what's left of my heart's still made of gold
December, five years earlier.
The room slid in and out of focus. Amanda was vaguely aware that her body hurt, but she felt oddly disconnected from it. She was tired, so, so tired. With great concentration, she forced her eyes to focus. Everything was white, sterile and unfamiliar. She was in bed, but not her own. Beside her sat a very tall person.
"Carisi?" Her voice sounded hoarse and foreign to her own ears.
"Hey!" He jumped to his feet. "Hi, yeah, it's me. How are you feelin'?"
Wide-eyed, Amanda looked around. She was in the hospital. She remembered that part: she went into labor. It had hurt like a bitch, but... "What happened? Where... the baby, where's the baby?"
"She's okay. She's alright," Sonny promised her. "They are gonna bring her by soon."
She swallowed thickly; her mouth was really dry. "But I, I don't remember..."
"You had a... well, uh, I can't remember what it's called," he explained. "Something about the placenta detachin' from your uterus..."
Why did Sonny Carisi have so much knowledge about her reproductive organs? It would have concerned her more if she hadn't been so wholly preoccupied by a new sort of emptiness. Amanda was acutely aware that the child that she had been carrying for nine months was no longer a part of her. She didn't remember much after the searing jolt of pain that had seized her back, making the contractions she had experienced moments prior seem almost pleasant in comparison. Then there was the blood, bright and red and terrifying, more than she had ever seen at one time. The machines she was attached to had started beeping and blinking before she was being swarmed by medical personnel, all of them moving with urgency. It was then that her vision became pocked with black and her body went limp.
Amanda wanted her baby. She didn't recall giving birth to her. She didn't remember hearing her cry, being assured that she had ten fingers and ten toes. This very important part of her, the one that had lived right under her heart - she didn't even have a name.
"Liv's here. Fin's watchin' Frannie," she heard Carisi say.
"Can you get her? The baby. I haven't seen her. I need to see her," Amanda pleaded. She hated how helpless she felt, but she was so heavy and foggy that she couldn't move even if she wanted to. "I need to see her."
Sonny nodded. "I'll get the nurse," he told her. He gave her blanket-clad leg a reassuring pat before he disappeared into the hallway.
Unaccompanied, a nurse eventually rolled a clear plastic bassinet into Amanda's room. Inside lay an infant swaddled tightly in a receiving blanket, wearing a pink and blue hat with a bow knotted at the front. The nurse picked up the bundle and set her carefully in Amanda's arms. Amanda looked down at her child in awe; she was a real, little human being. Her baby was breathing, eyelids fluttering, a tiny hand curled up by her flushed cheek. Amanda's eyes filled with tears - she was relieved, she was grateful, she was totally terrified - and she tightened her hold around her daughter.
"Hi," Amanda whispered to the infant. "I'm your mama."
The baby yawned, her small, chubby face scrunching then relaxing. Amanda smiled.
"What's her name going to be?" the nurse asked Amanda gently.
Amanda stroked the infant's cheek with a careful knuckle. "Jesse." She had read somewhere that it meant 'gift.' While she had never thought that she would want a child, somehow Amanda already knew that her daughter would be the very best thing to ever happen to her. "J-e-s-s-e."
"Pretty," the nurse murmured approvingly. "Why don't you look over this registration paperwork and tell me if it seems okay? Then I'll leave you two be." She set down a few sheets of paper and a pen on the table attached to Amanda's bed.
It was hard to tear her eyes away from her new little girl, but Amanda's gaze flickered over what the nurse had left behind. Proof of Live Birth, read the top form. Much of it was filled out by computer already, except for where the nurse had just written in Jesse's name. She was born at 4:01 p.m. and weighed seven pounds, two ounces. All of Amanda's information was completed, too, but the section for the father remained blank. She thought of Declan - where was he now? She couldn't believe how little she actually cared.
Still holding Jesse, Amanda picked up the pen. In the box that asked for the paternal information, she wrote out slowly: none. It didn't feel painful or hard, it just was.
When the nurse eventually returned, she took the paperwork without commentary, which Amanda was thankful for. Instead, the woman launched into a discussion about breastfeeding, which lead into a rather uncomfortable tutorial - but even that was better than talking about Declan. Amanda had never felt so out of touch with her own body - and simultaneously amazed by it - in her entire life. As Jesse nursed for the first time, she found herself briefly wishing that her mother was there. She didn't even know why - Beth Anne Rollins was the most selfish, critical person on earth. She had abandoned her when Amanda had needed her the most. Emotionally and physically exhausted, she still clung to the hope that her mother was capable of change.
Jesse fussed a little when Amanda re-did her swaddle, but quieted once the blanket was secure again. Filled with milk, the baby looked almost drunk with satisfaction, which made Amanda grin. At least she knew she was capable of feeding her; the rest of parenthood would be a whole separate challenge. Even though Amanda was tired, she couldn't stop staring, and for awhile she sat in silent appreciation of her sweet, unexpected Jesse.
There was a quiet knock on the door before Sonny reappeared in the threshold.
"You're still here," Amanda observed, surprised.
"Yeah, I just... y'know, wanted to make sure you're okay." Sonny shoved his hands into his pockets sheepishly as he walked toward her. "Liv had to run to the squad and get something but she's gonna come back and see you, if that's alright."
She nodded. "Yeah, that's alright."
He hovered by her shoulder as he gazed down at the bundle in Amanda's arms. "She's got all her fingers and toes," he told her cheerfully, as if he had read her mind earlier.
"Wanna hold her?" she offered.
His eyes widened in obvious surprise. "Oh, uh... well, yeah. Yeah, I do."
She sat up a little straighter and leaned in so Sonny could carefully take Jesse from her. He took her tiny hand between two of his giant fingers, his thumb running up and down her delicate knuckles. "She's beautiful, Amanda," he breathed, and she knew he really meant it.
Amanda suddenly felt sad. Watching Sonny lovingly cradle Jesse reminded her of just how alone she was. In another life, maybe she could have shared this moment with her husband - or at least somebody she would be proud to have as the father of her kid. Instead, her relationship with Declan was non-existent. Her mother was furious with her and her sister was incarcerated. It was Amanda's co-workers who had been by her side since the day she had told them she was pregnant. She was lucky to have them, but in the private depths of her heart, she yearned for more. She wanted the stability that she never had as a child, not only for herself, but for Jesse, too.
She met Sonny's eyes and offered him a small, shaky smile.
"You okay, Rollins?" he asked her quietly.
"Yeah." Amanda nodded, thinking, I have to be.
Sometimes in the middle of the night, Amanda would wake up with Sonny's arm flung over her, his chest against her back. She found it funny, because they would begin at two opposite sides of the bed, but his body would somehow end up pressed close to hers in the dark anyway. She didn't know if he knew he was doing it or if it was unconscious, but even if she got too hot or uncomfortable, Amanda secretly liked the reassuring feeling of his frame against hers.
"'Manda?" Sonny murmured into her hair late one night.
"Hm?" she hummed groggily. She had been caught between asleep and awake for an hour.
She felt his hand settle against her abdomen, warm and reassuring. "Love you."
"Love you, too," she replied.
"Why are you awake?" he asked her curiously.
Amanda smiled. "Because you're talking to me."
Sonny chuckled quietly before he tightened his arm around her. She heard him yawn, felt his muscles relax, and she wriggled around to get comfortable in the position he had decided upon for the both of them. Lately she was so tired all of the time that it didn't take long for her to fall asleep whenever she had the opportunity.
She wasn't sure how much time had passed when her phone rang loudly by her head and jolted her awake. Amanda felt Sonny twitch, then groan into her shoulder. With minimal movement, she snaked her hand out from underneath the blankets to blindly grab hold of her phone. She picked it up and pressed it to her ear. "Rollins," she croaked.
"Hi, my name is Dr. Rowan, I'm one of the attending physicians at Bellevue emergency department," the voice on the other line greeted her.
Immediately, Amanda was annoyed. "Oh, no, I'm not on duty tonight. You wanna call-"
"No..." The doctor sounded confused. "I'm calling about your sister, Kimberly?"
Her eyes flew open and she quickly struggled to sit up. "My sister? What happened?"
"A friend brought her in," Dr. Rowan continued. "She had a coronary spasm which led to a small heart attack."
"What?! She's thirty-two!" she exclaimed. She felt Sonny sit up beside her.
"If you're able to come down here, I'll discuss it with you further," Dr. Rowan said vaguely. "We admitted her to a medical floor for observation."
Amanda scraped her fingers through her hair as she untangled her limbs from the sheets. "Yeah, I can be there. Give me thirty minutes."
"Have me paged once you arrive," Dr. Rowan instructed.
"I will. Thanks." Hanging up and on her feet, Amanda began to dig through her dresser to find clothes to throw on. She felt nauseous from both her pregnancy and anxiety, but she didn't have time to be sick right now.
"What the hell is goin' on?" Sonny asked, turning on the light by the bed.
"Kim. Bellevue said, they said she had a heart attack," she explained quickly, pulling off her shirt so she could put on a bra.
Sonny sat up straighter. "Huh? Is she okay?"
"I guess so, I don't know. I've gotta go down there, there's nobody else..." She tugged her t-shirt back over her head before she hopped into a pair of leggings. "Stay with the kids, please? I'll call you when I know what's goin' on."
"I..." he began, then paused. "Okay."
In such a hurry, Amanda barely noticed how uneasy he looked.
The last place Amanda wanted to be was the third floor of Bellevue hospital on a Friday night, rumpled and exhausted at the reception desk. She did as she had been told: the moment she arrived, she paged the physician who had contacted her earlier that night. In a matter of minutes, the young, female doctor appeared and pulled Amanda aside in the bustling hallway.
"Thanks for calling me. What happened?" Amanda asked the physician anxiously.
"A few hours ago, a male friend brought Kim into the emergency department. She was dizzy, her speech was slurred and she reported intense chest and shoulder pain," Dr. Rowan explained. "She went unconscious briefly. We needed to use the defibrillator on her - in other words, restart her heart."
"How is this possible?" she blurted, dumb-founded. "She's only thirty-two."
"Well... that's the other thing," the doctor went on carefully. "We did standard blood work and a toxicology screen and... there was a massive amount of cocaine in Kim's system. Even in young, healthy people, cocaine can stress the heart muscles pretty quickly and cause something like this."
"Wait a second, hold up - no," Amanda sputtered, holding both of her hands out. "Kim's been, she's been sober. She's been sober for awhile now. She's on parole, she knows if she fails a urine screen she'll be violated."
"I'm afraid the lab report doesn't lie," Dr. Rowan replied, appearing somber. "If she's been sober for a period of time and relapsed, it would explain why her heart became so stressed so quickly."
Her throat tightened. She couldn't decide if she was more shocked, angry or frightened - maybe it was some nauseating combination of all three. "I don't understand, I..." Amanda screwed her eyes shut and shook her head. This busy doctor wasn't interested in her family drama. Looking at the woman again, she asked quietly, "can I see her?"
Dr. Rowan nodded. "Of course. Room six."
Amanda walked briskly down the hallway. In the moment, she was too anxious to be furious - but she knew the anger would come soon. First, she needed to see that her sister was alive and well.
"Kim?" she said, giving room six's door a knock before walking slowly inside.
Kim's lead lolled to one side on her pillow and she gave her older sister a crooked smile. Her eyes were glassy; beneath them there were dark circles. In the large bed, she looked tinier than usual - or maybe Amanda simply hadn't noticed that she had been losing weight again. "'Manda."
"How are you feeling?" Amanda asked anxiously, hovering at Kim's side.
"Not so bad. Something good's in here." She lifted up her arm to indicate the IV she was attached to.
"Kim..." she whispered gently, her gaze searching her sister's face. "What's going on?"
"I was just havin' some fun," Kim told her innocently.
"'Having some fun?' You gave yourself a heart attack," Amanda exclaimed. She ran her fingers through her hair, nerves frayed. Her obvious, growing aggravation was rooted in fear; she stupidly never thought Kim would be in this position again. "I can't believe you're using again, Kim. I can't fucking believe it. You've been doing so well-"
"Maybe I do this better, alright?" she interrupted indignantly. "Livin' life like you want me to, I'm no good at it. It's boring and it's hard."
"And this - this is better? Blowing so much coke you nearly kill yourself?" Amanda demanded, her voice cracking with emotion. She had spent so many years worrying about Kim. Now, that old anxiety flooded Amanda like it had never even left.
She shrugged. "I messed up. I didn't do it on purpose."
"Who brought you here?"
"Eric."
"Who the hell is he? Where's Connor?"
"He's a new friend. Connor and I broke up."
"I'm telling dad that this is what you're using his money for," Amanda blurted, beginning to pace. She could feel her cheeks heating up as outrage began to boil her blood. "And I'm calling your P.O., and you're not steppin' foot around my kids again until you-"
"God, Amanda!" Kim shouted with surprising force. "Stop it, would you? This is my life, not yours! At least when I asked Sonny for help, he just did it without givin' me a lecture."
She froze. "Wait, what?"
Her sister averted her eyes, studying a spot on the wall in front of her.
"What do you mean, you asked Sonny for help?" Amanda pressed.
"A few weeks ago, I knew I was gonna fail my drug test," Kim explained coolly. "Sonny talked to Mark for me. He actually helped me, instead of just yellin'."
Amanda's mouth fell open. She was immediately so shocked and hurt that she thought her legs might give out from underneath her. Sonny was involved in Kim's downward spiral? Even worse: he had kept it from her? She felt her stomach twist in her gut. "Are you fucking kidding me?" she exploded. "He... he did that? You told him you were using, and he got you a free pass from your P.O.?"
Kim sighed. "It wasn't a big deal. You make everything a big deal."
"This is a big deal, Kim!" she shouted. "Look at you! Maybe if Bailey had violated you, you wouldn't be in this position!"
"No, I'd be in jail," her sister snapped.
She clenched her fists at her sides, digging her nails into her palm to ground herself. "Maybe that's where you belong, Kim," she hissed. "At least you're safe there."
"Get outta here," Kim scowled.
Amanda rolled her eyes. "Kim-"
"Get out!" she yelled.
A concerned-looking nurse poked her head in the doorway. "Is everything okay in here?"
"I want her to leave," Kim explained firmly, indicating toward Amanda.
"I'm sorry, but if the patient doesn't want visitors, you should go," the nurse told Amanda gently.
"She's my sister, she's just pissed-"
"I want her outta here now," Kim interrupted with a pout. "I don't feel good."
"You have to leave," the nurse insisted, now sounding stern. "Do I need to get security?"
"What? Are you kiddin' me?" Amanda cried. She looked desperately at her sister; even though Kim was totally irrational, she wanted to be with her. Maybe that made Amanda irrational, too. "Kim!"
Kim crossed her thin arms over her chest and refused to look Amanda in the eye. She appeared more like a stubborn little kid than a grown woman taking control of her own choices.
Amanda felt the nurse's prompting hand on her shoulder and shook it off immediately. "I'm goin'," she growled before charging out into the hallway. Burning up with anger, she headed home to confront her husband.
