piece by piece / he restores my faith / that a man can be kind / and a father could stay
"Wake up! Wake up!" Jesse shrieked as she threw herself in between Sonny and Amanda on their bed.
Sonny woke with a start. "Jesus, Jesse," he yelped. "You're gonna give me a heart attack."
"Santa came! Presents!" the little girl explained, only focused on one thing.
"What time is it?" Amanda grumbled, still curled on her side beneath the sheets.
"It's morning time!" Jesse answered. She shook her mother's shoulder. "Mama, get up, please! Please!"
"Okay, okay, go sit out in the living room," she yawned with a dismissive wave of her hand.
Jesse tumbled off of the bed and pounded down the stairs. Amanda flopped over onto her back with a groan, still tired. They hadn't gotten back from Christmas Eve dinner and mass with Sonny's family until two in the morning. Getting Jesse in bed at that hour had been a task, even after several reminders about Santa's preference for only delivering presents to sleeping children. Eventually her excitement gave way to exhaustion and Amanda could sneak into her own room unnoticed.
Sonny's forearm was flung over his eyes. Above him, nestled close to his hair, was the kitten that he had sworn would be back on the street just one week ago. Amanda hadn't kept her promise; she never contacted Animal Control. She swore she would do it after Christmas, but secretly she had no intentions of ever giving up the cat. She had grown up around stray animals in rural Georgia and now found herself more attached to the new pet than Jesse was. Fluffy was a ridiculous name, but Amanda called him that anyway until she could think of something better. It didn't go unnoticed: every time Sonny was in the same room as the kitten, he took the opportunity to rehash all of his past traumatic cat experiences. Once when I was seven, I went to pet my neighbor's cat and he practically clawed my face off! he would lament melodramatically. His stories did nothing to deter her; she only responded with pointed eye rolls. The very best part was that the harder Sonny fought to resist Fluffy, the more adorably interested in him the animal became.
Sitting up, Amanda hovered over Sonny. "Merry Christmas," she said, poking at his bare chest. She reached above his head to retrieve the cat. "Merry Christmas, Fluffy!"
"Oh, God, is it in my hair?" Sonny exclaimed nervously, eyes flying open as his hands immediately gripped his skull.
"Relax, your precious hair is fine," she assured him snidely as she rested a cheek atop Fluffy's little head. She climbed out of bed with him. "C'mon, get up."
"I'm comin'," he yawned, long limbs untangling from the sheets.
Bleary-eyed, Amanda pulled on an old NYPD sweatshirt and padded into the hallway. She gently set the kitten at the top of the stairs. "Go have some breakfast," she encouraged the animal with a nudge, before Fluffy was bounding toward the food and water that now sat beside Frannie's in the kitchen, much to Sonny's chagrin.
"Nobody opens anything until I have a cup of coffee," she called down the stairs. In Luca's room, she found him standing up in his crib. "Merry Christmas, baby," she cooed to him enthusiastically, even though he was still clueless about the holiday. She lifted Luca out of his crib so she could change his diaper.
"Daddy, please make fast coffee!" Amanda heard Jesse moan.
"I'm goin', I'm goin'," Sonny grunted.
The next hour was a flurry of wrapping paper, ribbon and boxes. Jesse had to be physically restrained from opening her brother's presents as well as her own. Amanda and Sonny sat on the couch and watched the controlled chaos with mugs of coffee until everything beneath the tree had seemingly been torn apart.
"Well, that's it. No more presents," Sonny announced a bit too cheerfully.
Jesse pouted. "None?"
He shook his head. "Nope."
Amanda squinted at the tree. "Wait a second... what's that thing under the tree? By the wall?"
Still on her knees on the carpet, Jesse whirled around to look. "What thing?"
"I dunno, Jess, go grab it," she urged her daughter. "See it over there? It's red. It looks like it's an envelope."
Jesse moved past her brother, who was rolling a plastic Fisher-Price police car all around the floor and crawling after it. She reached her arm beneath the tree and snatched the red envelope in her hands. Looking down at it, her eyes widened. "It says my name! And Luca's! Doesn't it?"
"Hm, looks like it," Amanda said from over her coffee cup. "Open it up!"
She wasted no time in ripping open the paper and tossing it to the ground. She jumped to her feet when she discovered the card inside. "Mama! It's Minnie Mouse! And Mickey!" she squealed, running to the couch. "What's it say?!"
Amanda took the card from her daughter. "Hmm, let's see. It says... 'Merry Christmas, Jesse and Luca! You're going to Disney World! We're excited to see you in June! Love, Mickey and Minnie Mouse.'"
"We're... going to Disney World?" Jesse stammered. "That's what it says?"
"You bet we are," Sonny answered.
Amanda's father had asked her what she wanted for Christmas that year. He had asked Kim, too, and while she submitted a list of requests like a kid writing to Santa, Amanda only wanted to figure out a way to get Jesse to Disney World before she started school full-time. She and Sonny had tried to save for the trip for awhile, but after buying the house, they lost some momentum. The Happiest Place on Earth was more expensive than their honeymoon. While Amanda and Sonny could manage the airfare and other expenses, the lodging was absurdly priced. She shuddered at the thought of dragging two little kids on buses or shuttles every morning and night just to get to and from the park, so Peter Rollins' Christmas gift to his eldest daughter was a five-day hotel stay in the Magic Kingdom.
Jesse started to fidget with growing excitement as the realization dawned on her. "With... with... Mickey and Minnie? And the princesses? Disney World?"
"Psh, of course. They all live there, don't they?" Sonny replied easily with a grin.
"Ahhhh! I can't believe it! I can't believe it!" Jesse shrieked, jumping up and down. "When is it June? How long till June?"
"Five months. It'll go by real quick," Amanda assured her with a laugh. "We'll start checkin' days off on the calendar."
"How did Santa know?" she gasped, looking between the two adults. "I didn't write it on my list!"
"Ah, c'mon. Santa's a pretty smart guy," Sonny explained. "He knows how much you love Elsa and Ava-"
"Anna!" Jesse and Amanda corrected him simultaneously.
He rolled his eyes good-naturedly. "Yeah, those two."
At one o'clock on a cold January morning, Amanda couldn't sleep. She felt off, strange, and every time she closed her eyes they automatically blinked open again. Careful not to disturb Sonny, she maneuvered herself out of bed and walked to their bathroom. Shutting the door almost all the way, she turned on the light. She dug through the medicine cabinet, pushing aside old prescriptions, NyQuil and children's cold syrup until her fingertips settled on a box of pregnancy tests.
It was just a feeling.
Amanda couldn't explain it - she wasn't more tired than usual or vomiting (yet) - but something was different. It had been on her mind for the past few days, and that night, it was starting to drive her crazy. She had never been good at existing in the unknown. Opening up the box, she slid the test from its confines and quickly read over the instructions. Peeing on a stick wasn't complicated, but she didn't want to mess it up. When she was done, she carefully put the cap over the tip and set it on the countertop. It would be ready to read in three minutes.
She walked back out into the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed next to Sonny. He was sleeping peacefully. For a moment she debated leaving him alone - but that moment passed quickly.
"Sonny," she whispered loudly, hoping that would rouse him.
He didn't move.
"Sonny," Amanda repeated a little louder, nudging his hip. "Wake up."
"Hm, what?" he grunted, flopping onto his back. He rubbed at his eyes as he blinked her into focus in the dark. "What are you doin' up?"
She picked at the fabric of the comforter. "I couldn't sleep..."
"Y'wanna fool around?" he offered with a sleepy smirk.
Amanda rolled her eyes. "No. I couldn't sleep because, because I have this feeling... I think I'm pregnant."
He eyed her like she had three heads. "Huh?"
"I think I'm pregnant," she repeated. "I just have a feeling. I took a test."
"And you had to do this now? At... at one in the mornin'?" he asked incredulously.
She nodded. "I just want to know."
Sonny sighed as he pulled himself up to a sitting position, a long arm reaching out to turn the light on the bedside table on. He ruffled his hair and yawned. "Okay. But... what if you're not?"
"Then I'm not, but, we've been trying for months." She frowned. "I got pregnant with two kids on the pill, why's it taking so long now?"
"We must not be havin' sex enough," he mused.
Amanda furrowed her brow. "Nice try. I'm being serious."
"You worry too much. I've been tellin' you, it'll happen," Sonny insisted.
"What time is it?" she asked him anxiously.
He picked up his phone and looked at the screen. "Five past..."
She jumped up and sprinted into the bathroom. Snatching up the capped test, she anxiously squinted at the little window that displayed the results. There, she saw two dark pink lines. Her eyes widened in surprise before she was flooded with irrational anxiety, afraid she was misreading or hallucinating. Rushing over to Sonny's side, she shoved the test in his face. "Is that two lines? Do you see two lines or one line?" Amanda demanded.
He squinted, leaning forward. "Yeah. I see two lines. Is that a good thing?"
"I knew it!" she exclaimed victoriously. "It means I'm pregnant!"
Amanda watched his face change, from confused to surprised to elated, his gray-blue eyes growing larger by the second. "What? It does?!" he sputtered.
"Yes!" she squealed. She jumped on top of him, knees bouncing into the mattress on either side of his lap. Grabbing Sonny's face between her hands, she kissed him passionately.
"I told you! I told you it'd happen," he chuckled against her mouth, his hands squeezing her sides.
"I'm so happy," she whispered, resting her forehead against his. She dropped her palms to his bare chest, soothing them up and down his warm skin. "This... all of this... I've never been so happy."
Sonny kissed her again, long and slow, then lolled his head back against the headboard. He gazed at her with a warm, appreciative smile. "Oh man, Amanda..." he breathed quietly. "This is the best feelin' in the world for me, y'know that? It's like... bein' a dad, it's amazing - and you gave that to me."
"Don't make me cry," she croaked softly with a grin, her hands stilling. "You always do that."
He squeezed her again. "Do what?"
She pouted. "Make me all... mushy."
"Hey, at least nobody else knows that deep down, you're the biggest sap of 'em all'," he reasoned smugly.
"It better stay that way," she threatened idly.
"It will," Sonny promised. "I'd rather keep it all for myself anyway."
Almost three months pregnant, Amanda and Sonny revealed the news to family first. On a snowy Friday night, they went to dinner at the Carisi home with both children in tow. Sonny's mother cried - she was always the best audience - and his father beamed proudly as he wrapped them both up in tight, bear-hugs. Despite their intensity, Amanda truly loved both of Sonny's parents. She was immensely grateful for the way that took care of her and her children unconditionally. Even if they could be overbearing, they all felt safe in the Carisi household.
With the weather deteriorating and the Rangers game on, Amanda and Sonny planned to stay over. Amanda took care of Jesse and Luca when it came time to put both of them to bed, leaving Sonny in the living room with his father. Jesse could barely keep her eyes open through her bath, she was so exhausted from an afternoon of playing in the snow. Luca was a little more challenging: at almost sixteen months old, he was impossibly stubborn and clung fiercely to Amanda. By the time she finally got him relaxed, she was ready to go to bed herself.
Padding downstairs, she got herself a glass of water in the kitchen. She had originally told Sonny and Dominick Sr. that she would watch the game with them, but now she just wanted to lie down. Over the rush of the faucet and the sound of the television, Amanda heard Dominick's voice mention her name.
"So, Amanda's pregnant again," Dominick said lightly.
"Uh huh," replied Sonny.
"What are you gonna do about that?" his father asked.
Filled cup in hand, Amanda's brow furrowed as she inched closer to the doorway to listen.
"What d'you mean?" She could hear the confusion in Sonny's voice.
"I mean, one of you has gotta start earnin' some real money here," Dominick explained.
"Amanda got promoted to Sergeant and the city gives us two raises a year, we're okay."
"I think you're seriously underestimatin' what it's like havin' three kids, Sonny. You just bought a house, you guys insist on goin' to Disney World this summer-"
"Jesse's wanted to go since she could talk. We wanted to do it before she's in school full-time."
"I get that, I do, but... you really gotta think long-term here."
"I do, dad. I think about it all the time."
"You always want your wife makin' more than you?"
Amanda cringed, fingers toying with her lower lip anxiously.
"What is this, 1950?" Sonny laughed in disbelief. "Amanda's been at SVU longer than me. She and our lieutenant have worked together for seven years. She's earned it."
"I'm definitely not disputin' that," Dominick assured him. "But, c'mon, Sonny. Three kids? This is serious now. Maybe it's time you start thinkin' about gettin' into law."
"The law I wanna do pays worse than what I make now," he retorted. "I don't wanna do real estate or tax attorney stuff for a buncha yuppies."
Dominick sighed. "Well, maybe this can't be about what you want to do. It's about what you have to do. So if you have to explore other options..."
"I've been through this already. I like bein' a cop," Sonny insisted, annoyance now evident in his tone.
"I'm tellin' you right now, Sonny: bein' a cop isn't gonna put three kids in good schools. "
"C'mon, dad. Why are you bein' such a hard ass about this right now?"
"Haven't I always taught you how important it is to take care of your family?"
"Of course you have-"
"So I'm just remindin' you now - as somebody who's already raised four kids - the reality of the situation."
"Can we just watch the game, please?" Sonny asked irritably, and Amanda skittered back up the stairs.
Curled beneath the covers, Amanda read a book of poems her yoga instructor had given her several months ago. Milk and Honey was a collection of pieces about all different stages of love and relationships - family included - that she had been slowly working through whenever she got a moment to herself. Even though she was enjoying it, she had to fight to keep her eyes open beneath the warm blankets.
The door eventually creaked open and Sonny appeared.
"How was the game?" Amanda asked, struggling to sit up. She set her book aside.
"Total blowout. Rangers sucked." He sunk down on the edge of the bed next to her, angling his body toward hers. "I thought you were gonna watch it with us."
"Yeah... I just got kinda tired," she explained with a shrug.
He set a hand on the small swell of her stomach. "You feel okay?"
She smiled. "Yeah, I'm fine." She laid her palm atop his as she admitted, "I, uh, heard you and your dad talkin' a little."
"Oh?" Sonny remarked casually.
"He was bein' kinda hard on you."
"Yeah, well, you know he gets stuck on things and he still thinks it's 1952, so..."
Amanda squeezed the hand that sat on her abdomen. "Don't take it to heart, Sonny."
His eyes drifted from their hands to her face. He looked almost nauseous. "I mean, it got me thinkin'... you don't, y'know, think any of that stuff, do you?"
"Of course I don't," Amanda insisted, sitting up a little straighter and leaning in slightly. She gave him a small, sincere smile. "The life I live - we live? It's better than anything I ever could have imagined. I mean, growin' up, some nights Kim and me... we didn't get to eat dinner. So if our biggest problem now is we both have jobs we love and can't put our kids in private school? I'm okay with that."
Sonny looked mildly disturbed. "Our kids are always gonna eat dinner."
She nodded. "I know that. I've never doubted that for a second. With you, I know that everybody is always gonna be taken care of..." She grinned as she added sweetly, "even Fluffy."
