For the next half an hour, Jotaro did his very best not to fucking kill all four of his companions at every possible moment. They just could not stop talking, about everything, as if the Stand user's trail wasn't growing colder by the second. Fuck's sake. They needed to defeat everyone who was a servant of DIO, they needed to make sure that the world was a safer place – most of all, they needed to make sure that this person didn't give DIO any more vital information about them than the vampire already seemed to have.

But right now, the only thought that concerned every single other Crusader was the fact that they had been girls. Even Kakyoin, after his initial cool reaction, was getting a little shaken up by it: he kept looking down at his non-existent boobs and blushing furiously.

And, of course, if he was embarrassed, Joseph was absolutely crazy, alternating between 'I saved all your asses even as a girl' and 'Shit, I never thought I'd actually have a body like that'. Occasionally he would look at Jotaro in amazement, as if he'd never seen his grandson in his life.

"Shit, you're actually really tall, kiddo!"

He didn't blink, merely staring vacantly at the bookshelf behind the old man's head. "Really? Amazing. I hadn't noticed."

Kakyoin frowned beside him. "Was that – ?" Jotaro's elbow rammed into him; he shut up.

"I've gone all these years bumping my head on doorways and reaching stuff off high shelves completely clueless." He gave the old man a solemn, straight-faced bow, like people did in these situations. "Thank you, old man, for finally unravelling this completely unexplainable mystery."

"I can't believe it." The redhead stared at the ceiling with a manic grin. "I can't believe it. Kujo Jotaro, using sarcasm. This is unbelievable." He wiped an imaginary tear from his eye. "I'm so proud, Jotaro."

"Fuck off, Mami-san." That prompted another glance at the lack-of-boobs.

"Merde." Polnareff stared into space blankly. "Did I really – become a witch?"

Avdol nodded from his corner, shuffling a deck of cards so he didn't have to look at any of them. "I may have had to… kill you. A little. I apologise."

"Fuck, a little? I died! Dying on a regular basis is your thing, not mine!"

"At least you didn't have any bathroom adventures this time, Polnareff." Somehow Avdol managed to make the Frenchman's name sound like an insult. "Those, I seem to remember, are your thing. And, for the record, I've only come back from the dead twice now, so it's not 'regular'."

"You mean –" the stupid, eyebrow-less face creased slightly – "you actually died to save me? Again? You didn't have to do that…"

"Kyouko and I agreed that it was the best course of action." Avdol crossed his arms, frowning, and tried not to look embarrassed. "She liked Sayaka-chan a lot."

(It really felt weird to hear those kinds of honorifics coming out of Avdol's mouth. It wasn't natural, not the way it had been with the girls.)

The white-haired man shrugged, letting out an embarrassed half-smile. "Sayaka didn't have enough memory left half the time to like anyone. I can't believe how similar we ended up being, sacre bleu…"

With a scoff, Avdol turned away. "You were lucky. Kyouko was Christian. I had the devil of a time – no pun intended – convincing her to let me do some fortune telling. But…" He gestured towards Jotaro with one hand. "It caused us to meet up with you three, after all, so she allowed it."

"Ah, religious differences…" Kakyoin was still staring up at the ceiling wistfully. "So, you both died, and… how did we get out of that again? How much time has actually passed?"

"I know the answer to the first question, at least," replied Joseph, more quietly than usual. "Madoka made a wish that set all of our souls free. Somehow, she convinced Kyubey and his owner to let everyone out without a fuss, and… I think I know why."

"What?" Suddenly, everyone stared at him, various degrees of understanding or confusion on their faces.

Jotaro was the first to fully catch on. "It's a trap."

"Probably." The old man frowned. "We didn't think of it at the time, but just because we're not trapped in the Stand at the moment doesn't mean they can't make our lives worse here. Dammit… I thought we had transcended time and space for a moment there, like a god."

"Goddess, more like." He really couldn't help himself; his grandfather was an excellent target for such embarrassment. "You were all girls except for me."

As he had expected, Polnareff, Avdol, and Kakyoin all looked away, blushing furiously, but –

"I've been a woman before, it's completely normal." Joseph shrugged. "It would have been funnier with some tequila or something, though…"

"Good grief. Your life experiences are fucked." He pulled down his hat for the millionth time that afternoon. "What was that about saving someone from something with the love of your life?"

That actually got something from Joseph, at last; he flushed as pink as Madoka's hair and laughed nervously. "Aah… you remember that…"

"What was the name? Not Suzie…. See-zu, was it? She-zo?"

"Jotaro, come on, that's not fair…" He hid his face behind his metal hand and cringed. "I wasn't myself…"

"Neither was Madoka. She liked girls. Especially people's mothers, apparently."

"Stoooop… no more…" Joseph's whining almost rattled the windows, and Jotaro raised his eyebrows in satisfaction. He'd never let the old man live this down for as long as they lived.

Avdol coughed awkwardly. "We should do something about this Stand user."

"That's true." With a little more eagerness than was necessary, Kakyoin took up the change of subject. "It's been a long time since anyone captured all five of us like that, and they're probably hatching a plan to attack us as soon as we leave the curiosity shop, or even before. We're at a significant disadvantage, as we're not even sure how much time has passed since we entered the Stand."

Polnareff slumped further down onto the floor with a grunt, and tried to fix his column of very ugly hair. "They've probably assembled some more combat-oriented Stand users to fight us, or something. We cannot hide here forever, not with DIO still alive. Putain de merde."

"Tell me about it." Kakyoin began to twist his hair spiral in one hand and goddamn, why did Jotaro not see Mami's resemblance to him earlier? They were practically a perfect match, minus the boobs, and Jotaro could definitely live with that. That little sad smile like the weight of the world was on their shoulders, like they had no one else to lean on.

Jotaro wouldn't mind being leant on.

"So, Mr Joestar…" Another awkward cough. Was Avdol blushing? He definitely seemed more hesitant than usual. "Do you have a plan? Ideas?"

"Umm… let's see…. We can't run, we can't hide, playing dead would waste too much time…"

"Old man, can't you take a spirit photo or something to find out where the Stand users are and what day it is and stuff?"

Joseph Joestar brightened. "That's a good idea! Only…" He hesitated, and looked around at the clutter of the old-fashioned shop. "I don't think we'll be able to find a camera or a TV in here."

"I'll search for something." A green blur appeared around Kakyoin's shoulder and – fuck, Jotaro had almost expected him to transform like Mami, but of course that wasn't how things worked in the real world, of course their Stands were separate entities now that their souls were in the right bodies. Hierophant Green – and it was green, wasn't it, why had it been gold inside the Stand? – spread out its tentacles into every corner of the little shop.

Man, he was messed up in the head. And he hadn't even been a girl. No wonder the others were looking so spacy and awkward, no wonder it was taking forever to get on and fight these idiots, no wonder –

Kakyoin sighed and put his head in his hands, dismissing Hierophant Green with a faint hissing sound. "Nothing. This place is full of antiques."

"Then…" Polnareff groaned. "They could set the whole place on fire and we wouldn't know."

"I do happen to know a few things about fire, Polnareff, in case you forgot." Magician's Red gave a little wave.

"Well, yeah, but they could gas us!"

"Wait." There was… something behind the old man's head, and suddenly Jotaro recognised what it was. "Pass me that snow globe behind you, old man."

It was exactly how he remembered it: plain, slightly dusty, but with a pretty diorama laid out inside. A cityscape, with a few skyscrapers arranged into a careful display, along with a few green blobs that were probably meant to represent trees. The base was, perhaps, some type of light wood; there was no plaque to suggest which city it was meant to represent.

On the base, someone had scratched a series of symbols, a few kanji that weren't quite clear, plus –

"Old man. Can you read this?" The symbols were square and blocky, English but not English, with symbols that didn't seem to fit exactly into what he knew.

"Ah, um… this is Russian, I think…" Joseph squinted at the writing and frowned. "Erm… I think it says 'Mitaki Putin'. Why, is it important?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Well, probably not, but Jotaro had long since learned not to underestimate his grandfather. "That is the whole of Mitakihara City. Putin Mitaki's Stand trapped us inside."

"Ah, of course!" Avdol wrinkled his forehead and stared at 'Mitakihara'. "A Stand that creates a world of its own based on a less detailed template, able to trap human souls inside…"

"Mon dieu… And, of course, she could transport us there by touching us. I remember…"

"That still doesn't help us figure out a plan," replied Kakyoin. "Even if the Stand user has finished using this vessel, it's possible that she can find something else. There's no shortage of kitschy snow globes."

"Ugh. What a pain."

"You said it, Jotaro."

"How about… we just go and fight 'em, huh?" Joseph shrugged. "Worth a try, right? We'll have the benefit of surprise and numbers."

"We don't even know where they are, old man."

"They won't have gone far." Suddenly, decisively, Joseph stood up and grinned. "They'll stick around to make sure whatever they're planning goes right. There's no way those fuckers will just let us go, so might as well stand and fight, huh?"

They nodded reluctantly.

"That's the spirit!" Joseph turned towards the door. "Follow your Goddess!"

"Good grief…"