only love can hurt like this
Two years earlier.
The silky satin fabric of Amanda's wedding dress shone in the warm glow of the lights strung around the Stone Mill's expansive patio. The night air in April was cool, but her flushed skin welcomed the drop in temperature. She peered over the wrought iron railing to watch the Bronx river bubbling over jagged rocks, but she couldn't hear the rush of the water over the party happening inside. Her party. Even though her cheeks were sore from smiling all day, another one pulled at her lips once more.
Self-indulgently, Amanda held out her left hand to admire her wedding set: two thin yellow gold bands, one adored with a simple oval diamond. It was still hard to believe that she was looking at her finger. Admiring her jewelry as if hypnotized, she teetered on the tall heels of her shoes, tipsy off of an abundance of champagne and whiskey. She let out a little giggle of surprise before she began tilting her hand slightly one way then another, trying to see what angle made the precious stone glimmer more impressively.
"Don't lose those in the river."
Amanda whirled around at the familiar sound of Sonny's voice. He stood before her on the patio, a bottle of beer dangling from one hand, his light gray suit vest unbuttoned over his crisp white button-down. His sleeves were rolled up to the elbows, too, a sure sign that he no longer gave a damn about his ensemble. Amanda drank in the sight of his pink cheeks and messy hair and couldn't help but grin again.
Leaning her back against the railing, she pressed her left palm to her chest and covered it with the other, protecting the rings. "I won't."
Sonny walked toward her, closing the space between them to kiss her. His free hand roamed over her waist, palm slipping easy against the silken fabric. "Man, my wife is beautiful," he murmured as he rested his forehead against hers.
She scrunched up her nose, the word wife sending an excited shiver down her spine. "That's so weird."
"You're weird," he quipped childishly.
Reaching up, Amanda draped her arms around his neck. "You're my husband," she remarked, her tone of surprise suggesting that she had only just figured that detail out.
Sonny chuckled. "Yeah, I am." Lifting his head, he kissed her again.
She grazed gentle fingers along the smooth surface of Sonny's cheek. "Thank you for all this."
His brow creased in confusion as he took a sip of his beer, body still pressed close to hers. "For what? All I did was put this suit on and show up."
"No, I mean for..." Amanda scrunched up her nose again and squinted, trying to organize her thoughts. "Your parents and your sisters and... all these random cousins I'll never remember the name of..." She smiled softly as she added, "for Luca."
"Well, the Luca part was my pleasure," Sonny smirked.
"I'm bein' serious!" she laughed, giving his shoulder a playful slap. Meeting his eyes, she chewed on her lower lip, feeling almost bashful as she continued, "I never understood what made family all that special till... till you showed me."
A wide smile took over Sonny's features, his blue eyes bright with obvious adoration. Leaning in, he kissed her forehead, then the tip of her nose. "Thanks for lettin' me."
She held the lapels of his open vest in each hand as her mouth met his languidly, tasting the beer on his tongue, smelling the familiar scent of his skin combined with his cologne. "Come on," she murmured against his lips, a set of fingertips trailing down his chest to find his empty hand. "Come dance with your wife."
Still wearing a goofy grin, Sonny's fingers curled around hers as he allowed Amanda to lead him back inside the bustling reception area. The band introduced another song, something slow and smooth, and she pulled Sonny out onto the floor the moment he abandoned his beer bottle. Body pressed flush with his, Amanda hung an arm around his neck as his palm rested against her lower back. They kept their other hands entwined as they moved together in an easy sway. Amanda was keenly aware of the eyes on them; their wedding guests had watched their every move all night. She likened it to being a strange type of temporary celebrity.
Tilting her chin up slightly, Amanda scrunched her nose as she met Sonny's eyes, her own twinkling with mischief. "Everybody is looking at us."
"I know," he nodded with a lopsided smile, fingers squeezing hers. "You hate that."
She shrugged her slim shoulders. "S'okay..." Bumping her nose affectionately against her husband's, she murmured truthfully, "it's okay like this."
When Sonny burst into the busy squad room, Liv was perched on the edge of Amanda's desk, surrounded by uniformed officers. Her eyes went wide as the detective charged toward his desk, as if she couldn't believe what she was seeing.
"Carisi, what the hell are you doing here?" she demanded, yanking off her glasses and standing up straight. The officers that had hovered around her skittered away.
"I can't sit at home," he confessed, shaking off his coat and tossing it onto his chair.
"Well, you've got to," Liv insisted, hands on her hips. "Look around, Carisi. Every officer in this precinct is working on this, but you can't be. This is your son. Your judgement is off, it's too personal. You have to go home - and that's an order."
Swallowing hard, Sonny met the lieutenant's gaze. Her features were stern, which was typically enough to cow him into obeying her. He had the utmost respect for Liv - she wasn't just his commanding officer, she had become one of his heroes - but that night he didn't feel his typical pull to be obedient. "No."
Liv suddenly looked as if she had been hit over the head with something very heavy. She was used to Amanda's insubordination, not Sonny's. "What?"
"I said no," he repeated, tone bolder than how he felt. He quickly moved closer to her as he went on hastily, "with all due respect, Lieu, you know exactly what it feels like to not know where your kid is, to be worried about what's happenin' to him. You couldn't sit back and let other people-"
"Carisi, that's not relevant here," she interrupted curtly, clearly unwilling to engage in that particular topic.
Lowering his voice, Sonny pleaded, "Liv, Amanda is fallin' apart. I've never seen her this way. I can't just... watch it." He let his hands fall uselessly at his sides. "At least if I'm here I feel like I'm doin' something, like I'm helpin'. Please."
Liv's stare threatened to bore a hole straight through him. She was silent for what seemed like a lifetime; Sonny could practically see the gears in her mind turning. "Alright. In my office. Now," she finally concluded before stalking away.
Sonny followed her eagerly, long legs carrying him into her office right at her heels. While Liv sunk into her desk chair, Sonny was too anxious to sit down. He crossed his arms tightly over his chest and hovered instead.
"Maybe it's good you're here," the lieutenant sighed. "We haven't gotten anywhere. If Sinclair left the state, she must have teleported, because there's no evidence of her going anywhere by plane, train or car." She looked frazzled, and while Sonny appreciated her obvious emotional investment in the situation, he wasn't feeling encouraged. "Where did you two meet?"
"The Academy," he replied.
"How was your relationship?" Liv wondered.
"It was fine." He started to pace. "We never fought. I mean, at the end we did-"
"About what?" she interrupted.
"She wanted me to move to Los Angeles with her," Sonny explained weakly, eyes on the floor as he moved back and forth. "I said 'no,' obviously. Then she wanted to try a long distance thing and I just... I dunno. I was startin' law school, I couldn't imagine balancin' it all..." Pausing, he glanced over at his lieutenant. "I always knew she wasn't the one, y'know? But, now I'm thinkin' that maybe I was that, to her."
"I know I've asked you this but, can you think of any place she would go?" she pressed him. "Any place at all? Maybe somewhere that meant something to you two? A place you guys would go together?"
Liv was asking him all of the same questions Sonny often posed when he was working a missing persons case. Sometimes he got frustrated with a collateral contact's difficulty remembering, their muddled emotional responses - but now he understood just how hard it was to recall details when you were distracted by terror. "I... no. I mean, I was broke, she was broke... we cooked at my place a lot, or at hers..." Sonny rambled, exasperated. "Every few months, if we could coordinate it and the weather was good, we'd go to my uncle's place on the Jersey shore, in Tom's River. But my uncle's been dead four years now and my family hasn't really done anything with the place since..."
She picked up a pen. "Do you remember the address?"
"Yeah," he nodded. "Yeah, it's, uh... 3 Dock Street..."
Liv scrawled down the location on her desk blotter, then picked up her phone again. "I'm going to contact the department up there and have them check the place out. It's a stretch, but we can't leave any stone unturned, and it's possible she was able to leave the city way before you guys even got home."
Sonny cracked open a can of Coke in the break room, desperate for the caffeine. He was exhausted despite the fact that he felt like he hadn't been able to do anything at all. Of course, he would never be able to actually rest - not with his precious son missing - and he would stay awake for days if it meant ensuring the little boy's safe return. Just as he was about to take a sip of soda, Sonny's phone buzzed in his pocket. Abandoning the can on the table, he frantically fumbled for the device to see Amanda's name across the screen.
"Hey. Are you okay?" he answered the call anxiously, his pulse beginning to pound with concern.
"Yeah, everything is fine here," Amanda replied. "I'm just... I'm just worried."
Sonny exhaled. "I know..." Sinking into a chair, he toyed with the tab of the Coke can. "Is Jesse home?"
"Yeah, she's back now," she told him, sounding distracted. "Your mother is coming over."
"Okay, yeah, good," he nodded. "That's good."
"Sonny, I feel sick," Amanda whispered. "I don't know what to do here. I am, I'm scared outta my mind. Every second he's gone-"
"I know, 'Manda. I know," he interjected gently. He felt like he was being repeatedly punched in the stomach. "I'm tryin'. I've been racking my brain, tryin' to think of any place she could be..."
"What if we never find him?" she went on despondently, her voice now thick with tears. "What if he becomes like all those other kids we see on NCMEC? How are we supposed to, how are we gonna..." She let out a strangled sob, unable to finish her sentence.
His elbow resting on the table, he dropped his forehead into his hand, overwhelmed by his own helplessness. "You can't think like that."
"I can't help it," Amanda snapped sharply. "How can you be so calm with one of kids missin'?"
"I'm not calm!" he exclaimed, annoyed by the insinuation. "I'm just tryin' to keep a level head here. It's not gonna help if both of us are worked up."
He heard Amanda let out a shaky sigh on the other end of the phone. After a moment of quiet, she croaked, "I just want him back."
"We're gonna get him back," Sonny insisted with a certainty he didn't really possess. He squeezed the bridge of his nose and screwed his eyes shut in a feeble effort to manage his own anxiety. "Just, I need you to be there for Jesse and Ruby, okay?" he went on quietly. "Lieu's pissed I'm here. She's not gonna be happy if you show up, too."
"I'm trying, I'm not goin' anywhere... it's just... if it weren't for the kids bein' here, I'd fucking..."
"I know." He knew her well enough to understood what she was implying: if their other children hadn't needed her, she would be conducting a manhunt herself.
"If she harms a hair on Luca's head, I'll kill her," Amanda breathed menacingly. "You know I will. If she thinks she's gonna get away with this..."
"She's not gettin' away with anything," Sonny asserted, suddenly going hot with his own anger. "Over my dead body is she gettin' away with this."
There was rustling on the other end of the line. "The baby's up," Amanda said wearily. "I dunno why. I gotta go check on her."
"I'll call you soon, babe," he told her quietly. "I promise, it's all gonna be okay."
"Don't... don't say that."
"Why not?"
She released an unsteady breath. "'Cause if it isn't okay, that makes you a liar."
"Amanda?"
Amanda was jerked suddenly out of her trance. She looked away from the window she had been staring blankly out of to see Sonny's mother walking toward her across the living room. "Hm?"
"You should eat something," Mrs. Carisi suggested gently, hovering at her side. "Do you want me to heat up a plate from dinner for you?"
"No. Thanks." Amanda shook her head. "I don't think I can."
Mrs. Carisi nodded slowly. "Well, the baby's asleep. Jesse's in her pajamas, playin' with her dolls in her room. She knows she's gotta go to bed soon."
Amanda offered the older woman a weak smile. "Thank you."
Eyes flickering to the phone in her daughter-in-law's grip, Mrs. Carisi asked, "anything?"
She shook her head again. Pulling in a deep breath, she dragged her free fingers through her hair, dislodging some of it from her sloppy ponytail. "I just keep thinking... if I was here... " Amanda eventually trailed off in a whisper. She swallowed hard as she gathered her thoughts. "This isn't Audrey's fault. I love her. For the past five years she's been so much more than a sitter to me, to us. But I can't help but think, if I was here with them, if I didn't have to have somebody else look after them all the time..."
"You can't, Amanda. You can't work like you do and watch three kids full time. That's ridiculous," Mrs. Carisi insisted.
"That's the thing, though. That's what gets me," she went on weakly. "Am I being selfish, holding on so hard to my career? Is it unfair to my kids to spend most of their time with a sitter? Am I, am I not doin' right by them?" She felt her eyes well up and she squeezed them shut, hoping to stave off the tears. "If I had just been here with my own kids, where I'm supposed to be... maybe I could have stopped this. Maybe it never would have happened at all."
"You don't know that," Mrs. Carisi said, settling a comforting hand on Amanda's back. "Everybody has their own circumstances. Everybody parents differently. There's no right way."
"Yeah, well, I'm pretty sure lettin' your kid get abducted is the wrong way," she sneered, the heel of her palm rubbing at one of her eyes roughly.
"This is a terrible situation," Sonny's mother whispered after a moment of silence. "I know Dominick's goin' out of his mind with worry at home, he's beside himself. We all are." She sighed. "You know... I remember one of the very first times Sonny told me about you. I remember him saying, 'she's like superwoman. She does everything.' He's exactly right, but this... this, even superwoman couldn't have seen coming."
Amanda felt her lower lip begin to tremble. Her brows furrowed with the effort not to cry as she kept her gaze focused out of the window.
"Sit down, would you?" she went on to suggest, nudging her. "You're gonna burn a hole right through this nice carpet."
Too tired to argue, Amanda moved to drop down onto the couch, her body heavy as she sunk into the cushions. Mrs. Carisi sat down close beside her and set a hand on her daughter-in-law's knee. "I'm prayin' as hard as I can," she promised Amanda. "That little boy is the light of our life. All of your kids are. Ruby is just the sweetest and Jesse, she is so clever and feisty, just like her mother."
Despite her sadness, Amanda let out a little huff of laughter at the comparison. "I dunno if that's a good thing."
"It's a great thing." She squeezed Amanda's knee. "This... this is the ultimate test of faith. And I know you, I know you're always thinkin' the worst-"
"I can't help that, all I ever see is the worst," Amanda interrupted wearily.
"I know, I know," Mrs. Carisi soothed. "And that must be really hard for you. But I've seen a lot of good, and I've witnessed a few miracles. There's no reason this can't be one of them."
"Where's this picture from?" Liv asked from her spot perched on the edge of Sonny's desk. In her hand she held a framed photograph of Jesse and Luca, the two children grinning widely as they clung to one another in front of the side of a classic red barn.
"Oh, that?" Sonny looked up from his scribbles - he had been funneling his anxious energy into doodling nonsensically all over his note pad. "Last fall, from some pumpkin patch in Long Island Amanda found online." He added sheepishly, "I just liked the picture 'cause the two of them are hugging, instead of rippin' out chunks of each other's hair."
Liv offered him a small smile as she set the photograph back down carefully. "You're good parents, the both of you."
"Thanks, Lieu," he murmured, flattered even despite his worry.
Fin appeared seemingly out of no where, breathless, his phone in his hand. He looked between the lieutenant and Sonny. "Carisi, your uncle's place... you said nobody's been living there for years?"
"Yeah. Not since my uncle died." Leaning back in his chair, he fiddled with his pen. "My ma still hasn't been able to face cleaning it all out," he explained grimly.
"According to Tom's River PD, the infrared says there's people inside," Fin said. "Two, maybe three."
Shocked, Sonny's blood went cold as his pen fell from his fingers.
Liv jumped to her feet. "Are they sure? We've gotta get over there, now." She reached for her own phone in her pocket as she ordered, "Fin, tell them not to budge till we get there."
"Copy that," Fin nodded before quickly moving to his own desk.
The lieutenant turned back to Sonny, appearing somewhat pained. "Tell Rollins."
