AN: Sorry this took forever, friends! Wacky week!


we turned our back on ordinary from the start / we looked for stranger things / 'cause that's just who we are


"Amanda? What the hell is goin' on up there?" Beth Anne Rollins' voice blared through the speaker of Amanda's phone as she walked down a dark sidewalk in Queens. It was only a voicemail, but her mother's tone was powerful as if she was standing right beside her. "Your sister called me, woke me out of a dead sleep. She told me she's in the hospital and that you went down there and yelled at her, threatening to turn her in! She messed up, Amanda. God knows you've done it. I was really beginning to think you had finally figured out the value of family, but you're more concerned with bein' a cop than lookin' out for your own sister-"

Immediately deleting the message, Amanda then shoved her phone back into her pocket. Beth Anne only had Kim's version of events, but unsurprisingly, she took her youngest daughter's side without question. Even though Amanda recognized the irrationality of both women (was that genetic?), she still felt heavy with guilt. She was so angry at Kim, but she was so scared for her, too - it was the same sickening combination of emotions her younger sister had elicited in her for the majority of their lives. Then there was Sonny's involvement in it all: how could he keep such a thing from her? His deception felt painful, confusing; Amanda wasn't used to experiencing anything but honesty from her husband.

Moving quietly through her dark house, Amanda climbed the stairs and entered her bedroom. She boldly flipped on the light; Sonny groaned beneath his tangle of sheets and said something unintelligible into his pillow.

"Get. Up," Amanda ordered through gritted teeth.

Struggling to sit up, Sonny blinked groggily at her before his eyes widened and he suddenly became alert. "Amanda-"

"What the hell do you think you're doing, doing Kim favors?" she spat, tearing off her leather jacket and tossing it carelessly on the floor.

He blanched and put both of his hands up in a sign of surrender. "I was going to tell-"

"Oh, were you? When, Sonny? When did you think would be the most appropriate time to tell me about what was happening with my own sister?!" Amanda demanded as she crossed her arms tightly over her chest.

His Adam's apple bobbed nervously in his throat. "I thought she was bein' honest," he remarked sheepishly. "I thought she just slipped up-"

"That's the thing, Sonny!" she cried. "That's what she does! She fucking charms you into thinking she's got good intentions but she is always up to something and it's always fucking self-serving. She never feels the consequences of her actions, ever. You should have let her get violated. If you had just minded your own damn business, she would be in jail right now, not on a run that's probably going to kill her!" She was yelling now, not caring that it was two in the morning, not caring that her children were both asleep down the hall. She didn't know how else to get her feelings across.

"Okay, Amanda, calm down," Sonny pleaded, scrambling to get out of bed so he could stand before her. "I fucked up, I shoulda told you. I'm sorry, I just... I thought I was bein' helpful. I thought it would be one time and it'd be done, that it would never come up again."

"My mother called me," Amanda croaked, her voice beginning to tremble as she became more and more overwhelmed. Her head hurt, she was exhausted. She was starving, too - to the point of nausea. Her stress response was clearly exacerbated by her pregnancy. "Kim already got to her, tellin' her I'm being a bully and how I don't care about her, that I'm a police officer first and her sister second." She dropped her arms to her side uselessly. "So, great. Kim's either gonna disappear or go back to jail and my mother hates me again. Yeah, really fucking helpful, Sonny."

"Amanda, I'm really sorry," he insisted weakly. "I didn't want you gettin' all stressed out. I was just tryin' to look out for you."

"Well, don't!" she shouted, an old nerve struck. "I've been telling you for five damn years not to coddle me. I didn't appreciate it then and I don't appreciate it now!"

Sonny reached out for her. "I'm really-"

"Don't, okay? Don't," Amanda snapped, jumping backward. She dragged her fingers through her messy hair, then met Sonny's anxious gaze. "You're the only person I ever trusted not to lie to me, and now... now this. It makes me think: what else are you keeping from me, huh?" She could feel her throat beginning to tighten, a sure sign that she was going to start to cry. It was then that she realized that Sonny's lie hurt even more than Kim's relapse.

The muscles in his face went slack, obviously shocked by her words. "Nothing, I swear to God. I've always been honest with you, I always will be," Sonny promised her, voice low and firm. "You've gotta believe me, 'Manda. I just, I know how you get with Kim. Whenever she goes off the rails, it eats you up inside. It becomes all you think about." He cautiously took a step toward her again and added quietly, "you may not like it, but all I wanted to do was protect you. You worry about Kim, and I worry about you."

Chewing on her lower lip, Amanda studied Sonny. He looked so damn sincere; deep down, she knew that he was. She never had a reason to doubt his love for her, his intense desire to make her happy, so as much as she loathed being coddled, Sonny didn't have a malicious bone in his body. Her shoulders slumped: she was so fucking tired and hungry that she could feel the fight draining out of her with each passing second. Sonny must have sensed her defeat, because he took another step forward and wrapped his arms around her. Her own arms curled and caught between them, she dropped her forehead against his chest, then felt his hand soothing up and down her back.

"I'm sorry, it's just... I'm hungry," she eventually sobbed into his t-shirt, because it was the only emotion out of all of the feelings coursing through her that managed to make it out of her mouth.

The movement of his hand paused. "What?"

"I'm just so, it's just, I can't deal with any of this right now... I'm hungry!" Amanda moaned shamelessly.

"Uh, okay," Sonny chuckled quietly, cautiously, like he wasn't sure if this was better or worse than her screaming. "Why don't we get you something? What d'ya want?"

She wanted a lot of things. "Pancakes," she eventually grumbled.

"Okay," he laughed. "Let's go downstairs."

Shuffling behind Sonny, Amanda followed him down to the dark kitchen. She dropped her body onto a barstool at the island and rested her chin in her hand. The lights on, she watched Sonny open cabinets and drawers as he obediently assembled pancake mix in a large bowl. Any of the anger that she had originally harbored was dissipating. While Sonny's deceit had stung, Amanda knew that he was still the good man he always had been. She had to trust in his reason for keeping her in the dark - as always, he wanted to take care of her. And, as always, Amanda's first reaction was to fault him for that, when in reality, it was the best gift she had ever been given.

"Look, 'Manda. I am sorry, alright?" Sonny told her quietly, glancing at her over his shoulder as he stood at the stove. "It didn't feel right keepin' this from you. I know I shouldn't have." He sighed. "I guess I never thought she'd take advantage of me."

She frowned. "Kim's burned me so many times. I guess now you know how it feels."

"It feels pretty shitty," he mumbled.

She nodded, suddenly sad for him. "Yeah. I know."


The next day, Amanda called the hospital to talk to Kim - except she was greeted only by a stern employee who informed her that her younger sister had revoked consent to share information about her status. They refused to confirm or deny if Kim was even still admitted there; Kim had undoubtedly used the healthcare privacy laws as a spiteful way to keep Amanda guessing. Amanda called her sister's personal phone repeatedly, but unsurprisingly, she never picked up. She contemplated going to Bellevue in person, but if Kim was still there, her visit would most likely be thwarted by medical staff or erupt into conflict.

As afternoon melted into evening, Amanda took up a spot on the couch with Jesse tucked into her side and Fluffy purring in her lap. The five-year-old was watching Brave for the fifteenth time, but Amanda was simply staring distractedly at the screen in the moments between dialing Kim's number. It was pathetic, but every time it rang, she briefly convinced herself that this would be the call she answered.

The sound of Sonny's heavy footsteps coming down the stairs preceded him. When he appeared in the living room, he had Luca against one hip and his phone in his free hand. He didn't look happy.

Amanda's brow furrowed, concerned. "What?"

He exhaled audibly. "Bailey just texted me," he explained quietly. "He's violatin' her. He put a warrant out."

Her heart dropped into her stomach. All she could do is chew her bottom lip and shrug.

"Have you heard from her?" Sonny asked.

She shook her head solemnly. "No. I bet she's already running. I just wish I knew where."


July, two and a half years earlier.

With Frannie at her feet, Amanda folded laundry in her Long Island City apartment on a hot July night. Perched on the edge of the couch, she had cleared off the coffee table and separated out the items into piles. In the past, there were only two: one for her and one for her almost-three-year-old, Jesse. Now, there was another collection of clothing, and those belonged to Sonny.

Ever since he had been discharged from the hospital after being shot, Amanda had insisted he stay with her while he recuperated. Months had passed and he had healed, yet he remained in her apartment more nights than not. There hadn't been an explicit discussion about it, but in the rare occasions he returned to his own place, Amanda found herself practically begging him to come back. It wasn't just because he cooked for her or cared for Jesse like she was his own - it was because Amanda loved him. She felt like he belonged there, like he filled some empty space she never even knew existed until they woke up together in the morning and fell asleep intertwined at night.

It was a serious shift in Amanda's perspective. She had never lived with a man before, although she had been intimate with many. To her, sex was different. She knew she was attractive and could keep a guy's attention with the physical, but she wasn't so certain that any of them would be willing to tolerate all the dark corners of her private life. So she kept them all at a distance: they could have certain parts of her, but not the ones that really mattered. Then there was Sonny: warm and thoughtful and kind. He changed everything for Amanda in all of the best ways, once she let him.

She ran her fingers over the soft fabric of a burgundy Fordham t-shirt; one of Jesse's little polka dotted socks was stuck inside the sleeve. Amanda grinned as she separated the two vasty different items. Carefully, she folded the shirt and set it atop his others before she plucked another one from the basket.

The front door clicked open, revealing Sonny, and Frannie jumped up from her spot on the living room floor to run and greet him. Dressed in a gray suit, he was carrying a plastic take-out bag, which he immediately set on the kitchen counter. "Hey, babe," he called. "I got Thai."

"Hi," Amanda smiled, letting the shirt settle in her lap." "How was the night?"

"Eh, not bad. Slow." He shrugged off his suit jacket it and slung it across the back of a barstool, then walked over to join her on the couch. "The baby asleep already?"

"Yeah, she was pretty overtired," she explained. "She was fixin' to throw another epic tantrum."

Sonny nodded, sinking deeper into the couch. He leaned in and kissed her, long and slow. When he pulled away, he quirked an eyebrow as he caught sight of the laundry. "Hey, is that... is this my stuff?"

"Yeah, you just left it all in piles on the bedroom floor, I figured I might as well wash it," she responded coolly, returning to fold the shirt resting on her thighs.

He looked surprised, but pleasantly so. "Oh, well, thanks."

After a moment of quiet, she continued, "so, I've been thinkin'..."

"Yeah?" he yawned, loosening his tie and relaxing back into the cushions. "'Bout what?"

Amanda suddenly felt nervous. This thought had come to her impulsively, but maybe it was for the best. Maybe for once, she would listen to her heart instead of her head. She focused her eyes on the clothes she was working on. "Y'think maybe... maybe, you'd wanna stay?"

"Huh? Of course I'm stayin' tonight. That's why I'm here," Sonny answered her, sounding confused.

"No, I mean, like..." Amanda ran her fingertips over the neatly folded shirt. "Stay."

"I don't - oh. Oh." She could practically hear the gears in his head turning as it all clicked into place. "You mean live here?"

She looked over at him timidly, shy. "Yeah. Live here."

"Oh." He sat up straighter and watched her intently. "Okay."

She raised her eyebrows; he had answered her question like she had simply asked if he had wanted Thai for dinner. "Okay?" she repeatedly skeptically.

"Yeah. Okay," Sonny insisted. "I'd like that."

"You would?"

"Of course. I mean, it doesn't make sense, goin' back and forth all the time."

"No, it doesn't..."

"And..."

"And?"

"And..." He shifted closer to her, the sides of their thighs pressed together, and settled a hand on her knee. "And I spend every day waitin' till the moment I can get back here."

Amanda felt a smile pulling at the corners of her mouth as a warmth blossomed in her chest, radiating outward. "I know you have to figure out what to do with your place and everything, but..."

"I'll figure it out," he promised her easily. "I'll sublet it to a student or something, they'll all be back in the city soon."

Abandoning the laundry, Amanda curled up into Sonny's side and snaked her arms around his torso to hug him. His arms wrapped around her, squeezing her close into his body. "I'm happiest when you're here," she admitted in a whisper.

She felt his lips against the top of her head. "I love you," he murmured into her hair.

"I love you, too." She had only told him that for the first time a few months ago; it still felt new and the best sort of scary. She stayed tucked into his side, eyes closed as she listened to his heart beat with her ear to his chest. He smelled familiar, like coffee and Dial soap and the Burberry cologne he wore every day.

"Amanda Rollins, 'doin my laundry. What a time to be alive," Sonny sighed dramatically, the smirk even evident in his voice.

Smiling, Amanda pulled back just slightly to punch him directly in the ribs.