AN: Snowy weekend = more updates!


hold on to the memories / they will hold on to you / and I will hold on to you


Sonny stood in front of the spare room, door closed, his hand on the knob. "Okay. Y'ready?"

Amanda yawned; she was always tired now. She nodded. "I'm ready."

He swung open the door dramatically. "Ta-da."

She peered inside: the little room was decorated in all cool grays and clean whites, with the crib at the center. A big, overstuffed chair sat in one corner and a dresser and changing table lined the opposite wall. All of the small details Amanda had collected over the past few months were included: the sheer curtains were draped over the window and the polka dotted linens were on the crib's mattress. The Guess How Much I Love You illustrations she had found at a Staten Island antique store were framed and hung, three jumping, happy bunnies situated in a row. Simple white shelves were affixed by the door, lined with colorful new books as well as the ones Jesse and Luca had outgrown.

"Oh, Sonny," she breathed, pressing a palm to her chest. "It's so nice. It's all neat and clean... and nice."

He crossed his arms loosely over his chest as he surveyed his work proudly. "I figured you were gonna rearrange it all once you're allowed to move stuff, but this is okay for now, isn't it?"

"It's perfect." The words caught in Amanda's throat. Tears stung her eyes as she remembered struggling to assemble Jesse's crib, very much alone as she squeezed it into the tiny space in her Long Island City apartment. She thought of Luca's, too, how it awkwardly sat in their old living room along with the majority of his books and toys. Now she was here, in a house she never thought she would own, having her third child with a man she never thought she would be worthy of.

Sonny set a hand on her lower back. "Don't cry, 'Manda," he chuckled.

"I'm not! I'm not," Amanda insisted hurriedly, clearing her throat. She hated how hormones made her a blubbering mess. "I'm just... it looks great." She turned and reached up to cup the side of his face with her hand. Standing on her toes, she kissed him softly. "Thank you."


She tossed and turned in the dark. How could a bed that had cost she and Sonny so much money be so damn uncomfortable? It didn't matter if Amanda was on her back or on her side - within seconds of changing positions, her hips ached or her back tweaked or she swore she could feel an annoying bit of rumpled sheet beneath her knee.

"Rollins, you're killin' me," Sonny groaned from his spot beside her. She hadn't realized he was still awake, but it was unsurprising given how much she was flailing.

"You try sleeping with a bowling ball inside of you!" Amanda hissed without even a hint of sympathy.

She felt him roll over, then put a warm hand on her hip. "Well... now that we're both awake..." he began suggestively.

"Do not touch me," she growled. "Do not ever touch me again."

His palm lifted immediately. "Got it."

"I want this baby outta me," Amanda moaned, flopping onto her back. Immediately it felt like her lungs were being squished, so she struggled to sit up and prop herself against a stack of smushed pillows.

"I know," Sonny yawned.

"I can't wait three more weeks," she insisted melodramatically.

"I don't think that's up to you." He rolled over onto his stomach, his cheek against his pillow as he studied her profile in the dark. "How can I help?"

"Stop looking so comfortable," she grumbled.

He sighed. "Why don't you go watch TV or somethin'?"

Offended, her mouth fell open. "You're just trying to get rid of me."

"No," he told her. "It'll put you to sleep. And you can put your feet up."

As much as she hated to admit it, Sonny had a point. Making a show of getting out of bed, she mumbled, "fine."

"And take this damn cat with you, would ya?" he added, motioning to Fluffy, who was curled up close by his head.

Amanda rolled her eyes but padded over to Sonny's side of the bed. Gently, she plucked Fluffy from his spot. He mewed in protest but didn't put up a fight; over time it had become clear that Amanda was his favorite human, probably because she was the one who had fought for his place in their household. She carried the animal down to the living room, where she flipped on a light and dropped heavily down onto the couch. The television options at two in the morning were slim, but she eventually settled on an old AMC movie. It took her a little while, but she was finally able to curl up on her side and close her eyes. Fluffy purred rhythmically by her stomach.

At four a.m., she was woken up gradually by a distinct tightening in her stomach. She groaned and wriggled around against the cushions, annoyed that her rest was being interrupted. It was only when she felt a warm wetness trickle down her thighs that her eyes flew open, suddenly aware of what was actually happening. "Shit," she breathed, pulling herself up to a sitting position. Jostled, Fluffy leapt from the couch and ran to his food dish.

Back upstairs, she hovered over Sonny and nudged his arm. "Sonny? Sonny, get up."

"C'mon, 'Manda," he groaned, barely awake but obviously annoyed. "I know you can't sleep but-"

"I'm leaking," she interrupted matter-of-factly.

"Ew," he yawned, burrowing deeper beneath the covers.

She shoved his shoulder with all of her force - which was a surprising amount, given her condition. "My water broke."

Startled, Sonny failed under the sheets in his effort to sit up. "Huh? Are you sure?" he demanded, wide-eyed. "You aren't due for three weeks."

Amanda eyed him with exasperation. While she typically liked Sonny's commitment to gathering all of the facts, what was happening inside of her pregnant body was not his area of expertise. "Of course I'm sure!" she assured him. "Call your mother."


"Oh my fucking God, I am never doing this again," Amanda moaned into the starched hospital pillow. Laying on her side, one arm was bent beneath her head, the other hand gripped the guard rail of the bed with all of her strength. With her eyes screwed shut, she could feel Sonny's strong palm at the small of her back in an attempt to soothe the crushing pressure of labor. While it had been helpful three hours ago, now it was futile.

As the minute-long contraction subsided, she gingerly uncurled her fingers from the rail but didn't let go completely. She was hot and sweaty, a perpetual lump occupying her throat that threatened to have her vomiting at any moment. Slowly, she peeled her eyelids open to blink her room into focus. Sonny was sitting at the edge of her bed, as close to her as possible, but nobody else was there besides a nurse fussing with supplies at a cabinet. Amanda was relieved; she didn't need an audience. "Your mother and sisters," she croaked breathlessly. "They can't come in here. I love them but... but... they are gonna talk and talk... I can't..."

"Nobody's gonna come in," Sonny assured her gently. "Audrey's at home and brought Jesse to school. My parents have Luca and they're gonna head over in a bit. I told Liv and Fin to hold off for awhile."

Amanda nodded, appreciative of his calm nature and the way he was trying to placate the anxiety he knew lurked beneath her pain.

"Y'want some ice chips?" he offered.

She sealed her eyes closed again, bracing herself for a new onslaught of contractions. "Do I look like I want ice chips?" she replied through gritted teeth.

"Well, I mean, does anybody really want ice chips?" Sonny went on lightly. "Of all the things to have-"

"Shut up, Sonny!" she begged. Hot tears sprung to her eyes, but not necessarily because of Sonny's incessant need to offer color commentary; she was just intensely uncomfortable.

"Okay, okay. No ice chips," he concluded nervously. "Y'want me to leave?"

She shook her head furiously, released the bed rail and gripped his knee. "No. Don't you dare."

He nodded, his palm resuming its slow circles against her back. For a few minutes, the only sounds were the beeping of the machines Amanda was attached to and her occasional, breathless declarations of pain.

"Hey, remember that time we were chasin' the Riverside rapist down West 96th?" Sonny said suddenly.

Amanda quirked an eyebrow, momentarily distracted by the memory. "Yeah," she mumbled. She shifted gingerly in her spot and grimaced. "That son of a bitch was fast."

"And we lost him right at the corner of Broadway. Or we thought we did, but he was crazy enough to jump out at you from behind this giant dumpster... and you turned around kneed him right in the balls," he recalled gleefully. "He dropped to the ground like a sack of potatoes. A grown man, rollin' around, cryin' for his mother..."

Despite her discomfort, a grin tugged at Amanda's mouth. She distinctly remembered the look on the scumbag's face: a combination of sheer shock and pain as he collapsed onto the sidewalk. She had proudly cuffed him while he writhed. "That was pretty satisfying."

"Yeah. You were a real badass." He gave her hip a reassuring squeeze. "Still are."


Ten hours of labor had made her nearly delirious; she hadn't expected it to go on for so long. Jesse's birth had been a frightening blur, but Luca's had progressed rapidly. Foolishly, Amanda had assumed that her third child would be the easiest of them all. Instead, it had proven to be the most challenging. Sonny had stayed true to his word and kept everybody at bay for ten hours, probably partly motivated by embarrassment, because eventually Amanda was nothing less than wild-eyed and screaming. She had really and truly tried to keep her composure for as long as possible, but she reached a point where she was so exhausted and miserable that her reputation at Bellevue Hospital was no longer a concern for her.

It was all worth it when Dr. Miller finally exclaimed, "it's a girl!"

Six pounds, eight ounces with a button nose and full head of light brown hair, Ruby Isabella Carisi finally entered the world at 2:03 in the afternoon. Sweaty and tremulous, Amanda burst into tears as Sonny counted the baby's fingers and toes excitedly over the nurses' shoulders while they worked to clean her off and administer the standard tests. "She's beautiful, Amanda," Sonny had called to her. "She's perfect."

A half hour later, Amanda was in pain but it was all irrelevant with Ruby swaddled in her arms. Sitting close by her at the edge of the bed, Sonny had one of his big fingers trapped by the instinctive, tiny grip of the infant. His gaze lifted from the newborn to Amanda's eyes. Grinning, he leaned in and kissed her. "You did such a good job," he murmured approvingly.

She smiled at him weakly. She was so tired, but even her exhaustion couldn't distract from this moment. "I tried."

His thumb grazed over Ruby's small knuckles as he studied Amanda's face. His brows knitted together. "You feelin' okay? You look kinda pale."

"It might have something to do with pushing a human outta my body for ten hours," she joked. She kissed him again before mumbling playfully, "don't worry, you can't catch it."

Sonny smirked sheepishly as he glanced back down at the baby. "She looks like you," he observed. "She has your mouth."

"What color do you think her eyes will be?" Amanda wondered.

"Blue, 'cause we both have them," he answered. "It's the law of genetics. Although I did read an article about blue-eyed people carryin' the gene for passin' on brown eyes..."

She smiled again. It would have never occurred to her to research such a thing, but as always, Sonny was an avid learner. "Why don't you go get something to eat and talk to everybody?" she suggested. "Your parents are gonna lose their minds if they don't hear something soon, plus they've been wrangling Luca this whole time."

"I am hungry..." he admitted - unsurprisingly. He used gentle fingers to brush damp hair away from her face. "Y'sure you're okay?"

"I am," she promised him.

"Alright, I'll be back soon." He gave her another kiss before freeing his fingers from Ruby's and getting to his feet to walk away.

"Love you, Carisi," she called to him with a coy grin before he disappeared.

Sonny poked his head back around the curtain, wearing the familiar smile that crinkled the corners of his eyes. "Love ya, Rollins."

Alone, Amanda peered down at the sleeping infant in her arms. It was warm in her hospital room; her skin felt flushed and sticky. The heat was making it hard to keep her eyes open. Every few minutes, her eyelids drooped and everything went fuzzy before she eventually jerked back awake just in time to avoid letting go of Ruby. The forth time it happened, she dug the heel of one of her hands into an eye and shook her head, trying to keep herself alert. It was then that she noticed a nurse watching her, which made Amanda even hotter with embarrassment.

"Here, why don't I take her for a bit?" the nurse suggested.

"I just can't stay awake," Amanda chuckled. Gently, she passed the newborn over. "I probably shouldn't be holdin' her half-asleep, huh?"

The nurse offered her a small smile. "I'll be back in a minute," she assured her.

Amanda's head lolled back onto her pillow. Another wave of warmth overtook her and she succumbed to it, her eyes shutting. When she blinked them open again, a female face slid into view and a hand squeezed her arm.

"Amanda. Stay with me," the woman - a nurse - implored. "Amanda?"

"I'm just... I'm tired," Amanda insisted, confused by the hint of anxiety in the nurse's voice. Her abdomen ached, searing hot and throbbing, but she kept drifting off even despite the pain. Why wouldn't anybody just let her get some sleep? She had just been in labor for over ten hours...

"You're not. You're passing out," the nurse explained. "We think you're bleeding internally, okay? The doctor is on his way."

More nurses appeared in what felt like a mere instant, but it was getting hard for Amanda to keep track of the time. The team began to quickly pile blankets onto her body. Amanda wanted to ask questions, but she was so hot and dizzy and weak, all she could do was writhe beneath the heating device and layers in protest. Sweat rolled down her face as she moaned, "God, please, get all of it off me. It's so damn hot. I'm so hot."

"No, Amanda. Your skin is ice cold," another nurse by her head insisted. "Your blood pressure is really, really low..."

Darkness swallowed her again, but when she blinked the room back into view, she was surrounded by even more medical staff. She could feel them touching her, prodding her, all of them wearing serious expressions and talking in urgent tones. It was difficult to understand what they were saying - processing their words felt like trying to cup water in her open palms, it all slipped away too quickly. When the strange doctor pushed the blankets aside and pressed down on her abdomen, Amanda let out a yelp of pain; it felt like someone was ripping her internal organs to shreds. Even when he pulled away, the horrible sensation remained.

Out of the corner of her blurry gaze, she saw Sonny reappear. The color had drained from his face as he took in the scene. She fought to keep her eyes open, wanting desperately to see him.

"What the hell is goin' on?" he demanded. He sounded angry, but Amanda knew he was only scared.

"You can't be in here," a nurse replied sternly. She put her body between Sonny and the rest of the room, handing Ruby back to him in the process, and coaxed him backward beyond the partition. "You don't want to see this."

After much protest, the three of them disappeared. Ruby was crying; Amanda could hear Sonny trying to soothe her. They were only behind a curtain but it felt so far away. She wanted to call for him, to beg for the nurses to let him hold her hand, but she was in agony now and what little energy she possessed was being siphoned out of her by the second.

"We've got to bring her into surgery," the obstetrician on-call concluded from the end of her mattress. "Now."

The sharp sound of the railings being pulled back into place on either side of her echoed in Amanda's head. The bed jostled as a nurse expertly kicked the gurney wheel brakes, swiftly releasing them.

I'm going to die, Amanda realized with a strange kind of certainty. I'll be nobody to Ruby. Luca is barely two years old, he isn't even going to remember me. Jesse will need me and I won't be there. Sonny is going to have to take care of three kids all alone. Please, God, I hope he forgives me. Help him forgive me.