though I falter / you got me walking on water
"See here? That number is great, but next to it..." a male voice said.
"It goes back down again," Amanda heard Sonny reply. "Why?"
"The dehydration we're treating with IV fluids could strain her kidneys, or the trauma of both childbirth and surgery... all of it reduces red blood cell count."
"So what do we do now?"
Amanda opened one eye to see the physician, Dr. Moore, and Sonny huddled together over a piece of paper - obviously discussing what was going on with her. She had been napping, but she didn't sleep very deeply lately, not with people poking and prodding at her all the time. "Hey," she called to the two men irritably. "I'm not brain dead."
Looking up, Dr. Moore offered her a surprised but sheepish smile. "I was just explaining to your husband possible reasons for your fluctuating hemoglobin. We need it to be steady."
She struggled to sit up straighter, even if the quick change in position made her woozy. She was tired of people talking about her like she wasn't lucid - she may have been sick, but as time passed, she was mustering more and more of her self-determination. "I've been here for three days, I'm getting blood all the time..."
"The life span of the red blood cells we're giving you may not be too long. We can't tell," the doctor went on. "My hope is in a few more days, everything will even out."
"A few more days?" Amanda repeated, mouth agape.
"I know it's not ideal..." Dr. Moore replied grimly.
"Can I please see my kids?" she pleaded. "I can't... I can't stay here any longer and not see them."
Sonny grimaced. "No offense, Amanda, but-"
"Don't start a sentence that way," Amanda snapped. It was one of her biggest pet peeves.
"You don't look so great," he continued, as if she needed a reminder. "You really want the kids seein' you now?"
"Well, I don't feel so great but I'm not gettin' any better without them," she retorted, although she sounded more sad than angry. She looked at the physician with wide, hopeful eyes. "They're really well-behaved. I mean, Luca is kind of... well, he's a little boy, so... but he'll be good."
After a moment of thought, the doctor sighed, "alright, alright. They can come by for a few hours."
"Mama!"
Jesse's voice was clear as a bell as she galloped into Amanda's hospital room. A grin spread wide across Amanda's face and tears sprung to her eyes at the sight of her daughter, although she was determined not to cry. Jesse was still bundled in her purple puffy winter coat and pink hat as she climbed onto Amanda's bed; she wasn't going to wait for an invitation. She flung herself into Amanda's side, oblivious to any of the wires and tubing her mother was attached to, and wrapped her little arms around her in a hug.
"Hey, baby. Oh, I'm so happy to see you," Amanda said brightly, although there was a quiver of emotion in her voice. She kissed the top of her head and squeezed her with all of the strength she possessed. She smelled like her fruity shampoo and home.
Next, Sonny appeared carrying Luca. The two-year-old strained to get out of his arms, wriggling around excitedly until his father set him carefully onto Amanda's bed. "Hi, mama," Luca greeted her, his chubby face pink from the bitter winter air.
"Hi, Lu. I'm so glad to see you," she told him, offering him a big smile. With her free arm, she pulled him close to her side. He planted a sloppy kiss on her cheek.
Jesse started wiggling out of her jacket. "What's wrong with you? Do you feel better?"
"I feel better," Amanda replied carefully. She had been adamant about shielding both children from the details of her situation, even though Jesse was definitely smart enough to figure out that something was amiss.
"Are you coming home?" her daughter wondered.
"Not yet."
"When?"
"Soon. How's grandma?"
"Fine." Distracted by Ruby in her bassinet by the other side of Amanda's bed, Jesse asked, "can I hold the baby?"
"Sure you can," Sonny agreed. "Remember, you gotta hold her head up. She can't do that yet." Leaning over, he pulled the sleeping baby from the bassinet before he gently passed the infant to Jesse. He arranged her arms to hold the bundle properly.
Amanda looked down at her two daughters and smiled. She kept her own arm around Jesse, steadying her. For the first time since she was admitted into the hospital, she felt relaxed. Even though there were IVs hanging from her arms and machines keeping track of everything happening inside of her body, it felt so much less terrifying with all of the people she loved close by. They were the living and breathing reasons why she had to get better.
"Baby," Luca observed.
"That's right," Amanda nodded. She smoothed out his massive amount of unruly blonde hair, which greatly resembled his father's.
Jesse prodded Ruby's cheek. "She's soft."
"Me! Me see!" Luca demanded, beginning to crawl over Amanda's lap.
Jesse moved Ruby from his reach. "No, she's mine."
Afraid of a two-year-old tantrum getting both children kicked out, Amanda set a hand on Luca's back and told him, "here, Luca. Come closer. Jesse'll let you see. Won't you, Jess?"
Begrudgingly, Jesse tipped her arms forward so her brother could see Ruby. Luca reached a hand out to touch her.
"Gentle," Sonny reminded him, hovering close.
Luca stole glances at his father, waiting for approval as his fingers cautiously grazed his new sister's face. "Baby."
"Ruby," Amanda told Luca.
The little boy's face screwed up in concentration, like he was really working hard to repeat what his mother had just said. "Ruby," he chirped, proudly looking between his parents for an indication that he was correct.
A two-hour visit together felt like ten minutes to Amanda. She found herself disappointed as Jesse began to pull on her coat so Sonny could drive them back to Beth Anne in Queens. When he held out Luca's jacket for the two-year-old to take, his face scrunched up aversion. He pressed his back against the bed and dug his heels into the mattress in protest.
"C'mon, buddy. It's time to go," Sonny sighed.
Luca shook his head. "No."
"Yeah, we gotta." He took a step closer. "Grandma's waitin' for you. She's makin' dinner."
"No! I stay here!" Luca shouted, flinging his little body dramatically into Amanda's side.
Amanda frowned, her stomach twisting with guilt and sadness. She wanted so badly to leave with them all and for a split-second, she contemplated demanding to be discharged. She didn't, though, because she had a feeling that kind of impulsivity would not serve her body well. She ran a reassuring hand down Luca's back and peered down at his face. He was pouting against her chest, half-hiding from his father, his eyelashes dark with tears.
"We can't stay here, pal," Sonny insisted gently.
Luca shook his head furiously.
She tilted her head to try to look Luca in the eye. "C'mon. No crying," Amanda urged him. She offered him the biggest grin she could manage. "You takin' good care of Frannie for me?"
He nodded and sniffled. "Uh huh."
She quirked an eyebrow and asked him playfully, "when I come home, are all the treats gonna be gone?"
An impish smile flickered across Luca's boyish features. "No..."
"Reeeally?" she sing-songed before tickling his stomach and beneath an arm.
"No!" he shrieked with laughter, limbs flailing at her touch.
Amanda wrapped her arms around his squirming body and kissed his blonde head. "Uh huh," she murmured. "Gimme a kiss and be a good boy."
Luca obediently lifted his head, wiped his nose with the back of his hand and pecked her on the lips.
"Atta boy," Sonny told him approvingly before beginning to help Luca put on his coat.
"Mama, I'm gonna wait to do my Valentine's day cards for my class till you come home, okay?" Jesse said from the side of her bed.
She smiled. "You don't want dad to help you?"
Jesse scrunched her nose up and shook her head. "No, he has ugly writing."
"Hey..." Sonny frowned, offended.
"You'll be back in time, won't you?" her daughter asked, looking worried.
Amanda took Jesse's chin between her fingers and promised, "you bet."
"What's a ten letter word that means 'bad manners?'" Sonny asked, peering up from the Ledger from the armchair next to Amanda's bed.
Amanda looked up from her phone; she was deeply involved in a game of Solitaire. "Hmm. 'Disrespect?'"
He scribbled in the answer, the paper resting on his knee. "Good one."
"You're losing your touch," she murmured, eyes back on her virtual cards.
"I'm tired," Sonny retorted.
She sighed. "I told you to go home and get some rest."
"I know, and I've told you that I'd rather be here," he insisted.
Truthfully, Amanda didn't want him to leave. The hours she had spent alone in the hospital had been uncomfortable and scary; Sonny was familiarity and safety. It wasn't necessarily fair: even though her mother was with Jesse and Luca, they wanted Sonny, too. She hoped that another night without either of them at bedtime wouldn't traumatize them too severely.
There was a knock at the door of her room before Dr. Moore appeared, prompting both Amanda and Sonny to look up.
"Hey, doc. How are ya?" Sonny greeted the physician casually.
"Hey, guys. Not too bad... Amanda, how are you feeling?" Dr. Moore asked.
Amanda shrugged. "Alright. The itching has stopped and my hands aren't so swollen. I'm not as weak. My head is still kinda fuzzy."
Dr. Moore nodded as he took a seat by the bed. "Well, I have good news and I have not-so-good news."
"Okay..." Amanda glanced over at Sonny. "What's the good news?"
"Your lab work has improved. Assuming nothing changes, you can go home tomorrow," the doctor explained.
"Oh, thank God," she breathed, relaxing back into her pillow with obvious relief. "What else?"
"You probably saw this coming, but, fertility is negatively impacted by postpartum hemorrhaging. Your case was - is - very serious." Dr. Moore looked at Amanda, then Sonny, then back at Amanda again. "It's likely that you'll have trouble conceiving in the future, and if you do conceive, it will be a high-risk pregnancy."
She had anticipated the doctor's speech before he came to give it, but it still stung to hear out loud. "Yeah, I understand," Amanda responded stoically.
"S'long as Amanda and Ruby are healthy, that's all that matters to me," Sonny said.
"I'm not a fertility specialist, but I can always refer to you one. I just like to be transparent about these things," Dr. Moore continued. He offered her a wan smile. "I'm guessing you'd like to be out of here as soon as possible. I'll have your discharge paperwork ready for first thing in the morning."
Being in her own bed was wonderful, but she wasn't doing a lot of sleeping with a newborn just a few feet away. She and Sonny barely stole an hour or two of rest before they were eventually awoken by Ruby's cries. Amanda still savored the brief quiet, buried deep beneath clean sheets with Sonny's arm slung over her hip, blissfully unattached to medicated solutions or somebody else's blood. Five days in the hospital had addressed her sudden medical issue, but she was still enduring the aftermath of giving birth. The doctor had explained that her loss of blood would exacerbate all of the usual postpartum symptoms, but as long as Amanda could experience them at home, she didn't care. She would gladly be sore, sweaty and irritable in Queens.
Ruby fussed before she let out a full wail. Amanda's eyelashes fluttered at the sound. "Mm, Sonny," she murmured into her pillow. "Can you go..."
She felt Sonny roll away from her, the mattress shifting as he untangled himself from the sheets. "Yeah, I'm up," he grumbled. "I'm goin'."
Because she was prescribed various medications, Amanda wasn't allowed to breastfeed. She found it somewhat disappointing, but after the ordeal she had just been through, she wasn't going to defy the doctor's orders. In a way, it was a blessing, because at least now Sonny could get up and make a bottle just as well as she could. She heard him shuffle out into the hallway, then she gingerly sat up and flipped on her bedside light. Frannie was laying on the floor of their room, watching her lazily. When Jesse used to cry as a baby, the dog would run around frantically in response. At this point, she couldn't be bothered.
Amanda padded over to Ruby, who was red-faced and squirming in her bassinet, her hands dislodged from her swaddle. "Alright, alright. Your snack's coming," Amanda assured the infant, reaching in to pick her up and hold her close. Her lips grazed the infant's head, encountering the soft brown hair there. Her little body was trembling with the force of her cries. Amanda wandered around the room slowly as Ruby shrieked in her ear. "Shh, shh..." She winced. "Girl, you are loud."
Sonny reappeared moments later, shaking up a bottle. He thrust it toward Amanda before flopping back onto the bed, face first as he bounced against the mattress. She navigated the nipple into Ruby's eager mouth before asking Sonny, "what do you think you're doing?"
"Sleeping," he rumbled into the pillow.
"I don't think so," she laughed crassly. "I'm not gonna be the only one tortured."
With a dramatic sigh, he rolled over onto his back. He looked sort of pathetic, all rumpled and disheveled. "I'm tired."
"Poor thing," she simpered sarcastically. A smirk took over her features. "Giving birth is so - oh, wait, that wasn't you."
He rolled his eyes.
"D'you love me?" she asked sweetly.
Sonny smirked. "Do I have a choice?"
Amanda scowled.
"That was a joke," he chuckled. "'Course I love you."
"You should know better than to joke with me for the next... six weeks, approximately," she mumbled. She looked down at Ruby, who was draining her bottle with enthusiasm, her blue eyes focused intently on her mother's face. Amanda's heart swelled with love for her daughter - and with gratitude that she had been the one to fall ill, not Ruby. She would have endured a million hospital stays if it meant she could spare any of her kids any kind of suffering.
"I got ya something," Sonny yawned after a few moments of blessed silence.
Amanda looked up and quirked an eyebrow. "Huh?"
"I got you something," he repeated, sitting up.
"What is it?" she asked curiously.
His long arm reached over to the drawer of his bedside table. "I was gonna give it to you when Ruby was born, but, well... y'know," he explained. Sitting back up again, he brandished a small navy box, held it out to her and offered, "I'll trade ya."
Curious, she carefully passed over Ruby and her bottle to Sonny and took the gift from him. Eyes on Sonny, Amanda cracked open the box, then dropped her gaze to look at the contents. Inside sat a delicate ring consisting of a thin yellow gold band and three small, round diamonds in a row. Amanda's eyes widened in complete surprise; she had not been expecting jewelry at four-thirty in the morning. "Sonny," she exclaimed breathlessly. "What..."
"Three diamonds for three kids," Sonny explained with a lopsided grin.
She met his eyes and frowned, but not because she was sad. She was overwhelmed - by Sonny's thoughtfulness, by how consistently he was committed to making sure she knew that she was loved and appreciated. "It's beautiful," she told him huskily. If she hadn't been overly emotional before, she definitely was now. "I love it."
Sonny continued to smile at her. "I'm glad."
Amanda pulled the ring from its confines, set the box on the bed and slid it into place right above her engagement ring. Thankfully, the swelling in her fingers had gone down significantly. She held out her hand and admired the dainty stack of jewelry proudly, then used that palm to cup the side of Sonny's face as she kissed him. "Thank you. I love you," she whispered. "I'll never take it off."
"It looks great," he murmured against her lips.
She sunk down onto the edge of the bed next to Sonny. Pressing in close to his side, she squeezed his bicep gently. "Thank you for everything, for the past week. I know it wasn't easy." She set her chin atop his shoulder and fiddled with the blanket around Ruby. "We're all so lucky to have you."
"Nah." He shook his head and glanced over at her almost bashfully. Carefully, he pulled the empty bottle from Ruby's mouth and set it aside. He grabbed a burp cloth that had gotten tangled up in their sheets and slung it over his shoulder, then maneuvered the baby to rest upright against it. "Honestly, it was just... the scariest part was leavin' you for twenty minutes and comin' back to see all those people freaking out around you..."
Amanda nodded. Bits and pieces of the memory lingered, but she had actively tried to suppress the details. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Ruby spit up all over Sonny's shoulder and grimaced. She got up and grabbed a fresh cloth from underneath her bassinet before returning to Sonny's side to help clean the baby up. "I'm just glad it's over," Amanda concluded quietly, wiping off Ruby's face gently. "I never could have imagined that anything like that could happen to me."
Sonny adjusted the baby against his shoulder to accommodate Amanda as she swapped out the cloths. "The past year's been..."
"Yeah." She didn't need him to finish his sentence. She knew what he was implying: there wasn't just one word to adequately to describe the past thirteen months, but at least they had made it through together.
