and I never thought this life was possible / you're the yellow bird that I've been waiting for
"Amanda? Amanda. Rollins!"
She snapped her head up, tearing her eyes away from her computer screen to see Fin looming over her desk. He looked annoyed.
"What?" she demanded, like she had the right to be irritable. She was at work, but she was very obviously not doing anything SVU-related.
"I just asked you three times if you logged the evidence from the Collins case," Fin explained. He squinted at her computer. "What the hell are you lookin' at?"
"Houses. It's like her version of pornography," Sonny answered for Amanda dryly as he hovered over his own desk, organizing papers to go interview a witness.
Amanda whirled around in her chair, glared at Sonny pointedly, then looked up at Fin again. "I finished it all last night," she assured him haughtily.
Fin moved to peer over her shoulder at her laptop. "That one is nice," he observed, poking at a property on the screen.
"It's four million dollars," Amanda told him flatly.
"Damn." He indicated a listing two rows down. "Oh, look, that one is only two hundred thousand."
"That's a storage unit, Fin," she sighed, leaning back in her chair and crossing her arms over her chest.
"How about-"
"Okay, okay. Can we not do this?" Sonny interrupted weakly. "This is gonna put her in a bad mood all night and I'm the one who's gotta live with her."
Fin ignored him. "What do you need a house for anyway?" he asked Amanda. "Just get a three bedroom apartment."
"That isn't the same," she moaned.
"How about a-"
"Hey! Enough with the house talk," Sonny said loudly. He roughly gathered up his paperwork. "Jesus. Fin, are you gonna join me in interview one or am I on my own here?" he asked irritably before stalking away.
Amanda and Fin exchanged wide-eyed looks.
"What's up his ass?" Fin grumbled, making his way over to his desk.
She closed the various internet tabs on her laptop with a sigh. "I don't know. You know how he gets with work sometimes."
"Y'mean, neurotic?" he offered sarcastically.
Amanda smirked. "Yeah, that."
Amanda scrubbed mascara off of her eyes over the bathroom sink that night. It was amazing how powerful make-up was: when her eyelashes were back to blonde and her skin was pink and clean, she looked rather ordinary. She sighed, leaning in closer to the mirror to inspect her features. Her mother didn't have any wrinkles even at her age and it was the one thing Amanda hoped to inherit from the woman. Even so, she poked and tugged at her eyes in an effort to make herself appear less tired. Not that it mattered at the moment - she was about to crawl into bed.
"What are you doin'?" Sonny appeared in the doorway in a St. John's t-shirt and basketball shorts, a miniature Snickers bar in his hand. It was the very last of Jesse's Halloween candy, which had some how lasted till mid-November.
"I'm just... assessing," she told him vaguely. She moved away from the sink and nudged him out the door and into their bedroom.
Sonny raised his eyebrows in amusement. "Assessing," he repeated thickly, mouth full of chocolate. "Okay."
"Hey," Amanda said suddenly as she began to tug her wedding band and engagement ring off of her finger. She set them in the little porcelain dish she kept on their bureau, the one she reserved for her most precious jewelry. "What was with you earlier today?"
"Huh?" Sonny stretched out long on the bed. Frannie followed him, standing up and resting her front paws at the edge of the mattress so he could scratch behind her ears. "What are you talkin' about?"
She gave him a pointed look. "You bit Fin's head off."
He shifted uncomfortably, eyes focused on Frannie. "Oh, that."
"Yeah, that."
"I was just annoyed. We had shit to do and..."
"And?"
"And... you don't need to advertise the fact that we can't find a house we can afford."
"I'm not! I'm... I'm just looking," Amanda insisted, pulling the gold studs out of her ears.
Sonny didn't say anything. He looked a combination of irritated and self-conscious.
She sighed. "I didn't know it would bother you."
"It's just, I'm just as frustrated as you are," Sonny admitted, sitting up so he could lean back against the headboard. "And I know how important it is to you. Hell, everybody does. So it sucks that I can't... make it happen."
She frowned, suddenly understanding that for Sonny, this was a matter of old-fashioned pride. "It's not your job to make it happen. It's both of ours and..." Amanda cringed, continuing sheepishly, "I haven't exactly been the best with money over the past few years, so that doesn't help..." She moved to crawl onto the bed, laying on her stomach. She rested a turned cheek on her folded arms, looking at him. "I'm sorry."
"S'alright," he murmured, reaching out a hand to lovingly ruffle her hair. "I shouldn't have freaked out."
"Something'll come up," she said quietly, hopefully. Frannie jumped up onto the bed, laying down between them. Amanda fiddled with the red bandanna around her neck. "And I know it's not the end of the world if we don't find something, but..."
"I know," he sighed, rubbing his forehead. "You don't wanna have another baby in this apartment."
Amanda had stood firm in that opinion for months. Luca was thirteen months old and still resided in their living room - something had to change before they could possibly have another one. "There's no room and I know we could rent something bigger but... I want our kids to grow up in a house. A real one." She paused, then suggested tentatively, "we could ask my dad for-"
"No," Sonny interrupted her curtly. "I already told you, I don't want his gamblin' money."
Amanda winced; she had anticipated his answer. "Alright, alright."
"You and me, we're gonna figure it out," he told her firmly, giving her a knowing look. "You'll see."
"I'm hungry," Sonny grumbled, slumped in his seat on the N train.
"This is the last one of the weekend. After we see it, then we can eat," Amanda assured him, keeping her eyes on the station stops to make sure they got off at the right one.
They had spent the past two days roaming around New York City looking at properties. Their real estate agent, Laura, was impossibly chipper and optimistic - which had been encouraging when they had first met her months ago. Now, after weeks of fruitless searching, it was getting a little grating. They had found several houses they had liked, but before they could even make an offer, another person beat them to it. It's a seller's market! Laura kept lamenting with a sad grin. Amanda and Sonny had started making dollar bets on how many times she would utter that phrase in a single interaction. So far that weekend, Amanda was up five dollars.
Initially, they hadn't had any open houses or tours scheduled for that Sunday. With Jesse and Luca at Sonny's parents' till the evening, Amanda and Sonny had planned to enjoy the temporary peace. That was until Amanda got a call from Laura, asking them to meet her in Astoria at a 'perfect' property that 'just went down twenty-six thousand in price!' Only twenty minutes away from their apartment in Long Island City, Amanda hadn't allowed Sonny the opportunity to protest. If she could muster the energy to see one more place, so could he, and they definitely were not in the position to pick and choose.
"Aren't you a little suspicious about this place? All of a sudden it's twenty-six grand less in a seller's market?" Sonny asked her with a knowing smirk.
"We have to at least look at it," Amanda challenged him. She stood up as the train slowed. "C'mon. This is us."
Huddled in their coats, they walked down a tree-lined sidewalk to 9416 44th street. The cottage-style house was the palest shade of yellow with white trim and an elegant-looking dark wood door. Laura stood at the front gate, waiting for them.
"Hi! I'm so glad you could come!" Laura exclaimed, swinging open the gate and charging toward the front steps. "Okay, so: three bedrooms, two and a half bathrooms. The kitchen was just done over with granite and stainless steel appliances... you're gonna love it, I'm sure of it. The school district is great - you're still in Queens, obviously."
Inside, Amanda's eyes widened in surprise. She had been bracing herself for something old or hideous, but instead she was greeted by shining wood floors, muted walls and warm lighting. Slowly, she wandered through the large, bright living room and into the kitchen: it was pristine, very clearly just re-done with gleaming appliances and espresso-colored cabinets that complimented the subtle gray, brown and deep blue tiling beneath them. The bedrooms were spacious, all on the second floor; the master even had its own bathroom. There was an office that the current family was using as a nursery, making the descriptor of 'three bedrooms' somewhat misleading. The yard in the back was almost non-existent, but there was a small patch of grass and a single tree, which was a lot more than Amanda had ever seen in Manhattan. She barely listened to Laura's commentary as they moved in and out of the house, lost in her own fantasies about what it would be like to live there.
When they reached the living room again, Amanda was buzzing with growing excitement. When she looked over at Sonny, however, he appeared less than convinced.
"Why'd the owners lower the price?" Sonny asked Laura suspiciously, arms crossed over his chest.
"They're moving to California; the husband got a job offer there pretty suddenly," Laura explained easily.
He still looked skeptical. "How much down?" Amanda could practically hear the anticipatory cringe in Sonny's voice.
"Three and a half percent," Laura answered. "So, given the recent price reduction... a little over nineteen grand."
"That's it?"
"Mhm."
Sonny turned to Amanda. "What do you think?"
"I love it," she breathed earnestly. "It's the nicest house I've ever been in." Which probably wasn't saying much, but it was the truth.
"It is pretty nice," Sonny agreed, looking around approvingly.
"Are other people looking at it? How many? I want it. What do we do?" Amanda demanded anxiously of Laura. She was alarmingly attached to the house even though she had only been inside for twenty-five minutes.
"They don't have any offers yet," Laura told her. She reached inside of her bag and pulled out a folder, which she handed to Amanda. "If you're interested-"
"We're interested," Sonny and Amanda interrupted her in unison.
"-fill out this paperwork as soon as you can and I'll draft an offer letter," Laura continued. "I'm advising you not to do anything wild with your finances right now - spend on only the necessities. They're gonna look at your entire financial history. Everything."
Amanda sat across from Sonny at Bareburger, a restaurant two blocks from their current apartment. The table was crowded with beer, burgers and fries, as well as the offer paperwork from Laura that Sonny was reviewing.
"You realize what this means, right?" he said eventually, peering up at her.
"What?" Amanda replied thickly as she eagerly ate french fries.
He leaned back in his seat and quirked an eyebrow. "No more spendin' money."
"Why are you tellin' me that?" she laughed.
"Let's see..." He wiped off his hands and pulled out his phone. After a moment of swiping, he read off of the screen, "this month you bought a new coffee table, a rug, like seven things on Amazon, a jacket-"
"That coat was on sale!" Amanda interrupted passionately. She had worn it that very day: a simple navy blue swing jacket with a cowl neck collar.
"For two hundred dollars?" he asked skeptically. "And haven't I been tellin' you for years that you have more coats than anybody I've ever met?"
"We're outside a lot," she challenged him indignantly. "And you told me you liked it."
Sonny took a swig of his beer. "You're missin' my point, 'Manda."
"Okay, okay," she sighed, holding up her hands in defeat. "I get it. I'm gonna stop."
"You are. 'Cause now you're on a budget," he concluded with a satisfied grin.
She furrowed her brow in confusion. "Huh?"
"A budget," he repeated slowly. "Y'know, it's that thing people have when they don't wanna go broke?"
"I hate when you do this shit," Amanda moaned dramatically.
"What shit?"
"This... condescending responsibility crap. It drives me nuts."
He looked smug. "Don't get all pissed off 'cause I called you out on how you spend like a drunk."
"Fuck you," she scoffed childishly, crossing her arms over her chest.
"Hey, you wanna do this or not?" Sonny asked her with a crass chuckle.
"Of course I do," Amanda mumbled, toying with her napkin. "More than anything."
"Then I need you to trust me on this."
"I do trust you, it's just..."
"Just...?"
She offered him an impish grin, peering up at him through long eyelashes as she requested sweetly, "just don't make me return the coat?"
Exhausted from a ten-hour day, Amanda cut up rigatoni into tiny little pieces and placed them on the tray of Luca's high chair. Almost immediately, he grabbed at the pasta and shoved some of them sloppily into his mouth with a squeal of delight. Even though Sonny and Jesse were sitting around the table with them, it was quiet except for the baby's babbling and sound of their forks encountering their plates.
"Mama?" Jesse said.
"Hm?" Amanda replied distractedly, keeping her eye on how much food actually got into Luca's mouth, not just onto his face.
"Where do babies come from?" Jesse asked her curiously.
Sonny suddenly and audibly choked on his food, coughing a little as he attempted to collect himself.
"What?" Amanda demanded, hoping she had misheard the toddler's question.
"Where do babies come from?" her daughter repeated deliberately.
She looked over at Sonny for assistance, but he was very intently focused on his plate. "Uh..." Amanda began awkwardly. "Well, um. You and your brother, you were in my belly. I told you that, remember?"
"I know that," Jesse huffed. "But how'd we get there?"
Sonny's phone began ringing and buzzing loudly on the kitchen counter, sending a wave of relief through Amanda. She was not at all prepared to have this conversation with her overly-inquisitive almost-five-year-old, especially not at the dinner table.
"Oh! The phone is ringing!" she exclaimed unnecessarily to avoid answering Jesse's question. She ignored Sonny's expression of amusement as he got up to retrieve it.
Jesse was unfazed by the distraction. "But where-"
"Shh. Daddy's on the phone," Amanda reprimanded Jesse. She turned to Sonny. "Who is it?"
"It's Laura," he answered grimly, blinking down at the screen.
"Oh no," Amanda groaned, anticipating rejection. It had been two days since they had put in their offer for the little yellow house in Astoria. If it had been accepted, they should have been given a response within twenty-four hours. Without any word for more than forty-eight, it left them both believing that the current owners weren't interested. "Just pick it up so we can get this over with."
She actively tuned out Sonny's voice as she poked at the food on her plate. The process of looking for - and ultimately not finding - a house felt like being broken up with over and over again. The glimmer of hope followed by seemingly inevitable disappointment was exhausting. Amanda suddenly felt herself getting emotional, her jaw clenching as she tried not to let frustrated tears fall from her eyes. She had really liked that house; she had laid in bed that same night and caught herself imagining where a Christmas tree would look best in the living room. And sure, the yard was sort of pathetic, but Frannie would love to have her very own patch of grass...
Amanda looked up from her dish just as Sonny was tossing his phone back onto the counter. His eyes were big but he wasn't smiling; he appeared stunned.
"Uh... she said... she said they accepted it," he told her flatly. "She said they accepted our offer."
Dropping her fork in shock, Amanda leapt up from her chair. "What?!"
"We were the first ones in. It's been on the market too long, they need to move soon," he explained excitedly, his expression now bright and animated.
She slapped her hand over her mouth, eyes wide with disbelief. "Are you sure? Totally sure?"
"Yes, Amanda! She just told me!" he laughed.
Her heart was in her throat. Five minutes ago she had been thinking about how to tell Sonny that she didn't want to look for houses anymore, that it was too depressing. Now he was informing her that all of the frustration and heart ache had been worth it - their money was good enough for 9416 44th street. The disheartened tears that had burned Amanda's eyes were transformed into a symbol of her utter joy; she had waited her whole life for this moment. To Amanda, a house was the ultimate luxury. She knew that there were more hoops to jump through before they truly owned the property, but for right now, this was enough. This was progress.
She flung her arms around Sonny and kissed him. On her own, she would not have been in this position. On her own, she would have been in her old apartment with Jesse. It would have been fine - but that's all it would have ever been. In the years that Amanda had known Sonny, he had taught her that it was okay to want for more than mediocre, to put up a fight for better. His faith and fortitude never wavered, even when challenged by Amanda's toxic cynicism.
She only pulled away when she needed air; her heart was beating rapidly in her chest. She momentarily forgot that her children - the two small people she had really wanted this house for - were still in the room as she met Sonny's gaze. He took her face between his palms adoringly as he grinned down at her. "I'm so happy," Amanda croaked breathlessly as tears still rolled down her cheeks. "I really thought she was callin' to tell us something bad."
Sonny shook his head. "It's a good thing," he smiled. "Our good thing."
