A/N: I'd like the thank my Betamax Mrj726 for putting up with all my emo cry baby bullshit the last two weeks. I know I worked you to death on this chapter and you made it so much better from the mess it was. I'd also like to apologize to my readers for yesterday's posting mishap, that was all my bad I didn't mean to piss anyone off. I hope you enjoy the chapter. Thank you guys for still reading, I'm trying really hard to make the beautiful ending I promised you happen and it has not been easy. Please review, reviews are love.
Jane
I sat on the bed in the bedroom at the B&B staring at the long-sleeved shirt, jeans and gloves that Maura laid out for me before she left for errands in the city. I smiled to myself when I thought of her. She always made a point to see that I had all I needed if she left me alone. I touched my lips and remembered the kiss she gave me before she left. My lips still tingled. I picked up the pair of gloves rubbing the soft leather in my hands. They were beautiful gloves, probably very expensive. Maura bought them for me a couple of weeks ago when I first started wearing gloves all the time. She never said a word about the way I covered myself up. But every time she looked at me her eyes would fall, her shoulders sagged and sometimes when she thought I wasn't looking, I could see tears on her cheeks. When I saw Maura so worried about me my heart would break. I felt so much shame, not only because of what happened to me, but because I hated how much Maura was hurting. I wanted so badly to wear tank tops, dresses, shorts and be pretty for Maura. But I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Every time I looked in the mirror I hated myself. I felt so filthy and dirty. Even though Maura always bathed me and kissed me and told me I was pretty, my reflection in the mirror only brought me tears. I'd allowed myself to wallow in self-misery for ages now and I was so tired of it. I knew Maura loved me and my self-loathing only added to her pain. I was weary of watching Maura suffer in silence. I wanted to love her again in every way, and I wanted to not be afraid of all the ways she showed me her love. I wanted to feel her skin against mine, and hold her tightly against me, hearing her whisper my name in the way that makes me crazy. I wanted us to be free with one another like we were yesterday at the pond. I loved the way she smiled at me in the summer sun, her body wet, her eyes shining, and her hair full of duck feathers. I loved the kisses she gave me and the ones I gave her in return without a thought in the world other than her loveliness. I missed my happiness, I missed my angel, and I missed us. I wanted her back...I wanted everything back.
But Maura and I had lost so much since...everything happened. But, yesterday at the pond had been amazing, crazy, and fun. Maura laughed like I hadn't seen her laugh in weeks. I smiled when I thought of all that happened at the pond. Maura had been so funny trying to swim. It was awful that I found her inability to swim properly so hysterical, but Maura was always so perfect, well usually, and seeing her swimming around in circles in five feet of water was one of the funniest things I'd seen in a long time. I stood and walked to the window of the bedroom that overlooked the grounds. In the distance, I could just make out the pond. The sunlight was sparkling over the surface of the water and reflecting the tall beautiful trees behind it. It was gorgeous. I could see the ducks in the pond sunbathing and I could see Franklin Thomas standing on the dock looking longingly at the water. I knew he hadn't forgotten how those ducks kicked his ass yesterday, but he hadn't worked up the courage to take them on again. I knew it was only a matter of time. I sighed as I walked onto the balcony outside the bedroom. The late morning sun was hot already and I felt my skin burning. I looked down at my torso and realized I was only wearing a bra. I panicked for a moment until I remembered I didn't have to be afraid. Maura wasn't here but she promised she'd be back soon. I knew I'd be ok without her for a while today. Maura needed a break from me and from everything else for that matter. Every time I looked at her over the past few weeks she seemed so tired and strained. Her eyes were always filled with concern. I didn't like it when she looked at me like she was afraid of what I might do, or what I was thinking. But I was ready to be brave. I was ready to try and be everything Maura needed, wanted and deserved. I wanted my life with Maura to feel like heaven again, when she was mine, I was hers and all the things that had threatened to tear us apart didn't exist.
As I gazed out over the grounds of the bed and breakfast I took a deep breath. My nose picked up the scents of horses, hay, fresh cut grass and flowers. I loved the smells. The sound of squirrels playing in the trees came to my ears and the sound of FT barking in the distance made me smile. The dog loved it here, I loved it here, Angela loved it here, and I even think Consuela loved it here. I looked down at the sparking pool below the balcony and grinned. I wanted to swim in that thing so badly. Maura wouldn't let me swim last night insisting I needed to let my cast dry out and as hard as I whined she would not bend. I would have pouted all night, but there was something about the glimmer in Maura's eyes as she looked at me across the dinner table wearing one of those little negligees. My arguments faded away somewhere in the recesses of my mind and I forgot all about the pool. I know Maura saw me watching her body move in that negligee and I know I saw her blush a million times. At one point I couldn't help myself from staring at her breasts, but Maura noticed that too and she left the table coming back wearing a bathrobe which made me sad. But I didn't say anything. I didn't really know what to say or do as I hated thinking that I'd made Maura uncomfortable somehow. Maura used to love it when I looked at her a certain way, now...
I spent the rest of the evening worried that Maura didn't want me that way anymore. The thought of me never being able to make love to her again devastated me. I knew I'd been beyond difficult to be around the last few weeks, I knew I was damaged, unattractive and that man had hurt me, but I still loved Maura with all my heart. The only person in the world I could ever see myself being touched by again was her, and that was true even before I was...
I'd almost crawled back into my dark place last night and hid away from Maura when I thought she'd never want to touch me again. But Maura came to me, kissed me and held me in her arms as the sun set behind the pond. The sounds of crickets filled the air, lightning bugs filled the skies and in that moment, I fell in love with her all over again. Maura slept in her negligee last night and she didn't blush when I looked at her the same way I did over dinner. She did turn off the lights quickly citing I needed my rest, but before she flicked off the lamp I saw her raise her eyebrows at me. I remembered that look; I'd seen it on her face before...when she wanted me. My breath caught in my throat when she'd looked at me that way, I think my jaw dropped and a pleasant warmth spread between my legs. But before I could speak a single word or take a breath the room went dark, and Maura crawled into bed. Before I knew it I was wrapped in her arms with her hair in my face and a tingle in my stomach. I fell asleep that way last night, and when I awakened this morning Maura pulled me into the shower with her. I pretended I was in pain from all the activity yesterday, and just as I had hoped Maura washed my body for me. I grinned mischievously, feeling proud of myself for thinking of it. But Maura caught me grinning, and looked at me with shock all over her face. She poked me all over with her finger and accused me of lying which I adamantly denied, but of course she didn't believe me. As much as she scowled at me she didn't seem angry, if anything she was amused. She raised her eyebrows at me like she did the night before and made me wash her body instead. I didn't put up a single argument, who would? I tried to hide my triumphant smile but it was hard to do with express permission to check out my girlfriend's body. I was awkward with my broken arm and damaged hand, but Maura didn't seem to mind and it gave me an excuse to take my time. I think I washed her breasts three times and by the third time when I looked in Maura's eyes I could tell she was barely holding in her laughter. I blushed and nearly died of embarrassment, but when I tried to pull my hand away she leaned in and kissed me and held my hand against her chest and I melted in that moment. I tried to pull her closer to me but Maura was out of the shower before I got the chance and I was left grumbling.
Now Maura was gone to get some medical supplies to cut off my old cast and give me a new one, and I was left to dress myself and explore the rest of the house and grounds. Maura seemed to have a peculiar interest in getting me to know the whole house. While the house was incredibly beautiful, it was also very large and it would take a lifetime to discover everything and I didn't want to be cramped up inside. I really wanted to go check out the horses, but there was something I wanted to take care of first. Something no one knew about but me. I tossed the gloves on the bed and rummaged through my drawers hoping to find something more appropriate to wear. But I realized quickly all I'd packed were jeans and long sleeved shirts. I cursed softly to myself. I rummaged through Maura's closet instead and pulled out a little white sun dress. I smiled and put it on. I looked at myself in the huge mirror on the wall. It was a slightly shorter than I'd have liked and I hated the way my cast looked. It was cramping my style and made me look broken. I wanted to be pretty. I frowned. I pulled my brand new switchblade from my bag and cut the cast right off my arm. I breathed a sigh of relief when the cast fell away and my poor arm could breathe again. I tucked the knife back in my bag and took comfort when I saw the pistol inside. Both the knife and the pistol were gifts from Maura's mother at my request. I had to promise Constance on my life that the gun was only for protection. The woman seemed to worry about me just as much as Maura did these days. But Constance usually always did as I asked and after I showed her my NYPD Academy certificate she'd agreed to help me acquire a gun. I'd managed to keep it hidden from Maura so far, but I knew that wouldn't last forever. Maura had been distracted as of late with taking care of everything under the sun including me, but I knew she'd find out eventually. I hoped Maura wouldn't be angry with me for having weapons in the house. But the gun and the knife made me feel safe. I know Maura wanted to be my great protector and I don't think she'd fancy the idea of me packing heat, but I'd deal with that later.
I sat on the bed and pulled my wallet from the bag. I counted the bills inside the billfold and smiled. Three thousand two hundred dollars, that's what I had left after Maura's mother sold everything from my old apartment. I looked down at the bed I was sitting on and sighed. I knew the bed alone cost more than all the money in my hand. I looked around the room at all the fine-looking things and the chest of drawers with all my beautiful clothes inside. Everything in my world now was extravagance, expense and spoke of a class I had neither been born with or fully understood. Everything Maura gave me was more than I ever thought I'd have, even before I lost my family. Even the love Maura gave me was more than I ever thought I'd know. Maura had opened my life, my heart and my world to everything she had to give. Sometimes when she held me I felt like I was drowning in her. That's how much I loved her. But all I had accomplished on my own fit in the palm of my one hand. I wanted to cry looking at the small stack of bills that was all the money I had in the world. Maura probably spent five times as much just on this get-away, and all I had to my name, not counting what Maura gave me was three-thousand two-hundred dollars. I counted the money again and sighed. I blinked back tears. I wanted to give Maura wonderful things like she gave me. When I asked her to marry me I wanted it to be with a ring worthy of her finger. I wanted to see her face light up and her eyes sparkle. I wanted her to know how much I loved her, how much I wanted her to be mine and how much I wanted to be with her forever. I wanted her to know that I was not completely broken and maybe she would smile and kiss me more and maybe...maybe she'd make love to me again. But the money in my hand only reminded me of how small I was compared to Maura. She could have anyone, someone who could afford to buy her all the pretty things I could only dream of giving her. But for some reason, as poor, fucked up and crazy as I was, Maura never left me. She called me her princess and treated me like one. When I was in her arms, she was my angel and I felt safe and I wanted to buy a ring worthy of her finger. But Maura wore tennis bracelets worth more than 3200 dollars. I could easily purchase a nicer ring on one of the many credit cards Maura gave me. But I wanted to give her something with my money, not her money...and I wanted it to be as stunning as Maura though I knew no object could even come close.
I stuffed the money back in my wallet and wiped the tears from my eyes. Maybe Maura wouldn't mind a small ring; maybe she loved me enough that she'd wear it anyway, if she said yes. If she should say no, well I shuddered at the thought. I swallowed the fear rising in the back of my throat. If she said no, my heart broke just thinking about it. I knew Maura was it for me. I knew it with everything inside of me. She was the love of my life, my greatest joy. She was the smile on my face, the beat of my heart. I know there would never, ever be another that could stare right into the face of my darkness and my pain and still call me beautiful. Maura had seen all of me, the worst of me, things I hid from others and even myself. She'd seen me at my lowest, when I had nothing to offer but my body or a dollar to my name, and still she took me as I was. A tear ran down my cheek as I thought of all I'd been through with Maura in so short of time. We'd been through enough to make the strongest person break down and run away, but that woman...since the moment we met...had never, ever done anything but love me, stand by me, support me, fight for me, open her home to me, her heart and her everything to me. All the while, with all the chaos Angela and I brought into her life, she never, ever complained. I was never a whore to her, or ugly, or worthless even when that was all I thought of myself. When I looked in Maura's eyes I could see the way she loved me and I wished I could only love myself half as much as I loved her. I would buy her the best ring I could afford. If she let me put it on her finger, I prayed she would know that every drop of my blood, every breath in my lungs, every single I love you I spoke for the rest of my life would belong to her and her alone. My heart and my stomach were in knots as I drove to the jewelry store. I prayed with everything inside of me. I prayed that she loved me enough to say 'yes'.
...
Maura
The sun was setting by the time I managed to get back to the bed and breakfast. I had not planned to be gone so long, but I had so much business in the office, then James called to talk about Tommy. I also had to sign paper work with the realtor and time just got away from me. I was completely exhausted, but still I was so glad our new house was away from the chaos of inner New York. I needed peace and quiet tonight, well at least as much peace and quiet as I was likely to find amongst my family. The real peace I found these days was in the quiet of the night when everyone was in bed and Jane was sleeping in my arms. That's when I could breathe a sigh of relief, let my mind wander and relax a little from the stress of the day. But I loved my family so much, even as hectic as they made my life. I smiled when I thought of Jane. I hoped she had a good day, was in a good mood and had plenty of stories to tell of all the trouble that she, our child and puppy most likely were involved in at some point during the day. I sighed heavily when the limo pulled to a stop in front of the house. I tipped the driver and reached for the door handle, but Jane was suddenly there and opened the door herself.
"Hi baby," Jane said excitedly as she pulled me out of the limo and wrapped me in her arms.
I was nearly crushed by her hug and from the weight of my surprise. I was so shocked for a moment I thought I was at the wrong place and hugging the wrong woman. Jane was wearing a sundress...a sundress. I could see her toned shapely legs and her shoulders and arms were only covered by a light cotton jacket. Jane blushed as I looked at her in wonder. I would have smiled but my face was frozen in astonishment. The cast on her arm was gone somehow and so were the gloves. Her skin was warm against my body and her face was beaming as she looked at me shyly. I held her at arm's length and looked her over in wonder. I knew my mouth was hanging open and my eyes were wide with disbelief. My sundress hugged her body beautifully and she was even wearing sandals...and make-up. I tried to speak, but all that came out were stutters and stammers. I blinked my eyes a million times still not convinced that I was seeing what I was actually seeing. It had to be a fantasy. This couldn't be real. Jane just grinned at me sheepishly.
I took her hand in mine and pulled her into me. She looked at me so sweetly, so innocently. In her eyes, I saw the eyes of my child. I saw my future. I saw my hopes and my dreams. I saw a woman that loved me, that loved all of me. And I saw a woman that needed me, that needed all of me. She was not weak; she had never been weak even when she would never have described herself as strong. But she was complex, full of thoughts and feelings she never spoke about, but her actions spoke volumes of all the things she dreamed. I knew she dreamed. I saw them in her eyes. I saw them when she looked at me. I heard them in her voice and her softest sighs. I felt them in her kisses, her touches and when she spoke my name. I knew she dreamed of me. As I stood looking her over and holding her in my arms I allowed myself the first breath of fresh air I'd had since I woke this morning and found her next to me cradled in my embrace.
The wind blew and swept her curly locks in her face. I caught the aroma of vanilla in her hair along with the flowers in the gardens and the smell of grass, but her scent was there above all others. I smelled her even as I slept. The smell of her lingered on my clothes and sometimes when I was away from her I'd pick up her scent and my eyes would close and I could see her face. I would smile then, and pray that she was safe and happy until I could be with her again. When my eyes would open the world around me would be a little dimmer somehow, like the absence of her in my company made the world just a little less bright, the sun not so glorious and the moon not so majestic. My heart ached for her and I would wish her near and the seconds would drone on like millennia until I returned to her. Then the world would be reborn again, the sun would shine, the angels would sing and her voice was music in my ears. That is what I felt in that moment as she held her jacket tightly against her body and shivered slightly more from uncertainty than from cold. I felt like the day was finally warm even though the sun was setting and the first lights of twinkling stars dotted the sky. I was finally warm.
I looked over Jane's shoulder at the huge bed and breakfast that was our home now, even though she didn't know it yet. I smiled to myself. I knew Jane loved it here, and I loved that she loved it more than I could ever express. The nights were so quiet and there were no people around except my family and our help. I loved the peace. Jane laid her head on my shoulder and sighed softly. Her warm breath on my skin made me shudder. I took Jane's chin in my fingers and tilted her face on my shoulder to look up at me. She was being oddly quiet after the excitement of yesterday and her giddiness this morning. I knew there was something on her mind. I brushed her hair from her cheek and smiled at her. She returned my smile with a sweet grin and when I kissed her lips I felt them tremble against my own. Jane sighed when I pulled out of the kiss slowly. Her eyes were closed and her face nuzzled against my neck and I fell further and further in love with her. Jane opened her eyes and smiled. She took my hand and placed it in the crook of her arm and walked me toward the house.
I pulled Jane into me before she could open the door. I wanted to be alone with her for a bit. I'd waited all day just to feel her in my arms. She did not fight me nor speak. She just brushed my hair from my face and looked down at me with those brown eyes that made me weak and I was lost in her. I felt her hands on the small of my back and she pulled me tightly into her body. I started to speak but her lips were on mine before I could form so much as a single word. It was as though the rest of the world was no longer there. I was in a different place entirely. Jane kissed me hard, so hard my head spun, so hard my body trembled, so hard my knees felt weak and the moan on my tongue tasted like ecstasy. I dropped my medical bag and it landed with a clunk long forgotten. I wrapped my fingers in Jane's hair and kissed her back with a frenzy of lust and desire. Jane met my kisses with heat and passion and I found myself lifted from my feet and seated on the railing of the porch. I wrapped my legs around Jane's body and forgot everything in the universe that wasn't the woman in my arms. I wanted her so much it hurt deep inside of me. My body erupted in shivers and sweat. My skin was hot and flushed and screaming to be touched. Jane's hands were all over me, almost like they knew how much my body wanted her and were doing their best to oblige. I felt the fire of arousal wash over me. I felt my legs shaking, my nipples hardening, and my vagina felt like lightning in a storm. My head was swimming and my eye lids fluttered but there was something inside me screaming to stop. It was the tiniest voice barely heard above the uproar taking place in my body, but it made me remember what was most important right now, and that was Jane. I gently pulled out of the kiss and with my hands on Jane's shoulders, got off the railing and pushed us apart.
At first Jane looked at me in shock. I could see my lipstick all over her face and neck. I touched my own lips and knew I was wearing as much of Jane's lipstick as she was wearing of mine. I smiled and then my smile turned into giggles I couldn't control.
"What's so funny?" Jane lowered her eyes.
Her face was scrunched up in her favorite frown that made her look like a kid and I only laughed harder.
"WHAT!" Jane wailed.
She was starting to rub at her sundress with her hands and I knew she was becoming uncomfortable and uncertain of herself. I stopped laughing immediately and pulled her into me again. I cradled her face in my hands and just looked at her for a long time. She looked right back at me and in that moment my heart desired love and passion. This woman, her eyes, her smile, her skin, her hair, her lips, her heart, her soul, her flaws, her pain, her anger, her love, her everything...I wanted everything. She was the reason I woke in the morning and the reason I drew every breath I took. She was my life...and I loved her. I felt a tear run from my eye as I looked into her. Jane leaned her forehead against mine and wrapped her arms around my neck. I wrapped my arms around her waist and we danced in slow circles as the sunset and the crickets played a beautiful melody for us against the backdrop of the twilight sky. The fireflies lit up the darkness and twinkled like millions of stars. A soft warm breeze blew and Jane's curly locks swept across her face. I kissed her lips softly from time to time, but we did not speak. We just danced in each other's arms lost in whatever thoughts we had or the absence of thoughts, because in that moment, there was nothing else. I could want no more than what I had already.
I danced with Jane on our porch for what could have been forever. I slowly pulled the jacket from her shoulders. I smiled at her as I did so. Jane blushed. She did not resist, but she shuddered when the jacket fell to the ground. I held her close to me. I whispered I love you in her ear and her eyes closed. Her body shivered when I kissed her lips and the softest sigh escaped her mouth. I kept running my fingers over the skin of her arms. I'd missed the touch of her skin. I kept smiling between the tears pouring from my eyes as I would kiss her shoulders softly and she would shudder every time.
"You're so pretty little princess...my pretty, pretty princess," I spoke softly in Jane's ear.
I felt her giggling in my arms.
I smiled and kissed her sweetly again. By the time I pulled away Jane was breathless. I felt the heat in my body again. I took several deep breaths to still everything going on inside of me. But it was so hard to wipe my mind of certain thoughts and my eyes could not deny the loveliness of the woman in my arms. I pulled Jane's head to lie on my shoulder as we danced. I thought if I didn't have to look directly into her eyes I could trick myself into not wanting her so badly. But Jane kissed my neck with her soft lips and I had to grit my teeth to keep from gasping and moaning and doing all the things to her that my mind was imagining in that moment. The images of her legs around my waist and her moans in my ear kept raging in my mind. I ran my hands up Jane's sides and she giggled and squirmed.
"My love...you'll always be my little princess. Forever Janie, forever." I whispered to her.
Jane sighed. "You'll always be my angel."
I smiled and buried my face in her hair. I felt her shiver again and I had to hold her tightly to keep her from falling.
"Will you walk with me sweetheart?" I asked her softly.
Jane smiled and took my hand and I led her down the stone path to the gardens around the pond. Jane was quiet as we walked and I did not push her to speak. It was enough just to be in her company. I'd missed her all day and I loved walking beside her. I pulled her into my lap as we sat in the garden swing and Jane wrapped her arms around me and lay her head on my shoulder again. I kissed her sweetly from time to time and ran my fingers through the silk of her hair. I thought many thoughts in those moments. I remembered so many nights where I thought I would never know happiness again. I remembered the moments when I found her in that club and...
One lonely tear ran from my eye as I held her in my lap and rocked her in my arms. I prayed again. I prayed in thanks. I prayed from the depths of me. The tears on my cheeks were those of a joy I'd never felt. I thanked God for the Grace of Jane's soul, for her strength, for her courage, her bravery, for her love, for her safety, for the life that I had been blessed with and the love I still had in my heart despite how much I had been angry and broken. I believed now in a higher power, as there was nothing on this earth that I had ever studied, understood or read in any book that could account for the way I loved Jane and the reason that Jane was still here with me, in my arms, fighting so hard for us despite what happened to her. I was astounded by her. The world had been so cruel to her for so many long years. From the moment I met her I saw so much pain in her eyes, and so much sadness. But she touched me the moment I laid my eyes upon her and she had not stopped moving me since.
"I'm wearing a dress baby," Jane said softly. "Do you like it?"
I smiled at her. I know she could not make out my smile clearly in the dim light of the setting sun, but the smile was on my face none the less. Her words were soft and searching, innocent and sweet. I cradled her face in my hand and softly brushed her cheeks.
"I love it sweetheart, and I love you. But what happened to your cast honey?" I whispered in her ear.
"Oh...I took it off. It's not very sexy."
I chuckled.
"Honey you have to wear it another three weeks. I'll make it smaller this time so it's not so cumbersome, but I want your arm to heal properly sweetheart." I said gently.
Jane grumbled and whined.
"Nooo Maura my arm doesn't hurt anymore. It only bothers me if I bump it on something or twist it funny. I'll be careful. I'm ok now. Please don't make me wear that ugly thing again. I'm ok now and I want to be pretty for you."
I frowned and pulled Jane's head back so I was looking at her face. She appeared dejected and worried. She let her gaze fall from me. I wrapped her chin in my fingers and made her look at me again.
"There has never been a moment since I laid eyes on you that you haven't been beautiful to me. There is nothing you could do or say or experience that would make me love you any less or make me want you any less and I will always...always think you're beautiful. Always princess," I whispered.
I heard my voice crack. I felt the tears on my cheeks. I felt the pain in my chest. I wanted to say so many things...but words were just not enough to express how much Jane meant to me. Jane looked at me with those lovely eyes of hers. She started to speak, but her voice caught and tears started to stream down her face. I brushed her cheeks with my thumbs and kissed as many tears as I could.
"You're just saying that because you have too..." Jane cried softly.
"...I'm saying it because it's true Janie. I can't lie and even if I could I've never meant anything in my life as much as I do when I tell you I love you and how beautiful you are. Nothing could ever be truer, and in a billion years it will still be true." I said with a voice so choked my words barely escaped my mouth.
It was growing harder and harder to make words come out of my mouth between the lump in my throat and the pain in my chest. But I didn't stop. I had to tell her...I had to make her understand...I had to make her know that she was everything to me. Without her, there was nothing for me, I would be nothing, and she...she was my universe. This was the woman I dreamed of in white with flowers in her hair and standing next to me at the altar. If she knew nothing else...if I failed at all other things in my life...if I were to die in a matter of seconds, I could not leave Jane knowing that I never truly told her just how much she meant to me. I'd swallowed my anguish and my pain and devoted myself to her completely with nothing more than the hopes of seeing her smile once again. But my own pain was just as real as hers; my heart ached just as much as hers and she needed to know that I was not a robot. I was not a liar. I was a woman with eyes to see a heart to love. I saw her, I loved her and I always would.
"When I first saw you in that club Jane..." I started.
But I had to stop and swallow all the pain the memory caused me. I closed my eyes and tried to wipe the tears from my cheeks but it was useless. So many feelings overcame me. My chest felt heavy and my heart was yearning. I looked at her and she was looking right at me, into me, her eyes wide and curious. But she did not seem afraid. She was not breaking, crying or shying away. In that moment she was my strength, and I was the one that was falling. The visions of her in that club clouded my mind with the grief I'd been holding inside, my eyes were bleary with tears and I started crying. I cried so hard my body hurt. I cried so hard I could barely breathe. I cried so hard I thought I would drown in my own tears. Experiencing pain of this depth felt so vivid it haunted me and cut me to the quick. I felt her kisses on my cheeks. I heard her soft words in my ear. She held me tightly. I nuzzled my face in her neck. She played with the fingers on my one hand as I ran my other hand through her soft silky curls. Our lips met in sloppy wet kisses. I could taste her own tears as I took her mouth with mine. Then she moved and I laid her head on my lap. I smiled down at her as my tears dotted her face. I stared at her that way for many long moments. We did not speak, I just held her, looked at her, and curled my fingers in her hair. I tried to smile through my tears. She reached up and touched my face. Her skin was so soft on mine and her touch was so gentle. I took her hand and kissed her wrist and she smiled at me. I ran my finger over her smiling lips and planted the memory in my head. After a long while I finally spoke again, my words were soft barely above a whisper and my heart breathed relief with each movement of my lips.
"When I first saw you in that club Janie...you were covered in blood and beaten and... Your clothes were torn and you were so hurt and exposed. I was so angry and horrified that I wasn't there for you. I let that happen to you. I wanted to tear my eyes out. I wanted to kill the man that had..." I had to pause to let my anger settle. I wiped the tears on my cheeks.
"Janie I wanted to die when I saw you laying there. You were, you are everything to me and I failed you. I should have never opened that case, I should have never done what I did, I should have been with you instead of trying to send you away and that would have never happened to you." I closed my eyes. I brought my hand up to my mouth to hold back my tears. My hand was shaking violently and my body was trembling at the horror of the memory. Jane's eyes went wide. She sat up and pulled me into her and shushed me softly. I lay my head on her shoulder this time as the pain I'd ignored poured out of me.
"...I thought I would die Jane...I thought I would shatter into a million pieces. I was so afraid to touch you, but I couldn't let you go. I just wanted to feel you in my arms. I wanted to touch your heart and heal all your pain I would have laid my life at your feet if it meant I could have made all the pain go away. You are my baby Jane...you are a part of me and seeing you like that...it was like something in me died. I was so scared, and so angry, and so... I knew if you died Jane...I could not and would not live without you. I was so scared...so scared. I saw my life flash before my eyes and all I saw was pain and loneliness. But then there was your face and your smile, your voice, and the memory of making love to you and it was the only part of my entire life that meant anything. You are all the wonderful I know, you are everything to me. Then you cried my name as I held you in my arms, you were so close to death, you were so broken and so hurt and so...but you cried my name and I hated and blamed myself and everything in the world. I wanted it to be me, I wanted to die in your place because I knew in that moment if I lost you...there was nothing left for me in this world and...I needed you. I knew right then I'd never let you go, I'd never let you wake up another day in your life and not know how much you are loved and how much you mean to me. I knew if it took the rest of my life I would show you again that you are so lovely...so beautiful. When I found you in that hallway... I found a faith I did not know I even had, I prayed every day and still do. I found my purpose, I found my strength, and I found wisdom. The wisdom of knowing that all I am belongs to you. I knew I would not fail you, I knew I'd never give up; I will never, ever leave you. I will keep every promise I make to you and the greatest promise of all is that I will always...always love you."
Jane looked up at me with eyes shining brightly with tears. She held my hand so tightly. She held my hand like Angela holds my hand sometimes when she falls asleep in my arms. I could see my daughter's face in her eyes. I could see my hopes, dreams and all the splendor of the world reflected in her face. I saw light, truth, hope, and love. I could see she believed me and between us there would be no more pain. I did not see the face of the man I swore to hate all my life reflected back at me when I looked at her in that moment. All I saw was my princess, the woman I wanted to be my wife, the love of my life, and I was truly happy.
Jane kissed the tears on my cheeks and the bridge of my nose and nape of my neck. When she kissed my lips I wrapped my hands in her hair and it was like the first time again, so innocent, precious, and beautiful. I knew she loved me. Jane pulled out of the kiss but her lips were never far from mine. She looked deeply into my eyes and whispered softly as she spoke.
"Promise me you'll stop blaming yourself for what happened that night. I never blamed you, I know you tried to save me, I know if you could have you'd have traded places with me. But I'm glad it was me instead of you Maura..." Jane said before her eyes lowered and filled with tears. I could see her chest heaving and her shoulders shaking slightly from her sobs. I wrapped her up in my arms and shushed her softly but when she looked in my eyes again I saw just how serious she was even as tears streamed down her face.
"If it had been you Maura...if you had been alone with that man...if he had hurt you...oh God," Jane cried.
She covered her face with her hands and I saw them shaking uncontrollably.
"I'm not strong like you Maura. I couldn't have survived seeing you so hurt; I couldn't have survived knowing you'd been...violated just because you were trying to give me peace over what happened to my family. I couldn't have done what you did for me. I couldn't have looked at you without crying, I couldn't have saved you like you saved me, I can't be anything like you and I would have died. But you're so strong, and so brave, and you...I know you love me. I dreamed of you when I was sleeping after he raped me Maura. You were all I dreamed of, you and Angela. All my happy memories, all my hopes and dreams...they're all of you and her. I fought him Maura. I fought him with all I had. I fought him because I knew...I knew you loved me, I knew you'd want me to fight, I knew I couldn't die because if I did I'd never get to see your face again. I'd never get to see your smile again. I'd never get to watch you play with our daughter and I just couldn't leave you. You had given me a reason to live, hope and love...and ever since I met you...you've become my dream. But when I woke up...I just felt so disgusting. I couldn't even look in a mirror because I thought I didn't fight hard enough. I felt ripped apart and dirty from the inside out, I felt like I'd ruined everything we had. I just knew I wasn't good enough for you anymore; you deserve someone so much better than me. I thought you'd leave me, I thought...I thought... about dying. I… I… I… even… thought of just going away and leaving Angela with y-y-y-you. I did not think you would want me anymore but I thought at least Angela could be safe because I knew you still loved her." Jane paused to wipe the tears from her eyes.
She sobbed softly to herself but she never let go of my hand and I never let go of hers. I let her cry, and I shushed her softly. I ran my fingers through her hair and wiped the tears from her eyes gently. I smiled at her with all my love and I broke inside when she smiled back.
"You never left me. You're still here. Even after he raped me, you're still here." Jane whispered.
I cradled her face in my hand and kissed her lips. Jane opened her mouth for me and we kissed for many long minutes. She tasted sweet like honey and her skin was warm and her soft tongue danced with mine and she was beautiful...always beautiful. When I pulled out of the kiss Jane's eyes remained closed. Her breath was unsteady and her lips trembled. I watched her chest rise and fall and I was grateful for every breath she took. Her very existence was a gift to me and I loved every atom of her being.
"I don't believe for a minute that if it had been me that you would have left me. I know you wouldn't have left me. You are stronger than your know. You're the woman that cursed at my mother for me, you're the woman that stood by me after my dress got ripped off at my own party, you're the woman that didn't laugh or ridicule me when I fell apart during the home inspection. You're the woman that laughs at my awful jokes; you're the woman that thinks I'm being cute when everyone else just finds me annoying. You're the woman that showed me what real love is, what hope is, what dreams are. You're the woman that offered her child to me as my own as much as hers. You're the woman I love and I know you love me too. I was yours the day I met you, from the moment I lay eyes on you, you touched something in me, and something I didn't even know was there. You brought me to life, you are my life, and until my dying breath your face will be the reason my heart beats and your love will be the reason I pray every morning and every night. And when I pray, I will pray for you and our babies. And when I kiss you...I want you to know...that every kiss you give me is one more reason to love you and one more reason to live, because every time your lips touch mine, you make me feel like I'm flying." I said softly.
Jane's eyes were big as I spoke to her. When I fell silent again I saw her chin quiver and the most beautiful smile I'd ever seen covered her face. Even as the tears rolled down her cheeks she just kept smiling. She held my face gently with trembling hands and pulled me into her. My heart leapt in my chest. My breath hitched. My stomach felt like a million butterflies would carry me away. She closed her eyes and I closed mine. Our lips touched. Our hearts touched. Our souls touched. In my mind I could see a billion stars, I could hear the voices of Angels, and I could taste the very essence of life. Her tongue dancing with mine, her soft moan on my lips, her gentle caress on my face, made words useless. There were no words for this. I could never explain what I felt in that moment. The world was not enough for the way I felt for her. When our lips finally parted, a shiver went down my spine and I felt Jane shaking in my arms. I held her close and watched as so many emotions played across her face. She touched her lips and sighed with an unsteady breath. When she finally opened her eyes there was nothing of her I could not see.
Jane
I hurriedly grabbed the ring case from the plumber and slipped him a hand full of twenty dollar bills with a pleading look in my eyes.
"Please don't tell her," I whispered to him frantically.
The plumber looked at the money in his hand and raised an eyebrow at me. It was nine o'clock at night and I knew he'd been roused from his dinner to come to the bed and breakfast and deal with our 'issue' but I couldn't have him telling Maura what was actually flushed down the toilet. Maura was furious and now was certainly not the time to 'pop the question' so to speak. I just knew if I presented Maura with a ring in that moment I'd very likely find it stuffed down my throat, figuratively speaking of course. Besides, it was supposed to be a happy surprise, not a 'here's your engagement ring that just got fished out of the damn sewage pipes,' kind of surprise. I was so miserable and frustrated I could have broken down into tears. Instead, I did my best to put a damper on my disappointment. Maura did not like it when I cried, and if she saw me crying now she would get madder at Angela and the puppy and I didn't want any more anger directed at them then there was already, even if they deserved it. I opened the ring case and breathed a sigh of relief when I saw the ring was actually still in there and was in pretty good shape. The case was ruined but I could get another case and have the ring cleaned. It wasn't a huge diamond by any means. But I smiled when I looked at it anyway. It was very pretty, just like Maura. The three small diamonds sparkled up at me and all I could think of was the first time I met Maura and the way her eyes glowed in the garden's lantern light at the restaurant. Even though that had been the strangest 'date' of my life followed up by so much terror and drama, it was still the greatest thing that had ever happened to me. It brought me the love of my life, the love of my life that was now so angry I wanted to take Angela and FT and run until she calmed down. I sighed as I thought of the way she had kissed me just a few hours ago. I thought my heart would stop it was so loving. And all those sweet things she said to me and the way her eyes looked into mine so deeply had touched my heart to the point of breaking.
But our family, being our family, the world had quickly gotten chaotic. Happy times flushed down the toilet right along with half of Angela's shoes, Maura's favorite watch, a pacifier, a diaper which was the one Angela had been wearing, some of my underwear, Consuela's socks, Consuela's ugly ass Hawaiian shirt, and of all things, the ring I just bought for Maura. It was in my underwear drawer I don't even know how she got to it. I don't even know how Angela got out of her crib. But she recently started walking some again since her surgery and I suspect she probably had some help from FT. As usual, he was in the crib with her and she probably just stood on him and climbed out like a little monkey and then he jumped out after her. As soon as everyone sat down to dinner huge drops of water came pouring through the ceiling landing all over the table, food and us. I thought the sky was literally falling. We couldn't figure out what was going on. Consuela was screeching about her ruined meal and beat at the ceiling with a broom handle which only made bits of plaster fall all over everybody. Maura literally became unglued when she noticed water was coming down the stairs and filling up the entire downstairs. There was so much water I thought poor Bass would float away. There was so much panic in the house everyone was literally screaming at the top of their lungs running all over the house, slipping, sliding, cursing and freaking out. By the time we found out what was going on Angela had flushed so much stuff down the toilet the thing was shooting water like a geyser and she and Franklin Thomas were practically swimming in it. Angela was in the master bathroom flushing the toilet like a little squealing goblin as Franklin Thomas brought her things to flush with a wagging tail and excited eyes. She'd even managed to flush her own diaper. I almost passed out when I realized what they had been doing. Maura turned some kind of purple color and I thought I saw steam coming out of her ears. Consuela started pulling shoes, socks, baby clothes, hair brushes, and all kinds of shit out the toilet. I thought Maura's head would pop right off her shoulders. I tried to turn off the water valves so the toilet would stop shooting water and flooding the house, but I slipped and accidentally broke the valve handles right off the wall making everything worse. Angela just screeched and clapped her hands as she did the toddler high-step walk around the bathroom giggling at all the havoc she created. She was soaking wet and butt naked, Franklin Thomas was drenched and so was everyone else. Maura tried to grab a bucket to stop the water from blasting everyone in the face but the water pressure was so great the bucket flew out of her hands and cracked Consuela full on in the face and she fell and literally slid out of the bathroom right along with all the running water. I wanted to grab Angela and run, but I slipped in the water and landed on my arm. I think that's the only reason FT was still breathing because he was able to escape as Maura drug me out of the bathroom by my foot. Then she grabbed Angela and stomped off with her and I hadn't seen her since. I prayed Maura hadn't suffocated her with a pillow, and though that was unlikely because Maura loved Angela, Maura was also mad as hell! I was scared stiff for FT when Maura finally got a hold of him, but I couldn't chase him down and save him right now. I was under strict orders to remain calm and be still until she came back to check on my arm. The best idea that came to my mind was doing exactly what I was told, giving Maura no further reason to be upset. The plumber watched me studying the ring.
"Is that for your...lady friend?" He asked me softly as his eyes darted toward the door making sure Maura hadn't returned to the room yet.
I sighed and nodded my head.
"I am not sure if she will want it now," I said forlornly.
The plumber looked at me sympathetically and then down at the hard wood floors in the bedroom. We were both standing in what must have been a few inches of water. I still didn't understand how all this happened or where Angela suddenly developed the urge to flush things down the toilet, but she couldn't have picked a worse thing to flush nor a worse way to inflame Maura. The toilet itself was barely attached to the pipes anymore; it was just sitting in the middle of the bathroom floor because somehow FT had managed to tear off a section of PVC pipe that connected the toilet to the sewer lines while everyone was running around trying to find things to soak up all the water.
This was insane and I was so exhausted I just wanted to lie down and sleep. But I couldn't do that and leave Angela and FT alone to be strung up by their toes. Maura walked into our bedroom and looked around. Her heels were soaked and made squishy sounds in the ruined oriental carpet. Her pretty new dress was soaking wet. Her hair hung limp and damp over her shoulders and she was definitely upset. I shoved more money in the plumber's hands before Maura could see and gave him a desperate smile before I turned to Maura.
"Baby...I can clean this up. We can rent one of those carpet cleaner things and soak up all this gross water and it will be like new again. Maybe the owners of this place won't notice." I said backing into my dresser and slipping the ring inside behind my back.
Maura looked around the room and then looked back at me incredulously.
"So tell me…what else did Angela flush down the toilet?" Maura asked in a voice of forced calm.
I could tell she was trying not to blow up. I knew she was upset, she had every right to be. Frankly, I was upset too about the situation as I knew she'd be held responsible for the damages, have to replace the ruined carpets and probably have to fumigate to rid the unpleasant smell from the B&B. But I didn't want her to be angry with Angela, Franklin Thomas or me.
"Um…I...well…it was my fault. I accidentally flushed one of those plastic tampon applicators earlier and it must have made everything worse." I lied.
Maura grimaced at me and gave me her best, 'don't push me Jane' look.
"Janie, you had your period last week." She stated coolly. I giggled nervously and tried to wipe the sweat from my brow, but a sharp pain surged through my broken arm and I winced. Maura was next to me in a second. Any annoyance she had was immediately replaced with worry and concern as she held my arm gently in hers.
"Baby, are you in pain?" She asked me gently.
"No," I lied again trying to pull my arm away, but Maura held it firmly.
She arched her eye brows at me in that way that let me know she was in no mood for my denials. I sighed.
"I'll be ok, Maura. Let's just get this all cleaned up before the owners sue the hell outta you." I pleaded with her.
Something came over Maura's face that made me frown. It wasn't a look of anger or despair. She looked at me sweetly, like I'd said something that amused her. She brushed my cheek with the back of her hand and kissed me softly. I was shocked by her action. I didn't understand why she wasn't yelling, screaming or raging like she usually did when she was angry. We were standing in rancid water in a beautiful home that my baby and my puppy wrecked and we'd only been there a little over a day. But Maura was acting like she didn't even see the water or care I was covered in it. She pulled me into her arms and whispered in my ear.
"Go take a shower sweetheart and I'll finish up here with the plumber. There's a crew on their way to clean this up. I'll redo your cast when I'm finished here ok?" She said softly to me.
I stood back and looked at her skeptically. I was looking for signs that I hadn't heard her correctly, that she really was angry, that her sweet soft words were just a front for the plumber. But when I looked in her eyes I saw the same love I saw earlier if not a little more. Maura brushed my hair from my cheek and kissed me softly again and never let me out of her arms. I wanted to believe that she wasn't furious, but I just felt so guilty. The whole house smelled like sewer water and wet dog. I wanted to spend the night kissing Maura and showing her how much better I was in other 'special' ways, but all my hopes had been flushed down the damn toilet. How could she want to make love to me after all that?
"Angela didn't mean to flush the..." I started but quickly closed my mouth. "She's just a little overactive Maura but when I get a job I can pay you back for the mess and..."
"Honey calm down. You're not working anywhere and my money is your money. I'll take care of this. And our sweet, little daughter just needed some discipline that's all." Maura cut me off.
Her voice was gentle and her eyes were kind. She took my hand and led me toward the doorway of the bedroom.
"You didn't hurt her did you?" I said stopping short.
"Consuela is bathing Angela as we speak and she is ok thank goodness. This could have been so much worse." Maura sighed. Then she looked at me sadly.
"I did spank Angela sweetheart. Honey, Angela needed to know that Maddy was seriously unhappy with what she did and hopefully she at least understands not to do this again. She's too young to understand timeouts, groundings or taking things away. At her age, any punishment has to be swift, given at the same time she does something she shouldn't be doing especially when it can harm her. She could have slipped, hurt herself and what would we do then? She just started walking again Jane. I couldn't bare it if she was injured again." Maura sighed.
I felt my eyes go wide, my heart raced and tears formed in my eyes. I knew Angela had to be punished, but I didn't want her to be hurt. She was still a baby, my baby, our baby. I fretted. I folded my arms against my chest and hugged my body tightly but Maura, ever gentle, wrapped me in her arms again.
I hung my head and wiped my eyes. Maura lifted my face to look at hers. Her eyes were sad and heavy.
"I did not harm her baby. She is my daughter, I love her completely and unconditionally, but she needs discipline sometimes. She gets into everything. She could have broken her neck crawling out of the crib. All kids need limits. Sometimes even the little small ones whose modus operandi is to search and destroy." Maura smiled looking at me. "It was just a few swats to let her know she can never do this again, but she's fine. She'll forget the whole thing by morning. Don't be sad sweetheart I love her so much and I love you. I know you know that don't you?"
Maura's eyes sought understanding and her voice was soft and gentle. She cradled my face in her hand and smiled again at me. Her eyes just wanted to love me and wanted to know I loved her too, and I did...I always would. I nodded my head that I understood and Maura's smile softened. She kissed me again and all sadness faded away.
"Go take a shower Janie and we'll talk in a little bit," Maura said softly against my lips.
...
I leaned my head against the wall of the shower as the water ran down my face. I knew I was crying softly. I was glad to be alone where no one could see me. I was just so tired. I'd tried so hard to be beautiful for Maura and make her happy but it seemed like every time Maura and I got closer, every time I truly felt she loved me more than anything something would happen and wreck everything. I tried so hard to see her smile and hear her laugh. I tried so hard to show her today that I was healing and that her sacrifices weren't for naught. I bought her the best ring I could find with all the money I had to my name and I wanted to ask her to be my wife. When she kissed me earlier, there were moments that I wanted her in ways we had not been together in a month. For weeks I thought I'd never know that feeling again. For the longest time I didn't think I'd ever see Maura's eyes hunger for me the way they did earlier and when I saw that look in her eyes, all I could think of was the ring in my drawer and the two beautiful words I wanted to say to her and only her 'I do'.
But everything just went all wrong. I understood that Angela was only a baby and Franklin Thomas was only a puppy, but why did they have to pick today to turn this place into shambles? It took me three hours to pick that ring for Maura and I actually thought she might like it. I pondered if the ring be worthy of Maura's finger now? How could she consider marrying me when every time she did something nice for me, my baby and puppy ruined it? I sniffled in the shower. I would have fallen apart in my hopelessness but then I felt Maura's arms wrap around me. I didn't jump. I knew they were her arms. I knew they were her kisses on my shoulder. I knew it was her sigh in my ear. I knew they were her hands on my body and I knew her love when I felt it. Maura wrapped her arms around my waist and I lay my hands over hers. She kissed my back and I shuddered.
"Baby," I whispered.
My voice was broken and breathy. Her touch just did something to me. Whenever she touched me it made me feel...everything. Maura turned me around slowly so I was facing her. My eyes beheld the wonder of her beauty and I was speechless. She pulled me into her and we were kissing again. The filth of the murky toilet water and the anger and frustration from moments earlier washed away down the drain forgotten. I wrapped my arms around her neck and she held me in her arms. I loved the feeling of my breasts against hers and her lips on mine and the strength of her arms. In her arms all thoughts of tears were washed away. I heard her sigh softly in my mouth. I felt her body quiver against mine. I felt her hands touch me so gently and I melted into her. Maura pulled out of the kiss slowly. We stood naked with each other as the water washed over us. She leaned her forehead against mine and smiled at me.
"I'm sorry I messed up your vacation Maura," I said sadly.
Maura rolled her eyes and smiled wider. That glimmer of amusement was in her eyes again.
"You haven't messed up anything honey. I told you I'd always love you...you and our little hellion daughter." Maura chuckled in my ear.
"But the house," I said. "It's all...WET and it smells all gross."
Maura sighed.
"You worry too much. Let me worry about that. I told you I've hired people to clean it up." Maura said.
"But Maura all that water. You're going to get charged for damages and stuff..."
"...Don't worry about all that Jane. I'll take care of it honey and I'll take care of you." Maura insisted.
"Maura you worry about everything..."
"...it's my job to worry but I am not worried about the house I'm worried about you. It's your job to focus on healing, getting better and helping to raise our children and build our life together; but it isn't your job to worry when it is unnecessary to do so."
I looked deeply into her eyes. There was something there like burning sincerity. I knew that look. It was the look that said it would be a waste of time to argue. It was the look that said whatever happened, Maura would handle it. She always handled it. Her eyes held strength, more than I'd ever seen before. I hadn't noticed how much she had changed in these last many weeks until that very moment. I nuzzled my face in her neck and kissed her.
"Oh Janie," Maura gasped.
I smiled. As powerful as Maura was, she was still weak for me. The power I felt flooded my body with heat and lust. It coursed through my veins and settled between my legs and I erupted in desire. So powerful was the feeling it almost frightened me and made me unsteady on my feet. But Maura held me close and whispered in my ear and I sighed in contentment and love.
"We can't sleep in the house tonight honey. We'll have to drive back to the city." Maura said.
I frowned.
"But baby I don't want to leave. I love it here so much." I said sadly.
Maura held my chin in her hand and studied me. She seemed happy for some reason, but still I knew she was right. We couldn't sleep in a house with toilet water backed up in it.
"Honey we can come back whenever you like but we can't sleep in a house that's been soaked in sewage water," Maura laughed.
"But I don't want to leave. Can't we sleep outside? There are tents here; I saw them in a closet downstairs. We can camp out and stuff, build a fire, make hot dogs, make s'mores and roast marshmallows. I'm starving," I said as my stomach grumbled.
No one had gotten to eat dinner amidst the fiasco and my tummy was rumbling.
"My baby's hungry," Maura giggled as her fingers tickled my stomach.
I laughed and squealed and sighed in the kisses she gave me. Maura ran her fingers up and down my body as she considered my request. Her touch made me stir with hunger and anticipation. I rubbed my breasts against hers again and smiled when she gasped and pulled back eying me sternly.
"Baby we can't have Angela around a fire," Maura said.
"But there's a stone fireplace on the other side of the gardens. It's not just a pit in the ground so she can't fall in. Besides, between you, Consuela and me we can take turns holding her. It will be fun baby. Roasted hot dogs. YUM!" I said excitedly.
"Honey...don't you want to sleep in a bed?" Maura insisted.
I sighed and grumbled. I knew it was Maura that really wanted to sleep in a bed. I couldn't care less. I'd slept outside in tents and sleeping bags plenty of times. But I doubted Maura had any idea how to even get inside a sleeping bag. I smiled wickedly.
"Are you scared baby? I'll protect you love." I chuckled playfully at Maura.
Maura just looked at me with a half-smirk, half-grin on her face.
"I'm not scared if you're not scared." She said casually.
"Really? Yaaay, camping!" I said excitedly.
Maura just rolled her eyes, but she kissed me anyway.
Maura
Jane lay on top of me kissing me. The ground was hard beneath me but her kisses were soft and gentle and sweet. The night was black. I could hear Consuela's soft snores from her tent next to ours. I knew my baby was sleeping snuggly next to her. I let her sleep with Consuela so Jane and I could continue to talk and be together some. We really needed it after the past month. Franklin Thomas' little feet pattered around the tents outside. I could hear the crickets and the rustling of leaves in the trees as the whisper of wind swept through the branches. The glow of the moon shined through the tent and Jane was beautiful in the soft light of its luminescence. Her hair cascaded over her face and fell in mine. I could taste her on my lips and though I was beneath her I felt like I was walking on clouds. I wrapped her in my arms and savored her warmth. I ran my fingers over her skin and sighed at every kiss she landed on my hungry lips. She moved on top of me, her body kept a rhythm that mine and hers made together and my heart beat in time and my soul swallowed hers. She touched me and I quivered. She kissed me and I moaned. She whispered in my ear and her voice was like a song to me. I kissed her back with the hunger of someone who had spent weeks with nothing more to comfort her than a wish and a prayer that one day she might know this moment. Now, after so long, after so many tears, after so many sleepless nights absent her touch, she was truly kissing me.
Our stomachs were full of hot dogs and s'mores. My mind was calm with wine and I was drunk on the essence of her. I'd never felt so free in all my life. I'd never slept beneath the stars. I'd never had the earth at my back and the true magnificence of the world all around me. I never knew there were such wondrous things outside. I never knew what the world had to offer me, not only in the tangible or visual gifts it gave, but I never knew the world had given life to a soul that was capable of being so close to mine, inside of mine, inside of me. She opened me. She gave me eyes to see, ears to hear and a voice to speak of all the things she taught me. I absorbed every part of her.
Jane's slender body lay atop mine and I wrapped my legs around her waist. She was naked on top of me. Every nerve in my fingers caught fire as my hands ran down her sleek trim body. I lay naked beneath her. I sparked and vibrated with each kiss she landed all over me. I ran my fingers through her hair and whispered sweet words of love to her. I don't know how she got me naked, I don't know when her clothes came off but I loved it, I loved her, and I did not want this moment to end. It felt so good holding her against me and feeling her warm skin. She was mine again, my baby, my princess and forever she would always be. I was moved to so much passion my body arched into hers and lifted her. She moaned at my reaction and ran her hands up my thighs. I felt my legs tremble and stifled an unsteady gasp from escaping my mouth. I wanted her with all that was in me, I wanted her. I'd missed her so much it hurt. My skin was slick with the heat of the night and the heat of Jane's body and my vagina throbbed so badly it was going mad from the sensation.
"I love you so much, Maura." Jane whispered into the darkness.
But there was nothing dark about her words. I heard them loud and clear. They were ablaze with light and my body was ablaze with desire and I started to quiver beneath her. The action was beyond my control. I wanted to be in control and I knew I needed to get under control fast. But I could not control Jane or all the crazy she brought into my life. But somehow I loved her even more for it.
"I love you more sweetheart," I whispered back into the darkness.
I held her face in my hands as she kissed me again. I closed my eyes and I was flying. Her slick body began to move in an all too familiar rhythm on top of mine. She cupped my breasts in her hands and a moan escaped my mouth before I even registered it was happening. She just felt so good on top of me. She felt so good in my arms. My body felt so good in her hands. My hips rose into hers again and she whimpered softly in my ear. She wrapped me in her arms and pulled me up. I straddled her as I sat in her lap and she kissed all the parts of me she loved so much. My head rolled back when she kissed my neck. My breath was unsteady and shaky. My chest heaved. Her kisses were delicate on my breasts like the brushing of a flower petal. She took her time. She savored me. She pulled me into her body and I felt my every cell come alive. I held her loosely just letting my hands lay on her arms softly. My mind knew of her lingering injuries and my touches respected her body without me having to think of it consciously. I knew her, I knew Jane. I breathed her day and night. My mind was never absent the thought of her and it was therefore mindless to touch her without causing her pain. It was mindless to touch her and bring her pleasure; it was mindless to be with her at all. I didn't not have to consider it or my actions, we were one, she was mine...I loved her.
I ran my thumbs over her cheeks as she kissed my breasts again. I kissed the top of her head and smiled as her hair tickled my nose. I shook when she took my nipple in her mouth and started to suck and swirl it with her tongue. That was my wake-up call… oh… Janie… no princess…
"Janie... sweetheart… Not yet baby girl." I whispered as I pulled her back from me gently.
I held her face in mine and stared down at her for long moments. I felt water running over my fingers as I held her face and I knew she was crying. I could not see her face in the darkness but I could see her tears twinkle in the blue light of the moon.
"Please baby. I can make you feel good. I know I can. You don't have to do anything. Just let me try. Please. I miss you Maura. Please do this with me. I'm...I'm better now. I'm not afraid anymore. I want to make you happy." Jane was crying and whispering to me.
"Sweetheart," I said. "Princess"
I tried to wipe her tears with my thumbs but more just came to replace the ones I cleared away. I felt a lump forming in my throat. I didn't want her to hurt. I didn't want her to cry. Lord knows all I wanted in life was to see her smile. I would deny Jane nothing...nothing. Yet, I could not do this right now. Even though my entire body screamed for her and only her, even though my heart ached for her, even though my soul touched her soul in that moment, I could not give myself to her in that way, and I could not let her give herself to me. I'd let my desires dictate many things between us in the past out of selfishness and I'd brought her more pain. I knew she was not ready to have sex and I knew if I hurt her again...I would never forgive myself. I tried to kiss her face but Jane pulled away from me.
"Am...Am I not enough for you anymore? Do you not want to make love to me now that I've been...raped?" Jane's tear-drenched voice angrily trailed off.
I heard her weeping softly but deeply. She pulled herself out from under me and wrapped her arms around her knees rocking back and forth. She grabbed a sleeping bag and covered herself. I reached for her, my heart breaking in little pieces but she pushed me away. I reached for her again and she began to slap her hand at me. But I did not stop reaching for her. I fought off her slaps, her curses, her despondent cries and pulled her into me. I wrapped her in my arms and held her as tightly as she could stand. I ran my fingers through her hair as she cried rocking her back and forth. I kissed her cheeks when my lips could find her face. I let her cry, but I did not let go of her. Finally she settled down, her body stilled some and she let me rock her and sing to her softly. She held my hand tightly in hers and I cradled her body in my arms. I sang to her many lullabies from my childhood, old French songs that always brought me comfort. Even though I knew Jane didn't understand the words, I felt her body relax as my soft soprano voice calmed her. I wrapped her in the blanket as I sang and never stopped kissing her every chance I got. Jane leaned her head on my shoulder and I held my beautiful love against my heart. I wiped the last of her tears from her eyes as I began to speak softly to her.
"Baby you know you're beautiful to me, you know that. But you're not all better yet honey and I love you too much to let you do something you're not ready to do. I've pushed you to do things before that you weren't ready to do and...You don't owe me anything love. When you're ready...really ready...I will lay you down in our bed in our house and make love to you honey until you beg me to stop. And I'll do it over and over again for the rest of our lives. But right now Janie, I just want to hold you and love you and be with you and talk to you...I just want you in my arms sweetheart. Can you just let me hold you tonight baby?" I whispered to her.
Jane was quiet for a while. I could feel the rise and fall of her chest as I held her and the motion calmed me. I felt her fingers running up and down my arm as I held her and the touch made my skin tingle. She leaned her head back and our lips met again. Her body arched as I kissed her and I felt her muscles quiver and her voice sigh softly in my mouth. The fire between my legs had still not left. I wanted her so badly it hurt like crazy. But the glow of her skin in the moonlight was so pretty I felt ecstasy without her even having to touch me there. I opened my eyes from the kiss and looked down at her. I could just make out the shadows of her breasts and what happened inside me was unexplainable. I ran my fingers down the middle of her body and Jane's hand wrapped in my hair. She was shaking and moaning softly. I touched as much of her skin as I could. I cradled her breasts in my hands as I kissed her neck. Her body pushed into mine and I felt my thighs moisten as my breasts slid across her back.
"I love when you hold me like this," Jane whispered.
"I love it when you let me hold you like this," I cooed in her ear.
I felt Jane's lips nuzzle against my ear.
"I'm all yours Maura, everything I am and all that I have is all yours." Her voice was shaky and breathless in my ear and I kissed her.
I felt all the ways her words were true in that kiss. I felt all the ways she loved me and all the ways she still wanted me. Even after all that she had suffered through; I knew she would give herself to me if I asked. And even if it hurt her, even if it caused her pain she would neither cry nor complain. She would surrender to me because she loved me and the knowledge brought tears to my eyes. One day soon I would make love to her again, but not before I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that when I did so she came to me as a complete woman that loved herself as much as I loved her and until then I was content to just hold her. I rocked Jane in my arms and talked of many things. She made shadow puppets in the moon light and laughed when I guessed them all wrong. I tried to tell her a ghost story and she laughed and told me how lame it was. We kissed and giggled and tickled each other and she forgot her tears and she forgot her fears and her laughter was all I'd always dreamed it to be.
"I wish we could live here, it's so pretty here. It reminds me of summer vacation with my family. I was so happy then. Can we come here every summer? I want Angela to love the outdoors like I do and have space to play and Tommy too. I don't think Tommy will like the city; he's lived on a farm his whole life. I think he'd love it here." Jane whispered softly as I held her.
My heart skipped a beat. I lifted her chin to look at me even though we couldn't see each other clearly. But I knew by the tone of her voice she was telling the truth. I smiled from ear to ear. It truly felt like I was dancing on a cloud. Jane was happy here, she loved it here, I was right...I'd found a place where we could be a family and Jane wouldn't hurt anymore. I was so happy in that moment I felt tears streaming from my eyes.
"You really like it here baby girl?" I asked her hopefully.
"Yeah." Jane giggled. "Well minus the flood in there and the weird old people furniture and I think that Oriental carpet needed to be wrecked. Angela did it a favor."
I chuckled to myself.
"As soon as the water is cleaned up, the floors are dried and the toilet is fixed you can start redecorating your new home." I whispered to her.
"What new home?" Jane asked confused.
"This one honey...this house is your new home, our new home." I reiterated.
"What?" Jane said.
"Yes honey, this house...it's ours."
"What do you mean?"
I rolled my eyes.
"Honey I mean I bought it for our family...the house...the bed and breakfast...it's ours."
"You mean this house?"
"YES Jane...this one...the whole farm...everything...it's ours... those damn ducks are yours and FT's though."
"How did you...when did you...how come you...oh my GOD." Jane exclaimed.
I just knew an argument was coming. I steeled myself. I gritted my teeth for the inevitable wave of protest from Jane, but as I opened my mouth to state my case my lips were covered with hers. I was shocked at first, but before I could even focus my mind I was on my back and Jane's body was over mine. I was lost in her again. The love we made that night was nothing more than the sweetest of kisses and the softest of touches. The ecstasy she gave me and the tears that streamed from my eyes did not come from her fingers inside of me or mine inside of her. We rolled in each other's arms; we covered each other's bodies with our own and moaned softly in each other's ears. We kissed so passionately I cried. She touched me so gently, but each action carried the weight of so much love and so much desire that it moved all of me. My pleasure came when she was on top of me again and when her breathless moans rose to meet mine I knew we had reached a place together that we did not know existed. We had not had sex, but she lay spent on top of me and I lay shaking beneath her. She cried herself to sleep that night in my arms. But I knew they were tears of joy. I ran my hands through her hair as she wept and tears streamed down my face. I lay awake all night long after she had fallen asleep on top of me. I cradled her in my arms and whispered all the promises and dreams I had in my heart for her and our family. I prayed I would have many, many nights like this with Jane in my arms in our home and that we would remain in love with each other forever this way. When the first rays of sunlight crept into the tent I finally fell asleep beneath her. And when I dreamed, she was my wife and I was hers, and we were one. Healed, whole and happy.
When we woke up a few hours later, Little Miss Hellion was ripping the door to the tent open yelling something that sounded suspiciously like 'shit'. Angela crawled inside the tent and fell on top of Jane an I. Angela kept saying 'shit' and I told Angela not to say that but Jane couldn't stop laughing. I swatted Jane's butt and looked at her admonishingly and she just grinned and kissed me as Angela giggled and kicked her little feet next to us. Angela had heard the word from all of us last night repeatedly during the plumbing disaster. All of a sudden Jane and I realized at the same time why Angela was saying that word. An unpleasant smell filled the tent. Jane rolled off of me choking and gagging. My eyes went wide. I grabbed Angela to look at the bottom of her shoes and cried out in dismay when I realized she had dog crap all over the bottoms of her tiny sneakers. The last pair she had left!
"OH GOD!" I wailed.
Angela giggled, Jane kept laughing between gagging and coughing. I was beside myself. I pulled off Angela's shoes and tried to crawl out of the tent but my hand landed in a fresh pile of dog poo just outside the tent door and I almost exploded in fury. I caught site of FT a few feet away with his tongue hanging out of his mouth and his tail wagging excitedly. I narrowed my eyes at him as I reached into the tent for a magazine to roll up.
"Come here you." I hissed at him.
