Chapter Forty-Four

Sunday 21st July

Forgive me

They had better luck at the bar, but then it was Nikki's turn to buy. They took their drinks to a table and sat in silence for a bit. Harry tried to think of something to chat about and failed to find a subject that wouldn't depress him further.

"What is it about coming out with me that reminds you so much of them, I mean is it me? Or the pubs?"

"Hunh?"

"Your long face. Your far away look. Is it just because we always come to pubs?"

"I don't know. It is a bit odd. Maybe they reminded me of you."

"What?"

"I mean when I was there in New York, they reminded me of you so now I'm back, maybe you remind me of them. Maybe?"

"How on earth did they ever remind you of me?" Nikki laughed. "An Elvis impersonating doorman and his lawyer lover?"

"They were good friends to me," Harry thought quickly thought of all the things that they used to laugh at together. "They used to make me work hard. They enjoyed telling me when I was wrong. They often used to make fun of me, call me names and they weren't averse to giving me the odd punch on the arm. There are lots of similarities." Harry hoped that Nikki wouldn't take his comment about the punch on the arm to refer to the other punches she'd let fly at him. He was hoping they had moved on from that.

Nikki rolled her eyes, "I used to tell you when you were wrong!" she said in mock surprise and with deep sarcasm.

Harry continued despite her interruption.

"They looked out for me, took care of me, rang me up when they knew I was down, when I needed to be reminded about something, fed me, hugged me, watched crappy TV with me, made me feel important." Harry paused and met her gaze.

"They were good friends to me. They loved me."

Nikki had looked back down to her drink.

"It's not like that between us now though is it?" she said sadly.

Harry shook his head, his gaze on his drink.

"It wasn't totally the same," he added quietly.

"What?"

"I mean I never fancied them, they didn't look as good as you do in a dress and I never wanted to sleep with them."

"Have you heard from them?" Nikki asked to keep from dwelling on Harry's last words.

Harry nodded and took a sip of his pint. "He's making an album."

"It's incredible." Nikki smiled.

"Jorge always did like to make the impossible look easy."

"With a bit of help from me," she added. "You wouldn't have won that prize if Leo and I hadn't stumped up the entrance fee for that competition. Do you think I'm entitled to any royalties?"

Harry shook his head.

"Guess what I found this week?"

"What?"

"The entire set of Ben Stein books!"

"All six of them?"

"Yep, two of them are signed by the author. The first one is probably mine, didn't we both read it?"

"Yes, it was great, I couldn't put it down. I didn't think Leo enjoyed thrillers though."

"I must have leant him one, it looks like my old copy. The corners of some of the pages were turned over so I know you must have read it, I still don't know why you can't use a book mark like civilised people."

"I haven't read the last two."

"Why not, I thought you loved them?"

"I did."

"And?"

"Well after you'd gone…" Nikki stopped short.

"It's alright Nikki, I know why you didn't read them."

"I think he went off a bit in book four, isn't that the one where Vann escapes from Havana?"

"I think you're right, and just happens to find a helicopter he can steal and fly."

"It's coming back to me now."

"You can have them if you like, I haven't read book six, it's the last one ever. Do you think he'll kill Vann off?"

"Depends how rich Ben Stein wants to be," Nikki answered. "Didn't I hear they were making the first one into a film?"

"They'd better not cast Bruce Willis, or Tom Cruise as Vann Knight, it just wouldn't be right."

"I think he's writing non-fiction now, something really peculiar, I can't think what it is now, but it will come back to me…" Nikki twizzled a beer mat, closed her eyes and screwed up her nose as she tried to remember.

"Something about the war, I think…"

"But that's not a million miles away from the Vann Knight series."

"The Holocaust! He's writing a survivor's account of the Holocaust." Nikki said triumphantly, pleased to have accessed the memory.

"That might be different to his old stuff."

Their conversation was cut short by the arrival of their food.

"Don't complain that there are no crisps or a pickle/gherkin whatever," she hissed at him as his burger was put in front of him.

It was a burger, but the kitchen had tried to jazz it up with 'artisan' bread. It was just a posh name for a really crusty roll, which made it was almost impossible to bite through. Maybe he should have ordered the fish and chips. "No complaints from me," he lied.

##

"What's wrong?" asked Nikki as they walked back along the road.

"What's right?" Harry asked cynically.

"I don't know how to make it better." Nikki replied.

They walked on in silence for a while.

"You have to start trusting me again," Harry said.

"I do trust you Harry, I've always trusted you."

"But I let you down so many times, disappointed you, left you when you needed me…"

"Nobody's perfect. Most of the times you were there when I needed you most." The exception to this although unstated hung in the air between them like a bad smell, tainting everything around it.

"I'm tired of just being pleasant with you, I want my friend back the one I can talk to about how I really feel, not just have flashes of honestly when we scream at each other. I don't want to feel like I'm forever talking through the intercom on the closed security door, I want to be let in."

"I thought I was trying, I thought it was getting better."

They walked on in silence but neither of them noticed the gardens they passed, the summer flowers or the rapidly browning grass.

"You have to forgive me," Harry declared after another hundred yards or so.

"Forgive you?"

"I've apologised a million times, I have tried to make amends. I've taken a beating for it. I have tried to show you how serious I am, how much I want to be with you, how I am still in love with you. But I'm not getting anywhere Nikki, because you are holding your hurt in front of you like a massive shield and anything I do or say just gets deflected away from you." He could feel his grumpiness turning to anger. He didn't want another fight with her, but fighting did break through their artificial politeness.

"I don't know how to." Nikki admitted.

"Why was it so important to you that I was there?" Harry asked. Finally realising he had found the key question. That one question that meant the rest of the disparate parts of the puzzle would fall into place.

"It was Leo's funeral Harry; of course you should have been there!"

"Why?" he goaded.

"Because!"

"Why Nikki?"

"Why? Because I thought he was your friend, I thought you cared about him. I thought I was your friend…"

"Nikki what would you have done differently if I had been there?" He left her to ponder his question. They had passed her house minutes before, but both just continued walking.

"So I might have sat next to you in church?" Harry suggested. "You were still going to give the eulogy on your own. If I had been there, it would have just shown everyone that I was the prodigal son, the one that had left and you were the dutiful one who'd stayed behind and always did what you were told. Is that what you needed? Someone sat next to you to make you look good? Jack wasn't enough of a reprobate?"

"Harry that's not it…" she asserted but thinking carefully as to what would have been different she was beginning to follow Harry's train of thought.

"You know why I didn't come back?" Harry continued not expecting the stock answers returned to him that he had trotted out in the months since. "Besides not being able to take the time off, the trouble at work, the trouble with Candy and the prohibitive expense of the flights. I was frightened Nikki."

"Frightened?"

"I was frightened that if I came back and you still didn't talk to me, that you ignored me then I would know for sure that it was over between us and I would have lost two people I loved that day and not just the one. I couldn't cope with you ending things finally between us, until that point I had the hope that our distance was purely a physical problem, but if I went back and you pushed me away again, I would know that all had been lost."

"Harry?" she said quietly.

"And then there was frightening option two, I went back and in some frenzy of grief, jet lag and emotional exhaustion that we would push things too far between us. I'm not suggesting a quick shag in the graveyard, but Nikki you know how close we were that weekend in New York. If we'd gone out for a drink or had one too many at the wake, I know I wouldn't have the strength to say 'no,' and then I'd be stuck back in New York, possibly with you not talking to me and my heart irreparably broken and feeling like a monster. Can't you understand why I couldn't come back? I had everything to lose."

"But by not coming back, you still lost."

"Please don't say that Nikki." He stopped and ran his hand up her arm. "Please. I was a coward, but I'm here now. Please forgive me. Please try."

He saw a tear roll down her cheek but saw her nod her head.

"Do you know what Leo said to me, before you went to Afghanistan?"

"No?"

"Don't come back for me, come back for her."

"I'm sure he always did think we should be together." She replied with a sigh, another tear tracking down her face.

"I couldn't find a way to get back for him. He'd told me not to; he told me he'd be dead and that he wouldn't know the difference. I'm sorry I wasn't there at the time Nikki. But I'm here now. Please believe me. I am really sorry."

"I know you are Harry. You've never been a liar. I'm sorry too. I just haven't been able to see clearly recently.

For the first time since Harry's return, she reached out to him, tucked her hands behind his head and pulled his head down to plant a kiss on his forehead. "I will try and forgive you Harry, I'm sorry too. I probably would have done the same if it were me."

Harry let out a great shuddering sigh, the weight that had been crushing him suddenly lifting.

"Thank you." He whispered against her cheek. "Thank you." And instead of pulling away, he felt her pull him closer.