Chapter Two

Monday 18th March

'They say that time heals a broken heart, but time has stood still since we've been apart.'

"Hi Nikki, how was the flight?"

"Oh, Harry it's you. It was fine, thanks. The journey back was a bit eventful, but it's sorted now."

"Eventful?"

"They'd closed a section of the line, so we all ended up having to do a number of changes to get across town without using the District or Circle line."

"Sorry."

"It's not your fault."

"How's Mum?"

"She's still having dizzy spells, she's got a new prescription now, she said she'd read all the notes and if you double the dose they are prescribed for schizophrenia."

"Betahistine?"

"Yes, you're not losing as much as you think, driving that desk."

"So she wasn't putting it on?"

"I really don't know anymore, Harry. She seemed genuinely upset to have missed the trip. I don't know, you said she was a good singer in that arts group was she a good actor too?"

"Mum's good at anything she puts her mind to."

"She said she can't wait to see the photos especially of the boat trip but suspects she'll only notice that you should get a haircut."

"Sounds like Mum! You must be exhausted."

"Your Mum had driven my car back to my house and left me a food parcel for when I got in tonight. I had a really great time Harry. Thanks for everything."

"You mean MY car?" but they were both too tired for jokes. "Candy was alright then?" he asked nervously.

"Yes, she spent most of the journey shouting on her phone, she didn't say much to me at all. I'm not sure she liked me."

"I don't think she likes anyone much, not unless you've got something she wants or can get something she wants."

"I'm glad it's all working out for you Harry," she managed to get the words out smoothly despite not quite meaning them all.

"Nikki…" Harry began. But what would he say? What could he say?

"So we'll catch up on Sunday?" he asked when nothing else suitable came to mind.

"Harry." She sighed quietly. "We can't Harry. I can't. I can't keep pretending we're only friends, not after this weekend. You have a new life and it's great Harry. I'm pleased for you but I can't be part of that life. You don't need me anymore. There's hardly any post now or other details for me to sort out. I will still see your mother occasionally but not because you want me to but because I want to. It's time to stop Harry. It's time to move on."

"I do need you!" he insisted.

"No you don't," she countered.

"But I still want you in my life!" he replied.

"Harry, you moved away; now you've got to move on!" It sounded like Nikki was about to end the conversation, but Harry wasn't ready to finish it yet. When she had said goodbye to him this morning he had felt his world begin to collapse, this could be his last chance, his last reprieve and he wasn't going to let her go easily.

"Nikki? Can I ask you something?" he said quickly and seriously so she would be forced to listen and Nikki found herself holding her breath in anticipation of Harry's question.

"Before I left, I remembered something that happened. I was thinking of it today when you said you didn't push me away this weekend but before I left something happened and you did push me away. I need to know why you did it. I really need to know," he said earnestly.

"What are you talking about? When did I push you away? It's late Harry, I've been on the go all day are you sure this is the time for this conversation?"

"I need to know," he repeated.

"Go on then," she said not bothering to disguise the tiredness in her voice.

"It was back when I was staying at your house and we were investigating the Shannon Kelley case."

"Harry that was so long ago. I don't remember pushing you away when you were at my house." She paused for a while, thinking back to that brief time together. "You didn't come on to me; you were the perfect gentleman."

"Not at your house. We were at Shannon Kelley's parents' house."

Nikki remained silent. She was exhausted physically and emotionally. She'd spent a couple of hours at the airport, six hours on a plane another couple negotiating the London tube and then had to act happy and jolly on the phone to Harry's mother and now she just wanted to go to bed and Harry chose this moment to dig up the past. Where had this conversation been on any of the previous evenings?

"We climbed the stairs," he continued, "and found Shannon's body hanging at the top. It was awful Nikki, we've been to plenty of crime scenes but that one was particularly awful for a variety of reasons. You were upset and I put my hand on your shoulder and you shrugged it off. I was only trying to comfort you and you pushed me away. Why did you do it?"

"Harry I don't even remember…" she began tiredly.

"Why Nikki?"

"Why? Why Harry? Shannon Kelley! Because…because…" she sighed. "What do we do this job for? What do I do this job for?" she corrected herself and continued before Harry could offer an answer. "I do it because in some small way I make things better for people. When their lives are at their worst I make sense of the tragedy surrounding them. I search and I examine and I work and I work to give some stranger some meaning, some reason to explain the death of their loved one."

"Nikki," Harry whispered realising how inappropriate his question had been and his selfish timing. How her quest to ease the pain of others so thinly masked her need for answers to the death of her own loved ones.

"No you started this Harry, you will hear the end. I determined to save Shannon Kelley's life. She could have so easily have slipped away on the road that morning but I wouldn't give up, I didn't want death to cheat me, not when I had the chance to win for once and so I kept pounding on that girl's chest and breathing for her until the paramedics arrived and what did it achieve? What was my prize for finally cheating death? I gave that girl another week of pure hell, another week of torment, another week of pain and tragedy and not only to her. I gave her back to her parents only for them to lose her again, lose her permanently. Did you know her step-father is in a psychiatric facility now? I had done nothing but cause misery to that family and I did not deserve to be comforted when their pain was all my doing. I should never have interfered in the first place and seeing Shannon strung up like that finally at peace just cemented the fact that I was a failure."

"Nikki?" her interpretation of her actions had shocked him. Not in all his thinking about the incident had he come close to this level of self-hatred that was now spewing from his friend's mouth. "So when you pushed my hand away…"

"I told you I didn't deserve any comfort Harry. I didn't deserve to feel protected and safe when I had tortured that poor girl."

"Nikki you did not destroy that family."

"Save it Harry," a note of anger played in her voice now. "I suppose you thought it was all about you again did you?" she asked cruelly. "Not everything is always about you, you know."

"Nikki I didn't mean…"

He didn't get to finish.

"Look Harry, I'm really tired. Whatever it was about that day that bothered you, it wasn't anything that you did wrong, it was everything about what I had done wrong, don't think about it anymore. You have a new life Harry. Don't waste it."

Harry couldn't answer.

"Good night Harry, thanks for a great weekend."

"I'll always be there," he offered.

"Huh?"

"I'll be there Sundays at one. You said it was 'up to me' and it will be; I'll always be online for you. I understand you don't want to talk to me every week like we did before, that you want to move on. But I will always be there any time you want to talk or email."

"Thanks Harry."

"You should get some sleep, don't you have to go in tomorrow?"

"Mmm," Nikki replied sleepily.

"Say hi to Leo."

"Will do."

They paused with nothing more to say but no desire to hang up for what could be the last time.

"So you're a fool then?" Nikki asked.

It took Harry a moment, but then realised what Nikki was referring to.

"It's true," he replied. "All of it," he added to make sure she understood it wasn't just the line about being a fool that he meant but loving her until the day he died too."

"B…."

"Please don't!" he interrupted. "Don't say it, I can't bear it. Thanks for coming, I've had a … It's been…" Harry was at a loss to describe the weekend they had just shared. "I do love you," he said thoughtfully not the way it had crashed out of his mouth at an airport ages before.

"I know. Bye Harry."

He cringed and fell onto his bed. It still bore faint traces of her perfume. He wiped the back of his hand across his face and tugged it through his hair. He wasn't surprised to find it was wet. What a mess. Didn't she realise how many times she had saved his life? Even that morning as she pounded on Shannon Kelley's chest, it was the timing of their phone call that had saved his life during that gas explosion. She hadn't made life worse for everyone that week, not for him; never for him.


I can't stop loving you: Don Gibson, Elvis

When Nikki is leaving Harry gives her the title of another Elvis track 'Now and then, there's a fool such as I,' which is what she is referring to. Read the last few chapters of part 2 or just google the lyrics if you're confused.