A/N: I'm so excited to have so many readers! A big thank you to all my reviewers. I really appreciate that you took time to write one! I know that in the show Jules mentioned that her mother had died when she was young, I just can't remember if it's mentioned what had caused her death. So everything on Jules mother in this chaper has been made up by me. Also, all medical terms have been googled. I have no medical knowledge except the things I learned watching ER. So if you see any mistake, blame google! That's what I did during college :)


Ed couldn't believe it. The situation was difficult but they had managed to get all the hostages out as soon as they entered the building. Spike arrested the first subject, so that left one subject in a secured building with four cops. Not just cops, but SRU officers. A situation where you should be alert but it was manageable. However, while Leah returned back in position after bringing the hostages out and Spike still over the first subject to make sure he wouldn't run, Sam was standing motionless staring into oblivion. Shock washed all over his face and he dropped his MP5. Suddenly the subject hiding in the building started shooting around, and everything turned in chaos.

"Sam get cover" Ed yelled. "Sam, cover now! Sam!"

Ed heard Leah and Spike calling for him as well but Sam didn't respond and kept staring at this one point.

"What's going on guys? We're just pulling up. Eddy, status" Greg's voice came to him.

But Ed had no time to respond. He saw the gunman from behind the shelves pointing his gun right at Sam. At the same time that Ed shot fire, Spike jumped from his place up to Sam and with a fly tackle they both ended on the ground.

"Subject 2 down, subject 1 in custody" Ed stated.

At the same moment Greg and Jules had entered the building and together with Leah the three of them checked and cleared the whole building to be sure no one was left unnoticed. Ed went over to help Spike and Sam up.

"You're okay Spike?" Ed asked while Spike got to his feet.

"Yeah" he mumbled in return staring at Sam who was still lying on the ground. As soon as Ed was convinced that Spike was fine he turned his gaze towards Sam. His emotions in conflict between worry for his teammate and anger about his own misjudgement regarding his state.


Sam didn't exactly know what had happened. Earlier. He was sitting in the briefing room staring into the faces of all his teammates. The ride back to the barn had been a quiet one. Since Ed was taken by SIU for his statement, Leah took the wheel in his SUV. She had been the only one who stayed calm. Ed and Spike looked like they were going to shoot him, which he could understand. He had let them down and got not only himself in danger but also Spike. Greg was full with questions and wanted them answered. Jules was just scared, worried and hovering around him. It was Leah that took him back to the car giving a reassurance smile and drove to the Barn without saying a word. He was thankful for that.

Since they arrived first he was able to run straight into the locker room and take a shower before facing the others. Ed had returned pretty quickly as the whole situation was clear to SIU. The subject had started shooting around and was seen as a threat.

So now the whole team was in the briefing room, all eyes on Sam, he felt very uncomfortable. He knew it was time to explain what had happened, not that he really knew what had happened, but this was all a bit to confronting. Greg was the first to start talking.

"Okay, lets start with the debriefing. Leah if you can read the transcripts" he asked.

They went over it and all was very clear, until the part were you could hear Ed, Spike and Leah scream for Sam to take cover. Again all eyes went back on Sam.

"Okay, besides that part, are there any questions or remarks about this case?" Greg spoke. His team all shook heads as to say no.

"Okay then, that's it. Take a shower, do some restocking or get some workout done" Greg told his team. At the same time he nodded to Sam to stay put.

Sam watched Spike and Leah getting up and reluctantly striding off to the locker rooms.

"Ed, Jules" Greg gave them a meaningful look.

Sam knew Jules wasn't just going to leave. Worry was all over his face. He also knew it would be a lot easier for him to talk to Greg without her. He would talk to her but rather did that privately. He was ready to talk, even though he wasn't sure how to say it. So he looked at her and gave her the best smile he could at the moment.

"It's okay Jules, we will talk after this" and he squeezed her hand reassuringly.

With a nod she stood up and walked away in the direction of the others. Ed also stood and before he walked out of the room he patted Sam's shoulder.

Greg took a chair next to Sam.

"Please Sam, tell me what is going on. What is bothering you?" he asked in a warm and soft voice.

Sam looked at his hands in his lap, trying to find the right words.

"I don't know. I just…, I don't know. Something is wrong. Today…, Spike could have been killed, the team…, I just don't know", he sighed, still not looking up from his hands.

"Sam, let's just start with the beginning. That might help to see where all this is coming from" Greg replied.

Sam looked up, glad to at least postpone the moment he had to tell what happened today.

"Nightmares, it started with that. I don't know when exactly. In the beginning they looked like the regular nightmares. But last week they became worse" Sam started to explain.

"And the weird thing is, when I wake up I don't remember what they were about. Normally I know exactly what they are about and also what had caused them. But it's not just the nightmares. When I wake up my body is trembling and I can't have control over it. That's why I decided to stay at my own place, so Jules wouldn't notice" He looked guilty up to his boss. He knows he should have informed him sooner. But his face showed no other emotion than compassion. So he continued his story.

"It became worse yesterday. During our workout at the end of the day my hands started to tremble. It was the first time it happened while I was awake. And last night I woke up again. I was staying over at Jules, so I went to the bathroom, not wanting to wake her. My whole body started to shake until I blacked out. I woke up a few hours later" Sam finished. Greg was looking at him clearly processing what he had heard so far.

"What about this afternoon Sam?" He asked. Finally addressing the one thing that Sam scared more than everything else.

"Today it was different, nothing like this had happened before" Sam answered. His voice starting to shake a bit.

"Ed told me that it looked like you saw something" Greg said to help him a bit out.

"I saw Matt" Sam said very softly with tears in his eyes.

"He was standing there with his back to the wall, right behind Spike. He didn't look like Matt though. Not like the Matt I knew. He looked like the Matt I found after he got killed, after I killed him. I knew he wasn't there, but at the same time it looked real". A moment there was only silence after Sam told his boss what he had seen.

"He disappeared after Spike floored me" Sam quickly added. To make sure that Greg knew he wasn't still seeing him.

"Thank you Sam. I know this wasn't easy for you" Greg's face was still full of compassion, however his eyes told Sam that he was worried. Scared maybe.

"Sam, I think the first thing we need to do is to make sure that you are physically well" Greg spoke his concern. Sam knew he was thinking about Wordy. It was a shock for all of them when they learned he had Parkinson's.

"Why don't you make an appointment with your physician for tomorrow. I will give Jules the day off as well. You shouldn't do this alone, not anymore," Greg told him.

"Go home, take Jules with you and talk to her. Let her in on what's happening with you. And don't forget you have a family here. We're only a phone call away if you or Jules need something", Greg told him.

Sam nodded, not knowing what to say anymore. Not sure he would be able to say anything at this moment. The words had touched him. Off course he knew they were here for him. But it felt good to hear those words out loud at this moment.

"Will you call if you need anything and let me know when you have made an appointment?" Greg asked.

Sam nodded one more time before he stood and turned to leave the room. After a few meters he stopped and turned to face his boss, his friend.

"Thank you", he simply said.


Jules was lying in bed with Sam next to her. Earlier at the Barn she had been eager to leave with him even though they were officially still on duty. She hadn't asked him any questions and waited for him to talk to here. Sitting together at the couch she sat close to him, not really sure what he was going to tell her. She didn't know what happened today, all she knew was while she and Greg were arriving on the scene, and Ed started to yell at Sam followed by Spike and Leah. He wasn't responding and for a moment she feared the worst. When she and Greg entered the building she saw Spike tackle Sam to the ground and Ed taking the solution on subject number two. A lot of theories went through her mind. Did he have a panic attack or maybe a black out?

Suddenly he started to speak to her. Telling everything that had happened since the first nightmare. While he talked to her she quietly leaned in to him with tears streaming down her face. She was surprised how easily he spoke to her. Talking to Greg had done him good, gave him the courage to face it. She agreed that he had to see a physician as soon as possible. She grabbed his phone and pushed him to dial straight away. She hoped it wasn't to late and that the receptionist was still around. Luckily she was and an appointment was made for the next morning at 9.30 am. Later on she texted Greg to let him know, he called her back telling her not to hesitate if they needed anything.

Now other possibilities came to her mind about what was going on with Sam. It was still possible that it was stress related or that certain trauma's from the past were catching up with him. But she couldn't stop herself from thinking the worst. That there was a physical reason that had caused all this. She thought about her mother. Before they knew she was sick they just thought it was exhaustion. Causing headaches and sleep deprivation. She only went to see a doctor when here eye vision went blurry. It didn't take long for the doctors to find out that she had a brain tumor. It was inoperable and the only treatment she could have was chemotherapy to slow the process down. Her mother didn't want the chemo, knowing it would make her feel sick only to live a few months extra. It had devastated Jules but her mom was strong and went on with her life as if nothing was wrong. But soon she started to forget things and found it difficult to focus. Her eye vision became worse and in the end she started to hallucinate.

Jules looked at Sam's peaceful face. The day had exhausted him and he fell asleep the moment his head touched the pillow. She laid her head on his chest listening to his heartbeat not able to catch sleep.


Sam woke up and knew it was happening again. He felt awful, his body was shaking and again he felt a panic going over him when he could no longer control his body. It took him a minute to realise that he heard Jules voice. She tried to calm him down but her own voice wasn't calm. "Sam, can you hear me? It will be okay, just try to relax" he heard her saying.

He grabbed her hand not able to speak back to her and waited for it to pass or darkness to take over. It didn't take long this time before he felt the tremors subdue. He was breathing heavily and focussed on bringing his pulse back to normal. Jules face full of tears hovered over him and he knew he had to say something to her.

"Bathroom" was all he could say. He was feeling nauseas and didn't want to make it worse by throwing up on the floor. She helped him up and just on time he reached the toilet to empty his stomach. When he was done he sat on the welcoming cold floor in the bathroom with Jules next to him.

"It will be fine," He said to Jules, tears were still coming down her face silently. "I promise".


Jules was sitting in the waiting room. It had been a long day of waiting so far. As soon as Sam told his physician what was going on he had made an appointment with a neurologist for the same day. He only took blood samples from Sam before they could leave again. Since their next appointment wasn't until 3 pm they run some errands, went out for lunch and brought coffee for their teammates at HQ. Sam told Greg about his appointment with the neurologist and Jules saw the worry on her boss's face. They informed the rest of the team that Sam was going for some tests to see if he was well but left out the rest. They didn't want to worry them until they knew more.

Sam had been in there for about an hour and Jules was getting impatient. She had flipped through every magazine lying in the waiting room without reading one word. Nothing could distract her from worrying.


In side the doctor's office Sam felt exhaustion coming over him. Once again he told what had happened this past week. He noticed the doctor was observing him closely. Checking his mental status by how Sam was telling his story and answering his questions. He had done that over and over with subjects and victims during work. However, when he was the one being observed it was a whole different feeling. After that the doctor start doing a lot of tests on him. Checking his motor function, balance, sensory and reflexes. Ending it with an evaluation of the nerves of the brain, by doing different kind of vision test, muscle movement and a smelling test. Now the doctor was writing his report while Sam was waiting for him to finish.

"Sam, I know it's already late, but I want do some more tests," the doctor spoke to Sam.

"I want you to have an MRI scan and an EEG, I will push some buttons to get you in between. It will give me the chance to have a look at them before I will see you tomorrow. Hopefully, along with the blood tests we will know more". That was all the doctor had to say for today. When he stepped out of the office he saw Jules striding up and down the corridor. He couldn't help himself but smile. Julianna Callaghan was a woman with many capabilities, but patient not being one of them. The receptionist gave him the information where he needed to be for the MRI scan and EEG and while holding Jules hand they walked through the hospital for his next test. Jules had clearly recomposed herself and smiled reassuringly up at him. "I love you Jules", was his reply.

A/N: I hope you liked it! Please let me know, it's appreciated!