Maura

"I want to help," Jane raged.

She was gripping the steering wheel like it was the only thing keeping her from wrapping her arms around my throat or exploding in fury. The car wasn't even running. We were sitting inside of Jane's new Escalade in the parking garage of the precinct arguing desperately with each other. I was exhausted physically and mentally. I was near tears trying to explain to Jane so many things she didn't seem to understand. It was awful, it was heart wrenching, it was the worse thing that could have happened. Jane heard everything. Everything she shouldn't have heard. Jane ran from the precinct in a fury; I ran after her in tears desperate to catch her before she did something insane in her fury. Jane threw the covered dish she brought for me against the stone wall of the parking garage and it shattered everywhere. I'd managed to jump in the car before Jane could pull away and ripped the keys from the ignition before she could speed off in a rage.

Jane's eyes were dangerous and hurt at the same time. Her expression moved from fury, to sadness, to loathing in flashes. My heart was racing, my chest hurt, my lungs burned, my soul ached. The conversation between Detective Korsack and I wasn't meant to be overheard by anyone and least of all Jane. I'd pleaded desperately with her for over thirty minutes to calm down and let me explain. Jane grew more and more angry when I skirted around her direct questions about her family's open case. I couldn't speak of the intimate details of the case; it was against the law. Something Jane didn't understand or care about at all. She called me a liar, she called me a sneak, she called me many things in her fury. Her words cut into me deeper than any knife. She was hateful and loathsome. She was furious and in agonizing pain. I tried to tell myself that Jane's words stemmed from her personal grief. I tried to remind myself that old wounds were hard to heal and hearing in such detail what had happened to her family was like ripping open scabs five years old.

Jane couldn't mean all the hurtful things she said to me. She loved me. I knew she did. But her anger was ferocious and terrible to witness. She lashed out at me with the power of a flaming whip and my soul was searing under the blows.

"Jane please understand; you can't get involved...you're not a police officer..."

"...I don't give a fuck about any of that! It's my family that died...MY family. That detective said they pushed that case under the rug and forgot about it. My family deserves better than that. My mother deserves better than that...my brothers deserve better than that!" Jane banged her fist against the steering wheel in her fury. "They weren't trash to just be forgotten. They were my family...my only family! If they won't solve this case I will do it myself!" Jane screamed at me.

She wouldn't even look at me. She stared out the windshield. I could see tears streaming from her eyes. Her face was flushed a furious red and her eyes were so wide and dark I was frightened. Something inside of Jane had ripped wide open; something I had never witnessed in full force. Even so I knew it had been there all along. It was the shadow. It was the anger. It was the hatred. It was the grief. It was everything that she'd kept bottled away for so long in her desperate attempts to keep moving forward despite the pain. Knowing that so much fury existed in the recesses of her mind did not make it easier to bare in its greatest intensity.

"Jane, I could get fired if you get yourself involved in this case! You aren't supposed to know anything you just heard..."

"...why didn't you tell me yourself? I knew there was something weird going on! I knew it! You could have told me...you should have told me Maura! I'm your girlfriend...it's my family that died? Why would you lie to me..."

"...I didn't lie Jane!" I cried desperately.

I reached for Jane's hand but she pulled her arm away roughly. She gave me a stare so hateful and belittling I felt my chest cave it. I reached for my heart and clutched my chest. Something inside of me was breaking. I tried to stop it but tears were pouring from my eyes. My lips trembled, my eyes lowered in shame. I turned my head from Jane and looked out the passenger side window. I covered my mouth with my hand and tried to suppress gasping wails of grief. Agony surged through me like fire in my veins. Was I wrong? Should I have told Jane? Should I have opened this can of worms at all? I'd only been trying to help but in doing so I'd made some grievous error I didn't even understand. I loved Jane. Why couldn't she see that? Why didn't she understand that I was doing this for her and for no other reason? I would crawl through hell for her, climb the highest mountain, swim across the deepest ocean. I would do anything to bring Jane peace because I loved her; but in the moment all I was doing was causing more pain.

Jane looked at me and sighed. I was crying softly in my hand. I heard Jane curse and rage under her breath. She leaned her forehead against the steering wheel and shook her head. I looked over at her and choked on a sob. Tears were streaming down her face. Her eyes were closed tightly against the pain but they couldn't staunch the flow of hot wet tears. Jane's face was a mask of agony. I wanted to reach out to her but I was afraid. I wanted to hold her, but I was afraid. I wanted to speak, but I was afraid.

Jane began to sob. Her grip on the steering wheel was turning her knuckles white. I bit my fingers. I felt selfish for crying when Jane was in so much pain. I felt like I had nothing to offer her. I had no relief to give. I was too afraid to even try. I didn't want to hurt her anymore. I felt foolish. I felt useless. I felt like a failure. Jane's sobs were growing in intensity. Her breath was heavy and ragged. Her face was flushed. The lump in my throat could have choked me to death. I wanted to melt into the seat and fade away. If I could do no better than this, if I couldn't give Jane more than this, if I only brought her pain and misery...I saw no reason to exist.

Jane cried desperately for many long minutes. I found the strength to reach for her and run my fingers through her dark curly hair. Jane didn't pull away; she let me touch her. She cried harder when I did. I pulled Jane into my body and held her tightly against me. Jane's wails of pain and agony tore into the depths of me. My soul touched hers and I could feel all of her pain. Something in the center of me ached like a gaping wound. I held the back of her head and pushed her face into my neck. Jane's tears soaked my scrubs but I thought nothing of it. I couldn't hold her close enough. I couldn't tell her I loved her loud enough. I couldn't apologize desperately enough. I couldn't dry her tears fast enough.

I held her tightly like I was afraid she would melt into nothing. Jane leaned heavily against me; my body shook with the power of her sobs. I buried my face in her neck and cried with her. I was so sorry, I was so sorry, I was so sorry. I repeated my apologies to her over and over choking on my grief. This was everything I didn't want to happen. This was what I was fighting so hard to prevent. I opened Jane's family's case to bring her peace; not to tear her to pieces all over again. I closed my eyes tightly in shame.

"They were all I had Maura. They were all I had! How come they wouldn't solve the case? How come my family wasn't good enough? How could they forget about them? I never forget. I never forget! I lost everything and no one even cares! My family's not nothing; they deserve to rest in peace...they deserve to rest in peace!" Jane cried in my ear.

I closed my eyes tightly absorbing Jane's painful words. I pulled her even tighter against me.

"I'm here, you have me, and I'm not going to forget. This is why I'm here...this is why I'm here! Your family deserves everything you want for them and you deserve to have peace too! I will do my best to give you all of this...I swear it...I want you to have everything." I whispered in Jane's ear.

"I want to help," Jane cried again. "I deserve this...I deserve to help!"

I sighed heavily.

"Sweetheart you can't..."

"...Maura I don't trust ANYBODY else! You heard what that detective said. They just gave up five years ago!" Jane raged pulling back and looking at me through tearful furious eyes.

"You have to trust me! I am not the enemy! I will fix this Jane, I'm here for you, I'm doing this for you!" I pleaded with Jane.

"Are you Maura? Are you here for me?" Jane asked me through narrowed accusing eyes.

I looked at her shocked and confused. How could she even ask me that? Had I not done everything...everything I could for her?

"You know I am; I'd do anything for you..."

"...Then let me help! Let me bring my family peace; they deserve peace." Jane said sadly.

She turned her eyes and body from me staring out the driver's side window. She gripped the steering wheel again in pain and determination. I sighed. I wiped tears from my eyes and lay my hand over hers.

"There is nothing you can do right now Jane. I'm still working on gathering evidence. If I let you get involved it will only call my judgment into question and undermine any progress I might make on the case. If you get involved the DA could say my evidence was tainted, that I wasn't professional, that my judgment was compromised because of my relationship with you. Detective Korsack is the best...we will solve this case and give you peace but I need you to trust me!" I pleaded with Jane.

"That's bullshit...I won't get in the way. I wasn't the one that pushed my family's case under the rug and withheld evidence...crucial evidence that could have helped solve the case five years ago. It's those fucking bureaucrats whose judgment should be questioned." Jane insisted.

She looked at me with bright sad eyes. She wasn't raging anymore but she looked broken and confused. My heart ached. I couldn't deny that she was right on some level...but still she couldn't get involved in an open criminal investigation. I had to sway her somehow. I had to get her to understand. I needed her to trust me like she'd never trusted me before. We were both standing on the precipice of possible failure or great success. I loved Jane; and if she loved me I needed to be able to trust her to not interfere as she needed to trust me to stand by my word.

"If you get involved and ruin this investigation you could be brought up on charges of tampering in an open investigation, witness intimidation, evidence tampering...any manner of things and so could I. Where would that leave Angela? Who would care for her if we both went to prison?" I asked.

I turned Jane's head toward mine so she was staring directly into my eyes. She didn't speak. She looked defiant at first; but the mention of Angela made her face fall into one of hopeless despair.

"So I just have to sit around again and wait for justice to fail me and my family again," Jane said softly.

I felt my heart break. A tear streamed down my face.

"No sweetheart; you have to wait for your girlfriend to show you just how much she loves you. If you believe in nothing else...believe in me. I'm excellent at my job; I never fail at my work! You can't help with the case yourself...but I'll move heaven and earth for you. There is something else you can do." I said rubbing Jane's cheek with my thumb.

Jane looked up at me with curious eyes.

"What?"

"You can look for your nephew." I smiled at Jane.

Jane's brow furrowed.

"We don't even know if I have a nephew." Jane insisted.

"We don't know that you don't. Isn't it worth finding out? If your brother had a child that's been left to the system wouldn't he want you to care for him? Don't you want to know if you have family? Do you want your bloodline to die with you?" I asked sincerely.

Jane looked furious.

"My bloodline will never die. Angela will carry it after me." Jane hissed.

"She will marry one day and her name will change." I said softly.

Jane's jaw worked furiously but no words came out.

"I could have a boy...I will give him my name and keep my family's line going. I have too...I can't let my family die out. Rizzolli forever!" Jane said proudly.

I smiled.

"Rizzolli forever!" I repeated kissing Jane's cheek lightly. "How about Rizzolli-Isles forever?"

Jane looked shocked; then her face split in a mischievous grin.

"That could work too," Jane laughed.

My heart melted. I smiled at her. She was so beautiful when she laughed. I wiped the last of her tears away. Jane's face scrunched up in a frown. She was thinking hard about something. I cocked my head and studied her.

"What is it?" I asked curiously.

Jane looked at me. She had a funny little frown on her face that made her adorable. I giggled and kissed her cheek.

"What is it?" I asked again.

"Ummmm...how does that work?" she asked softly.

I was confused.

"How does what work?"

Jane looked uncomfortable.

"How do...how would we make a Rizzolli-Isles baby?" Jane asked, her eyes were wide with wonder.

I laughed.

"Addison would have to help us with that. She has a good friend that specializes in that sort of thing."

"Really? Well...you'd be sexy pregnant!" Jane grinned.

My heart broke again.

"I can't...I can't have children." I said sadly.

Jane looked horrified. I tried to smile but I ended up sobbing instead. A guilty look came over Jane's face. I knew she hadn't meant to hurt me. But being barren had haunted me for years. Now that I knew for sure that Jane wanted more children with me and I couldn't carry them myself made me feel the pain of my empty womb ten times more. Jane pulled me into her arms kissing me softly and whispering sweet words to me.

"It's ok Maura. All my stuff works down there and I'll give you a baby...one day...not today!" Jane giggled.

I laughed through my tears.

"You're very sweet Jane. You make beautiful babies." I whispered.

"I'll work really hard to make an extra pretty one for you." Jane smiled sweetly.

My heart melted for her. I kissed her deeply. Jane kissed me back with all her passion. I loved her so much. I pulled from the kiss and studied her beautiful face. Her eyes were red and swollen from crying and her cheeks were flushed from our kiss; but she was still gorgeous. I kissed her softly several more times before settling back in my seat.

"Still you must find your nephew!" I whispered.

"HOW!" Jane exclaimed.

I thought for a few moments. That was a daunting question. I didn't know the name of the woman that gave the child to the system. I didn't know the name of the child. I didn't know anything and five years had passed since it all happened. Still I was Doctor Maura Isles. I told Jane I would move mountains for her and I would.

"Detective Korsack would know the name of Tommy's girlfriend...we'll go from there." I said as confidently as I could.

Jane just rolled her eyes.

"And how is that supposed to help?"

"Well it's the first step in finding him. We have to start somewhere. I have an army of very capable people at my disposal. We can't get the police department involved but there are other ways." I sighed.

Jane didn't seem very convinced.

"And what if we do find him and he is my nephew...what then?" she asked curiously.

I smiled.

"Well then I think our family is going to get a little bigger," I said happily.

Jane looked incredulous. Her jaw hung open as she stared at me.

"WHAT!"

"Jane if you have a nephew it's your duty...our duty to care for him! Don't you agree?"

"Wha...you...I don't...we can't...how come...that's insane!" Jane wailed.

I frowned and fixed Jane with my most stubborn gaze.

"How is that insane?" I hissed.

"We don't know that kid! And it's been five years...he could be all fucked up or something and you want to adopt him! We're not talking about a stray puppy here. We are talking about another human being!" Jane exclaimed.

I looked at Jane furiously.

"We are not talking about just any human being...we are talking about the last surviving male in your family...your dead brother's child!" I trembled in my anger.

Jane looked terrified for a moment. Her jaw opened and closed but no words came out. I think she was afraid of saying something stupid...again!

"What happened to 'Rizzolli forever'? What happened to 'my family deserves the best'? If he is your nephew and you turn your back on him you are not the woman I think you are; you are not the woman you say you are! You would be a coward and your mother would be ashamed!" I spat at Jane.

The look Jane gave me could have melted a glacier. Her eyes burned and her jaw quivered. I glared at her and did not flinch. I don't care how mad she was...I hadn't said anything that wasn't true and Jane knew it.

"You've got a lot of fucking nerve!" Jane spat angrily.

I folded my arms and arched my brows.

"So have you to even suggest turning your back on family." I persisted.

"Maura...why do you care? Why did you open this case?" Jane asked curiously.

I rolled my eyes.

"Because Jane; you're my girlfriend and I love you! I want you to be happy but I see the shadow behind your eyes. I see the pain. I see the loneliness you carry with you no matter what I do to try and fix it. You don't want my money, you don't believe me when I say you're everything to me, all that is nothing to you. But I can give you this...I can give you peace! Maybe then you will believe me when I say I love you. Maybe then I won't feel like I'm never enough. Maybe then I'll make you happy." I said sadly.

Jane looked at me like she was seeing a ghost.

"You...you really think all that? I mean...you don't think I believe you when you say you love me? How could you think you're not enough?" Jane's eyes were filling with tears again.

I sighed and hung my head.

"You said some really awful things to me, Jane." I said softly.

Jane looked at me, I turned my head. I didn't want to cry any more. I didn't want to remember the horrible things Jane said to me in her fury that made me feel awful and small. I rested my hand against my heart and closed my eyes willing myself to remember that Jane did love me. I felt Jane's hand on my shoulder.

"I...I didn't mean to hurt you, Maura! I was shocked and upset. I'm...I'm so selfish and insensitive sometimes. God I hate myself for what I said to you! Please Maura...please forgive me! I'm upset, I'm angry, I'm hurt, I'm devastated, I'm frustrated...I'm so many things. But all that aside...I'm still in love with you Maura Isles. I'm...I'm in awe of you. I can't believe you have the power to see that my family gets justice after so many years. It's like we were meant to find each other. It's like all the hurt and pain I suffered led me right to you. Being with you makes everything hurt less; sometimes I forget about the pain all together. I believe you when you say you're going to solve my family's case. You always do what you say you will. You're the most honorable person I've ever met." Jane said softly.

I sighed. I still didn't look at her. I just stared blankly out the window. To many thoughts were running through my head. The pressure of great responsibility weighed on my mind. Weariness filled my body. Jane's hand tensed on my shoulder. She pulled away. I heard her shuffling around in her pocket. Jane didn't carry a purse anymore. She preferred to stuff her wallet in her back pocket and make me put anything extra she wanted in my purse. Jane took my hand and squeezed it lightly.

"Look Maura," she said softly.

I turned and looked at her. Her eyes were bright and shiny and her smile was sweet and innocent. It was the smile I loved so much. It was the smile that made my heart flutter in my chest and my soul soar. It was the smile that made me love her, it was the smile that made me want her, it was the smile that drove me to lust and happiness at the same time.

I leaned my head against the headrest and couldn't help the smile I gave her in return. She was so beautiful. She was wearing jeans and a white t-shirt; but still she was so beautiful. I ran my fingers through her dark silky curls and Jane's smile widened. She leaned close to me and kissed my lips softly. My heart broke. I didn't move. I didn't flinch. I let her kiss me. I loved her so much. So much. So much.

Jane pulled away and stared down at a small wallet sized photo in her hand. I followed her gaze and looked at the picture curiously. A beautiful middle-aged woman with strawberry blond hair, friendly green eyes, and a bright familiar smile looked up at me from the picture. She was flanked by two very handsome dark-haired young men with the same familiar smile and Jane's bright but mischievous eyes. I ran my thumb over the picture. I smiled, and then I cried.

They were such beautiful people, all three of them. Their smiles were mirror images of Jane's smile. Their eyes were mirror images of Jane's eyes. Their skin was the same flawless olive tone as Jane's. I knew them; I knew who they were without Jane saying a word. I didn't have to see the tears streaming down Jane's face. I didn't have to see the way the picture trembled in her hands and her tear drops dotted the paper to know it was her family I was seeing. I wrapped my hand around Jane's holding the picture to steady it. I studied it long and hard. Jane had never shown me a picture of her family before. I'd imagined what they looked like a million times; but nothing I could imagine was as beautiful as the three people I saw staring back at me from the photo. Jane cried softly next to me. I ran my thumb over the picture.

"That's my brother Tommy," Jane pointed to one of the boys. "And that's Frankie and that's Ma!" Jane said sadly.

I smiled through my tears.

"Jane they're...they're so beautiful!" I whispered.

"Jane beamed at me proudly! Angela's going to be pretty like my Ma when she grows up," Jane laughed.

My heart broke. I wrapped my hand in Jane's curls and kissed her cheek. Jane's face was warm and she smiled when my lips found her soft skin.

"Angela is already beautiful...just like her mother." I whispered in Jane's ear.

Jane blushed.

"Angela is...she's all I got left," Jane said sadly. "I wish my Ma could have met her. She always wanted grandchildren. She begged me to get married and have a child all the time. She always worried about me. She thought I'd never find someone to love me and take care of me and make me happy." Jane looked sad again.

"I was always so mean about it. She nagged me to death and it made me so mad! I kept telling her to mind her own business and I could take care of myself. I was so stupid. I thought I could do anything. I didn't realize how much I depended on my mother until I lost her. I never told her how much I loved her; I never told her how important she was. I never did anything I should have as a daughter...I failed her and now she's gone. Now I have Angela and she never got to meet her. She never got to hold her. Angela would have made her so happy. My Ma would have been proud of me...she was never proud of me but she would have been proud of Angela," Jane said softly as tears streamed down her face.

I shushed her and pulled her into my body.

"Don't do that sweetheart. Your mother was very proud of you I know it. You're such a wonderful person and Angela is a precious little girl. You love your baby girl like your mother loved you and don't ever doubt it. Don't cry now sweetheart...don't cry." I whispered in Jane's ear.

Jane held onto me for dear life. I let her hold me as tightly as she liked. She was my love, my light, my life. I would comfort her anyway I could always and forever. Several officers walked by Jane's Escalade and looked at us curiously. I frowned at them and they walked on. I dared them to say anything snide tomorrow...I wasn't in the mood to tolerate any type of ignorance.

"Ma would have loved you. She would have loved you more than me." Jane chuckled through teary eyes.

I rolled my eyes.

"Don't be silly. Will you ever love anyone more than Angela?" I asked her pointedly.

Jane laughed.

"You're a close second!" she joked.

I smiled. It was good to have my Janie back. I hugged her for a while longer before pulling away and giving her several long sweet kisses. Jane sighed against my lips. I brushed her hair from her face and cradled her chin in my hands. Jane looked at me through bright but sad eyes. She was so beautiful. I leaned in and kissed her again softly.

"Did you eat dinner sweetheart?" I asked finally.

Jane looked guilty.

"I...I was going to eat with you. I made you dinner and then...well I threw it against the wall." she said sadly.

I giggled.

"You cooked for me?" I smiled lovingly at Jane.

Jane grinned.

"Well...I felt bad about the car trip and I wanted to make it up to you. I thought you'd be home sooner. I spent all day grocery shopping and cooking dinner. Your kitchen is HUGE, it couldn't find anything in there! I set the table and lit candles and everything; but when you didn't show up I thought you were mad at me. I was so scared! I put Angela to bed and asked Consuela to keep an eye on her. I packed up the dinner and came down here to surprise you. I love you!" Jane looked a bit embarrassed and ashamed of herself.

I smiled at Jane's pretty dark eyes.

"Let's go home honey. It's very late and I want to get to the office early and be home by the time James gets here tomorrow." I said pointedly.

Jane looked at me curiously.

"James?" she asked confused.

I smiled.

"I'm going to call him when we get home. I want him to help you locate your nephew and deal with all the legal issues," I smiled.

Jane arched her eye brow at me.

"In that case we'll be the parents of two in no time!" Jane laughed.

I laughed with her.