Chapter Thirty Two

Sunday 30th June

Stop looking at the dirt

Once inside the restaurant, after Mr Li had finished making a fuss of them, they sat in awkward silence waiting for their meal to arrive.

"So you said something about fraud?" Nikki began in an effort to break the deadlock.

"Yes, do you remember me talking to you about the mark scheme I was given to use?"

"Not really," she replied.

"Oh." There wasn't much Harry could add if she'd not remembered. He watched her playing with her glass, swilling her free drink around and around. She may have asked the question but she wasn't really listening to him.

"I could have got my boss in big trouble."

"Some things don't change," she said idly.

"But I didn't."

"Oh." They were at another impasse.

"So you decided to come back."

"No, I decided to move on."

To Harry's relief, the food began to arrive. But the conversation over the meal was more awkward than before. Nikki was right; Mr Li did make a fuss of them, they had free drinks and free prawn crackers but despite his jollity the mood between them was definitely in a minor rather than a major key. There had been too much said in anger that morning, too much change and too much time passed for them to slip comfortably back into their old easy friendship. Nikki concentrated on looking at her food rather than look up at Harry.

She made a good show of eating, but Harry could tell she wasn't used to it.

"You've not been eating properly," he said jabbing a pork ball with his chop sticks and pushing the plate towards her to encourage her to eat more.

"No I've not," she said simply.

Harry ate for a while more. She hadn't lied to him. She hadn't said 'I'm fine, or I have, or none of your business,' it was a good answer. Maybe if they were able to talk honestly about the small things the day would come when they could talk honestly about the really big things. He could see the lines on her brow were more prominent, the dark circles under her eyes. Even her hair had seemed to have lost its usual shine, just as their friendship had been tarnished by their pain and separation.

"I don't want your share of Leo's house," he reiterated.

"I know," she replied. "I think I was in shock too."

"You had every right to be. I really am sorry."

"How's Jorge?" she asked after nibbling on a prawn cracker.

"He's gone to Las Vegas."

"For a holiday?"

"Nope," Harry said with a grin, happy for his friend and happy that they had finally found a non-threatening, mutually agreeable topic of conversation. "He's been asked to do a big show at one of the casino's there."

"For real?"

"Oh yes, for real! He's been emailing me photos of them both all over town at all the landmarks. He's having a ball!"

"Beto went with him!"

"Yep, just chucked in his job and went." Harry paused. "They wanted me to go too."

It was Nikki's turn to smile then. "Why didn't you?"

"Well I'd chucked my job in at that point, I had no right to stay and work there…"

"Why didn't you go with them?" she repeated.

Harry thought back to her earlier answer. Her honest no frills answer. What could he say: he didn't belong in Vegas, he wanted to come home, he needed to be in London, he wanted to be in London, he wanted to be with her?

"I wanted to be here with you," he said boldly.

"Good job Mr Li's hadn't shut down altogether then," she replied deliberately misconstruing his words.

"You know that's not what I meant," Harry said but instead of it being a genial reproof he could hear more and more dissonant notes in the tune they were composing between them. A waiter arrived to clear their plates providing a welcome rest from the stress of the conversation.

"What's does your fortune cookie recommend?" he asked to change the subject.

Nikki cracked open the shell and pulled out her paper. They had sat in restaurants like this and in their houses on many occasions over the years together but Nikki was remembering their time together in New York, sat comparing fortune cookies, all smiles and contentment. This was a very different affair. Back then she'd have made up a silly response: you will find a surprise at your front door, a great fortune awaits you, an old friend is of more worth than gold. But today the discordance between them would mute the humour. Instead she read what was actually on the paper.

"When you look down, all you see is dirt. Keep on looking up."

Harry shrugged and read his, "Do not be covered in sadness or fooled by happiness, both must exist."

Harry signalled the waiter for the bill.

"I can pay," Nikki began reaching for her handbag.

"I still owe you for that taxi fare," Harry said. "I'll get this."

"Thanks."

"Do you want me to drive you to your mother's?" Nikki asked.

Harry sat back in his chair. He was tired now and there was nothing he would like more than Nikki to drive him across town to his mother's. But if Nikki drove him back, his mother was bound to ask her in and there were all sorts of questions he wasn't ready to face. He had tried to explain his reasons for leaving New York and setting up his own business but he was sure she hadn't really understood. He really wasn't ready to have the conversation with his mother in Nikki's presence, or in fact the conversation about his intentions with respect to Nikki that his mother was bound to initiate.

"It's a nice evening, I think I'll take the train," he suggested.

He saw the relief flicker across Nikki's face. She would have been happy to have driven him but she wasn't ready to be social either.

"Do you want me to bring your bags over to Leo's?" Nikki asked.

"Would you mind?"

"I don't want them in my spare room forever if that's what you're asking?"

"It wasn't. But yes, I'll stay at Mum's tonight and then she can take me to the solicitor tomorrow, sort out the keys, I'll have to get a new phone or contract or something, I'll let you know the number. I've got enough clothes to last until Wednesday." He said tapping his bag.

"I'll drop your bags off one day after work then," she said.

Harry went to shake Mr Li's hand as they left the restaurant and compliment him on the new place. Nikki stood in the doorway waiting for him.

"I'll see you in the week then," Harry said. He didn't quite know what the situation required, he couldn't shake her hand that would be too formal, but he couldn't kiss her either so instead he did nothing. "Thanks for coming to rescue me."

"No problem," Nikki said, staring back down at the pavement. "Thanks for dinner."

"Hey, you're fortune cookie told you to stop looking at the dirt," he said.

She looked up into his face then, Harry could see the tears swimming in her eyes. She'd thought for one moment that morning that she was beginning to get a grip back on life but now Harry was back and suddenly her world was seemingly spinning out of control again.

"I'm sorry Nikki."

One tear began to run down Nikki's cheek and without even thinking Harry reached out and wiped it away with his thumb.

"Do you know what for?" she asked.

"For everything."

"It wasn't all your fault."

"No but plenty was," he added.

They stood in silence for a moment. Nikki had gone back to focusing on his shoulder and Harry was looking at the dirt, stuck not knowing what to say, or how to leave.

"Welcome home," she said after the interminable silence, with as much of a smile as she could manage.

"Thanks," he replied desperately fighting the urge to pull her against him for a hug and wishing for their old dynamic to come back. "It's good to be home. I'll see you in the week."

She crossed the road back to her car and Harry walked briskly up the street in the direction of the station. Happiness and sadness; you had to have both he thought. Somehow though, his scales seemed to be weighted on the sadness side. Wasn't it time he caught a break? It was certainly time she did.


Have a suspicion that this one may have originally been written at the time of my son's music exam, you only get marks for scoring 8 or above on the musical references!