AN: Some floofy fluffy stuff. Let me know what else you wanna see (of course I have some more ideas of my own ;-)).
the two of us / we dream like one
One week before they were due to leave for Florida, the annual New York City Police Foundation gala arrived. Amanda had only been back at SVU for five days, but she had planned to go to the event long before the Baby Doe case had fallen into her lap. Even if Draper had suspended her for a month, she was going to attend the event, no matter what. Thankfully, the timing worked out, but Amanda was prepared for any whispering that would inevitably happen behind her back that night. In the past it would have eaten her alive to know she was the topic of NYPD gossip - now, Amanda had more important things to focus on.
With Jesse and Luca at Sonny's parents' house for the night, the two of them were able to get ready to go to the gala in relative peace. While the officers getting particular recognition wore their dress blues, everyone else was instructed to attend in black-tie attire. Amanda's gown was all black, sleeveless, with a halter neck. The form-fitting hem grazed her mid-thigh - but what made the dress special was the sheer overlay of black lace that covered the entire garment. It created an illusion skirt that hung long, puddling perfectly at her feet, the dark lace allowing her toned legs to been seen through the gauzy swing of the fabric. She wore high-heeled sandals with skinny black straps that criss-crossed up to her ankles; she did her hair in a loose knot atop her head, a few blonde tendrils softly framing her face.
They shared a round table with the rest of SVU in the gigantic waterfront ballroom at Pier Sixty in Chelsea. With floor-to-ceiling windows, the venue provided an amazing view of the Hudson river. Everything was decorated in shades of NYPD blue and yellow, from the decorations to the lighting to the seals on the rings that kept their napkins neatly rolled. The first half of the evening, their eyes were on the stage in front of the dance floor as awards were presented and recognition was given to those who had gone above and beyond the call of duty. The event was filled with New York's most influential individuals, including famous journalists, socialites and musicians - many of whom had donated generously to the foundation. Amanda had only attended the gala twice before. During her first few years with NYPD, she couldn't be bothered to go - she had gambling to do. Now, she liked celebrating the achievements of her colleagues (and the opportunity to wear something pretty).
As speakers and presenters came and went from the podium, Amanda's eyes kept flickering across the table to Liv. They hadn't spoken much since the night Liv informed her that she would be reporting her to IAB. Amanda felt guilty for her irrational response, especially since prior to the Baby Doe case, they had been getting along more like co-workers than superior and subordinate. As the commissioner rattled on about notable benefactors of the Foundation, Amanda felt Sonny's hand settle atop her lace-clad thigh. She covered it with her own palm, fingers settling between his. With her free hand, she took a sip of her wine, then looked at Liv again. I should apologize, she thought to herself, distracted. I don't want things to go back to the way they were.
So lost in her own head, Amanda didn't even realize when the speaking stopped and the music began. It was only when Sonny leaned in and murmured c'mon, dance with me that she realized that everybody was leaving their seats, anxious to stretch their limbs after an hour of sitting. Fingers still tangled with Sonny's, she followed him onto the dance floor. She hung her free arm from around his neck and pressed herself close as they easily swayed to the slow beat of the band. With high heels on, she could almost look him right in the eye.
"You look beautiful tonight, did I tell ya that?" Sonny said in her ear.
She smiled. "You did, but you can tell me again."
"You look beautiful tonight." He squeezed her hand; his other palm rested appropriately at her lower back.
"Thanks." She added with a coy grin, "you look very handsome in a tux."
"Why, thank you," he responded with a smirk.
Amanda's eyes roamed around the room: there were so many familiar faces, but it was funny to see them out of uniform or without a badge and gun at their hip. The couples on the dance floor were just two people enjoying the evening, one another, and it made her wonder how much of their personal lives all of them had sacrificed to be a part of NYPD. How many kids were in daycare? How many marriages were strained? How many affairs, psychological evaluations, excessive hours of overtime were shared between all of the police officers in the venue that night? A hell of a lot, Amanda figured.
She pressed closer to Sonny.
Later in the evening, Amanda found Liv outside on the expansive Pier Sixty balcony. The night air was cool but pleasant, a welcome reprieve from the warmth of the crowded venue. Wringing her fingers together, Amanda cautiously approached her lieutenant by the railing. "Hey, Liv."
Liv turned and smiled. "Hi."
"I wanted to tell you, I love your dress," Amanda said honestly, because she did. It was bright red, long and off-the-shoulder: elegant and classic.
"Thanks. I love yours, too.," she told her.
"Thanks," Amanda murmured appreciatively. She brushed hair away from her eyes and looked out at the Hudson river. "I, uh, I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to apologize, for... what happened."
"It's the past, Rollins. You did your time," Liv assured her quietly.
"I know but, it's just... I don't want you to start thinkin' you can't trust me again," she went on, looking over at Liv nervously. "I know things between us have always been a little rough, mostly 'cause of me, but, uh... I don't want things to go back to the way they were."
Liv nodded. "I do trust you." She cleared her throat before adding, voice low, "and I can't say I completely blame you, for your behavior."
"I got a little... too involved," she mumbled sheepishly. "And I know you just did what you had to do."
Liv gave Amanda a wry smile. "What you said in there that day... that jealousy, that outrage, resentment... I've felt it, too. A hundred times."
She swallowed, surprised that her lieutenant had admitted such a thing to her. Liv was intensely private - even more private than she was - and typically gave Amanda very little insight to her personal feelings. Her unexpected disclosure was a relief. Meeting Liv's eyes, Amanda nodded slowly, for once feeling understood by the person whose opinion she valued the most.
Water rolling off of her skin, Amanda stretched out in her simple olive green bikini on a lounge chair underneath the hot Florida sun. The Grand Floridian resort in Disney World had a gigantic pool, complete with waterfall, slide and most importantly - a bar. For the past hour, she and Sonny had played in the water with Jesse and Luca, both of the children brimming with excitement and enthusiasm. Eventually, everybody emerged except Jesse. She had been filled with boundless energy since they landed in Orlando two days ago. Thankfully, she had made friends with another little girl who was keeping her sufficiently entertained that afternoon. At the end of Amanda's chair, Luca sat playing contently with Fisher-Price police cars underneath the shade his floppy sun hat. He rolled them over her shins and feet occasionally like his mother's limbs were all a part of his make-believe scenery.
"Alright. I need a drink," Sonny suddenly announced from the chair beside Amanda's. Hauling himself up to sitting, he shoved his feet into his flip-flops. "What can I get the hottest mom in all of Disney World?"
"Those are words I never thought I'd hear," she mumbled with a smirk. After a moment of contemplation, she decided, "margarita, no salt. And make sure it comes with one of those little umbrellas."
She couldn't see behind the dark lenses of his sunglasses, but Amanda was sure Sonny was rolling his eyes.
"You aren't watching, mama!" Jesse shouted from the pool.
"Look!" Jesse's new friend yelled to the woman in the chair on the other side of Amanda.
"Yes, I am, baby. Show me again," Amanda called to Jesse, turning her attention back to her daughter once Sonny disappeared.
"I'm looking!" the woman promised enthusiastically.
In the shallow end, Jesse and the other girl dove beneath under the water. Soon their feet appeared, legs wobbly and akimbo in an attempt at a handstand before they both fell over with a splash. Jesse's head broke the surface first and she looked at her mother eagerly.
"Wow!" Amanda exclaimed, eyes wide. "How'd you get so good at that?"
"Madison taught me!" Jesse answered, indicating her friend who was upright and next to her once more.
"You have a beautiful family," the woman beside Amanda said.
Amanda looked over at her. Around her age, she was tall and pretty, her brunette hair tied up in a bun atop her head as she lounged in a black one-piece suit. She had a glossy fashion magazine draped over her stomach. "Thank you," Amanda replied sincerely with a smile.
"I'm Lacey," she introduced herself. "How old are your kids?"
"Amanda. Jesse's five." She poked her son with her toe playfully. "Luca over here is sixteen months old."
"They're so sweet. Madison is five, too," Lacey shared. "Where are you guys from?"
"New York City. How about you?" Amanda asked curiously.
"Boston," she replied.
She nodded. "Your daughter's got a lotta energy. As much as Jesse."
"Oh, she's not my daughter. She's my niece," Lacey explained. "This trip is my birthday present to her."
"That's really nice," Amanda smiled. "You have any kids?"
Lacey shook her head. "No," she sighed. She paused thoughtfully before continuing, "my ex and I wanted them, but..." She shrugged. "I can't have them. Took us awhile to figure it out... it's expensive, you know? All those tests..."
Amanda frowned. "I know."
"I did them all, though. I could have had surgery but by that point, the whole process of trying and being disappointed was kind of a marriage-killer." She gave Amanda a wry smile. "Madison is my younger sister's daughter. Being her aunt is great. It's... different, but great."
A short glass containing a margarita and a little blue umbrella hung in front of Amanda's face, dangling from Sonny's fingers. It momentarily distracted her from the pang of sadness that had struck her. "Thanks baby," she said, taking it from him. She looked between Sonny and Lacey. "This is my husband, Sonny. This is Lacey. The little girl Jesse's playin' with, that's her niece, Madison."
Sonny swallowed a swig of beer, glanced at the two five-year-olds in the pool, then smiled. "Hey, nice to meet you."
"You too," Lacey nodded. "I was just telling your wife that your kids are beautiful."
"Yeah, they're okay," he responded sarcastically, grinning as he sunk down on the edge of his lounge chair.
Amanda rolled her eyes.
"Are you a lawyer?" Lacey asked Sonny curiously, gesturing toward the copy of the New York Law Journal at the end of Sonny's chair.
"Ah, kinda," he replied.
"Kind of?"
"I passed the bar and everything, but I'm not practicin' as one."
"We're both cops," Amanda explained after a sip of her drink.
"Are you a lawyer, too?" Lacey asked her.
"God, no," she scoffed.
"She doesn't like lawyers," Sonny added dryly.
Amanda cast a glance at him over her bare shoulder. "'Cept for this one," she smiled.
Their hotel room had a massive California king bed as well as a full-sized pull-out couch. Jesse was supposed to take the futon, while Luca would sleep between Amanda and Sonny. Amanda hadn't predicted what a tantrum this arrangement would incite their very first night: Jesse sobbed until her mother relented and allowed her in the bed, too. In the nights following, she crawled onto the giant mattress and ignored the couch entirely. Thankfully, Disney World was so exhausting for both children that they fell asleep quickly and easily between their parents. That evening, Jesse lay next to Amanda, curled up tight on her side. Luca was on his back, spread out like a little starfish by Sonny.
"Sonny?" Amanda said randomly into the darkness.
"Hm?" he grunted, his back to her.
"That woman by the pool today..." she began quietly.
"Huh?"
"Lacey. That woman by the pool. She told me she can't have kids."
"Okay."
"Isn't that sad?"
"I mean, yeah, it's sad..." Sonny replied into his pillow.
"It's bothering me," Amanda admitted in a whisper.
He heaved a sigh. "Why?"
"I don't know. It makes me feel sorta guilty," she told him meekly.
"For what?"
"Because we have kids, and I've spent the past couple of months wanting more, when she can't even have one..."
"Gratitude," he mumbled. "S'important."
She glanced between them to watch Jesse and Luca's sleeping forms, their limbs slack and faces chubby, warm and relaxed because they knew they were safe. Amanda felt a swell of pride, because she had never had that security as a kid, but she was able to give it to her own. That was definitely something to be thankful for.
"Mooooommmm, I can't wait any longer!" Jesse whined, bouncing around Amanda's feet.
"We're almost there! Elsa and Anna are right around this corner," she promised her daughter, although she had absolutely no idea if what she was saying was true.
The wait to meet Anna and Elsa from Frozen was painfully long. Amanda had secretly hoped Jesse wouldn't ask to go, but that was a foolish desire: those particular princesses were one of the main reasons the five-year-old had wanted to go to Disney World in the first place. That afternoon Jesse was dressed head-to-toe in icy blue Elsa garb even despite the Florida heat, her crown lopsided as she fidgeted around impatiently with each passing minute. Amanda stood next to Sonny, who had initially tried to weasel out of enduring the wait by using Luca as an excuse - he's gonna get cranky, I'll take him for a walk! - but Amanda had absolutely no intention of suffering alone. Instead, she settled Luca into a stroller with snacks and toys and hoped for the best.
"My legs are tired," Jesse moaned. "I want a Mickey ice cream." She scrunched her nose and added dramatically, "my mosquito bite is itchy."
"That's a lotta complaints for somebody at the Happiest Place on Earth," Sonny remarked sarcastically.
Jesse only groaned and flailed in response, tilting her head so far back that she almost lost her tiara.
"I'll put ya on my shoulders, c'mon," he offered her.
Adjusting her crown as she stood up straight again, Jesse mumbled, "okay" before Sonny hoisted her up onto his shoulders. She settled her hands atop his Mets hat and surveyed her new vantage point. "I don't see them!" she announced shrilly, sounding panicked, as if she was afraid this was all some cruel trick.
"Out!" Luca demanded from his stroller.
"Oh, lord," Amanda murmured.
Luca kicked his legs and reached out his arms. "Out!"
"You've gotta stay in your stroller," she told him gently. "There are too many people here, I don't wanna lose you."
That was not a sufficient answer: Luca's face contorted into the expression he saved for right before he was about to scream.
"Okay, okay!" she said to him hurriedly before he could begin to cry, pulling him from his confines to rest him against her hip instead.
"No! Down!" Luca whined, wriggling in her grasp.
Rolling her eyes, Amanda set his two feet onto the ground and gripped his hand firmly. "You have to hold onto me."
Luca bent at the knees to pick up some stray gravel on the ground with his free fingers, momentarily distracted.
"Can I have your phone?" Jesse asked Amanda.
She furrowed her brow. "What for?"
"To play," she said innocently.
"No," she told her curtly, already imagining the screen smashing after tumbling downward over six feet.
Jesse tilted her head. "Dad, can I have your ph-"
"Nope," Sonny cut her off.
"Can I get into the stroller?" Jesse tried.
"What? No!" Amanda sputtered, laughing at her ridiculous request. Luca attached himself to her leg, then tried to force his way through them. She tried not to trip over him in the process as the line moved slightly and they inched forward. They paused again, and with Jesse's knees resting over Sonny's shoulders, Amanda used it as an opportunity to retie her blue Converse.
"Mama, look! A princess!" Jesse shouted suddenly pointing in the distance.
Looking up, she saw a woman in a voluminous tulle wedding gown accompanied by a man in a tuxedo and a photographer. She cringed - this would be the last place on earth she would ever want to get married. To each their own, she figured. "She's gettin' married, Jesse," Amanda explained.
"Wow!" the five-year-old breathed, awestruck. "I'm gonna get married at Disney World."
She raised her eyebrows. "I mean, maybe..."
"I have to!" Jesse exclaimed. "I wanna be special!"
"You don't have to get married to feel special," Amanda insisted indignantly. "You don't need a husband for that."
"Oh, here we go," Sonny mumbled under his breath.
"But all the princesses, they all have a prince," Jesse challenged her.
"Well, they don't need them, s'all I'm saying." Amanda picked Luca up again, but this time he didn't struggle to get down. "You can be whatever you want without one."
"Relax with the social commentary, would you? At least until we leave the Magic Kingdom," Sonny pleaded, sounding both amused and exasperated.
"I just don't want her growin' up thinking that you need a man," she went on, ignoring him. "The world tells little girls that marriage is some kind of special achievement that they need to strive for. It's really not. It's not like it takes any skill. Doing well in school, having a good career... those are impressive things."
"To some people, marriage is enough of an achievement," Sonny responded diplomatically. "They put a lot of value on it."
"Yeah, well, not my daughter," Amanda told him stubbornly. "I'm not gonna have her thinking her worth is measured by what's on her finger. No way."
"I don't have anything on my finger, mama," Jesse interjected, confused.
"Exactly," Amanda told her proudly. "And look how awesome you are!"
