AN: Feelings, fluff, smut, oh my!


the answers were there / when I stared into you


"Mama, please can I come? Please?" Luca pleaded, hopping around at his parents' feet in the kitchen of his grandparents' home.

"Lu, it's way too late for you to be up and it's gonna be awhile," Amanda reminded the little boy, both palms wrapped around a steaming mug of coffee. She waggled her eyebrows behind the sweep of her blonde bangs. "I already told you that."

With a pout, Luca turned his big blue eyes on his father. "Daddy, please?"

Sonny offered him a playfully chastising look. "What'd your mother just say?" he challenged his son after a gulp of his own coffee.

"Pleeeeaseee? I wanna see my brother!" Luca dramatically dropped to his knees on the tiles before crumpling completely to belly-flop onto the floor. His limbs spread out like a star, he flailed them, then he stilled with a huff.

"You better not let your grandpa see you like that," Sonny chided him with a chuckle he couldn't contain, although Amanda was sure he possessed a fleeting desire to discipline his son. After a moment of eyeing the little boy stubbornly face-down before them, Sonny heaved a defeated sigh. He hauled Luca up off of the tiles and held him instead, the little boy's limbs wrapping around his father's waist and neck even though he was scowling. "C'mon, gimme a hug and go back upstairs," Sonny coaxed him. "He'll be home with us before ya know it."

"Mama..." Luca moaned, wriggling in his father's arms and rolling his head back like he was pained.

Moving in close to her husband, Amanda abandoned her mug and carded a set of fingers through her son's thick hair, the strands as bright blonde as her own. "Go on, bed time," she insisted. "The answer's not gonna change."

With another dramatic huff, Luca wiggled from Sonny's arms and slid to his feet to stand on the floor again. He stomped away from his parents and up the the stairs with his little fists in balls at his side.

Amanda rolled her eyes and rested her elbows on the countertop so she could cradle her head in her hands. Her mind was racing. "I'm really nervous," she admitted to the formica, "I just hope the baby's okay, and Mia's okay..."

"Now you know how I've felt all these times with you," she heard Sonny reply.

The comment was lost on her; she was too wrapped up in her mounting apprehension. She dragged her fingers through her hair as she stood up straight again. Turning around, she leaned her back against the counter and crossed her arms over her chest, eying her husband - who looked much more relaxed than she felt. "You don't think..."

Standing before her, Sonny appeared confused over the rim of his cup. "Huh?"

"You don't think she's gonna change her mind? Once she sees him?" Amanda clarified.

"Mia wouldn't do that," Sonny exclaimed, shaking his head quickly as if it was the most absurd thing he had ever heard in his thirty-something years on earth. "She'd never do that to us. No way."

"I just... havin' a baby, though," she pressed him further. "You don't really get it, what it's like to actually have one. It's an intense thing..."

He shook his head again, skepticism etched onto his features. "'Manda, c'mon. She knows how serious this is," he scoffed, "this is a legal transaction-"

"Not yet it isn't," she reminded him.

Sonny visibly bridled. "Well, then, this is family," he concluded firmly, tone indicating that this topic was nearing its conclusion. "This is family helpin' family and that means more than anything." After a moment he appeared sheepish at his own intensity and a small, hopeful grin formed on his lips. He reached his hand over to squeeze her shoulder, "don't worry, okay? This is a good thing."

She found the look on his face endearing; his positivity was palpable. Amanda nodded and mirrored his smile, finding both relief and distraction in the glimmer of excitement in his eyes. "You're right. I just can't wait to have him with us already." She pressed her free palm against her sternum like she was attempting to calm her racing heart from the outside, then exhaled audibly. "I felt like it was never gonna actually happen..."

Grinning, Sonny closed the space between them and kissed her. When he pulled back just slightly, he took her chin in between his thumb and forefinger, blue eyes searching her face. "You alright?"

Amanda settled her hands on his waist and nodded sincerely. "I'm alright. Are you alright?"

"I'm alright," Sonny promised. He gave her another kiss. "Let's go."

xxx

"Hi," Amanda greeted the nurses behind the window at the Staten Island University Hospital Labor and Delivery unit as she began to shimmy off her coat. "We're here for Mia Moreno."

"Alright..." a brunette in pink scrubs replied with a smile as she clicked around on her computer. Both of her eyebrows rose as she seemed catch sight of something particular on her screen, then she looked up at Amanda and Sonny again. "Does she know you're coming? She's in active labor..."

They exchanged glances before Sonny told the nurse, "uh, well, her mother does."

The nurse rose to her feet. "Give me a second, okay?" she told them before she left her desk and disappeared out of their line of sight.

Amanda and Sonny didn't have time to talk before Teresa suddenly came scurrying over to them, appearing frazzled and distracted. "Hi. Hi, guys," she greeted them breathlessly. She gave them each a brief hug.

"How is she?" Amanda and Sonny asked anxiously in unison.

"She's doin' alright. Pretty uncomfortable now," Teresa explained, "I tried to convince her to get an epidural but she took one look at the needle and puked..."

Sonny cringed. "Sheesh..."

"Can we see her?" Amanda wondered, voice hopeful.

Teresa shook her head and offered her a small smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. "I don't think she's up for visitors right now... plus, they technically only allow two people in the delivery room, so..."

"Alright, that's okay. I get it," Amanda said quickly, awkwardly, not wanting to overstep any boundaries - but at the same time not quite sure what the boundaries were. She looked tentatively over at Sonny. "We'll just wait."

"Ms. Moreno?" The same brunette nurse that had greeted them earlier reappeared, this time looking for Teresa. "Mia's asking for you."

"I'll be back out when I can," Teresa promised Amanda and Sonny hastily, beginning to back away from the both them. "Just hang tight, okay?"

xxx

"Sonny? Amanda?"

Amanda's eyes flew open at the sound of her name, disoriented. She blinked her surroundings into focus: ugly sea green wallpaper, messy piles of old magazines, a carpet that looked like it had been nearly paced through thousands of times... and Teresa was hovering, gently shaking her brother's shoulder. Sonny was right beside Amanda, slumped in one of the uncomfortable, institutional couches on the Labor and Delivery floor for hours now. Her legs were bent over his lap and her head was against his shoulder, and she couldn't quite remember what time the both of them had given in to sleep, but her watch now read five o'clock in the morning. They had spent the majority of last night moving from the waiting room, to the cafeteria, back to the waiting room again, anxious for bits and pieces of information on Mia's progress from Teresa until neither of them could keep their eyes open any longer.

"He's finally here," Teresa announced wearing a weary smile. "You guys wanna meet him?"

"Huh? What? Yeah!" Sonny babbled, jerking to attention, roughly rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

They quickly untangled their limbs and clambered to their feet. Amanda's heart began to pound in her chest as she and Sonny began to follow his sister to Mia's room. She entered right behind Teresa, now as awake as she had ever been.

"Mia? Hi - oh..." Amanda's breath caught in her chest when she saw Mia holding a swaddled infant in her arms - Leo. He appeared smaller than any of Amanda's children had been when they were born, but his face was full and round and the familiar Carisi button nose sat cutely in between his rosy cheeks. His head was covered in a smattering of fuzzy dark brown hair and one little hand had escaped his blanket to sit curled up by his mouth. Amanda tried to read the expression on Mia's face: she looked exhausted, of course, but to Amanda's relief she was wearing a smile.

"Hi, guys," Mia greeted them. She gingerly adjusted herself to sit up a little straighter. "He's here..." she told them quietly, "come hold him."

Amanda and Sonny approached her bedside and Mia carefully passed the baby to Amanda first. Her heart was still racing as she took him into her arms, aware that this moment was unconventional and strange but selfishly focused on the little boy she had been yearning for. "He's beautiful," she breathed reverently. Keeping him cradled with one arm, she used her free hand to graze a gentle knuckle against one of Leo's soft cheeks; there was nothing like the feeling of warm, new baby skin. This baby's skin. All at once she felt a rush of emotion, her eyes burning and throat tightening, overwhelmed by the distant but distinct memory of the miscarriage that had haunted her until that very moment. Then, just then, she felt like something inside of her slotted into place, quieting the lingering ache that kept her wondering what if? late at night.

Amanda bit the inside of her cheek and swallowed down her tears, determined to keep her composure. "He's perfect," she concluded softly, speaking the words directly to the baby so she was sure that he knew it. In this moment and all of the moments going forward, Leo's biological father was irrelevant; Ethan was reduced down to a bit of DNA that would never impact how much Leo was loved. Sonny hovered close behind Amanda; he was Leo's dad. He was gazing down at the infant with a smile that lit up all of his tired features, and that made Amanda grin, too.

"He's only five and a half pounds..." Mia explained, sounding almost bashful, as if she had done something wrong. "The nurses say he's okay, though, as long as he eats."

"He's a Carisi, he'll eat. Won't ya, buddy?" Sonny insisted cheerfully, very obviously bursting with the same sort of pride he did when he spoke of his three other children. One of his big palms rounded over the baby's small head lovingly, his other hand settling on Amanda's shoulder where he squeezed her gently.

"Because he's technically premature, he'll have to stay here a couple days," Teresa added as she hovered by the head of her daughter's bed. "Y'know, to get his weight up a bit."

"That's okay, that's alright," Amanda assured both women hastily. "It doesn't matter, as long as he's okay." As difficult as it was to tear her eyes away from the bundle in her arms, she looked up directly at Mia to ask, "are you alright, Mia? How are you feeling?"

"Really tired," Mia replied with a weary smile, "and hungry."

Amanda nodded with genuine empathy. "I bet."

"Mom says the lawyer's gonna come by tomorrow with all the paperwork..." the younger woman went on, casting a glance over at Teresa as if she was looking for permission.

"We'll be here," Sonny assured his niece.

Amanda's gaze flickered back down to Leo, whose nose and eyes scrunched up before his little mouth stretched open in a yawn. "He really is perfect, Mia," she repeated quietly before she turned inward and carefully handed the baby over to Sonny, who eagerly took him into his own arms. She pressed closed into his side, her arm winding around his back, watching as he he took in the sight of the infant who would now become his youngest son.

"Hey, buddy," Sonny cooed to Leo quietly, "we sure are glad you're here."

xxx

Sonny quietly rapped on the door of Mia's hospital room. When he heard his niece's voice call come in in response, he slipped inside. Leo was sleeping in the bassinet beside Mia's bed; he was born just seven hours ago. Mia was sitting up, thumbing through her phone, and Sonny wondered if this was strange for her. She had just given birth to a child and she wasn't bonding with him - she could have been, but it would not have been wise. Sonny had only ever been witness to the birth of his own children - he had seen how Amanda's eyes had lit up with adoration, felt his own heart swell with pride - so it was odd to see a parent so disconnected from their own baby. Then again, Mia's distance from Leo was what made room for Sonny and Amanda to become his mother and father instead.

"Hey," Sonny greeted her. "Your mom and Amanda went to get some coffee. You sure you don't want anything?"

Mia looked up from her phone, smiled and shook her head. "I'm good."

Sonny perched himself at the end of Mia's bed. "I know the lawyer's comin' soon, but I wanted to talk to you first."

She frowned. "What's wrong, Uncle Sonny?"

"No, nothing, absolutely nothing is wrong," he insisted hastily. He offered her a sheepish smile as he explained, "I just, ah, you know how much this means to me and Amanda, but..." His expression turned serious. "I don't want you to think I've forgotten how all this started. I still think about what you went through all the time - what you're still goin' through."

Mia was silent for a moment as she toyed with her phone in her lap. She eventually met her uncle's eyes as she said quietly, "I hope you don't still feel like that... situation is your fault."

"I just worry about you, is all," Sonny admitted. "I can't help it. You're my niece."

"It's gonna be okay, Uncle Sonny," she promised with a little smile. "It's gonna be better this way. I made this choice for a reason."

"I know you're doin' what's best for the baby, but somebody's gotta look out for you, too. You've got your mom, but she can be kinda... well, y'know." He clapped his hand over her blanket clad foot. "So I just wanted to remind you that me and Amanda, we're always here, if you ever need us. I don't want you thinkin' that's changed with us adoptin' the baby."

"I know that," Mia nodded. "This is a new start." With a sigh, she leaned back and gave her uncle a timid smile. "I've just gotta figure out what exactly I'm starting..."

xxx

The family lawyer, Brady Clark, laid out paperwork on the table in Mia's hospital room. He looked especially sharp in his navy three-piece suit in comparison to the Carisis and Morenos, who were rumpled and sleep-deprived from spending almost two entire days waiting for - and now spending time with - Leo. Amanda was certainly tired but she didn't care what she looked like; she was simply happy to be sitting on that vinyl couch with her baby cradled close against her chest. Every now and then she peered down to see Leo's little face resting on her shoulder, blinking up at her drowsily, and she lost focus on whatever other conversation was happening in the room. When Brady showed up, however, Amanda made sure to pay attention.

"The original birth certificate, filled out by Mia, will be sealed," Brady began to explain to everyone. He held up one document and turned to Amanda and Sonny on the couch. "This is the form that you two will fill out to create a new birth certificate. It has both of your names on it, Leo's name... once you sign it, it goes to the Vital Records department and you'll receive the new, official copy from the state of New York in a few weeks."

"Once this is done, you and Sonny are allowed to leave the hospital with the baby with Mia's permission," Brady continued. "From that point forward, after forty-five days, the adoption is permanent. Irreversible." He looked between Mia and Teresa, over at Amanda and Sonny, then back to Mia again. "Is everybody clear?"

"Uh huh," Sonny said as Amanda nodded by his side.

"Yes," Mia agreed.

"Good." Brady slid a form in front of Amanda, along with a pen. "Now, Amanda, Sonny, if you two will just look this over and make sure everything seems right..." He offered them a playful grin. "Sure you don't wanna change his name? Last chance..."

"Nah. He's been Leo to us for awhile now," Sonny assured the lawyer with a smile.

"Very good." Brady's features went serious again as he turned to Mia once more. "Mia, do you have any questions at all?"

Amanda lifted her eyes from the document on the table, her heart suddenly in her throat. She tightened her arms around Leo, the movement imperceptible but the response automatic. Despite how thrilled she was upon Leo's birth, it didn't totally quell her anxiety around the circumstances. She still wondered if seeing Leo would be a powerful enough experience to change Mia's mind around giving him up for adoption, and while on some level Amanda would understand it, it would still devastate her. She cast a quick, nervous glance over at Sonny, but he was leisurely reading over the paperwork in front of them. He was so trusting; to him a promise between family was as good as any legal document.

Mia shook her head. "No. I feel good about this. This is what's best for the baby." She met Amanda's eyes. "For Leo."


"Hey, everybody, Leo's home!" Sonny called into his parent's house on a cold December Sunday. Exhausted but both wearing wide grins, he and Amanda stood in the threshold of the kitchen with a sleeping Leo in his carseat carrier between them. Nobody had met the baby yet; he had stayed four days in the hospital in order to monitor his eating and weight. Mia had been discharged two days earlier, but aside from a couple of curious text messages about Leo's progress, she had kept her distance.

"Lemme see!" Luca's voice shouted from the other room, the sound of his scampering feet preceding him. He barreled into the kitchen and skidded to a stop in front of his parents, immediately followed by Mrs. Carisi carrying Ruby on her hip, Jesse, then Dominick Sr. Luca peered into the carrier curiously. "That's my brother?" the little boy wondered.

"Mhm," Amanda nodded, crouching down to Leo's level to move the blanket away from the baby's face so Luca could get a clearer view. "That's your brother."

"Oh, look at him," Sonny's mother gasped, pressing a hand to her chest as she gazed down at the infant, "he's just precious!"

"He's so small, mama," Jesse observed, standing by Luca's side and looking at Amanda with a furrowed brow. "How come he's so small?"

"He was born a little bit before he was done growin', that's all," Sonny explained lightly.

To Amanda's relief, Jesse asked the same question she had when both Luca and Ruby had been born: "can I hold him?"

"Sure you can," Amanda replied, reaching into the carrier and pulling Leo from his confines to cradle him against her chest. She carefully stood upright again as she suggested, "let's all sit in the living room, huh?"

With Luca close at her heels, Jesse ran into the living room, jumped onto the couch and immediately stuck out both of arms, her little fingers wiggling in anticipation. The adults followed her, Amanda taking a seat on the other side of Jesse so she could gently pass her oldest daughter the bundled-up infant. "Remember, hold his head up," she reminded Jesse, gently readjusting the little girl's arms to hold the baby in a more relaxed way.

"Good job!" Mrs. Carisi praised her from the armchair where she sat with Ruby on her lap. "You're a pro at this by now."

Jesse beamed proudly at the compliment; Leo was almost irrelevant as long as somebody was acknowledging that she was good at something.

"How's Mia doin'?" Dominick Sr. wondered, perching himself on the arm of his wife's seat.

"Pretty good," Sonny replied, dropping down to sit next to Luca in order to supervise how he crowded Jesse's side. "No complications or anything. She went home a couple days ago."

Dominick narrowed his eyes on his son. "Did you get all the paperwork with the lawyer squared away?"

"Yeah, what could be done," Sonny nodded, gaze flickering between Luca and his father. "Went over it with everybody right after he was born."

"Well, where is it?" he pressed.

"I dunno, dad," Sonny sighed, rubbing his eyes. "In the car somewhere?"

"Maybe you should-"

"Dominick, please," Mrs. Carisi interjected wearily, "the baby just got home. Give 'em a second to breathe."

"Can I touch his head, mama?" Luca asked, enviously focused on his older sister holding Leo, his hand already hovering over the baby's face.

"Sure," Amanda agreed before adding, "nicely."

Dominick opened his mouth again to offer casually: "He's a handsome kid. Thank God he doesn't look like E-"

"Yeah, we know," Sonny interrupted, holding a hand up to indicate that the topic of Ethan was definitely not up for discussion now - and probably not ever.


Amanda woke with a start. She blinked the room into focus: the bed was a mess of tangled sheets and Sonny's side was empty. Her head felt woozy, like she was drunk, but she knew she was only exhausted. Uncoordinated fingers grappled for her phone on her nightstand: the screen revealed that it was three sixteen in the morning. With a huff, she released the device and looked back over at the empty expanse of mattress. She and Sonny were alternating feeding Leo, which meant they each got to steal a couple of hours of sleep every time the other one was awake downstairs.

Sitting up, she switched on the light and slowly made her way out of bed. She plucked her Atlanta Braves sweatshirt up from off of the floor and tugged it on over her t-shirt - which was now stained with formula - before scraping her hair back into a ponytail. Barefoot, she crept out of the bedroom and into the dark hallway, then padded softly down the stairs. Almost at the bottom, she paused when she heard Sonny talking to someone. Her brow furrowed in confusion as she peered around the corner to see his lanky frame moving around the kitchen, dressed in the gray sweatpants and the wrinkled white t-shirt he had fallen sleep in a few hours ago. There was a shadow of stubble along his jaw and the salt and pepper coloring around his temples appeared more pronounced with how disheveled his mass of hair was, but despite how rumpled he looked, he was assembling a bottle with precision.

"Alright, little guy. I know your mother only gave you two ounces earlier, but I'm gonna give you three," Sonny spoke as he measured out the powdered formula. He cast a glance over his shoulder at the baby in his swing in the adjacent living room as he added water then twisted on the cap. "Y'know why?" he continued as he put the completed bottle in the microwave, "'cause I think you can handle it." He jabbed at the appropriate numbers to allow the bottle to heat briefly. "We gotta get you growin', alright? It's important. You've gotta lot of things to accomplish. You could be a basketball player like your old man. Although clearly that didn't get me very far..." He gave a cynical snort at his own comment before adding, "you get my point. Or maybe you don't, since you're only eighteen days old... but my point is, I love ya and I wanna see you do some great stuff. So does your mother. Your brother and sisters, too, they just don't know it yet..."

Grinning, Amanda steepled her fingers over her mouth to keeping from laughing, although her heart was growing big and warm in her chest. After composing herself, she opted to take the final step down onto the landing and clear her throat loudly instead.

Shaking up the warmed bottle, Sonny turned around, eyes wide with surprise at the sight of her. "Hey, what are you doin' up?"

"No idea. Just am." Amanda shrugged as she padded toward Leo. She carefully removed him from the swing and held him upright against her chest, where he made little grunts and whimpers but didn't cry. She leaned her cheek against the top of his head and swayed gently; fluctuating around six pounds, it was as if she was barely holding him at all.

He nodded and yawned as he shuffled toward the couch and dropped down into the cushions. He waved her over and she joined him, first passing the baby over to Sonny before she settled down next to him. She curled her legs underneath her, resting her knees up against the side of his thigh as she watched him nudge the tip of the bottle's nipple into Leo's mouth. The baby initially scrunched up his face in protest and Sonny grunted in disapproval, then Leo acquiesced and began to drink in earnest. Amanda released the breath she hadn't realized she had been holding and relaxed deeper into the couch. Since Leo was born so small, gaining weight now that he was out of the hospital was the main priority. Every time he was fed, she experienced a twinge of anxiety, because it wasn't as simple as it had been with her other children. The nurses had warned them that it would take extra encouragement to get him to eat as much as he should.

She rested her elbow on the back of the couch and dropped the side of her head in her palm as she studied Sonny's profile. "So, what were you guys talking about?"

Sonny's brows knitted together. "Huh?"

A little smile toyed at the corners of her lips. "Seemed like a pretty one-sided conversation."

"Oh. Y'heard that," he mumbled sheepishly.

The hand holding up her head toyed languidly with a stray strand of her hair, which desperately needed to be washed. "Mhm."

Sonny's gaze lingered on Leo, who was still dutifully drinking, then he looked over at Amanda. He appeared uneasy as he admitted, "I'm just a little worried, is all."

Amanda frowned. Her fingers stopped toying with her hair as her blue eyes searched his features. "'Bout what?"

He released a sigh as Leo spit out the nipple of the bottle, his little mouth suddenly sealed shut. "He's so tiny..." Sonny answered her, leaning in to set the bottle on the coffee table despite the fact that it still had milk inside. He shifted the baby so he was sitting up, using one of his big hands to brace him and another to give him a series of pats on the back to burp him. "He's gonna gain weight and stuff, right? Be normal?" he concluded, his worried gaze meeting Amanda's eyes.

Her frown deepened. "Yeah, Sonny," she insisted softly, shifting closer to him. She dropped her hand away from her head and let it linger at the nape of Sonny's neck. "He's just gotta keep eating. The doctor said he could even gain up to a pound a week." She gave the muscles at the base of his skull a reassuring rub. "He's gettin' there. Don't worry."

Leo hiccuped and his eyes began to drift shut as he fell asleep; it was a struggle to keep him awake long enough to eat. "I just want him to be healthy, like our other kids. That's all," Sonny explained, carefully repositioning the baby to attempt to feed him again. He hovered the bottle over Leo's face, waiting for the moment when he could sneak it back into his mouth.

"Me too." Amanda reached over and toyed with Leo's tiny bare feet, running her thumb along the soft soles and over his little toes. She thought it might get him to wake up, but he didn't seem fazed. Instead, she leaned in, took a gentle hold of both of his ankles and peppered both of his feet in kisses. Leo began to wriggle and mewl, his eyes slowly blinking open in response to the sensation. "Oh, there you are," she cooed with a smile, peering up from his toes.

Seizing the opportunity, Sonny stuck the nipple of the bottle back between Leo's lips before the infant knew what was happening. He fussed for a few seconds before instinct took over and he began to drink again.

"See? It's alright," Amanda said as she sat up again, needing to convince herself just as much as Sonny.

Sonny cast a sideways glance over at her, giving her a coy smile that crinkled the corner of his eyes. "We're a good team, you and me."

"Yeah. We should get married and have some kids and stuff," she teased.

He waggled his eyebrows and chuckled. "Y'think so?"

"Mm." Amanda leaned in and kissed the corner of his mouth before she dropped her head to rest it against his shoulder. She let out a yawn and allowed her eyes to flutter shut. Her stomach growled. "I hope you're planning on feeding me next."


Amanda was leaned back against the headboard of she and Sonny's messy bed while Jesse climbed all over her as if she was a human jungle gym. With the remote in one hand she lazily thumbed through the television channels, but between her daughter's antics and how exhausted she was, her attempt was half-hearted. Jesse eventually straddled her mother's lap and gave a couple of enthusiastic bounces with her knees against the mattress. Amanda closed her eyes in frustration; only one more hour until her oldest had to go to bed. When Jesse stopped moving, Amanda felt her daughter's little fingers toying with her favorite necklace.

"Mama?" Jesse said.

"Hm?" Amanda grunted, too tired to bother opening her eyes again.

She felt Jesse tug at her jewelry. "What is this?"

Amanda reluctantly cracked open one eye and looked down at her chest. Jesse was rolling the tiny gold charm between her thumb and forefinger. "Huh?" she answered uselessly. "It's an arrowhead."

"How come?" Jesse pressed.

"How come what?" she sighed wearily.

"You wear it all the time?"

"'Cause it's special. I've had it since I first became a police officer. Courage, protection and... strength, I think. That's what an arrowhead means."

"I want one."

"Maybe I'll get you one when you're older."

"Can I be a police officer with you and dad, when I grow up?"

Amanda raised her eyebrows and looked at Jesse with an amused grin. "By the time you can be police officer, me and dad will be old and gray."

Jesse appeared confused. "Daddy's already gray."

"Mm. Good point," she grinned. With renewed interest, she picked up the remote again and began to flip through the television channels once more. Jesse slumped forward, wriggling around so she could lay on top of her mother, which was still somewhat obnoxious but at least it allowed Amanda to see the screen.

Sonny entered the room with Leo in his arms and Frannie at his feet. "What are you girls doin'?" he wondered as he carefully placed the baby in the bassinet near the end of the bed.

"Watchin' television," Jesse mumbled into Amanda's chest.

"You gotta do that directly on top of your mother?" Sonny chuckled.

The little girl nodded. "Uh huh."

Amanda suddenly stopped listening to her husband and daughter. Her eyes were fixated on the television, her hand holding the remote frozen in mid-air. Dateline was flashing images of the Labott family across the screen before replacing it with helicopter footage of the NYPD and NJPD siege on their household. Amanda could feel her heartbeat quickening as clips of private, disturbing Labott family movies came next, haunting scenes of the children engaging in cult-like rituals filling her bedroom. The narrator described it all with morbid intensity: "...siblings had been suspected of stealing food and being disrespectful, authorities said. The children said they had been tied up with ropes at first and then, after learning to wriggle free, restrained with increasingly larger chains on and off over six years. Two of the Labott girls, eleven and fourteen, had been hastily released from their chains when police showed up. Children were deprived food and things other kids take for granted, such as toys and games, authorities explained. They were allowed to do little except write in journals that may corroborate the horrific stories they told investigators. Some suffered from severe malnutrition and muscle wasting. The eleven-year-old Labott daughter who was shackled to a bed had arms the size of an infant. Now-deceased Esther Labott, age twenty-seven, appeared-"

"Change that garbage," Sonny ordered sternly, immediately sitting down beside Amanda and reaching over for the remote.

Amanda jerked her hand away, oddly anxious to hear the television presentation even though it was making her warm and queasy. "Wait, no, I-"

"'Manda, c'mon. Stop," he pleaded with her, tugging at the device. He gave a quick tilt of his head in Jesse's direction, as if to say, do you really want her seeing this? "C'mon."

Her eyes flickered from the screen, down to Jesse and over to Sonny before she tossed the remote over to him. She didn't even know why she wanted to hear what such a flimsy excuse for a news show had to say about an investigation that had so deeply traumatized her; it likely wouldn't tell her anything she didn't already know. Maybe she would always be a glutton for punishment. Amanda put both her arms around Jesse and swallowed down her nausea, unable to keep from wondering about the well-being of the remaining Labott children. They didn't know that she had been the one to fire the bullet that killed their oldest sister, but she still hoped for their forgiveness.

Sonny quickly changed the television over to the History Channel, prompting Amanda to roll her eyes. He stretched out his legs next to hers and bent an arm behind his head lazily as he leaned back against the headboard. For awhile, they all sat relaxed in silence, although Amanda's mind was still turning. Her fingers toyed with Jesse's hair, the little girl's breathing becoming slower and steadier as time passed until Amanda caught sight of her closed eyes.

"Y'think it's strange that Mia's gonna spend Christmas with her dad this year?" Amanda eventually wondered quietly, not wanting to wake the child now sleeping soundly on top of her.

"I don't think it's strange," Sonny told her. "I think this is part of Mia, y'know... this is her tryin' to reset herself. Tryin' to figure out what she's gonna do next."

"I hope she doesn't move back to Connecticut," she mused, brushing a lock of hair away from Jesse's pink cheek.

Sonny yawned and shook his head. "Nah. She couldn't wait to get outta there once Teresa told her they were movin' back to the city."

After a moment of quiet, Amanda looked over at him again and asked innocently, "what are you gonna get me for Christmas?"

He appeared thoughtful. "I'll... uh, pay your Bloomingdale's card," he offered.

She waggled her brows, eyes bright with mischief. "Can I put some more stuff on it first?"

Sonny cast her a warning look.


Sitting alone by the multicolored light of the Christmas tree, Amanda folded laundry. The monotony of the task was making it difficult for her to stay awake, as was the time - eleven o'clock at night was obscenely late to her now. Fighting a yawn, she tossed one of Sonny's ancient t-shirts back into the basket and pulled her hair out of its ponytail, officially defeated. She stretched out on the couch beneath a chenille knit blanket, rested a forearm over her eyes and allowed them to fall shut, savoring the way the plush cushions of the sectional cradled her tired limbs. It was a luxury to care for a five-week-old infant without having to simultaneously nurse her own recovering body back to health, but it was no less exhausting to figure out what their new 'normal' was with four children under the age of seven. So she enjoyed the momentary peace, allowing herself to drift into the hazy space between sleep and awake even though there was still a laundry basket filled with clean clothes to be organized.

She eventually heard Sonny's heavy footsteps coming down the stairs but her body felt too leaden to move or acknowledge him. She felt him approach her and as she fluttered her eyes open, she saw him maneuver his lanky frame above hers. His mouth immediately met her own and she smiled into the sensation. "Mmm, Sonny..." Amanda murmured sleepily against his lips. The rest of her body responded to his presence automatically: her legs parted to make room for his hips atop her own and her arms threaded loosely around his neck. "What's the-"

"He just fell asleep," Sonny answered her question before she needed to ask it: she was wondering where Leo was, although it wasn't as if he could go very far. Beneath the tangled blanket, one of Sonny's palms gripped her ass, hoisting her leg around his waist. "C'mon, we've got a little while with everybody sleepin' at the same time and I know you can be quiet if you try..." he goaded her, the smirk evident in his voice.

Amanda grinned. "Mhmm..." A hand slid between their bodies to palm him teasingly through the mesh fabric of his basketball shorts. Suddenly, she wasn't so tired anymore.

He released a low groan of approval before nuzzling his face into the crook of her neck. "God, shit, sometimes I get so jealous of the kids, hangin' on you all the time. Is that crazy?" he breathed hotly. "I know it's crazy, it's just, sometimes it's hard to share you..."

Her heart squeezed in her chest, overwhelmed with affection and desire for the man who had made her life this chaotically wonderful. Turning her head, she nipped at Sonny's earlobe before whispering against the shell of it, "you're crazy. You're crazy if you think there's anybody else I'd want hangin' on me but you." She peppered kisses against his cheek and along his jawline. "I'll always be yours first."

The hand against her hip started tugging at the waistband of her leggings, his fingertips dragging the fabric downward. "I just miss... you."

"Baby," she whined. She arched her back beneath him, hips wriggling to facilitate his eager fingers even though their position wasn't making it easy to get her out of her clothes. "I'm right here."

"Mm," he rumbled into her mouth, "I love you..." He braced his weight on one forearm by her head, but his other hand slid beneath her t-shirt to roughly palm at her breast.

She kept her hips lifted to allow just one of her legs to bend and be freed from the dark fabric of her leggings and underwear, then she immediately wound her bare limb around his waist again in her impatience. "I love you," she answered him breathlessly, "so much." She writhed beneath him, warmth pooling at the base of her spine as she rolled her body against him and he ground down into her in return. Amanda suddenly felt like an overeager teenager who was stealing a secret moment with her boyfriend; she felt like she could have exploded from friction alone. She blindly shoved the waistband of his shorts and boxers downward, fingers closing around his hardness to give him a few firm strokes. She guided him until he brushed against her entrance and then he pushed himself inside of her without waiting for any other assistance; their bodies slotted together with such familiarity and ease. She let out an audible exhale at the sensation, her teeth sinking into her lower lip as her chin tilted toward the ceiling, her eyes falling shut to lose herself in how deliciously full she felt. Her body was taut until it melted around him, ready and eager for anything he would give her.

"God, yeah..." he growled salaciously. His thrusts were slow and deep at first, but his pace quickened almost immediately. She met his movements easily, hungrily. There were moments between them that were languid and luxurious, where they could dreamily reacquaint themselves with all the details of one another that they had come to love so much - but this was definitely not one of those occasions. They didn't even consider taking the time to remove all of their clothing.

"Baby, yes... oh..." Amanda let out a gasp, suddenly breathless at how good he felt inside of her, as if she had somehow forgotten. The angle that his hips met hers was perfect, striking an ideal rhythm against the bundle of nerves that was already primed and ready to combust. She tightened her leg around his waist and dug her nails in his back. "I..."

She knew Sonny could feel her; he knew her body so well. "Already? You're gonna come for me already? Jesus, 'Manda..." His words were dripping with a lustful kind of awe, like he was proud of himself. He roughly burrowed his face into the crook of her neck, teeth nipping at the space just below her ear. "Lemme feel you..."

Shivers rippled down her spine. Her mouth fell open and her head tilted back as her orgasm bloomed in the pit of her stomach and spread through out her body, muscles tensing and releasing, tensing and releasing. Her eyes fluttered closed as she lost herself in the warm rush of feeling. "Mm, yes," Amanda rasped, instantly greedy for more as her wave crested and crashed. She carded fingers through Sonny's unruly hair before nipping kisses at his mouth, purring, "you're so good for me, baby."

With the hand that wasn't supporting his weight, Sonny gripped behind one of her knees and bent it forward, deepening the angle that she was receiving his thrusts. She arched her back further, offering herself up to him, both sets of her fingers now biting into his shoulders as encouragement. His body was joining hers fast and hard, Sonny's frame hovering just above Amanda's, his heavy-lidded eyes flickering between their colliding hips and her flushed face. A coquettish smile tugged at her lips as goosebumps rose on her hot skin; she liked being admired.

Sonny's hold underneath her knee tightened further, as if he was afraid she was going to go somewhere. "I'm gonna come," he breathed before his forehead dipped to press against hers. "You feel so fuckin' good... fuck..."

A small cry caught in the back of Amanda's throat at the renewed force of his movements, sparks of excitement and adrenaline lighting up all of her nerve endings as she held on to him to ride out his orgasm. Panting raggedly, Sonny collapsed on top of her, both of their half-dressed bodies radiating incredible heat. Amanda felt his face nuzzle into the crook of her neck, the grit of his stubble a stark contrast against soft skin, his breath coming rapid and hot. Legs relaxing, she wrapped her arms around him, one of her hands stroking lazily through his hair while the other settled against his back. Amanda smiled as she felt Sonny's lips press a kiss into her jaw, then against the spot right beneath her ear, the searing sensation making her shiver. She responded with a small but deliberate roll of her hips, causing him to grunt in surprise against her neck. He was still inside of her, but she liked it that way.

"Sonny?" Amanda broke their silence meekly.

"Hm?" he replied distractedly. His hand was soothing up the outside of her thigh, underneath her shirt, over one of her breasts that he had groped free of her bra earlier.

She pulled in a breath. "I'm sorry if I don't, if I get distracted by the kids and I-"

Amanda felt Sonny's head lift slightly. "Hey, no. No way," he insisted, his voice quiet but firm. "That's not what I meant, by what I said." He cupped the opposite side of her face and kissed her cheek. "You're a great wife and a great mother," he murmured against her skin. "You're a great everything."