AN: I'M BACK! Thanks for your patience, fellow Rollisi lovers! Here is a random one-shot from "Service" aaaaaand all the other stuff. Yes, there is Esther angst is coming and no, I haven't forgotten about our girl Mia! xox


McCaffree's Pub was empty, save for two men huddled close over beers at a corner table and Amanda Rollins staring into her dwindling whiskey at the bar. The amber liquid slid in and out of focus before her blue eyes, already five glasses in, and she blinked hard a few times to combat the effects of the alcohol impairing her vision. With an elbow on the sticky bar, she plopped her chin into her palm; she could feel the bow-shape of her mouth turning downward in an involuntary frown.

"Rollins, hey," a familiar, breathless voice said, "thought I'd find you here."

Amanda blinked again, disoriented. Tall and lean, dressed in a navy pea coat, Sonny Carisi was suddenly hovering at her side. "What are you doin' here?" she blurted out of genuine confusion.

He shoved his hands in the pockets of his jacket sheepishly. "You seemed like you were havin' a hard time. I just wanted to-"

"Are you comin' to bust my ass about Skye - Sandy - whatever the hell her name is?" she slurred before continuing haughtily, "I already apologized, soooo, you can save your self-righteousness for somebody else."

He quirked a brow as his gaze flickered down to her drink. "How many of these have you had?"

"A couple," she replied vaguely.

"Where's Jess-"

"Oh my God, relax, Carisi. The sitter's watchin' her till eleven."

Sonny glanced at his watch. "It's eleven fifteen..."

Amanda's eyes widened. "Ah, shit." She quickly rummaged through her purse resting on the barstool next her, pulling out a handful of crumpled pills to toss onto the bar.

She felt a hand on her shoulder as Sonny said, "I'm gonna take you home."

She snorted in amusement, clambering off of her seat and snatching at her coat that she had been sitting on. "No, you're not."

"C'mon, you're shitfaced," he challenged her with a frown. "It's dark and-"

"And what? I'm just a delicate flower who could fall victim to a predator at any time?" she sneered with obvious sarcasm before offering him a smirk. "I throw a better punch than you do. I'm good." With her jacket hanging off of her shoulders, she swayed past him toward the front door.

Sonny strode quickly behind her, clearly undeterred. "Okay, let's get you a cab at least."

Putting two fingers in her mouth, Amanda let out an expert whistle once she was outside teetering on the edge of the curb. A bright yellow taxi slid up to the sidewalk mere seconds later. She managed to yank open the car's door and topple into the back; she practically crawled into the worn out seat. She felt a presence come up behind her, and when she looked over her shoulder, through her unruly blonde bangs she saw Sonny settling into the taxi, too. "Hey! What are you doin' in my cab?" she sputtered indignantly.

"I told you, I'm takin' you home," he replied coolly.

Amanda strained forward between the two front seats, wedging her slim body over the center console. "Uh, 'scuse me, sir," she slurred to the driver, "this man is harassing me and I want him to leave. I am a New York City p-"

"Long Island City. Jackson and 50th," Sonny interrupted loudly, and the car pulled away from the bar as if Amanda hadn't said anything at all.

She slumped back into her seat dramatically. "Jesus, fuck, no wonder you're single," she huffed, crossing her arms tightly over her chest like a petulant child as she glared at him. "You are the most suffocating, invasive, know-it-all I've ever met."

Sonny offered her a charming grin in the dark, his familiar features illuminated by the glow of the iPhone he was thumbing through. "Aw, Rollins, don't make me blush."

Scowling, she jerked her chin away to stare out of the window, dizzily watching the city fly by as the taxi traveled to Queens. They rode together in silence until they eventually arrived at her street corner. Amanda didn't protest when Sonny followed her up to her unit, or when he lingered in her kitchen even after the sitter left. In fact, it was kind of nice to go home with somebody familiar. She was so used to doing everything alone, although, foolishly, recently, she had allowed herself to believe those days were over. That, of course, was what all the whiskey was for.

In order to stave off any potential awkwardness with Sonny, Amanda opted to keep drinking. She shrugged off her coat and purse and tossed them carelessly onto her couch before she grabbed two clean tumblers from the dish rack by her sink. "You know what the problem with men is? You think with your dick," Amanda declared to Sonny randomly, bending down to rummage through her liquor cabinet next. Her fingers curled around the neck of a half-empty Maker's Mark bottle. "And it's like - you know what it's like? Gambling. Y'all get a good setta cards and you could stop there, you could be satisfied with that, but you aren't. You keep going because there's a chance you can do better." She popped back upright with the whiskey in hand, the entire apartment wobbling before her eyes before she got her bearings again. "Hell, there's a whole fuckin' universe filled with chances to do better! Why stop at just one lousy hand?" She dumped the alcohol in the two glasses and thrust one toward Sonny across the counter.

He held up a hand in protest. "No, I'm-"

"C'mon, don't make me drink alone," she whined, puffing out her lower lip in a pout.

Visibly relaxing, he reached for the liquor and took a sip.

Amanda took a gulp of whiskey, too, the alcohol burning her chest. Her gaze narrowed on Sonny, who was dutifully drinking along with her. "Somebody like Skye..." she continued curiously, "have you ever...?"

"Ever what?" When he realized what she was implying, his blue eyes grew wide in outrage. "Been with a prostitute? Of course not."

"Psh," she scoffed, giving her glass a dismissive wave. "Don't act like you don't know half of NYPD is dirty, getting three a.m. blowjobs in their squad cars while their wives and kids are at home hopin' they come home from another shift alive."

Sonny's brow furrowed in disapproval. "They're scumbags."

"Mm, not always." Amanda waggled her eyebrows as a slow smirk tugged at her mouth. "I have a pretty good scumbag radar, y'know. I've arrested - and banged - my fair share of 'em." After a few quiet seconds, the coy grin flickered and faded from her features. She set her whiskey down on the counter top and peered down into the glass. "But sometimes... sometimes they're educated and successful and sweet," she went on softly, wistfully, "and you're thinkin', 'wow, I finally did it. I finally found somebody who... who knows how to make a goddamn dinner reservation - why is that such a feat for y'all? - and, and they're interested in how my Tuesday is going and they think my kid is smart and fun - not some awkward burden they've gotta work around to get laid...'" Lifting her gaze, she met Sonny's eyes. "Then you realize, that's 'cause they're gettin' laid elsewhere. They're just hoping to keep you distracted enough with their... with their Nice Guy act so you don't figure it out."

"There's so many," she whispered wearily, head bowed as she spoke to her drink again. "There's so many women who... who'll be smarter or prettier or more successful or a better fuck. It's like you're in some lifelong competition you never even wanted to be a part of, just to find somebody who... who cares about you just a little bit more than they do all the others. Somebody who chooses you." If she hadn't been so drunk, she would have been embarrassed by her stream of consciousness, by the lump of emotion rising in her throat. Instead, totally disinhibited by alcohol, she dared to look up at Sonny again and said the next thing on her mind: "I can't figure out why I'm never anybody's choice."

Sonny's brows knitted together; he seemed more sad than disturbed by her tangent. He carefully set his drink down on the counter and took a step closer to her. "'Manda..." he began quietly, "there are good people out there."

She let out a snort of laughter, her skepticism impossible to mask. "Have you found one?"

His gaze was steady on hers. "I'm lookin' at her."

Taken aback by his simple words, Amanda's face flushed hot. She had never thought of herself as good. Maybe that was the problem - she was constantly trying to convince men that she was enough, but she didn't believe it herself. "Don't fuck with me, Carisi," she heard herself say brashly.

"I'm not," Sonny insisted. "You're an amazing woman, Amanda. I've been tryin' to tell you that for years."

"I, uh, well, I..." She could feel her throat tightening and hands starting to tremble. Was she having a panic attack? She (secretly) put Sonny on such a pedestal, so to hear him speak so highly of her was overwhelming. Her eyes began to prickle with tears and she was too hazy with whiskey to do anything when one escaped and leaked down her cheek.

Sonny looked vaguely surprised, then uncomfortable as he wondered, "are you... are you cryin'?"

She was able to pull herself together enough to use a knuckle to quickly brush away the rogue tear. "No, I'm not," she lied.

"I didn't mean-"

"That's the thing, Carisi," Amanda interrupted, her voice scratchy and thick with emotion. "You do mean it. You mean everything you say." Another hot tear, and this time she didn't bother to wipe it. "When you talk to me I always know you're being honest."

He lifted a palm up and rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, his gaze flickering to his shoes before they flitted back to her face."Here, you got some-" He took a few more steps toward her until there were only a few inches left between them. Reaching out to her, each of his thumbs slowly and gently swiped beneath her eyes. "-black stuff..."

"Mascara," she murmured. She allowed her eyes to close briefly, savoring the barely-there sensation of his fingers. "Hm, your hands are warm."

"I think that's your face," Sonny chuckled quietly. His hands didn't move: his palms hovered at her cheeks, just barely cradling them, grazing her skin.

"Oh." Amanda blinked him back into focus slowly. Was it the alcohol - or was he looking at her with a special kind of intensity? She could have sworn there was something in his blue eyes she had never seen before... "You look like you wanna kiss me."

A slow, lopsided grin formed on his mouth. "I do."

"So why don't you?" she challenged him.

Sonny wet his lips nervously, his gaze wandering around the room as if someone could be watching. Still, he didn't release her face. "You're... we shouldn't..."

Amanda brazenly reached up and wrapped her fingers around the edges of his hands. Rising up onto the toes of her boots, she leaned in and did it herself: she pressed her lips against Sonny's. His mouth was warm, unfamiliar but oddly comforting anyway. Kissing him was different, exciting - not just because it was new. The longer it went on, the deeper they explored each other's tongues, the more clearly she determined that his mouth made her feel things others' entire bodies had not. Suddenly, she was dizzy with the intensity of the realization. Amanda jerked away from Sonny abruptly, eyes wide, a palm pressing against her sternum as she pulled much-needed oxygen into her lungs.

"Are you okay?" he asked anxiously before his blown-out pupils narrowed on her suspiciously, "are you gonna puke?"

"No, I just, I... nobody's ever... it's like you took the air right outta me," she explained breathlessly, her ability to sensor herself gone long before Sonny even appeared at McCaffree's. She set both of her palms against his chest, appreciating the sturdiness of it, the warmth. She met his eyes and saw how earnest his gaze was, how anticipatory, how lovely - and it terrified her. "I... don't wanna talk about this tomorrow," she whispered, already anxious to protect the sober, confused woman she would inevitably become in the morning.

Sonny covered her hands with his own as he asked slyly, "how about the day after?"

Amanda couldn't help the tiny smile that played at her lips. "Okay."


Ruby's warm, chubby cheek rested against her mother's chest as she slept. A set of the baby's small fingers clung to the scooped collar of Amanda's white t-shirt and she was only wearing one sock, despite starting the evening off with a pair. Periodically, Amanda looked away from the television show she was watching and stole glances down at her youngest daughter, making sure her eyes were still closed. She had spent the last hour toting the child around the bedroom in hopes of soothing her; she had woken up wailing for no particular reason at nine o'clock that night. Thankfully she had successfully gotten her back to sleep without waking the two other children in the house, but only twenty-five minutes into the new-found peace, Amanda didn't want to risk returning Ruby to her crib just yet. Instead, she gingerly sat down on her bed with the baby cradled in her arms and resumed watching television.

A box of opened Girl Scout cookies sat on the night stand in she and Sonny's room, the plastic carton half-empty over the course of consuming three episodes of Sister Wives before she was interrupted. She had the night off - and that's how she had proudly chosen to spend it. Eating while balancing a sleeping child was a skill that had come with a few years of practice. Amanda had only gotten a few stray Thin Mint crumbs on Ruby's head by the time that Sonny came through the door.

"Hey," she greeted Sonny with a smile.

"Hi." Sonny's eyes flickered to Ruby as he shrugged off his suit jacket and tossed it onto a chair in the corner. "She okay?"

"Just a little grumpy," Amanda explained. "She's been asleep for almost a half hour now, though."

Leaning down, he kissed Amanda. When he pulled away, he spotted the cookies on the nightstand. "Where'd those come from?"

"I bought them from one of Jesse's friends a few months ago, remember? It's just that, well, I hid the last box behind all the canned stuff so the kids wouldn't find it," Amanda admitted sheepishly. She held up a Thin Mint with mischievous grin. "Want one?"

He shook his head as he loosened his tie and began to unbutton his vest. "Nah."

Amanda watched Sonny move around the room: he set his badge, wallet and keys on the bureau, locked his gun in the safe in their closet - all the while wearing an incredibly serious frown. While Amanda had perfected the art of the poker face, Sonny's features were always extremely expressive, and the way he looked that night sparked mild concern in the pit of her stomach. "What's the matter?" she asked curiously. "You look... not right."

Sonny exhaled as he dropped down to sit on the edge of the bed beside her. Despite refusing moments earlier, he reached over for a cookie. "Dodds wants me to go undercover."

She arched an eyebrow, confused by how distressed he seemed to be by a fairly normal request. "Okay..."

"Like, really undercover," he clarified after he finished chewing. "With VICE for the Tara Blakley case. They don't have enough evidence. They wanna get him on gun dealin' instead."

"What are they thinking? You work for SVU. You don't belong mixed up all that," she remarked. "Let VICE figure it out, just like we've always gotta make due."

He cringed. "I don't know..."

"You are not going undercover buying guns," she laughed incredulously. "This is just the typical Never Yielding Perpetual Dickaround. They'll find somebody else to sucker into it."

"Well, that's the thing. It wasn't a question - it sounded like more of an order."

"You can't do it."

"Because?"

"Because... I said so."

"I don't think mom logic applies here."

"Tell him 'no.'"

"I tried."

"You're a pushover. You probably let Dodds steamroll you."

"How do you know? You weren't there."

"Because I know you," she insisted irritably, worry beginning to rise inside of her chest. The baby in her arms stirred and Amanda gave her a gentle jostle in hopes of keeping her asleep as she studied Sonny's profile. "You don't... want to go, do you?"

He looked momentarily outraged at the suggestion, then sheepish. "I mean, no, but..."

"But?" she pressed him.

"I can't help but think if I had to do it, it would be good for my career," he explained slowly, casting a tentative glance over at Amanda as if he was afraid of her reaction. "It's pretty high-profile."

Ruby began to whimper and wriggle more insistently in her mother's arms, prompting Amanda to stand up so she could begin to walk around the room with her again. "You do wanna do it," she exclaimed, eyes wide in disbelief.

"I don't!" Sonny insisted, putting his hands up in surrender. "I don't wanna be away from you guys, but... c'mon, if Dodds offered it to you-"

"-I'd say no," she interrupted. "Maybe six years ago I'd jump on it, but not now. Not with three little kids."

"I don't think I have a choice, 'Manda," he sighed. "He already talked to Liv about it, before he brought it to me."

Shocked, Amanda stopped in her tracks despite Ruby's protesting. She felt her heart drop heavily into the pit of her stomach. "What the - and she didn't say anything to us first?" she sputtered.

"Guess not," Sonny muttered.

"What am I supposed to do, huh?" she demanded, resuming her pacing although it was less about soothing the baby and more of an outlet for her own mounting anxiety. "There's no way I can keep workin' as much as I do and take care of the kids on my own."

"My mother-"

"I don't want your mother. I want you."

Frowning, he pressed his lips together and nodded solemnly in apparent understanding.

"You're not gonna be able to see us or even really talk to us. Nothing," Amanda went on, voice quieter but still strained. "It's gonna be like you don't exist. And this gang shit, it's dangerous. What if something happens to you?"

Leaning over, Sonny rested his elbows against his knees and put his head in his hands. "I know. I know, you're right."

"I can't believe Liv agreed to this," she whispered, genuinely shocked. "I can't believe she didn't tell us."

He scraped his fingers through his hair and sat up straight again. "I don't think Liv or Dodds is all that interested in our two cents."

Teeth sinking into her lower lip, she shook her head in dismay. "After everything... after all the times we've looked out for Liv and Noah..."

"I'm gonna talk to Dodds again, see if I can get out of it," Sonny promised her.

Amanda scowled. "I don't trust him. He's a shady asshole and nobody can convince me otherwise."

"I know, I know. I don't trust him either," he agreed, tone grim. "He's so different from Mike..." Rising to his feet, Sonny strode over to her. "Don't freak out just yet, okay?"

"I'm not..." she said unconvincingly.

Sonny sighed wearily before he offered, "c'mon, you want me to put her to bed?" He reached for Ruby insistently. "Your arms must be goin' numb."

"Yeah, kinda," she grumbled, carefully passing the sleeping baby off to him. "Thanks..."

Sonny gingerly adjusted Ruby in his arms before he slipped out of the bedroom. Alone, Amanda let out an audible exhale as she rubbed her forehead in thought. Her first instinct was to address this with Dodds on her own, but she knew Sonny would never forgive her if she meddled so blatantly in his job. Amanda trusted that Sonny would ask the Chief not to be reassigned, but she wasn't convinced that his request would be granted. No matter what, it was out of her control; she hated that.

When Sonny returned to their room empty-handed, they moved easily around one another as they each got ready for bed. Eventually, they both settled atop their mattress, lazy limbs stretched out as the television still played in front of them. Amanda curled into Sonny's side, her head resting on his chest. She felt his arm snake around her, a palm settling on the bare skin between the waist of her sweatpants and the hem of her top. An ear against the soft fabric of his t-shirt, she could hear his heart beating steadily, the rhythmic sound somewhat relaxing. Above her, she knew his gaze was flickering between his phone in his free hand and the television, which was now playing Chopped - their compromise. She let her eyes drift shut, but she couldn't seem to leave them closed for more than a minute. "Sonny?"

"Hm?" he grunted in response.

Amanda sat up straight. With a knee on either side of his thighs, she sunk down onto his lap. Her palms drifted down the warm, solid planes of his chest, stopping at his waist so she could fiddle with the frayed hem of his old Fordham t-shirt. She watched her fingers, eyes downcast, almost embarrassed by the words on the very tip of her tongue.

Sonny put his phone down on the mattress and his hands settled on her hips instead. "What is it, 'Manda?"

She pulled at a loose maroon thread and rolled it between the pads of her forefinger and thumb before she peered up at Sonny through the blonde curtain of her bangs. "I get that this is our job. Really, I do," she began hastily, clearly referencing their previous conversation. "You're a good cop, Sonny. You should be able to showcase that..." Amanda took a breath, steadying herself in order to continue, "I don't want you to think I can't handle it here without you, but..." She felt a sheepish pout form on her lips as she admitted, "I don't wanna be here without you."

He gave her a wan smile. "It's not that I wanna be gone. You and the kids are more important to me than anything. I can't even... I can't imagine not seein' all of you every day. It's hard enough when we work opposite shifts." He looked bashful as he told her, "I'm just, I was kinda flattered that Dodds wanted me, to be honest."

Amanda nodded slowly. "I get it," she said, because she did.

"You mad at me?" Sonny wondered.

Amanda shook her head. "Nah."

His hands squeezed her appreciatively. "Nervous?"

"Yeah..." She chewed her bottom lip.

"I bet. You guys would all starve without me," he teased her.

She frowned, not amused by Sonny's attempt at humor.

He took her face between his palms, familiar, calloused skin warm against her smooth cheeks. "Hey, enough of that. I told you, don't freak out just yet," he urged her gently. "You always get ten steps ahead."

Amanda scrunched up her nose and offered him a small smirk. "That's why I'm a good detective."

"And an anxious woman," Sonny added.

She scowled and crossed her arms over her chest, defensive. "Look, I'm sorry I'm not excited for you. The prospect of you bein' murdered by one of the city's most notorious gangs doesn't exactly thrill me."

"Hey, hey, hey. Slow down, alright?" he implored her again, hands moving to tug at her folded arms, prompting her to reluctantly drop them away from her chest. He tangled their fingers together, their palms flush. "I'm not some twenty-two year old rookie lookin' for glory. Doin' something like this, at the end of the day, it's not worth it. I wanna do my job with SVU, sleep in my own bed with my wife, and be there for my kids every day. I'm not after anything else."

Even though it wasn't something new, a reassuring warmth crept into Amanda's chest at Sonny's genuine love for his family. "So, you're gonna talk to Dodds?" she asked timidly, even though he had already told her that he would.

Sonny nodded. "I am."

"Okay." Momentarily satisfied, she began to shift her body off of his.

"Where do you think you're goin'?" Sonny asked her playfully, fingers still entwined with hers.

She sunk back down onto his lap. "Next to you..."

"Hm, no," he hummed with a mischievous glint in his eyes. "Stay right here. I like the view."

Pink blossomed along her cheekbones as a coy smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. Releasing one of his hands, Amanda prodded his chest playfully. "After all this time, Carisi," she sighed wistfully, "after all this time, you still make me blush. How d'you manage that?"


Amanda surveyed the vending machine in the break room as if she hadn't seen its contents a million times before. Nine thirty in the morning was too early for soda for most people, but she was desperate for some caffeine: the coffee in the precinct was old and her six a.m. Starbucks was long gone. She gnawed on her ragged thumb nail in contemplation as she rocked back and forth on the heels of her boots.

"Rollins, how are you?" Liv's familiar voice came from behind her; she was back from her trip to Florida with Noah.

She kept her eyes focused straight ahead as she replied briskly, "fine." Amanda was well-aware that it was an obviously passive-aggressive response, but that was sort of her trademark.

"Everything okay while I was gone?" Liv wondered.

Amanda used the side of her fist to forcefully punch at the Diet Coke button. The machine whirled and her soda dropped into the bottom compartment with a 'thud.' "Yep."

The lieutenant sighed. "I'm guessing Dodds talked to Carisi."

"Yeah, he did." She finally turned around to face Liv, wearing a scowl that was more indicative of her hurt rather than anger. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Liv sighed again and crossed her arms over her chest, appearing sheepish. "It's not about you."

Her blue eyes widened in genuine confusion. "We're married," she reminded her.

"I understand that, but that detail is irrelevant here at work," Liv replied slowly. "You should know that by now."

She felt color begin to rise in her face. "I just, I thought we had each other's backs..."

"We do, Amanda," Liv insisted. "You're taking this personally."

"It is personal," Amanda snapped, annoyance prickling through her veins. "I've gotten personal for you, remember? All that shit with Cassidy, I put my ass on the line for you. For both of you. I knew how much he meant to you and what a crappy position he put you in and I didn't want to see either of you hurt. But you couldn't even have the decency to talk to me - to both of us - about this VICE thing before having Dodds back Carisi into a corner?"

"Like it or not, Amanda, I'm in charge here and Dodds is in charge of me," the lieutenant retorted curtly. "Sometimes obligations to the job have to be prioritized over friendship."

"Don't act like you have no control over this," she scoffed. "You're the Olivia Benson, aren't you? You fix everything. Or is it just that since it's not you bein' taken away from your kid, you don't really give a damn?"

Liv's cheeks colored and her mouth fell open in shock before her gaze narrowed on Amanda dangerously. "You are way outta line."

"What else is new?" Amanda spat sarcastically before she turned to storm back into the precinct. She was so angry that she knew she needed to leave the room before she said something she really regretted. She didn't need the damn soda anyway. Just as her hand yanked at the door handle, however, she felt Liv's grip on her arm.

"Amanda, hey, wait," Liv pleaded. "Wait a second."

Genuinely confused, Amanda stopped. She scowled and looked at Liv over her shoulder. "Huh?"

"I'll, I'll tell him," Liv told her quietly. "I'll tell Dodds to back off."

"You will?"

"You have my word."

Slowly, Amanda turned around, freeing herself from her lieutenant's grip. She crossed her arms over her chest and eyed Liv suspiciously. "Why?"

"Because you're right," Liv admitted. "You've always had my back. Now I have yours."

Amanda relaxed slightly, but remained somewhat skeptical. "Just like that? Just like that, this is all gonna go away?"

"Well, it's not gonna be easy. I've got some asses to kiss, but..." she explained grimly," I'm willing to do it for you."

Amanda cleared her throat, somewhat embarrassed by her outburst moments earlier. Her gaze flickered down to the floor as she chewed the inside of her cheek. "I, uh, I'm sorry I-"

"Just do me a favor, okay?" Liv asked.

Peering up at Liv again, she nodded. "Yeah."

"We never had this conversation," the lieutenant instructed.

Amanda nodded eagerly, gratefully. "Copy that."