Chapter Three: Attraction
…
The fact was, I didn't have anything that could be remotely called tenderness. When I finally came to realize that the whole Kurosaki household was indeed a happy and loving lot, I instantly recognized this as a signal to keep my distance. Detached and hardly caring, I went about my own business, as if my existence hardly had any consequence. The plan I had for myself was to be an indifferent fuck around the house. Somehow the shit worked. It was a plan that had worked a short time until my li'l bro had taken it upon himself to view Ichigo Kurosaki as the big brother he had never had.
Today, I had just arrived home from the daily training sessions. Coach Muruguma of late had been getting more and more rigid with his enforcements as the elimination rounds drew near. As it was, my nerves would never rest even after the grueling training drills. Upon reaching the entry of my new abode, I was greeted by the sight of my half-brother, stepbro and stepsisters. Convening in the foyer and dressed neatly, they must have had some pre-arranged gallivanting somewhere.
"Thsee you later, Grimmy!" Szayel piped up, his voice brimming with excitement.
I hazarded I gaze at Ichigo, who was fishing for his father's car key from the wall. When he was all set up to walk out the door with his siblings, he turned to me.
"We'll be back before eight." His remark concluded their departure, and before long they were toddling toward the doctor's SUV.
And why, pray tell, was Szayel holding his goddamned hand? Jesus. It wasn't until three minutes later when the car's engine was heard. Hence, like a prolog to an unending rant, I walked over to the kitchen to ask my mother.
"Does he even have a driver's license?"
I knew he did, but the desire to argue with her was so thick on me I had to solicit for an obvious answer within full earshot of my stepfather, who answered,
"I taught him how to drive when he was fifteen. He received his license over four months ago, exactly when he turned sixteen. No need to worry, Grimmjow."
Mother then smiled affectionately at his new husband. What neither of them cared to heed, however, was my increasing irritation resulting from what I couldn't exactly tell. But I was annoyed as hell anyway, and I really had to express it the way I wanted to, so I babbled,
"You sure they aren't gonna ram some lamp post somewhere—"
"—Grimmy!" Mother of course interjected, mortified, "What a horrible thing to say! Ichigo is a very responsible youth, and I suggest you start taking examples from him!"
I shrugged in response, whereas Dr. Kurosaki barely took his eyes off his morning paper. The sight of him, of his outstanding complacency, disposed me once and for all to a particular conviction: I would, with all my resources, make his marriage miserable.
"Just sayin'."
Without awaiting further response, I proceeded to my room. In an effort to kill boredom as much as possible, I plugged in my PS3 and loaded some game that looked decent enough to offer fun that should last as long as I wanted it to.
…
I started hearing noise from downstairs. My stepsiblings and half-brother had arrived home. And so in no time flat, li'l bro appeared on my doorway with Ichigo trailing behind him.
"Grimmy, look!" He was feverish with excitement, and to emphasize his mood he was waving this miniature Red Octane guitar for Xbox 360 Guitar Hero and Rock Band titles.
"Where'd ya get that? You don't have a 360." I told Szayel, to which Ichigo answered,
"I have. We're playing in my room, so feel free to drop by."
Szayel then started pressing the multi-colored buttons of his new toy, disposing my imagination all at once to the sort of joy one could derive from playing Rock Band with a five-year old. I so wanted to roar with laughter at what misfortune Kurosaki had just brought upon himself. But while my inner wickedness was running its course, Szayel grabbed his new brother by the hand, and before long he was pulling the teen out of my sight, leaving me more than ready to slam the door with all my might.
My breaths were crowding in faster than my lungs could accommodate.
I was angry, but what else was I feeling? Surely, the anger loomed less definite, but more intense all the same. It was as if I was… hurting for a reason quite different to me. At the very heart of things, I had always known I was bound to be alone in the long run, as no one really understood me, not even that heartless prick Ulquiorra. In addition to that, I was never the type to be injured by the mere presence of jealousy, and yet some strange feeling was taking its toll on me. Did Szayel prefer him over me? The question was eating me whole.
This terrible state of uncertainty dragged on until it began to fade layer by layer. And just then my mobile phone started to ring. It was my math teacher, Shizuka. Presently I was in no mint condition to chat, much less to fuck, so I ignored the call. Within seconds of ceasing to ring, the bloody phone went off vibrating like crazy to announce a text message.
Busy tonight, dear? Husband's away. Drop by now. it read.
I stared mutely at the screen with undisguised terror. For the first time, I was dreading her invitation. But the terror soon left me, and even sooner than its complete disappearance was the dawn of some fury I didn't see coming. All I knew was, I was feeling a special kind of anger, the kind which could very much lead to real violence.
Of course my gallivanting with her couldn't be qualified as statutory rape as far as the law was concerned. That was because I was eighteen and therefore of legal age. To top it off, I had to keep all these unspeakable shit to myself. All these secrets, these sharp, dirty thorns on the side were communicable more by my horrid conduct than by some straight confession; all because I had no fucking choice but to bottle everything inside lest I ruin myself.
But wasn't I ruined already?
The world, however, wasn't done yet. For the second time, my phone vibrated yet again to reveal another message. It was from Hisagi Shuhei, my fucking teammate and the star Running Back of the team.
Guys, I need your shoe sizes now. Coach is ordering us brand new pairs for the next game. Reply ASAP.
Just what the fuck? First and fucking foremost, I was team captain, therefore the conscious part of my brain was suggesting I ought to be the one to disperse coach's messages to my moron teammates; not this sophomore so-called ace! Consequently, my shitty mind was chastising me by recalling certain rumors. The unverified reports were saying I would soon have to forfeit captaincy as I was becoming less and less punctual in the training sessions—not to mention the obvious decline in my performance. Moreover, Kensei-sensei had of late been having speculations about my cleanliness… well, I had always been in the habit of smoking pot once in a while, but not as frequently as to jeopardize my health. To hell with that!
This time, I began to see my life for what it really was; meaningless shit. So, as nothing I could say or do would make this stop, I opted to vent my vexation to the one who had brought me to this world in the first place; I ambushed my mother in the kitchen. Luckily, stepfather had retired to their room.
"Who's my father?"
She frowned. A closer look would've confirmed she was more than arrested by this sudden query.
"What is this all about, Grimmy?"
"I asked you a question."
"And I'm asking you to use appropriate language."
"Just who the hell is he? Why won't you fucking tell me?"
She shook her head disdainfully, while I ignored the provocation she was bold enough to offer. Truly, we were mother and son on the surface, but quite equally capable of serious hatred, and right now we were detesting each other. Within seconds, she answered nevertheless,
"In time. You've only been eighteen for a few months. Before you turn nineteen I'm sure he'll enter your life. Not now, though."
That, unfortunately, failed to cause my anger to subside. As a result, I deduced this sort of incident was the type that was better off unresolved. And so I announced, grabbing her car keys from the counter,
"I'm off. Don't ask where I'm going."
"I hope you're only driving to Ulquiorra's place."
…
It was raining outside. The intensity of the downpour would have troubled me at any time before now, for this sort of rain entailed inconveniences and rules of its own, but I was too infuriated to feel anything besides. On I drove, drove like a devil through the hazy streets, while the drops of rain exploded like fucking pellets against the roof of the car. Without realizing where I was steering the car to, I was greeted by the familiar rows of streetlamps. This was the ground of our previous home. Finally, wishing to be spared of other anxieties, I heaved myself off the vehicle and stood in front of our old gate. I sat down the stone steps, clutching my head, while it rained for fucking effect, just like in movies. Like most of my actions, this one wasn't premeditated and, in line with that, I had no idea what I was doing nor what I wanted to happen in the near future.
Suddenly the rain ceased. Within the same second, I perceived neither a clearing in the sky nor a brief reprieve in the weather's onslaught, but I did perceive something. In fact it didn't require a second look on my surroundings to discover it was still raining all around except in the small open space in which I was confined. I looked up, to find someone holding an umbrella over me.
Ichigo Kurosaki.
"She didn't ask me to follow you; I volunteered." He explained curtly, sounding as though he would never have spoken on his behalf if he had any means of avoiding it. Looking like a total jock, he had on a red varsity jacket, with the Karakura Gakuen Soccer Team's emblem patched on one breast.
Not knowing in the least what to say to that, much less decide on a consequential action, I rose to my feet in an abrupt movement, whereby he lifted the umbrella higher to accommodate my height. But his complacent and yet commiserating eyes were like pinpricks to me, because all they did was to assert my vulnerability.
"Mind your own fucking business."
"I would have done exactly that, but Szayel saw you grab the keys on your way out and, well, he dashed after you. But you were already gone."
"What do you want, brat?"
"If it were up to me, I'd say nothing. But, as I care deeply for your mother and brother, I'm asking you to come home."
"This is my freakin' home!" My index finger flew to the direction of my old house.
"Not anymore."
The look he was giving me implied he could treat people with consideration when they deserved it, and right now I hardly deserved it. Even so, I felt myself justified for acting this way. Therefore I grew more certain that I was right about a lot of things and if I was wrong it didn't matter. But he was studying me in the darkness more intently now, an action which heedlessly summoned something in me.
Just like that, it occurred to me that, more than anything, I wanted this serious gap in my life to be filled. I wanted this constant anger and discontent to completely disappear. And, while this desire welled up at the back of my throat, he slipped off his varsity jacket, with difficulty, as he was holding an umbrella after all. He handed it to me. It was here when I discovered that life experiences divided us instead of our differences in character. We were different, but it could be helped if we...
Just what was this grand shit my mind was pulling?
Did I want to trade places with him, so I wouldn't have to guess who my father was, and wouldn't have to be repeatedly sexually violated by a teacher? So that Szayel would see me as a brother worth worshipping, if not looking up to? Did I want to be this responsible all-around goody two-shoes, whose athletic capabilities didn't get in the way of his academic performance? To be a varsity player and an honor student at the same time?
Not one of these, apparently, was the answer. It might have been much and many times more unusually penetrating than any of the above. Maybe, just fucking maybe, I somehow wished to trade places with my little brother, so that this other brother would accept me as I am, on my own terms, and fill what gap there was to fill. To say I was going crazy might just be an understatement now.
All of a goddamned sudden I so wanted to kiss him, under this fucking rain.
Just great.
The bigger question, however, was, would he let me?
TBC
