would you be mine forever / just in case it exists?


With Luca clinging to her fingers for stability, Amanda made her way downstairs on Sunday morning, matching her son's slow, deliberate steps. In his free hand, he held a plastic SWAT van - one of several police vehicles Fin had gotten him for his birthday months ago. The moment he was at the base of the steps, he dropped onto his knees to roll the van toward Sonny in the kitchen and crawled after it. Frannie appeared: she liked to chase his toys, and every now and then Amanda would hear Luca yell doggy, no! to keep her from interrupting his game.

She pulled open the front door and picked up the heavy Sunday newspaper from the stoop. She sighed at another unflattering headline: 'Baby Doe' Saga Breaking Hearts of Millions in the U.S., Still Mystifies Authorities. Walking back inside, she continued to read, ...Sergeant Amanda Rollins, lead detective in the investigation, has worked with the NYPD Special Victims Unit for seven years. Rollins, along with Lieutenant Olivia Benson, were last in the headlines when it was suspected that their children - both fatherless and of unknown origin - were obtained in exchange for helping covering up a child sex trafficking ring...

"What the fuck is this fucking shit?" Amanda exclaimed angrily.

"That is a lot of 'fucks' for so early in the mornin'," Sonny mused as he dumped cream into his coffee mug.

"Read this shit!" She threw the paper across the island at him.

"Sit!" Luca repeated innocently in an obvious attempt to repeat his mother's curse word.

"Real nice," Sonny mumbled sarcastically, glancing up at her pointedly. His eyes suddenly grew wide as he read the article. "What the... wasn't that story redacted from that garbage website years ago? And how is it relevant now?"

"Uh, yeah, it was. That asshole in the park must have known about it." Leaning her elbows onto the island, she cradled her skull in her hands. Her fingers gripped at her hair. "God, I just. I'm not cut out for this, Sonny. I want to go back to just doin' my job and teaching Fin how to use the computer and... I don't know. Not this."

He sighed.

She stood up straight again. "It's just too much. Being in the paper, the attention, it's too much for me."

"You could tell Liv," Sonny suggested carefully, sliding a mug toward her.

Amanda reached for the coffee and took a sip. It was perfect: a little cream and one sugar. "She'll take me off the case."

"Well, yeah..."

"I wanna work the case. I just wanna do it without an audience."

"It's a little late for that, 'Manda. It's too big."

She sighed as she watched Luca navigate around their feet with his SWAT van. "You know, when I first came to SVU, I read up on all of Liv's casework-"

"Nerd," Sonny interjected with a smirk.

"-and I thought to myself, 'man, I can't wait to be like her, to have people reading about me.'" Luca drove his toy vehicle aggressively over her socked foot. "Ow, Luca!" she yelped, then shook her head. "But now... ugh. Fin went about it the right way: he took the Sergeant's exam but nothing has changed."

"Because he didn't want anything to change," he reminded her. "You did."

"Yeah, well, that was dumb," Amanda grumbled. "I don't know why you didn't talk me outta it."

"You aren't the best at takin' feedback. Plus, you do want this, I know you do." Waggling his eyebrows and wearing a charming smile, Sonny added, "you get a real thrill outta readin' all my DD-5's."

She rolled her eyes. "Why don't you take the exam?"

He snorted. "Uh, no."

"Why not? You love studying," Amanda challenged him.

"I do not love studying," Sonny scoffed. "Besides, it's about more than studying. I'm not good at delegatin'. I mean, I've thought about it, and I'll do it someday but... not now. Now, things are good the way they are. It works, you bossin' me and Fin around..." He paused thoughtfully. "Although, now that I consider it, you did that way before you were ever a sergeant..."


In the bathroom alone, Amanda paced. She could hear Jesse pounding up and down the stairs, the jingle of Frannie's collar as she trotted behind her and the muffled sound of Sonny pulling dishware from the kitchen cabinets. Everybody assumed she was finishing getting ready for work, and she was, but she was doing something else, too.

When her phone alarm buzzed, she paused. She looked down at the counter top.

One line.

Not pregnant.

All those fancy ultrasounds and screenings hadn't indicated a single structural abnormality. There was no explanation for her miscarriage and no reason she couldn't get pregnant once more. She was finally feeling like herself, finally beginning to trust her body again, but maybe she had gotten her hopes up too soon. Amanda thought about about mentioning the test to Sonny, but then she figured - why should both of them feel disappointed? Instead, she simply threw it into the trash and walked away.


Bella had gone into labor in the middle of the night. Amanda's phone lit up through out the evening with updates via a group text message; eventually she turned the device over to hide the screen so she could get some semblance of rest. Maybe she should have been more involved with her sister-in-law, but every time Amanda typed out a message to send, she deleted it because the words felt stilted and disingenuous. She was happy for Bella, but also incredibly resentful. The last thing Amanda needed was the Carisi family suspecting she was unstable, or worse - jealous.

At six in the morning, Bella gave birth to a healthy baby boy named Gabriel. After work, Amanda and Sonny went to Bellevue to meet him. Truthfully, it was the very last place she wanted to go after a long day, and not just because she was tired. In the maternity ward, they found Bella sitting up in her bed, Tommy at her side and Gabriel in her arms. She looked exhausted but happy; she was wearing the wide, familiar Carisi smile that crinkled the corners of her eyes. Hovering around her, they all exchanged hugs, congratulations and loving glances down at the baby.

"Wanna hold him?" Bella offered Amanda.

Amanda did, actually, surprisingly. Maybe she was a glutton for punishment, or maybe holding a baby was just a nice thing to do after weeks of investigating tragedy - both personal and professional. "Yeah, sure."

She sat gingerly at the edge of the bed so Bella could pass her the warm bundle of swaddled blanket. Holding him close, she looked down at the little human in her arms: he was chubby and pink, one tiny hand free from his wrappings. When Amanda reached over to touch him, his fingers curled automatically around one of hers. She ran a thumb over Gabriel's small digits, his skin smooth and soft. His nose wriggled before he yawned contentedly. "He's beautiful," she breathed, eyes focused intently on the sleeping newborn.

"He came out screamin'. He was so loud I thought he was gonna break glass," Bella told her proudly.

"He just wanted to make sure that everybody knew he'd arrived. Didn't you, baby?" Amanda cooed at the infant, giving his hand a gentle squeeze.

"Anybody want coffee? I'm gonna get some coffee," Sonny announced abruptly.

The three of them looked up at him just as he slipped out the door. Amanda didn't dare meet Bella or Tommy's eyes, because she knew what she would see there: pity. Instead, she peered back down at Gabriel.

Bella began to stammer awkwardly, "I hope this isn't... I know that this must be... well, I really wanted you guys-"

"Don't worry about it," Amanda interrupted her, to put her out of her misery. She unnecessarily but gently adjusted Gabriel's blue hat. She continued easily, "we would have been here sooner but, you know. With this case..."

"Yeah, I know..." Bella didn't seem convinced.

"I'm glad everything went okay. He really is perfect." Even as the words left her mouth, Amanda could feel envy squeezing at her insides. She wanted to be in Bella's place. She wanted to be exhausted and sore with a tiny new life in her arms. She wanted to be fussing over her son's little outfits and waking up every hour to feed him. Instead she was just a visitor, a relative, and she would leave the hospital as empty-handed as she had arrived.

"Thanks," her sister-in-law murmured sheepishly. "I hope Angelina gets along with him."

"She will. Don't worry." Amanda carefully and reluctantly handed the newborn back to his mother. "I'm gonna go help your brother. You need anything?"

Bella shook her head. "Nah, I'm good."

"Be right back," she promised before she left the room.

The hour was strange, so the cavernous cafeteria was mostly empty except for lingering staff. It was easy to spot Sonny at a table by himself, hands clasped on the surface, staring absently out of one of the big windows. Amanda quietly approached, then slipped into the chair across from him.

"Where's the coffee?" she asked curiously, even though she already knew the answer.

"I didn't get any," Sonny admitted sheepishly.

Resting an elbow on the table, she set her chin in her palm and studied him. "You okay?"

"I'm fine," he insisted.

She gave him a small, knowing grin. "Don't go all Rollins on me, huh?"

A smile flickered across his features before he turned serious again. "This is just kind of... a bummer."

"Yeah, it is," Amanda agreed quietly.

"I feel kinda guilty. It's not that I'm not happy for her, I am, it's just weird," he explained.

Taking her chin out of her palm, she reached across the table and squeezed his hand instead. "I think she feels weird about it too, she just doesn't know how to say it. I mean, I can't blame her. Even we don't know how to say it."

Sonny sighed. "I should talk to her. I don't want her to worry."

Amanda shook her head. "Not now. Don't mention it now. Just... say hi to Gabriel and then we'll get a beer."


When they crawled into bed that night, Amanda settled her head on Sonny's chest. His arm slid beneath her shoulders, accommodating her. A knee bent over his and a palm on his abdomen, she felt him pull in a deep breath before exhaling.

"We have a good life," Sonny said quietly, earnestly.

"Of course we do," she whispered.

"Sometimes I just, I gotta say that sort of stuff out loud, as a reminder," he admitted.

Lifting her head slightly, she placed a kiss against his chest before settling back down again. "Love you."

"Love you," he murmured.

Closing her eyes, Amanda tried to relax. She wasn't typically one for cuddling in bed: she found it hard to sleep soundly with their limbs all tangled together. That night was different. Maybe it was seeing the baby, or maybe it was the realization that Sonny hurt more than he let on, but Amanda simply wanted to be close to him. She knew the Baby Doe case wasn't helping matters either; he was working just as hard as she was. Consumed by the most grim of subject matters, sometimes the quiet moments they shared in the dark were more effective than therapy.

In the next room, she heard a thud followed by the sharp sound of Luca's distinct wailing. Amanda eyes flew open, startled, and she threw off the covers to jump out of bed. Sonny was close behind her, both of them bursting into the fifteen-month-old's room to find him sitting on the floor next to his crib. Red-faced and crying in blue dinosaur pajamas, his arms were extended upward, reaching for one of his parents.

Shocked, Amanda flew over to him, scooping Luca up into her arms."Oh my God, Luca! What the, what did you do? How did you get out of your crib?"

Sonny flipped on the light and looked around the room, confused. He peered into the crib. "Did you climb outta there? How the hell did you manage that?"

Now that she could see, she soothed a hand over Luca's head. There was a red lump forming on his forehead. "Oh, no, he's gonna have a bruise..." she moaned.

Sonny leaned down to look at Luca with a smile and cupped his cheek with his hand. "You're alright, buddy, aren't ya? Just a little bump."

Luca's cries slowly dissolved into a wet sniffles. Despite his attempt at adventure, he had obviously both scared and hurt himself in the process. Amanda was frightened, too: Jesse had never escaped her crib, not even when she was almost two years old.

"Get his bear, huh? Let's take him into our room," Amanda suggested, her heartbeat beginning to slow.

He reached into Luca's crib to retrieve the well-loved stuffed animal. "I can't believe he managed to get out. I'm kinda impressed."

"He's taller than babies his age, that's the problem," she said as she walked into their bedroom.

"You bet he is. Can you say, 'college basketball scholarship?'" Sonny asked Luca brightly from behind Amanda.

"Sonny, c'mon. He could have really gotten himself into trouble..." she chided him as she sunk down onto their bed.

Sonny sighed. "Maybe I'll put the mattress on the floor, then the crib around it," he suggested. He turned on the light on his nightstand. "At least that way if he gets out, he won't fall..."

Leaning back against the headboard, Luca sat in her lap, the side of his wet face resting against Amanda's chest. He took his bear from Sonny when he joined them, pulling the animal close to his body.

Eyeing the ratty bear, Sonny remarked, "we gotta wash that thing."

"We?" she repeated skeptically.

"You."

"Uh huh."

Propping himself up on his arm, he leaned in to kiss her.

"No, dada." Luca shoved his hand in Sonny's face, stopping him halfway. "No."

"Hey, she was mine first," Sonny exclaimed with a chuckle. He tried again, inching over.

"No, dada," Luca asserted.

This time he mouthed at Luca's outstretched hand, pretending to bite him, which prompted giggles from the baby.

Amanda tried to conceal her smile. "Don't get him all worked up, he'll never go back to sleep," she warned Sonny halfheartedly.

He flopped back down onto his side and gave Luca's foot a squeeze. "He's got all day to sleep. That's the best part about bein' a baby."

Normally, she would have launched into a lecture about how they had to get up in the morning, how much work they had to do, how she hadn't gotten more than five hours of sleep in weeks... but at that moment, none of that mattered. The world shrunk down to their room, to their bed, and nothing else had ever seemed so important. Sonny was right: despite their struggles, they had a good life.


Disney World sent her more e-mails than NYPD. Everything could be pre-planned, from dinner reservations to spots in line for rides and attractions. Amanda found it incredibly overwhelming; all she cared about was that they all made it to Florida in one piece at the end of June. She had never been to the park before - and truthfully, she had never imagined a life where she would have to go. Even though it wasn't her idea of a vacation, knowing how excited it made her daughter was worth it. Sitting at her desk that afternoon, she clicked through the latest messages, most of them urging her to spend more money. Did Jesse really need a princess makeover for two hundred dollars?

"'Scuse me, Sergeant?"

Amanda looked up from her laptop. Officer Murray, a young rookie cop would had been helping to work the tip line (and eagerly taking on any other task Amanda bestowed upon him), was hovering over her desk. "Hm?"

"Um, something kinda weird," Murray began. "I've got it on hold but um, I just got an automatic call from Rikers, asking me if I'll accept a call from an inmate."

She furrowed her brow. "On the tip line?"

"Yeah," he nodded.

Amanda sighed. "Accept it, I guess. It's probably some guy bored out of his mind, looking for a thrill."

"Okay."

She looked back at her computer once Murray was gone. Was alcohol allowed in Disney World? She probably should have considered that sooner, before she had booked the trip. If it wasn't, maybe they could smuggle it in...

"Sergeant?" Murray said again, reappearing at her side.

"Yeah?" she responded distractedly.

"He wants to talk to somebody in charge," Murray explained.

"Oh, lord," she grumbled, standing up and following him back to his desk. She picked up the phone, took it off hold and cradled it between her ear and shoulder. "This is Sergeant Rollins."

"Uh, hi. I know who that little girl you found at the Eleventh Street Basin is," a male voice on the other line said.

Amanda raised her eyebrows, skeptical. "You do? Who is it?"

"She's my daughter," he replied.

"Excuse me?" she scoffed. "Who is this?"

"My name is Adam Wheeler. She's my daughter," he repeated. "I never met her, but she's my daughter."

She chewed the inside of her cheek. "How do you know that, if you never met her?"

"My ex-girlfriend, Ayla, is her mother. I've been in here for three years, I've only ever talked to Casey on the phone."

"Casey?"

"That's my daughter's name-"

"Hold up. How do you know this is Casey? And where is Ayla?"

"The picture you cops put on TV looks nothing like her but I know it's her. Uh, Ayla came to visit me a week ago. Y'see, she's with another guy but we've known each other since high school and... yeah. We're really close. She visits."

"And?"

"She told me. She told me that she and her boyfriend, they killed Casey."

The blood in Amanda's veins went cold. "She told you that?"

"Yeah," he said. "She said it was an accident."

"What's Ayla's last name?" she demanded, trying to keep the excited tremor out of her voice. Waving her hand wildly, she got Sonny and Fin's attention. "Where does she live?"

"Alya Turner. I don't know where she lives anymore, she moves around so much... she's using heroin, sellin' herself..." Adam explained sheepishly. "I know she lives with her boyfriend, Mike Shaffer, somewhere in the Bronx."

Amanda frantically scribbled the names onto a notepad. She tore off the sheet and thrust it at Sonny, who took it readily from her hand. "She told you all this a week ago?"

"Yeah. I've been rackin' my brain, trying to decide what to do. I didn't wanna be a rat. Ayla's my girl but, Casey... Casey's my daughter. Even though I haven't met her, she's still my daughter," Adam told her quietly.

"Did she tell you anything else?" she asked anxiously.

"I just asked her how Casey was doin', and she told me that there was an accident. So I asked her, 'what kinda accident?' And she said she was dead, but that they hadn't meant to hurt her."

"Okay. And you... you're at Rikers?"

"Yeah. I'm here on a drug distribution charge, five years. Not proud of it-"

"This call will end in one minute," an automatic voice interrupted.

"Ah, shit. I, okay, we're gonna follow up on this right away," Amanda said quickly. "Right now."

"Okay. Okay, yeah, good," Adam replied tentatively.

"We'll be in touch," she assured him before hanging up.

Sonny came rushing over to her, notepad in hand. "Ayla Turner, thirty one years old. According to our records, she's got a history of multiple arrests for drug possession and prostitution. Got four reports here about complaints that she was neglectin' her daughter... looks like the Department of Social Services opened two neglect cases on her, but they're closed now." He added grimly, "Ayla's also got two other kids, but her rights to them were terminated. They're in the foster care system. The last address we have is an apartment in Hell's Kitchen."

"Michael Shaffer, thirty five years old," Fin went on, standing next to Sonny. "He's got a buncha drug charges and two for domestic violence. Last one was six months ago, report says both Shaffer and Turner were arrested after he punched her in the face and she stabbed him in the arm with a kitchen knife."

"Where?" Amanda and Sonny asked in unison.

Fin was already getting his coat. "The Bronx. 537 East 139th Street."