12. Home Again, Home Again

In the aftermath of the quidditch game, the school seemingly decided that he was just a normal young wizard, albeit one with a fantastic amount of power, and things largely returned to normal. Now and again Harry caught Hermione giving him a look he couldn't quite decipher, but she and Daphne were back and talking to him like friends instead of fangirls which was all that mattered to him.

November blew past in a flurry of classes, quidditch practices, study sessions, and raids on the kitchen and soon it was December and snow was falling. Ravenclaw defeated Hufflepuff by a narrow margin, putting the teams second and third respectively in the standings for the Quidditch Cup. As Christmas approached, though, Harry realized he had absolutely no idea what was in the Forbidden Corridor this time around. He still maintained that whatever had injured Cordelia wasn't Fluffy, based on how fast she recovered. But if it wasn't the cerberus… what was it?

There was only one person at Hogwarts he knew he'd be able to get an answer from: Hagrid.

And so that's how Harry found himself battling through knee-high snow one afternoon to reach Hagrid's hut, scarf wrapped tight around his neck as he shivered in the fierce cold. As soon as he reached the front steps, he hammered on the door hard, desperate to get in. Idly, he wondered if Su knew any other elementally inclined students in the school. Maybe Cho… no, she was definitely a water if she had an ability in the elemental arts. Hermione? She definitely had the temperament of a fire. And times like this would definitely make a fire-inclined friend good to have. The door swung open and Harry found himself looking far up into Hagrid's confused face. "Harry Potter? Blimey, I haven' seen yeh since… well, before yer mum an' dad went into hidin' near the end of the last war! Come on in!"

Harry allowed himself to be bustled over to a seat near the fire, taking the large cup of too strong tea that Hagrid gave him. "Err, thanks. No, I just came down because I heard a few students talking about a three-headed dog and… well, you're not the Care of Magical Creatures professor but everyone I asked said you're even better than Kettleburn." Harry grinned and leaned forward. "So, is there a three-headed dog in the school?"

"How'd they find out about Fluffy?"

There was a muffled crash from somewhere in the back room of the hut and Harry whipped out his wand, ready to hex whoever the interloper was. "Rubeus Hagrid!" A disturbingly pale redheaded girl in her late teens, wearing a uniform marked with the yellow and black trim of Hufflepuff, emerged and put her hands on her hips, reminding Harry greatly of Molly Weasley when the twins did something wrong. "Did you or did you not tell me at the end of last year that you'd leave that mutt of yours at home this year? The last thing you need is someone getting bit by one of your pets when you're trying to get Headmaster Dumbledore to give you Kettleburn's job at the end of next year."

Hagrid actually appeared to blush a bit at the rebuke, staring down at his feet as he fidgeted. "Erm, I did leave Fluffy at home, Candace. Hogwarts. This is where I live. I thought ye knew that?"

"I… I… damnit!" Candace stomped across the room, throwing herself down onto the chair next to Harry and crossing her arms over her chest as she sulked. "I can't believe I fell for that one." Suddenly, she jerked upright and rocketed from her chair, spinning in a circle as she regarded the room with wild eyes. "Wait. If Fluffy's still here… where's that runespoor you promised me you were 'bringing home' last summer?"

Looking nervous, Hagrid whistled softly as he tried to look anywhere but at Candace. Then something black and orange dropped from the rafters of the hut, causing Candace to shriek as it landed on her shoulders, the tail curling around her torso. Three heads turned to stare at her, tongues flicking out to taste the air. _§ You rang? §_

Candace screamed, grabbing the six-foot long snake and hurling it at the wall. "Hagrid!"

The runespoor hit the stone wall near the fireplace with an annoyed hiss, surging away from the roaring fire to a slightly safer spot in the middle of the floor. Then, much to Harry's astonishment, the middle head burst into song. _§ Alas, my love, you do me wrong, to cast me off discourteously. For I have loved you well and long, delighting in your company. §_

Swaying back and forth, the left and right heads joined their brother in song. _§ Greensleeves was all my joy, greensleeves was my delight. Greensleeves was my heart of gold, and who but my lady greensleeves? §_

Harry had to bite his lip to avoid laughing out loud at the runespoor's antics, wondering where it'd picked up a muggle song from. Or maybe it was a song that had originated in the wizarding world and seeped out to the muggle masses? Far too often, he'd assumed some historical figure to be a muggle only to have Hermione inform him otherwise. Actually… did it really matter?

As Hagrid stammered apologies and hustled the three-headed snake from the room, Candace huffed and retook her seat next to Harry, rubbing her hands over her arms and shuddering. "Now that we're done with that foolishness… my name's Candace Wiedmaier. Sixth year Hufflepuff. Hagrid's trying to get himself together and apply for Professor Kettleburn's job when he retires and since I really love magical creatures too, I figured I'd help him out by sharing my class notes, telling him what we did for homework, and so on."

"Wicked." Harry wondered if there'd been a Candace in his own universe that was responsible for Hagrid's ascension to teacher in his third year. Maybe down the road he could get a pensieve and examine his memories of the first two years' mealtimes to see if he could spot her. "So, you don't like the runespoor or Fluffy? Have something against animals with three heads?"

Candace shook her head, waving her wand and summoning a photo off the mantle above the fireplace. In it, Hagrid stood over Fluffy like a proud father, petting the dog's back as the heads took turns licking the face of a laughing Candace. Back then, though, the cerberus had only been slightly bigger than a large muggle dog. "It's nothing against Fluffy, but now that he's huge… he's a risk to the students. I just don't want anyone to get hurt. Then again, I'd take Fluffy over that runespoor of his. At least you can calm Fluffy down with some music. That runespoor is just plain dangerous. If you get bit by the right head… well, your head of house is going to be writing a letter to give your parents their condolences."

Hmmm. As funny as a snake that could keep itself company sounded for a pet… he probably wouldn't be able to convince his parents to let him buy one if they were that poisonous. Drat. Harry nodded, giving an exaggerated wince as well. "Yeah, I can see why you might not like the runespoor. So what about Fluffy? Where do you get a three-headed dog from, anyways? Duplication charm gone horribly wrong? Transfiguration homework of yours that you got a Troll on?"

"I bought him off a Greek chappie I met in the pub las' year." Hagrid emerged from the other room, short one runespoor. "I was goin' to sell him off to be a guard at a magical animal reserve, but Dumbledore wanted me to keep him around in case we needed a new guard for…" He trained off and winced. "Never you mind."

Leaning over, Candace nudged Harry in the ribs. "That's about as far as I've heard him go. One time, he mentioned someone named Nicholas Flammel. It's all terribly mysterious. Makes me want to go up to that corridor and see what Fluffy's guarding, now that they replaced whatever attacked Cordelia Cram with a beast I know how to get past."

Harry nodded, finding himself with a lot of answers to his questions. Fluffy was the second guardian; Cordelia had gone up against something else and been hospitalized… probably obliviated so she couldn't share tales of her encounter, too. But if Fluffy was there now and had the same weakness as his universe's Fluffy, he was all set. Idly, he wished Lara was already at Hogwarts. It would have been interesting to pit her… unique talents… against Fluffy.

"_Tempus_!" Smoke emerged from the end of his wand, curling to form the time. Harry gave another overdone wince and set his cup of tea down, making a show of adjusting his hat and scarf. "Well, I need to get up to the library. Promised Su and Hermione I'd go over this week's transfiguration assignments with them. Hagrid, Candace, if you want to use me as a test student, I'd love to come hear about magical creatures some time. Just send an owl up to the castle."

As he hurried out the door, mind buzzing with plans regarding Quirrell and the Sorcerer's Stone, Harry winced as Candace's voice reached his ears. "You may have a good reason for Fluffy, Hagrid, but what's your excuse for that damned runespoor still being around?"

Poor Hagrid.

On the list to go home for the holidays this time around, Harry found himself sneaking out of Gryffindor Tower one night to complete something he'd done a week or so later in his original universe. Without his invisibility cloak, he had a bit harder of a time of things, but he still knew the school better than anyone alive short of the headmaster and he easily reached the room housing the Mirror of Erised without being caught. Even if he didn't find it, the mirror would inevitably be moved to become part of the Stone's defenses and Harry found himself quite curious about what he'd see reflecting this time around, now that his parents were still alive.

Stepping in front of the mirror, Harry took a deep breath and slowly lowered the intricate mental shields that kept him protected from outside intrusions. As the layers fell away one by one, an image gradually appeared in the mirror, growing more and more distinct as he revealed more of his mind to the magical artifact. Then the last barrier dropped, and Harry stared at the result.

He knew his subconscious worked in odd ways, but… wow.

A version of himself in his late teens was sitting on a throne-like chair, Voldemort's decapitated head impaled on a pike beside it. For some reason, his mirror self's hair caught his eye for a moment: it was longer than he'd ever kept it in either world and deep red, darker than his mother's but still lighter than his existing jet black mess. Kneeling at his feet were the same elfin Daphne, serene Su, and busty strawberry blonde Luna as he'd seen in his dreams. All three were armed: Daphne was in possession of Mjolnir and Luna toyed idly with the head of Rensaren, while Su knelt calmly between them with the weapons he'd seen her working out with beside the lake resting against her thighs. Off to the left of the chair, a rather smug looking Hermione stood between the twins with one arm around each girl's waist. And on the opposite side, Lara allowed herself to be doted on for a moment as Lily fussed with her hair before batting at her hands and pulling away, leaving Narcissa to snicker at their byplay and Carina beside her mother, looking down her nose at all of them.

Moving closer, Harry studied the odd apparition, wishing he was dealing with a pensieve instead of a magical mirror so he could walk all the way around the odd tableau and examine it from all sides. Defeating Voldemort… that was a clear and understandable desire. No Voldemort, no dead loved ones. Hermione with both his sisters… at least then he wouldn't have to worry about boys, either in terms of dating his little sisters or disrupting the flow of the group by putting demands on Hermione's time. He'd probably freak out a bit more when - or preferably if - it came to pass, but for now he was just going to nod and smile and accept the easy explanation. Lara still being in his life… he liked having a few good close friends instead of a lot of acquaintances. Maybe that's what she represented?

His mom and Narcissa… well, he got on a lot better with Cissa than he did with James Potter. And his father was only a hair below Lucius Malfoy these days on his worthless prick list. Was it any real surprise that he wanted them both out of the picture and the two adult women in his life happy together? Carina was a bit of a package deal; if Lucius was dead or imprisoned, someone would have to finish raising the Malfoy heir…ess? Heir? Whichever.

That just left the matter of the three gorgeous young ladies kneeling in front of his doppelgänger. Luna was by far the most affectionate, rubbing her cheek against his mirror self's knee as she stared out at him. His older self leaned forward, burying one hand in Luna's thick strawberry blonde mane even as the other alternated back and forth, running through first Su and then Daphne's hair.

So he wanted to defeat Voldemort and then live a happy life surrounded by hot female friends? He could get behind that plan. Harry slowly began to reconstruct his occlumency shields, the image in the mirror fading away as the enchanted object's magic lost its hold on him. But yeah, that sounded about right. After all, what was a good life without good scenery? Not that he had anything against ugly girls… well, he disliked Millicent Bulstrode and Pansy Parkinson, but very little of that had to do with their appearance…

He didn't return to the Mirror of Erised again after that first night.

When classes finally let out for Christmas, Harry found himself joining his friends on the Hogwarts Express despite his wishes. While some of his powers were out in the open now, as enjoyable as staying at the far quieter and less cramped school for a few hours and then teleporting to London sounded, he wanted to keep at least a little something in reserve. Maybe he'd have a little fun and dive off the train a bit outside of town and fly the rest of the way to King's Cross.

So instead of enjoying a bit of alone time in Gryffindor Tower with nobody to bother him, Harry found himself in a compartment on the train as it chugged towards London. Thankfully the company was good, as Su and Hermione got in some last minute transfiguration practical work before the latter returned to a house targeted by a Ministry sensor and Daphne seemed content to just spend time with him, absent-mindedly pitching in a piece of advice here or there.

Looking down at the head resting on his shoulder, Harry smirked. Or rather she had been pitching in advice. At some point, she had lost interest in Hermione's compulsive studying and dozed off on him, clutching his arm possessively as she snuggled against his side. Harry was actually glad to have her there, the more he thought about it; he'd noticed girls ranging from first year all the way up to seventh eyeing him and quite frankly, it creeped him out. Especially since while he did know most of them from his past life experience, most of them hadn't even talked to him so far in this one. Daphne made an effective shield, being from a prominent pureblood family ranking just shy of the Malfoys in the grand scheme of things. And the reputation she'd gained for hexing Neville her first night at Hogwarts certainly helped matters. As long as he kept her close, she kept the girls outside of his circle of friends far, far away.

Honestly, Daphne was a bit of a mystery to him. Every time Harry thought he had her figured out, she went and did something that reminded him that girls were a breed of creature more bizarre than anything Hagrid brought to class. She'd been downright hostile to Neville and then latched on to Harry despite assertions she wasn't looking for something yet, ranged from politely affectionate in public to downright cuddly in private… maybe she figured that since he was a decent boy from a prominent pureblood family, she could likewise use him as a shield and count on him not to take advantage of their closeness? It made his head hurt sometimes. Not quite as much as his old curse scar, but close.

Thankfully, the universe picked that moment to provide Harry with something to distract him from the Daphne issue, in the form of Longbottom and friends invading his compartment. "Potter."

"Wow, after four months sharing a dorm, you know what my last name is." Harry gave a mocking little clap at that. "Congratulations. I'm sure we'll have you remembering my entire name by the end of the year."

Longbottom bristled a bit at the condescending tone in Harry's voice, as well as the giggles that came from the girls in the compartment. "Listen, Potter, you've shown that maybe you're not as useless as I thought. So I figured I'd give you another chance." Stepping further into the compartment, he put himself between Harry and Su and Hermione, holding out his hand. "I'm feeling generous, so I'll even let you bring Daphne along even though she had the bad taste to choose your friendship over mine. All you need to do is stop hanging out with these two losers."

The mention of her name had Daphne stirring but Harry squeezed her thigh in warning before pulling his arm from her grasp and rising from his seat, chuckling softly as he watched Longbottom scramble backwards. "Unless you want Pomfrey to have to make another visit to the Express to fix you up, Longbottom, I strongly suggest you get the hell out of here." Harry took a step toward the Boy-Who-Lived, but surprisingly enough his opponent held his ground. "Now. Or do you want to see if you do any better against me than an adult mountain troll?"

"What are you going to do, try and zap me with real lightning? Please, Potter. The Ministry would have you carted off to Azkaban before you even had a chance to blink. After all, I'm the Boy-Who-Lived." Longbottom grinned widely, spreading his arms out away from his body. "Go ahead. Try your luck."

Harry pondered the invitation, before deciding to accept it. After all, maybe another round of 'Abuse the Wanker' might encourage Longbottom to seek entertainment elsewhere in the future. Surging forward, Harry wrapped his arm around Longbottom's throat, twisting so the pudgy boy was forced to turn and present his front to Hermione. The muggleborn was waiting, planting her fist in Longbottom's gut before bringing her knee up roughly into his crotch. Harry let go as the Boy-Who-Lived wheezed and tipped over, curling into a ball with his hands over his privates. "Hmm. That was pretty lucky, eh?"

Snorting in laughter, Hermione settled back into her seat and grabbed the book she'd set down between her and Su upon Neville's entry. "You don't need luck to beat Neville Longbottom. I'd say all you need is a pulse, but I'm pretty sure zombies and vampires would be able to take him too."

"True, true." Harry retook his seat next to Daphne, eyeing the trio of shocked boys in the doorway. "Well? You're his minions. Make yourselves useful and drag him out of here. Especially with how hard Hermione hit him in the stomach; he's probably going to puke any minute now and I don't want that stench in here." The trio glared at him but got to work, Dean and Seamus each grabbing under one of Longbottom's arms as Ron grabbed the feet. "Good boys." Drawing his wand, Harry closed the door behind them and locked it before returning his attention to his friends. "So, who's doing what for the holidays?"

Su and Daphne seemed a bit ill at ease after the casual display of physical violence from Harry and Hermione, with Su recovering first. "I know I'll be portkeying to Hong Kong for a few days to spend time with my relatives. Most of the family holds dual citizenship but lives there for tax reasons. I'll be back in the country on the 30th, though, if you want to get together for New Years?"

"I'll be at home for the entire holidays, but maybe we can meet there for New Year's?" Daphne pointed at each of them as she went around the compartment. "Su, I doubt your parents want people storming the house right after they get back from vacation. Hermione, no offense, but you're a muggle. Getting there and back would be hard for Su and I because you're not on the floo network. Probably Harry too, even though his mother is a muggleborn and knows how to get around in that world. Harry, you have siblings. Well, I have one, but you have a two, so I'm the lesser evil."

Made sense to him. Harry knew he'd have a lot more fun without having to worry about Jasmine or Rose wandering in to bug him or, even worse, his mother blowing something up in the kitchen and requiring assistance. The logic was sound, but it wasn't entirely his decision. "Well, it sounds like a good idea to me. Su? Hermione?"

Su shrugged and turned toward Hermione. "Up to you. Daphne's right, I don't think my parents would take too kindly to me throwing even a small party right after we get back into England."

"Why's everyone looking at me?" Hermione pointed back at Harry. "I'm at your house from Boxing Day until we go back to school. My parents are coming over for New Year's Eve, but I'm sure they'd rather talk with your parents than baby-sit me, so they probably won't mind if I'm at Daphne's with you."

Harry blinked and sat up a bit straighter at that bit of information. "Wait, what? When did that happen?"

Sighing, Hermione slouched a bit in her seat so she could kick him in the shin. "I knew you weren't actually paying attention to me when I spoke. I told you about that the night my new quidditch pads arrived… and after the game… and the day we had to put our names on the list to go home… and last night…"

"Oh. That'll teach me to just assume you're lecturing and tune you out." Harry grinned and dodged another kick, trapping Hermione's foot with his legs. "So, not that I mind or anything, but why are you moving in for most of the hols?"

Hermione scowled and tugged, trying to free her foot. "I should just leave you wondering, seeing as how I told you that four times already too. But, since I'm feeling generous, I'll tell you a fifth time. When your mother was helping make my pads, Jasmine asked me if I'd come over and let her try her hand at chaser against me sometime. Since your family was covering the materials and your mum was doing all the work, I felt a bit guilty and figured it was the least I could do. Then your mom went and asked if I wanted to come over for part of the Christmas hols, Jasmine looked really excited at the prospect of getting to fly against me sooner rather than later, and so I agreed."

And so it began. As best Harry remembered from his original self's journal, he was the only one of the three children who took after his father and had an interest in flying or sports. So Hermione had obviously caught Jasmine's eye at some point - had his mother come to Hogwarts when he was otherwise occupied to work with Hermione face-to-face and brought the twins? But if his dream was somehow prophetic and Jasmine and Rose would end up sharing Hermione, this might be how they started growing closer. And in his dream, one twin had been a bit more athletic looking than the other, with the other possessing a softer and more voluptuous figure. This would explain why: Jasmine was engaging Hermione using quidditch as an in, and Rose would probably appeal to her bookish side. He could ponder his potentially prophetic dreams later, though. Participate in the conversation at hand now. "Right then. Party at Daphne's house." Harry looked down at his raven-haired limpet. "Assuming your family won't mind, of course."

Daphne grinned up at him in a way that sent shivers down his spine. "Oh, I'm certain they'll approve. After all, Mummy and Daddy are quite interested in meeting you."

Well. That was ominous.

"Harry!" Harry spun around to find a familiar head of red hair cutting through the crowd toward him. His mother looked a bit harried, wrapping an arm around him even as her wand blurred into motion, shrinking his trunk and summoning it before tucking it away into a pocket of her muggle jeans. "Listen, I don't know what you did and I don't want to hear about it now. But unless you want a public scene with the Longbottoms, we need to get out of here, now."

Harry rolled his eyes but allowed himself to be pulled away, waving to his friends. "I'll owl you guys!" They waved back and then Harry turned forward to keep from tripping over something as he was dragged along. "I don't suppose you have a portkey to get us out of here, do you?"

Shaking her head, Lily continued to guide him toward the end of the platform and the complex web of rail lines beyond. "Sorry, sweetie, we were supposed to go by floo but the Longbottoms were between where I found you and the fireplaces. I know you hate it, but I'm going to have to side-along you back to the house."

Like hell she was. If there was one thing Harry hated more than getting dropped on his ass by a portkey trip, it was being dragged through apparition by someone else. So much for his desire to keep this particular ability hidden. "Or we could take the Rensaren Express home." His mother gave him an odd look and Harry flicked his wrist, wand dropping into his hand and quickly transforming into an axe. He waited until they were on the very edge of the platform, not out of concern for the anti-apparition wards but out of a desire not to put a lightning bolt through the roof of the station, before pulling his mom in for a one-armed hug. "Hang on."

"Harry, what are you…" Harry thrust Rensaren into the air, feeling the tingling wash over him as his body turned into electricity and shot up into the air, twisting through the sky before slamming back to earth in Godric's Hollow, depositing he and his mother in the front yard. "…going to do?" She looked around incredulously, spinning in a quick circle before turning to Harry. "How did you..?"

Grinning, Harry held up his axe before reshaping it into a wand and tucking it away. "Magic."

Lily let out a snort of laughter at his flippant answer before composing herself and narrowing her eyes at him. "Now, young man, you have two choices in front of you. Either we're going to sit down in the kitchen and you can tell me why Frank Longbottom was talking about having you put in a holding cell for assaulting his son… or we're going to sit down in the kitchen and have a nice long talk over hot chocolate and biscuits where you tell me everything you know about that wand of yours, and I'll let you and your father handle the Longbottom issue."

"You know, I am in the mood for some hot chocolate…"

By the time James was done at work and had returned home, it was time for a slightly late dinner and the impending scolding was put on hold for the delicious meal of roast chicken, potatoes, and mixed vegetables that Harry and his mother had put together for the family. In the end, the inevitable had to come to pass and Harry found himself escorted into his father's study.

"Now, I know you think you know why you're in here but you're wrong." Harry opened his mouth but his father held a hand up to stall him. "I don't have the time to deal with your discipline; you know that falls to your mother - no matter how often she tries to foist it off on me - because she's the one around to enforce it. There won't be any legal fallout from your little tiff with Frank's boy because your friends gave statements to another auror who was at the station and he backed down after his son's instigating came out."

Oh. Harry blinked stupidly. That was unexpected. Well then, if he wasn't in trouble… "Why do you need to talk to me, then?"

His father sighed, opening one of his desk's drawers and pulling out three thick letters that he then laid on the desk. Removing his glasses, James rubbed the bridge of his nose for a moment. "Your grandfather Charlus was a rather forward-thinking wizard for the time and so any families that came sniffing around with an interest in marrying into the family were politely but firmly sent on their way. So I'm not quite sure how to handle my eleven-year old son receiving three marriage contract offers before the halfway point of his first year at Hogwarts."

Leaning in, Harry plucked the three letters off the desk and gave them a slow once over before returning his attention to his father. "What exactly am I supposed to do with them, then?"

"Read them, for one. After that, either write a letter to any you want to immediately decline or visit them to do it in person. If there are any you'd like to keep and entertain, I suppose we just hang onto it." James shrugged, running the tip of his wand over each lens of his glasses before returning them to his face. "If that's the case, I recommend talking to your Uncle Sirius or… Aunt Narcissa… about how to handle things. Like I said, my father took care of things so I never had this problem growing up."

Harry nodded, inwardly smirking at the expression his father had pulled at being forced to say 'Aunt Narcissa'. And here the man thought she was just a friend of his wife's and the spouse of a man he hated. If he only knew. "Alright, I'm going to go upstairs and open these, then try to figure out what work I have left to do over the holidays. Sooner that's done, the more time I have for flying and other fun stuff." His father nodded approvingly and Harry made his way out of the man's office, waving to his mother as he passed through the living room and thundered up the stairs to the second floor.

As soon as his door was shut behind him, Harry took a deep breath and opened the first envelope. Pulling out the letter inside, he unfolded it and skimmed through the fairly standardized opening language until he found the name he was looking for: Daphne Greengrass. Well, that was a surprise in a way that wasn't. After his little display on Samhuinn, of course her parents would be eyeing him as a potential spouse for their darling daughter. But she was one girl. Who were the other two from?

Harry stuffed Daphne's letter back into the envelope and set it aside, staring at the other two suspiciously. Neither had any sort of curse or hex on it, though, so they were theoretically safe enough to open. Picking one of the two at random, he opened it and scanned to see who sent it. Blaise Zabini? Oh wait, he was a she here and so that wasn't quite as disturbing as his first reaction. Still. Dear God. He didn't even know her. Grabbing the other letter, Harry tore it open. What was next? Pansy Parkinson? Romilda Vane? Astoria Greengrass, offered up by her parents in case his affection for their eldest was purely platonic? Both Patil twins?

The answer ended up being one of the few that he didn't guess: Luna Lovegood.

What the bloody hell?