A/N: I'd like to thank my beta MJ726. Like always you are amazing and the only reason I'm still writing this story. I'd like to thank the lovely people still reading this story, I appreciate all your support and reviews. We haven't got much more to go but as I said last chapter the heavy darkness is behind us. I hope you enjoy the chapter and please review. With all that being said...here we go.
Maura
Jane was fumbling with the locket around her neck that my mother gave her of our family's crest. Her fingers were still clumsy and awkward from her ordeal and she kept her hands covered in thick leather gloves. I sat next to her as close as I could without bumping her arm in the cast. Jane was healing nicely; at least her physical wounds were healing. Jane's internal wounds were a different thing entirely. I rubbed my hand over her back and smiled at her. She was beautiful today, she was beautiful every day. She was covered up in a long sleeve shirt and a hoodie and her gloves, but she was still beautiful to me. Her face's bruises were nearly gone, her stitches long removed, her ribs and arm no longer caused her so much pain and her smiles came easier if still not a bit strained at times. Jane's eyes were not so hollow and there was more color in her cheeks every day. She did not speak as much as she used too and usually only spoke if spoken to first. But she did not hide as much, or sleep the day away, and she jumped less often when something startled her. I was proud of Jane for every step she took in healing, however slow those steps came. I did not begrudge her the thick heavy clothing, I did not resent her only touching me with gloved hands, and I did not become angry when Jane slept in jeans and a long sleeve shirt. It hurt me to see her wrapped up as she was. It hurt that she didn't trust me, that my touch scared her sometimes, that when I said I love you she would often look sad. But as much as it hurt me inside I would never stop saying it, and I would never stop believe it. I considered each moment with Jane precious, and each smile on her face was beautiful, and she above all others was precious to me. When she wrapped herself in my arms in our bed at night and fell asleep in my embrace, my tears would dot my pillow. But they were not tears of sadness, they were not tears of pain, they were not tears of despair or longing, they were tears of joy and the deepest love I'd ever felt.
Jane's progress was slow but steady. It had been two long weeks since she returned to the world from her catatonic state and each day with her was brighter than the last. I spent very little time away from her and only left the apartment when absolutely necessary. Each moment away from her was similar to breathing underwater, impossible and terrifying. I worried for her constantly. I protected her from everything, the media, the outside world, and even herself. I wrapped her and myself in the insulation of my power and will to keep her safe. Not even a fly could penetrate the walls I built around her and my family. I dared anyone to stand against me, and God forbid, I dared anyone to touch Jane again even in their dreams. Every time I looked at her it was with an eye of caution, of observation, of intolerance of all evil that might rise against her. I allowed -only women to enter the apartment at any given time and if I was forced to be away from Jane I thought only of her smile and I would always return with her favorite ice cream or a cheeseburger or her favorite candy and Jane would run to me smiling and I would wrap her in my arms. That was my job now, to see her smiling, and it was the most important task I'd ever undertaken. Jane ate little, but she'd always try and eat what I brought back for her and giggled between every bite. I would watch her eat at her place at our table; my eyes would feel heavy, distant and misty with tears. I loved seeing her in her place by my side. I'd missed her there so much. I would pick at my food and watch Jane play with Angela in her high chair, smile at the messes they made and the giggles and sparkles in Angela's eyes. My daughter had been so much happier since Jane came back to us from her dreams. Angela smiled now all the time and hated being away from her mother. Franklin Thomas seemed invigorated by Jane's recovery and returned to his old habits of causing chaos, much to Consuela's dismay. Between Angela and the puppy there wasn't much in the apartment that hadn't been christened by their havoc but I enjoyed the return to normalcy, even as hectic and chaotic the house was at times.
I pulled Jane into my body and kissed the top of her head. She smiled at me when I released her. It was actually a sheepish grin, her cheeks flushed and she clutched the locket around her neck tightly with her gloved hand. I pretended not to notice the gloves again. All that mattered was the bursting love in my heart and the beautiful smile on Jane's face. What mattered most was the step Jane agreed to take today and the pride I felt in my soul for her bravery. I'd worked tirelessly to help Jane get to this place. I'd worked as hard as I could; I did everything the therapist told me to do, even though that woman infuriated me beyond reason sometimes. I was patient and loving and understanding and kind. I was everything love was supposed to be and even though my every second was spent in service of Jane, even though my every breath was not absent the thought of her, I did not feel tired or bored or spiteful. I felt light and happy, needed and wanted and most of all...I felt loved too. Every day I saw Jane's eyes open wider and the recognition of how much she loved me and I loved her, was more and more evident in the gazes she gave me. They were not lustful looks; they were not dirty or clouded with some untold longing. Her eyes had never looked so innocent or so sweet and when she looked at me that way my heart would soar and race and I would kiss her and she would kiss me and it was heavenly.
"Jane this was a wonderful session today. You're doing remarkably well. I'll see you for our session Saturday at the bed and breakfast but do you mind if I speak to Maura alone for a little while before you guys leave?" Violet asked Jane softly.
Jane still didn't like loud noises, and soft words reached her easier than raised voices or quick commands. Violet was always professional in this regard and Jane responded to her easily. I was thankful for that, because where I fell short with Jane, Violet was always there. I could not have been happier for the support, even if Violet was far less placid with me than she was with Jane.
Jane looked at me curiously before she answered. I gave her an easy smile and a kiss on her forehead to calm her. Jane lowered her eyes and blushed again. She pecked me on the cheek and scampered from the room with Franklin Thomas, her ever faithful companion, on her heels. I watched her go and sighed when she disappeared into the bedroom. Violet and I didn't speak for a few moments. My mind was on thoughts of Jane, the ring in my safe, all the plans I had for the long weekend and the life I wanted with the woman I loved more than I had ever loved anyone in my entire life. Finally Violet broke my reverie.
"Jane has come a long way since I first met with her two weeks ago," Violet said pointedly.
I nodded my head in response. Violet was a small slight woman with a tangle of dark curls on her head and bright dark eyes. She was Addison's longtime friend and partner. I respected the woman for what she was and what she'd accomplished with Jane. Still, sometimes the conversations between us were less than pleasant and I was in no mood to be pushed or frustrated on a day like today. I let my eyes wander to the sunshine outside the windows and smiled. I couldn't wait to finally get Jane out of the apartment and back out into the sunshine that made her eyes sparkle and her skin glow. I couldn't wait to see her smile in the beauty of the outside world and prayed with all that was in me that this trip would be everything I hope, planned and dreamed. I understood that I failed Jane in some things before, but the only desire in my heart on any given day since Jane's...incident...was her happiness and the expression of my love for her.
"Jane has given me authorization to discuss our private sessions with you. That's rare for a person who's been raped to show that level of trust with her therapist and her lover," Violet said.
I flinched when Violet said the word raped. I didn't like that word. I didn't care to hear it and I certainly didn't want to hear it in reference to Jane. I didn't want to think about what happened to her, it made me sick and livid. I don't think I'll ever get over the feeling of loathsome rage in my heart for the man that had hurt her. Every day I tried my hardest to erase the memory from Jane's mind, but in the darkness of night when Jane was sleeping soundly in my arms, my mind always wandered to that man. His face was emblazoned in my mind and every time I thought of him I would shake with wrath and fury. I would look at Jane's face and my heart would nearly stop in my chest. I would see his face over hers, I would see his stain on her skin, I would smell him somehow and I would hate him more and more, second by second, minute by minute. I could see as clear as day the way she fought for her life, for her sanctity, for her womanhood, for everything. I would study her scars and wounds. I knew how much he had hurt her, how scared she must have been, how much she must have cried and I would die inside. But her face was so beautiful as she slept, her hair smelled of heaven and dreams, her eye lids would flutter and I knew she was dreaming good dreams. I would touch her then, I would run my fingers lightly along her jaw and kiss her with quivering lips and curse myself for thinking of him when I was truly so happy with her. I would always be happy with her. I loved her most while she slept. That was when I was free to dream and look at her with all the love I felt for her and not be afraid of seeing the pain in her eyes or the hesitation in her movements or the doubt in her expression. While she slept, I was free to imagine her in white, as my bride, with a flower in her hair, a glimmer in her eyes and a ring on her finger. I would see to it that she understood that I loved her eternally, until the last light flickered from the sun, until the last flower faded from the earth, until the last 'I love you' was ever given breath, I would love her until then...and on...and on...forever...I would love her. I'd given all my love to Jane, but all my hate and all my anger was for that one man and I could not escape the shadow of my fury. The very thought of him repulsed me, his face in my mind an ever present reminder of my need for fortitude and strength. I was never absent the thought of my promises to him and the suffering I would insure that he faced for the rest of his life. The thought of his tears brought me even more peace than Jane's smile. Vengeance drove me as much as love. The heat of my desire for Jane tempered with my towering ire for that man and I knew my mind would never know peace except in her arms. I reached for Angela's stuffed animal on the coffee table and started trying to sew its ear back on again. I did not like to look anyone in the eye when my fury was on me. Not Violet and especially not Jane. I gritted my teeth and focused on my work and tried desperately to clear my mind of the hatred.
"Does it make you angry when I speak of Jane's rape?" Violet asked.
I sighed and kept my eyes on the elephant.
"Violet, today is a wonderful day. Jane's going outside for the first time since...her ordeal. She's happier, she smiles, and even my mother is in love with her. I think that woman loves Jane and Angela more than she loves me," I chuckled to myself.
I smiled when I thought of my mother. The woman came over every day to spend time with Jane and Angela. In Constance's eyes Jane could do no wrong and my messy daughter was an angel. I, however, still fell short of perfect but at least her tone no longer cut me and her words were not harsh anymore. Sometimes, she even reserved a smile for me when she watched me hold my daughter, if I managed to pry Angela from her arms when she came to visit.
"You have not answered my question," Violet said.
I rolled my eyes but kept on trying to sew the ear. I was a wonderful seamstress but every time I sewed the ear back on the elephant my rambunctious child and my villainous puppy would always find a way to tear it off again. I think it had become something of a game to them. I looked at Violet over the rim of my glasses. I knew my eyes were not kind and my lips were pursed in disapproval and frustration. I did not speak immediately. I did not want to lash out again. Every time Violet tried to push me to speak of the rape I eventually lashed out, but I was determined to make this time different. I would not let my beautiful day be ruined with thoughts of that awful man or let Violet infuriate me again. As I thought those things, I poked myself with the sewing needle and cursed angrily under my breath.
"Not today Violet," I said with forced calm.
"What do you mean, 'not today'?" Violet asked.
"I don't want to talk about what happened to Jane today, ok?" I said to Violet in a sharp tone of voice.
"It's hard for you to say the word isn't it?"
Violet cocked her head as she studied me. Her expression was void of any emotion, but her words felt like they were prodding at my nerves. I took several deep breaths.
"Jane is doing well. She's smiling and she laughs sometimes and she plays with Angela..."
"...Why do you think she wears the gloves and the long sleeve shirts?" Violet interrupted.
I grit my teeth.
"Aren't you supposed to listen to me talk and not interrupt me?" I spat.
"I know the progress Jane has made. I also know that you avoid talking about the things that upset and bother you. Why is that Maura?"
"I'm not upset or bothered. I love Jane."
"I'm aware that you love her, it's evident in everything that you do. I'm concerned however that you may be so engrossed in caring for Jane and your family that you are neglecting your own feelings and refusing to deal with them," Violet said.
I rolled my eyes again.
"Violet," I said with forced patience. "Jane is my only concern, my only priority. My only desire is to make her happy and see her through this..."
"...What is 'this'?" Violet interrupted me again.
"Violet you know what 'this' is!" I snapped furiously at her.
I was very quickly getting angry and I hated it. I hated that this woman could so easily get under my skin. I hated that I had to spend time talking about things I had no desire to even think about, let alone speak. I hated that Violet always pushed me to talk about all the stuff that made me angry. Why was the woman always so insolent with me? She was never that way with Jane.
"I want to hear you say it. In all the times we've spoken over the last three weeks, even while Jane was catatonic you've never said the word. Tell me what 'this' is. Put a name on 'it'" Violet pushed me again.
"Violet stop, please."
"...Say it Maura. At some point give her the dignity of saying what was done to her so she knows you are in this with her and not just denying what happened."
"...VIOLET stop!"
"...Admitting what happened is accepting what happened and you haven't done that yet..."
"...I will not EVER accept what happened to Jane...NEVER! It is not acceptable to me and I'll not speak of it in my house or ever. I'm going to make this go away and I'm going to make Jane happy again. Jane is mine, I love her and I will see her through this. I'll be everything she needs. I'll never let her down again...I'll never let her hurt again...I'll never give her a reason to doubt me or my love for her. I won't rest until she forgets this ever happened and all she needs and sees is me and our babies. I'm going to make this go away." My words started out heated and angry but by the end I could barely speak above a whisper.
I felt tears burning my eyes but I blinked them away furiously. I did not want to cry. I was happy today, Jane was happy today. She kissed me this morning and smiled at me and played with our daughter and woke up in my arms and it was bliss. I loved her. She made me feel everything I never knew existed. I didn't want that to go away. I wanted to think of Jane's smile and sunshine, not the darkness or the pain. I wanted to win this war, I would win, and Jane was mine. Violet watched me as I picked at the stitches on the elephant's ear. My jaw was closed tightly and my face was flushed with anger, but I would not give Violet the satisfaction of breaking down. I would be strong for Jane. I could be everything for Jane. I'd found a strength in me I didn't know existed and I channeled it all in service of Jane. I clutched the elephant to my chest and sighed heavily.
"Jane was raped, Maura. She was raped and brutalized and beaten." Violet said.
I hung my head. I buried my face in the stuffed animal. I let my tears fall in the elephant so Violet could not see me. I kept my cries soft. I did not want Jane to hear me or see my tears. I didn't want to see the pain in her eyes. I loved her, God I loved her so much. Thinking of what happened to her...
I wiped my tears quickly. I took deep breaths and eyed Violet levelly.
"Please Violet, not today." I said softly. "Just not today."
I knew my eyes conveyed all the sincerity in my heart. I just could not do this today. Violet sighed but slowly nodded her head.
"Let's talk of something else shall we?" Violet asked lightly.
I breathed a sigh of relief.
"Yes," I said.
"Jane said you were going to ask her something the day she first woke up. What were you going to ask her?"
I perked up immediately. Jane and I hadn't discussed my near proposal since it was so unceremoniously interrupted by the family returning home. Both Consuela and my mother attacked Jane with hugs and kisses and endless attention when they first saw Jane out of bed. I hadn't been able to get Jane alone the rest of the day. Since then, it seemed alone time with Jane was hard to come by between Consuela and my mother's constant doting on her and for some reason I got the impression Jane was avoiding the subject all together. I didn't push. I never pushed with Jane. But I'd been far from silent on the subject in my actions. When I told my mother my intentions to make Jane my wife I was practically hustled from the apartment to the jeweler and a quarter of a million dollars later all I thought about was how to ask Jane to be my lawfully wedded. But I was nervous, I'd never been so nervous about anything in my life and it was very nearly driving me insane. But to hear that Jane had opened up to Violet instead of me hurt me a little.
"What did Jane say?" I asked.
I lowered my eyes and started fumbling with the stuffed elephant again.
"She thinks you want to marry her," Violet said bluntly.
I accidentally poked myself with the needle again and swore angrily as I sucked my thumb.
"She said that?" I asked incredulously.
"Is that true?" Violet asked simply.
It was a while before I spoke. It dawned on me that Jane knew exactly what I was going to ask her before we were interrupted, but it didn't make me feel any better. Why then had she not spoken to me of it again? Did she not want to be my wife? Did she not trust me? Was I not good enough for her? I rubbed my forehead with an unsteady hand.
"Yes," I sighed. "I want to make her my wife and I want to be hers, but she's avoiding the subject. Why won't she talk to me about it instead of you?"
"Actually I got the impression from Jane that you've been avoiding the subject with her since you first brought it up,"
"She's the one that's been avoiding it, and everything else important for that matter." I spat at Violet rather rudely.
I had to grip the stuffed elephant rather tightly to calm myself again. My nerves were frazzled from stress and Violet's conversation was growing increasingly more irritating.
"Does that frustrate you, that Jane avoids things?"
I rolled my eyes.
"I love Jane..."
"...You've said as much already. I'm asking if it frustrates you that Jane is avoiding things." Violet interrupted.
I sat back in my chair and rubbed my forehead wearily.
"No...Maybe...yes..." I sighed.
Violet only nodded her head.
"Do you feel that you are also avoiding some things?"
"I'm dealing with everything right now. Jane...well you've seen her with the long sleeves and gloves and long pants all the time...even in bed. She barely holds Angela and when she does it's only for a few minutes at a time and then she immediately gives her a bath and then she takes a shower again. She hides in the bedroom whenever the elevator door opens, and she won't go outside. She hardly eats, she doesn't talk much and when she does it's always about inconsequential matters. She's scared of her own shadow half the time. I am not avoiding anything. Everything falls on me right now while Jane runs around like a mummy!" I blurted out.
Then I lowered my head shamefully. I couldn't believe I just said that. I couldn't believe such horrible things could come out of my mouth about the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I despised myself for saying such things of her. I wasn't angry with Jane and I understood that she was hurting and doing her best to deal with everything that happened to her. But my frustrations were boiling over and my hurt that Jane wouldn't open up to me the way I wanted her to made me incredibly sad.
"It's good to hear you voice your frustrations for once. It doesn't do you or Jane any good to keep them bottled inside. Doing that only makes the frustration build and increases the likelihood of lashing out angrily and that could be devastating to her,"
"I'd never lash out at Jane...ever." I said my voice cold with contempt.
Violet nodded her head at me and we didn't speak for a while.
"Your frustrations at Jane's loss of identity and sexuality are very understandable. It's often difficult for the loved ones of victims of sexual assault to quell their own sexual desires in lieu of what happened to..."
"...I've no interest in sleeping with her right now. I'm not a sex- crazed maniac. I'd never take what Jane didn't give me willingly." I glared at Violet. "But what's with the gloves and the showering and the long sleeves all the time?" I sighed.
"Jane might feel dirty. She might feel that covering up is the only way to make herself less sexually appealing and in a sense protects her and those around her from the filth she feels inside..."
"...Jane is beautiful to me Violet...she's always been beautiful to me. Every time I look at her she takes my breath away." I said desperately.
Violet cocked her head and gave me a rare smile.
"I believe that you love her unconditionally. I think Jane is starting to realize that now too, but it's difficult for someone who's been raped to grasp unconditional love. Despite your qualms about Jane's attire, the showering, no matter how frustrated you might be, you can take comfort in the fact that you are the only person Jane lets truly touch her without flinching or looking uncomfortable. She smiles at you every time you walk into a room, and she even kisses you. That's remarkable for someone who is a very recent rape survivor. I know the long sleeves, the gloves and the obsessive showering are difficult responses to see her go through, but it's common with rape victims. Jane is struggling with issues of self-worth, feelings of dirtiness and disgust with herself. Her slight conversation might seem offhand and mindless at times, but the fact that she communicates with you at all is truly amazing. I will say though Maura, it's up to you to find the right time to bring up marriage with her again. She's not going to do that herself, as I said before she's still dealing with issues of self- worth and sometimes it might be hard for her to believe someone truly loves her as much as you do. This is especially hard for her now that she's been raped. I suggest you continue to re-establish and further a reciprocating trust and a loving bond between you and Jane, prior to initiating the talk of marriage. Open up to her. Tell her the things that make you afraid. Tell her things that upset or hurt you. Remind Jane that you are only human. Since she woke up Maura you've been like a robot keeping everything together for everyone. Let Jane see you as normal, vulnerable, imperfect and it will be easier for her to relate to you again. Most importantly though, don't rush anything. Remember Maura, you two have plenty of time and are very committed to one another. You are very devoted to Jane's recovery. This weekend getaway at the bed and breakfast is a great way to pull Jane from her shell, and a great way for you to loosen up and not feel you have to be perfect for a change. I commend you for thinking of that..."
"...I bought the house." I cut in.
Violet was silent for a few moments like she didn't understand what I just said.
"I'm sorry you..."
"...I bought the house for Jane and our family. It used to be a bed and breakfast but it won't book anymore guests since I bought it."
Violet was stunned. I could tell by the look on her face.
"Does Jane know that?"
"No. I told her it was a bed and breakfast which wasn't a lie. I will tell her in due time. Jane told me she used to love going out in the country on family vacations and playing outside and fishing. That's why I thought this place would be perfect for her. It's a small farm, eleven acres about an hour outside the city. James tells me my son Tommy loves horses and the farm is perfect for riding. I want Jane to be happy and I think she could be happy there, outside the city without the noise and the lights. She seems to love quiet things these days and...I'll give her everything I can." I said honestly.
"That's incredibly sweet of you Maura." Violet smiled.
I looked up at her hopefully.
"Do you think this is a good idea?" I asked earnestly." Do you think I'm overstepping my boundaries?"
I don't know why I was suddenly so desperate for validation, but I just needed to hear that I was doing the right thing. I needed to believe that this was something that would make Jane happy and I was on the right path. Violet's smile widened.
"I believe you and Jane have experienced more in your relationship than many people who've been married half of their lives. I believe you know what makes Jane happy and you've sacrificed and given everything in care of her. What would a man or woman not do for the one they love most in the world? Don't second guess yourself. You need to be confident because Jane will be able to pick up on your hesitation and she could take that as you being hesitant about her. On your trip, consider not telling her about buying the house until you get a feel for her mental state. Focus this time on you two opening up to each other. Maura have lots of conversations, push her to talk about things she's been avoiding, you do the same and afterwards make your intentions known. Pay attention if she panics or seems hesitant. Always be patient and remember she loves you." Violet said.
I closed my eyes and shook my head.
"I hope you're right. She's just so... It's hard to read her." I admitted.
"Try not to overthink it too much. I know you're under a lot of pressure to hold your family together, run your businesses, protect Jane from everything going on back in Boston, figuring out what you want to do with your ME position in Boston, gaining custody of Tommy, but try really hard to let go sometimes and have fun with Jane. You need to find a positive outlet for your frustrations and responsibilities; this trip is a perfect opportunity for you two to grow together. You need Jane as much as she needs you. Do you realize you only smile when she's around or you're thinking of her?"
I smiled then. "I'm always thinking of her,"
Violet studied me with understanding showing in her eyes.
"I'm rooting for you two," Violet said.
I felt tears wanting to form behind my eyes. I wiped them quickly and picked up the elephant to distract myself.
"You've...you've been wonderful with Jane. I can't thank you enough. I'm looking forward to our session at the bed and breakfast Saturday evening and I'm sure Jane is too. I think she actually likes talking to you." I said softly.
"I'll only be a phone call away if you need me before Saturday." Violet said.
I nodded my head but didn't answer. I was back to fidgeting with the needle and thread and the elephant again.
I was feeling nervous again. There hadn't been a single day in the two weeks since Jane returned to the world of the living that I hadn't had Violet close by and the thought of being so far away from her was nerve-wracking. I wouldn't admit out loud how much I'd come to rely on her help, but the pressure of being alone with Jane and Angela for five days was making my stomach turn, and yet still I was excited. I was careful to not be overly excited though, I couldn't stand another disappointment or heartbreak, and some of my well-laid plans with Jane had proven futile and devastating. But when I thought of the ring in my safe, I felt myself smiling despite my nervousness. Maybe just maybe, this would be the weekend of my dreams. I started to speak to Violet again when Jane walked into the living room. Both Violet and I stood immediately.
"Hi sweetheart. Are you ready to go?" I asked.
Jane was covered up in jeans and a long sleeved shirt and a hoodie and she was even wearing a hat. She had Angela in her arms, but I wanted to cry when I saw Angela was covered up in long sleeves and long pants even though it was ninety degrees outside. I started to protest but Violet gave me a quick glance and I choked down my words. I smiled at Jane instead. She returned my smile and kissed my lips and I forgot all about the long sleeves and the gloves in that moment. I pulled her into me and kissed her sweetly and Jane let me have my moment and even sighed softly against my lips. I felt myself falling into her...I always did. I pecked Jane's lips several times as Angela pulled the elephant from my hand and immediately started chewing on the stitches in the ear. I sighed and messed her hair. Angela giggled at me excitedly with the elephant hanging from her mouth by its ear.
"I packed my bag," Jane whispered to me. "I'm ready to go."
I smiled and ran my fingers through her hair.
"I'm going to show you the world this weekend princess," I said softly.
I planted more kisses on Jane's blushing face and smiled when she opened her mouth for me and let me kiss her deeply. I even felt her body shudder slightly before she abruptly pulled out of the kiss, her face red and flushed.
"You are my world," she said barely above a whisper.
I felt a tear run from my eye. I wrapped her in my arms and whispered sweet things in her ear before Violet politely interrupted us. I saw Violet out and the woman winked at me before the elevator doors closed and she was gone. I felt my nerves return full force. This was it. It was happening. Jane was actually going to go outside and see the house I bought for her, that she hopefully would love as much as I prayed she would. I was terrified and eager. I ran to my office and opened the safe. I grabbed the ring and opened the box. My heart fluttered in my chest as I gazed at the glittering five-carat diamond.
"Here we go," I whispered to the ring and kissed it before I put it in my jacket pocket and protectively zipped the pocket closed.
I found Jane and Consuela waiting for me in the living room. Consuela was wearing the most hideous looking Hawaiian shirt I'd ever seen and a bright yellow straw hat. Jane was laughing at her mercilessly.
"I look fine," Consuela protested with her hands on her hips. "You look like mummy!"
"At least I don't look like the vacation from hell threw up on my shirt," Jane cracked.
Consuela growled and started beating Jane with her hat. Jane kept teasing Consuela until Franklin Thomas jumped up and snatched the hat from Consuela's hand and tore it into shreds.
"EL DIABLO!" Consuela cursed.
"Relax he did you a favor you old bat." Jane teased.
I sighed and rolled my eyes but I couldn't help smiling. I missed this. As annoying as Jane and Consuela could be...I had truly missed this.
"Let's go you guys," I said leading a very grumpy Consuela toward the elevator.
"Evil devil dog eat my hat!" Consuela huffed.
"I'll get you another one," I sighed.
Jane and Consuela argued all the way to the car. I just smiled.
...
"Are you excited honey?" I asked Jane.
Jane smiled at me in the rear view mirror from the back seat. She was holding Franklin Thomas against her chest and Angela was kicking and giggling in her car seat next to Jane. Jane didn't speak but she nodded her head and continued on petting FT with her gloved hands. I sighed softly to myself. I hated how covered up she was, but I smiled back at her anyway. I loved her so much. I loved her so much it made me ache inside just to hear her name spoken in random conversation. I loved her so much, just the slightest whiff of her scent made my heart race and my eyes always widened in hope that they might find her face smiling. I loved her so much that I barely even noticed the gloves, the long sleeves, the jeans and the hoodie. I knew somewhere inside me this choice of clothing would not be forever. Jane would get better. All I saw was her face, her smile and the way her eyes sparkled when they met mine. Her smile brought me so much joy it nearly reduced me to tears every time she graced me with one. I could forgive Jane so many things, all her strange new quirks, all her strange new habits, I'd forgive her a mountain and a desert of faults if I knew at the end of the day I'd find her eyes shining and grinning at me the way they were right now. All Jane's new 'habits' were in response to the pain that man caused her and whatever my anger, it was always directed at him and would remain that way. When I looked in Jane's eyes the world faded away and all I saw was the light in her soft brown eyes, the heat of her body and her lips...they were mine and only mine to kiss.
The last two weeks had not been easy. But each day Jane slowly made a little progress. Every day she seemed a little less afraid and I fell more and more in love with her. Last night she crawled into bed with me and pulled me into a kiss so soft and sweet I was left speechless. Every time I kissed Jane in the last two weeks, gosh it was...it was more and more beautiful every time. It was the sweetest of success, the greatest of love, and the most passionate of desire. Last night she kissed me all on her own and I thought my heart would burst. I ached for Jane, especially now, more now than I ever had if that was even possible. The feeling of her in my arms and the sound of her steady breathing when she fell asleep curled against me made me feel like...it made me feel everything. When I looked into her eyes I no longer saw only pain, all I saw was hope and that's all I felt when I watched her from the corner of my eye. I hoped every moment of every day and I continued to pray constantly. I prayed that I was good enough, that I could prove myself worthy of Jane in all that I did. Every breath she took was a testament to her strength despite some of her coping methods since she was...
It took a lot of convincing, persuading and gentle insistence to get Jane to agree to come on this little trip. Jane hadn't been outside since I brought her back to New York in a catatonic state and this step was huge for both of us. With Violet's help and constant encouragement and patience on my part, Jane had reluctantly agreed to come. I'd been so sick with apprehension the past several days trying to get everything in order; I'd almost had a panic attack last night. I wanted this to be perfect for Jane and me. I was risking so much buying this house and hoping Jane would love it. But every time I looked at the pictures of the farm in my email, my thoughts would wander to Jane on a horse or swimming in the lake, laughing and playing. My heart ached with the hope I carried that all my dreams and Jane's dreams could come true. I went to bed last night crazy with worry that something would go wrong or some tragedy would befall us and Jane would hate the farm and just want to go home. I would go wherever Jane went, because wherever she was, it was home for me. But I wanted to start over, I wanted something new, I wanted to give Jane and our children everything. It was my responsibility and I welcomed it. I felt so happy thinking of it. When I crawled into bed last night, concerns filling my head, that's when Jane kissed me. That's when she just took my breath away. That's when the darkness lifted, the clouds parted and that's when I knew Jane was mine again. Wherever I was in the world, whatever we faced, whatever came against us, Jane was mine. I looked back at her in the rear view mirror again and grinned when I saw her eyes twinkling at the sunshine, watching the flowers and trees we passed. She seemed not afraid in that moment, she was happy, and I was flying.
"Where we going?" Consuela huffed from the passenger's seat.
"Consuela we're going to a nice little bed and breakfast outside the city a little way." I told Consuela for like the tenth time since we left the house an hour ago.
"But we have bed and breakfast at home, why we need drive far away for bed and breakfast? We need go to Jamaica. That be good vacation," Consuela continued on whining.
I gave Consuela my best 'You better not mess this up for me,' look which thankfully silenced her. This weekend had to be perfect and full of great memories for Jane so she'd agree to move to the house without arguments. I felt the ring in my jacket pocket and smiled to myself. I looked back at Jane staring out the window in the back seat. She seemed lost in the sunshine outside and her face was calm and serene. She did not look afraid or uncertain and I breathed a sigh of relief. I would make this woman, my Janie, my little princess, my wife.
"Please God let this be wonderful for Jane," I whispered inside my head.
"It's just going to be the four of us baby, well not including the dog and the chef and the estate manager and housekeeper for five days. The help are all women so you don't have to worry about anything. We're gonna have so much fun princess." I said excitedly to Jane who grinned at me again.
Jane didn't speak much, but her smiles came easily and she did not flinch when I reached for her and sometimes...sometimes I even caught her staring at me while I undressed. I cannot tell you what that made me feel. Her eyes always turned away quickly, but I saw her stares and smiles, and I felt loved in the adoration I found in her eyes.
"Why you need housekeepa? I housekeepa." Consuela exclaimed.
I rolled my eyes.
"Consuela, this weekend you're the nanny. You're on vacation too."
"I just as well vacation at home since we not go to Jamaica, and no such thing as vacation with messy dog and messy baby and messy Miss Jane," Consuela pouted.
I was just about to scold Consuela for antagonizing Jane but Jane jumped in first.
"I'm not messy," Jane huffed from the back seat.
I looked back at her and was shocked to see that frowning little pout she used to always wear when someone irritated her, especially Consuela. I hadn't seen that pout on Jane's face in ages and this time it actually made me snicker instead of roll my eyes.
"You not messy now because you don't eat, or have fun, or play with puppy or baby or Doctor, but you be messy again one day soon I know it. AND you need eat more! Doctor why you no make Miss Jane eat more? You used to make Miss Jane eat, why not now?" Consuela asked fixing me with her most unhappy expression.
"I eat!" Jane spat at Consuela before I could form an answer.
"You eat like rabbit!" Consuela hissed. "I fatten you up myself. I make you cheeseburger when we get to bed with breakfast,"
I could tell Jane wanted to argue more but her face lit up when Consuela mentioned cheeseburgers.
"Yum," Jane gushed.
I did roll my eyes this time.
"Consuela you're not cooking on this trip we have a chef. And Jane if you really want a cheeseburger you have to walk with me outside for at least an hour." I firmly stated.
Jane narrowed her eyes at me in a way all too familiar to me.
"I'm not a baby! And Consuela will make me cheeseburgers when you're not watching," Jane grinned wickedly.
I was shocked. Jane hadn't pushed against me in two weeks. I hadn't heard the bite of her sarcastic tone in what felt like forever and I hadn't realized how much I missed it. I loved sweet Jane, but sarcastic Jane was always a challenge that in the past drove me nuts. But for some reason the bite in her tone and the glimmer in her eyes moved something in me. It felt like familiarity, like normalcy, like a return to our old selves. Jane was pouting and challenging me like she always use to and for some reason...it made me smile. Coddling her I knew would not work for long, Jane was gearing up for a fight just for the hell of fighting. I almost chuckled. My old Janie was shining through and I knew I'd have to resort back to my old tricks of gentle manipulation in order to get my way. Consuela was right. I needed to get Jane to eat, especially in a healthier way.
"Baby just one hour," I pleaded with her. "There are horses on the farm honey and there's a forest with nature trails and a lake nearby. We can go fishing if you like. You like that don't you? Maybe you can teach me. I've never caught a fish in my life but you can bait my hooky for me." I giggled.
I heard Jane giggle behind me. My eyes flashed to the rear view mirror and I felt tears in my eyes when I noticed she was laughing lightly. Her face was almost as bright and cheery as it used to be when I said something that amused her. I felt my heart skip a beat in my chest.
"It's a hook, Maura. Not a hooky...hooky is what you play when you don't want to go to school or work." Jane laughed.
I laughed with her.
"You can teach me lots of things honey. And maybe we'll catch a fish and the chef will cook it for us."
"Maybe I'll catch a fish and cook it for you myself," Jane said softly.
I looked back at her through the rear view mirror again my heart bursting with love and pride for the woman that amazed me more and more each day.
"I'd really love that Jane," I whispered.
Jane's beaming smile brought a tear to my eyes.
"Ha. Miss Jane not know how to boil water. She not know how to cook fish." Consuela heckled. "She poison you Doctor."
"I will not poison her old woman!" Jane grumbled.
Jane's face looked crest fallen and a little hurt. I looked at Consuela in such a way that the woman shut her mouth and stared out her window and didn't say anything else the entire rest of the ride.
"I'll eat anything you make me baby," I winked at Jane in the rear view mirror.
Jane blushed and buried her head in FT's fur.
I chatted away enthusiastically as I drove. Every few seconds my eyes would dart back to the rear view mirror and find Jane's reflection and my heart leapt every time...every time. Sometimes she would be smiling back at me; sometimes she would be staring aimlessly out the window, sometimes she would even be playing with Angela, though she never touched our daughter without the gloves on. I turned off the old country road and onto the long drive way of the small farm with the bed and breakfast. The farm's property was bordered by a beautiful white picket fence and the driveway was lined on either side by towering trees. I heard Jane gasp behind me.
"WOW!" Jane said.
I looked back at her and her forehead was pressed against the window and her eyes were wide and wondering as she took in the landscape around us. The grounds were beautiful. Lush green freshly cut grass peppered with bold oaks and flower gardens surrounded either side of the driveway. Squirrels ran around the trees and birds chirped in the branches and the scents of flowers filled our noses. Franklin Thomas barked excitedly at the ducks swimming in the pond as we drove by. His tongue was hanging out of his mouth and he whined dolefully, his eyes desiring nothing more than to cause massive amounts of havoc. This I could tell already. In the distance, I could just make out the stables and the pastures. I smiled wider and wider every time I heard Jane happily sigh, gasp or look in the rearview mirror and see her excitedly point to something. When the house came into view Jane's jaw dropped and so did mine. I hadn't seen the house in person before, just a slideshow the realtor showed me and pictures did not do justice to this place. Before us was a towering three-story estate of all grey stone with wrap around porches and majestic stone columns. A grey stone walkway led up to the double doors of the home's entrance surrounded by lovely gardens on either side. As I pulled to a stop in front of the house all I could do was stare. I started to speak, but Jane was out of the car before I could even open my mouth.
"Aye Dios Mio," Consuela gasped. "El Grande! How I clean this place? It take me a week just to clean one floor of this place."
"Consuela, you're not cleaning anything in this place," I said studying the house through the car window.
I was shocked by the size of it, but it was breathtakingly gorgeous. I was immobilized just staring at it, but Jane's shouts from somewhere in the distance broke my reverie.
"Miss Jane getting in trouble already. So much places for her to make mess here." Consuela sighed.
I sighed right along with her. I quickly unbuckled my seat belt and hopped out of the car to grab Angela but she was already gone. I panicked. I ran down the stone path leading around the side of the house and caught up with Jane who had a bouncing Angela in her arm and Franklin Thomas could just be made out down the path head first in a bush and his tail wagging enthusiastically. I grabbed Angela from Jane's arm. I loved that Jane was holding her, but her arm was still in a cast and her ribs were still sore and bruised. I didn't want her to be in pain later from over-exertion. But Jane seemed to have forgotten all about her pain and injuries and took off down the path at full speed after I'd pulled Angela from her. Franklin Thomas was close on her heels his head covered in pollen and dirt. Angela squealed and wailed to follow her mother, but a very severe looking woman popped up next to me dressed in a prim and pressed black suit with a face that looked like it had seen very few smiles.
"You must be Doctor Isles," the woman said holding out her hand to me. "I'm Olivia Frank the estate manager. I'll be attending to you and your guests this weekend."
I shook the woman's hand as best I could in between wrestling with my daughter's writhing body.
"Olivia Frank of course, we spoke on the phone. This is my daughter Angela and our nanny Consuela, not guests." I said directly. I wanted to be sure she and the staff were clear on this from the very beginning.
"Absolutely and I will make sure all staff members are made aware. I made all the arrangements as requested and all the service people are women. Your bags are being carried inside as we speak. And where is the lovely Miss Jane?" Olivia asked looking around.
Somewhere off in the distance I could hear FT barking and Jane's whoops of exhilaration. I giggled somewhat nervously.
"She's familiarizing herself with the grounds," I smiled pleasantly.
Olivia returned my smile and I was surprised to see she appeared rather handsome with a smile on her face.
"While she's away would you like to place the ring in the house safe?" Olivia leaned in and asked me in a whisper.
"I would actually. It's just here in my jacket..." I started but at that moment Jane came bounding up to me along the path.
Jane was still wearing her leather gloves and long sleeved shirt, but she'd done away with her hoodie and she was covered in dirt for some reason. Franklin Thomas appeared around the corner dripping wet and covered in mud and feathers. The two of them together were quite a sight.
"Honey," I said nervously.
Angela squealed and tried to wiggle out of my arms again. Jane beamed at her and reached for Angela but I held her back. I was glad to see Jane smiling and excited but there was no reason for everyone to be filthy. Especially the baby who seemed to have developed an aversion to bathing worse even than Franklin Thomas, though this may have something to do with the extra baths she had been receiving as of late. I would have to address that with Jane sooner, rather than later, maybe with Violet's assistance. Angela was in her formative years and I did not want her to have unnecessary issues. Still Jane's wellbeing was also of my primary concern and I was not expert on dealing with sensitive issues such as this.
"Sweetheart, what has happened to you? We've been here ten minutes and you're covered in grime," I sighed.
"You love me when I'm dirty baby," Jane cooed at me.
She eyed me in that playful way that foretold her desire for some sort of mischief. I was more than a little surprised at what she said considering everything as of late, and I tried to get away down the path but she attacked me and wrapped me in her arm and landed dozens of kisses all over my face. I giggled as I struggled to get free but Jane, despite what happened to her, was not a weak woman, and Angela was wiggling and giggling so much it was hard not to drop her while fighting off Jane at the same time. Jane teased me and laughed at me as she covered my nice new blouse and skirt in whatever mess she had all over her.
"Jane...J-JANE!" I squealed.
Angela giggled and clapped her hands, Franklin Thomas enjoying the fun decided to share his filth with Olivia, jumping up and licking at her face. Olivia screamed and lost her balance and fell back into the flowers in a great heap with Franklin Thomas still trying to lick her face.
"El DIABLO!" Consuela screeched.
Consuela tried to pull Franklin Thomas off Olivia who was writhing and kicking in the mulch of the flower bed. Olivia was spitting out dirt and petals while trying to scream in between Franklin Thomas' tongue all over her face. But her struggles only encouraged the dog and he lay on top of her and covered her face with his dirty puppy tongue. Consuela cursed in spanish furiously and heaved at the dog collar but Franklin Thomas' collar broke and Consuela went flying backward tripping over her own feet and landing in a rose bush on the other side of the path. Consuela howled and cursed as the thorns from the rose bush attacked her. Jane was wide-eyed and looked between Olivia and Consuela like she couldn't figure out which one of them needed help the most. Jane decided on Consuela and pulled her out of the rose bush by the ankle with her good hand.
I just could not believe what was happening. Why could nothing ever go smoothly with my family? Every step forward I so carefully planned was always met by some humiliating disaster such as the one presently on display in front of me. I cursed angrily as Angela giggled in my arms and looked up at me with bright amused eyes. I wanted to die of embarrassment and choke the dog and strangle Jane for laughing like it was hysterical, but that was impossible with my baby in my arms and owning the only head on shoulders that wasn't screaming in fright or pain or laughing like a dope. I did the best I could to remedy the situation, but life and my family had minds of their own. Planning be damned and civility aside, Murphy's law seemed to be the theme of the day, much to my dismay.
"OH…oh my goodness!" I exclaimed.
I tried to help Olivia from the flower patch but Franklin Thomas was rolling all over her and barking excitedly. Jane was no help at all laughing the way she was and before it was all over I was on my back in the flower patch next to Olivia with Franklin Thomas' tongue on my face and Angela rolling around in the dirt next to me. Angela had flowers tangled in her hair and FT had some black material from Olivia's suit dangling from his mouth. Jane went to grab the baby and I had to help a moaning Consuela and Olivia into the house which left me winded and wishing for home. So much for a good start. I just wanted to lie down and cry.
...
I could not have been more embarrassed by my family as I apologized for the hundredth time to Olivia two hours later when everyone was all cleaned up again. I pouted at Jane the entire time we showered and tried to shy away from her playful apologetic kisses. But it was hard to fight Jane off, and even harder to pretend I didn't love every one of her kisses, even though I was furious with her and embarrassed half to death. I'd already tried to give FT a bath in the tub but he'd escaped twice and filled every hallway in the house with soap suds and muddy paw prints. The housekeeper, a small slight blond woman didn't know what to make of us and the messes we made. She was still trying to clean up all the havoc we'd created in the few short hours since we'd arrived. Angela had managed to escape her playpen when we were chasing down the dog and after searching frantically for twenty minutes we followed a trail of M&M's and found Angela hiding under a coffee table covered in sticky chocolate. I almost cried the second time I gave Angela a bath and she cried the entire time. I nearly blew up as I bathed Angela when I heard a great crashing sound from somewhere in the house knowing FT had to be the cause. At one point I just left the dog and the baby in the bedroom with Jane, closing the door, so I could try and apologize to all the help and get the house back in order again before the baby and the dog destroyed everything again.
"I think perhaps you should consider baby proofing and restricting the dog's access to certain areas of the house Dr. Isles," Olivia said haughtily in the library when we had finally gotten things in order again.
I giggled nervously at Olivia's grim face. I was so angry with my family I couldn't even begrudge Olivia's pompous remark and I detested life and everything in between at the moment. But I loved my family, as horrible and embarrassing as they were, even that rat dog. I swore to set my house in order and get things straight as soon as possible.
"Please, take the evening off. Jane, Consuela, and I can make do for ourselves until tomorrow." I slipped more than several hundred dollars in Olivia's hand and gestured towards her suit.
Olivia was a mess. Her neat bun was falling down and covered in dirt, her suit was filthy, one of her heels was broken from chasing Franklin Thomas and her face had a decided scowl on it. I sighed and rubbed my forehead as I looked at her.
"You'll find all the things you requested in the refrigerator and pantry, the bar is fully stocked, you have linen enough in the closets in your rooms and anything else you may need please feel free to call me," Olivia said curtly.
"Thank you," I said glumly.
Franklin Thomas bounded into the room with a pillow in his mouth leaving a trail of stuffing behind him and wagging his tail as if he'd caught a prize. I laughed nervously again, Olivia rolled her eyes and walked out the door.
...
"It's a paddle boat, Maura." Jane said animatedly next to me.
She was practically bouncing on her toes as she ran up and down the dock looking at all the canoes and boats tied up on the huge pond. After all my big talk in the car of wanting Jane to spend time with me outside, at this point I just wanted to go back inside and lay down and take a nap. I was exhausted from all the running around and cleaning up. But Jane seemed to be invigorated by all the madness and she practically dressed me herself and dragged me outside. I insisted Angela take a nap. I needed a break from the baby and quite frankly I could have used a break from everything. But Jane's face was beaming and her smile was so precious that I could deny her nothing, so I caved.
I was wearing a little sun dress and fancy flip flops and Jane was still dressed in jeans and her long sleeves and gloves despite the heat outside. But her face was all anticipation and giddiness like a child on Christmas morning. I had no desire to go rowing around in the pond. The pond was pretty don't get me wrong and it was covered in lily pads and dozens of ducks and birds having a ball in the center of the water. But all I could think about was how filthy the pond water was and how many ways Jane could get an infection in her newly healed scars. Jane however didn't seem to have a care in the world and least of all about infections or how dirty the water was. I was torn about what to do. Jane looked so happy and her eyes were so lively, I couldn't tell her it wasn't safe to go rowing around in the water, especially with her arm in a cast. Even if I told her no, I had a feeling Jane would row herself out there anyway with a rebellious pout on her face and a glimmer of determination in her eyes. Franklin Thomas bounded down the dock barking madly at a group of ducks in the water. The ducks seemed to panic and started swimming in the other direction as fast as they could but before I knew what was happening Franklin Thomas was in the water in an instant swimming after them.
"Yay FT get 'em...GET 'EM!" Jane encouraged the not so tiny puppy.
"Jane don't encourage FT to do that to the ducks! That's mean." I scolded my girlfriend and her mischievous grin.
Franklin Thomas seemed to take Jane's cheers to heart and snapped at the ducks. But a very large looking male duck swam up next to him and started bashing at his face with his beak and honking madly. Franklin Thomas yelped and whined and tried to snap at the duck that was beating him up but the duck was relentless. Franklin Thomas started trying to swim for shore his little paws thrashing desperately at the water and his face looking terrified and confused, but the duck was on his tail snapping at the back of his head with his long powerful beak. Franklin Thomas whined and yapped and Jane was beside herself with panic.
"Oh NO!" Jane wailed.
Jane was running up and down the dock frantically.
"SWIM Franklin Thomas...SWIM!" Jane shouted at her dog who was whining and whimpering and had never looked more pathetic in his life.
The duck was all over him thrashing its wings and honking madly and pecking at poor FT's little body.
"We gotta get him baby, we gotta get him!" Jane wailed at me, her eyes wide and worried.
"Honey you were the one that told him to attack those innocent ducks who were minding their own business," I said disdainfully.
Jane glared at me. Then she started stripping from her clothing.
"Baby what in the hell are you doing?" I screeched.
"I'm gonna save my puppy!" Jane shouted at me, but her voice was muffled behind her long sleeved shirt she was trying to pull over her head but it was caught on her cast and she was twisting around in circles trying to get the thing off.
I would have laughed if she didn't look so ridiculous.
"Honey be still, be still." I yelled at her as I tried to pull the shirt back down over her body. But Jane was still trying to get it off and we were doing the silliest dance of wills, neither one of us managing to make the shirt do what we wanted it to do.
"Baby I gotta save my puppy!" Jane cried.
She was starting to panic. She was flailing around and wiggling so much she bumped me accidentally with her hip and I tripped, landing in the water face first.
"OH GOD...OH GOD!" I panicked.
I was never a good swimmer and Jane's shirt had come off her body just as she bumped me and I was twisted up in the thing worse than she had been. I flailed and choked on pond-scum laden water and I cried desperately. Jane ran up and down the dock flailing her arms and screaming. I was thrashing the water so hard it was churning and bubbling and blinding me and making me choke and cry.
"BABY! SWIM BABE...it's only five feet of water...just swim honey...SWIM!" I could hear Jane shouting at me from the dock.
I tried to swim the best I could, but Jane's long sleeved shirt had wrapped around my neck somehow and for some reason I was only managing to swim in circles no matter how hard I fought with the water.
"MAURA the water is your friend, it will hold you up if you just breathe and move your arms!" Jane wailed at me.
She started winding her arms at the edge of the dock trying to coach me. "Like this baby, do it like THIS! NO...swim the other way...swim the other way...stroke...stroke...STROKE! Kick your feet...MAURA why are you so bad at this?" Jane was still shouting at me.
I tried to scream back at her but I swallowed more water with all my thrashing around and I started sputtering and choking and coughing on the grimy, murky, nauseating, muddy pond water. I heard barking close to me, but I couldn't see with all the water I was churning up trying not to drown.
"IT'S FIVE FEET OF WATER MAURA...Just stand UP!" I could hear Jane shouting at me.
I tried to do as she said but I felt something close around my pony tail and I heard FT's growls behind me. I was being dragged away by my hair by the damn dog. FT's little paws worked hard in the water trying to pull me to shore but that horrible duck was still behind him and I felt its beak beating at me viciously.
"OWWW OWWWWW!" I screeched.
I tried to swat at the duck but it was on top of me pecking at my face. I cried and thrashed and flailed. Franklin Thomas did his best to save me and swam on top of me trying to get at the duck but he pushed my head under the surface with his foot and I choked on even more water.
"Get AWAY from her duck!" I heard Jane shouting.
I managed to open my eyes in between choking and gasping for air and I saw Jane's shirtless body beating at the water with an oar.
"GET AWAY DUCK!" Jane screeched.
Jane tried to beat at the duck that was still attacking FT and I, but his little duck family flew out of the water at Jane and ran at her. Their wings were spread wide and they were honking angrily and going at her like crazy with their duck bills.
"OWWW," I heard Jane freaking out. "GET BACK...GET BACK!"
Jane was spinning in circles batting at the ducks that were flying at her from every direction. But Jane only had one arm to work with and she lost her balance quickly and landed in the water right along with me. The ducks were all over us both. Jane was cursing and beating at them with her one good arm. Feathers were flying everywhere. Franklin Thomas was barking like crazy. The ducks were honking and stabbing us with their bills. I was in tears from the hysteria and the pain in my arms and face. I felt Jane's arm wrap around my body as she swam for the shore. I blubbered and flailed my arms like crazy as the ducks followed us the entire way.
"BE STILL WOMAN...BE STILL!" Jane cursed and shouted as she struggled with my writhing body. "Owwwww OWWWW Goddamn DUCKS!"
I felt myself being dragged ashore. I lay in the grass gasping for air. I was covered in green slime and feathers and I had bruises all over my arms from the duck attack. FT ran out of the water and took off as fast and as far away from the ducks as he could, whimpering and yelping with his tail between his legs. Jane cursed and screamed and kicked at the ducks that were flying all around us. Feathers were everywhere. The ducks didn't leave us alone until Jane's foot connected with a few of their faces and they retreated back into the water honking and celebrating their victory. Jane stood next to me gasping for air. Her hair had pond slime in it, her wet olive toned skin glistened and shone in the late afternoon sun. Her muscles rippled and her eyes were bright with fire and fury.
"Maura...how come your ass can't swim?" Jane asked in between gasping breaths.
I rolled over on my knees and crawled further up the bank moaning and groaning in pain. I collapsed in the grass in a heap of feathers and just started sniveling.
"Owww, Jane my arms...those ducks hurt my arms," I yelled. "And my face...am I bleeding?"
I felt Jane next to me. She rolled me over and pulled me into her arms. I lay my head on her shoulder when I felt her laughing. My head shot up from her chest and I pouted and frowned at her.
"It's not funny, JANE!" I growled at her.
Jane only started laughing harder. She laughed so hard she doubled over and her entire body shook. I swatted at her playfully.
"Stop laughing at me!" I whined. I blushed from embarrassment and frustration. I remembered the swimming instructor at my boarding school said my inability to relax and give up control kept my swimming ability to the bare minimum. I'd been laughed at maliciously at school, but Jane's laughter was sweet, playful and music to my ears. I couldn't help giggling in return. She didn't mean me harm and I knew she loved me.
"You c-c-can't swim in five feet of water...it's so sad...you're so sad baby! You should have seen yourself. Oh my GOD! I wish I had that on camera. You're so funny baby...stop...stop hitting me," Jane laughed so hard she was rolling around in the grass.
But I could only be so irritated with Jane. I looked over at her. I smiled. Somehow she'd lost her gloves and her shirt was gone and she didn't even seem to notice or mind she was laughing so hard. I crawled on top of her and pinned her down with my dripping wet body.
"You're being an asshole," I scolded her.
Jane just grinned up at me devilishly.
"I saved you baby. I saved you from the embarrassment of drowning in two feet of water and being pecked to death by birds...AHHHAHAHAHA!" Jane continued to laugh.
I pouted and attacked her, tickling her body until she was gasping for air and crying happy tears between begging me to stop. I laughed with her. I wrapped her in my arms and kissed her all over her face and neck, grinning when Jane squealed and squirmed beneath me.
"Maura it tickles...it tickles," Jane yowled.
I kissed her all over her body and blew raspberries on her stomach. Jane cackled and flailed in excitement. My heart was on fire. I was a filthy mess, Jane was covered in slime and feathers, but I'd never seen her so beautiful. Her laughter was brighter than the sun, her smile was gorgeous, she shivered and wiggled in my arms and I loved her so much. Jane pulled me against her so our lips were almost touching. She smiled at me and looked deep in my eyes. I saw so many things fall away from her for the moment. All the pain, all the fear, all the self loathing, all her anguish was gone as she stared at me shirtless in the grass under the sun. She cradled my face in her hand and I gasped at how beautiful her dark eyes were in the sunlight. She brushed my wet hair from my face and kissed me. I closed my eyes; she opened my mouth with her soft tongue. She pulled me against her and held me close. I loved the feeling of her skin against mine. I had only felt her bare flesh briefly in the last several weeks and to feel it now trembling beneath my body...it was hard to breathe. She kissed me so deeply and so passionately I shuddered on top of her and moaned softly in her mouth. She was mine again in that moment. Her fear was gone, the extra clothing was gone, and anxiety was nowhere to be found. She was my Janie and I was her Maura and nothing and no one else mattered. We kissed for minutes that could easily have been hours. We kissed and kissed and kissed. I sighed and moaned and shuddered against her. Jane giggled every time my body shook and smiled every time I whispered silly, sweet things in her ear. I pulled back and just stared down at her. I was lost in her beauty. I was lost in her touch. I was lost in the love I saw in her eyes and I was lost in all the ways she made me so happy. We didn't speak for several long minutes. We just stared into each other's eyes; the bright sunshine warming our wet bodies along with the heat we gave to one another. Jane pecked at my lips and pulled feathers from my hair.
"I have to teach your ass to swim baby because you suck at it," Jane teased me at long last.
Her eyes crinkled into that wicked little expression she got when she was being facetious. I giggled.
"I'm going to teach you some things too baby," I said.
"Yeah like what?" Jane narrowed her eyes at me.
"Well for starters I'll teach you how to listen when I give you good advice."
"Like you listen to me when I tell you to swim for the shore and you just flail around in circles," Jane laughed.
"You're exaggerating princess." I said trying to tickle Jane again.
Jane rolled me over and covered her body with mine. We rolled in the grass kissing and hugging each other and teasing playfully. I couldn't stop giggling and Jane wouldn't stop nipping at me with her teeth and honking like a duck.
"Stop Jane you're so silly...S-STOP...stop honking like that. You're so silly Jane...you're so silly!" I laughed breathlessly as Jane went at me with her teeth and her inane honking and her giggles.
Her body on top of mine and her laughter in my ear made me feel like I was floating in the heavens. I felt a flush in my body and a heat inside me that made my face blush and my eyes pop and my thighs tremble. I gritted my teeth trying desperately not to admit that I was thinking and feeling exactly what I was thinking and feeling, but I couldn't help it. It had been a long time to be absent a certain type of touch from Jane. I hadn't thought such thoughts at all since that...thing...happened. But in that moment, rolling in the grass with the woman that was my lover and the greatest love of my life...so many things came rushing in so fast, so real. I swallowed hard and rolled Jane off of me a little more abrupt than I intended.
"Hey, Maura. I was just playing with you honey." Jane frowned next to me.
Her eyes seemed sad and maybe a little bit hurt. My heart broke. I sighed and rolled on top her again pulling feathers and filth from her tangled curly locks.
"I didn't mean to upset you little princess. I just...it's hot out here you wanna go inside?" I asked her softly.
Jane looked up at me with those huge sweet eyes and my heart melted again. I kissed her sweetly several times and goose bumps erupted on my skin when I felt Jane's entire body tremble beneath mine. I pulled back quickly but less abrupt this time. I couldn't do this with her. I loved her more than anything, but I couldn't do this with her right now. I wasn't absolutely sure, but I didn't think we were ready and I would take any chances with Jane's recovery. Not that I didn't want her, God knows I wanted her...I always did, and always would. But I wanted her whole, and complete, and healed and we were both a long way from that. Still, the smile on her face and the way her breath came unsteadily from her mouth made me burn with desire. It took all the strength I had to stand my ground. But Jane made everything better and more difficult at the same time. Even breathing was harder when I was with her. She cradled my face in her hand again and kissed me sweetly. My entire body flushed with arousal and I had to wiggle around a little bit to relieve the pressure between my legs. Maybe this was something we could talk about later. I remembered Violet said we should talk and open up to one another.
"I love it here baby. And I love you Maura Isles." Jane whispered up at me.
Her eyes were so sincere and so sweet I felt tears forming in my own eyes. I kissed her wrist lightly several times and ran my fingers through her hair.
"I hope I make you happy this weekend baby," I said softly against her lips.
Jane smiled sweetly.
"I'm always happy when I'm with you," She said before pulling me into a kiss so hot I thought I'd incinerate from the passion of it.
I thought of the ring in the safe. I smiled. We were home.
