Chapter 12: Molly

Someone was shooting at the car. The sound was muffled, I guess a silencer was used, but I immediately understood what it was anyway. On shot hit the window…two… the third went through and made half of Terry's head explode like a watermelon does if you drop it to the ground. He must have died immediately. Blood splashed all over me and I heard someone scream at the top of their lungs and realised it was me, although it felt like all of this must be happing to someone else, it was completely surreal. God, Terry! Naturally, being dead he lost control of the car, but Sergeant James managed to simultaneously slide down in his seat, grab the wheel and steer the car to the side, stop it with breaks squealing, and shout to me;

"Down! Down, stay away from the windows! The bullets can pierce the windows but not the armoured metal!"

I had slid down by reflex, curled up on the floor, breathing heavily, screaming, sobbing in fear as more and more bullets hit the car, the shooter did not cease. I jolted from fear every time a new bullet hit the vehicle. This was someone who seriously wanted me dead. I heard James call for assistance through his radio.

"We have lost Terry. We will wait here for back-up."

His voice so calm, I could not believe it, but this was what he was here for. I had never thought for real that anything like it would happen, but now it was. Another bullet ricocheted against the metal and I squealed.

"Look at me, look at me, Molly." His eyes met mine through the space between the seats. "Take my hand."

I gave him my hand, hesitated to take his as mine was all bloody, but he had no such qualms, just took it and laced his fingers with mine, preventing me from freaking out in panic.

"It's okay, Molly. Remember, the bullets can't get through the armour plating. We should just wait here for assistance. It will take a couple of minutes. You're doing really well."

I sure as hell did not feel like I was doing well at all, and as seconds, minutes went by without help arriving I wondered what took them so long. There were new shots, and despite that he held my hand I could not stop myself from screaming.

"Why isn't help coming? We're going to die here."

"No, we're not, not on my watch.

There was communication through his radio that they would not send in unarmed officers because risk was too high, and we had to wait further for back-up. Suddenly he climbed back to me, taking a risk as he briefly exposed himself through the windows. He crouched beside me, took my face between his palms.

"You will be all right. We will be all right. You have to be brave, I will leave you and try to get to the shooter."

"No, stay with me!"

"I have promised to protect you, and I will. I don't know why the assistance is delayed, I have to try to take him out. I need to get out there."

His face so close, his eyes looking into mine, like a safe point to fix on to stay sane, not panic completely – how would I manage without them? He squeezed my hands one last time, then opened the door ajar, quickly slid out of the car and was gone. I stayed on the floor, panting, squealing, more terrified than I ever had been as more bullets kept bouncing against the metal.

Finally, the shooting stopped and after what seemed like an eternity, police came and opened the door, helped me out and to an ambulance. I had to take one last look at Terry, to say good bye to the man that had been driving me for three years but wished I had not had to see half his face gone, replaced by a bloody mess. I was taken to the hospital to get examined and cleaned up. I stood for long in a warm shower, scrubbing myself and saw the water turn red, then pink, finally clear but still felt like I had Terry's blood on me.

I was informed that Sergeant James had spotted the assassin at the top of a building, managed to get there and take him out, shot him as he would not surrender, just kept shooting. He had not been identified yet. It would take some time before James returned because he had to leave a statement, after action report, about what had happened. It was not known if this was a lone madman, or someone who had accomplices and therefore the threat to me was considered to remain even if this shooter himself was now dead.

So, after such a dreadful experience I was not even allowed to return to my own home, cuddle up in my bed or hide myself in my armchair under my favourite blanket. I was taken to an anonymous hotel room, heavily guarded. I was informed that the country's threat level had been increased to critical. So far there was nothing indicating that this was connected to the 1st October attack, but it could not be ruled out either.

Someone was kind enough to bring me some clothes from the flat, so I could change from the hospital gown I had been offered in place of my blood-stained clothes. Even though I now was in a safe place, clean and changed I was shaken to the core. I was scared and the only thing I wanted was for Sergeant James to return. I knew there was a whole lot of competent people watching over me, but he was the one who made me feel safe. After this attack I was no longer sure who I could trust, but I felt sure I could trust him even if he had been acting strange the last week. The concern in his eyes in the car while the bullets had been raining on us, his calming words, the way he had risked being shot at when he left the car to try to get to the assassin – I trusted him more than anyone.

Kim Knowles informed me that in addition to guards outside my door and further down the corridor, one of them would always be staying in the room next door and I just needed to call on any of them if there was anything. I was grateful for all the safety measures but only wished he would return sometime soon. When he finally knocked the door, came in and closed it behind him I was just trying to prepare myself a cup of tea, but I found that my trembling hands made it difficult. He stood leaning against the doorway, arms crossed, and I could not let him know exactly how glad I actually was to have him back.

"No complaints about the surroundings, but it's unsettling not to be allowed back into your own home." I heard how tired I sounded.

"How are you? Are you okay?"

"How can I be? But I'll survive I suppose…"

"It was surely a nut-job by one man acting alone, so you don't have to fear anymore", he attempted to reassure me.

"Does SO15 know anything about him yet?"

"They would probably tell you before they tell me."

"I've been thinking all afternoon - why didn't help come? Why were the police held back from entering the square?"

"They didn't want to send in unarmed officers, it was not safe, they would have risked their lives."

"I didn't mean them, I meant the armed response vehicles, the ARVs. Surely they must have been able to get there sooner – unless someone ordered them to stay back?"

A flicker in his eyes. Had thought the same? If so he did not care to share his thoughts.

"I don't know Dawes. There's no reason why anyone would hold them back."

"We were under attack! Caught in the line of fire! Who would have the power to do so, to give such an order to hold resources back?"

He did not seem comfortable to be speculating about this.

"That would be an executive officer at SO15, like Anne Sampson… or someone higher up in command, but don't draw any hasty conclusions now. It could be down to unfortunate circumstances."

"I'm scared! A man tried to kill me, and it seems like someone maybe wanted to let him do it."

"I can't imagine ARVs were held back without a good reason. First priority is always preservation of life."

"I was being shot at!"

My hands were now shaking uncontrollably, and I tipped the teacup on its tray and started crying. Suddenly he was by my side, took my hands and held them still.

"Calm down, it will be okay. No one is going to harm you, I'll make sure of that."

He was holding my hands but seemed hesitant to step closer, and now I very much needed him to do that, to hold me.

"I'm not the Queen, you are allowed to touch me. Please, can you hold me", I begged him.

He still looked hesitant about if it was appropriate, but there was no one there to see us so in the end he stepped into me and wrapped his arms around me. I'm not sure how long I stood there, leaning my head against his chest, heard his steady heart beats, felt the calming effect of his body heat through the clothes and for a moment I felt completely safe. All I wanted was to stay like this, have him near me. It felt like he had his lips to my hair and when I finally looked up on him, he had his head turned down to me and our lips were so close. I did not think, just felt and acted on instinct and suddenly my lips grazed over his. First once almost by mistake, then once more because I could not resist. I wanted him to respond, wanted him to kiss me back, and for a second I thought he would, but instead he took a deep breath and stepped away from me.

"This is not right, you're upset, and I can't let you do this."

I was upset and maybe that was what made me act, but I had wanted this for so long. It had nothing to do with my exposed situation except that it had made me unable to hold back. I immediately felt ashamed though, knowing I had put him in an awkward position he probably did not wish for at all. I was the higher ranking of the two of us and it was so completely inappropriate of me to make a pass at him. I turned my back to him in embarrassment.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have… I'm not myself."

"I know… and no worries, I don't hold it against you in any way. I'm not offended. It's just that I have to focus on my job which is protecting you, and you don't need to do something you immediately would regret."

I would not regret it, I knew that for sure, not if he had wanted it too – but he did not.

"Can you please leave me alone?"

I hated that my voice was breaking, but I did not take his rejection well after everything else this day. He watched me silently for a few seconds and I felt so small under his gaze, his arms again crossed over his chest, distantly, defensively, no longer a place where I could seek refuge and comfort.

"I'll go but I'll be outside or in the room next door if you need me."

I did need him, but in ways which he could not be there for me, so it was better that he left. I just nodded. Before opening the door, he paused.

"Molly, I…"

I met his eyes, had no idea what he wanted to say.

"…no, sorry, nothing." And he opened the door and left.

I sunk down on the bed, feeling lonelier than ever. I had longed for him to come and then I had made fool of myself. Overstepped in the relationship employer vs. employee. Oh, my god if a tabloid had been able to expose such juicy details – I would have been completely fucked. At least that was something I felt sure about, that he would never tell anyone what just had happened, but it was a small consolation in this situation. He had rejected me. He did not want me like I wanted him, that was painfully obvious. It was not late, but I was exhausted and I was sad, so I went to bed, pulled the duvet over my head and cried silently, feeling not only threatened but also like a pathetic failure for having tried to kiss my bodyguard.