9.
Helping herself to a forkful of pancakes Arizona moaned happily, over the last week her appetite had returned with a vengeance. So much so that none of her clothes, except the elasticated ones seemed to fit anymore.
"JoJo?" Sofia said, looking up from her breakfast plate.
Jo paused halfway through cleaning the dishes. "Short Stuff."
"I'm not short," Sofia frowned, sitting up taller on the stool as if trying to prove her point.
Standing next to her Jo kissed her on top of the head. "You're shorter than me."
"I was going to ask you a very important question but I'm not now," Sofia huffed, stabbing at her breakfast.
Jo couldn't help but laugh at the pout that filled the young girl's whole face. "Sorry Sof. You know I love you really."
"I love you too," Sofia sighed. "Which is why I wanted to ask you something super-secret and super important," she looked over to where her mommy sat, climbing down off the stool she motioned for Jo to follow her as Arizona watched on with amusement.
Jo called over her shoulder. "We'll be back in a minute."
Entering the office, which was now pretty much Sofia's playroom they flopped down onto the oversized beanbag chairs. "So … as my mommy is living with you now, and I live with her most of the time does that mean we are family? Because Zola said that the people you live with are your family."
"I guess so," Jo agreed. "If that's what you want."
"Awesome," Sofia smiled. "Because I was thinking we should ask my mommies to adapt you?"
Jo frowned. "Adapt me?"
Sofia nodded. "Yeah like Auntie Mer and Uncle Der adapted Zola and became her mommy and daddy. My mommy and mama could adapt you and become your mommy and mama, that way I have 2 sisters just like Zola has a brother and sister. She always has more than me, I want 2 sisters."
"That's very sweet Sof," Jo began. "But I think I am a little bit too old to be adopted, you see I'm a grown-up."
"So you don't need mommies?" Sofia wondered.
Jo bit her bottom lip to try and keep herself from crying. "Everyone needs mommies Sof, but sometimes, just sometimes it's a little too late for some people."
"Oh," Sofia whispered. "And would your mommy and daddy be upset if you had a different mommy and mama?"
"I don't have a mommy and daddy," Jo replied, wondering how she would explain her complicated childhood to a 6-year-old, even one as smart as Sofia.
Sofia's eyes lit up. "Do you have 2 mommies too? Or do you have 2 daddies? Leo at school has 2 daddies and no mommy."
"I … er … something like that. You see when I was little I was what is called a foster-child, which means that I didn't have a mommy and daddy, or mommies, or daddies that were just mine instead I lived in big houses with lots of children where different people looked after me," Jo tried to explain.
"Like daycare?" Sofia wondered.
Jo smiled at the comparison. "Yes. A bit like a daycare, only I lived there."
"I like daycare," Sofia said. "But I wouldn't want to live there, it's too noisy and you have to share everything. I like being at home with mommy and mama."
"That's because you have 2 amazing moms. And I am really, really happy that you would like me to be you sister Sof but … you know what? I think it's ok that there is only you and your baby-sister because you will be the best big sister in the world," Jo tried to reassure her.
Standing up Sofia motioned for Jo to follow. "I know that. Because I'm the best."
"You sure are," Jo chuckled, taking her hand and heading out of the playroom.
"And Jo, even though you are too old to be adapted you can still be my family," Sofia vowed as they headed back into the kitchen.
As her friend and daughter re-entered the room Arizona immediately spotted the unshed tears in the other woman's eyes. "Everything ok?"
"Yeah," Jo nodded.
"You sure?" Arizona frowned.
Waiting until the little girl had finished her breakfast Arizona instructed her to go and get everything she needed for daycare as they were already running late. Once she was alone she turned to face her suddenly too quiet friend.
"Spill," she ordered.
"Sofia asked if you and Callie could adopt me, she wants to have 2 siblings just like Zola," Jo explained.
Arizona couldn't help but laugh. "Oh God … I'm sorry it's not funny … although it kind of is. What did you tell her?"
"I told her that I was really happy she wanted me to be a part of her family but that I was too old to be adopted," Jo explained. "You're right, it is funny … I mean the fact she thinks you guys are old enough to be my mommies is …"
"Oi," Arizona warned, throwing a slice of toast at her.
"It just … brought back memories of being the kid no one wanted is all," Jo whispered as she continued loading the dishwasher.
Sliding down off the stool Arizona made her way over to where her friend was knelt looking for the dishwasher tablets. "You know you haven't been that person in a long time right? People want you in their life Jo. So many people."
"I know," Jo agreed. "So, you ready for your first day back at work?"
Realizing that Jo needed to change the subject Arizona nodded. "It's a 6-hour shift, I think I can manage."
"I know … but if it gets too much," Jo started, not sure if she should continue.
"I know where to find you," Arizona reassured her. "It's not the work I'm worried about," Arizona admitted after a few minutes silence. "Pretty soon there's going to be no hiding the fact I'm pregnant. I have a meeting with Bailey today and I know she will understand but everyone else … you know how people talk," she sighed.
Jo turned the dishwasher on and leaned against the fridge. "You don't need to tell them anything Arizona. This is your life, your baby and … let them think what they want."
"They will anyway," Arizona breathed, calling up the stairs for Sofia as she lifted her bag over her shoulder.
"Then they will have me to deal with," Jo vowed as the trio headed out, the older pair for work and the youngest for a day in daycare.
GA – GA – GA
Taking a deep breath Arizona headed towards the NICU, it had been just over 4 weeks since she was here as a doctor and 2 weeks since she was discharged as a patient. Today she had 2 consults, one video assist and a surgery to remove amniotic bands from a 24-weeker, a baby that was almost exactly the same gestation as her own.
After that she had a growth scan with her OBGYN, initially she had been worried, maybe even freaking out a little bit. However, over the last week or so she had been gaining weight, her stomach had been growing and her daughter's movements becoming more and more of a regular pattern.
Gowning up she approached the far end crib where a tiny, scrap of a baby lay nestled within a spiderweb of wires and tubes.
"What's the story Karev?" Arizona asked as an intern handed her the chart.
"Joseph Henderson, 2-weeks-old, born at 23 plus 2 weeks, he has been doing well but last night his abdomen became distended and he started having desaturation," Alex explained.
Arizona looked at the chart. "His infection markers are within normal limits. Did the ultrasound show any signs of NEC?"
"Nope," Alex said, shaking his head as he handed her the tablet where he had already loaded the images. "Did you order a-"
"CT. Yep, next set of images," Alex pointed out.
Looking at the black and white images Arizona felt her hand instinctively move to her stomach. "What's your plan?"
"I don't know," Alex admitted. "I have never seen a tumor this … intricate … let alone in a baby this size, I was thinking transplant but there's no way UNOS would list him he's too high risk. Then I considered getting a scan with contrast but mom's allergic and there is no way I am risking anaphylaxis in a micro preemie," the pediatric surgeon sighed.
"I need to get a better look at the scans," Arizona said, biting nervously on her bottom lip.
Alex nodded. "Meet me in the viewing room in 10?"
"Make it 15 and you have a date," Arizona told him, knowing that if her and Alex were going to attempt to operate on the Henderson baby she would need to reschedule her consults and possibly her ultrasound.
Informing her secretary that she would need to reschedule the consults she pushed back the time of her planned surgery and e-mailed Emma to cancel her growth scan. Heading into the attending's lounge she opened the fridge to grab a bottle of water, smiling to herself as she saw the whole top shelf had been loaded with smoothies, snacks and doughnuts, a bright yellow post-it notes with her name stuck to the shelf.
Knowing this was all Callie she grabbed a bright purple smoothie and opened it before heading to meet Alex.
"What the hell are you drinking?" Alex exclaimed, spotting the bright drink in her hand.
"Super berry blast," Arizona shrugged.
Alex watched as she took a mouthful. "It looks foul."
"It tastes great, plus it's full of all sorts of goodness that pregnant women should be drinking," Arizona pointed out as Alex lit up the scan's behind them.
Leaning back against the wall Alex gave her time to study the scans before stepping back towards her. "What do you think."
"I think it's most likely a neuroblastoma that started growing in utero," Arizona said, lifting up her hand and pointing at a small section of the scan. "I think this will be the trickiest bit, it's invaded the renal arteries, I think the only way we can fully resect is if we remove the kidney. Normally living with one kidney would not be a problem but he's barely a pound heavy, maintaining hemostasis is already problematic … but if we don't remove it …"
"He dies anyone," Alex sadly agreed.
Arizona leaned against. "You think we can do this?"
"I think we're his best shot. I think we are his only shot," Alex replied. "I'll go and get consent from the parents."
"And I'll book an OR," Arizona offered.
Heading towards the exit Alex turned as he was about to leave, stopping halfway out the door he turned to face her. "Hey Robbins, it's good to have you back."
"It's great to be back," Arizona agreed.
GA – GA – GA
Walking out of the operating theatre Arizona stretched her aching muscles. Callie and David had fixed her up with a new socket a week ago and her leg had adjusted well, but this was the longest she had been on her feet in nearly a month and her muscles were protesting.
"You ok?" Alex asked.
Nodding Arizona smiled, a real, super-smile with dimples and all. "I'm better than ok," she replied. "You do realize we just did the impossible right? We removed an aggressive neuroblastoma on a baby that shouldn't even be here for months yet and he's stable, he has a chance at life. We did that Alex, we gave that family hope."
"Nah, you did that, I was just a spectator," Alex reminded her.
"No. I couldn't have done it without you," Arizona argued.
Alex watched as she finished washing her hands. "You have no idea how good you are, do you? Which kind of makes you even more incredible."
"Stop," Arizona laughed nervously, taking compliments had never been her strong point.
"Look I know you're trying to be all modest and stuff but there is no other surgeon in the country that would have touched that tumor. They would have written that baby off but you didn't, hell it's your first day back after a month off sick and you just achieved the impossible," Alex pointed out.
Arizona leaned against the sink. "Look, you're right, I did that … but so did you Alex, you brought the case to me, because you see each tiny, tiny little-human as a person and not just numbers, weights and scans, which is exactly why you are my person and one day you will be just the one that does all of that, maybe even more."
"Quite the team huh?" Alex grinned, leaning next to her.
"Yep," Arizona agreed. "Hey did you know that Sofia wants me to adopt Jo, apparently she thinks your girlfriend will make an excellent big sister."
Alex frowned. "Would that make you my stepmother? Weird."
"Only if you put a ring on it," Arizona said as her pager started to vibrate.
"Ok Beyoncé, now go and save a life," Alex chuckled, gently nudging her as she pushed herself away from the sink.
Looking at the screen Arizona sighed. "It's Owen, he has a consult in the pit he needs me on."
"Why do you look like you are about to face the firing squad?" Alex observed, seeing the suddenly solemn look on his mentor's face.
"It's nothing," Arizona hedged.
Alex watched her hesitation to answer the page. "It's obviously something."
"It's stupid, I mean in the grand scheme of issues I have going on now it's … stupid …"
"But it's still something," Alex finished for her.
Arizona turned to face her friend. "When Callie and I were going to court over Sofia I knew it would be hard, I knew people would be divided and … sides would be chosen. Meredith was a given, her and Callie are friends where as her and I … well let's just say surviving a plane crash together doesn't guarantee friendship. Bailey testified but for both sides. You, April, and Jackson; well you didn't pick a side and I respect that. But Owen … he stood up there and gushed about what an amazing person Callie was, what an amazing mother she is and how she was doing the right thing by taking my daughter away from me, maybe not in those exact words but that's what he did, just like I was a nobody, somebody he had never met. It just … did he even consider my position in all of this?"
"I didn't realize," Alex sighed sadly.
Arizona shrugged. "It's no big deal, right? I mean what's done is done and … it just hurts and whenever I see his name, I'm back in that court room being made to feel like nothing."
"You will never be nothing," Alex said, pulling her in for a hug.
Returning the hug Arizona thanked him before heading down to the ER, asking for Dr. Hunt she was pointed in the direction of trauma 2.
"You paged," Arizona said, walking into the room.
"Catherine King, 34-years-old and 30-weeks pregnant with twins, she was admitted this morning with what appeared to be a simple UTI, however a CT scan showed that she is leaking amniotic fluid," Owen explained as he handed Arizona the chart.
Approaching the bed Arizona nodded her thanks in the direction of the other attending. "Catherine. Hello I'm Dr. Robbins the neonatal surgeon on call, do you mind if I take a look?"
As Catherine nodded her consent Arizona began to examine the pregnant lady, her hands moving swiftly as she switched between the physical examination and studying her scan and blood results.
"Has Dr. Hunt explained what the concern is?" Arizona asked as she finally had all of the information she needed.
"Sort of," Catherine nodded. "The fluid protecting my baby is leaking and if it continues you will have no choice but to deliver."
Arizona nodded. "Yeah. That's the bullet points version. Now we have 2 options here; we can either watch and wait, see if the leaking resolves on its own and put you on antibiotics to prevent infection or, we can operate and patch the area of uterus that is leaking."
"What are the chances of it resolving by itself?" Catherine wanted to know.
"About 10% of cases resolve spontaneously," Arizona answered.
Catherine nodded. "And the risks of the operation?"
"It could hasten the labor and we may have to deliver the babies," Arizona explained.
"How long do I have to decide?" Catherine wondered.
Arizona nodded towards one of the nurses. "We could start antibiotics, wait 24 hours and then do a scan to check the level of the fluid," she suggested.
"Ok, let's do that," Catherine agreed.
Standing up Arizona reflexively rubbed at the muscles in her back, her body arching forward before she straightened out and turned towards the computer. Adding some notes and a prescription for antibiotics to her chart she pulled off her gloves. "I'll come and check on you later," she smiled.
"How many weeks are you?" Catherine asked, motioning to the barely there baby-bump beneath her scrubs.
Arizona's eyes widened in alarm. "I … er … that's …"
"Oh God I am so, so sorry," Catherine apologized. "I don't think before I speak, it's a flaw, I'm working on it …"
Holding up her hand Arizona smiled trying to reassure her patient that it was ok. As she felt all eyes in the room looking at her she concentrated only on her patient, the truth was bound to come out soon anyway, why not now. "It's ok … I'm just over 24 weeks."
"Congratulations," Catherine grinned as Arizona nodded her thanks, suddenly realizing that she needed to tell Chief Bailey before the gossip mill got to her first.
Exiting the room Arizona ignored the looks as everyone began to absorb the new piece of information, washing her hands she headed towards the elevator, grateful to find it empty as she headed towards the administrative floor.
Looking through the window she was relieved to see Bailey in her office, tentatively she knocked on the door, shifting her weight nervously as The Chief gave her permission to enter.
"Bailey. Er, do you have a minute?" Arizona stammered.
Motioning to the seat opposite her Bailey looked up as she leaned back in her chair. "I have 11 minutes."
"Right, yes," Arizona sighed, suddenly feeling like she had been called into the headmistress's office for something that wasn't her fault.
Bailey immediately sensed her hesitation. "Is everything ok?"
"I was going to tell you, I promise, but now the timeline has been moved up a little and I wanted you to hear it from me first, before the gossip reached you," Arizona babbled, as she realized that no matter how accomplished she was a small part of her would always be the girl that cried in front of authority figures.
"No, no, no, no," Bailey muttered, sitting forward in her chair and leaning her hands on her desk. "I am Miranda Bailey. I see everything. I know everything. But you didn't say anything and when you didn't say anything I thought maybe I was lucky, maybe the rumors weren't true and … which one did you decide to take?"
Arizona frowned, genuinely confused. "Huh?"
"Was it Boston? Because that was a pretty impressive hamper they sent. No, it was CHOP wasn't it because they actually sent someone here in person, I mean it could be Hopkins after all that's where you started you career it makes sense…"
Suddenly realizing what Bailey was talking about Arizona couldn't help but laugh. "I'm not leaving."
"Oh thank the stars," Bailey exclaimed.
"At least not for good," Arizona added.
Bailey glared at her. "Meaning?"
"I'm pregnant," Arizona said, her voice one breath as she realized she needed to get straight to the point. "Pretty pregnant actually, 24 weeks and I know I should have told you sooner but the situation is complicated and I wasn't sure what my plan was but … I'm having a baby and I'm going to need maternity leave so I'll need time off, but I'll come back because this is my home Chief."
"We'll make it happen," Bailey assured her, knowing better than to ask for more information than she was being given. Besides, she respected the other surgeon far too much to pry, she knew that Arizona would tell her when she was ready. "Whatever you need we will make it happen," she reiterated.
Arizona stood up, wincing a little as her back spasmed. "Thank-you."
"You alright?" Bailey asked as she watched the other woman rub at her back.
"Yep," Arizona laughed. "Just being a one-legged pregnant lady comes with certain downsides, everything is moving and shifting and I'm using muscles I didn't even realized I had."
Bailey nodded. "Have you tried yoga?"
Of all the responses Arizona had been expecting that was not one of them. "Yoga?"
"Yeah." Bailey shrugged. "I had this stage 3 hepatoblastoma patient and she was pregnant, I mean I know it's not exactly the same thing but she went from barely being able to get out of bed to baking and stuff. She swears it was all down to the power of pre-natal yoga."
"I'll keep that in mind," Arizona agreed as she turned and left, heading downstairs to check that all of the pre-ops on her patient were done and then she wanted to head into the NICU to see how the baby she and Karev operated on was doing.
Hearing someone called her name she stopped and turned around. "Jo. Hey."
"So," Jo began. "I heard a rumor."
"Yep, secrets out," Arizona sighed.
Jo followed her into an empty patient room. "And are you ok with that?"
"I actually am," Arizona reassured her. "I mean one minute my patient is asking me how far along I am and then in the next breath … I answer her, I knew what it meant, I knew that once the truth was out there it was out there. But, I'm ok with that, I shouldn't have to hide it, this is a good thing, a new baby is a good thing."
"It's a really good thing," Jo agreed. "Hey don't you have your scan today?"
Arizona shook her head. "I did but then Alex and I had a 4-hour surgery and I got called to a consult in the ER so … I had to reschedule, it's ok it was just a routine growth scan, 24 hours won't make a difference."
"You want company?" Jo offered.
"I don't have a new time yet but when I do, yeah, that'll be great, thanks," Arizona replied.
Jo sighed as her pager bleeped. "I should go, I'm on Meredith's service and she pretty much hates me already so I don't want to go giving her extra cause to really hate me."
"You know if Meredith is pushing you it's not because she hates you but because she sees potential in you, that's just how she is, so go … prove to her she's right," Arizona chuckled as she followed the resident out of the room.
GA – GA – GA
Walking out of the scrub room Arizona was mentally and physically exhausted, her easy first day back had turned into a once-in-a-lifetime surgery, a consult in the ER which resulted in her pregnancy being revealed, a conversation with Bailey, her amniotic band surgery and she still had to check on the mom with amniotic fluid leak from earlier.
"Urgh," she moaned to herself.
"Dr. Robbins, hey," Emma greeted, approaching her fellow surgeon.
Arizona smiled tiredly. "Emma. Hi, listen sorry about today but-"
"I understand," Emma reassured her. "I was looking for you actually, I'm free now if you have a short while to spare" she offered.
Nodding Arizona followed her. "I'd like that."
Following Emma into the exam room Arizona lifted herself up onto the bed, lying back she lifted her top just enough to allow the OBGYN access to her stomach.
"So today you're what 24 weeks?" Emma remembered, quickly consulting her notes.
"24 weeks and 2 days, yeah," Arizona agreed.
Emma squirted the gel onto her stomach. "Big milestone."
"Yeah, although Sofia was smaller than this when she was born," Arizona remembered.
"Sofia is your daughter?" Emma asked.
Arizona slowly, nodded. "Yes. But I er … I didn't carry her, Callie, my wife … ex-wife she carried her."
"When we met before we didn't really have a chance to go through the prenatal checklist," Emma reminded her. "With you being in the ICU it just didn't see the right time, would it be ok if I went through a few questions now?" she asked.
"Sure," Arizona agreed, knowing that she would have to eventually.
"Seeing as we're all ready to go we'll do this a little back to front so, let's have a look at the little one and then we can go through the boring stuff," Emma suggested.
Watching the screen Arizona couldn't help the smile that spread across her face as the black and white image of her daughter filled the screen, accompanied by a strong, steady heartbeat.
"She looks bigger, is she bigger?" Arizona asked before laughing. "Gah. I'm a certified fetal surgeon and I sound like a … novice. It's just everything feels like's it's grown, I'm gaining weight, my stomach is growing and her movements are developing a pattern so …"
Pausing the screen Emma smiled reassuringly at her. "Little Miss is here is now right on track, her weight, the amniotic fluid, her length, everything is exactly as it should be."
"That's … the best news, thank-you," Arizona exclaimed, releasing a breath she hadn't even realized she was holding as she sat up and wiped her stomach.
"Now ready for the boring bit?" Emma asked, pulling up her patient's chart.
Arizona moved into a more comfortable position. "Yes."
"Any relevant past medical history?" Emma questioned.
"Let's see; I had an above knee amputation in 2012 following a plane crash, my femur was fractured, I was septic and it was my leg or my life so goodbye leg," Arizona shrugged. "I also had a PE at the same time but following that no issues until recently which as you know I had chest sepsis, an empyema and bronchitis," she finished.
Emma made a few notes in the chart. "Are you on any medication now?"
"I finished antibiotics a few days ago, sometimes I need to take albuterol but not every day. I'm not asthmatic the bronchitis has just left me dealing with a little inflammation but it's pretty much resolved, I'm on prenatal vitamins and sometimes my leg hurts so I take Tylenol," Arizona replied.
"Any morning sickness? Cramping? Unusual bleeding?" Emma worried.
Not really sure how to answer the question Arizona sighed, she had been a mess during the first few months of her pregnancy, her body going through a storm of symptoms, so much so that she had no idea if they were pregnancy related or not.
"Can we talk off the record?" Arizona asked, knowing that she needed to be honest with Emma for the sake of her baby.
Closing down the file Emma nodded and rolled her stool closer to the bed. "Of course."
"Right, here goes," Arizona started, taking a deep breath. "This is my second pregnancy. Callie and I decided to try again and after our first round of IVF I fell pregnant, everything seemed to be going ok but then at the scan there was no heartbeat so … I had a D&C and that was that."
Emma knew that what she needed to do right now was listen and not react. She respected Arizona Robbins both as a person and colleague and she could tell that right now she was struggling with what she was about to say, so she stayed quiet and listened.
"This baby, this pregnancy, it wasn't planned, at least not like last time anyway. Last time I was married to the love of my life, we both wanted it, we picked donors together, she held my hand as we became pregnant and when the pregnancy test turned positive we celebrated," Arizona remembered, her voice going soft at the memory.
"This time could not have been more different. I'm divorced, I lost custody of my daughter and one night … one horrible night … I was raped," Arizona sobbed. "That's the second time I have said that word out loud but like someone told me it's the truth, my truth."
Emma remained silent, instead reaching out her hand and placing it on top of hers, watching as Arizona used her other hand to wipe furiously at her eyes as she took a series of deep breaths in an attempt to calm herself.
"It was 48 hours later when I went to Seattle Press, I had all of the examinations and I took all of medication, including the morning after pill, and it was within the 5-day window, I did everything I should have. But, my body was a mess, it was going through so much; I had a fever, I wasn't keeping anything down and I was self-medicating with alcohol, smoking, not sleeping and then when I did sleep the nightmares were … debilitating," Arizona cried, her breath hitching in her throat.
"I didn't realize," she softly whispered. "I'm a good doctor, a good mother and I didn't realize what my body was trying to tell me. The signs were there but I wasn't listening, I was self-destructing. I don't drink, not normally, I mean a glass of wine here and there but … I'm not a drinker. I smoke maybe twice a year but … if I did something to hurt my baby I will never forgive myself," Arizona cried, finally looking up to face the other woman, relieved to find nothing but understanding in her eyes.
Slowly, Emma considered her words carefully. "Arizona from everything I can see you have one healthy, strong baby-girl in there. A resilient little one, just like her mother. Now I know nothing I can say or do can completely ease your fears but if you need me to run more tests, do weekly scans then that's what we will do, we will do whatever you need."
"She's really ok?" Arizona whispered as her eyes flickered back to the screen as a small ghost of a smile appeared.
"She's perfect," Emma nodded. "Are you ok?"
Arizona took a long, slow breath. "Getting there."
"Thank-you," Emma whispered.
"For what?" Arizona wondered.
Emma tightened her grip on the other surgeon's hand. "For not only trusting me to be your doctor but for trusting me with your truth."
"I'm not exactly shouting it from the rooftops, what happened, but I shouldn't be ashamed, what happened … I shouldn't be ashamed," Arizona vowed realizing that like most things in life; it was easier said than done.
