A/N: I am so incredibly sorry that it's taken so long for me to update. This is actually the fourth version on this chapter...I scrapped the other three because they weren't up to my standards and I won't release something I don't love myself. Also my poor beta Mrj726 has been in and out of the hospital for the last several days and is sick as a dog...so please keep her in your prayers. Even so she worked as hard as she could on this update even though she was sick and I just want to say 'I LOVE you MJ!" Also I feel like I need to reiterate that this story is very AU and OOC...I was clear about that in my first author's notes but some of you may have forgotten by your reviews. That's ok. I do realize Jane and Maura in this story are nothing like what they are on TV and no they aren't perfect and never will be. I get that...I wrote it like that on purpose. Show me a perfect person and I'll show you a liar. Anyway...I hope you guys like the chapter...it's rough in the middle but it ends on a lighter note. The deep darkness is over...it's recovery and humor and fun times mostly from here on out.

Jane

We never truly sleep, we are always awake. Our bodies may be at rest, but our minds are always working, living, and dreaming. During the darkest night, in our deepest sleep, our minds journey in a world of its own creation. The landscape is whatever our spirit allows, whatever our hearts feel, whatever we desire and truthfully love. Dynamic canvases of colors are animated in our dreamscape. Dreams dance wondrous things. These inner skylights are ours and ours alone. No human may know what we dream; they are often symbolic of our realest secrets and our truest selves. In our dreams we can be free of the darkness of the world, free of the confines that warp our waking minds, free of the pain that infects our bodies, free of everything. In dreams we fly, in dreams we dance. In dreams we remember striking, exquisite moments, the greatest triumphs of our lives. Where I was pain did not exist. Where I was I was not broken, I was not bruised, I was not sad or miserable or scared. I did not remember pain, I did not remember fear. In my dreams I was happy. In my dreams I could see her face, bright and shining. I could see her eyes, wide and excited. And that smile, I could see her smile. I remembered that smile, I remembered that night, I remembered her face. She was so beautiful; her hair fell like waves of golden silk over her slightly tanned shoulders. She was laughing, the sound of her voice made me smile...timidly; I'd never seen this side of her before. She looked carefree, absent the burden of forced sophistication and the chains of her name, station, and responsibilities. She danced without a thought or care in the world outside her happiness and the giggles she gave only to me. The music played through the stereo speakers, a goofy song but Maura loved it and I loved her. She grooved around the living room in her little shorts and tank top, her white socks sliding across the floor as she tried to keep rhythm with the beat. Her hazel eyes were sparkling, her gorgeous lips spread across her face in a smile so lovely it took my breath away. Her smile found me every time she spun in my direction, her eyes twinkled, her face flushed from her dance. Franklin Thomas ran around her feet in circles yipping, barking and jumping excitedly. I saw the shining stars of the nocturnal sky through the huge wall sized windows on the far side of the living room. The night was tranquil and serene, but my heart was on fire. I watched her from the corner of the room, still too unsettled to run to her, too apprehensive of what she made me feel, of what she made me desire, of what she made me think. All I knew in that moment, as I watched her dance, was one simple thought...'she is my dream.'

I brushed my dark and unkempt curls from my face and shuffled awkwardly. Maura called to me. Her voice resonated in my ear like notes of dulcet beauty. My smile was warm, but I still hesitated. I lowered my eyes and turned my head. I had been staring at her legs, her toned shapely legs. I had not realized what I was doing, my mind wandered, and my senses escaped me. But her voice snapped me back to reality. I felt my face blush at the thoughts I tried to deny I was thinking, but Maura just smiled wider. She ran to me and grabbed my hands. She pulled me into the living room and spun me in a circle; I twirled like a ballerina before Maura pulled me into her arms and held me tightly against her body. I giggled, Maura beamed. She put my hand on her shoulder and held my other gently in hers. She held my waist and led me through the steps of a dance I'd never done before. She was graceful yet firm. I followed her steps and let her lead me as she liked. I giggled the whole time but Maura's face was almost stone. I would have been alarmed if not for the playful gleam and amusement in her eyes. I understood Maura well enough to read into her, inside of her. Her face may have been stone but her eyes gleamed with love for me and an affection I only felt in her arms. Her hand on my waist made me burn with desire and the glimmer in her eyes were a open book of all the pleasure she would surely make me feel before the night was over. But in that moment we danced like only lovers do, and it was wonderful. I felt like a swan, or a flower in bloom. I felt like a princess and Maura, in her tiny shorts, her thin white tank top and her little white socks, was my prince. She lowered me into a dip and I squealed in delight. Franklin Thomas pranced around my head leaping up and licking my face. Maura pulled me back into her arms and I fell into her laughing lightly. Maura grinned. I wrapped my arms around her neck and she held my waist. I nuzzled my face into her hair and sighed softly. We moved slowly, our steps barely more than shuffles across the hardwood floor as we made circles in each other's arms. She whispered sweet things in my ear. Her voice made me sigh and her warm breath sent shivers down my spine. She held me closer and softly kissed my neck.

"I'm so happy I found you little princess," she whispered to me.

I smiled. I thought of when she first called me that...'little princess'. I thought of the first time we made love the night before. I thought of the ecstasy I felt. I thought of the tears I cried as she lay on top of me, inside of me, as she whispered my name when my legs trembled and my heart soared and my body erupted in pure delight and bliss. I thought of the color of Maura's eyes as she gazed down at me as the waves of my orgasm washed over me. I thought of the way her eyes burned and yet they looked so soft, sweet, and loving. They bored into me and looked deep inside. I had no secrets from her in that moment, she saw everything, she was everything. Her eyes spoke to me, of affection, protection, and of love, so much love, a love I had never known existed. I remember in that moment, as I gazed up at the woman that had changed my life that I was hers, and she was mine, and we were one.

"The best thing that ever happened to me besides the birth of my daughter was the moment I met you." I said softly.

Maura smiled. She ran her fingers under my jaw and pulled me into a kiss so warm and passionate I melted. I let her kiss me deeply. I felt the fire stir in my body, I felt my heart break free of the chains I'd forged to hold it together so tightly and protect it from the world and its cruelty. But in that moment, there was no need for chains. I was safe in Maura's arms; my heart was safe in Maura's hands. She loved me, she would always love me. I knew it...I knew it.

Memories can envelope us in dreams. Things forgotten or pushed into the recesses of the mind come out and play. Poignant moments that we once thought trivial, took for granted or held in vain become beacons to guide us, to help us realize what we have, or what may be lost if the darkness of our waking life clouds our hearts. Dreams are never silent things; they speak loud and clear if only we open our eyes to see.

I remembered that day. The warm summer breeze, the way her hair swept over her face, the way the flowers smelled, the way she laughed, the way the sunlight reflected in her eyes. I sat next to her on the bench smiling. Everything was beautiful to me in that moment. The people walked by smiling at us and Angela giggling in her arms. Maura was talking, chatting away. I do not remember what she was saying, I just remember what I was feeling...happy. I licked my ice cream in content; flavors of vanilla and chocolate filled my mouth and made me sigh. Maura was trying to lick her own ice cream while holding Angela's squirming body in her lap. Angela giggled and clapped her hands, her eyes sparkling and eyeing the ice cream eagerly. Her little feet kicked in her tiny pink shoes and she bounced in Maura's lap. Maura laughed and teased Angela with the ice cream cone. Angela, ever impatient, just grabbed the ice cream with her little hands and shoved it in her mouth laughing gaily and mischievously at Maura's stunned but smiling face. Maura's smile was beautiful as she shook her head at Angela.

"Baby you're such a messy little girl!" Maura sighed, leaning over to pull a wipe from the diaper bag.

Angela clapped her hands, ice cream on her fingers and mouth. She planted a sloppy, messy ice cream kiss on Maura's cheek when Maura leaned close to her. Maura squealed in shock. Angela just grinned playfully. I smiled at them both.

"Look what your daughter did to my face," Maura said, feigning disapproval.

I knew she was not angry, even as ice cream slid down her chin. I leaned over and kissed her on the mouth, licking off the ice cream and planting light kisses on her sweet face. I started to pull away, but Maura leaned forward and took my mouth with hers. I felt her tongue slide between my lips and dance with my own. I wrapped my fingers in her soft, silky-smooth hair and kissed her back gently, the taste of ice cream and heaven covering my tongue. I pulled away from her slowly and looked deep into her eyes. The sunlight in her hair made it shine like pure gold, her eyes gleaming with desire and sincerity. I was lost in my love for her as she kissed me again under the warmth of the summer sun.

"So she's my daughter when she's bad?" I teased Maura.

Maura rolled her eyes but her grin never left her face. She brushed my hair from my eyes as a warm breeze swept my curls in my face.

"She's so very much like you," Maura giggled. "Like mother like daughter,"

"Hey I can eat my ice cream without making a mess...usually." I laughed.

Maura just grinned, I knew she was thinking about that time I had in fact made a huge mess of myself trying to eat ice cream while I was watching a baseball game, but Maura didn't say the words. She was gracious and only gave me her best smile despite the knowing amusement I saw in her eyes. I started to pout anyway but I felt Maura's lips on mine again before I could work up a good grimace. There was nothing left to do but kiss her back. I could think of nothing else but the flush of my body and the burning in my heart when she kissed me like that. It felt like the world faded away and there was only she, I, our baby, and our love in that moment. When Maura finally broke the kiss she sat back looking at me starry eyed and sweet faced. She wiped her lipstick from my mouth with her thumb and I playfully swatted her away. Maura's eyes gleamed and she grabbed the back of my head and pulled me close landing many wet kisses all over my face so it was covered in her lipstick. I didn't mind. I pretended I did and squirmed and protested as her kisses fell all over me, but in truth there were no other kisses I cared to have in the world besides hers and I'd wear her lipstick proudly as testament of just how much I loved her...and how lucky I was. When I finally pulled away I smiled at her sincerely.

"She's our daughter, Maura. You're Maddy and she loves you." I said gently wrapping my arm around Maura's shoulder and kissing her forehead. "She belongs to you as much as me."

Maura was beaming at me in between looking at a smiling Angela who was licking ice cream from her sticky fingers. Angela reached up and touched Maura's face with her messy hand and tried to stick a finger in Maura's mouth. Angela giggled wickedly at Maura's exclamations of her messiness. I giggled along with my daughter as I brushed Maura's hair from her face and wiped the ice cream from her cheek gently. Maura looked lovingly at me as I cleaned her face. The electricity between our bodies threatened to set me on fire. I felt drawn to her, like my only place in life was in her arms. She leaned her forehead against mine, our lips almost touching. She sighed softly in that moment, her eyes closed, her mind filing away the memory in her head, and her heart beating in rhythm with my own. I held her hand in mine, I kissed her fingers lightly. She opened her eyes to look at me; the hazel of her pupils was light and bright, the sun beaming right alone with her face. My breath caught deep in my throat. I'd never seen her look so pretty. I'd never been so happy. I'd never felt more in love.

"You're so pretty, Maura. Every time I look at you it takes my breath away. I can hardly breathe some times when I'm around you. The things you make me feel...God I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes and it can't be real. And then you smile at me...and it feels like I'm on fire and my heart melts and my knees go all weak. I sound like such an idiot talking like this but I can't help it!" I wailed in disbelief that I sounded like a cheesy love song. But in that instant Maura gave me that exact smile and I did melt. I always would. Her smile...God she was beautiful.

"There's nothing I wouldn't do to see you smile," I whispered to her, my words shaky and unsteady from the flood of emotions she made me feel.

Maura's eyes lit up and rimmed with tears.

"I love you so much princess," She said softly. "I love you and our daughter."

One tear rolled from her eye. My heart broke in the way that hearts break sometimes when the feelings inside are so intense they threaten to consume you. I kissed the tear as it streamed down her cheek. I kissed her eye lid and enjoyed her playful laugh. I kissed the bridge of her nose and giggled when she squirmed. I kissed her lips, and she kissed mine and all there was in the world was beauty in that moment.

"I love you too angel...I'll always be there to kiss the ice cream off your face." I giggled at her playfully.

Maura smiled sweetly, Angela squealed in her arms. We looked at our daughter. In our distraction Angela had attacked Maura's ice cream cone again and she was covered in the stuff from head to toe. It was down the front of her overalls, all over her arms and even in her hair. I rolled my eyes, Maura laughed. I loved the sound.

One vision faded to another, one memory replaced with the next. I was lying in Maura's arms curled against her as she read. Her arm was wrapped around me, her fingers slid through my hair as she studied the words on the page. I lay quietly next to her, the silk of her nightgown slid through my fingers as I ran my hand over her stomach. I felt peace, there in her arms in our bed where we made love and fell asleep in each other's embrace. I always felt peace in our bed. I loved those quiet moments, where the madness of the day was replaced with the calmness of the night and there was nothing left but the love I had for her and she for me. I was spent and exhausted, my muscles ached inside from the love we made earlier. I lay naked in her arms, covered only by a sheet. Maura always loved when I slept naked in her arms. My thighs slid over each other slick and moist from the pleasure she gave me. My lips were smiling, remembering the way I'd cried for her in my moment of bliss and the fire in Maura's eyes as I covered her fingers with my essence and softly whispered her name just after I came. I wanted to close my eyes and sleep, but I did not want to miss a single moment with her. She was so pretty, with her reading glasses and the stern expression of concentration she always got when she was reading. I was enthusiastic but thoughtful about the following day, happy to be leaving for Boston with Maura. I was not afraid anymore to return to the city I had avoided for so long. I was not scared of anything in Maura's arms. She would protect me, I knew it, she promised me. She would always look after me.

"I'm going to take you to my favorite Italian place in Boston Maura," I whispered to her. "You like Italian don't you?"

Maura looked down at me. She had an odd smile on her face, playful and devilish.

"I like you my little Italian princess," She laughed.

I giggled.

"I meant the food Maura, do you like Italian food?" I whined.

Maura's smile looked playfully lewd and she arched her eye brow.

"I like eating you, so I'm going to say yes I do." She laughed running her tongue along her top teeth.

I rolled my eyes and poked her in the side, but I blushed and smiled none the less.

"Be serious Maura...I want to show you all the stuff in Boston I love. I'll take you to the house I grew up in, and to my favorite park, and my favorite museum, and maybe we can catch a baseball game. That would be awesome...I love baseball." I said excitedly.

I looked up into Maura's eyes hopefully. Maura smiled and kissed my forehead.

"I have a lot of work to do honey, but as soon as I get settled in at the department I will have more free time." Maura said. Her eyes seemed sad yet also sincere.

I whined.

"Is your cold case more important than me?" I pouted.

"Nothing is more important than the happiness of our family; it's all I think about. I want to give you peace and happiness Jane, it's all I want," Maura said looking right into my eyes.

Her eyes were bright with honesty, but there was something else in her eyes. Something dark, something I could not quite place.

"Being with you makes me happy." I smiled up at her.

Maura cocked her head and looked at me through hazy love struck eyes. She closed her book and pulled me into her body and landed kisses all over my head and face. I squealed and giggled in her arms. She tickled and pawed at my body and I shuddered as she crawled on top of me again. I tried to put up a fight but Maura was stronger than she looked and she made me weak when I felt her kisses on my breasts and her tongue run over my nipples. I shuddered and my breath hitched in my throat.

"Maura," Her name was all air and heaven on my tongue.

Maura covered her body with mine and looked down at me sweetly. Her hair tickled my face, her body sent sparks of hunger through my own and I wanted her so badly in that moment. I leaned up to kiss her and moaned softly into her mouth when she met my kiss with as much desire as I felt for her. I clawed at her night gown trying to pull it over her head but she stopped me. She grabbed my hands and held them firmly at her side. Her eyes burned the way they always did when I knew she would take me and ravish me and make me scream her name in pleasure and bliss.

"You're happiness is all I think about, it's all I want, it's all I desire, it's what I dream of every night. I'll do anything and everything in my power to make you happy little princess." Maura said kissing my forehead again.

"Promise?" I whispered up at her.

"Always," Maura said kissing my lips and sliding her hand between my legs.

I gasped and shuddered. I closed my eyes and pulled her body closer to mine. I held her tightly as she made love to me and I surrendered myself to her freely. When my pleasure came I cried her name as tears streamed down my face. Her kiss on my lips made my heart ache.

"You're everything to me," She whispered in my ear.

I had no breath to speak. All I could do was smile. I fell asleep in her arms with her kisses on my cheek.

"You're everything to me too," I said softly as my tired eyes finally closed. I fell asleep with her tears on my cheek.

In dreams we fly, in dreams we dance, in dreams we remember beautiful things, precious moments, the greatest triumphs of our lives...in our dreams we could have them forever. Dreams are peace when the world is cruel, happiness where our waking lives fail us, light where there is only darkness...but dreams do not last forever. We must wake, we must face this cold cruel world and the pain it brings upon us. We must fight to live, to love, and to survive, each moment more precious than the last until our final sleep comes for us and we may dream forever. Until then...we wake.

Maura

Seven days of darkness. Seven days of pain. Seven days in a world that knew no laughter and saw no smiles. Seven days of watching the woman I love suffer. Seven days of fear. Seven days of sleepless nights and each waking moment a nightmare I could not escape. Seven days since we arrived in New York. Seven days that felt like a year. But with each and every new day I still found it in myself to hope. I hoped and I prayed. Perhaps today she would love me. Perhaps today she would smile. Perhaps today the shadow above her would release her and give her back to me. Perhaps today I would slay her demons. Perhaps today I would beat back her pain. Perhaps today she would not suffer...perhaps today...perhaps today. If not today, then maybe tomorrow, and if not that day, then hopefully the next. I only knew I would never stop fighting, I would not surrender. I would journey on into whatever nightmare; battle for battle, blood for blood, tear for tear until I won and Jane was mine again heart and soul. I would never let her go.

Jane stood awkwardly in the corner of the bathroom. She held the blanket around her body tightly. She did not lift her head. She did not meet my eyes. Her long dark curls fell in her face hiding her bruises from me and the world. She did not want me to see her; she flinched and turned away every time I reached for her. I watched her reflection in the mirror as I laid out the plastic to wrap her cast before she took a shower. She looked so small and frail standing hunched and shaking in the corner. I sighed heavily. I blinked back my tears. I wanted to hold her, so much, with everything inside of me I just wanted to hold her. My arms ached for her, my fingers craved to touch her hair and face; my eyes were starving to see her dark brown eyes absent the pain I knew was there. Jane had not really met my eyes in seven long days, and even if she did, they were void and empty. She stared at nothing, her gaze far away and distant, her eyes hollow and her expression vacant. When I touched her I felt her body shake, and she would whimper as if she were petrified. Even the softest touch made her shudder. Even my softest voice made her balk. I spoke to her only in whispers; I touched her only with my fingertips. I fought back my tears with all my strength every time I looked at her. I loved her so much, even now, she was beautiful to me. I wanted to tell her that, I wanted to tell her I loved her and that she was the world to me. But each time I said those words, even in whispers, tears would leak from the hollows of her dark distant eyes. She would hang her head and cry softly to herself. She would cover her face to hide her bruises from me, and her expression showed only a shame that was not hers to bear. My heart broke; it shattered into a million pieces every time she would hide from me. I would reach for her, but she would shy away, I would speak to her and she would tremble. Even still, I loved her so much, I kept trying and I would never stop.

I looked at my own reflection in the mirror. I barely recognized my face. My eyes had dark circles under them, my face looked gaunt and pale, and my mouth sagged at the corners making my already desperate eyes look even more hollowed and depressing. My hair was frazzled and stringy; I had not brushed it in days. Every waking moment of my life was spent in service of Jane and our daughter. I cared nothing for myself. My every breath and heartbeat I gave to Jane. Sleep rarely came for me, and when it did it was fitful and full of nightmares. I seldom ate, and when I did I ate very little. Food had become bland and tasteless meant only for sustenance; there was no joy in any bite I took. My eyes would always wander to Jane's empty chair at our table and my lips would tremble and food would no longer pass between them. What joyful moments I did have were with my daughter in my arms. Yet even she had been abnormally quiet and her giggles that always made me feel so light and free came few and far between. The very air in the apartment was cold, lonely and screaming with silence. Even Franklin Thomas walked with light feet and hid in corners, his eyes sad and uncertain. Jane would not touch him or even acknowledge his presence. I had no time for him; his only comfort was Consuela who was the only one to remember to feed him and walk him and give him kind words. Consuela rarely spoke to me and when she did it was only to try and get me to eat or ask after Jane. I rarely answered her with words. I only sighed and shook my head and walked away heartbroken again. My mother stopped by often with food or gifts or words of comfort. She tried to talk to me, but conversation brought me no joy, the only voice I wanted to hear was Jane's, and she had no words for me.

I tried many times to get Jane to hold our child, but she would not touch her. She would not even look at her. She would turn her head, close her eyes and tears would stream down her face. That broke my heart more than anything else. I did not understand. Angela was so beautiful and so precious. Jane loved Angela...I knew she did. But she could not even look upon her face. I would cry then, when Jane turned away from our child. I could not help myself. I could not bear to see the way Angela would squeal for her excitedly and reach for her with her tiny hands only to have Jane turn away. Angela would look at me so sadly, her big brown eyes not understanding why her mother would not hold her. But Angela did not cry. She wrapped her arms around my neck and sighed softly in my hair. When I lay her in her crib she would turn her back to me and stare off at nothing.

Jane did nothing but sleep. Our room had become something like a dark cave, a tomb for the joy that once filled our bed and the pleasure we found there in each other's arms. Jane only woke when I changed her bandages or tried in vain to get her to eat. When I had to apply the ointment between her legs she would shake violently and cry softly to herself. She would pull the covers over her face, and I could hear her sobbing and feel her legs quivering. Her cries broke my heart. I would always be as gently as I could. I would talk to her while I did it, and tell her stories of beautiful things, of precious moments I remembered with her, of all the love I had in my heart for only her. I would keep my voice light and cheerful and sometimes if I had the strength I would smile at her. But her eyes held only tears and her face showed only shame. Every time she looked at me that way my gentle words would catch in my throat and my eyes would burn screaming to cry the tears that were always in my heart. But I could not cry. I loved Jane and she had to understand that she was beautiful to me, that I was not ashamed of her, that she was still my little princess. But sometimes despite how hard I tried my own pain broke free and tears would stream down my face as I worked. I would hide my face from Jane, but I knew she saw my tears. When I would finish she would turn her back to me and stare off at nothing just the way our daughter did. I would leave her then and cry angry tears alone in a corner until my body ached from the pain in my heart and my soul felt empty and spent of all I had to give. But each day I would find new strength, each morning I would find new hope, each moment I just kept fighting. Perhaps today...perhaps today.

Sometimes when she was sleeping I would sneak into our bed and wrap my arms around her and nuzzle my face in her hair. I would inhale deeply the essence of her and tears would come to my eyes. I would kiss her face and watch her as she slept. I just wanted to be close to her, and feel her in my arms. I ached so badly to hold her; it was all I wanted in this world, to wrap her in my arms. Sometimes I would read to her while she slept. I would pretend that she would laugh, or smile, or look up at me enthusiastically the way she used to when she would listen to me read. I would run my fingers through her hair as I read and it would bring me comfort. I liked to pretend that she loved me in her dreams while she was sleeping. I liked to imagine her smile, her happy brown eyes, and her kiss. I loved to imagine her kiss. But I had not felt such things in many days, and the only kisses I knew I stole from her as she was sleeping. I touched my lips as I stared at myself in the mirror. They looked thin and lifeless, like the absence of Jane's touch was starving them of all existence. I sighed heavily and looked back at Jane again. She was still huddled in the corner.

I gathered the plastic in my hands and approached her slowly. Jane didn't like rapid movements.

"Little princess," I called to her softly. "Are you ready to take a shower?"

Jane fidgeted in the corner and looked up at me through distant eyes. She did not speak. She only nodded her head. I walked carefully to her. I tried to pull the blanket off her shoulders but she jumped and held it tighter against her. I felt her body shaking.

"It's ok my love. I'm not going to hurt you. You know that princess. I'm never going to hurt you." I whispered.

I brushed Jane's hair from her face. She tried to pull away and hide her bruises again, but I did not let her turn away. I cradled her face in my hands and smiled at her as warmly as I could. She lowered her eyes and stared down at the floor. I brushed my thumb over her cheeks and stepped closer to her, so our bodies were almost touching. Jane's therapist said repeated exposure and gentle touches were necessary to retrain Jane to understand that she could trust me, I would not hurt her, and that I loved her. She said it would take time, patience, and all my love to see Jane through this. I'd never put much stock in therapy before. I always thought the study of the mind was a vague and uncertain science, but I would do anything...anything to help Jane understand that I loved her, so much... and that I would always love her. I talked to the therapist every day, on the phone or in our home as Jane slept. I just needed someone to talk too, someone who understood, and someone who could tell me how to fix this. I had to know how to help Jane get better, help her to trust again and how to give her everything she needed. I soaked up every word the therapist said to me like oxygen and filed them away in my memory. I would forget nothing and I would give everything and all that I was to Jane.

"I'm going to take off the blanket now sweetheart. I'll be careful ok. I won't hurt you." I said gently.

I slowly pulled the blanket off Jane's shoulders. She resisted at first but I stepped closer to her and whispered softly in her ear.

"It's ok my love. I won't hurt you. You're safe here...I got you sweetheart." I softly spoke to her.

Eventually, Jane let me pull the blanket from her shoulders. I kept my face close to hers so our cheeks were almost touching. I felt the heat radiating from her body, I felt her fear. It was palpable, like a living breathing thing I could reach out and touch. I vowed that one day I would slay that thing with the dagger of my love...one day...perhaps today. I carefully unbuttoned her pajama top. She flinched when I tried to take it off her body but I shushed her softly. I kissed her bruised cheek several times to still her. This time she did not pull away from my kisses. I was surprised at this, but I was careful not to be overzealous. My heart beat picked up its pace as I leaned my cheek into hers and pulled her shirt over her shoulders to fall on the floor at her feet. Jane immediately wrapped her arms around her breasts. She began to shake violently. I was careful with her. I did not move to touch her again. I moved back several steps very slowly.

"It's ok little princess...it's ok." I said softly.

I reached my hand out and lifted her face so she was looking at me. I held her face there for several long moments communicating non-verbally with her that I would not hurt her, that I loved her, that she was safe here with me. I held her gaze as I slowly started undoing the buttons of my own blouse with one hand. I pulled the blouse off my body and tossed it on the counter. I unfastened my bra and let it fall away from me. I unzipped my skirt and stepped out of it. I pulled off my panties and let them drop. I pulled off my heels and tossed them aside. I stood with my palms up in submission never taking my eyes from Jane's face.

"I'm not going to hurt you sweetheart. Can I help you undress now?" I whispered.

Jane seemed less afraid now that I was naked. Her therapist said the best way to reach her was to present myself vulnerable just as she was and she would slowly start to trust me. Jane slowly nodded her head before turning her eyes away from me again. I walked to her and wrapped her in my arms. I did not hold her too tightly. Her broken ribs caused her a tremendous amount of pain and I always had to be careful. I felt Jane shudder in my embrace, but she leaned her head on my shoulder as I held her and my heart overflowed with love. I pulled her closer against me and landed many kisses in her hair and on her shoulders and her neck. It felt so good to have her in my arms. Even though she was still shaking against me, I savored this moment; I whispered soft words of comfort and simple encouragements in her ear. I ran my fingertips over her back gently, the muscles beneath her smooth skin shuddered at my touch. I was careful with her. I did not kiss her hard. They were soft easy kisses, just the lightest brush of my lips against her skin. But the taste of her filled my heart with hope and love. Just this small act of trust and surrender from Jane felt like heaven. I wanted to hold her tightly, I wanted to lift her into my arms and rock her back and forth and keep her forever in the love of my embrace but I could not push. The feeling of her head on my shoulders made my knees feel weak and my heart flutter in my chest. I stood there for many long moments holding my girlfriend, the love of my life, the mother of my child gently in my arms. This one small step felt like a major victory. Her hair on my shoulders set my skin tingling, but I fought desperately to control myself. I didn't want Jane to mistake my excitement as a threat. I didn't want to rush this moment. I would hold her as long as she would let me until she knew and understood again, that I would always be there to hold her. She was my everything.

"Can I take off your pants sweet heart?" I whispered softly in her ear.

At first I felt Jane tense up. I didn't move though. I just waited holding her close against me and letting her feel her way to understanding that she was safe with me. Then after a few moments, I felt Jane nod her head on my shoulder. I slowly pulled away from her and lifted her chin so she was looking at me again. She met my eyes with hers, they were not so distant. She was looking right at me, into me, studying me. I smiled at her as best I could. I did not want her to see my anxiety, sense of loss, or my own pain. But I had not looked so deeply into her eyes in many days and I did not realize until that moment just how much I had missed her. I kissed her again, just below her eye and when she did not flinch, I kissed her at the corner of her mouth, and when she did not flinch, I kissed her softly on her lips. Just a peck. But I felt Jane's lips close over mine for that one sweet second and I could have burst into flames from joy and elation. But then Jane lowered her eyes again and turned her head. I slowly bent down to help her from her pajama pants. I felt her hand on my shoulder for balance as she stepped from the pants and stood naked in front of me. I smiled at her and kissed her cheek again before I carefully wrapped her cast in the plastic to protect it from the shower water.

Jane leaned against me as I washed her back. I was extremely gentle with her. The hot water ran down our bodies and Jane sighed softly against my neck. She loved the shower. I kissed her shoulders as I washed her. She did not brush me away. She looked down at me as I washed her legs and her feet. I felt her run her fingers through my hair and I looked up at her smiling. She did not return my smile, but she did not turn her eyes from me. I kissed her bruised ribs and her stomach and her hips. I heard her sigh again and her hands tightened in my hair. She flinched when I washed her breasts and she tried to pull away when I washed between her legs, but I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her into me again.

"I won't hurt you sweetheart. I won't hurt you. You're doing so well. You're so brave...you've always been strong and brave. Can you be brave for me now and let me help you get all squeaky clean?" I whispered to her.

I heard her whimper in my ear but she wrapped her arms around my neck and nodded her head. Her body shook when I touched her there. I fought back my tears and fought hard to even my breath. This place, between her legs, was where I'd found my greatest joy. It was where I worshipped her, where I lay my heart at her feet, where I expressed my every feeling and my every desire for her in honor of her and our love. The place between her legs was precious to me and it belonged only to us. I know that man had hurt her there, stolen what was Jane's and what was mine. I know that Jane felt shame over her suffering; I saw it in her eyes. So far, nothing I said made Jane understand, accept, or believe that she was still exquisite to me. That what was between her legs was still precious to me, and always would be, no matter what had been done to her. I felt her legs shake when the sponge passed between her legs and I had to hold her tightly to support her so she didn't fall. But she let me do it. Though I would have understood completely, I was so grateful she did not break down and cry. Her tears made my heart ache to the point of breaking and I did not want her to see me start crying. She watched me as I washed my body. Her eyes were soft and never left my face. I would lean in and kiss her from time to time, letting her know that I was still there, that I would always be there, I would never hurt her. I dried her off gingerly when our bathing was done. I sat her on the counter and put lotion on her skin. I felt her hands in my hair as I put lotion on her feet. I looked up at her and she was smiling. Just slightly. It was just a twinkle of the little grin that made my heart skip a beat in my chest.

"What's so funny?" I asked curiously.

"It tickles," Jane whispered.

Her speech was thick and slow from the stitches in her mouth, but her voice made my heart soar and my jaw drop. It was still her voice. The voice that I hadn't heard for so long except to hear her as she wept. I was shocked to hear it now. I stood quickly and looked at her wide-eyed and startled. I could hardly breathe. I felt tears burning behind my eyes. Seven long days I had been absent the pleasure of so much as a single word from her. Was today the day she acknowledged the love we have? Was today the day I would win my first battle...could we be so lucky? I slowly moved my hand to her face. It was shaky and unsteady from my excitement. I cradled her cheek in my hand and smiled at her as tears rolled down my face. So many emotions overcame me. I felt my chest bursting with love and hope. She had only spoken two words barely above a whisper, but the sound of her voice was a chorus to my ears. I dared to step closer to her. She did not flinch. I put my hands on the counter on either side of her and leaned my forehead against hers. Our lips were so close together they were almost touching. I felt her body shudder when I wrapped her in my arms. I pulled her into me and stood there rocking her in my arms. Our damp skin slid over each others, our breasts touched, I felt her heart beat in her chest as I held her. I fell into the rhythm of her heart and knew mine beat in tandem with hers. I ran my fingers up her sides softly and felt Jane shudder and squirm.

"Tickles," Jane said again.

I felt myself laughing through my tears. I kept running my fingers over her sides and Jane giggled in my ear. Her laughter set my soul on fire. I pulled back and looked at her as she squirmed. Her head was bowed and her hair covered her face, but I heard her soft giggles as I tickled her none the less. I could have died of happiness. The tears on my face were those of joy, unspeakable joy. They were a light in the darkness of my nightmares. They were a sound of triumph in my despair. They were a beacon of hope in my misery and they were beautiful...so beautiful...so beautiful. I had prayed so hard to hear her laugh again. I had prayed on my knees with all that was in me that Jane might know joy again. My spirit, broken from so much hurt, had wished to know this moment, to hear her voice, to know that somewhere, somehow, my Janie was still with me and that her spirit had not been broken. That I could help save her and that she would let me love her again. I needed to know I was strong enough, brave enough to walk this road of darkness with her and bring her back into our life together. I had cried for her so long, so hard, so desperately for so many days and nights. I fought for her, battled for her, neglected myself and forsaking all others in care of her and just to hear her laugh...it took my breath away. I fell to my knees at her feet. I looked up at her as the tears streamed from my eyes. I knew I was smiling, a genuine smile. I did not have to force, nor did I have to pretend. The sound of her voice split my face into a grin it had not worn in so long my muscles ached from the action. I leaned my forehead against her knees and kissed them with quaking lips. I felt her hand in my hair again. It was a soft touch, a gentle touch; it felt like the kiss of an angel. I looked up at her still smiling; she looked down at me with curious eyes. I felt her hand on my face. I clasped her hand and kissed her wrist many times. She smiled at me and I was flying.

She was quiet while I dressed her in sweats and a Red Sox t shirt. She did not speak again; she flinched if I moved too fast in my excitement. I had to work hard to calm myself and be steady and gentle with her. I had to remember she was still hurting, despite her giggle and the brief smile she gave me. But I had hope now. I could see her through this, I could do it...I would do it. I touched her more often, but still carefully. I did not want to alarm her in any way. I took her fingers gently in mine and led her to the bedroom again where she sat gingerly on the bed.

"Sweetheart. Would you like to go outside today? We could walk through the gardens and sit in the sunshine...would you like that?" I asked her gently.

I ran my fingers through her damp hair as I spoke to her. She looked up at me nervously. Her eyes flitted toward the windows and I saw her shoulders sag and her head bow again. I sighed but I did not let it discourage me.

"It will take time and patience," I remembered the words the therapist spoke to me.

I nodded my head to myself.

"I will never leave her," I remembered the words I'd spoken so often to so many people for so many days.

Those words more than just the formation of speech on my tongue. Those words were a part of me. They were the rock on which I stood. The platform of my love for Jane. They were a truth I could neither deny nor escape. Those words were more than just words. They were a vow and a covenant. They were a promise written across my soul and they were everything to me. Whatever it took, no matter how long I would have to suffer, I would never leave her. I lowered myself to my knees again and took her hand in mine. She did not look at me. But I was not worried. I knew she felt my touch. I knew she felt my love. Within the great darkness she was wrestling with, I absolutely knew she felt my love. I ran my thumb over her knuckles softly. I kissed her fingers where her nails were missing but she jumped and pulled her hand away from me. She buried her hand under her arm pit and I heard her whimper. My heart broke. I had not meant to frighten her. I should not have touched her there, reminding her of how she got those wounds and her trauma. I cursed myself in my head. I gritted my teeth and fought back my tears. I closed my eyes tightly and took a deep breath.

"I'm so sorry baby girl. It's ok. Please don't be scared sweetheart. I love you, and you don't need to be frightened. You know I love you." I whispered up at her.

Jane's eyes slowly found mine. I saw all of her pain in that one moment. All of the joy from moments before at hearing her giggle was robbed from me as I gazed into her eyes. My heart sank in my chest. I reached for her face with an unsteady hand but pulled it back again, afraid of hurting her. I swallowed my tears. I lowered my eyes from hers. I could not look into the face of her agony. It tore at me, broke my heart into pieces, and I did not want to cry. I brushed my tears from my cheeks quickly before Jane could see them but the pain inside me was threatening to boil over.

"Excuse me for a moment," I whispered before rushing into the bathroom and closing the door behind me.

My tears came as soon as the door was closed. I walked to the toilet and sat down. I covered my face with my hands and sobbed so hard my face stung and my whole body shook in my grief. My chest heaved, my lungs burned and hot tears streamed down my face. I thought of all the happy times I'd spent with Jane. I thought of all the ways I loved her, of all the reasons I would always love her. I thought of her smile when I first saw the bike she bought me. I thought of how happy I had been as she ran beside me trying to teach me to balance. I felt like I was flying and dancing at the same time. I thought of Jane's goofy grin when she told a joke. I thought of the smell of her hair when she would fall asleep in my arms. I thought of how happy I was dancing in her arms. I thought of how stunning she was in her white suit and how proud she was when she stood next to me. I thought the mornings I woke beside her and the first thing I saw was her sleeping face. I thought of the way she used to hug me, so tightly, like she never wanted to let me go. I thought of her kisses on my lips, so soft and so sweet. I thought of the way she used to say my name and how my heart would melt each and every time. I wanted my life back, I wanted my Jane back, I wanted her to be happy, and love me, and let me hold her and touch her and all the things that made me feel like I was in heaven. But her pain was so much to bear. I would do all I could, I would never leave her...but my heart ached too. That man had hurt me too. I hated him... I hated him so much. I wanted my baby back...I wanted her back! I cried so hard I did not hear the door open. I did not see her standing there. I did not see the way she looked at me, the way her heart broke, the tears in her eyes. I did not notice her at all until I felt her hand in my hair. I jumped so hard I almost fell off the toilet. When my eyes found hers I cried out in panic. I brushed my tears from my face as fast as I could and forced myself to choke down my grief.

"Janie..." I exclaimed. "I'm sorry I...I thought I was alone!" I cried.

I rushed to the sink and pulled a towel from the rack. I winced when I saw my face in the mirror. My eyes were blood red and my face was tear-streaked and pathetic. I took great heaving breaths to control myself and covered my face with the towel. I felt my body shake as I held the towel over my face trying desperately with all my might to steady myself. I had to be strong. I had to face this. I could do this...I could be strong for Jane. I loved her...I loved her. I could be strong for her. I felt her hand on my shoulder and I lowered the towel from my face. She was watching me in the reflection in the mirror. Her eyes looked bright, almost innocent. She brushed my hair from my face with her fingers. She looked sad when she saw how pitiful I looked. I saw her face fall. I saw her chin quiver. I saw a tear roll from her eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Maura." Jane whispered.

She lowered her eyes from mine in the mirror. She stepped back from me and started wiping her hands on her shirt. Her face was scrunched up in disgust. Her eyes were wrinkled in misery. I heard her choke on her sobs and her breath was rapid and shallow. I spun around and reached for her but she stepped back unsteady in her grief.

"Don't touch me...I'm dirty. I'm so dirty. I can still feel him on me. In me. Touching me. "She cried.

My heart broke.

"You're not dirty sweetheart." I said, my voice cracking.

"I am...I am. I can't even touch my baby because I don't want him on her. I can feel him on me. All the time, every day...I can feel him on me. I can't get him off of me." Jane's breath was growing more and shallow.

She was shaking and wringing her hands and wiping them on her shirt obsessively.

"I have to leave; I have to get out of here. I can't stay. I can't be around you anymore. You're so pretty, and so sweet, and so good and I'm...I'm...I'm just filth," She cried.

"Stop that...Jane...stop that," I said.

I forgot all that the therapist said to me. I forgot to be gentle. I forgot to whisper. I forgot to be patient and tender. I ran to her. I wrapped her in my arms. I held her so tightly I could feel her heart beat against mine.

"You're mine Jane. You're not going anywhere. I'm not going to stop loving you; I'm not going to stop caring for you. You are not dirty baby...you're beautiful. You've always been beautiful. He can't take that from you, he can't take my love from you." I whispered in her ear.

"How can you love me? How can you love me now? I let him hurt me. I let him rape me. I tried to fight but I just couldn't get away in time… I'm so dirty...I'm so..."

Jane's voice trailed off as her tears took her again. My heart ached and I wanted to break again. But I would not give in this time. I would win this war. I would fight for her, I would fight for her love and for the love I would give her. She was my Jane, my princess, my love. She was everything to me. I gritted my teeth in my head. I leaned down and scooped her into my arms and carried her back to our bed. I cradled her in my arms as she cried and I rocked her back and forth. I shushed her softly and kissed her face many times. I would not let her go.

"I'm so sorry Maura," Jane cried and cried. "I'm so sorry...I'm so sorry...I'm so sorry,"

Jane's tears shook my body they were so strong and ferocious. But I held her still, I kissed her, I rocked her gently in my arms that were made only to love her.

"You have nothing to be sorry about sweetheart. Nothing. You did nothing wrong. You will always be my little princess...always." I said softly in her ear.

Jane looked up at me through her tears. I saw doubt all over her face, doubt and fear and self loathing.

"How can you still love me?" she asked me again softly.

I smiled down at her.

"Because you are my sunshine. You are the light in my life. You are what makes me smile, you are what makes me laugh, you are what makes me happy, you are what makes be believe in myself, in you, in love, in everything. For you I breathe, and it's you I love and I always will baby...I always will!" I whispered against her lips.

Jane looked incredulous.

"What?" She wailed.

I leaned in and kissed her lips. I kissed them softly. I kissed them like I'd always dreamed of kissing them since the moment I lay eyes on her. I kissed them like I was the desert and she was the rain. I kissed them like the bee kisses the flower. I kissed them like the moon kisses the night sky. I kissed them like a cool breeze kisses a face on a hot summer day. I kissed them like I loved her. She hesitated at first. Her body tensed in my arms. She squirmed and whined to be released from me. But I did not stop. I was not forceful. I was not overbearing. But I took her lips in mine and savored the taste of her, the softness of her. At long last I felt her body slowly relax in my arms. She kissed me timidly at first, uncertain of herself and of me. I slowly pulled away and looked at her. I did not want to push her too far. I leaned my forehead against hers and smiled at her lovingly. Jane looked at me with almost hopeful eyes. She looked dazed and her eye lids were low. I tickled her sides again and she giggled and squirmed in my lap.

"Sweetheart," I whispered softly.

Jane wrapped her fingers in my hair and looked deep into my eyes. Her gaze was searching, piercing, and cautious. I did not let my eyes fall from hers. I looked right back at her, with all my love as I rocked her gently in my lap. Jane wrapped her arm around my shoulder and we sat there silently looking into one another. I felt her fingers run through my hair. I saw her eyes soften. I felt her muscles relax. I closed my eyes and shuddered as her fingers ran through my hair. I loved the touch, I loved the feeling, and I loved the gentleness of the action however small. I'd been absent her touch for so long that this moment, with her in my arms, and her lips so close to mine was a feeling I could not describe. It was brilliant and wonderful. I cherished her and her sweet big brown eyes that looked at me so innocently, guilty of no crime but loving me more that I had ever known.

"Do you really still love me, Maura?" Jane whispered to me.

She lowered her eyes and looked uncertain of herself. Her voice was sad and doubtful. I kissed her cheek softly before I began to sing for her.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey, I only know dear, how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away."

I sang softly into her ear. I sang the song many times, over and over. I rocked her slowly and held her gently and kissed her face in between verses. By the third go around tears were streaming from her eyes. She leaned her head on my shoulder and closed her eyes. I cradled her face in my hand as I sang. Tears of my own fell into her soft dark locks. My lips trembled as I sang to her. By the last time I could barely sing above a whisper and when I finished my heart was exploding in my chest. Jane sat up in my lap and gazed at me lovingly. The very air around us was heavy with unspoken words and the heat between our bodies. Our faces inched closer and closer together. I could feel her warm sweet breath on my face. Just before our lips touched she whispered to me...

"...I love you too,"

And we kissed. It was beautiful, it was slow, it was tender, it was magic and miracles, heaven and earth, sunshine and rain, it was everything. I melted into her. She was mine, and I was hers, and we were one.

Jane

Maura was running around the kitchen in something very close to a panic. I sat in a chair at the dining room table watching her quietly. My body hurt everywhere and all my muscles were stiff from lying in bed like a corpse for a week. My ribs ached, my arm hung in its sling and throbbed every time I jostled or bumped it. My tongue hurt and so did my forehead from all the stitches. The space between my legs hurt too, but I tried not to think about why that was. It always made me cry and I didn't want Maura to see me cry anymore. I was trying to be brave. I would not mention my pain to her. I hated the way her face fell and her eyes burned with tears whenever I would cry or whimper in pain. The last week had been hell, worse than hell. But I would not think of that now. Maura was smiling, for the first time in a week, and it made me happy to see her this way. I would not rob her of her joy. I'd caused her enough pain. Over the last week all I'd done was sleep, and cry, and feel sorry for myself. I had not even the strength to notice how much Maura was hurting. All I'd cared about was myself, my grief and my agony. I slept because the only peace I found was in the land of dreams. But each time I would wake it felt like nightmares were going to unravel me even though I would find her there, ever present, ever tender, and ever kind. I kept thinking for the longest time that she would leave me, that she would not want me anymore, and that I was ugly, dirty and broken. But she did not leave. I don't even think she had slept in God knows how long. She looked unnaturally thin like she hadn't been eating and her face was gaunt and hollow. But she was still gorgeous, even now.

Ever since I'd agreed to eat something Maura's eyes had lit up like the stars and she was scrambling around the kitchen trying to find something that I could stomach and would like. I watched her staring inside the freezer scratching her head and mumbling to herself.

"I'm really not that hungry Maura," I said softly from my chair.

It was hard to speak. The stitches in my tongue hurt so I stayed quiet most of the time. But I felt bad for making Maura panic the way she was trying to find me food. Maura closed the freezer and turned around to look at me.

"You promised you'd eat, Jane." She reminded me firmly.

I sighed.

"I know," I said hanging my head.

I wanted to eat only to please Maura. I really wasn't that hungry, but she was insistent and I didn't want to upset her or hurt her anymore so I agreed. Maura thought hard for a few moments before a smile crossed her face.

"I know what you'd like!" She said excitedly.

"What's that?" I asked.

I winced when my stitches felt like they were tearing my tongue. I tried to hide it from Maura, but there was nothing that woman missed when it came to me. She was by my side in an instant.

"Does your tongue hurt sweetheart?" She asked me tenderly.

Her eyes were wide with concern and she touched my face gently. She was always gentle when she touched me; like she was afraid I'd break all over again. I hated that she felt like she had to treat me like a child, but inside I was comforted by her gentleness. Her touch was soft, careful and tender. Somehow it made me feel comfortable despite my pain.

"No," I lied.

Maura cocked her head and raised her eye brow at me. She knew I was lying. I don't even know why I bothered lying to her. She could sniff me out like a bloodhound. Her face was covered in that expression that brokered no argument and she lifted my chin carefully with her fingers and slipped an ice cube between my lips from the cup on the table. I was supposed to be feeding myself ice cubes, but my fingers hurt and I couldn't dig them out of the glass. But Maura seemed more than happy to do it herself. She brushed her thumb over my lips when I smiled up at her gratefully. The ice felt good on my tongue.

"Is that better?" She asked.

I nodded my head. I loved the smile she gave me. It made me feel warm. She leaned over and kissed the top of my head before returning to the freezer.

"I'll clip your stitches tomorrow sweetheart. Your tongue will still hurt for another week or so, but the stitches can come out so it will be easier for you," Maura said as she pulled several containers of ice cream from the freezer.

"You're letting me have ice cream for breakfast Maura?" I asked curiously as Maura scooped great heaps of ice cream into two bowls.

She looked up and smiled at me. I loved her smile.

"Something sweet for my sweet heart," She giggled. "Besides, ice cream will be good for your tongue and easy to swallow."

I grinned at her. She brought the bowls of ice cream to the table and set one in front of me. She sat next to me and smiled at me encouragingly. When I returned her smile I saw her heart melt. She rubbed my back gently as I tried to pick up the spoon with my injured fingers but I just couldn't seem to grasp it. I fumbled with it clumsily until I dropped it and it clattered to the floor. I cursed and hung my head shamefully angry that I couldn't even feed myself. I pushed the bowl away from me and turned my head from Maura. I hated being helpless and I hated her seeing me like this. I felt tears stinging my eyes but Maura was sweet, and kind. She turned my head back to her gently with her fingers. Her eyes were filled with love. She took her own spoon and scooped up some ice cream and held it up to my mouth. I started to protest but as I looked into Maura's bright shining eyes and the sweet smile on her face I could not bring myself to pout and hurt her. I swallowed my pride and opened my mouth. The ice cream was delicious, smooth and sweet. I sighed and closed my eyes and it melted on my tongue. It felt so good a chill ran down my spine. I felt Maura's kiss on my cheek and I opened my eyes to smile at her again. The smell of her perfume made me think of nice things, of the happy dreams I had where all the memories of our love danced for me in my head. She tried to feed me another scoop but I pulled away.

"You have to eat too," I said honestly.

She looked like she'd lost ten pounds in a week and it disturbed me to know her worry for me was the cause of that. I smiled as she ate the scoop herself. I looked around the kitchen and frowned slightly. It was so quiet in the apartment, almost dreary. It felt odd and empty like so many things were missing.

"Where's...where's Angela? And my puppy?" I asked softly.

I lowered my eyes again. I missed my child. I missed her face and her giggles and her laugh. I missed her in my arms and the feel of her hair on my cheek. But in my darkest hours I could not bring myself to hold her. My skin crawled at the thought of how that man hurt me. I felt tainted, gross, filthy and dirty. Like I was an infectious disease that would spread if other's touched me, and I didn't want to stain the innocence of my little girl. I still felt him on me, even now as I sat with Maura. But I loved Maura more than the pain in my heart and my soul. Her touch was soft, and her touch was gentle and her kisses made me feel real again. Like I was worthy of more than just my pain. She made me feel worthy of her, even now after than man had...

I missed Angela now; I just wanted to hold her. Maura still loved me, she had touched me and she was still beautiful. Perhaps my child in my arms would make me happy again and I would not feel him on me anymore.

"My mother and Consuela took Franklin Thomas to day care and Angela to breakfast earlier. I wanted to be alone with you for a while," Maura said almost sadly.

"Oh, it's ok." I said offhandedly.

I lowered my eyes but I did not cry. I would not let Maura see me cry. Still, I missed my baby. I heard Maura sigh and felt her hand on my knee squeezing lightly.

"Honey," Maura said as she shoveled more ice cream in my mouth. "Addison has a friend at her practice, a therapist named Violet. I was thinking we could go see her together and talk about some things." She said in a somewhat tense tone of voice.

I looked at her inquisitively.

"You don't believe in therapy," I pointed out.

Maura seemed nervous all of a sudden.

"I didn't but...she could help us I think. She could help you deal with your pain," Maura said.

I hung my head. I didn't like talking to strangers. I didn't like that Maura thought I was so fucked up I needed to talk to a stranger about it. I didn't even want to leave the apartment. I was safe here with Maura. She made sure of that. But outside the world was dark and cruel and there were people out there that would hurt me. I didn't want to hurt anymore. Maura sensed my anxiety. I felt her hand on the small of my back.

"Baby I'll be right there with you. I won't push you and you don't have to talk about anything that makes you uncomfortable. I can even have her come to the apartment if you would like that better. But I need this as much as you; we will do this together like partners." Maura tried to encourage me.

I sighed.

"But I have you to talk to. You help me with everything." I said earnestly.

Maura looked sad for some reason.

"I do all I can for you princess." Maura said softly.

There was a certain pain in her expression. She looked at me steadily, but her eyes were heavy and full of sadness. Her jaw worked as she tried to find the words to say. Her eyes became shiny with tears. She reached for my hand but pulled back quickly like she'd touched something hot. She seemed uncertain of herself and what to say or do. But I saw her determination. She took a deep breath and continued her speech.

"I promised you Janie that I would always love you and that I would always do everything I could to make you happy. I meant that...I still mean that...it will always be true. I thought that I could do it all myself, that I had everything you need, that I was enough for you." Maura closed her eyes and shook her head. I saw her lips quiver and a tear rolled down her cheek. When she finally opened her eyes to look at me again I'd never seen her look more sincere or more open.

"I was wrong princess. I'm not enough. I was proud before, and I was foolish and I was selfish. But I can see clearly now. My love for you is not about me, it's about our entire family...I need help in helping you. I can't do it by myself. I need help in helping myself so I can be better for you. I made so many mistakes with you sweet heart and...I'm going to do better by you now. I want to be better for you! Will you do this with me, Jane?" Maura pleaded with me.

Her eyes were earnest and sincere. I knew that Maura was not perfect, but she was perfect to me. In my eyes, she was everything. She never left me; she never looked at me like I was disgusting or worthless even after that man had... She was never impatient in my darkest hour, she never hurt me, and she never looked at me as anything but beautiful. She loved me even when I did not love myself...even now, I could not stand the site of myself in a mirror. But as I gazed in Maura's eyes, I wished I could see myself the way she saw me. I didn't speak for a long while. Maura fidgeted nervously next to me until I leaned over and kissed her softly on her lips. I felt her tense in shock before she sighed and opened her mouth for me. I tasted the salt of her tears that streamed from her eyes as I kissed her. Our kiss was sloppy and awkward because my tongue hurt so badly but Maura was careful and she did not push. Maura touched her lips when I pulled away from the kiss. Her eyes were closed and she was breathing heavily. She looked unsteady like she would fall if she were not already sitting. I tried to lean in and kiss her cheek but my ribs screamed in pain and I bit my lip against the cry that escaped my mouth. Maura's eyes were open in an instant when she heard my whimper and sixty seconds later I had an ice pack wrapped around my ribs with an ace bandage and a Dilauded pain pill in my stomach. Maura sat next to me again with wide worried eyes, but I stilled her with a smile.

"I don't blame you for what happened to me," I said softly. "It was entirely my fault..." I started but I felt Maura's finger on my lips halting my speech.

"It was NOT your fault." She said, her eyes were on fire. "The man that...he will be punished Jane. I swear that to you...I swear it on the power of my name, I swear it on my love for you, I swear it on my life...he will be punished!" Maura's face was stone and ice.

She was giving off such an air of fury I was momentarily uncomfortable in her presence. I became extremely nervous and shied away from her. It wasn't that I didn't want that fuckwad to suffer it was just Maura's fury... her aggression always terrified me beyond reason. I turned my head from her and shivered considerably but I felt her hand on chin. She turned me to look at her again and all her anger was gone. She actually looked extremely ashamed.

"I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable sweetheart. My anger sometimes it just..." Maura hung her head. She looked so sad.

"I really need this therapy Jane will you please do this with me?" She asked me again, begged me actually.

I sighed. I could deny her nothing. I nodded my head slightly. Maura's face was beaming.

Maura talked of many things as we ate our ice cream. I talked very little. I preferred the sound of her voice over my own. Maura chatted away incessantly filling the silence of the apartment with excitement and love again. She leaned in and kissed me many times in between bites of ice cream. It was almost as if she couldn't control the action, like her lips were drawn to my face or my neck or my ear or my lips. I did not stop her. The smile she gave me each time her lips touched mine made the pain lessen just a little bit more. Maura asked after my comfort constantly. I would assure her I was not in pain; even though I was a little bit, but the drugs were swift and the ice against my ribs was soothing and her kisses...they were everything. Even so Maura's eyes were never far from my face watching closely for any signs that I needed something. When my tongue hurt suddenly her fingers were at my mouth with an ice cube. If my back ached her hands were on me smoothing out the knots. If my broken arm hurt she was adjusting my sling and massaging the muscles in my hand and somehow it always felt better. Her eyes could not have been more loving as she catered to me. Her smile could not have been more bright. Her words could not have been more tender. And when I smiled back at her...tears rolled from her eyes.

When we were finished eating we sat on the couch. Maura sat behind me and I lay against her wrapped in her arms. A movie was playing on the TV but neither of us were watching. It was a silly comedy Maura hated, but for some reason she seemed averse to watching the news like she usually did. I didn't argue or care. I was absorbing Maura's kisses on my cheeks and the warmth of her body against mine.

"I spoke to James yesterday sweetheart," Maura whispered in my ear.

"Yeah...about what?" I asked.

"He's staying at our home in Boston while he works on getting custody of Tommy. He says we could have him in a matter of weeks. The courts are pushing the case through quickly and as soon as the paper work is all sorted out we can pick him up," Maura said excitedly.

I smiled.

"Really?" I asked, only half believing it could be true.

"Yes ma'am,"

"But I thought James said it would take months and we'd have to go to court and do home inspections and stuff?"

"Well, all those particulars have been dropped in this case. James and my mother are working hard for you sweetheart...for us and our family."

"So he's coming to live here?"

"Actually, I was thinking this place is a little small for all of us and Consuela. I was thinking we'd all be more comfortable in a house."

"A house?" I asked curiously.

"Yes baby. Tommy is a growing boy. He needs a yard and space to play and so does Angela and the dog for that matter." Maura said kissing my cheek again.

"Maura I can't afford a..."

"...When you're better we will look for one. Anyone you want, it's yours." Maura cut me off.

"Maura..." I started to protest but Maura cut me off again.

She wrapped her arms around me and pulled me into her. I felt her lips at my ear and a shiver went down my spine.

"Janie, what I have is yours and vice versa. Money is not to be discussed anymore. Your name will be on whatever I have at some point. I don't keep score Jane. But please know that you've given me two children and more love than I ever dreamed of having in my life. I'm going to give you a house that we will make into a home together but I want something in return," She whispered in my ear.

"What's that?" I asked timidly.

"I want to adopt Angela and Tommy legally. I want to protect my children and make sure they have the best of everything, are the heirs of my family's trusts', and have all the opportunities that my name will give them. And I want that for you too sweetheart."

"Maura, Tommy and Angela are as much yours as mine now. Besides, you have to marry me to adopt them legally," I said offhandedly.

Maura was quiet for a few moments. Then she turned my head so I was looking into her eyes. There was something burning there in her eyes, some spark I'd never seen before. She cradled my face in her hands, she was just about to speak when the elevator door dinged and the sound of barking, Angela squealing, and angry voices exploded into the house.