all that I know is I'm breathing / all I can do is keep breathing
At eleven fifteen, Amanda crept through the front door. Everything hurt: her feet, her legs, even her face. She had spent the last twelve hours going door-to-door with other officers doing well-being checks on the seemingly endless stream of tips that had flowed into the precinct. The press conference combined with a wider distribution of Baby Doe's photograph had caused outrage, not only in New York City, but beyond, too. Suddenly everyone had theories, everyone knew how to do the police's job better, but still nobody could offer any concrete clues to the little girl's identity or the manner of her death. Amanda had never been under so much scrutiny before; this was her very first major case as a sergeant. Liv was at the forefront, too, but she was used to eyes on her by now. Amanda much preferred to keep her police work away from television cameras and newspapers, but Baby Doe's case had become too massive to investigate under the radar.
She had only seen Sonny for a total of twenty minutes that day: their paths had crossed briefly in the squad room. Sonny was charged with the same task Amanda was - canvasing neighborhoods for information - except he had started earlier and therefore returned home first. Both of her children were obviously asleep by the time she showed up, which made her stomach turn with a guilt that had been simmering there for weeks. Even though SVU provided a great distraction from the trauma of her miscarriage, their working theory about Baby Doe's parents murdering her had Amanda looking at her own role as a mother.
The first floor was dark as she kicked off her boots and walked into the kitchen. She flipped on the light to illuminate the space, everything spotless except for the island, which was covered in what she recognized as some of Sonny's law books. Clearly he had been researching something before he had gone to bed. Amanda shrugged off her blazer and pulled her white t-shirt out of the waistband of the olive green pants she had worn that day. Sighing, she pulled open the refrigerator and gazed inside. She spotted a Tupperware container filled with what she knew to be chicken piccata - of course, Sonny had made dinner. Suddenly starving, she popped open the top, grabbed a fork and dug into the pasta cold.
Eating, she sunk down onto a stool at the island and began to curiously finger through one of the books Sonny had left out: Contemporary Criminal Law. As she ate, her eyes roamed over the text: ...in 1969, five motives that explain why parents kill their children were described (see table 5). These motives include fatal maltreatment, partner revenge, unwanted child, altruistic, and acutely psychotic. The most common reason a child is killed by a parent is fatal maltreatment, the end result of abuse or neglect. She flipped to the next page, simultaneously intrigued and disturbed. The least common is partner revenge, in which a parent kills the child in order to make the other parent suffer emotionally. An unwanted child is killed because that child is seen as a hindrance to the parent's goals. Alternatively, in altruistic child murder, the parent kills the child out of love. These parents may kill their child in association with their own suicide or to protect the child from a fate worse than death...
"Thinkin' of a career change?"
Startled, Amanda turned around to see Sonny walking into the kitchen wearing a tired smirk. His hands were buried in the pocket of his old, threadbare Saint John's hoodie as he shuffled over to her side.
She grinned. Her heart warmed at the sight of him; after hours of talking to strangers, she hadn't realized how much she had missed the familiar until that very moment. She tugged the fabric of his sweatshirt gently, tilted her head up and kissed him. "Not a chance," she murmured.
When he pulled away, Sonny rested a hand on her thigh. He raised an eyebrow at the food she was eating and looked pained. "I'm gonna heat that up for you," he told her, taking the half-eaten container away from her.
"It's good cold," Amanda assured him even though he was already putting it in the microwave - he got offended whenever she mistreated food. She turned back to what she had been reading, tired eyes going over the words again. Her gaze kept drifting back to the term unwanted child. She had felt unwanted as a kid, but even despite their insanity, her parents had never tried to kill her. She had been hit and yelled at, sure, but her mother and father had never been so repelled by her existence that they had brutalized her. And her children? Jesse and Luca hadn't been planned, but Amanda loved them so fiercely that she would only ever consider murdering for them. Her last baby, the one she was trying very hard not to think about anymore, the one who she still privately fantasized about in any quiet moment she could steal - he would have been precious to her, too. Frowning, she looked up. "Sonny?"
He set her now-warm meal back down on the island. "Hm?"
She sighed as she turned toward him in her seat. "Am I a bad mom?"
Sonny looked confused. "What? Why would you think that?"
Amanda picked a caper out of the pasta and shrugged.
He walked toward her, her legs parting slightly so he could stand between them. His hands roamed up and down the sides of her thighs slowly. "Is this 'cause of what Jesse said the other day? About Audrey?"
"That's part of it, yeah." She took a bite of her food and chewed thoughtfully. "I just... I've been having this thought lately..."
"What kinda thought?" he asked curiously.
Amanda hesitated. She wasn't sure how to properly articulate what was on her mind, but she also didn't want to keep it from Sonny. Lately it felt like a betrayal to shut him out, even if he didn't always know when it was happening. Amanda figured that was growth; she had finally come to appreciate the value of open communication. "Like maybe, if I'm already strugglin' working and being here with the kids now..." she began carefully. "If the baby had been born..."
"What are you sayin'? You don't want another kid?" Sonny demanded anxiously, blue eyes wide.
"No, no, I do," she promised him, squeezing one of the hands that was resting against her thigh. She concluded sheepishly, honestly, "it's just lately I feel like maybe I don't deserve one."
His features turned sad. "That's a terrible thing to think, 'Manda," he told her quietly.
She shrugged. "You're always bothering me to tell you what's on my mind..."
"No, I mean, I'd rather you to talk to me but, ah, that's just not true," he insisted. He squeezed her legs. "Don't let this case... don't let it get you thinkin' all crazy."
Amanda nodded. "Workin' on it."
Sonny leaned and kissed her. "Come to bed," he murmured. "I haven't seen you all day."
"You're seeing me right now," she reminded him, grinning.
"No, I haven't seen you," he clarified, his smirk evident in his tone as his hands crept up her legs so his palms could slide beneath her t-shirt.
"Ah." She wrapped her legs around Sonny's, trapping him, and her arms hung loosely around his neck. "I have missed you," she sighed into his mouth, as if she was only just realizing it. "How is it possible that we live and work together, but never see one another?"
His fingers splayed over her ribcage. "Because we're both nuts."
She hummed a little noise of agreement and touched her lips to his again.
Gantry Plaza State Park in Long Island City was unnervingly close to where Baby Doe had washed ashore, but Jesse and Luca loved it there. It was a warm and sunny Saturday that was too beautiful to spend inside and their small backyard felt woefully insufficient for all of the children's energy. Instead, they went out to breakfast before trekking across the street from the restaurant to the modern, colorful playground by the water. Wearing sunglasses and sipping iced coffee, Sonny and Amanda hovered around the equipment as Jesse sprinted from activity to activity and Luca toddled closely behind her. Frannie, donning a new blue bandana, followed them all.
Sonny pushed Luca on the swings one-handed. "Look at you! You're flyin'!" he exclaimed enthusiastically as the baby shrieked with laughter.
"Up! Up!" Luca would say every time he slowed down, his little arms and legs flailing eagerly.
"Mama, why can't we take Fluffy to the park?" Jesse asked as she swung beside her brother.
"I don't think he'd like being on a leash," Amanda mused.
"I don't want him to be sad," the little girl explained.
"Sad? He lives the life in our house," Sonny scoffed. "Your mother carries him around like he's too special to walk."
"That was one time, and he had something stuck in his paw!" Amanda told him indignantly.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Rollins?" a male voice behind her said.
Amanda turned around to see an unfamiliar man standing near by. He was dressed neatly in a button down, blazer and dark jeans. She took a curious step closer to him. "Hi, yeah..."
"My name is Justin Levy," the man began.
"Do I know you?" she asked, confused.
"No, but I've been following your Baby Doe investigation very closely," he said smoothly.
She crossed her arms over her chest, suspicious. "Are you a reporter?"
"I work for the Ledger, yes," Justin admitted hesitantly, as if he had hoped that wouldn't come up.
"How'd you find me here?" Amanda demanded.
He shifted in his spot. "I've been lingering around this area."
Amanda quirked an amused eyebrow. "You always make a point of hangin' out at playgrounds?"
"No, but you know this is close to where Baby Doe was found," Justin answered her. "The area is crawling with media."
She had only been talking to him for two minutes, but she could feel herself getting annoyed. "Well, I've got a Saturday off and I'm here with my kids, so-"
That appeared to pique his interest. "You have kids?"
Her brow furrowed. "Yes..."
Justin peered over her shoulder at the swing set behind her. "That them?"
"What exactly do you want from me?" Amanda asked brusquely, immediately unsettled by the turn in the conversation. "I can't comment on the investigation."
"I'm just wondering if you've gotten anywhere with that expensive laboratory test-"
"I just told you, I can't comment."
"A uniformed officer mentioned to me-"
"Look, some people in NYPD have big mouths, but I don't," she snapped.
She felt Sonny appear at her side; her tone of voice must have gotten his attention. "Hey, can I help you with something?" Sonny asked Justin sharply.
"Who are you?" Justin said.
"Who are you?" Sonny retorted.
"Justin Levy, from the Ledger." Justin stuck his hand out, but Sonny didn't shake it. "We're just talking about the Baby Doe investigation."
"No, you were talking about it," Amanda corrected him. "I told you that I have nothing to say."
"You heard her, she's got nothin' to say," Sonny reiterated irritably.
"Anything you say can be kept anonymous," Justin insisted eagerly.
"Yeah, right. I was born at night, but not last night, buddy," Sonny remarked sarcastically. "Get lost."
Justin appeared unfazed. "You must realize that this has gotten nationwide attention. People deserve to know what's going on in their community."
"You're right, they do. But our job is to serve the public, not you, so we'll serve them how we see fit," Amanda retorted. "Now get outta here before I arrest you for harassment."
Wearing a tight smile, the reporter put both of his hands up in a symbol of defeat. "Sorry to interrupt your Saturday, Sergeant," he offered insincerely before slowly walking away.
Amanda dug through her desk drawer in search of Advil for her headache. The pain throbbed at the base of her skull and down the muscles of her neck, making it nearly impossible to concentrate. Her hands pushed aside years of pens, post-it notes, business cards and paper clips in hopes of encountering the bottle she stashed there. In the process, out of the corner of her eye, she saw Fin and Sonny appear by her side. She looked up at them expectantly through her bangs.
"That speciality lab in Utah responded with the results of their testing," Fin told her.
"And?" she asked anxiously, sitting up straight.
Sonny passed her a large manila envelope before settling his hands on his hips. "It says they wrapped the hair samples in silver capsules, then heated them until they turn into a gas. I guess they put the gas into a machine, then that machine turns it into numbers. The numbers don't mean anything until they're compared with maps showin' where the chemical elements in Baby Doe's teeth and hair would most likely be found."
"Okay, and?" Amanda prompted him again, trying to avoid actually having to read the scientific gibberish herself.
"Basically, they told us stuff Warner's office already found: that she had spent some of her life in 'other east coast states,'" Fin concluded bluntly.
She slumped in her chair, defeated. "Damnit."
"Glad the city spent three grand on that garbage," Sonny mumbled as he walked away to go to the break room.
Rubbing the back of her neck with her palm, she sighed. Liv wasn't going to be happy; Chief Dodds would be even less thrilled. She reached for her phone to text her lieutenant, but it rang in her hand. She recognized the number as Jesse's school.
"Hello?" she answered.
"Hi, Amanda? This is Kate from Queensview," a woman's voice replied.
"Oh, hey, Kate." She balanced the phone between her ear and shoulder as she resumed searching for medication. "What's up?"
"I'm going to guess you're at work so I'm sorry to bother you, but uh, there's been a little incident," Kate explained.
Amanda froze. "An incident? Is Jesse okay?"
"Yeah," she told her tentatively. "But... she punched a boy in her after school program on the playground."
"What?!" she blurted, shocked. "She did what?"
"I didn't see what happened, but there was some kind of disagreement," Kate told her. "Ben said Jesse started it, Jesse said he did. She wouldn't talk to anybody. Since it was the end of the day anyway, Audrey took her home a minute ago and I told her I'd let you know."
"Oh my God, I can't believe this." Amanda caught Fin's eye; he looked confused. "Is he okay?"
"Ben's got quite the bruise beginning on his face but he's okay. Nothing serious," Kate insisted.
"I am so sorry," Amanda moaned, both embarrassed and concerned. "I, well, her father and I will be home soon and we're gonna give her a talkin' to."
"Do you think you could bring her in tomorrow morning? We can all meet to make sure that everybody is gonna get along."
"Of course. Yeah. Absolutely," she agreed anxiously. "Thanks, Kate."
When she hung up, she tilted her head back and closed her eyes, momentarily overwhelmed. She dragged her fingers through her hair with a groan.
"What happened?" Fin asked curiously.
"Jesse punched some kid in her after school program," she told him weakly as she blinked him into focus.
Fin raised his eyebrows, looking amused. "Good thing she doesn't have your squirrel gun."
"Jesse! Get down here," Sonny hollered at the base of the stairs. Amanda stood beside him, arms crossed over her chest, Luca holding onto her leg.
Holding Fluffy, Jesse slowly made her descent. Her brown eyes were wide with fear.
Looking stern, Sonny pointed at the living room couch. "Sit."
She put the cat down gently, padded into the other room and obediently sat down on the sofa.
"What happened between you and Ben today?" Amanda demanded once she was standing in front of her daughter. Luca followed her, and she picked him up even though her attention was focused elsewhere.
Jesse shrugged and avoided her mother's eyes. "I dunno."
"You don't know?" she repeated incredulously.
"Miss Kate said you punched him. Are you callin' Miss Kate a liar?" Sonny asked dryly.
"No..." Jesse said.
"So, you punched Ben. Why would you do something like that?" Amanda exploded. "You are going into kindergarten in four months, you're a big girl and you need to act like one."
"He was being annoying," the five-year-old whined.
"Well, guess what? You got a long life of boys being annoying and you can't deal with it by punching them," she snapped.
"He said dumb stuff!" Jesse insisted.
Sonny sighed. "What kind of dumb stuff?"
She wriggled around in her seat. "He said, he said that his dad said that police officers are stupid and don't know anything," she told them hurriedly. The little girl looked between the two of them. "You know lots of things."
Amanda and Sonny blinked at her, then glanced at one another, both temporarily speechless.
"So I punched him and he cried like a big baby," Jesse concluded proudly.
Sonny sat down next to her. "Jesse, sweetheart. I understand what you were tryin' to do but, you went about it the wrong way," he explained gently. "You should have walked away."
"Miss Kate said that too," the little girl mumbled.
He nodded. "She's a smart lady."
"Uh huh."
"You know that in this family we don't hit people. Ever," Amanda said, still standing with Luca on her hip. "That is not how we solve problems."
"Yes, mama," Jesse responded quietly, looking down at her lap.
"Maybe what Ben said wasn't so smart, but you still shouldn't have hit him," she continued.
"I know," Jesse grumbled.
"So tomorrow, you and me, we're gonna go into school and apologize to Ben. Understand?" Amanda concluded sternly.
Jesse nodded. "Yes."
"Now give me a hug and go up to your room, please," she told her daughter, her firm expression softening. "We'll call you for dinner."
The little girl got up, head bowed, and walked over to her mother. Amanda crouched down and hugged her, smoothing a hand over her head before standing upright again to allow her to continue to the stairs.
"Bye-bye!" Luca called, waving his hand at his sister.
"Mama?" Jesse said suddenly.
Amanda turned around. "Yeah?"
"Are you going to go back to work now?" she asked timidly.
A jolt of guilt squeezed at her heart. "No, I'm not."
"Okay." With that, Jesse disappeared up the stairs.
Still carrying Luca, she walked into the kitchen and popped the cork out of a wine bottle one-handed. She dumped the dark red liquid into the nearest clean glass.
"Juice!" her son chirped, grabbing at her cup.
"Ah, no, mama's juice," Amanda scolded him, holding the wine out of his reach. "And she really, really needs it."
