AN: There is the teeniest tiniest touch of barson in this.
follow me when it's dark out / I will be your lighthouse
One year earlier.
Sitting in his high chair in the Carisi dining room, one-year-old Luca was covered in homemade yellow cake and chocolate frosting. Sonny's mother had helped Amanda throw a dinosaur-themed birthday party for the now-toddler and the Staten Island home was filled with people who had come to celebrate. There was no way Amanda and Sonny could have hosted such an event in their tiny, Long Island City apartment and Amanda had wanted to give Luca something special for his first birthday. She could always count on Mrs. Carisi to go above and beyond for the people she loved - and especially for her only male grandchild.
Amanda watched everyone crowd around Luca, enamored by the way the little boy gleefully smashed cake around his tray and clumsily shoved it into his mouth. Sonny was armed with his Canon camera; there had to be a hundred pictures taken already that afternoon. Jesse sat between Noah and Angelina at the table, all of them eagerly digging into their plates and tittering excitedly amongst each other. The rest of the room was occupied by adults - even Fin's son, Kenny, and his husband Alejandro came with their young son in tow. For the years Amanda was alone in New York, Fin's family had been hers, too, and she was still appreciative of the part they played in her life.
She nursed her beer as she surveyed the bustling dining room. Liv appeared at her side; she looked relaxed outside of the SVU environment.
"Thanks for coming," Amanda said to her lieutenant. "I know Staten Island isn't the most convenient."
"Wouldn't miss it. Noah loved the ferry," Liv smiled. She looked around the busy room. "Sonny's family is so kind."
"Tell me about it. Nobody ever made me a birthday cake or threw me a themed party," she quipped sarcastically.
"Me neither," Liv agreed.
Amanda watched Dominick Sr. adjust Luca's colorful birthday hat, straightening it gently atop the little boy's round head. She felt a pull at her heart at how simple but sweet the gesture was. Every time she witnessed how cared for her children were, Amanda was flooded with gratitude. She glanced over at Liv, who was still smiling, but her eyes looked almost sad. It made Amanda think: even despite the joy Noah brought her, maybe Liv was lonely. While Amanda had somehow found herself in the middle of a family that was large both in quantity and in heart, Liv only had her son. The role the squad played in both of their lives was huge, but she had to wonder, did her lieutenant ever long for more?
She wasn't bold enough to bring up such a loaded topic now, so she filed it away at the back of her mind. Maybe one day Liv would open up to her enough to let her know how she was feeling herself. If they had anything in common, it was that they were both two very guarded women. Amanda understood her lieutenant's pension for privacy, but she still quietly hoped that one day the two of them could be closer. She didn't have many female friends in New York City - mostly because NYPD consisted of more men than women and that's who she did all of her socializing with - so she would appreciate the opportunity to have Liv as a confidant. Their relationship had been rocky for years, but Amanda had been working like hell to try to redeem herself.
"But that's the idea, right?" she eventually mused, gaze flickering back to Liv. "To give your kid something better than what you had?"
Liv nodded, then offered her a knowing grin. "You're doing a good job of that."
She felt a flush creep up her neck, suddenly sheepish. "I'm tryin'."
In the hallway outside of Liv's apartment, Amanda was about to knock when the door opened in front of her instead. She expected to see her lieutenant, but it was Rafael Barba who stood before her. Dressed casually in jeans and a navy sweater, his jacket slung over his arm, he clearly hadn't come from court or the office. Her blue eyes widened in surprise and the ADA looked uncomfortable for barely a split-second before his features turned stony and cool.
"Barba," she greeted him.
He gave a little nod of acknowledgment. "Rollins."
Amanda tried to suppress a grin. "Uh..."
"I'm just leaving," he told her, as if it wasn't obvious.
"Right..."
Barba slipped past her out of the doorway. Glancing over her shoulder, she watched him walk briskly down the hallway toward the elevator. Eyebrows raised with her piqued interest, Amanda walked cautiously into Liv's apartment to find her lieutenant at the stove in her kitchen, putting the kettle on. When she turned around, she seemed surprised to see one of her detectives in the middle of her living room.
"I'm just running these up to you for Sonny," Amanda explained hastily, giving the manila folder in her hand a wave. "He's downstairs in the car but said you left them on the seat during his shift earlier..."
Liv's expression softened. "Oh, yeah. Thanks, Rollins," she said, walking toward her.
The sound of quick little footsteps preceded Noah, who emerged from his bedroom with an armful of action figures. "Hi, Auntie 'Manda," he greeted her cheerfully.
Amanda grinned; he was a sweet little boy. "Hey, buddy. How's it goin'?"
"Good." Noah peered around her curiously. "Is Jesse here?"
"Oh, no, she's at home. Maybe this weekend we can all go to the park with Frannie, though," she offered.
He dropped his toys on the coffee table and nodded. "Yeah!"
Looking back over at Liv, Amanda quirked her eyebrows. "So... Barba was here."
"Yes," she responded simply.
She slid her hands into the back pockets of her jeans and rocked back and forth on the heels of her boots. "Were you guys like..."
Liv thumbed through the contents of the folder Amanda had brought, but peered up at her as if she had six heads.
"You know..." Amanda prompted her with a provocative grin.
"No, I don't know." Liv's tone was curt; she wasn't smiling.
Well, this is awkward, Amanda thought to herself. So much for a little girl talk. She raked a hand through her wavy hair. "Well, I should get goin'," she blurted. "We've got Knicks tickets, so..."
"Have fun," her lieutenant said coolly.
"Thanks." She gave the little boy a little wave. "See ya, Noah."
"Bye!" Noah chirped.
Back outside, Amanda clambered into the passengers' seat of the waiting car. "Guess what?"
Sonny pulled away from the curb once she was safely inside. "What?"
"I just caught Barba leaving Liv's apartment," she breathed excitedly.
He raised an eyebrow. "Okay."
"They were looking very casual."
"Like, not in work clothes?"
She rolled her eyes. "God, Sonny, no! I mean, yes, but I think they're like... seein' one another."
"Oh..." Sonny shook his head and held up a hand. "I don't wanna know about it."
"I do. God knows they both need to get laid," she mumbled.
"Amanda!" he exclaimed, grimacing. "Jeez, please, don't..."
"What?" she asked innocently. "It's not like I'm talking about your parents banging-"
His face screwed up in disgust. "Agh, stop!"
Amanda smirked. "You're such a prude sometimes."
Luca scooped up a handful of bubbles as he sat in the bath. "Eat this?"
"No, we do not eat bubbles," Amanda responded from her spot on the bathroom floor, equal parts exasperated and amused. She pushed her bangs away from her face with the back of her hand. "I know your daddy tells you different, but not everything is a meal."
The toddler resumed splashing contently, his colorful toys floating around him in the warm water. Knees up to her chest, Amanda leaned her back against the wall as she watched Luca play. She yawned before she allowed her eyes to close briefly; she didn't know if it was more tiring staying at home on maternity leave with three kids or going to work. She was leaning toward the former, although finally, for the moment, everything was relatively quiet. She could hear Jesse watching television in she and Sonny's room across the hall, most likely tucked into their bed like it was her own. Ruby was asleep in her crib after a bottle.
Her phone buzzed on the tile floor and she opened her eyes. Sonny was calling her.
"Hey," Amanda greeted him, cradling the device between her ear and her shoulder.
"Hey." There was rustling, then Sonny sighed, "I'm gonna be here for awhile."
"What's goin' on?" she asked curiously.
"An inmate escaped from Sing Sing. Some guy named Antonio Morales, he's got like, three charges of violent sexual assault against a kid and has a history of stealin' a buncha firearms from Westside Rifle."
Amanda cringed. "That's not good."
"And get this: he climbed a basketball hoop to reach the roof, cut through the fence up there and then climbed through a buncha razor wire."
"Didn't anybody notice?"
"Yeah, like two hours later. You know those C.O.'s can be lazy as hell. So they want everybody on it. We're gettin' debriefed by the brass soon."
"Oh, man. I miss everything!" she moaned, oddly envious of the excitement. "Couldn't this have happened in two weeks?"
"Yeah, yeah," Sonny grumbled. He yawned. "What's everybody doin'?"
"Jesse's watching television before bed. I'm givin' Luca a bath... he's covered in peanut butter, it's even in his hair. But it's all he'd eat for dinner: waffles with peanut butter." Her eyes flickered to the baby monitor on the counter. "Baby's sleeping."
"I wish I was home with you guys," he murmured, obviously not wanting to be overheard by the busy squad room.
"Y'think you'll still be able to get off at eleven?" Amanda wondered.
"Eh, depends on what happens with this guy... doubtful."
She frowned and picked at one of the intentional holes in the knee of her jeans. "Will you call me later?"
"'Course. Kiss the kids goodnight for me?"
"I will," she promised. "Y'all be safe, okay?"
"We will. Love ya."
"Love you."
Amanda fell asleep on the couch with the television on. Her eyes flew open at a familiar sound: Chief Dodds' voice filling her living room. Yawning, she sat up, her gaze focusing on the screen. The Chief was speaking into multiple microphones in front of a section of highway quadruped off by yellow police tape. It was dark except the bright camera lights and the red and blue flashes from parked squad cars. Escaped inmate shot by police after high-speed chase, read the headline scrolling below him.
"NYPD officers spotted a white Ford F150 driving 'erratically' in the city and attempted to pull the driver over," Dodds explained. "The truck stopped, but when the officer got out of his car, the driver - believed to be Antonio Morales - took off. The truck swerved, made illegal turns, and sped past stop signs evading the police. They were going so fast that they were endangering their lives and the lives of others."
The camera cut away from the Chief and shifted back to a newswoman. "The chase ended in front of the Queens-Midtown Tunnel. Officers converged, guns drawn, on the white pickup truck," the female announcer said. "After his path was blocked by squad cars, Morales shot two times out of the passenger side window, prompting at least six officers to fire upon the truck at close range. Two officers and one bystander were critically injured by the gunfire. Morales is said to be dead."
A jolt of anxiety gripped Amanda's stomach. Sonny never called me, she realized. She scrambled for her phone between the couch cushions and quickly pressed Sonny's name in her contact list. It rang several times before his voicemail picked up: hi, you've reached Dominick Carisi Jr., please leave... She hung up before the familiar message ended and dialed him two more times with no success.
What's going on? she texted him.
She stared down at the screen, waiting for his reply. After ten minutes passed, her anxiety had mounted, and she called him again. This time, she left him a voicemail: "Sonny, ugh. Pick up your phone. Call me, please?" Then she texted Fin, even though he was notorious for not answering messages. Lastly, as she wandered around the living room nervously, she dialed Liv.
"Liv? Uh, hi," she said awkwardly into the lieutenant's voicemail. "Hey. Not tryin' to be a crazy person but uh, I was just watching the news and I saw what happened and I just wanna make sure... everybody's okay... call me back?"
For fifteen minutes, Amanda's phone remained silent. She gnawed at her thumb nail as her mind reeled. She probably didn't need to be so worried; she did have the tendency to overreact lately. Her eyes flickered to the television screen as the news covered the same vague facts over and over again amidst flashing lights and distant shots of the accident scene. The media would never be allowed to get close enough to see the details, so no matter how intently Amanda watched, the television still wouldn't help her. If she could just get a little reassurance...
Stopping in front of the television, she thumbed through her contacts again to call dispatch.
"Communications," a woman's voice answered.
"This is Sergeant Rollins." Amanda's voice was higher-pitched than usual as she resumed pacing. "I'm calling about the 444 by the Queens-Midtown tunnel. Who was injured?"
"I can't release names, ma'am," the woman replied smoothly.
"Okay, but, this is Amanda Rollins from the 16th precinct," she reiterated. "Badge number 0458. I'm out on maternity leave but-"
"I still can't release names," the dispatcher interrupted.
"This is, this is crazy," she sputtered, pressing her free palm to her forehead. "I'm a police officer. So is my husband. He was working tonight. I'm just trying to find out if he's okay."
"It's against protocol," the woman responded.
"Don't tell me about protocol," Amanda spat angrily, her fear fueling her anger. "While you've been sittin' behind a computer screen we've been out there puttin' our asses on the line to keep you safe at your little desk."
She hung up and threw her phone back on the couch. Frannie hovered by her feet, sensing her owner's distress, as Amanda stalked into the kitchen for a change of scenery. Crossing her arms tightly over her chest, she leaned her back against the counter. She had spent the past three months frustrated that she was left out of the loop with everything going on at work, but now her lack of knowledge scared her. What were the odds that something had happened to Sonny? What would she do if he wasn't okay?
Amanda had never played this role before. She had been a concerned colleague and girlfriend, but never a terrified wife and mother. Now, it was as if she had forgotten all of her police training and cool logic. All she could think about was the man she loved so much and how far away she felt from him. There were so many horrible possibilities: what if he was hurt so badly that his career was over? Or he could never walk again?
What if he was dead?
How could she go on living her life without him? And the kids - they needed him so badly. She could never raise them on her own; she could never make up for his loss. Amanda may have loved her job, but her family was the real center of her universe. Without Sonny, she truly didn't know how she could ever feel whole again.
Back in the living room, she looked at her phone. There wasn't a single notification even though an hour had passed. Chewing on her lower lip, Amanda was officially despondent, unable to think beyond the grim catastrophes she had so easily concocted. Everybody always had their phones on them; only something awful would prevent them from replying to her. Were Liv and Fin okay, or had one of them been the officers hurt? Were they avoiding her, trying to figure out how to give her devastating news about her husband? If something happened to Sonny, Amanda would have to quit SVU. She would never be able to walk into the squad room again. It would be as if she had died, too.
Every bone in her body was aching to leave the house and drive down to the scene or the precinct, but Amanda had three sleeping children to consider. She couldn't take matters into her own hands without upsetting them all...
The sound of the lock on the front door clicking stopped both Amanda's racing mind and heart. When it swung open, Sonny appeared, still wearing his NYPD jacket with his badge hanging lopsided from a pocket. He looked worn down, lines of obvious stress and concern etched onto his face, but he was seemingly unhurt.
"Sonny!" she cried. Dropping her phone carelessly, she ran to him and flung her arms around him the instant the door shut behind him. She screwed her eyes closed as she held on to his lean, sturdy torso.
Sonny wrapped his arms around her shorter frame and held her tightly. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry I didn't call," he breathed into the top of her head, squeezing her closer. "It was so crazy, it was a total mess. I knew you'd be watchin' the news and gettin' worried."
"I'm so glad you're okay," she whispered into his shoulder, voice hitching with emotion.
He kissed her hair. "I'm alright," he promised her quietly.
Amanda couldn't seem to make herself let go of him. She was clinging to his body shamelessly. "What happened? Who got hit?"
"Jenkins from ESU took a bullet in the knee," Sonny explained. "But... y'know that rookie, Murray? From Jersey, barely thirty years old?"
"Yeah. He was really involved with the Baby Doe case," Amanda recalled. "Or he wanted to be, at least."
"He was too eager. He got too close and Morales panicked. Bullet grazed his neck," he told her grimly. "He was bleedin' everywhere. It must've hit an artery. I don't think he's gonna..." Sonny trailed off, seemingly unable to finish his sentence.
"Damn," she said softly.
"Yeah."
"Everybody else?"
"Liv and Fin are okay."
Slowly, Amanda pulled away just slightly, keeping her arms around Sonny. She looked up at him, at his blue eyes and his strong brow and the dimples in his cheeks. She felt badly for the two officers and the innocent bystander who had gotten injured, but God, was she so immensely grateful that it hadn't been Sonny. Tears pricked her eyes, which she found slightly embarrassing, and she used shaky knuckles to try to quickly brush them away. She sucked her lower lip into her mouth and bit down.
"Hey, don't be upset," he urged her gently. She felt his fingers curl at her lower back. "It's okay."
"I know it's okay, I know," she croaked unconvincingly. Exhaling audibly, she toyed with the zipper of his jacket. "D'you... you wanna drink or something?"
Sonny shook his head. "I'd rather just look in on the kids and lie down. Comin' with me?"
Amanda followed him through the house and upstairs. Sonny poked his head into Luca's room first: the toddler was sound asleep, his thumb in his mouth, the same arm wound tightly around his favorite stuffed dog. Next, Ruby was found to be resting just as peacefully in her crib across the hall. Lastly was Jesse's room, where Sonny carefully opened the door to find the little girl tucked into her bed. Her eyes fluttered open at the sliver of warm light that poured in from the hallway.
"Daddy," Jesse called sleepily.
"Hey, you. Sorry I woke you up. I just came to say goodnight," Sonny explained, voice quiet.
"I was awake. Waiting for you," she murmured, although clearly that was not the case. She scrunched up her nose. "You still have your policeman stuff on."
Sonny looked down at his jacket and badge. "Oh, yeah. That's 'cause I ran right home to say goodnight to you." He perched himself on the edge of her bed. "You gotta get some rest. You've got t-ball in the mornin'."
Without moving from beneath the sheets, Jesse held her arms out expectantly for a hug.
Smiling, he leaned in and embraced her. "Love you, kiddo."
"Love you, too," she yawned.
Sonny adjusted Jesse's stuffed animal, Bunny, against her side before getting up and slipping out the door with Amanda. The two of them walked across the hallway to their bedroom and shut themselves inside. Sonny began to shed layers, muttering that he was going to take a shower before disappearing into the bathroom. Amanda flopped onto her back onto the bed and exhaled, her muscles relaxing into the mattress. Listening to the water running, she closed her eyes before covering them with her hands. The hour of unbridled panic she had just stirred up within herself had drained her of energy. How was it possible to feel so profoundly terrified by only the possibilities she had conjured in her own head? Maybe it was because her fears hadn't been so far-fetched - the work she and Sonny did was dangerous. It always had been, though. Amanda would be a liar if she said part of the allure of being a cop wasn't the adrenaline rush. It made her wonder: maybe the struggle of wrestling with her identity - was she a bold detective or a married mother? - was over. Maybe she was finally just the right amount of both, and that meant she would inevitably feel things from both perspectives.
Dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt, warm and damp from his shower, Sonny eventually crawled onto the bed with her. He stretched out half on top of her, distributing his weight between her frame and the mattress, his nose nudging against her temple. His sturdiness and the rhythm of his breathing was reassuring.
"You really scared me," Amanda whispered to the ceiling.
"You're not scared of anything," Sonny mumbled, a teasing lilt in his voice.
Her lips twitched in a smile. "I am."
The arm laying across her abdomen bent and his hand toyed with strands of blonde hair at the side of her head. "I shoulda called," he said. "I'm sorry."
"No, it's not that. It's just... I made up all this stuff in my head." Amanda scrunched her nose. "All this awful stuff..."
Sonny shifted closer, nuzzling his face into the crook of her neck. "You do have a very vivid imagination," he murmured mischievously. He kissed the spot just below her ear once, twice. "I've always loved that about you..."
"Sonny, c'mon," she giggled quietly, wriggling at the sensation before swatting his arm. "I'm bein' serious."
He sighed. "You were really freaked out, huh?"
"I was."
"I'd go crazy sittin' behind a desk."
"I don't want you to sit behind a desk. I don't want to sit behind a desk."
After a minute of quiet, Sonny concluded, "I know what you're sayin'."
Amanda turned her head slightly, curious. "What am I saying?"
Weight on his forearm, he lifted himself up slightly to kiss her. When he pulled away, he looked serious as he studied her. His other hand smoothed over her head, gently pushing her bangs away from her face. "You're sayin' that there's a lot at stake for us now."
"Yeah," she agreed softly. "That's what I'm saying."
Sonny nodded thoughtfully, but he didn't respond. He settled himself back down, head resting against her chest, one long leg between hers. Amanda's fingers toyed with his damp hair in silence. They stayed like that for awhile.
