To all my readers…you guys rock and I love you all more, than you could ever imagine.
To my team…no words my loves…no words.
Twilight isn't mine.
Chapter 16
Bella's POV
Song for Chapter:
Secrets by OneRepublic
Six years of writing my pain…
Over the course of the next year, I constantly found myself dumbfounded by what others saw in me.
The compliments when backstage at concerts or media shows, the way the men fell over themselves to get an autograph or a picture with me…it was surreal.
When I was younger, and before tornado Edward Cullen entered my life, I was secure in my own skin. To me, and everyone else around, I was happy and lived in a stable loving environment…he changed and robbed me of my security.
It wasn't until I met Lauren and Peter that I began to live again…it wasn't until my parents and I reconnected that I learned to breathe and it wasn't until the wonderful people of Twilight Recordings made me into this new and improved Bella, that I began to see the world for what it was again…beautiful.
Every city we arrived in had hundreds of people chanting my name and wanting to see me…not Edward or his family…not Jessica or Angela…just me.
I mattered.
Tonight we were scheduled to perform in the Mandalay Bay Event Center to a sold out show. My mind still couldn't completely grasp the fact that my concert had sold out within minutes, but with the way I had sold a million copies of my CD within the first weekend it had been out, I guess it should have been common sense.
"Are you nervous for tonight, B?" my girl and confidant, Lauren, asked with perceptive eyes.
"Not so much nerves as overwhelmed and still not believing this is all happening to me… a few years ago I was drowning and now it looks from the outside if I have everything I could ever want and more."
"What are you missing, B?"
"Love."
"But we love you…every single one of us," she claimed with a teary smile. Lauren knew what I was referring to and I still, to this day, believe that she thinks it was her job to help me find that happiness she found in Peter.
Maybe someday I would have a Peter of my own…maybe I had already met him and only time would show me his true colors and intentions, but as of that moment he still hadn't arrived.
It was hard for me to trust others.
Be it with my self-worth or the love others bestowed upon me, I began to believe it was all fake and only there because they wished to gain something from me.
Hours upon hours of pain laid down for them to dissect, yet they had not once had something bad to say or even comment on how 'I should just move the fuck on,' like so many before them had.
I wasn't upset by these thoughts and had made peace with myself and him…it hadn't been easy but old wounds close and scab, however gentle pressure can open them right back up without so much as a warning.
Perfect example of this theory was the night I was holed up with Demitri last week in the studio… we had become closer as the weeks turned to months.
"Bella, when are you finally just going to give in and admit that you love me…that you want to marry me and have my incredibly beautiful children?"
He was just being himself and trying to crack a joke or put a dent in my armor. We had been slaving over my material for hours now and with every new line or hook we discovered I had become so morose. Barely speaking or trying to deny the hurt that lay dormant beneath each syllable I wrote.
I wanted to laugh at his assessment and deny him, tell him that I wasn't attracted, but that would also be a lie…he had wormed himself into my dead and cold heart
He noticed my change in demeanor and began to apologize…
"I'm sorry Bella…please don't be upset with me. You know I like you…fuck that, I adore you! I wish I could take away all that pain you hide and carry…I wish I could take it all away and just fill your days with happiness and eventually, love."
I gasped and scrambled to get up.
"I can't Demitri," I plead and his defeated face broke me in two…I knew what it was like to be in his shoes…what it was like to feel unwanted by the one you loved, but I couldn't lie to him or myself."
"I know," he whispered and began to get up to leave.
"Please don't hate me, Dem…please," I begged, afraid to once again be abandoned.
"Oh Bella," he exclaimed and held me to his large and masculine frame. Maybe if we had met when I was healed or maybe if I trusted myself enough to be his one and only…I could give in, but the fear that Edward put in me wouldn't lie dormant or die.
I could literally spend months without so much as a thought about the bastard…forgetting all he caused and continued to cause with his harsh parting words. All it would take was one smile from the opposite sex or a flirty exchange and all that insecurity would resurface…burying me again in those moments from the past.
"I could kill him for what he did to you sweet heart, but I will be patient Bella…I will win your heart and eventually make you mine. He lost you, not you him…he wasn't worthy babe, but I vow to be."
"What if I can't Dem…then what?"
"Then I will wait however long is needed B…however long."
Little did I know that he meant every word.
He was patient and caring along with gentle and understanding…perfect, but still not him.
That was over six moths ago.
It had taken me so long to reach the point where reading what happened to me didn't cause a flood of tears…where I didn't break.
Dem's become one of my best friends and was completely approved of by my two meddling friends. They truly believed that he could make me happy and had helped set us up on various occasions…I kind of liked it.
Our working relationship had been a complete breeze and what had been laid down in the studio, vocal and arrangement wise had blown away all the execs. Aro couldn't have been happier with what we had done and has claimed to have been 'schooled' into letting me have my way… no more arguments.
The CD was coming around fabulously and we had agreed on everything, but the cover…I was petrified by what they wanted form me. The idea of me in so little clothing…exposed, was making me break out in hives.
"Bella, it will beautiful," Aro began, followed closely by Dem and the rest of the team.
"It will look tasteful yet sexy…old school pin up with a twist," Leah named it.
Fuck that, I called it exposed and naked.
It took three months of begging, pleading, bribing and finally tricking for me to relent…
"Come on in," Tanya, my new stylist, said while ushering me into a room with no mirrors or much lighting. Lauren was there too and was looking anywhere but at me…this had set up written all over it.
"So Bella, what's new with you and that gorgeous man meat you have wrapped around your little finger?" Lauren snickered, which earned her a glare…traitor.
"Nothing is new…we're just friends," I honestly answered, even though a tiny, itty bitty piece of me wished it was different.
"Bullshit," Tanya exclaimed, "You look so good together…happy and relaxed! It screams 'we are in a relationship and happy'."
"Well if this one," Laurie chimed in while pointing at me, "would quit pushing him away and pulled him closer, they would be just that."
They both exchanged looks and turned to fluff and flutter around the room.
"Okay cut the shit…what's the hell is going on here?"
"Nothing," they both squeaked in unison, further raising my suspicions.
I told them as much and they began to fidget and stumble over their sentences…this should be fun.
"They made us do it."
"Said you wouldn't agree."
"You'd looks so hot.
"Please."
Jesus!
"Okay from the top and leave nothing out…I mean it, talk or I walk."
"Bella…Bells, they just want you to try out their visual direction for the CD cover…Demitri and Aro believe this is the best way to go…you are young, beautiful and sultry and with what Tanya and they have concocted, you will embody that and so much more," Lauren looked on the verge of tears and ready to beg me at this point.
What had my stubbornness done?
"Hey, hey…calm down Laurie...I'm not thrilled with having to be tricked, but I'm not mad and I understand…I put us all in this position with my stubbornness. Just understand that it's not that I want to be difficult…I'm trying I swear, but my fear and the worthlessness he made me feel is hard to forget and act is if it never existed."
"Bella, can I say something?" Tanya slowly approached me as if I was a wounded animal, ready to bolt at the slightest sudden movement.
I nodded.
"Sweetie, I have no idea what happened to you or what caused you to see yourself as anything but beautiful," I scoffed…she glared. "But contrary to what you believe, you are just that…a beauty. You have a solid heart and hard work ethics…you stand your ground and refuse to be trampled on by the big wigs in this company…that required balls."
"I say the same thing daily but she just ignores and refuses to see what we all do. She doesn't realize that she is more than just a voice or face…she is the entire package," Lauren added with a small chuckle.
I couldn't help it and let my own giggle at the flattery these two were force feeding me.
"Okay…okay…I give up dammit!"
They squealed and began to talk shop non stop as if I wasn't even in the room…
"Seems you finally gave in…if now I could only convince you to love me," a smooth voice whispered in my ear, causing me to scream and playfully hit then hug the one responsible.
"You sneaky fucker…using my best friend against me," I mock glared, causing him to laugh and wrap his arms around my midriff.
"I did what I had to do sweetheart." My eyes snapped to his in confusion, then anger…was this a game to him…just a ploy to get what he wanted?
"Stop it, B…I'm not him." My anger deflated as I watched his eyes become sad…fuck!
"I'm sorry Demitri, but your words weren't framed in the best light…it sounded as if you were using them to get your gain and not consider how I felt…you sounded so much like someone I once knew."
"Well, I'm not and the only thing we are doing here is trying clothing on…nothing more! All we want, is for you to see what we do and open those closed off eyes…let you see the powerful and lovable woman that stands proudly before us, fighting tooth and nail for what she believes…the woman we all love."
"Okay," I conceded and his once gloomy features softened and a small genuine smile appeared.
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"Lets do this shit then," he called out towards the traitor and her new accomplice…I had a feeling Tanya and I would become friends and she would play a major part in my becoming Marie…a self assured, beautiful vixen who was afraid of no one.
"Are you positive, B?" Laurie asked and I smiled…yeah I was ready for this and more.
We spent the remaining hours that afternoon trying on different outfits and learning what looked right and what was ridiculous…I actually had fun.
We all conceded on this bathing-suit type garment that had a sweetheart neckline and was strapless. It was a black one piece and looked painted on… it molded to my every curve and made me feel sexy.
It was perfect.
With it, we paired a big top hat in black and white striping and dramatic red lips.
I looked like a modern day pin-up girl and loved it.
The photo shoot went off without a hitch and all the clothing changes looked wonderful on my petite form. I now understood what all the hype was about when it came to working with the right stylist and right team. I couldn't have done this without her and asked that Tanya be hired on a permanent basis to work with me…she was thrilled and after the shoot, came out with me and Laurie for drinks.
It was the start of a beautiful relationship.
The following months after the shoot, the CD was ready for distribution and I was booked on The Tonight Show for my first major performance…I won't say that I wasn't deathly afraid of getting booed or that my stomach didn't threaten to revolt against me moments before the stage hand came to get me, but what I will say is that it was all worth it.
It might have been a long road to get here…I might have suffered through more than someone my age should when it comes to matters of the heart, but it had made me who I was and who many revered as a strong independent woman.
We are almost there folks …the prologue is almost within our grasp! My next two chapters are going to be…surprising, as someone we haven't heard too much from, will be coming into play.
Bella will be getting a very surprising visit.
I'm hoping to have the next chapter up by next month…currently I'm so swamped with charity pieces and a brand new drabble named Light My Fire that has taken over my brain.
Lastly…
We are all saddened by the loss of our fellow Twi sister Gisela...there are many of us here in the fandom rallying to help in any way we can. I will be personally donating an outtake from It Isn't Over Yet and this one will be all Esme POV...Please consider donating. A little as five dollars could help this family out with the amounting bills that a funeral leaves behind. The list of authors contributing is astounding and worth every cent you donate. To find out how you can help, please check out the Blog… just remove the spaces.
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