AN: Here is some fluffy stuff 'cause I'm feeling nice (and I also get sick pleasure out of keeping people in suspense). I'll try to update sooner next time!


the years of hope / the months of rain / now that we're outside of it / I guess we survived it after all


Seven years earlier.

Sunlight seared through the darkness of Amanda's eyelids. With a groan, she blinked, a sharp pain rocketing through her head in response to the brightness pouring into her room. They had forgotten to shut the blinds last night, too distracted by their liquor-fueled lust to bother. Amanda hazily remembered the hours before they had made it back to her Long Island City apartment: McCaffree's pub, the bar lined with the remnants tequila shots and whiskey neats, his hand creeping up her thigh as she attempted to sloppily socialize with the new girl from Warrants. After last call, the two of them had practically devoured one another in the backseat of a cab before they stumbled inside as one, drunk and horny unit.

Rolling gingerly onto her side, Amanda encountered his bare back, the muscles there slack beneath olive skin. She didn't dare touch him, but soon enough he was stirring. Without turning around, he half-hearted punched at his pillow in an attempt to fluff it up beneath his head.

"What time is it?" Nick Amaro rumbled.

"Eight thirty," she answered, voice hoarse from sleep.

"Shit," he exclaimed, suddenly sitting up. He ran a hair through his dark, disheveled hair. "I gotta go. Zara... she's got some science fair thing... I promised I'd be there..."

Amanda nodded wordlessly as she sat up, too. She pulled her knees to her chest and fiddled with the strap of her tank top as she watched Nick dart around her room, clambering back into the clothes he had worn last night. She hadn't expected they would spend the day together - they definitely were not dating - but for some reason she already felt lonely and Nick hadn't even left yet. Maybe it had something to do with the timing.

"It's my birthday," she revealed to him casually, as if she was merely noting the weather. She didn't know why she felt compelled to tell him, but it left her mouth before she could stop herself.

Nick's brow furrowed as he continued to button up his shirt, very obviously preoccupied. "Oh. Yeah? Happy birthday."

She chewed the inside of her bottom lip, somewhat stung by his lackluster response. It wasn't fair: she always made a big deal about how she hated her birthday, so how could she expect others to display any sort of enthusiasm? Perhaps Amanda had secretly hoped that Nick would want to acknowledge it, like he believed it to be something special. Maybe she wanted him to convince her that it she worth celebrating.

"I'll call you later," Nick told her hurriedly once he was dressed. The words sounded hollow, like he spoke them because it was just something you said, not because you were actually going to do it. He snatched his wallet and keys from her bedside table before he disappeared, leaving Amanda alone in her bed.


Five and a half years earlier.

Amanda leaned back in her chair and yawned. The precinct was dark except for the glow of her lamp; almost everybody was gone at eight thirty on a Friday night. Huffing out a sigh, she slumped over, resting her elbow on her desk and her chin in her hand. She tapped her fingers rhythmically against her cheek, blue eyes staring blankly at her laptop screen. She wondered what Jesse was doing. Not much, probably: she was still a sweet little baby who couldn't yet walk or talk. Even so, Amanda wanted to be with her.

Working full-time and being a single mother was hard - probably the hardest thing she had ever done. Amanda often felt like one role had to suffer in order for the other to prosper; would balance ever be possible? This week, she had fallen so behind on her incident reports that Liv noticed. Wanting to avoid any conflict with her commanding officer, Amanda had downed an extra cup of coffee just as the rest of her squad disappeared for the weekend and set to work on catching up. Jesse was home with the sitter, well taken care of, and it wasn't like Amanda had any other plans.

Even if it was her birthday.

Nobody knew - and she preferred it that way. She didn't have any qualms about getting older, but she did intensely despise being the center of attention. Amanda didn't want balloons or presents or people jumping out from behind things screaming surprise! She had kept herself alive another year - and was somehow simultaneously meeting the immense needs of her beautiful but demanding daughter - and that was enough.

"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."

The sound of a familiar voice singing made Amanda's eyes grow wide. She was momentarily frozen in place with her genuine surprise and confusion: wandering through the dim squad room was Sonny Carisi, carefully holding a little plate of some kind of pastry, a candle stuck right on top of it, flame flickering as he moved. Slowly, Amanda pulled her chin off of her palm and sat up. She cast a glance over her shoulder, self-conscious despite the fact that they were alone. It was hard for Amanda to ignore the way her heartbeat started picking up in her chest as Sonny came closer to her; that happened a lot recently. "Carisi, what are you doing? You're still here?"

"Yeah, I'm still here." He approached her desk and set down what Amanda could now see was a glowing piece of tiramisu. He dropped down into the chair beside her, long limbs loose and relaxed, features bright with his familiar grin. "And I'm singin' you happy birthday. Badly."

Amanda's gaze flickered to the dessert between them to avoid looking him in the eye, suddenly bashful. "What's... what is that?"

"It is a piece of tiramisu with a candle in it," Sonny answered. "Full disclosure, I didn't make it myself. I picked it up from Pangione's."

She chewed the inside of her cheek, watching the wavering flame of the candle. Her stomach flip-flopped in her abdomen at the sweetness of Sonny's gesture; it left her momentarily speechless. If he had told her he was going to do something like this, Amanda would have cringed and refused. Now, though, she simply felt special.

"Well, c'mon," he coaxed her. "You gotta make a wish and blow out the candle."

Amanda scrunched up her nose. "Carisi..."

"C'mon, before the fire alarm goes off," Sonny insisted.

Obediently, Amanda closed her eyes. Even though she couldn't see him, she could feel Sonny looking at her. Of course he wouldn't know if she didn't actually make a wish, but if she did it, if she asked the universe for anything, what would it be? More money? A nicer apartment? For Frannie to live forever? Or maybe it would be nice to feel as special as she did in that small moment, to have somebody pay attention to her in a quiet, genuine way that had nothing to do with putting on a show and everything to do with the simple desire to make her happy. Filling her lungs with air, she held her breath for a second before exhaling, the force of the air putting out the flame.

"Alright! Now we can eat it," he said enthusiastically, clapping his hands together and hopping to his feet to lope over to his desk. He tugged open a drawer, rummaged around and pulled out two forks.

She quirked an eyebrow in amusement. "You keep forks in your desk?"

Sonny looked confused. "Yeah. Doesn't everybody?" Back in his seat, he offered Amanda a utensil.

Taking the the fork, Amanda dug it into the piece of tiramisu. "How'd you know it was my birthday?"

"Fin told me," he admitted. "When I asked him what you were doin' for it, he said that you hate your birthday and had work to do."

"What a bigmouth," she grumbled. She licked cream off of her fork and sighed. "I've just been fallin' behind with my reports... I keep trying to take stuff home, but then Jesse cries or needs something and I get distracted..."

He nodded and chewed thoughtfully. "How come you hate your birthday?"

"I don't know." She poked at the rich dessert. "I'm really not into... celebrations, in general."

"Oh, yeah, that's surprising," he remarked sarcastically.

She rolled her eyes. "I just... I don't like bein' the center of attention that way. Plus, growing up, they were never a big deal."

Sonny nodded again and for a few minutes, they ate together in comfortable silence, both of them huddled over the dwindling tiramisu on her desk.

"Why are you here?" Amanda wondered eventually, gaze lifting to study Sonny's face. "It's Friday night. Don't you have some wild law school party to go to?"

"There isn't a lotta partying in law school, actually," he admitted, tone dry. "Most of the drinkin' is done alone with your books."

"That's depressing," she murmured.

Sonny shrugged. "Eh, makes essay writing interestin'."

Amanda couldn't suppress the grin tugging at her mouth. "I should get home soon," she realized with a sigh, then added sheepishly, "the sitter... she probably has a life even if I don't, so..." She felt sad at the prospect of leaving, and it had nothing to do with the desire to complete more reports. Before she lost the courage, she focused her gaze on her fork prodding the last bit of cake as she asked Sonny, "but, uh, you wanna come over? I mean, you don't have to, if you'd rather... drink with your books or-"

"No, yeah, sure. I'll come over," he interrupted.

She tried to make sure her facial expression was benign when she met Sonny's eyes. "Jesse'll be asleep so you won't get to hang out with her..."

He offered her a mischievous smile as he asked, "will you be awake?"

She nodded. "Ideally, yeah."

Sonny's grin grew. "Good."

xxx

They had been sleeping together since May. That's all it was - sex. Sure, they also ate a lot of meals together, knew one another's hopes and fears, were their most comfortable and genuine in each other's presence, had become accustomed to quirks and habits, likes and dislikes, but... no, nope, Amanda was quite adamant that they were absolutely not in a relationship. Of course, she was the only person she was attempting to convince. It frightened her to acknowledge the feelings Sonny had awoken inside of her. She quickly realized that he was different from all of the others in a very substantial and meaningful way. Amanda couldn't articulate how she knew it, she simply did. The need to be around him was like some strange gravitational pull that she was helpless to resist. She wasn't worthy of him; she was convinced that this was the universe's cruel joke on her heart. Always a glutton for punishment, Amanda repeatedly entangled herself with Sonny anyway.

Pulling in a steadying breath, Amanda wriggled her shoulders back and knocked on Sonny's apartment door. When he opened it, he appeared surprised. As he should have been: she hadn't told him she would be coming over.

"Rollins! Hey," he greeted her.

"Hi," she smiled. "Can I come in?"

"'Course." He stepped aside to allow her to enter his apartment, then shut the door behind them both. "I'm happy to see you," he told her, standing close enough in front of her so he could reach out and graze her waist with his fingertips. They weren't at the point where they greeted one another with a kiss, but Sonny was always touching her somehow. He furrowed his brow as he realized, "I thought... didn't you say you weren't free tonight..?"

"Mm. Moved some things around," Amanda responded vaguely. She brushed her bangs away from her eyes as she looked up at him. "It's your birthday. I wanted to see you on your birthday."

"Oh, well, thanks," he grinned. "I'm really glad."

Her gaze flickered around his now-familiar apartment. "I thought you'd be out."

"Yeah, I'm meetin' up with some people in an hour or so," he explained.

"I got you something." She began to untie the belt of her favorite olive green trench coat.

Sonny raised his eyebrows. "You didn't have to do that."

"I'm pretty sure it's your size..." With the belt loose, Amanda first shrugged off her purse, then let her jacket pool at her feet revealing her body clad only in bright red lingerie: a barely-there sheer lace and tulle bra, a waspie underbust corset cinched around her ribs and matching panties. She stood taller than usual in nude pumps, and she blinked up at Sonny wearing a coquettish smile.

Sonny's eyes widened with his shock, his pupils dilating so intensely that they almost overtook the blue of the irises. "Jesus Christ," he breathed.

"Let's not bring the Lord into this, hm?" Amanda suggested coyly. She reached for the buckle of his belt, using it pull their bodies closer together, barely a sliver a space left between them. "I'm not so sure He'd approve."

His hands hovered over her sides, as if he was afraid to touch her. His eyes drifted downward to the swell of her cleavage brushing against his chest. "Did you... did you come all the way from Long Island City in just a coat... and...?" he stammered.

Amanda toyed with the leather of his belt, slowly inching the tongue out of a loop. Even while her fingers moved, she watched Sonny's face intently, high off of his attention and the way he was staring like he had been starving for the sight of her. "Mhm."

"Damn," he intoned. "You're so fuckin' hot."

"I know you've got plans, but... maybe you could be a little late...?" she suggested sweetly, fingers pausing at his metal buckle as she stared up at him with wide, innocent eyes, as if she really expected him to refuse.

Sonny answered Amanda by crushing his mouth against hers, simultaneously pressing their bodies together and her back against the front door. She flung her arms around his neck and melted into his touch, dizzy with the sudden lack of air and her excitement. It had been a risk to show up to his apartment unannounced wearing only a coat and form-fitting lace - what if he found it weird or unattractive? Or worse: what if Sonny was spending his birthday with somebody else? Despite their closeness, they technically weren't dating, and they had never had a discussion about only sleeping with one another. She would have no right to be angry if she discovered him with another woman, but she knew that all the logic in the world wouldn't be able to harness her fiery temper.

She felt his palms roving greedily over her, squeezing at her hips, her ass, her chest. Did he touch anybody else with the same kind of possessiveness? A jolt of jealousy coursed through Amanda at the mere thought. With other men, her intimate experiences were mindless. With Sonny, the gears in her head were almost constantly turning.

She was immediately distracted by the sensation of his hands behind her thighs as he hoisted her up so her legs wrapped instinctively around his waist. Amanda let out a giggle of surprise as her forehead bumped his, and in between breathless kisses, she caught sight of the smug smirk on Sonny's face as he carried her across the apartment to his bed. For some reason, it made Amanda feel victorious.

When shins hit the edge of the mattress, they both tumbled on to it, a mess of tangled limbs and groping hands. Amanda quickly wriggled out from beneath Sonny's body to force him onto his back, and the moment he sunk into the bed she climbed on top of him. Straddling his hips, Amanda peered down at him with heavy-lidded eyes. A flush was creeping up Sonny's neck, tinging his cheeks pink. As he wet his lips, he eyed her as if he was seconds away from devouring her.

Amanda allowed her palms to slide down his chest and the flat plane of his abdomen before they slipped up her own body. She used her fingers to slowly untie the delicate bow at the center of her bra, the only bit of fabric keeping the garment together. "Happy birthday, Carisi."


Five months earlier.

Almost eight months pregnant, Amanda walked home alone. She had spent ten hours at the precinct and was preparing for a lecture from Sonny about her poor work-life balance, although she was hoping he would choose to spare her that night - because it was her birthday. Like every other year that passed, Amanda hadn't wanted any of the pomp and circumstance that often came with celebrating age. While Sonny had had the day off, she went to work as she was schedule, hoping to stay as involved with SVU as possible until she was put on mandatory bed rest by her physician.

The house was dark when she let herself in. She toed her shoes off at the door, shrugged off her coat and her purse, but forgot her badge on her hip. Her gun was locked in the safe at the precinct since she wasn't allowed in the field. Barefoot, Amanda padded into the kitchen. Lunch felt like a million years ago and she was starving. A hand strayed to the light switch and she flicked it on...

"Happy birthday!" a chorus of voices shouted.

Eyes and mouth wide with surprise, Amanda took in the sight: the kitchen was filled with multicolored balloons hovering at the ceiling, the island was covered in confetti, and Sonny stood before her holding a cake with Jesse and Luca jumping up and down excitedly at his feet. "Happy birthday, happy birthday!" the children continued to chirp enthusiastically, arms and legs flailing as they ran circles around their father.

"You guys!" Amanda exclaimed, pressing a palm to her racing heart in genuine shock.

"Can we sing?" Jesse asked, looking up at Sonny. "I wanna sing!"

"Alright, let me light the candles first," Sonny chuckled, setting the cake down on the island. He gave Amanda a grin as he pulled his hands away from the plate with a flourish: "chocolate with peanut butter frosting."

She clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth in appreciative awe. "Oh, my favorite..."

"Mhm..." He dug around one of the drawers in the kitchen and turned back around with a lighter. Carefully, he lit all of the candles (she was relieved there were only ten) until the entire cake was glowing. "Okay, there we go. Now we're ready to sing."

Jesse clambered up onto one of the seats at the island, while Luca tugged at Sonny's leg so he'd pick him up. Hoisting the toddler up against his hip, Sonny looked between both of the children expectantly. Simultaneously, they all began to sing, "happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday, dear mama. Happy birthday to you!" Their voices were mismatched, Luca having trouble keeping up with the words and Jesse over-eager, but it was sweetest rendition of the song Amanda had ever heard. When they were finished, they all clapped and cheered loudly.

"Blow out the candles! Make a wish and blow out the candles!" Jesse demanded excitedly.

"C'mon, help me do it," Amanda said, grinning widely at the performance she had just witnessed. Both children leaned in, all of them hovering over the cake. She closed her eyes, making a show of making a wish - although she realized that she couldn't think of a single thing that her life was lacking. Even so, she counted them down - "one... two... three..." - and with a dramatic exhale, the flames all flickered and died out with their combined effort. Luca and Jesse clapped again.

"What did you wish for?" Jesse wondered.

"Can't tell ya. Then it won't come true," Amanda replied with a wink.

"Can we give her her presents?" the little girl asked Sonny. "Can we?"

"Sure we can," he agreed as he retrieved plates from a cabinet, still toting Luca around.

Climbing off of the stool, Jesse scurried into the living room and quickly returned with an armful of items. Once she was back in her chair, she first pushed a folded-in-half piece of blue construction paper toward her mother. It was taped shut and something was obviously hidden inside. "I made it."

"Ooh..." Amanda carefully opened the paper to find it covered in glitter glue hearts and stars, a sloppy handwritten message in the middle: hapy birthday Mama i Love you LOVE JESSE. Also inside was a bracelet made with tightly packed plastic beads in varying shades of blue.

"Your favorite. Your favorite color is blue, you said," Jesse explained eagerly.

"Jesse, I love it," she gasped. "It's beautiful, I'm gonna put it on right now." She slid the bracelet onto her wrist next to her watch, then held out her arm proudly. "There, how's that?"

Jesse reached out and touched the new piece of jewelry reverently. "Pretty."

Leaning in, she squeezed Jesse's shoulders and kissed the top of her head. "Thank you, Jess. It's just what I wanted."

"Me!" Luca chirped from Sonny's arms, straining toward his mother.

With a free hand, Sonny picked up the other piece of white paper Jesse had brought into the kitchen and stuck it in a set of Luca's fingers. "C'mon, show your mother what you made," he prompted him.

Luca thrust the paper toward Amanda. "Here, mama."

"Let's see..." She took it from her son's hand and turned it over to find what looked like a finger painting, barely any of the original paper visible underneath the smatterings of reds, blues, greens and yellows. "Oh, wow, Lu," she exclaimed. "This is so nice. Did you make this?"

The little boy nodded shyly. "Uh huh."

"Wow. I'm gonna put this right in a frame." Leaning in, Amanda cupped Luca's cheek and kissed the other one. "Thank you, baby."

Sonny pushed a little gift bag toward her across the surface of the island. "And something from me, of course."

She frowned, brow furrowed. She had specifically asked for absolutely nothing. "Sonny. I told you not-"

"Relax. It's not a big deal," he insisted.

Skeptical, Amanda moved aside tissue paper and peeked inside the bag. She pulled out three little onesies, all of them adorned with various renditions of the Atlanta Braves logo.

"You win," Sonny told her with a grin. "This can be a Braves baby."

A wide smile pulled at the corners of Amanda's mouth as she looked, delighted, between the baby's new outfits and her husband. "Yes!" she exclaimed victoriously before she rushed to lean in and kiss him.

"Happy birthday," he grumbled as if he had only given her the gift begrudgingly, but his eyes were bright with a satisfaction he couldn't hide.

xxx

Later that night, Amanda began to fold the new onesies, nestling them into the top drawer of the baby's dresser. Her fingers grazed over the neat rows of clothing, all of the fabric soft and clean. Many of the outfits had belonged to Jesse and Luca when they were younger; Amanda had picked out all of the gender-neutral things to save for her third child.

"Whatcha doin'?" she heard Sonny's voice ask from the doorway of the nursery.

Amanda glanced over her shoulder. "Just putting this stuff away."

His tall frame loomed close behind her, a hand on her waist as he peered into the dresser. "Oh, wow, you got that all organized, huh?"

"Yeah," she nodded.

He gave her a squeeze. "Looks good."

Shutting the drawer, Amanda turned around, the swell of her pregnant stomach between them. "Thank you for tonight."

"You're welcome." Sonny ran his palms against the sides of her abdomen as he added with a sheepish smile, "I know you don't like your birthday but, the kids really wanted to sing and give you something."

"I loved it. It was perfect." She stood on her toes and kissed him, her throat suddenly tight with emotion as she realized how lucky she was.

Sonny wrapped his arms around her, pulling her in as close as he could given the size of her stomach. She dropped her forehead to rest it against his shoulder, her fingers toying with the soft fabric of his shirt at his sides. "I'm glad," he told her. "We wanted to make sure ya knew how much we love you."

She sniffled, blinking her eyes rapidly to stave off tears. Damn hormones. She wasn't sad, she was overwhelmed in the best kind of way. "I love you a lot. Y'all are... you're the best presents."