AN: You asked for crazy...
there's nothing more cruel than being loved by everybody but you
"Mama? Mama, up now."
Amanda jerked awake at the sound of Luca's little voice. Eyes flying open, she saw the toddler standing by her side of the bed in his Mets pajamas, his bright blonde hair sticking up almost straight. He wasn't crying and he didn't look sick, he was simply watching her.
"Luca?" she said hoarsely. "What the - no. Go back to bed, it's -" she grappled for her phone to see it was four thirty in the morning, "- way too early."
He padded away, but only to move through the dim room to try Sonny's side of the bed inside. "Daddy, up now."
"Listen to your mother," she heard Sonny grumble into his pillow, his form unmoving beneath the sheets.
"Get up now," Luca repeated.
"It's too early, baby. Remember you're supposed to play nice and quiet..." Amanda pleaded, burrowing her body deeper into the blankets.
He didn't respond, and for a moment, Amanda thought that maybe he had listened to her. Then she felt movement at the end of their bed: Luca was clambering up the mattress and crawling across the comforter to settle in between his parents. Amanda sighed, defeated, but glad the little boy was at least being quiet as he rolled around. Just as she was about to close her eyes again, she heard Luca speak again.
"I tickle you," Luca said. "Tickle, tickle."
Rolling over, Amanda saw Luca wriggling his small fingers against Sonny's shoulder and the crook of his neck. Sonny twitched in surprise and wiggled away from the sensation. "Luca!" he groaned. "Come on, buddy..."
The toddler crawled over his father's frame to plop down in front of him. "Up now?"
"Yeah, I'm up now. I'm up." Heaving a sigh, Sonny flopped over onto his back. He glanced over at Amanda in the dark as Luca began to climb him like a human jungle gym. "This is turning into a problem."
"He's just... I think he gets freaked out, being in his room alone all night," she explained.
Luca slid off of Sonny's chest to snuggle into his side instead, a thumb in his mouth, his other hand reaching out for Amanda. Sonny ruffled the little boy's hair and yawned. "I know, I know."
Sliding closer, Amanda toyed with Luca's fingers, running a thumb across his knuckles before kissing them. "My mother used to put brandy in milk when I was a kid and couldn't sleep. Sometimes when Jesse was really little and wouldn't stop crying, I used to think about doing that, too."
"Are you suggestin' we start mixin' Luca cocktails?" Sonny chuckled, eyes closed.
Amanda grinned, grateful that Sonny's sense of humor had returned - even at four thirty in the morning. "What do you think, Lu?" she asked the two and a half year old playfully. "How about a nice Old Fashioned? Your mama makes a great one."
The bedroom door creaked open, revealing Jesse. She was in her pajamas, too, with her stuffed bunny hanging from her hand by the floppy ear. "Mama? Dad?"
"Jesse?" Sonny said, eyes opening as he lifted his head from his pillow. "What are you doin' up so early?"
"I waked up," Jesse explained, coming over to Amanda's side. "Can I lay with you?"
She sighed and rolled onto her back, too tired to put up a fight. "Alright, come on in."
Jesse climbed in over her mother, settling herself between her brother and Amanda.
"So, the only kid in their own bed is the one who can't walk, huh?" Sonny observed wearily.
"Don't jinx it," Amanda mumbled as the five-year-old wiggled beneath the sheets, unable to stay still for more than a few seconds.
After a few more minutes of talking and wriggling around, the room went quiet and the bodies in Amanda and Sonny's bed drifted off to sleep. Amanda eventually woke up again - just a few minutes before her alarm went off. Carefully, she slipped out of the room to change Ruby, then toted her back into the bedroom. Everybody was exactly as she had left them moments earlier: Sonny was asleep on his side, an arm slung over Luca's belly, and Jesse was curled up beside her brother. Amanda smiled, tired but appreciative of the sight all of the people she loved safe and warm in one bed. Leaning in with Ruby on her hip, she gently kissed Jesse's temple, then Luca's forehead, and finally the corner of Sonny's mouth. "Time to get up."
Sonny groaned, rolled onto his back and flung a forearm over his eyes dramatically. Luca popped up immediately, disheveled but as energized as ever as he sat between his father and sister. Jesse grumbled incoherently and wiggled over to her mother's side of the bed.
"C'mon, daddy," Amanda cooed, plopping the five-month-old in between Sonny and Luca. "Up."
"A few more minutes, c'mon," Sonny begged. "I only just fell asleep."
"Sonny, I've been late all week, Liv's gonna kill me," she reminded him.
"So? At least you're consistent," he smirked.
Amanda rolled her eyes and opened her mouth to challenge him again, but before she could, Sonny was yanking at her arm. He caught her by such surprise that he was able to pull her down on top of him. "Sonny!" she yelped as her frame encountered his, chest to chest, his limbs entangling with hers to prevent her from escaping.
Jesse and Luca both began to laugh uncontrollably, and soon their little bodies were flung atop of Amanda's, creating a wriggling, giggling pile. Ruby was strong enough to lift her head an arms while on her stomach, and she reached out little fingers to grab at the sleeve of Sonny's t-shirt. With the arm closest to her, he pulled the baby closer into his side so she could be part of the action.
"You're trapped!" Jesse squealed, sitting on Amanda's back and bouncing up and down gleefully.
Luca imitated his sister's behavior. "Got you!"
"Carisi sandwich!" Sonny exclaimed.
"Guys, come on..." she pleaded uselessly, laughter punctuating her words despite her protesting. Ruby reached up and pulled at her hair, cooing and giggling.
Sonny made a show of yawning, then stretching his arms out and bending them casually beneath his head. "I could stay here all day."
"Yeah! All day!" Jesse echoed.
"Oh yeah?" Amanda quirked a mischievous eyebrow. Reaching behind her, she began to tickle both the children sitting on her, prompting them to shriek with laughter and wriggle off of her. She rolled over and pounced on them, one set of fingers in the crook of Jesse's neck and the other on Luca's belly. "How about now, huh?" she taunted them as she tickled, grinning at their flailing and breathless giggling. "Y'wanna stay here all day now?"
"Daddy, help!" Jesse cried through her laughter.
"Oh, no, I'm afraid I can't," Sonny told her solemnly despite his grin, sitting up with the baby in his arms and shaking his head. "Then she'd tickle me, too."
One set of Amanda's fingers dangled from Sonny's as they walked through Queens that afternoon. She had never been one for hand-holding until she met him, but over the years she had grown to find it comforting. He had always been the more physically affectionate one, and while Amanda liked to pretend their relationship hadn't changed her, she finally admitted defeat after two years of marriage. Yes, he had made her just a little softer around the edges, and no, it didn't make her less strong or confident or capable. She could be all of those things at once.
Dana had left for Los Angeles yesterday, but neither of them brought up her departure. Amanda didn't want to devote any more mental energy to her; she felt satisfied that she was able to get the last word, even if that was petty. Her biggest concern was Sonny, who seemed to be steadily returning to his old self. A day ago, she had overheard him apologizing to Jesse - who, in typical little kid form, had already forgotten about their terse interaction. It made Amanda smile with relief anyway, because that was the Sonny she knew.
"What exactly is Jesse doin' after school again?" Sonny asked Amanda curiously.
"Yoga," Amanda answered.
He raised his eyebrows in confusion. "Wha?"
"Yoga," Amanda repeated, as if it should have been obvious. "One of the teachers is holding a weekly class for the kindergarteners and first graders. They are gonna practice poses and breathing and mindfulness..."
"That's the yuppiest shit I have ever heard," Sonny scoffed, blue eyes bright with amusement.
"It is not yuppy," she insisted. "She used to go with me all the time. Plus, I've got this theory that it'll help her with t-ball. You know how she gets all worked up whenever she's goin' to bat..."
"What, is she gonna meditate in the dugout?" he joked.
"Maybe," she replied haughtily. "Tons of professional athletes do it, you know."
"She's already a great player."
"You're a little biased."
"No way. As the coach, I'm tellin' ya, some of those kids can't even walk in a straight line, let alone hit a ball." He glanced over at her. "What time is the class over?"
Amanda looked down at her watch. "An hour."
"I'll go get her with Frannie," he offered. "She'll need a walk anyway. Then we can pick up dinner on the way back."
"That new Spanish place on 36th?" she suggested.
Lifting their entwined hands, he kissed the back of hers. "Sure."
On the front step of their home, Sonny pulled his keys from his pocket and let them inside. They were greeted first by Frannie, her tail wagging furiously behind her, and the distinct sound of Ruby crying upstairs. Fluffy appeared soon after, meowing at their feet.
"Audrey?" Amanda called, looking around as Sonny shut the door behind them. "Luca?"
"Where is everybody?" Sonny wondered curiously.
"I dunno..." She began to climb the stairs toward the sound of her daughter. Pushing open Ruby's door, Amanda found the baby in her crib, red-faced and loud, as if she had been crying for attention for awhile. She quickly reached in and picked the baby up, holding her close to her body as she rocked back and forth. "Shh, it's alright," she soothed, a palm circling against Ruby's back. After a minute of affection, her wails morphed into more manageable whimpers. Amanda carried the baby out into the hall just as Sonny came up the steps, his brow furrowed in concern.
"Luca?" he called before he opened up the toddler's bedroom door.
Amanda hovered close behind Sonny to find that everything in Luca's room appeared undisturbed. Sonny turned to her, looking worried, and just as his mouth opened to speak, there was a distinct rattling sound from Luca's closet. The wooden sliding doors trembled with the force of whatever was creating the noise. Simultaneously they rushed over, and when Sonny yanked open the panels, they found Audrey on the floor with duct tape over her mouth, her wrists bound behind her back and her feet held together with zip ties. Her brown eyes were wide with terror.
"Jesus! Audrey!" Sonny exclaimed, crouching down to pull the tape from her face. He quickly reached for his keys in his pocket, using the little Swiss Army knife that hung from them to slice through what bound her feet and wrists.
"What the hell happened? Are you okay?" Amanda asked frantically. She spun around, giving the space a once-over again. "Where is Luca?"
"S-she, she had a gun!" Audrey sputtered as Sonny helped her to her feet. "She just, forced her way in here and-"
"Who did?" she demanded, grabbing Audrey's forearm to steady her. "Where is Luca?"
"She took him!" Audrey cried. "The door bell rang... and I, I came downstairs to answer it, she... she showed me her gun and t-told me to stay quiet. She didn't tell me anything, she just kept telling me to shut up. I don't know her, I've never seen her, I am, I'm so sorry, I -"
"What did she look like?" Sonny interrupted her loudly, apparently still able to speak. Amanda, on the other hand, couldn't say or hear anything over the sound of her pulse pounding loudly and rapidly in her ears.
"Tall. Blonde." Tears rolled freely down Audrey's cheeks as she lifted one shaky hand to rub the reddened skin around her mouth. "I thought she was gonna shoot me, or the kids. I couldn't stop her," she moaned. "She held the g-gun to my head, led me up here and, and she tied me up and put me in the closet. I didn't see what she did or where she took him or anything... I heard Ruby crying while she was trying to talk to her and calm her down. I think she tried to take her, but got frustrated that she wouldn't be quiet..."
A sudden realization made Amanda feel like she had been pulled underwater by a violent undertow. Everything was blurry and suffocating, her panic making it hard to do anything but stand upright with her youngest child in her arms - and even that was a challenge. "Dana," Amanda said in a strangled whisper. "It's Dana."
Audrey's brow furrowed. "Who?"
"Sonny's ex-girlfriend, she's... I knew she was jealous, but..." She started to struggle for air, her breathing quick and erratic from her mounting terror. "Sonny, call her! Now!"
He looked a combination of shocked and frightened as her words registered. He fumbled for his phone in his pocket. "She left for LA yesterday, I-"
"Who else could it be? Sonny, I know it's her!" Amanda cried, the sharp desperation in her voice causing Ruby to whine. "I know she has Luca!"
Phone pressed tightly to his ear, Sonny began to pace. "Her phone is off. The number... it's disconnected," he breathed. He began to quickly thumb through the screen. "I'm callin' my guy at TSA."
Amanda tugged at her lower lip with her free hand, her entire body beginning to tremble. "Oh my God, oh my God..."
"Hey, it's Carisi," Sonny said into the phone. "I need you to do me a favor... no, no I need it right now... listen, I need you to check if a Dana Sinclair flew outta JFK either yesterday or today."
Audrey wrapped her arms tightly around herself and bowed her head, tears dripping onto her shirt.
"Audrey, it's okay, it's alright," Amanda whispered, her palm moving to rub the younger woman's back as she tried her best to soothe her through her own terror. She felt numb, like her limbs were moving on their own accord.
"Why would she do this?" Audrey wondered despondently.
Chewing on her lower lip, Amanda couldn't find her voice to reply. Flashes of her last interaction with Dana flitted through her brain - the insistent tone of Dana's voice, the look of shock and anger that had taken over her features when Amanda had asserted her dominance - and she couldn't help but wonder if this was retaliation. Amanda knew she was envious and hurt, but it never occurred to her that she could be dangerous.
"Nobody. Nobody by that name has boarded a plane outta JFK," Sonny concluded. "He's gonna put out an alert for her..." He carded a hand through his hair, still moving around the room erratically. "I can't believe this. I had no idea. I had no idea she'd... that she was..." He couldn't seem to finish his thought.
"I talked to her. I talked to her before she left," Amanda admitted breathlessly.
Sonny stood still. His eyes went wide, then they narrowed.
"All I did was ask her not to contact you anymore," she explained. "That's it."
"Did you argue?"
"No! I'm sure she was pissed at me, but it wasn't some big thing. Maybe I was a little... explicit..." she went on, then added hastily, "but we didn't fight. She didn't yell, I didn't yell. It was a five minute interaction."
"Okay, we can't... it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter," Sonny babbled like he was trying to convince himself, resuming his pacing with his hands on his hips.
Amanda couldn't focus on anything Sonny was saying. She wished he would stay in one place, because his frenzied movement only served to fuel her own agitation. Reaching into her back pocket, she pulled out her phone. "I'm callin' Liv."
"Here, I'll take her," Audrey offered softly, reaching for Ruby to take her into her arms.
"Rollins, what's up?" Liv answered Amanda's call after just one ring.
"We need your help," she blurted. "Luca's gone."
There was a brief pause before Liv responded, "what?"
"Sonny and I just got home. Audrey was, somebody forced their way in with a gun, tied her up and put her in the closet. And Luca is gone. He's gone."
"Oh my God-"
"I know who did it. It's Dana."
"Dana? Detective Sinclair?" Liv exclaimed incredulously. "What the hell are you-"
"Liv, can you just... can you come here, please? I'll explain it when you get here," Amanda interrupted forcefully.
"I, yeah. I'm coming right now," Liv told her before hanging up.
"Dana's an ex-girlfriend of mine," Sonny explained to Liv.
They stood in their now-crowded living room, uniformed officers hovering around them. Sonny balanced Ruby on his hip while Amanda kept her arms tightly crossed, as if she was trying to physically keep herself together. After positively identifying Dana and giving her statement, Audrey had offered to go meet Jesse at school. She would then drop her off at their neighbors' house in order to spare the little girl from the chaos.
"She is?" Liv quirked an eyebrow. "From when?"
"Years ago. Before I came to Manhattan," he told her quickly. "She uh, well I didn't realize she still had feelings for me until she sorta... said something to me a couple weeks ago-"
"What?" Liv and Amanda exclaimed in unison, both of them equally surprised.
"No, no," Sonny insisted frantically. "It was just, she was sort of implyin' that she thought we were meant to be together, even after all this time-"
"She is such a crazy bitch!" Amanda spat. A fresh wave of anger washed over her, a momentary distraction from her panic. "When were you gonna tell me about this?"
"It didn't seem important!" he moaned. "I just figured she was, y'know, clueless or somethin'."
Liv put a hand out to stop them from getting into an unnecessary argument. She looked Sonny in the eye as she asked, "do you really think she is capable of something like this?"
His Adam's apple bobbed in his throat as he swallowed hard. "I have no idea," he admitted quietly. "She's always been... I dunno, a good girl. A good cop. I never knew her to even break a rule, let alone... this..."
"There's something else," Amanda added in a mumble.
Liv rounded on the younger woman. "What?"
"I talked to her before she left."
"What did you say?"
"I asked her not to reach out to Sonny again. I just... I made it clear that she doesn't have a place in his life."
"Amanda..."
"I didn't threaten her!"
"Still-"
"Liv, come on," Amanda pleaded. "She's been sidling up to him this whole time, especially after PS 77. I tried to be nice to her but she wasn't havin' it. I bit my tongue this whole time but... you're tellin' me you could just stand by and watch something like that? I sure as hell couldn't." She pulled in a deep breath and lowered her voice, her throat tightening with emotion as she croaked, "I didn't know she was gonna... I knew she was jealous, but... I never would have said anything if I had known she would, that she was crazy enough to... to take my kid..." Speaking the words out loud caused hot tears to spring to her eyes and her lower lip began to quiver. She chewed on it, hard, in hopes that the sharp sting of her teeth would ground her. It wasn't enough; her fear was now etched into all the features of her face.
Sonny moved closer to her, his free arm encircling her shoulders to pull her protectively into his side. "It's alright. It's gonna be alright," he murmured.
Liv's expression softened. "It's not your fault, Amanda," she assured her. "There's absolutely no excuse for this. I've already put out an ABP. All airports are covered and TSA knows, plus Fin is alerting the Department of Transportation. If she leaves the city, we'll know." She looked at Sonny again and asked, "is there anywhere you can think she would go to?"
"I dunno... you gotta believe me, she and I... it's not like we're close. I'd hear from her every now and again but our relationship ended years ago," Sonny replied weakly. "I mean... she's from Staten Island. I know where her folks live. It's, ah, in Lighthouse Hill. 1734 Moore Street, right around the corner from my parents. But she's too smart, Lieu. She wouldn't go there."
"Are you sure?" Liv challenged.
"I mean... no. No, I'm not sure."
"We need to get in touch with her parents in case she's talked to them."
"My mother. They all still go to the same church. She's got their numbers."
Liv entered something into her phone. "I'm going to go over there myself."
"I'll go, too," Sonny insisted, about to hand Ruby off to Amanda.
"No," Liv said curtly, putting a hand out again. She glanced between the two of them, facial expression stern. "Both of you stay here. Sonny, she could call you, so stay by your phone. I'll have TARU tap in just in case she isn't smart enough to use a burner."
Amanda wanted to protest. She wanted to - but she felt as if all the energy she possessed had been stamped out by her overwhelming worry. She was nauseated and foggy; she could hear everyone talking but it was hard for her to focus on the actual words. She had never been less sharp, less like a police officer, than she was in that very moment. In fact, she feared that if she wasn't standing so close to Sonny, she would have simply wilted to the floor.
"Okay," she heard herself reply, her own voice an echo in her head.
"Promise me. Promise me you'll both stay right here," Liv demanded of them.
"I'll stay. We'll stay," Sonny told the lieutenant, an edge of irritation in his voice. "We promise."
Amanda leaned the side of her head against the cool glass of a living room window. The road outside of their small Astoria home was dark now, illuminated by street lamps and the glow from neighboring houses. In front of their gate sat an unmarked NYPD vehicle, waiting for any sign of activity that could signify Dana's return. Jesse was with her friend Robbie next door, while Ruby slept in her room.
The hours since Luca had been taken had ticked by without any news. Amanda had barely left the living room, phone clutched painfully tight in her hand, feet pacing the floor as she obsessively checked the time. In an abduction, every minute a child was gone meant there was less and less chance of relocating them alive - and Luca had been missing for five and a half hours now. Amanda trusted Liv - she knew the lieutenant was leading all of their colleagues in an extensive and exhaustive search - but she felt incredibly helpless. She had fleeting urges to leave, to take matters into her own hands, but she was so muddled with anxiety that she wasn't even sure what she could do. All of the skills she possessed as a detective felt out of her reach now; she was merely a terrified mother.
Sonny couldn't stop moving. He was downstairs, outside, upstairs, then downstairs again. His brow was creased, his hands were on his hips, through his hair, thrumming against the kitchen countertop. Even though it was as if he was only just barely containing a combustable amount of energy, he was mostly silent. When he finally sat down on the living room couch, Amanda only heard him release a weary exhale.
She kept her head against the glass and her arms around her body. She watched a family walk leisurely down the dark sidewalk: a young boy wearing a bicycle helmet was pushing himself along on a scooter ahead of who she presumed to be his parents. The painfully normal sight made Amanda feel like a fist had suddenly and aggressively squeezed around her heart. Fingers toyed anxiously with the bump of scar tissue at her collarbone. "Remember when Luca was born?"
"Of course I do," she heard Sonny answer her.
"He looked just like you," she recalled softly. She pulled her lower lip in between her teeth as she remembered the moment she had first held Luca in her arms. The thought of labor and delivery was all a haze now, but she would never forget what it was like to meet her second child. "You were so happy... I remember thinkin' how old fashioned it was, being kinda proud that I was able to give you a little boy. A son," she whispered, her voice catching in her throat at the memory, at the reality of the situation that they were in now. Finally turning around, Amanda looked over at Sonny. His head was bowed, and she didn't have to see his face to know exactly what it looked like. "I really didn't know, Sonny," she insisted huskily. "I didn't know talking to her was gonna set her off. You know I would never, ever do anything to put our family at risk..."
Sonny lifted his head, frowned, then rose to his feet. He moved to Amanda's side and his arm went around her waist. "Hey, 'Manda. It's okay, it's alright," he assured her quietly. "You don't have to apologize. This isn't your fault, babe."
"I'm just, you know how he's been lately," she went on, a tremulous hand lifting to rub her forehead, eyes still focused out the window. Tears spilled down her cheeks freely now, too exhausted and frightened to try to contain her distress any longer. "Ever since Ruby was born and I had to stay in the hospital, he's been so attached to me, to us, and now... I bet he's so scared. And his asthma. If he gets all upset and he starts having trouble breathing... I will never forgive myself, Sonny. I will never forgive myself if he's not okay-"
"Amanda, stop. Please, don't think like that," Sonny pleaded. After a minute, he suddenly pulled away from her, throwing his hands up in the air as he walked away. "I am gonna figure this out."
His abrupt departure startled her. She turned and watched him as he snatched his coat off of the hook. "What are you doing?"
"I'm goin' down to the precinct," he said simply, pulling on his jacket and grabbing his badge from the kitchen island.
"Sonny, no." Amanda charged toward him, trailing him as he moved around the house to collect his wallet and keys. "You may be able to convince Liv, but if Dodds finds out-"
"I don't give a damn about Dodds!" Sonny shouted, stopping in front of the door to look at her in angry desperation. "Dana is... she's... I've gotta take care of this. It's my attention she wants. I can't just sit here and, and not do anything while she's off God knows where with Luca."
Amanda swallowed hard; the worry and protectiveness radiating off of Sonny was palpable. "Baby..." she began softly, slowly reaching out for the lapel of his jacket. "There's nothing-"
"Don't tell me there's nothing I can do. Don't," Sonny interrupted her angrily, hands flying as he spoke, "the only reason any of this is happenin' is because of me. I shoulda known. I shoulda known she would twist any interactions we had into something meanin' more than it did. I should have realized she was fucking nuts."
His tone was brash and irritable, but Amanda knew it was because he was hurting. She had been so busy blaming herself that she hadn't realized that Sonny was doing the very same thing. "You couldn't have known," she insisted helplessly, quickly wiping away more tears from her eyes. "I know you, I know you were just trying to be kind to her."
"Yeah, well, some good that did," he replied bitterly. He breezed past her, heading directly for the front door. "I'm goin', Amanda."
Frustrated, she squeezed her eyes shut as her hands gripped her skull. "Sonny..." When she heard the door open, she turned on her heel and ran toward it just to see him bounding down the front steps. "Sonny, come on!" she called after him from the top stair. He kept walking, his long legs carrying him toward the gate and onto the sidewalk as if he hadn't heard her.
"Carisi!" Amanda shouted into the night air, her voice cracking from strain.
"I'll call you," she heard Sonny say from the curb before he disappeared around the corner.
