if you let go / i'll float toward the sun / i'm stronger 'cause you fill me up
Amanda sat on the edge of the exam table, fingers tapping anxiously at the sides as she waited for the ultrasound technician to appear. Sonny was in a chair beside her, eyes focused on his phone as he assessed his status in Words with Friends.
"How the hell is Kim beatin' me in this game?" he lamented, squinting at the screen with an amusing sort of desperation.
Amanda smirked. "She's smarter than she looks."
Sonny sighed and shoved the phone back in his pocket, his arms crossing over his chest as he leaned back in his chair.
"You still think it's a girl?" Amanda asked him curiously.
"Yep," he told her with confidence.
"I still don't really know what I think," she admitted. "With Jesse and Luca, I had a really strong idea - even if I wasn't right." She waggled her eyebrows provocatively at her husband. "Wanna bet on it?"
"No, I do not. You're a shark," Sonny refused.
After a quick knock on the door, a female ultrasound technician appeared before Amanda could convince Sonny to make a wager.
"Hi! I'm Tara," the tech said brightly. "Dr. Miller sent me in to do your ultrasound. He'll be in when we're done. Ya ready?"
"Ready," she assured her with a nod.
Leaned back with the cold gel on her four-month-pregnant stomach, Amanda's eyes watched the screen of the machine. The blurry shape of a fetus appeared, its little profile distinct despite the fuzzy nature of the picture. Tara maneuvered the wand expertly until the steady sound of the baby's pulse filled the room. Hearing the heartbeat was a relief to Amanda; it was the first tangible indicator that her baby was healthy.
"Heartbeat's good..." Tara observed. "Do you wanna know the sex or is it gonna be a surprise?"
"We wanna know. She hates surprises," Sonny explained.
"Hmm, alright." She pressed and wriggled the probe, eyes on the screen. "Ah, there it is. It's always easier to tell when it's a boy."
"It's a boy?" Amanda exclaimed, genuinely surprised.
Tara nodded. "It is!"
"No way. We've got you outnumbered!" Sonny chuckled happily to Amanda, reaching over to squeeze her hand.
"Do you have a boy already?" Tara asked curiously as she began to clean Amanda up.
Grinning, Amanda nodded. "Yeah. A girl, too."
"Well, congratulations," Tara told them with a kind smile. She offered a hand to help Amanda sit up. "I'll go grab Dr. Miller for you."
"Thanks," she murmured, adjusting her t-shirt. With Tara gone, Amanda looked over at Sonny, who was smiling. "You were wrong."
He shrugged. "Ah, well. Had a fifty-fifty shot."
"Are you happy?" Amanda asked eagerly.
"'Course I am." He kissed the knuckles of the hand he was holding. "I woulda been happy no matter what."
She grinned again. "Me too."
There was another knock at the door before Dr. Miller let himself in and greeted the couple.
"Amanda, Sonny, how are you?" Dr. Miller asked cheerfully, shaking both of their hands as he dropped down onto the stool by the desk in the small exam room.
"Good," they answered in union.
Dr. Miller flipped through Amanda's chart, eyes scanning the pages. "Alright, blood pressure is good. I'd like to see you gain a little more weight..." He looked up at her pointedly. "And you know the drill: you'll be on bedrest for the last month. Longer if your blood pressure starts to do anything funny."
"Yeah, I know," she grumbled, tucking her hair behind her ears.
The physician closed her folder and set it aside. "How do you feel about the possibility of having a c-section?"
"I'd really prefer not to have one. I mean, bein' cut open is even worse than bein'... well, ripped open." Out of the corner of her eye, Amanda saw Sonny grimace.
"I understand. Well, I know Jesse gave you trouble, but Luca went smoothly. As long as no issues crop up, you should be alright." He sighed. "But you can't miss any appointments, okay? Just like last time, I really wanna monitor you."
Amanda looked sheepish. "It's just, my job, I-"
"She'll be here," Sonny assured Dr. Miller firmly. "I'll make sure of it."
"How are you gonna decorate it?" Bella asked, standing seven months pregnant in the spare room of Amanda and Sonny's house.
"I have no idea," Amanda admitted with her hands on her hips. She looked around at the dusty space, which was only occupied by a pile of baby clothes Sonny's mother had bought a week ago - even after Amanda reminded her that she still had Luca's things to pass on. There was no arguing with Mrs. Carisi, though, so she had gratefully taken the cute new outfits and set them aside. "Nothing crazy. I might paint it gray and blue."
"Gray is so in," Bella responded approvingly, snapping her gum. "What was in here before?"
"Before the other owners lived here it was an office, then the last couple made it into a nursery," she explained. "When we moved in, Sonny was keeping all of his law books and crap in here but I made him find a new place for all of it the other day."
"What happens if you have another kid?" Sonny's sister asked.
Amanda shook her head. "We compromised at three. Sonny would have ten but he doesn't have to give birth to them, so he doesn't get to decide."
"Mm, that's fair," Bella mused. "I always wanted four. Y'know, like the four of us. Then I had Angelina and realized how much work they are."
"I never wanted any," she admitted to her sister-in-law.
Bella's eyes opened wide, like she had never heard of such a thing. "Really?"
"Nah. I thought they were a pain in the ass."
"What changed?"
"I had Jesse, and she was a pain in the ass but I loved her so much I couldn't imagine a life without her. Then I had Luca and... same thing, really." She set a palm on her small stomach thoughtfully. "I never understood how great it was till they happened to me. You can't really tell from seeing other people's kids. They've gotta be like, a part of you to get it..."
Amanda heard heavy footsteps bounding up the stairs before Sonny appeared in the doorway, sweaty and flushed in gym clothes.
"What are you guys doin' in here?" he asked breathlessly.
"You smell disgusting," Bella observed, cringing.
"Hello to you to," Sonny answered her sarcastically. "I was just out playin' basketball."
"We're just talking about how to set up the room for the baby," Amanda explained to him.
"What's to set up?" he asked, wiping his forehead off with the back of his forearm. "Stick a crib in the middle of it and call it a day."
"I wanna put in a little more effort than that," she insisted. "This is the first time I've had the space to do something."
Sonny gave her a pointed look. "You mean I'll be puttin' in the effort."
Amanda patted his cheek innocently. "You've always been so smart."
Amanda yawned at her desk. She blinked at the watch on her wrist; it was after nine o'clock at night. Sonny and Fin had left two hours ago, but Amanda still had work to do. She had finally closed a week-long case involving an eleven-year-old girl and her horseback riding instructor. The details had made her stomach turn, but it was the first time Liv had allowed her to lead an investigation as a sergeant. As competitive and eager-to-please as ever, Amanda hadn't taken the opportunity lightly. Each night that week, she had been the very last person to leave SVU, determined to solve her case. At home, she piled her files up by her laptop in the living room, sorting through notes and evidence when she was supposed to be crawling into bed. Like clockwork, Sonny lectured her: you shouldn't bring this crap home, you're over-extending yourself, you always do this...
Liv would ground her soon, because she was pregnant. Amanda understood Sonny's point - each and every damn time he brought it up - but she still wanted to do her job and do it well. It didn't help that in the past week, both Jesse and Luca had been especially difficult. Luca had a double ear infection, which meant he was cranky, clingy and barely slept. Jesse, on the other hand, was acting more like she was fifteen instead of five. She was stubborn, dramatic and too clever for her own good. Jesse's turnin' into you, Sonny would groan - and he wasn't complimenting her.
"You're still here," Liv's voice observed.
Amanda looked up to see the lieutenant hovering over her desk, coat and purse in hand. She offered her a little smile. "Yep."
"Well, don't stay too late," Liv said with a pat on Amanda's shoulder before she began to walk away. "I'll see you in the morning."
She nodded, about to turn back to her computer, then had a thought. "Hey, Liv?" she called.
Liv stopped and turned around, looking at Amanda expectantly. "Yeah?"
"Can I ask you something?" Amanda said timidly.
The lieutenant nodded. "Sure."
She pulled in a deep breath. For a second, she wished she hadn't said anything, afraid that what she wanted to ask made her seem incapable or too sensitive. But recently she and Liv had been on good terms, occasionally bonding over their roles as mothers. Despite her stubborn pride, Amanda valued her superior's opinion. "You ever think, or... you ever feel like it's impossible to do this job and be a mom?"
Liv gave her a wan small as she approached Amanda's desk again. "All the time."
"It's not that I can't do it," Amanda insisted nervously. "It's just-"
"It's a lot sometimes," Liv concluded easily.
"Yeah. It's a lot," she agreed meekly. "Everybody needin' you all the time..."
"It's sort of... seductive though, isn't it? Knowing so many people count on you, that they think you're capable," Liv mused, toying with the framed photograph on Amanda's desk. "I think that's what gets us into trouble, that vicious cycle of enjoying being needed but taxed by it at the same time, over and over."
That was it. Even if it was exhausting, Amanda liked being the one others counted on because it made her feel special. The realization was humbling and even a little embarrassing, but at least Liv had been the one to verbalize it. She offered her lieutenant an appreciative grin. "Yeah. That makes sense."
"Why don't you head home? Paperwork can wait," Liv suggested.
She sighed, glancing over at her messy desk, hesitant.
Liv gave her a knowing smile before beginning to walk away again. "How about this: that's an order, Rollins."
On Sunday, Amanda woke up feeling like she hadn't gotten any sleep at all. She was nauseated and her muscles ached and it made her wonder if her busy week had somehow made her sick. Like they did on so many Sundays before, she and Sonny were supposed to go to his parents' house with Jesse and Luca for an early dinner. Amanda usually looked forward to it: his mother made something warm and decadent and after eating they all lazed around for hours watching television and talking. It was mindless, comforting, and she had grown to appreciate the importance of the occasional uneventful day.
Her stomach twisting at the mere thought of food, Amanda decided to send Sonny to his parents' house with the kids on his own. Ever the germaphobe, he had grilled her about her symptoms five times before he conceded to go without her.
"Y'sure you're okay?" Sonny asked her anxiously, again, as he shrugged his coat on.
"I'm okay, Sonny," Amanda insisted, crouched down as she zipped up Jesse's jacket. "It's just been a long week and I think I'm coming down with something."
"Alright," he sighed. He picked up Luca. "I'll text ya when we get there, okay?"
She nodded and smiled as she stood up straight. "Love you guys. Everybody be good."
"Bye, mama," Jesse called as she bounded toward the front door.
"Bye-bye!" Luca said from Sonny's arms, waving his little hand.
"Bye-bye," Amanda repeated. She leaned in to kiss Sonny.
"Ugh, now I'm contaminated," he scoffed, but he was smiling at her. "Love ya."
Once they were all gone, Amanda curled up on the couch beneath her favorite plush throw blanket, Frannie on one side and Fluffy the kitten on the other. She flipped through the television channels, eventually settling on a Lifetime movie about high school kids cheating on the SATs. It was hardly a cinematic masterpiece, but she was only looking for background noise as she absently scrolled through her phone. Lost in the world of e-mails, news sites and celebrity gossip, she took turns scratching behind Frannie's ears and stroking the kitten's soft little head.
"Hm, Fluffy, what are we gonna call you? You can't be Fluffy forever," Amanda sighed randomly, looking at the animal like she expected him to respond. "Although you've been Fluffy for four months now, maybe it's too late to change it..."
Fluffy batted at Frannie's floppy ear; the dog did nothing, seemingly unfazed. Frannie was most the most patient creature on earth, besides Sonny Carisi.
Nestling further beneath the blanket, Amanda's eyes drifted closed. She wasn't sure how long she slept for before she was awoken by a dull cramping sensation that radiated from her back to her abdomen. It was intermittent, but enough to make her nervous. Picking up her phone again, she went to text Sonny - then thought better of it. It was probably nothing and if she told him about it, he would most likely overreact and come rushing home all flustered. She decided to call the nurse line at her doctor's office instead, knowing that they could offer her the reassurance she needed to get back to her nap.
"Hi, this is Amanda Carisi," she greeted the female voice on the other line, phone cradled between her ear and shoulder.
"Amanda, hi. How can I help you?" the nurse replied.
"I'm a little... well, I'm four and a half months pregnant and I haven't been feeling great today and I've started to feel kind of cramp-y..." she explained.
"Are you bleeding?"
"No, no, I'm not. The cramps just started. I just feel... off. Tired, nauseous, warm... I think I'm coming down with something and I just wanna be sure that..."
"Y'wanna come in?" the nurse offered. "Dr. Miller's at the clinic at Bellevue. We'll do a quick check-up and make sure everything's okay."
"Yeah. Yeah, I'll do that," Amanda agreed.
"It'll give you some peace of mind," the nurse explained. "I'll let him know to expect you."
Pulling herself up off of the couch after hanging up, Amanda felt better already. After her experience giving birth to Jesse, she had needed near-constant reassurance with Luca. Now, she needed it with this baby, too. She tried to make herself look halfway presentable before leaving the house: she tied her hair up into a ponytail, put a bra on beneath her t-shirt and brushed her teeth. She layered a zip-up beneath her leather jacket, grabbed her purse, then headed out into the pleasant April afternoon.
At the Bellevue OB-GYN department, Amanda checked in at the front desk before taking a seat in the waiting room. As she sat, she felt her face growing warm. She pressed her palms against her cheeks, assessing the heat there curiously and silently cursing whatever illness she had contracted. She didn't have time to be sick.
"Amanda?" a nurse called fifteen minutes later, waving her back into the office.
Amanda got up from her seat and almost lost her balance, the entire room shifting before her. She blinked a few times, caught off guard by the sudden bout of dizziness. A darkness began to creep in from the corners of her eyes before her entire field of vision went black, her muscles going slack as she collapsed to the floor.
