THE NEXT DAY dawned bright and chilly. It was late March and the weather had been getting better, but cold had returned the night before alongside hours' worth of rain. It had pounded against my window and the roof of the inn, but all I'd been able to hear had been an impossible, hauntingly sad tune that had echoed through my head the whole night. I didn't know where it had come from – there hadn't been any real music. It was the ghost of a song, something only I could hear. The only way I could think of to describe it was that it sounded exactly like sadness.
The entire population of Coffinwell was gathered by the church for Catarrhina's funeral – minus one. Phlegming had locked himself in his laboratory after Catarrhina's body had been taken away, and no one had seen hide nor hair of him since. Cristine was standing with the main group; Nick, Erik, and I were slightly off to the side. None of us were native to Coffinwell, and we didn't want to intrude upon the citizens' grief.
That didn't mean we weren't sad. I was crying more than either of the boys, but Nick was teary and Erik was even more taciturn than usual. He'd not spoken a single word since Catarrhina's death.
"The people of Coffinwell have been delivered from great peril," the priest was saying. "But our relief is overshadowed by our sadness at the passing of our dear child, Catarrhina. Her loss weighs heavily upon us all." He paused, dried his eyes with his handkerchief, and continued. "Nonetheless," he said, "we should be grateful to her for teaching us the true meaning of forbearance. Those of us left behind must try to emulate her stoicism in overcoming our sadness at her death." His voice was low and tight, like he was restraining tears. "Now, let us pray that she will ascend untroubled to the heavens and rest in peace."
I bowed my head and tried to form a coherent thought. It didn't work very well. Out here, surrounded by mourning people, the mental song of sadness was beating against the inside of my skull. All I could do was cry.
"Oh, Catarrhina!" sobbed the mayor's wife. "Ohhhh…"
"Shh, dear," Laria murmured gently. "We must try to be strong." I imagined his jaw tensing. "What I'd like to know is where the devil Phlegming's got to. How he could neglect to turn up is beyond me."
Oh, leave him alone! I thought fiercely. The man just lost his wife. You can't begrudge him his private time to mourn.
Slowly, the crowd began to disperse back to their homes. Even Laria and his wife left, surrounded by a quiet group of people. Finally, the only people left by the graves were me, Cristine, Nick, Erik, and Stella.
The faerie made her presence felt right away. "Pah!" she spat. "I doubt there'll be any benevolessence to be had now the mood here's so flapping gloomy. So much for all the guts we busted trying to save the town. We haven't even had a word of thanks, let alone a reward. Well I don't think we should stand for this, or take it lying down! I say we go to Mayor Laria and make him thank us properly."
Suddenly, I just couldn't bear standing there any more, in the middle of the mourning town, surrounded by these emotions that weren't mine and stuck with no way to do anything about it. I turned and walked away – away from the others, away from the church, away from the city entirely. I couldn't think with all these people around and all their sad songs pouring out on me. And there was a ghost there, too. I couldn't see it in the cold, clear light of the morning, but it was there all the same. I could hear its song.
I went east from the city, to where the land slipped down into a short cliff to the agitated ocean. Once I was there, finally alone again, I slipped down and hugged my knees to my chest and sat there, staring out over the sea, letting my tears flow freely.
No one came after me. Even the monsters let me alone. I was grateful. I had spent my life learning how to be lonely when my worst moments came, and lonely was how I dealt with them. Even after four years of travelling with Cristine, I still found things easier to deal with when I was alone. I shared in people's emotions, but I wasn't sure how to share back. And besides, the more people who were around, the more emotions I felt. It was usually almost unnoticeable, but at times like this…it was overwhelming. I couldn't deal with it with other people. I had to be alone.
I sat there crying for hours before I finally ran out of tears. Then I just sat there, shivering in the chill, watching the waves crash against the cliff beneath me.
"Why would You do this?" I whispered. "Why would You take her away like that? She was so young. And Phlegming needed her. This whole town needed her. And it loved her. Why did she have to die?" I searched the skies, looking for a reply, but all I saw was chilly blue and a few scattered clouds.
I sighed and hunched down against the cold. I needed to go inside, I thought, but I couldn't make myself go back towards Coffinwell. Easier to deal with my own personal gloom out here than go back inside those walls and feel the sadness of every person there singing down at me as well.
And then I heard a voice from behind me. "May I sit down?"
I turned and looked, knowing as I did how unstable I must have looked – sitting alone at the edge of a cliff, for-once unspiked hair a mess from the wind, eyes red from crying.
Erik was standing there.
"Um, sure," I said. My voice was cracked.
He sat down next to me, folding his long body so that his knees were at his chest, too. He didn't say anything, didn't even look at me. All he did was look out over the ocean, like I had been doing. After a moment, I relaxed slightly and leaned forwards, my chin on my knees, and looked out again.
I was the one who ended up breaking the silence. "What are you going to do?" I asked. "About benevolessence. Stella's right – you're not likely to get any here with everyone so sad about Catarrhina. How are you going to get your powers back so you can go back to the Observatory?"
He snorted quietly, closing his eyes. "You are so eager to see me gone."
"Yes, most of the time." I sighed and closed my eyes. It felt nice.
"Most of the time?"
I shrugged, opening my eyes to glance at him. He was looking at me. "I dunno. Sometimes you're a bit more bearable. But you're bound to be missing the Observatory. It must be easier for you to deal with than this place."
"There are far fewer people," Erik said in a tone that sounded like agreement. "And they are certainly more reserved than mortals. Your people are far more boisterous than I am accustomed to."
"Mm." We were silent for a while longer. A slight sound nudged at the back of my mind, too quiet for me to really hear. I tried to block it out entirely.
"There is a ghost in the city," Erik said.
I nodded. "I noticed it earlier. Probably a victim of the contagion. I can't imagine it's a peaceful way to go."
"No," Erik agreed. "All the same, I think tonight I shall have to put some effort into helping it on. I have not seen Coffinwell's Guardian anywhere, so it seems the job falls to me." He glanced at me. "Do you know how to help spirits on?"
"Been doing it for years," I replied. Then I blinked. "What do you mean, you haven't seen Coffinwell's Guardian?"
He looked at me oddly. "I mean I have not seen her," he said. "Why? Have you?"
I shook my head slowly. "No," I said. "That's odd." It was. Coffinwell had been in the worst state possible when we'd arrived. If there had been any time for its Guardian to be around, it was then.
Then I sighed. "Fun night, then. I'm going to be emotional for a while, I suppose… Either that or I'll be feeling ill for a week."
"Well," Erik said. "I suppose there is nothing to do for it. Had there been, I have no doubt Aquila would have taught it to me."
"Who?"
"My master," Erik said, looking back out at the ocean. "He was rather strange – not one for conversation, or people, but among the best Guardians of whom I have ever heard. I doubt he would ever have taken an apprentice had Apus Major not urged him on."
I just nodded. I was a bit curious now, but there was no point in asking about anything. Soon enough, Erik would be back at the Observatory with his strange master and his Apus Major, and it wouldn't matter. I wondered what the rest of us would do. Cristine and I would continue travelling, no doubt. But as for Nick…I hadn't the slightest idea.
"Come," Erik said finally. "We ought to have lunch." He pushed himself off the ground and brushed grass of the back of his trousers. I hesitated.
"What is it?"
I wrinkled my nose and shrugged. "I'm not sure I can deal with the city right now," I said.
"Come," Erik said again. "You shall have to deal with it at some point. It is best not to put it off."
I hesitated a second longer, and then rose. "I guess," I said. And we returned to Coffinwell in silence.
We had lunch and then spent the rest of the day doing…well, whatever we felt up to doing. The other three stopped by the armour and weapons shop and came back with new equipment – a war fan for Cristine, a staff of sentencing for Nick, a pair of razor claws for Erik. I didn't want to go. My old leather whip had been serving me for years, and it hadn't let me down yet. It would be good for a while longer.
All I really felt up to that afternoon was spiking my hair back up and sitting by the window. Since everyone had dispersed, it was muted, but back in the town I could hear the sad song. And from somewhere, there were jarring chords of anger and pain. I tried to block it out, but I had no idea how. So I was left there with the song inspiring sadness that wasn't mine.
Later on, I made myself leave my room. There were bookshelves near the common room; perhaps I would get a book to read until evening, when Cristine had told me we were going to meet with Laria. But as I started to round the corner into the common room, I heard Nick's voice: "…Tammy do that often?"
He was sitting at one of the tables, talking with Cristine. I shrank back, not wanting to go in if they were talking about me but not wanting to leave, either.
Cristine shrugged. "Yes," she said. "I'm not really sure why. I've known her for four years – she's my best friend – but…she seems to prefer being on her own. And besides, she's kind of a private person. Most of the time I've known her, it's been just the two of us, and I still don't know where she's from or even her last name. I haven't asked, and she hasn't told." She shrugged again. "And she won't, until she's ready. It's just the way she is."
Nick nodded slowly. "It just seems a bit odd," he admitted. "I know plenty of people who tend to prefer being alone, but Tammy doesn't seem like the type. She's…she's…"
"Yeah," Cristine said. "I think I know what you mean. She understands people really well; she's good at dealing with them, even if she doesn't suffer fools lightly." She laughed a little. "But…I don't know. If she wanted me to know, I'm sure she'd have told me already.
I stood still for a moment longer, but they didn't say anything else. I swallowed, and then turned and fled back down the hall to my bedroom.
After supper that evening, we set out for Laria's mansion. Once again, we found him in his library.
"Oh, it's you," he said, seeing us. "What are you doing here at this hour?" Then he blinked. "Oh, of course, your reward for accompanying young Phlegming. It completely slipped my mind." He rummaged around under his desk for a moment, and came up with a feathered headband. "I hope this hairband will suffice." He handed it to Erik, and then looked back down at the manuscripts strewn across his desk. I was suddenly reminded of how Phlegming's lab looked.
We left, and I sighed with relief as we moved further away. It wasn't much of a difference – nothing would be unless I got far enough away – but it was better than being cooped up in the room with Laria. I could at least hear myself think over the song still making its mournful way through my head.
"What a flapping let-down!" Stella complained. "Is that it? That's all we get after bending over backwards, forwards, and sideways for these people? If only that Catarrhina hadn't gone and kicked a bucket, everyone would be happy and there'd be benevolessence aplenty. Gah… There's got to be some way of sorting out this mess…"
I sighed. Then I blinked in surprise as I found the pink headband being shoved into my hands.
"You take this," Erik said. "I am not a minstrel. I will never have any cause to wear it."
I wrinkled my nose at the pastel pink and the multi-coloured feather. Then I held it out to Cristine. "You know my taste in clothes," I said. "This thing is too impractical for me. It'd look great on you, though. The green'll match your eyes."
"Erm, thanks," Cristine replied. She took the headband and examined it. I hadn't been lying; I could see her wearing it. But she didn't put it on just then. I supposed there wasn't much point.
"I'm going back to the inn," Nick said. "Maybe look over some maps, think about what to do next."
"I'll go, too," Cristine said. "Tammy? Erik?"
Remembering the ghost I'd heard at the funeral that morning, I shook my head. "Go on without me," I told them. "I'll be back in a bit."
Cristine and Nick headed back to the inn, and I glanced at Erik. "What, do you not trust me to do this on my own?"
He shrugged. "I have no reason to go back to the inn," he said. "With luck, I will not need to accompany you to the next place you choose. I should like to see how it is that you assist spirits. Perhaps it is different from what Celestrians do."
"Okay," I said doubtfully. "Shall we head over to the graveyard, then?"
There was a slender figure standing by the graves, translucent and glowing softly. As we got closer, I realised I recognised it. My eyes went wide. "Catarrhina!"
Erik let out a quiet noise of surprise, and we hurried over to the graveyard.
"Oops!" Catarrhina was saying, looking herself over. "I appear to be dead."
"Yeah," I said. "That tends to be the only reason people go all transparent."
Catarrhina jumped and turned to see Erik and me standing under the arch leading to the church and the graves. "Wait a minute!" she exclaimed. "You can see me? That's amazing! I sensed you were different, Erik, but I never would have guessed you were one of them."
She looked at me for a second, seeming to be testing whether or not I could really see her too. When I followed her with my gaze, she beamed.
"What a stroke of luck!" she cheered. "That means you'll probably be able to help me out. You see, I need to try and jolly Phlegmy up a bit. He's in a terrible way at the moment, and I don't see him getting better by himself. You can help, can't you?"
"That is the whole reason we came, Miss Catarrhina," Erik said, dipping his head.
"Thank you, thank you!" Catarrhina said, and I swear that if she had been corporeal, she would have hugged us both. "I suppose the first thing is to get him to come out of his laboratory. I'm sure I'll be able to figure out a way of doing that, so you just head down there and we'll take it from there."
When Erik and I got there, I tried the knob, knowing as I did so that it wasn't going to work.
I was proved right. The knob wouldn't turn.
"You won't have any luck like that, Tammy," said Catarrhina's voice from behind me. I jumped and turned to see that she'd materialised a little ways down the alley. She smiled and joined us.
"Phlegmy will only come out if you use our secret knock," she told us, and proceeded to describe it. I rapped it out on the door quickly, before I forgot a step.
"…Catarrhina?" came Phlegming's voice from inside. It sounded hoarse. "Catarrhina, is that you?"
Then Erik and I both jumped back as the door was flung open, banging against the wall, to reveal a very dishevelled-looking Phlegming. He looked around, and then his gaze settled on Erik and me.
"Was that…? Which one of you knocked like that?" He glared at us from behind his spectacles, which were sitting lopsided on his nose.
"Me, sir," I said. But before I could say anything else, he started in on me.
"Of all the tasteless jokes, mimicking Catarrhina's special knock like that!" he yelled. I shrank back. "Don't you dare ever do that again!"
He turned to storm back inside, but was interrupted by a voice from above us. "Oi, Phlegmin'!" it called.
Everyone turned to glance up and saw one of the men of the city leaning over the railing. "Glad I caught ya. I've got a message for ya, as it 'appens. Thanks for gettin' rid of that 'orrible disease. Everyone in Coffinwell says thanks, an' all. We owe ya big time! Oh yeah, an' we're all 'opin you'll be back to normal soon. Everyone's worried sick about ya."
He left, waving, and Phlegming blinked in surprise. "What in the name of –?"
Taking advantage of Phlegming's momentary distraction, Catarrhina got Erik's and my attention and said, "I'd like you to pass on a final message to Phlegmy for me. Can you tell him that I want him to meet with the people he saved by sealing away the contagion?"
"Dr Phlegming," I said quickly, before he could go back into his lab. We'd never get him back out if he went in again. "Please, listen to me. We're not pulling a joke, I swear. It's Catarrhina – she wants – she'd want you to meet with the people you saved by sealing away the contagion." I looked up at him, meeting his eyes. "Please. You've no idea how grateful everyone is."
He hesitated.
"Sir," Erik said. "We spoke to her. It is what she wants you to do."
"Spoke to her…" Phlegming murmured. He swallowed. "Catarrhina said that? But I wouldn't even know where to start. I don't even know who was ill. All I was worried about was trying to get the better of Father-in-law…" He hesitated, glancing down, and then looked back up at us. "I'd like you to take me to see the people who were ill," he said. "I know the moment has somewhat passed, but I'd like to know who suffered from the disease and how they felt. Then perhaps I'll be able to understand what it was like for my Catarrhina."
"Please agree to what he asks," Catarrhina said. "I think this is just what he needs."
Erik nodded. "Of course," he said. "Erm…" He glanced at me. "Tammy, do you know who else was ill?"
I bit my lip. "Um, no," I said. "We weren't here long enough, and I was a little too worried about sealing it up to think about who else was sick…"
"I know," Catarrhina said. "I caught the contagion tending to the ill. Just follow me."
She headed off, and Erik and I hurried after her. Phlegming followed behind.
As Phlegming talked with the near-victims of the contagion, I was surprised by what I "heard" in the strange emotion-music. It wasn't the overwhelming sadness I'd been feeling since Catarrhina's death. Sure, it was a little melancholy, but there was so much gratitude in it that it sounded like a different song entirely. And I recognised it. This was the same thing I had sensed in Stornway before all the benevolessence had appeared. I hadn't heard the song then; it wasn't as concentrated as when I was in the room with someone. But I could hear it now. After a day of the sad song echoing through my head, the gratitude was a huge relief.
We only visited four or five people, but it took hours. Everyone was so eager to talk to Phlegming – to thank him, to offer him condolences, to ask him how he'd sealed the contagion away, to bring out food and eat with him, even just to make small talk. For someone as adverse to company as Phlegming, he was handling it remarkably well. I watched him as he spoke with the families of the people he'd saved and saw how animated his face became. Even late into the night, as my eyelids started to droop and Erik stopped bothering to hide his yawns, Phlegming was still going strong.
But as we left the inn after a short, very strange visit with a weird lady dressed up like a bunny, Phlegming sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "I think I've seen enough now," he said. "Let's go back to my laboratory."
The lab was a mess. Books were scattered on the floor like they'd been thrown round the room. There were water stains on pages lying open on the desk. The candles were burnt down almost to nothing, dangerously close to the papers, and there was a distinct smell of ale, though I couldn't see any sign of the stuff.
"I must thank you both," Phlegming said, turning to Erik and me. "You've enabled me to see what it was Catarrhina wanted me to understand. Everything I've done has always been for myself, and I haven't given much thought to the people around me. That's why I didn't notice Catarrhina was ill. Unforgiveable, I know…" He shoved his spectacles up and rubbed at his eyes quickly.
"Walking around town today," he continued, "I realised for the first time how many people there are around me. From now on, I'm going to try to be more of a part of the community." He looked away, smiling a little. "And I must admit that it was rather nice to be the object of so much gratitude…"
Then he sat down at the desk and set to work putting it back into some form of order. I watched for a second, a strange feeling of warmth blooming in my stomach and making me smile. Then I touched Erik's arm. "Let's go," I whispered.
As we turned to leave, Catarrhina materialised by the door. Her figure seemed brighter somehow, a little more glow and a little less substance. Chords stirred in the back of my mind.
"Thank you so much for helping Phlegmy come to his senses," Catarrhina said. "You've allowed me to fulfil my dream, even though I'm no longer alive." She looked at Phlegming, and I could hear the music getting louder. It was a sweet melody, gentle and all-enveloping, and it stirred a strange longing inside of me.
"You see, it's always been my dream for the people of Coffinwell to realise how wonderful Phlegmy is. And for him to grow to love the place. That's exactly what I've always wanted."
Her shape began to glow brighter. She looked down at herself, surprised. "Aah, it looks like I've run out of time." Her feet left the ground. "It's time to say goodbye," she murmured. "I wish you well…" Her eyes fell on Phlegming, and as her spirit's glow increased to the point where I could hardly stand to look at the light, the song reached a soaring crescendo. It was kind, and patient, and even as gentle as it was, it was incredibly powerful. I felt my eyes start to tear up. Whatever emotion this song was making, it was beautiful, something that needed to be shared. I'd never felt it before.
And then the glow disappeared, leaving behind only an echo of the beautiful song and the strange new longing inside my soul.
By the time I stumbled into bed that night, Cristine was already fast asleep on the other side of the room. When I woke up the next morning, she was gone. Sunlight was streaming in through the windows. I sat up, rubbing my eyes, and got out of bed and ready for the day.
I found the others sitting in the common room. Nick and Cristine were looking over a map; Erik was leaning back in his chair, arms folded, watching the city outside the window. Stella was bobbing in the air by his shoulder.
"Morning, Tammy," Cristine said.
"Hi," I said, pulling up a chair and joining them at the table. "Are we making plans?"
Nick nodded. "I've been thinking we could head over to Newid Isle," he said. "Alltrades Abbey is there, and a little fishing village called Porth Llaffan. It could be an interesting place to visit."
"Mm." I reached for the solitary roll lying on a plate in the centre of the table. "Does anyone else want this?"
Cristine shook her head. "We were saving it."
"Thanks," I said, and started eating. As I did, I glanced at Erik. He looked frustrated, and his brow was furrowed as he gazed out the window, like he was willing something to happen. "What's got your panties in a wad?"
He looked at me, and even though we were about even from across the table, it felt like he was looking down his nose at me. "That was rude."
I raised my eyebrows. "You're not a morning person, are you?" Without waiting for an answer, I got up and moved so I could look out the window. Glowing crystals of benevolessence were dotting the streets of Coffinwell. Remembering what Stella had said outside of Stornway Castle, I thought I knew why he looked so frustrated. Quietly, I asked, "You can't see it, can you?"
He snorted. "I ought to have known," he muttered. "Naturally. Everyone can see it but me."
I rolled my eyes and went back to my seat. "Definitely not a morning person," I decided aloud. "So what're we all going to do?"
Erik rose sharply, almost hitting Stella's little pink light with his shoulder. "I have something I must take care of," he said. "I shall take some time. Do not wait up for me. I will find you at a later time if I must."
Then he left the inn.
Nick and Cristine watched him go, still with surprise. "What in the…?"
"What a strange guy," Nick said, shaking his head. "Do you think we ought to wait?"
I shook my head. "No," I said. "He… It's like he said, he might take a while." I shrugged. "You probably just ought to keep going."
"'You'?" Cristine asked. "Tammy, you can't tell me you're going to follow him again! For two people who get along so poorly, you certainly do spend a lot of time together."
"Who said I was following him?" I demanded. "Just go, you two. Honestly. You'd think I can't take care of myself!"
And then I followed Erik's example and walked out.
Cristine sighed as she watched Tammy stride out of the inn. "Not again," she murmured.
"Shouldn't we go after them?" Nick asked. He was halfway out of his seat.
"No," Cristine said, shaking her head. "It…it'll be all right. Tammy can take care of herself. And Erik…well, as long as he doesn't irritate her again, he'll be fine."
Nick sank back into the chair. "How can you take this so calmly?" he asked. "If my best friend kept disappearing, I'd be more than a little worried. Why won't you ever ask her what's going on?"
"Because she's not ready to tell me," Cristine replied. She sighed and looked down. "I wish she'd realise that she can share things, but…whatever the reason is for her being so alone, it's something I think she's been dealing with since long before I met her."
She must have looked sadder than she had realised, because Nick reached out to touch her arm reassuringly. She blinked and looked up to find him looking at her.
"We could go after them, if you like," he said. "I don't know how we'll get wherever we're going next, anyway. There's nothing to lose by following them."
With effort, Cristine shook her head. "No," she said. "Erik's not going to like it if we intrude on his privacy. Tammy will make him grumpy enough; it'll be safest to leave well enough alone." She smiled. "Thank you, though."
Nick nodded. "Here," he said, gesturing at the map. "Where do you think we ought to head next?"
Erik didn't notice me as I followed him down the path back towards the Starflight Express.
Stella had been right, I decided, looking at the wing-shimmers which I'd grown so used to: the benevolessence was giving Erik his powers back. His wings and halo were clearly defined now, even though they had a strange, ethereal look to them. Neither Erik nor Stella seemed able to see them, though. It was odd.
I felt bad about leaving Cristine and Nick behind in the inn, but I hadn't been able to do anything else. I couldn't exactly tell them what Erik was, after all. It was stupid to be following him, but for some reason I felt like I needed to. It felt like there was a magnet drawing me towards everything that was happening around him. Much as the Celestrian irritated me sometimes, I couldn't make myself stay away.
Finally, I got tired of trailing behind. As we entered the pass between Stornway and Angel Falls, I got up behind Erik and said, "You know, it's really rather rude to leave without a proper goodbye."
He nearly jumped out of his skin and whirled around to face me. "Tammy!" he said. "You...you irritating little mortal! Why do you feel the need to follow me?"
"It's the only way to find out a bloody thing about you," I said. I put my hands in my pockets. "No, wait. That sounded odd."
He put a hand to his face and rubbed at the bridge of his nose. "Return to Coffinwell," he told me. His voice was a little muffled. "You should know that this does not concern you."
"Actually," I said, "I think it does. And anyway, you're not going to get rid of me. I'm coming whether you want me to or not." I started walking. "Are you coming?" I called over my shoulder. "I can't get the Starflight Express started without a Celestrian."
He hurried after me. "Tammy, I am not joking!" he said. "Go back to Coffinwell. I do not intend to return to the Protectorate after I reach the Observatory. And you are not going to accompany me!"
"Please, Erik," I said, pausing to look back at him. "I can't explain why. I just… I feel like I have to go."
He looked at me for a moment, and I thought I saw something flicker in his eyes. But then he started walking again, and passed me. "No," he said. "I am sorry. But you cannot accompany me to the Observatory."
"Why not?" I asked, aware that I sounded like a whining toddler. "Honestly, Erik! I don't see why you have such an objection to this."
"Because mortals do not go to the Observatory," Erik snapped without turning around.
I was about to argue, but then a soft glow from down the path caught my eye. "Hm?" I murmured. Then I broke into a jog and headed towards the light.
The ghost of a slim young woman shrouded in a dark cloak was standing in the clearing by the Starflight. I couldn't see much of her face beneath the hood, but as I got closer to her, music stirred in the back of my mind. I'd thought the song I'd heard in Coffinwell had been sad, but this…this was impossible. It was old, heavy with loneliness and desperation and despair. The end of my nose started to sting, my throat went tight, and I felt tears come to my eyes.
"Blimey, she looks like she could do with cheering up," Stella said from behind me. "Hey, Erik, she must be a ghost. Why don't you ask her what's wrong? She looks like she could use an ear to cry into."
The girl took no notice of any of us. She glanced around. When she spoke, it sounded like she was beyond tears. Her voice was weary.
"He's not here…"
"What?" squawked Stella.
The girl shook her head sadly. "He's not here either…"
As she walked away, her form faded. The song in my head disappeared with her, but I could still hear the remnants. It was stuck in my head.
"Charming!" Stella said. "Talk about cold shoulders! Some people are so flapping rude!" She snorted, and then said, "Huh, never mind. We've got better things to be doing. All aboard the Starflight Express!"
I made myself move and climbed the steps onto the train. Erik looked at me flatly. "For the final time," he said, "you are not going."
"Erik," I said. "I'm not a stray dog you're bringing into the house. I can behave. It's not like I'm going to pee on anything!"
"I do not trust you to behave around my people," Erik said. "I put up with it because I have had to, but the rest of my people are not so forgiving of rudeness. It is your tongue I am concerned about, not your bladder control."
I didn't respond, just slid the door open and stepped inside the train.
"Fine," Erik snapped. "But if you are told to leave, I will tell Stella to bring you back down immediately."
Stella fluttered in past me and called out to Erik, who was moving slowly. "Come on, get a wiggle on! The old rustbucket isn't going anywhere without you to help it get its feet off the ground!"
The second Erik stepped on board, the train jolted. A ripple of light ran across the walls from the entrance all the way up to the control panel at the front, and it started to rumble.
"Woohoo!" cheered Stella. "Look at her! I'd say she's finally decided you're a Celestrian after all, wouldn't you, Erik? This is it! Now all I have to do is… Er…fly us home…"
An expression of doubt crossed her face. Erik and I both looked at her sharply.
"Stella," Erik said, "Tell me you know what to do."
She nodded a little frantically. "It's no problem for the dab-handed driver of the Starflight Express, of course!" she said. "I'll just, er…programulate the…co-ordinators into the control panel over there and we'll be up, up and away before you can wink!"
She fluttered over to the control panel and looked over the buttons nervously.
"We're going to die," I muttered.
"If you recall," Erik replied, "I did not ask you to come. In fact, I instructed you to remain behind."
I gave him a look. "And you're not the slightest bit panicked about this?"
He looked forwards and didn't answer.
"…Um, aye, aye, captain!" Stella was saying. "Full steam ahead! No time for second thoughts now! Here we go, then…"
A sudden thought crossed my mind, and I sprinted to shut the train door.
"Iiiiit's TAKE-OFF TIME!"
She brought her hand down and slammed a button on the control panel. The Starflight rumbled and rose shakily into the air. She continued poking at buttons, muttering to herself.
"Let's see… Just a little tap here and then…let's try that on there, and then…"
She banged twice on the panel, and the Starflight started moving forwards. Stella grinned. "Haha!" she laughed. "I did it! I did it!"
And then, seeing that I had covered my face in a combination of exasperation and terror, she coughed. "Ahem, I mean, obviously. I did it. After all, I'm the cucumber-cool captain of the Starflight Express!" She slapped Erik on the chest. He shot her one of his signature flat looks.
She cleared her throat. "Right then!" she said. "Observatory, here we come!"
"Oh, no…" I moaned, seeing her go for the control panel again.
"Woohooooo!"
"We're gonna die!"
Stella slapped a final button, and the Starflight launched into the air.
Erik and I were slammed against the back wall by the sudden increase in gravity. I almost blacked out, and it felt like I'd left my stomach on the ground. I screamed, and I didn't feel a bit embarrassed about it. I did later, but not then.
It probably didn't take as long as it felt like it did for us to finally level out. Shakily, I pulled myself to my feet and over to a window.
We were making a slow loop around a huge stone building with a big tree at the top. It would have been beautiful, I decided, except that it looked like it was falling to pieces. Chunks of stone were missing, leaving gaping holes in a couple places, and all the plant life except the tree seemed to be dead. It looked like the ruin of a place, not somewhere people lived.
Erik joined me by the window, and his eyes went wide in horror. "No," he breathed. "This is impossible. How could this have befallen the Observatory? Surely that dark light could not have done such damage…"
Dark light…? Was he talking about what I thought he was? The lights I had seen far off on the night of the earthquake… Were they to blame for all this?
"Stella," Erik said sharply, looking towards the faerie. "Apus Major is near Yggdrasil; take us there, please."
I looked back out the window. Four figures were standing by the tree: one woman and three men, one of whom had a ring of white hair around his head and a long white beard. They all had silver haloes and white wings. Their wings were much larger than Erik's phantom pair.
We circled around the Observatory once and then came to a surprisingly gentle stop on the level directly below the tree. I watched as the four Celestrians noticed the Starflight and hurriedly glided down the stairs towards it.
Faintly, I could hear one of them – the old one, I assumed – talking to the others. I couldn't quite make out the words, though.
Erik slid open the door on the side of the compartment.
"Apus Major!" cried one of the other Celestrians. "Someone is emerging from within!"
"Hm?" the old man – Apus Major – said, turning. Erik stepped out onto the Observatory.
"B-by the stars!" stuttered Apus Major. "Erik? Is it truly you? What are you doing aboard the…"
I had moved over to the door so I could watch the proceedings. Apus Major had broken off. He and the others were staring at Erik in horror.
"What is this?" he whispered. "Your wings…your halo…what horrors have you suffered, child?"
In his typical clipped fashion, Erik went through the story about what had happened to him. It was the beginning that got my attention. He talked about Yggdrasil, some things called fyggs, and about falling through the air to land, wingless and haloless, in Angel falls. He talked briefly about rescuing Patty from the Hexagon and finding the Inny for Erinn, and then about meeting Stella and going to Stornway, Zere, and finally Coffinwell before returning to the Observatory.
When he finished, the other Celestrians were silent for a moment. Finally, Apus Major murmured, "But what of the other Celestrians who are gone to the realm beneath? Why are you alone returned to us?"
"Others?" Erik asked sharply. "Which others?"
They were about to answer, but then one of the other men spotted me. "What is this, Erik?" he asked. "Who is this whom you have brought with you?"
Erik stiffened. I tried to shrink back into the Starflight, but it was too late. They'd all already seen me.
"A mortal!" exclaimed the girl. "Erik, what possessed you to bring a mortal with you here, to the home of the Celestrians? This is not a place which they are to receive the honour of seeing."
"She would not be left behind," Erik said. I couldn't tell if he was grumbling about me or defending me. "Orphea, she is able to see us. Ghosts and faeries are visible to her, as well. I did not think it would cause any harm to allow her to accompany me, particularly as she was like as not to attack me if I did not. Stella will take her home – will you not, Stella?"
Stella glanced at me, and then at Erik. "Uh…
Erik sighed and rubbed at his temples like he was getting a headache. "Almighty protect my sanity from mortal girls and faeries," he muttered. Then he looked up at Apus Major. "I think it would cause no harm for her to remain here until Stella is ready to depart," he said.
Apus Major blinked once, nonplussed by the situation, and then nodded slowly. "Very well," he said. "All of you, to the Great Hall. Let Erik tell us in greater detail of the events unfolding in the Protectorate."
I took that as an invitation to leave the Starflight. As soon as the soles of my boots came into contact with the stone, a hum travelled up through my bones and blood, thrumming through me and finally coalescing into sound when it reached my brain. I froze, not able to move from the strength of the emotion behind the song. It was all so powerful – kindness, protectiveness, caring, and an unbelievable, somehow gentle ferocity for the things to be protected.
And I was one of those things.
I didn't know where I was when I opened my eyes. I was disoriented.
That was strange. I was used to waking up someplace different every time.
Or was I? What kind of life did I lead where I never rested my head in the same place twice? Did I enjoy it?
I sat up, blinking, and looked around. I was sitting on the ground in a wood. Since there was no undergrowth and the trees weren't crowded in together, I could see a long way, but I couldn't see an end to them. There was a slight whisper in the back of my mind, soft, steady music like waves breaking on the shore. It was warm here, but not uncomfortably so. The wood was full of a soft green light, sunshine filtered down through the leaves. There was no chance of my fair skin being burnt here.
As I looked around, I realised that I was alone among the trees. For some reason, the thought made me incredibly sad. That wasn't right. I was used to being lonely, wasn't I? That was what I remembered. It shouldn't make me sad.
Who was I, then, that I wandered alone? I couldn't remember. But I thought that maybe I hadn't been entirely alone. I remembered faces. Some of them were constants.
But where had I wandered? It felt to me like I'd been in this wood my whole life, however long that had been. I didn't even know how long I'd been awake. It could have been the span of a blink or it could have been a thousand years. Time meant nothing here.
I tried to remember. Flashes of faces came to mind, leftover snatches of memories and songs. The songs were the strongest things I could remember. There were emotions in them.
As I thought, I began to wander. The trees stood still as I walked past, seeming to welcome me. The quiet noise in my mind was another song, I thought. It came from the trees. Did they have emotions too, then?
Yes.
I started, looking around for the source. Who had agreed with me? There was no one here but the trees.
It is I who spoke.
Now my searching grew more frantic. Somehow, that voice was familiar, like a melody from a past life. I needed to find where it was coming from.
I am here.
Where is here? I thought. I can't see anyone. There are only trees.
Exactly.
That made no sense. I paused in my search, looking around.
We are the first children of She whom you saw when you reached the Observatory. We are the Faerie. The first children of Yggdrasil.
Now it was "we" instead of "I". I was still absolutely clueless. Even the calming melody of the forest wasn't helping me keep my temper.
What am I doing here? What is here? Who are you really?
I have told you already who I am. Who we are. And who you are, in part.
Huh? This was annoying. Why wouldn't she answer my questions properly?
I am trying to answer your questions. Keep your temper, child of the wilderness.
Who are you, specifically? I asked. All "faerie" tells me is that you look like Stella. And you're as annoying as her, too.
A ripple of laughter went through the music in my head. We are not the faerie you know, child, she said. We are the ancients – the Faerie, those which mortals know as the Fae. The Good Folk.
A chill went down my spine. I'd heard stories about the Fae. When, I didn't know; but I'd heard them. But all the stories said that they had died out centuries ago.
Stories can be wrong. We are not dead yet, though we are near to it. Her voice was sad. Ask what you will, child, and I will do my best to answer. But I cannot answer all, and those questions that I may answer you may not understand.
I looked around the wood. A sense of awe descended over me as I realised that the trees were the spirits of the Faerie. They looked like Yggdrasil, I decided, and then wondered how I knew that. I wasn't sure what Yggdrasil was.
Finally, the only thing I could ask was, Why am I here?
You are here to learn, Tamara, she said.
I blinked. Tamara. Tammy. That was my name. I remembered now.
What am I supposed to learn?
To forget your loneliness.
That didn't really make sense. How can I learn to forget something? I asked. And who said I was lonely? I'm with you, aren't I? I can't be lonely if I'm with someone.
Sadness tinged the edge of the melody as she said, You have always been lonely, even now when you do not need to be. Remember these words, my child. You must forget your loneliness. It served you in the past, but now it will cause you nothing but heartache. You were not made to be alone, Tamara. Your destiny lies with others.
And then my vision started to disappear.
Wait! I called. I need to ask more!
You know enough for now. It is time for you to awake, child of the wilderness.
Will I return? I asked. I needed to know.
Do not fear. You will find yourself here when you truly find need of me. Goodbye and go well, my child.
The voice was gone then, but I could hear her song still echoing through my mind. It left me feeling warm inside, and I knew that if it was up to her, I would always be protected.
Goodbye…
When I woke up, I was lying on a bed. The sheets were pulled up to my chin and I was curled into as much of a ball as my bony body would allow. It was the position I always found myself in when I woke.
I uncurled and sat up, looking around. The bed was in a small stone room. I was still in the Observatory.
Now I remembered everything – the faces, the songs, everything else. I wondered why I'd forgotten all of it in my dream.
My dream. I leant back against the headboard, looking up, and called it back to mind. It wasn't like other dreams I'd had – I could remember every detail, down to the texture of the Faerie's voice and each chord of the song. If I'd had a lyre, I would have been able to play it.
Then the door opened and Erik walked in. "Tammy!" he said in surprise when he saw me sitting up. "You have woken."
"Yeah," I said. "What happened?"
He shrugged. "I am not certain," he said. "When you disembarked from the Starflight, you collapsed. You have been asleep for nearly twelve hours."
I blinked. The dream hadn't felt that long, but then time didn't seem to have any meaning in the forest of Faerie spirits.
"So what have you been doing for the past half a day?" I asked. "It doesn't look like anyone managed to work a miracle cure on your wings and halo. They still look just as transparent as always."
"What?"
I dropped my head into my hand. "Right, you can't see them," I said. "Nor can Stella or the others, I suppose."
"I still have wings?" If he hadn't been a Celestrian, I was willing to bet he would be straining around in a circle, trying to peer onto his back to see them for himself. As it was, he looked over his shoulder.
"Only a little," I said. "They've been getting a little more solid with the benevolessence, but they still look pretty ghostly."
"Hm." He ran a hand through his bushy hair, and then shook his head sharply. "In any case, that is not why I came in here. If you believe you are sufficiently recovered, we must make haste back to the Protectorate."
I raised my eyebrows. "'We'?" I asked. "I thought you were staying here."
"I had a dream," he said.
"What a coincidence," I muttered. "Carry on, sorry."
Erik's dream was definitely different from mine. He talked about two voices, a man's and a young woman's. The man had been intent upon destroying the mortals, and the young woman had stopped him by changing herself into something. Erik said he hadn't seen what she'd changed to.
Then he said he'd heard the young woman's voice again, telling him to return to the Protectorate and recover some kind of fruit he called fyggs.
"They are Yggdrasil's sacred fruit," he explained. "The reason Celestrians gather benevolessence is to offer it to the Tree and cause the fyggs to bloom, for according to our legends, the Celestrians were to join the Almighty in His realm when fyggbloom occurred. However, the night they bloomed was the night of the earthquake, and they were flung to earth along with me."
I blinked. That's what the golden comets were!
"So we must go to Alltrades Abbey," Erik continued. "There is a tree there to guide us."
"Alltrades," I said. "I think that's where Cristine and Nick were going to go." I bit my lip. "I wonder if they went on without us…"
Erik shrugged. "We shall find out," he said. He extended a hand to help me up. "Come. Let us return to the Protectorate."
