Only two today I'm afraid, but in my defence, this one is really two chapters, I should really split it, but I couldn't face renumbering the rest of the files. We're nearly over the worst now… Thanks as always to my lovely reviewers.
Chapter Nineteen
Tuesday 4th June
'Do you think of her when you're with me?'
Harry knocked lightly at Candy's office door at 6:30 exactly. He was hoping he wouldn't have to sit through another meal with her. He wasn't entirely sure what her reaction to him today would be.
"This one starts at 7:00," she said brusquely. "We'll just grab a sub on the way, is that ok?"
"Suit's me fine," Harry said looking at his shoes.
Candy walked out from behind her desk and stood in front of him, right up in his face.
"I'm not who you think I am," she said. "I do have a heart, despite reports to the contrary."
He looked into her eyes then. There was a slight hint of vulnerability there, as if his earlier rejection had stung and not just her pride.
"Do you have everything?" Harry asked.
"Yes, can you do the spiel tonight, I've been in meetings the whole day and my brain's fried."
"Sure," he agreed as they walked to the elevator. "So where's the best place for sub's round here? I'm assuming we're not going to Subway?"
"No, we are not." She said with a shudder. "We'll go to Defonte's best meatball subs in the City."
The small shop was heaving; the chattering of the people in the queue was almost drowning out the overly loud sound system, but whoever was singing Harry could hear they were putting their heart and soul into the song. The temperature was even hotter inside the shop than the sweltering temperatures outside, Defonte's might make the best subs but he didn't think much of their air conditioning. Candy thrust a ten dollar bill into his hand. "Make mine a meatball sub, no cheese," she yelled and went to stand outside under the brown awning.
Harry panicked at the counter when he realised Candy hadn't specified what kind of bread she wanted, but fortunately there wasn't a choice. How could even ordering a sandwich be so complicated in this country?
He had to agree with Candy the subs were good though and the East Side was less scary than the West Side. At least at this school the chairs weren't bolted to the floor. He'd seen poverty and poor social provision in the UK, but the gap between the haves and have nots here was vast and they were all living on each other's doorsteps.
With the seminar over Harry was surprised to find the evening was cooler, 'fine' would have been the British description. The daytime temperature in the City, meant walking anywhere during the day was becoming unbearable, or at least required a change of shirt. Tonight the sun was still shining but the humidity had dropped. There was a chance of walking more than five paces without feeling as if your lungs were being torn apart from the inside or the heat was melting your skin and hair.
"Shall I walk you home?" Harry asked. "It's a fine evening," he added in way of explanation. "You're not far away." He looked down at her shoes; it was possible he thought despite most American's aversion to using their legs.
Candy gave Harry a hard stare.
"Are you expecting me to erase your unauthorised absence?"
"I'm not expecting anything!" Harry replied feeling his anger rising. He had thought they might have a pleasant evening for once but it just exposed how little he understood her. With her there was always a motive for everything.
They plodded along together in sulky silence for a block or two.
"Why are you doing this?" Candy asked.
"Doing what?" Harry replied. "Walking you home? Coming out to all these daft seminars? Living in New York? Believe me I've had my fill of 'why' questions recently."
"Which one do you want answered?" Candy asked.
They waited for the light to change and the white man to appear on the crosswalk sign. Harry was still deep in thought.
"What 'why' question would I like answered? "I want to know WHY my old boss ever decided to Afghanistan, WHY they didn't turn round and leave the minute they got there, WHY he had to take the others with him and WHY he decided it was his responsibility get himself blown to smithereens to save them. Are those enough WHY's for you?" he exploded.
"Those whys don't have answers," Candy said gently. "Try why are you walking me home?"
"What do you want to hear?" Harry asked sullenly.
"Well you could say that you were interested in getting to know me better, you could say that you think sleeping with me would make any problems you might have at NYU go away, or you could say that some meaningless sex is a great way to stop feeling the pain for a moment."
"Candy stop!" Harry insisted. "Is that what you think about people? What you think about me? That everyone is just acting in their own interests? That I would sleep with you for my own personal gain?"
"Wouldn't you?"
"I'm not even answering that," Harry replied grinding to a halt. "Anyway what problems do I have at NYU?"
Candy shrugged, ignored his question and said calmly, "You could pretend I'm her."
Harry stared at her. He had the feeling he'd walked out of that school and into a totally different world. What else had changed other than the humidity? Candy took his dumbstruck open mouth as an invitation, grabbed the back of his head and kissed him.
Harry was too stunned to know not to reciprocate but as soon as he realised he pulled himself out of her grasp.
"So there is someone," she said with a mixture of amusement and triumph. "It might help, with your ghosts," Candy suggested.
"What ghosts?" Harry spluttered.
"You may be a fool Harry, but I'm not. You still have one foot firmly in London and one foot in New York, you have to decide which way you are going to move, or you'll be ripped apart from the legs up."
Harry winced at the image and stuttered, "I don't…"
"Cut the crap Harry. You should know by now that I don't accept half measures of anything and I don't like liars." She was still up in his face, in his personal space just as she had been in her office, when she confessed to having a heart. He was beginning to discover some evidence but not enough to convince him yet.
But this was a new side to Candy he'd never seen, he couldn't just blame the change on the weather. What was she doing? He could still taste the mint of her gum in his mouth, she was terrifying and yet he still felt the stirrings of arousal. He'd upset her last time rejecting her offer of coffee. If he rejected her again he wondered how he would be able to keep their relationship both personal and professional intact. Why had he offered to walk her home? He wasn't sure himself.
"It might enable you to finally move on!" Candy continued when Harry still hadn't answered.
"What?"
"Don't you want to move on?" she asked still in his space, her voice taunting now.
"I mean if it's that pale thing that came to visit that time, there's really no comparison is there, there's hardly even enough of her to hold on to, someone like you needs a real woman." Candy seemed to breathe in and make herself even taller than she already was. "She didn't seem to have any trouble saying goodbye to you, you don't think she fancies you, do you?"
"DON'T" he hissed. How dare she? His anger was back and with it his voice.
She didn't seem as upset as he thought she would be. Maybe it was all some kind of twisted game she was playing. Just a different way to annoy and irritate him as he'd begun to be immune from the others. Well she'd won that round; he was angry.
But it was her suggestion that had really shocked him; that Candy would be prepared to take him to bed knowing he wasn't even thinking of her. Firstly because it was shocking and secondly because she seemed to think she knew what he wanted. Is that what he wanted?
He had tried, tried to move on when he moved, he'd tried again when Nikki had left in March and not contacted him again. He'd made up his mind to stop as she'd asked and was just coming to terms with his decision when he'd spoken to Leo and found out about their little outing. However much he was prepared to let her go and get on with her life, the tug he felt when he heard she was dancing with danger again, was so strong he knew that he could never let her go. She had told him long ago that it was 'up to him,' and settling for the status quo of her not talking to him wasn't a decision. That was settling, that wasn't up to him. Faced with the prospect of her in Afghanistan it became very clear to Harry that he would never be able to let her go, he just didn't know how to get her back. It seemed impossible.
"Is that why you took this job in the first place," Candy sneered her beautiful face taking on an unbecoming smirk. "Thought you could leave her behind…but she's still haunting you."
"Will you please stop!" he roared. "She isn't dead!"
Candy looked puzzled then, she was sure she had figured it all out, but there was something she was missing. She stopped for a while deep in thought, "You're telling me you were in love with the one that DID die?" Candy asked.
"No!" Harry insisted, tearing his hands through his hair.
"I'm going to warn you Harry." Candy continued, even she was aware now that she'd pushed him too far and backed off a little. "Some irregularities have been noted in your department. You need to watch your back and pray that your students get good results."
"What on earth do you mean? I've done everything by the book, my whole time here."
"But that's not entirely true is it?"
"I missed one day, when I forgot to call in! I talked to Ruby. It was rather exceptional circumstances."
"He was just your old boss." Candy said flippantly.
"Leo was not JUST my old boss," growled Harry.
"No," Candy replied and rolled her eyes. He might have denied a relationship with the boss, but it was more than just employer employee of that she was certain. "No he wasn't just your boss just like your old colleague who came to visit; is not JUST your old colleague," she said pointedly.
Harry opened his mouth and closed it again, he could have gone on to explain but he doubted that Candy was capable of understanding any selfless act so she would have no framework to even begin to understand who Leo was and there was no way he was talking to her about Nikki. She seemed to know far too much already. He also didn't trust standing next to her with his mouth open again.
"I'm just saying watch your back." Candy insisted. "Now is not the time to rock the boat."
"So asking for two days off to get to his funeral is going to be out of the question?"
"In the current climate? I wouldn't if you want to keep your job here."
Harry rubbed his hand through his hair which instead of comforting him as it usually did just left his hand feeling unpleasantly damp. He wiped it on his trousers.
"What aren't you telling me?"
"I can't tell you Harry. Now are you really walking me home, because you've stopped and we're still a couple of blocks short."
"Sorry," mumbled Harry and carried on walking. He didn't know how he was going to tell Nikki that he wouldn't make it to the funeral. She wasn't returning any of his calls. He couldn't just not pitch up without talking to her. He would be devastated. She would be devastated. Or maybe she wouldn't be. Maybe she didn't care anymore. But she'd called him that first night, she'd let him sit with her, sit with Leo. He wanted to go. He should be there. They should lay Leo to rest together. If they weren't allowed to make him work a notice period against his will because of anti-slavery laws how could they make him work when he had to be at a funeral?
"Are there guidelines about whose funeral I can take time off for?"
"Pages of them, but an old boss isn't going to be on them."
"Close family friend?" Harry suggested.
Candy screwed up her face and shook her head.
"What about personal days? I could take a couple of those, I've only used one this year and don't we get three?"
Candy didn't respond.
Harry sighed. "So I could take two personal days together?"
"You haven't got two personal days left," Candy snarled. "You've only one and a half."
Harry raised an eyebrow.
"You missed the morning of February 25th."
February 25th? How did she remember this shit? That was just after his birthday. Harry lifted his hands to run them through his hair again but thought better of it and let them drop back to his side. His trip back from Niagara!
"I rescheduled that seminar for later that day; you can't claim that was a personal day!"
"Were you in the office?"
Harry shrugged, there was more to this conversation somehow, but he was at a loss to know what it was or how to find out what it was.
"You're not supposed to take two personal days together and there are limitations as to when you can take them and definite limitations if you actually only have one and a half."
"And I just bet the exam week is exactly the time they're not allowed."
Candy nodded again.
"Two days unpaid leave?" Harry begged.
"You can take it up with the board but at this time of year, it's unlikely. Can't you just wait a month and go back in the vacation?"
"But I have to be at the funeral!"
"WHY?" Candy asked her voice raising, the conversation cycling. "You don't have to be there for him. He's dead. He won't know."
"You are pitiless!" Harry exclaimed. He'd thought he wanted to know more about her but the more he learned the less he found to like. If he could he would have turned on his heel and run back the way he had come, but Candy had grabbed hold of his shirt.
"Is that what you think?" Candy asked her face pressed up against his. "But what about HER? If you don't turn up for that funeral it's going to be like making any spark of life left in her heart; the one that you probably broke in the first place, totally extinguished. There'll be no love left in it at all. Nothing!"
Harry let out a half choke, half cough. He felt his jaw clench and his breath coming in quick bursts.
"You just have to decide what you want more Harry. It's up to you." She paused and looked at him, his pupils dilated and the gasping breaths, it made no difference to her what the passion was. She just loved seeing passion.
"Are you coming up?" she cocked her head towards her building. Harry backed away from her and stared again.
"I don't think that will be a good idea," Harry he said through gritted teeth.
"You're loss," Candy replied and climbed the steps to her doorway. "It's the NYU family fun day Saturday next. We have a stall and do the same promo NYU stuff. You'll be there won't you? It's the biggest one of these events in Central Park. It's usually quite fun. Put some sunscreen on and bring a hat," she called over her shoulder as the door slammed shut.
He should have been touched by her apparent concern about his welfare but he knew she was really only covering her back against a potential lawsuit if he got burnt on duty.
Harry stumbled a few steps backwards away from her door. His chest felt tight, his lungs contracting in pain but it wasn't the humidity this time. He turned and began plodding along the road, back the way he had just come. There was something Candy had said that reminded him of something and he couldn't quite remember what.
He felt the wind get up about three blocks from his building. It was odd that here the wind always heralded a downpour. It was touch and go whether he would make it home before getting drenched to the skin. Like everything else in America even the rain seemed harder, wetter, more intense here than anywhere else. He had fond memories of a fine drizzle in England, rain here was nothing like that; first there was the wind and then if you hadn't sought shelter quickly you'd be wet through to your underwear in a matter of seconds.
It was later as he brushed his teeth that he remembered what it was. It was something Leo had said in their very last conversation.
"Don't come back for me, come back for her."
But he'd chosen to move forward. He couldn't go back. Could he?
Picking Up the Pieces: Paloma Faith
I love Candy in a twisted kind of a way...let me know what you think :)
