Chapter 14

Wednesday 29th May

'Yesterday is dead and gone, And tomorrow's out of sight

And it's sad to be alone, Help me make it through the night

I don't care what's right or wrong, I won't try to understand

Let the devil take tomorrow, 'Cause tonight I need a friend.'

"Harry?"

"Nikki is that you?"

"Harry," she stuttered, the word a sweet release after the long silence.

"Where are you Nikki? Are you safe? Are you home? Nikki are you crying?"

"Ha…Ha…Harry." she wailed.

There was obviously something terribly wrong, Harry knew it, he could feel it, but the fact that Nikki was still somewhere she could call him, even if she wasn't in a position to actually talk to him meant that the most terrible scenario he had imagined hadn't happened.

"Ok, Nikki, I'm going to take this really gently and you just sniff or do whatever you can. I'll ask the questions and if you can, you let me know. Alright?"

"Ha…Ha…Ha…rry!" she choked

"Are you in England?"

"Hmm."

"Is that yes?"

"Yes. Oh Harry…"

"You're ok?"

"Yes… NOOOO!"

"Is it Leo?"

"Harry!"

"Nikki? What happened. Is he hurt?"

She didn't reply but her sobs got louder.

"He's not coming back is he?"

"NO!" she cried. "Oh Harry? What am I going to do?"

Harry felt angry and sick and desperate all at once. Why was he so far away?

"What happened Nikki?" he asked the words burning his throat.

"He looked at me. He knew. He knew. He did it for us but he was so calm. He's gone Harry. He's gone and I can't say goodbye. I can't say goodbye and for once I really want to."

"Nikki, I don't understand. Talk to me." Harry begged.

"Harry we should never have gone. What were we thinking? We shouldn't have been there."

"Leo, Nikki. What happened to Leo?" For once the 'I told you so,' never even entered Harry's head.

"The water project opened. There was so much opposition; everyone was fighting against each other."

"Nikki…. LEO!"

"Suicide bomber!" The choking breaths started again after her short bursts of clarity. "Would all be dead…Leo knew…led him away from us…kept him away…. Harry…"

Harry had nothing to say.

"I sat on a plane with a body bag Harry. But there was no body. There was…there was just… there was…"

"Shh, Nikki. I know."

"How can I say goodbye?"

"Nikki."

"I can't do this, I can't."

"You can Nikki, you can do this. Nikki he's gone, he went in that instant. You said he saw you. You said he looked calm. You said he knew what was about to happen Nikki and he died saving you and all the others. He died looking at you and he would have seen you. He would have seen how much you love him. He knew how much you loved him. How we all loved him. You did say goodbye, we used to talk all the time Nikki without saying a word, didn't we? You always knew what I was saying when I didn't say anything at all. Leo was the same. He knew Nikki. He knew what you were saying in that instant. You have to believe me, he knew, I know he knew how much you loved him. I know it doesn't feel good enough for you, but he would have known."

Nikki's sobs just got louder.

"Even if there was a body Nikki, it wouldn't be Leo. You and I know that better than anyone, they aren't the people any more. They're not the ones we love. They might look a bit like them but they're already gone.

He heard some more sniffs, but nothing more.

"Are you on your own?"

"I'm… I'm… in a taxi…on my way home."

"Don't go home Nikki. Go to a friend's; go to my Mum's. Don't be on your own Nikki. Please. I'll call Mum or whoever, I'll let her know you're coming."

"Thanks Harry."

"Tell the driver now," Harry ordered.

He heard Nikki give the driver his mother's address.

"Thanks Nikki, I'll talk to Mum. I'm so sorry Nikki. I am really sorry. I'll talk to Mum and call you straight back. OK?"

"Harry," she mumbled.

"I'll call you back." Harry insisted. Before he even had a moment to think he called his mother and warned her of Nikki's arrival and the circumstances or the little he knew and then called Nikki again. They hardly spoke, Harry repeating how sorry he was, Nikki giving occasional updates as to their location in between sobs. Harry didn't feel the need to clutter the silence with platitudes. How could he tell her that everything would work out? That it would be ok, that she would get through this. None of them were true, and they only half worked when he had her head tucked under his chin and her body held tightly against his. So instead he apologised over and over again until he was unsure of what he was apologising for and said her name and told her how brave she was. She disconnected at his mother's house to pay the taxi driver. But she hadn't said goodbye. She hadn't really said much at all.

Harry put the phone back on the table and went to stand up. Suddenly he felt his legs give way. He grabbed hold of the bed as he fell, buried his face in the duvet and wept but whether from relief or pain he didn't know and he didn't care.


Help Me Make It Through The Night: Kristofferson (Elvis)