5.
The drive to the airport was awkward, Callie barely said a word as Meredith tried to make small talk. Talking about plans for Sofia, what food the little-girl liked for dinner, where she would be sleeping, how many days she would spend in daycare, Callie's scheduled interview with Sofia's old school.
"Yes Meredith, no Meredith, of course Meredith, feed my child what you like Meredith," the general-surgeon mumbled, sneaking a glance at the other women, trying to figure out what was going through her head.
She had expected Callie to be affected by seeing Arizona again, by seeing how broken the other woman was and the knock-on consequences that her actions had caused. What she hadn't expected though was just how hard Callie would fall; after returning from the hospital she had spent a few minutes with her little-girl, held her close, promised her she would never let anything happen to her and then she had gone to her room and cried herself into an exhausted sleep.
"Callie. What happened yesterday?" Meredith finally asked, unable to take the silence anymore.
Callie bit her bottom lip as she tried to stop herself from crying, she didn't want to talk about yesterday, she didn't want to think about yesterday because thinking about it made it real. It made the trauma, devastation and pain that Arizona had been through all too real.
"I did this," Callie whispered. "Not intentionally but my actions broke her.
"Callie, you-"
Almost angrily Callie shook her head. "No. Don't, I know you're my friend Meredith but please don't try and make me feel better about what I did because right now, I need to feel this pain, I need to hurt like this because if I don't … if I don't feel it then … I need to feel it.
"Ok," Meredith agreed. "If you need to talk, I'm here."
"A butterfly flaps it's wings and a tornado happens," Callie mumbled, remembering something one of her high school teachers had told her.
Meredith frowned. "Huh?"
"Chaos theory; how one event can have consequences that you could never in a million years predict. I fell in love with Penny, or at least what my relationship with Penny represented, it was a new start, a chance to be me, after so long of being a part of Callie and Arizona but I didn't in a million years think it would bring me here, to this absolute, all-consuming pain," Callie tried to explain.
Looking at the clock Meredith realized they had over 4 hours before Callie's plane left, making a snap decision she turned left and pulled up to the nearest Starbucks, turning off the engine she led her friend inside, she ordered their usual coffees and found a secluded table at the back of the shop.
"You need to talk and I can be a good listener," Meredith explained as she handed Callie her drink.
"I didn't think about the bigger picture," Callie sighed. "I really thought she would be ok with me taking Sofia to New York, I didn't really think about what a big-deal it was, I just needed to prove to myself, to everyone that I could have a relationship with someone that wasn't Arizona," Callie whispered, her voice broken and thick with guilt.
Meredith nodded, not saying anything and just giving Callie the space she needed to organize her thoughts.
Looking down at her hands Callie played subconsciously with her empty ring finger. "And then she hired a lawyer and I realized she wasn't ok with this. She was so far from ok with this that all I could feel was anger, in my head, it stopped being about Sofia and it became about her trying to control me, I know that's irrational and so far from the truth but anger is … it's consuming. It was never about that, it was always about Sofia, it should always be about Sofia."
"My lawyer said we had to fight hard," Callie continued, her voice dipping even more. "The rational part of my brain knew that wasn't who we were, we weren't hateful people but I agreed because the idea of losing Sofia was more than I could take. But then when the time came, and my lawyer said all of those … horrible things about her she didn't fight back, she didn't let her lawyer destroy me and I should have known then, I should have realized then that … she was being the better person, the better mother," Callie cried, tears falling freely down her face.
"The person I let myself become; I don't know her. When I won I was so happy because it gave me the power to move on with my life but I didn't stop to think, not even for a second that although I had everything I thought I wanted she had lost everything," Callie breathed.
Taking a large gulp of her coffee Callie felt her whole body go rigid as she thought about everything that had happened after that moment, the chaos effect of her actions. "I know what happened after … I'm not to blame … I didn't … it wasn't me, but the way I behaved, the way I accused her of turning her back on Sofia because she couldn't get on the plane. That's all on me and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to fix us."
"Us?" Meredith asked, finally speaking. "Is that what you want? For you and Arizona to be an us again?"
"No. Yes. I don't know, I mean I do know but I don't know what kind of us I want us to be, I just know I want us to be something, I want to be someone she can trust and rely on but I don't know if Arizona is ready for that, I don't know if she'll ever be ready, if she'll ever be able to trust again but … I just want her to be a part of my life Meredith," Callie explained, not sure if she was making sense because right now how she was feeling wasn't making sense. But what she did know, beyond a shadow of a doubt was that the idea of going back to New York, even if only for a week was killing her.
After hearing her friend speaking, seeing the haunted, broken look in her eyes she now knew, without a shadow of a doubt that something had happened to Arizona. That all of the signs, the behavioral changes, long hours at work and obvious weight loss, they all pointed to something, something big. "Callie what happened? What is Arizona dealing with?"
"It's not my story to tell," Callie apologized.
Realizing she was right Meredith nodded, she had already invaded Arizona's trust enough when she had opened the prescription bag. "Right. Yes."
"Whilst I'm in New York, she needs to spend all the time with Sofia that she wants, if that means breaking the rules, having Sofia sleep at the hospital … you need to make it happen, we own the hospital, we're on the board … make it happen ok, whatever Arizona needs, whatever she wants; make it happen," Callie made her friend promise.
"I'll make it happen," Meredith assured her.
Silently Callie finished her coffee. "I know Arizona has people, that … she has people … but make sure she knows that I'm coming back ok? She needs to know that I meant every word I said."
"I'll tell her," Meredith nodded.
"I don't know if we can ever fix this Meredith and I don't know if she even wants to try," Callie cried crushing the empty paper cup in her hand as she wiped furiously at her eyes.
GA – GA – GA
Breathing out as April removed the chest drain Arizona winced at the sharp pain that vibrated through her body. "Can I shower now?" Arizona asked as April pulled the stitches tight.
"Think you can wait a few hours? Jo should be back soon with some clothes and toiletries and then you can shower and get changed into something less attractive than this designer gown," April joked.
"I suppose," Arizona sighed. "I just want to get out of here," she breathed, her hands subconsciously resting on her stomach. "I know that they won't let me home … well to Alex's place for days yet but … I just need to get out of ICU, I need to see Sofia."
April nodded, understanding the pain her friend was going through, at least on some level anyway. "I'll see what I can," she promised.
"Is she here? In the hospital?" Arizona wondered.
"Not yet, I think Meredith is dropping her off in a little while," April replied, remembering an earlier conversation she'd had with Richard.
Looking up at the window where she could make out a silhouette she sighed. "What are people saying about me?"
"People are worried. They know that you are sick, that you have a nasty infection and … that it was bad but they don't know anything else Arizona, the only people that know about the baby are me, Richard, Alex, Michelle and Dr. Peters," April tried to reassure her. "And we won't tell anyone," she promised.
"And Callie," Arizona added.
April's eyes widened at her friend's revelation. "You told her?"
"Everything," Arizona admitted. "I told her everything and she didn't run, she was … hurt, confused, but she didn't run, in fact she did the opposite, she offered to be here for me, for us, in … as much or as little that I want her to be … she wants to be and I don't know what to do with that. For so long, Callie was all I wanted, I wanted her to admit that she was wrong, that giving up on us was wrong but now … what if she was right, we hurt each other more than people should ever hurt each other and I don't know what to do with that," Arizona whispered.
April considered her words carefully before speaking. "Maybe you don't need to know, maybe you just need to be."
"Ok Yoda," Arizona joked, trying to bring some light back into the conversation.
"What I mean is; no one expects you to know all of the answers Arizona, what you are dealing with, what you've been dealing with is so much more than any of us could even begin to understand and Callie knows that. She knows that you need time to just be. So just be Arizona, let Callie help, or don't but just take it one moment at a time, don't put pressure on yourself to feel the need to define what it is just let it happen," April said, realizing that it made a lot more sense in her head than it did when she said it out loud.
Arizona nodded, understanding exactly what her friend was trying to say. "Yeah. One moment at a time."
The moment was interrupted as April's phone started to ring, looking down at the number on it she couldn't help the smile that spread across her face. "I need to take this," she apologized, not giving her friend a chance to ask any questions as she stepped out into the hall.
"Where are you?" April asked the person on the other end.
The conversation lasted another minute before she hung up and headed towards the elevator, just in time to spot Jo and Sofia stepping off.
"Hey," April greeted, taking Arizona's over-night bag from the young intern.
Jo led Sofia towards Arizona's room, stopping just outside. "You remember the rules Shortie?"
"Yep," Sofia popped. "No jumping up on the bed, no sitting on mommy, no tickles and no quick moves," the youngster remembered.
"Right," Jo chuckled.
Sofia looked up at the women, her hands planted on her hips as she frowned. "So can I see her now?"
"Just give me a minute," April requested.
Stepping back into the room she left Jo to deal with in an increasingly impatient Sofia Robinn Sloan-Torres.
"You feeling up to a visitor?" April asked.
Before Arizona had a chance to reply the door swung open, the youngster in question having managed to break free from Jo and head straight into the room where she knew her mother was.
"Mommy," Sofia practically sung as she headed straight for the bed where her mother sat resting against a sea of pillow.
"Hey Little-Goose," Arizona greeted, forgetting all about her aches and pains as she scooped the little girl up onto the bed, smiling through her pain as she held her daughter for the first time in months.
Sofia leaned her head on mother's shoulders as she wrapped her arms around her neck in a giant bear-hug. "I missed you so much."
"I missed you too Baby Girl," Arizona whispered into her hair, trying not to cry as the last thing she wanted to do was confuse and upset her daughter.
Pulling back from her mother Sofia scooted down to the other edge of the bed, sitting in the exact same position her other mother had just 24 hours earlier.
"What's wrong Goose?" Arizona asked, confused by the sudden fear in her daughter's eyes.
"I broke the rules," Sofia cried, her chocolate orbs bright with tears.
Arizona motioned for Sofia to come closer, grateful that she was now off oxygen and only had to contend with 3 hourly albuterol treatments. "What rules?"
"No jumping on the bed, no sitting on you and no quick moves," Sofia recalled. "I jumped on the bed, I sat on your lap and was super quick," Sofia pointed out. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry mommy please don't be mad, I didn't mean to break the rules I was just so excited to see you. Please don't make me go back to New York mommy, I'll be good, I promise, please don't make me go back," she sobbed, her tiny body shaking.
Opening her arms Arizona pulled the young girl into a tight hug as she motioned for a guilty April and Jo to leave, she needed time alone with her daughter. Once they were alone she wrapped her arms right around the Sofia, needing her daughter to know that she was here and she wasn't mad.
"Sofia. Goose, the rules they gave you … they're not like the sort of roles we give you, they were just worried because I have been poorly and some of me is sore but what they didn't know, what they could never know, because it's our secret right is that you have super-magic hugs that make all the sore bits better," Arizona tried to reassure her daughter.
"Really?" Sofia asked, pulling away from her mother and tilting her head up.
Arizona smiled, wiping away the little-girl's tears. "Really. Your super-magic hugs are better than anything the doctors could ever give me. And even if you did break the rules Sof, even if you are naughty or sad or mad you are my little-girl and I would never send you away. You are here, back home and I am never letting you go again."
"I missed you every day mommy," Sofia whispered.
"I missed you every hour," Arizona replied.
Remembering the familiar ritual, they would have whenever Arizona picked her up from school Sofia laughed. "I missed you every minute."
"I missed you every second," Arizona continued.
Sofia blinked her eyes rapidly. "I missed you every blink."
Arizona held her hand to her chest. "I missed you every heartbeat."
"I missed you every breath," Sofia chuckled.
Arizona was quiet for at least 10 seconds before Sofia jumped out of her arms and punched the air. "I win, I win, I win," she sung doing a little dance from where she sat.
Shaking her head at Sofia's antics Arizona laughed as for the first time in months she felt happy, the first real moment of happiness she had felt since she'd lost custody of her daughter. "I love you so, so much Goose."
"Love you too," Sofia breathed, leaning back against her mother. "Mama says we are coming back to Seattle forever and ever and ever, is that true, like really, really true?"
Hearing the uncertainty in her voice Arizona hated that her little-girl was doubting their words. "It's really, really true Sof, you are here now and you are always going to be here with me and with mama."
"Like before?" Sofia wondered.
"Sort of," Arizona agreed. "Like before New York where we have different houses but we still see each other all the time."
Sofia sighed. "Can we have the same house like before, before?"
"I'm sorry Baby but we have different houses. Mama and I … but we both love you more than anything else in the world and you can see us both whenever you want, I promise," Arizona tried to reassure her.
"But you're sick, and when I'm sick you both look after me and I feel so much better. Mama and I will look after you, we will make you better," Sofia tried, wanting things to be how they used to be, back when both of her mothers were happy.
Arizona bit her bottom lip, before moving Sofia so that she was looking her straight in the eye. "I already am better, I had a dose of super-hugs, I feel better than I have in a long, long time."
GA – GA – GA
Walking in to the apartment she and Sofia had been sharing with Penny for the last few months Callie sighed, hearing soft music coming from the bedroom she realized Penny was home, she knew she would have to talk to her, that her girlfriend, soon-to-be ex-girlfriend, deserved an explanation but after everything she had been through in the last 24 hours she wasn't sure she was ready.
"I've been calling you," Penny said, stepping out of the bedroom and facing her girlfriend.
"Sorry," Callie apologized, mentally and physically exhausted.
Penny sat down on the sofa, waiting for Callie to follow suit. "I've been worried," she admitted as she watched her pour a glass of water before sitting down. "I got home and you were gone," she pointed out.
"Sorry," Callie repeated, fearing she was going to be spending the next few hours apologizing. "I had an emergency to deal with," she sighed.
"In Seattle," Penny added for her.
Callie could see where this was going, that the redhead was looking for a fight, a fight that she would end up blaming on Callie's ex. "Yes. I mean I was going to be going there anyway to drop Sofia off with Arizona so that she could spend some time her so … I just moved up my flight."
"I thought she said no to having Sofia?" Penny remembered.
"She managed to move a few things around," Callie shrugged, normally she would feel guilty for lying but right now she was struggling to feel anything other than pain.
Penny smiled. "So how long have we got the place to ourselves for?" she whispered, moving closer to the other woman so that she practically sitting on her lap.
Unable to comprehend being physical with anyone after the traumatic truth she had learnt yesterday Callie flinched.
"What the hell," Penny shouted, standing up and moving back.
"I'm sorry," Callie cried, unable to stop the tears from falling.
Reading between the lines Penny shook her head. "No."
"Penny," Callie tried, needing to explain the situation. "Look … I …"
Penny held up her hand to stop the other woman from talking. "No. Just no. You spend a few days in Seattle and suddenly I disgust you. I mean I know we've been arguing, that things have been hard but that happens in new relationships Callie. It doesn't mean you throw in the towel. I love you and you-"
"I don't love you," Callie admitted.
"I-"
"I thought I did," Callie interrupted, needing to say what she was trying to say now before she lost her nerve. "I really did Penny but … I was in love with everything you represented, I wish I could explain it better, you deserve better but I can't give you that."
Penny shook her head, her eyes bright with anger. "No. You don't get to just end this, not without trying."
"It's over Penny," Callie told her, needing to say the actual words.
"Did something happen in Seattle. She said something didn't she? She did this … is it because of Sofia, did she make you feel bad for taking her away because she's your daughter Callie, she belongs with you, the courts agreed, Arizona is an unfit mother, Sofia is better-"
"Stop," Callie shouted, unable to listen to her bad mouth Arizona anymore.
Penny laughed, a loud, bitter laugh. "Oh my God I'm right, you're breaking up with me because of her."
"I'm breaking up with you because my daughter's life is falling apart, Sofia is drowning here Penny and so am I. Seattle is our home, and yes Arizona is a big part of that because she is Sofia's mother but … it's our home. Seattle needs us and we need to be in Seattle," Penny explained.
"So, you're leaving," Penny whispered, realizing that she wasn't going to change her mind.
Callie nodded. "I'm leaving."
"When?" Penny wanted to know.
"Today," Callie replied, having already made up her mind on the flight to New York.
Penny's eyes widened in alarm. "Wow. How long have you been planning this?"
"I just decided," Callie admitted. "When I was in Seattle, when I saw how happy Sofia is there, how happy I am there, how much Arizona needs Sofia there."
"Arizona is a big girl," Penny raged. "She can look after herself for a few days, we have things we need to sort out, we have a home together."
Callie looked down at the ground. "House. It's a house Penny not a home and I have already paid out the lease. Stay till the end, don't stay it's completely up to you but I am here to pack my stuff, ring Sofia's school and that is it."
"I don't even know what to say," Penny admitted. "I really thought we had something."
"So did I," Callie breathed. "But I need to be back in Seattle, I wasn't lying when I said I went there for an emergency."
Penny raised her eyebrows in an accusing manner. "An Arizona related emergency?"
"She's sick," Callie hedged.
"Of course she is," Penny muttered.
Callie looked up from the ground. "No. She really is, she's in ICU, she's in a bad way Penny and together or not Arizona is my family, she's Sofia's family and she needs me, I need to be there for her."
"Fine. But just remember one thing, when she's better, when you've finished playing the hero out of some really misguided sense of guilt, we will still be over, if you leave now that's it, it's really, really it," Penny insisted.
Callie turned around and headed towards the bedroom. "It's already really, really over," she muttered under her breath, more than ready to move everything back to Seattle.
It took Callie just 4 hours to get everything sorted and packed ready to move back to Seattle, looking at her watch she realized that she had nearly an hour until the shipping company would be here to take her stuff.
Opening her laptop she logged on to her e-mails as she tried to find the address of the real estate agent she had last used, coming up blank she sent Meredith a text message asking for her advice, instead the only response she got was that her and Sofia were welcome to stay with them for as long as they needed.
"Urgh," she groaned, she was an adult, a mother, she needed a place of her own.
Turning back to her laptop she searched for real estate agents in Seattle, entering her search criteria before starting to scroll through the houses they had to offer.
On the first few pages nothing caught her eyes, it wasn't until she was about to give up when she saw it. A perfect 4-bedroom, 3-bathroom single story house. It had a large yard, pale blue exterior, white fence and was within driving distance to GSMH.
Making a snap decision Callie dialed a very familiar number. "Daddy. I need your help."
"Mija. What's wrong?" Carlos asked, immediately sensing the devastation in his daughter's voice.
Not knowing where to start Callie bit her bottom lip, she couldn't cry, there was no time for crying. "I'm moving back to Seattle. Er … Sofia, she needs to be back in Seattle, she's miserable here and so am I, things with Penny are over and … Arizona needs us and I need to be with her."
"Mi-"
"I nearly lost her daddy," Callie whispered. "And not just in an our marriage is over sense but in the she nearly died sense. She's been sick, really, really sick and for a while it was touch and go but she's going to be ok and I don't know if we will ever be ok but I need to try. I need to try and build some kind of a relationship for Sofia's sake but in order for that to happen we need to be in Seattle. I gave everything up but there's this house, it's perfect and it had everything we will need but…"
Carlos could hear in his daughter's voice that she really needed this, that he needed to do this for her. "How much do you need?"
"I have more than enough in my trust fund, it's just I can't take that much out in one go so I was wondering of you could call your accountant and remove the restrictions, just for a short while, I know it's a lot but, please," Callie pleaded.
"I can't do that Mija," Carlos sighed. "Your trust fund is for long-term needs. Sofia's school, college and anything she might need."
"Daddy-"
Smiling to himself Carlos interrupted her. "But if this is what you really want, if this house is everything you want then it's yours Mija. Just let me know how much and I will send you the money."
Unable to stop the tears from falling now Callie didn't know how to thank him. "It is. It's perfect. Thank-you, just, thank-you."
"Anything," Carlos reassured her.
"I just need her to be ok. I need Arizona to be ok and I need my family to be ok that's … all I need, all I've always needed I just couldn't see it," Callie admitted.
Carlos had been devastated at the breakdown of his daughter's marriage, the blonde surgeon having a very special place in his heart and life. "I love you Mija. Arizona and Sofia too."
Sending a message to the real estate agent Callie ended the call with her father, a large smile spreading across her face as she realized that she was in this, no matter what, no matter how long it would take she was going to get her family back.
