AN: NSFW stuff in here. Also, I've had several requests to make Dana go batshit crazy soooo that could be happening soon. I love when you guys give me ideas, it's such a fun challenge!


lights will guide you home / and ignite your bones / and I will try to fix you


Amanda had been home from SVU for two hours, but her badge was on her hip and her shoes were still on. While some evenings after work were laid-back and harmonious, others more closely resembled a circus. Without Sonny or Audrey beside her, Amanda did her best to attend to everybody, but with a five-year-old, a toddler and an infant, she was constantly being pulled in three different directions.

Luca had been diagnosed with asthma a year ago and it was exacerbated by illness or too much physical activity. That night, he had been practically bouncing off of the walls as Amanda had tried to help Jesse get organized for her play date the next day and take care of a fussy Ruby. Sonny was still at the precinct, leaving Amanda to try to keep everything under control, and it was all going fine until Luca's bedtime tantrum. The force and effort of his walling and flailing prompted an episode of coughing and wheezing that, while frustrated, Amanda couldn't ignore. In a way the asthma attack was a blessing in disguise, as it forced the toddler to sit still on the edge of his bed for a few minutes while Amanda prepared his inhaler. They had a big plastic bag full of them now - one for colds, one for allergies, one for sleep and one for emergencies - and it was a task keeping track of when to use what.

"Big, deep breath. It'll make you feel better," Amanda instructed Luca, holding the inhaler to his mouth.

The little boy took an inhale then coughed and shook his head; it tasted terrible.

She shook up the solution again before putting it back to his mouth. "One more, Lu."

"Mama, no," he whined, pajama-clad limbs wiggling in protest. There was a distinct whistling sound when he took a breath, an indication that not enough medicine had reached his lungs yet. "Nuh-uh."

"Just one more," she promised, and when he acquiesced, she was relieved. She watched him for a few moments until she was satisfied that the episode had passed. She smoothed a hand over his hair before she cupped one of his flushed cheeks. "Feel better?"

Luca nodded and pointed to his chest. "In here."

"All better in there? Good," she translated with a little smile. "Now, let's tuck you in." Amanda pulled back the sheets of his bed, allowing the little boy to climb beneath them without protest, then tucked his stuffed bear into the crook of his arm. She guessed that Luca had worn himself out: he popped his thumb into his mouth immediately, which was a tell-tale sign of toddler exhaustion. She leaned down and kissed his forehead. "Mama loves you."

"Lub you," Luca responded around his thumb.

With the bag of his medications in hand, Amanda shut off Luca's light and left his room to go into her own. She tossed the inhalers onto the bed and began to pull off her shoes and change into shorts and a t-shirt - finally. It felt good to get out of constrictive work clothes. At her bureau, she pulled her gold earrings from her ears and unfastened her watch as the door creaked open again to reveal Sonny. Her stomach tightened into an anticipatory knot; he made her anxious lately and she hated that. She wanted space from a person she was already distant from.

"Is Luca okay?" Sonny asked, his eyes on the collection of inhalers on their bed as he shrugged off his suit jacket.

"Yeah. He just worked up himself up and was wheezing," Amanda told him levelly, keeping her focus on putting her jewelry away.

She heard the bed creak and assumed Sonny had sat down on it, but she didn't turn around. "Can we talk?" he asked after a moment of silence.

Amanda suppressed a sigh. She was tired and not emotionally prepared for what would likely be the start of another disagreement - or, worse, a confession from Sonny that confirmed her worst fears. She toyed with the rings in her porcelain jewelry dish. "Okay."

"Y'wanna sit?" he offered.

She turned around and eyed him on the edge of the bed, then crossed her arms over her chest defensively. "I'm fine here."

Sonny nodded, seemingly understanding of her stance. Head bowed, he told the floor, "I wanted to say I'm sorry."

Amanda didn't even have the energy to raise her eyebrows, she simply blinked at him. Sorry for which part, exactly? she wanted to snap, but she chewed on her lower lip in silence instead.

"I'm not sleepin' with Dana, but I did talk to her and you were right, I have shut you out," he went on.

Dana's name out of Sonny's mouth made Amanda feel sick to her stomach, but she would never let him know that. Her expression remained stoic even if her pulse was beginning to pound.

Sonny leaned forward to rest his elbows against his knees, his hands clasped loosely between them. His gaze was still focused on the carpet. "It's just... you and the kids mean everything to me," he began, voice quiet. "Without you guys, there's no me. I keep thinkin'... those kids at PS 77, they probably meant everything to their parents, too. They probably had lives just like ours. Except now they don't, all 'cause their mom and dad chose to send them to school, just like any other day." He pulled in a deep breath before he continued, "pretty much my whole life I've wanted to be a dad, and now I am, and I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I brought kids into a world that's so fucked up, where I don't know if I can keep them safe. Then I feel pissed off and I don't even know what I'm angry at. I keep questioning everything, all this stuff I used to be so sure about and it's, it's scaring the hell outta me. Every time I close my eyes, I see it. Them. I can't sleep, I'm sick to my stomach, I feel like I'm gonna jump outta my fuckin' skin..."

Sonny rubbed his palms together slowly, his eyes gaze still lowered. "I... talked to Dana about it. I did. I did it because she was there. She was in the middle of it, too. I know you can handle a lot of stuff, 'Manda, and that you hate when I try to protect you, but I never want you to have to know what this was like. I never want you to have to carry this - what I saw, how it's made me feel - around." There was a distinct hitch in his voice as he whispered, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for makin' you think... for makin' you think less of me. I just, I guess what I'm sayin' is, I don't really know what to do..."

Amanda felt her heart in her throat, taken aback by the hopelessness in Sonny's tone. She had never heard him sound so sad and she felt his pain like it was her own. It terrified her. She had spent so much time wondering what was going on in his head, and now that she knew it, it was more upsetting than what she could have imagined. He was not unshakable. He was suffering and he needed her. Suddenly, Amanda didn't care about Dana at all.

"Sonny..." Rushing to him, Amanda dropped to her knees in front of his hunched over freame, one hand grabbing his clasped ones, the other reaching up to brush a lock of hair away from his forehead, desperate for him to look at her. "Sonny, hey, it's alright," she whispered. His eyes remained downcast, but she could see them shining with tears that hadn't yet fallen. She squeezed at his hands with both of hers. "I'm right here, and I'm always gonna be here. All those nights you've stayed up with me, helping me deal with whatever's goin' on in my head... I'll do it for you, too."

"You take such good care of us. You always have. Everything out there may be nuts but, in here? In here, in this house, things are always okay. That's all you and me have ever been in control of and hell, sometimes we can't even do that and it's alright because we have each other." Despite her attempt at remaining steady, there was a quiver of emotion in Amanda's voice as she continued, "you don't have to carry around all this shit on your own."

Sonny nodded, his eyes on her hands atop his. "I've never felt this way before," he admitted quietly, as if it was shameful. His voice was so low that if she hadn't been close to him, she never would have heard it.

"You need a break, baby," Amanda urged him. "You need to take a few days off."

His brow creased. "We're already short-staffed-"

"Who cares? It doesn't matter. It's One PP's job to worry about staffing, not you," she insisted. "What are you saving up time for? God knows we aren't going on vacation and I'm sure as hell not poppin' out another kid in this lifetime." She chewed the inside of her cheek anxiously. "You always just... you deal with some really hard stuff and you just keep goin', over and over, and I get it - you know I'm the same way - but we've all got our breaking points." Her throat felt tight as she croaked softly, "I just want you back. I don't wanna lose you to this."

Sonny nodded again slowly.

Feeling desperate, Amanda decided to utilize a classic Carisi coping mechanism: "Are you hungry? Have you eaten anything today?"

"I did this morning." He shrugged. "I am, kinda."

She gave his hands a squeeze. "Let's get you something."

Finally, he looked her in the eye - and cringed. "Please don't cook."

A small smile, prompted by the flicker of normalcy in his plea, tugged at the corners of Amanda's mouth. "I'm not gonna cook," she promised with a roll of her eyes. She stood up straight again and tugged at his hands, prompting him to do the same. One set of fingers remained entangled with his. "Let's order a pizza or something. We can eat it on the couch and watch The Bachelorette, just like we used to before we had to take care of all these people. And we can talk. We can talk about whatever you want."

Sonny looked down at their entwined fingers and squeezed. "Alright. Yeah."

"Okay. Good." Amanda felt momentarily steadied by the fact that she could do something - anything - somewhat productive. Closing the small space between them, she wrapped her arms around his torso and hugged him as tightly as she could manage, her cheek pressed against the fabric of his dress shirt, her eyes screwed shut. She felt his arms embrace her, like they always did, but this time it felt different. This time, it was Sonny who was holding onto her. "I love you so much."

She felt his palm press into the small of her back. "I love you," he said softly into the top of her head. "I'm really sorry. I'm sorry I'm such a mess over this, that I was bein' such an ass-"

"Stop apologizing," Amanda interrupted him gently. She lifted her head to look up at him, their blue eyes meeting. "It's okay. Just... promise me something."

Sonny nodded. "Yeah."

Pulling away slightly, a thumb grazed over the cool metal of his badge clipped to his brown leather belt. "You and me... we've been partners for a long time now. In everything. I don't want that to change." Amanda rested her palms against his chest as she gazed up at him earnestly. Chewing on her lower lip, she whispered, "promise me that's not going to change."

He reached a hand up toward the side of Amanda's face, fingers carding through her blonde hair. She loved the motion against her scalp; if she hadn't been so preoccupied, her eyes would have fluttered closed and she would have asked him not to stop. Instead, she watched his face intently. Something was different about the way Sonny was looking at her - almost as if her request had caused him to suddenly become sadder. He closed the small space between them, kissed her forehead and murmured into her hairline, "there's nobody else on earth I'd rather be partners with."


The next morning, Amanda awoke to the sound of the shower running. When she rolled over in bed, Sonny's side was empty. Last night, she had laid awake until his breathing became slow and even, indicating that he had fallen asleep. She felt as though she couldn't relax until she knew he was at peace, too. Their candid conversation and time spent together hadn't fixed everything, but at least it closed the gaping chasm between them.

With a yawn, she untangled herself from the sheets and padded over to the ajar bathroom door. She was greeted by a warm cloud of steam as she slipped inside. She shimmied out of her shorts, then pulled her t-shirt up and off over her head. She slid open the glass door to the shower and stepped inside to find Sonny's back to her, his tall frame beneath the warm cascade of water. Coming up behind him, she wrapped her arms around his torso, pressing her chest against his back and splaying her fingers over the flat plane of his abdomen. Sonny's arms reached behind her in a backward hug and Amanda smiled, her lips grazed the place between his shoulder blades.

Turning around in her embrace, Sonny took her chin between a thumb and forefinger to lift it up and kiss her. She snaked her arms up around his neck, their mouths meeting slowly but intensely, over and over. She felt her back encounter the tiles, cooler than the damp heat radiating off of Sonny's skin pressed against her own. She blindly anchored her fingers in the wet hair at the back of his head. His mouth soon left hers to devour her neck and her collarbone, then the swell of her breasts, her back arching to offer it all up to him.

"You're so beautiful," he breathed reverently against the spot beneath her ear, a palm sliding down the curve of her waist to dip fingers between her thighs.

"Baby..." she sighed dreamily, her head tilted back and eyes closed as she enjoyed the attention she had been starving for. Her own fingertips slid from behind his neck to drift down his chest and his stomach, her nails grazing the jut of his hipbones. She could feel him hard between them; a hand moved to stroke him lazily, her grip slipping easily over wet skin. Heat blossomed in the pit of her stomach and morphed into a desperate kind of ache, as if her body was waking up, suddenly aware of all the space that had previously been between them.

Sonny's hand skimmed along the back of her thigh before he stopped beneath her knee to pull the leg up around his waist. "I need you," her murmured into her mouth.

Her heel digging into his lower back, Amanda draped her arms around his neck again. Standing up on her toes, she gave a little hop to hook her other leg around his hips, the movement prompting a low chuckle of amusement from Sonny as his hand caught her beneath her thigh to keep her there. He pressed forward, the wall of the shower holding part of her weight, and she reached between them to line him up with her entrance. When he pressed himself inside of her, her breath caught in her chest.

Sonny let out a huff of air like he was relieved. "Yeah..." he growled as his hands slid to grip her ass tightly. His thrusts were slow at first and she met them with a rock of her hips, creating an easy rhythm. Then he shifted to press her back more firmly against the wall, stilling her movements to allow him to take control. Pinned against the hard surface of the shower, he began to move in and out of her fast and hard, the sound of their bodies meeting echoing loudly off of tiles and glass.

Amanda's mouth fell open at the onslaught of sensation; two weeks without him had been too long. Now he was taking her with such intensity that it was as if he shared in her desperation. She was flushed and damp with arousal and the hot spray of the shower, her eyes flickering open only long enough to see Sonny's head bowed as he watched himself disappear inside of her. She tilted her hips upward just slightly, until the angle was too good to ignore. "Oh, God, yes..." she moaned wantonly, fingernails biting into the flesh of his shoulders, the muscles of her abdomen taut as she fought to keep the perfect position.

"Is that what you want?" Sonny asked huskily, teeth nipping at her lips as he spoke. "Tell me how bad you want it."

A smirk pulled at the corner of Amanda's mouth before she tangled her tongue with his. "Mm, yes," she breathed.

"Yes what?" he rumbled, the end of his provocative question punctuated by a hard thrust of his hips just before he stilled, clearly trying to torture her.

Trapped against the tiles, she wriggled in protest and let out a little gasp of frustration. Despite her desperation, she always found it incredibly sexy when he rendered her a little helpless. "Please..." When that didn't seem to be enough, Amanda whined breathlessly, emphatically, "please."

A smug grin took over his features before he gave in. He was just as undone as she was: his hips collided forcefully with hers even after she cried out her orgasm, using her body to chase his own release. It wasn't long before he was exhaling a string of curse words and praise into the crook of her neck, his muscles going rigid before they all went slack and satisfied. They remained tangled together for a few minutes, the only sound the rush of the shower and their rapid breathing, everything about the afterglow deliciously hot and slick. If Amanda's legs weren't screaming for relief from the position she had been holding, she could have stayed entwined with Sonny forever.

Bodies washed and towels wrapped around them, they made their way back into their bedroom. Sonny sunk down onto the edge of the bed as Amanda adjusted the fluffy white material underneath her arms. Then she straddled his lap, her knees resting on the mattress on either side of his thighs, her arms draped loosely around his neck. They kissed languidly, everything still warm and fuzzy around the edges from their shower. Eventually, they pulled apart, and she rested her forehead against his. Sonny's hands soothed up and down her legs beneath the fabric of her towel and Amanda reveled in it, still greedy for his touch, still needing to be as close to him as possible.

"Y'know what I was thinkin'?" Sonny said eventually.

Amanda toyed with the hair at the back of his neck. She felt his thumbs graze over her hipbones and she shivered. "Hm?"

"I think I'll go to church with my parents, before we all have dinner," he told her. "I haven't in awhile."

She nodded, their foreheads rubbing. "That's a good idea."

"Y'wanna come?" Sonny asked.

Usually, Amanda would have started laughing at his offer. Despite her years with Sonny, she still found organized religion to be creepy. Of course, on holidays she tagged along with his family begrudgingly, but otherwise she kept her distance. That day, though, she had a feeling that this was something Sonny needed. His faith was a huge part of his identity and she felt compelled to support it. Given the toll the last couple of weeks had taken on him, Amanda would do anything to make sure Sonny returned to the kind and patient person she always knew him to be. If God had to be involved in the process, so be it.

She gave him a gentle kiss on the lips. "Sure. We'll all go."


Church with three young children was work. Thankfully, since Amanda wasn't all that interested in paying attention, she could devote her energy to making sure nobody made too big of a scene. Toward the end of the hour-long service, all was calm: Jesse sat quietly between Amanda and Dominick Sr., Luca sat between his parents, and Ruby slept in Amanda's arms with the help of a well-timed bottle and pacifier. The pews of St. Clare's were packed with families, and when mass was over, they lingered inside of the church to socialize. While Sonny's parents drifted in one direction, they moved in another, soon stopped by the priest that had officiated the service that morning.

"Dominick!" Father Conti greeted Sonny enthusiastically, holding out a hand for him to shake. "It's so good to see you."

"You too, Father," Sonny agreed with a smile. "Great listenin' to you today."

The priest's eyes flickered curiously over the group hovering at Sonny's side. "Is this your family?"

"Yeah. Yeah, this is my wife, Amanda," Sonny explained eagerly, setting a hand on the small of Amanda's back.

Managing to hold Ruby in one arm, Amanda stuck out a free hand. "Hi."

"I've heard so much about you," Father Conti told her, giving her fingers a gentle squeeze. "It's nice to finally meet you, Amanda."

Are you surprised my presence hasn't caused this whole place to go up in flames?, Amanda thought to herself, trying her best to bite back a mischievous grin. "You too." She shifted the baby in her arms. "This here is Ruby."

"Oh, my, isn't she precious?" Father Conti cooed, peering down at Ruby.

"This is Jesse," Sonny went on, setting a hand on the little girl's shoulder. He indicated to the toddler next to Amanda, "and this is Luca."

Luca held onto Amanda's leg and shyly peeked out from behind it.

The priest smiled kindly at Sonny. "God's been good to you."

Sonny's hand returned to the small of Amanda's back as he nodded in agreement. "I know."


Sonny took three days off from SVU. It wasn't a lot, but it seemed to be rejuvenating enough. He looked less tired, the surliness that had hardened his features now gone. He was less guarded. When he and Amanda could steal private moments together, she listened to him talk about the anxiety and fear that continued to rent space in his head. A shadow still crossed Sonny's face when he spoke of that day, of what he had seen, but the light crept back in eventually. Sleep wasn't easy, but Amanda was relieved that he no longer retreated to the living room couch with a bottle of whiskey instead of laying beside her. Stubborn pride kept Sonny from pursuing therapy - something Amanda couldn't exactly judge him for, since she was still a relatively hesitant patient of Dr. Lindstrom's - but as long as he felt better, she didn't care how it happened.

On Thursday, from her spot at her desk, Amanda watched Dana hover at Liv's door with her suitcase at her side. She couldn't hear what they were talking about over the bustle of the squad room, but she assumed that they were saying their goodbyes. All of the visiting detectives were leaving that week, at various times. When Amanda watched Dana eventually disappear on the elevator, she thought she would feel relief, but instead there was a nagging concern pulling at her gut. Her gaze flickered over to Sonny's chair, which was empty. He had been on a case with Fin for hours. As subtly as possible, Amanda got up, wove through the bullpen and walked down three flights of stairs.

On the sidewalk in front of the precinct, she saw Dana looking down at her phone, most likely trying to call an Uber to catch her flight. Amanda found it incredibly annoying that even on her way to the airport, she looked like a model, all effortlessly cool and casual.

"Dana, hey," Amanda called to her. "Can I talk to you for a second?"

Dana looked up from her phone and turned around. Her eyes flitted over Amanda, her expression stoic. "Sure."

Standing in front of her, Amanda crossed her arms over her chest. She scrunched up her face a little, bracing herself for what she was about to say. "I wanted to ask you... not to reach out to Sonny."

The other woman raised both of her eyebrows in apparent surprise. "Huh?"

"If you have any respect for our marriage, you won't try to talk to him," she went on slowly.

"That's ridiculous," Dana laughed. "We've known each other for years. We have a connection."

White-hot jealousy rocketed through Amanda even though she had spent weeks attempting to suppress it. She had tried. She had really tried to be an adult about this woman's role in her husband's life. Now, she had reached her breaking point. She took a step closer to Dana, eyes narrow and icy. "Let's be perfectly clear, honey: we have a connection. He married me." She lowered her voice, a coy smirk tugging at her lips as she added quietly, sweetly, "and when he was inside of me last night, I can promise he wasn't thinkin' about you at all."

Her mouth agape and color rising in her cheeks, Dana was rendered speechless.

"Have a safe flight," Amanda concluded cheerfully before walking away.