weather is letting up so I will not have to work. We can rest and spend some time together."
Green eyes popped up brightening the darkness. "Just us?"
"Just us."
Emma smiled softly and popped a kiss on the Queen's cheek. "I'd like that." It wouldn't be quite how she envisioned, but the closeness she craved would be there.
"Me too." Regina smiled back, starting to ease off the bed to stand. "Now, I'd like you lay down for a bit. You have to be tired from all that crying, but first I'd like for you to give me your electronics. You may have them back Monday morning. Take a minute to set your forwarding service please."
Slouching, the girl groaned, but pulled a phone out of her back pocket. She thumbed in her code and forwarded her texts and calls to Regina's cell. She had to do this once, a year before the spell, when she'd been banned from her phone for a day when she'd been playing Candy Crush during work hours. Several calls to the Sheriff's station had been ignored and Regina hadn't been amused to have been one of them. Emma went to her desk, unplugged her laptop and I-pod, and handed everything to the brunette with a sigh.
"Thank you for doing that without a fuss. I'll be back to wake you in an hour, then you may help me make dinner."
The praise warmed Emma and arms sought one more hug. "I'm sorry for everything..." Lips again leaving off the affection her heart missed.
"I know baby." Regina used her free arm to return the hug. "Into bed, get some rest."
Emma let go reluctantly, but with some peace that they were starting to get on good terms again and with the weight of new understanding. "Love you."
"And I you." Dimming the light as she eased out the door.
After a nap and a simple dinner, they ended up reading most of the evening together in the living room. A bowl of popcorn settled between them as they took turns finishing the Jules Verne novel. Emma had wanted to start a new book, but was reminded that bed was at 8:30 due to her grounding and not 9:00 for when she was this age. The girl started to argue and a firm look shut her down enough to opt for the hot water of the shower to erase her frustration. Regina tucked her in and Emma was out, dead to the world within a minute of the brunette leaving the room.
Around one in the morning Emma twisted hard nearly falling off the bed, heart with a wicked beat against her lungs as she struggled to take a breath. The dream had come again. A version of the same one she'd had all her life, much less frequent since she'd found her home with Regina, but with the same intensity as it always hit. In her mind's eye she'd been sent away, hands she loved packed a bag and had shown her the white door. No social worker's car waited to take her way this time though. The front porch ended with a drop off the side of a cliff and a pit of chaos filled with her own self doubt bubbled below, waiting to consume her.
Emma flung off her covers and her feet found the floor, intent to find solace in her Keeper. Hesitation chained her to the bed and she sank back down as the memory of the day before rushed in. She'd been a brat again, pushed too hard again, and yet the Queen had been patient and understanding through it all.
Again.
Realization that she did not reveal her fear of one day pushing too much or about the voice of self doubt that had returned to her head, during their talk earlier, hit like a brick. Tension drew her brows tight. Rubbing her face free of falling tears brought her mind to the present. Fatigue clung to her bones and she sighed.
'If I'm this tired, M—Gina must feel like the walking dead. I can deal with one bad dream. Get it together Swan.' That thought kept her from moving the rest of the night.
Emma knew the Queen never went to bed before her and of one late night, though she suspected many, had been spent by dark glasses reading through old magic books. With a heavy heart she tossed and turned the rest of the night, held captive by the emotions stewing in her psyche and her returning fear that the only open embrace waiting for her would be the cliff horizon.
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Hope you liked this. More Tuesday-ish...
Next time - Emma pushes one last time discovering what her Keeper's final line is... Emma and Regina each remember the night of the accident two years ago when words were misused, lives threatened, and the foundation of their relationship was reformed.
