AN: Hi, friends! I'm back from vacation so here is some domestic bliss. As always, let me know if there's any scenario in particular you'd like me to write for the new year!


got your back if you got mine / one foot in front of the other


Luca's hand clung to his mother's fingers as they walked down East 47th street. Amanda pushed the stroller containing almost-two-month-old Ruby, who was bundled up in a cream-colored fleece coverall. It was a sunny but brisk Tuesday afternoon in early March and Amanda had needed to get out of the house. With Luca not quite in preschool, his energy was boundless and exhausting in combination with having to care for a newborn. A trip on the subway fascinated him well enough, although it did nothing to quell his incessant babbling, which Amanda was convinced could be attributed to his Carisi genes. Once they were downtown, she kept a tight grip on his small hand as they traveled down the familiar sidewalk, paranoid as ever. He narrated their journey to the 16th precinct with his observations of firetruck! Doggy! It's cold! up until the moment they were inside.

Alone in the elevator, the shiny silver doors slid shut. "You wanna press the button?" Amanda offered Luca.

The little boy nodded. "Yes."

She pointed to the '3.' "This one."

Luca jabbed the button with enthusiasm.

"Remember what I said before?" Amanda asked him as she pulled off her hat and put away her sunglasses. "No running around like wild man here, okay? Hands to yourself."

"Okay..." he agreed sweetly.

When the elevator stopped and the doors opened, Luca launched himself into the busy squad room, yelling, "dad!"

A few heads swiveled around at the sound of the child's voice and his scampering as he tried to locate his father among the desks. As she navigated the stroller further into the precinct, Amanda cringed and mouthed a sorry to the familiar faces that were quirking eyebrows.

Obviously surprised, Sonny got up from his desk and intercepted Luca, picking him up to give him an enthusiastic hug. "Hey, buddy! How'd you get here?" he exclaimed.

"Mama train," Luca explained. Almost immediately distracted, he strained his little body downward, reaching for the pens in the cup on Sonny's desk. "Have this?"

"No, I need those," Sonny told him gently, shifting his body back upright again. He grinned at Amanda as she approached his desk and leaned over the stroller to kiss her. "I didn't know you guys were comin'."

"I couldn't stay inside for another minute," she admitted. "Luca drew all over the downstairs hallway wall in crayon and I spent an hour and a half scrubbing it off." She moved to the front of the stroller to carefully rearrange the blankets surrounding Ruby so she wouldn't get too hot now that they were inside. "I don't even know how he got the crayons. He must have scaled the kitchen counter to get them. Then once I'd cleaned everything, I asked him to pick up his trucks in the living room and he had a meltdown and hid in a corner for a half hour crying and moaning and bein' dramatic..."

"He seems fine now," Sonny observed lightly, looking between her and Luca.

Pausing as she slid Ruby's hood off of her head, Amanda glared at him wordlessly.

"'Manda, I didn't know you were stopping by," came Fin's voice from behind her.

She turned around and smiled. "I didn't know either."

"How's Miss Ruby doin'?" Fin asked as he hugged her.

"Fine," Amanda sighed, settling her hands on her hips when they separated. "She isn't the issue."

"Come to Uncle Fin before somebody puts you to work around here," Fin cooed to Ruby as he reached into the stroller to pull her from her confines. He cradled her lovingly in his arms, the baby appearing even tinier than usual against his larger frame. He looked up at Luca, who was still balanced against Sonny's hip, and held out a palm for a high-five. "What's up, little man?"

"High-five," Luca said as his palm met Fin's.

Liv appeared over Fin's shoulder. "Oh, the baby's here!" She beamed down at Ruby, then at Amanda. "Amanda, she's so beautiful. She gets cuter every time I see her."

"Spittin' image of her mother," Sonny said proudly.

Amanda smiled at the compliment, although she did not feel especially beautiful. She dug her hands into the pockets of her too-big zip-up, hiding her chewed fingernails from her lurking coworkers' gaze. She had lost a drastic amount of weight in the past two months, although not because she was trying to. Since leaving the hospital she had been anxious and uninterested in a lot of things, including food. The term 'baby blues' made her cringe, but seeing as she didn't have a lot to be sad about lately, she had no choice but to attribute her mood to postpartum depression. This time around, she felt the loneliness of being at home more intensely. Sonny went back to SVU almost immediately after Ruby's birth and absorbed all of the overtime Amanda had left in her wake. Did you know it costs $600,000 to raise three kids from birth to age 17?! he had informed her repeatedly. She was incredibly nervous, too, in a way she had never felt before. It prompted her to try to control everything, as if that would relieve some of the lingering dread she was hanging on to since her stint in the hospital. Amanda hadn't experienced many changes to her mood with her first two children, but maybe her body was especially dedicated to letting her know that this should be her last pregnancy.

"When are you comin' back?" Fin asked her.

Not soon enough, Amanda wanted to say, but as she looked between two of her sweet children, she resisted the urge. "May."

"Hey, Lieu, is it alright if we go out and grab some lunch?" Sonny asked, facial expression hopeful.

"Sure." Liv smiled between the two of them. "I'll text you if something comes up."


Amanda poked at her salad seated across from Sonny at Genuine Superette in Little Italy. Removed from her stroller, Ruby slept peacefully in her carrier set on the booth next to her. Luca was secured into a booster seat at the end of the table, smushing french fries into his napkin with intense fascination.

Sonny peered up at her from his half-eaten sandwich. "What's the matter? You love this place."

"I do, yeah," Amanda insisted before adding honestly, "I'm just not that hungry."

His brow furrowed. "You're gonna disappear on me at this rate."

"Don't want this," Luca declared suddenly, shoving his plate away.

"You loved grilled cheese," Sonny reminded him, as if the two-year-old had suddenly forgotten.

Luca shook his head. "Nuh uh."

"You have to eat something," Sonny insisted.

"No!"

"Luca-"

"Don't start with him right now, please? It's gonna go bad," Amanda pleaded wearily. "We go through this every day lately."

"We do?" Sonny looked genuinely confused.

Amanda crunched on a green pepper. "Yeah, we do."

"I guess I haven't been around for meals much lately," he admitted sheepishly.

She responded only with raised eyebrows.


"Vroooom!"

Somehow wearing only one sock, Luca raced around the living room and kitchen holding a toy airplane high, making all the appropriate sound effects as loudly as his little vocal chords would allow. Every so often he would drop to the ground and roll around, sliding along the wood floor or tile on his belly as the plane skidded out in front of him. He scrambled after it with enthusiasm before hauling himself to his feet again to make more laps around the island. Sonny appeared unaffected by the two-year-old's theatrics: he was stretched out on the couch, feet on the coffee table as he drank a beer and watched the hockey game. Next to him lay the cat he claimed to despise, fuzzy stomach exposed in hopes of getting a rub.

While Sonny was the picture of week-night relaxation, Amanda was not. She was attempting to multi-task: she had Ruby in one arm as she went to switch what felt like the millionth load of laundry from the washer to the dryer. The baby shrieked every time she put her down, so as not to add to the volume level of their home, Amanda toted her around. As she began to walk down the hallway, her bare foot encountered a Lego and she stumbled. She caught herself before she fell, but there was nothing quite like the pain of encountering one of those damn blocks - her heel immediately began to throb. Looking down, she saw an obstacle course of toys that she had begged Sonny and Luca to pick up a half hour earlier. It made her both furious and anxious all at once; lately things being out of order only added to her perpetual state of unease.

"Sonny!" she yelled.

"What?" he called back lazily.

His bored tone infuriated her, although that wasn't particularly difficult to do these days. She stalked into the living room, free hand pointing back toward the hallway. "Didn't I ask you to help Luca pick up the blocks from the hallway?"

Sonny's eyes flickered from the television to her, then back to the screen again. "Yeah... you did..."

"Well, I just stepped on a stupid fucking Lego and nearly killed myself!"

"I think you're bein' a little dramatic."

"Is it that hard? Really? Is it so much effort for you to put a handful of blocks away?"

"I was gettin' to it," he insisted after a sip of beer.

Amanda rolled her eyes. "You know what? Don't bother."

"Oh, Jesus, Amanda, come on-"

"Here." She strode over to him and plopped Ruby down into Sonny's empty lap. The baby yawned, lost her pacifier in the process and immediately began to whine. "Take your kid and make yourself useful, would you?"

"Hey, wait, I'm watchin' the game!" he moaned.

She was already scooping up the Legos and tossing them into the basket of toys in the living room, determined to ignore Sonny's complaining. She returned to the washer and dryer to switch out the clothes, hoping the task would keep her from saying something she would regret.

"I don't appreciate the insinuation that I don't do anything around here," he called to her.

Amanda shoved an armful of towels into the dryer. "Uh huh."

"It's not like I sit around eatin' bon-bons all day," Sonny went on irritably.

Amanda felt hot, angry tears sting her eyes. Of course she knew what he did all day. Of course it was important and meaningful and difficult in its own rite. None of this was really about what Sonny was or was not doing, but she hadn't figured out how to say that yet. Instead, she responded curtly, "I know this is a real challenge for you, but please stop talking."


"It just feels different this time." Amanda shrugged in the big armchair of Dr. Lindstrom's office, her eyes focused on a spot behind the psychiatrist's head. She was actively suppressing the urge to chew her fingernails; the habit had gotten worse lately. She hadn't been to therapy in weeks and while she blamed her absence on lack of time, truthfully she was just avoiding it.

"How so?" Dr. Lindstrom asked in his gentle, curious way.

She sighed. "I'm more anxious. I don't let the baby out of my sight. I worry about Jesse at school. I'm nervous about taking Luca to the park, like somebody is gonna snatch him up..."

"Do you think your traumatic birth experience has something to do with how cautious you are now?" the doctor suggested.

"I guess." Amanda shrugged again. "I was so afraid to be without them, or for them to be without me. I still just want them all to be okay..."

Dr. Lindstrom nodded. "How's Sonny doing?"

"Oh, he's great. He's working all the time but he's happy. Nothing makes him happier than being with the kids." She toyed with the string of her navy NYPD sweatshirt and admitted, "it makes me feel guilty for feeling off. I'm always taking everything out on him. I don't know why. It's like, it overwhelms me even more being around him because he's so damn... okay. He doesn't get worked up about anything, ever."

"How you're feeling is perfectly normal," Dr. Lindstrom assured her. "With postpartum depression, most of the time by the third month after giving birth, mood improves on its own. For now, it's important that you try to get out of the house every day. I know it's hard for you, but ask for help. Don't try to do everything on your own."

"Sonny's mother always wants to help," Amanda explained. "I just feel badly asking, like I'm not doing something right if I need somebody else to step in..."

"You aren't being a hero by struggling alone, Amanda. How effective will you be as a mother if you're exhausted and anxious? Think of asking for help as doing you and your family a favor."

"I get it, yeah, but that doesn't make anything feel less..."

"Less?"

"Sort of like everything is barely being held together. Like at any second it's all gonna fall apart."

"Have you talked to Sonny about how you're feeling?"

"Of course not. I'm not gonna sit around and whine while he's bustin' his ass at work fourteen hours a day. We barely see each other anyway."

Dr. Lindstrom quirked an eyebrow, appearing almost amused. "Isn't he always 'nagging' you to talk about your feelings? Isn't that what you've told me for over a year now?"

"Well, yeah," Amanda mumbled.

"And haven't you also told me that when you put things out in the open, you tend to feel better more often than not?" he went on.

She cleared her throat and gave in to the desire to gnaw at her thumb nail. "I mighta said that, yeah."


Amanda spent Saturday afternoon out of the house, as she had been encouraged to. She went for a run, met a friend for coffee and completed errands - all without a child in tow. Sonny was working the evening shift at SVU, so she made a point to get back to Queens by six, but not before she stopped off at the New York Historical Society. It certainly wasn't a place Amanda frequented, but she had read about a United States Constitution exhibit there and wanted to buy tickets for Sonny.

As she walked through the front door, she was surprised to find Sonny at the stove cooking. "Hey." She shrugged off her jacket and hung it up. "What are you doing?"

"Makin' dinner," he replied easily.

She walked into the kitchen. "I thought you were going into the precinct?"

"I gave up the shift," Sonny explained as he moved to the sink to rinse off a bunch of spinach. "Some rookie was lookin' for the OT."

"Oh." Looking around, she noticed it was eerily quiet. The lights were down low and the television wasn't blaring. Nobody's toys were making any noises or blinking right under foot. It immediately made Amanda suspicious. "Where is everybody?"

"Well, actually..." He glanced over his shoulder with a smile. "My parents came and got the kids."

A rush of anxiety coursed through her. "Did you make sure to pack up all of Ruby's stuff? Jesse has these worksheets-"

Sonny wiped off his hands and walked over to her. "Everything is under control. Trust me," he urged her gently. He took her chin between his thumb and forefinger and kissed her. "I'm makin' pasta with spinach and ricotta. I've opened not one, but two, bottles of wine and we're gonna sit and have an adult conversation for more than five minutes."

Her eyes widened in genuine surprise. "Oh. Wow. That's... really nice, baby," she told him sincerely, a smile pulling at her mouth despite the unnecessary worry that had gripped her seconds earlier. She toyed with the buttons by the collar of his henley, then wrapped her arms around his torso in a hug. "I'm glad you're not going to work," she mumbled into the fabric of his shirt. She closed her eyes and appreciated how sturdy and familiar he felt, glad that for once there wasn't a child tugging at either of their legs for attention.

"Me too," he admitted, palms soothing up and down her back lazily. "I need a little break from bein' a cop."

Arms still around him, Amanda leaned back to peer up at Sonny. She arched a mischievous eyebrow. "I got you something."

Sonny looked confused. "Huh?"

One hand slid into the back pocket of her jeans to pull the tickets out, then she brandished them between their bodies. "I thought we could go together."

He took the tickets from her carefully and studied them. "You hate history," he sputtered once he realized exactly what they were. They were hardly expensive or difficult to come by, but Sonny looked like he had just won the lottery.

Amanda shrugged, then smirked. "Yeah, but... maybe I'm missing something. The constitution does have almost eight thousand words, y'know..."

"How the hell do you know that?" he chuckled, awestruck.

"I have no idea." Moving a few inches away, she reached for the open bottle of white wine on the island and poured some into a glass beside it. Taking a sip, she waggled her eyebrows provocatively at him as she leaned her back against the counter. "Maybe your knowledge of history is sexually transmitted."

He laughed and shook his head. "You're really gonna go to this with me?"

"Yes!" Amanda insisted. She looked sheepishly down into her wine glass as she thought. "I'm just, well, I'm sorry I've been kind of a bummer lately. To be honest, after being in the hospital and everything, I've just felt sort of... down, I guess. Nervous. I can't explain it, but it's been different after Ruby than it was with the other two."

Furrowing his brow, Sonny took a step closer to her. He set the tickets on the island. "Nervous? About what?"

"I guess I just got so scared that something was gonna happen to me that now it just feels so... real. Like something could happen to any of us at any time. I've always known that, of course, but..." She shrugged and met Sonny's eyes briefly before shyly studying her wine again. "Y'all are the most important things in the world to me. I just can't seem to shake how scary it felt to be so close to losing it."

"'Manda..." Sonny reached out his hands and ran them slowly up and down her sides. "Why didn't you tell me before?"

"You've been doing so much. I didn't want to bother you... and I'm sorta embarrassed." She scrunched up her nose and gave her head a little shake. "Like I should be over it already, y'know? And I've been such a bitch to you 'cause I'm all wound up and it isn't fair." She sighed, her free hand rubbing at her forehead which was always sore and tense these days. "You always take care of us. I know I don't always say it, but it does mean a lot to me."

He grinned mischievously. "Wow, you must be feelin' guilty if you're offering to go to a museum with me..."

Setting her wine glass down, she punched his arm. "I'm bein' serious! I didn't want you to think it was you."

Sonny flinched, laughed and shook his head. "Oh, I know it's not me," he assured her easily, as if she was totally overthinking the impact of her recent behavior.

Amanda pouted and crossed her arms over her chest. "This heart-to-heart doesn't feel as cathartic as I imagined it would..."

"No, no," he said quickly. "Thank you for talkin' to me. For tellin' me this stuff. It's just..." He offered her a boyish grin as he admitted, "I kinda figured it had something to do with the baby and gettin' sick, but you're sorta terrifying, so I didn't want to bring it up..."

"Aw, you're still scared of me?" Her blue eyes widened almost hopefully.

Sonny took a sip of her wine. "Yep."

Amanda beamed like she had just been crowned Miss America. "I feel so much better."