AN: This chapter was originally almost 10k long. I had to control myself for the sake of... well, chapters. :)


even when there is no star in sight / you'll always be my only guiding light


August, five years earlier.

On a humid summer night, the ancient air conditioning unit hummed in their small Long Island City apartment. Propped up on pillows, legs draped over Sonny's lap, Amanda was leisurely stretched out across the couch after her last day at SVU before a month of bedrest began. At eight months pregnant, every little thing felt more challenging; her feet were swollen, her back ached, and she swore her stomach grew three sizes by the end of every shift. She hated admitting her limitations but they were too hard to ignore now, even sitting behind a desk, because the mere act of hauling herself up from her chair was a chore. Most of all, she despised the brief but mildly judgmental gazes from her male colleagues, as if her pregnancy was some kind of embarrassing disability she should have kept hidden at home all along. Sonny, on the other hand, got jovial claps on the back and handshakes, like he deserved some sort of praise for merely having sex with her.

Amanda thumbed through content on her phone's screen. She lost herself in catching up news - both legitimate and celebrity-related - while Jesse slept and Sonny surfed the television channels. She was glad to be home, at her most relaxed, but when she began to think about her usual getting-ready process for tomorrow a rush of anxiety gripped her chest when she remembered she wouldn't be going into the precinct in the morning. In fact, it would be months before Amanda would step foot back in SVU again. She lifted her free thumb and began to gnaw at the skin around the nail, actively shifting her focus back to the words glowing on the device in front of her.

"What's it feel like?" Sonny's curious voice broke through her thoughts as she felt his big palm soothe over the curve of her stomach.

Her eyes never strayed from her screen as she continued to scroll through an article about all of the ridiculous rules Kim Kardashian had set for her pregnancy surrogate. "What's what feel like?" she replied distractedly.

"Havin' him in there," Sonny clarified, prodding her belly with a finger.

A smile tugged at the corners of Amanda's lips and she lifted her gaze. "In the beginning it feels like... fluttering. Like a little fish is swimming inside of you," she explained. "Now that he's big it's like, something heavy rolling around or shiftin' side to side. Especially after I eat."

"That's my boy," he beamed proudly.

She waggled her brows playfully. "As a reminder, he especially likes Cherry Garcia and those garlic knots from Napoli's."

Sonny quirked his own eyebrows. "Noted."

With a wriggle, Amanda settled deeper into the cushions and focused back on her phone.

"'Manda?" Sonny spoke again after a few minutes of comfortable silence.

"Hm?"

"I've been thinkin'..."

She looked up from her screen, wide-eyed and hopeful. "About orderin' some garlic knots? I'm starving," she breathed excitedly.

"No," he replied with a roll of his eyes. Upon seeing her immediate disappointment, he added hastily, "well, I mean, yeah, we can do that. But... something else."

Amanda watched his profile expectantly, but he didn't go on immediately. Instead, the hand that wasn't settled atop the swell of her stomach picked at a piece of lint on the shin of her leggings, his eyes intently focused on the thinning black fabric. She frowned as she pressed him, "what, Sonny?"

Sonny released an exhale before he turned to look over at her. He appeared almost self-conscious about whatever he was going to say. "Growin' up, you know how my dad and me didn't always get along so well," he began slowly. "You know what a hardass he can be."

Her gaze searched his uneasy features and she set her phone down, letting the device lean against her abdomen. "He can be intense, yeah..." she agreed carefully, unsure of what direction the conversation was headed in.

"He pushed me really hard," Sonny continued,"in school, with sports, everything. He was always on my ass. Don't get me wrong: I understand now that he just wanted the best for me and I love him for that. I just..." He pulled in a big breath before admitting to her sheepishly, "this baby, I wanna make sure I don't do that with him. I wanna make sure he doesn't feel pressured to be one thing or another..."

"You're already a great dad to Jesse," she reminded him gently.

He was quiet for a moment, his palm smoothing a slow, thoughtful circle over her stomach. "This is different," he eventually concluded, the motion of his hand stopping.

"Why?" Amanda pressed him, genuinely confused.

"Jesse's a girl," he explained wearily. "Fathers and sons... it's just a different kinda thing."

Furrowing her brow, she sighed. Wincing with the effort it took to maneuver her heavier body, she attempted to sit up a little straighter. She set a hand atop his and squeezed his fingers. "This kid stuff, Sonny, we're both figuring it out together," she said. "Sometimes I think, sometimes I think without you, to this day I still wouldn't know what the hell 'Ferberizing' meant..."

A smile twitched at Sonny's lips, although he was still glowering down at her legs over his lap.

"Everyday I hope that I'm doin' right by Jesse," Amanda went on, "I didn't exactly grow up with the best examples. I worry all the time I'm gonna do something like my mother, say something like my mother, look like my mother-"

Sonny cringed and cast her a pleading look. "Don't go there, please."

She rolled her eyes. "But, seriously, Sonny: you couldn't be less you if you tried - and you're the most gentle, understanding man I know." She squeezed his hand atop her belly as she added earnestly, "this baby is lucky to have you for a daddy."

Sonny gave her a genuine, appreciative grin before he leaned over to kiss her. When he pulled away, she felt his body relax a little deeper into the couch. Her honest words of encouragement seemed to placate him, because he shifted his attention back to the television, allowing Amanda to return her focus back to the celebrity gossip waiting on her phone.

"So," he spoke up again after a mere five minutes of quiet between them. He prodded her belly, "how many of these are we gonna have?"

Amanda rolled her eyes again. "Ask me that again after this one makes its way outta me," she mumbled.

"Four is a nice even number," Sonny suggested lightly.

"You're insane," she scoffed with a laugh.

"Three," he bargained.

"Maybe."

"We're gettin' married first, of course."

"I told you: I'm never gettin' married."

"Right."

Amanda could feel Sonny's gaze on her, his blue eyes undoubtedly searching her features, causing her cheeks to tinge pink like they always did when he started prodding at details of their potential future - the ones that she pretended not to care about. "Stop looking at me like that," she huffed, committed to her facade of irritation as she kept staring firmly at her phone.

"It's just, for somebody who spent so much time playin' cards, your poker face has really deteriorated over the years, that's all," Sonny observed slyly.

Finally lifting her eyes, she narrowed her icy gaze on him. "Y'know, if I wasn't so damn fat, I'd..."

Sonny waggled his eyebrows. "You'd?"

"I dunno," she snapped uselessly, "do something to subdue you."

He looked down at her body sprawled across his lap. "Well, don't worry, I definitely can't go anywhere with all this on top of me, so..."

Mouth falling open in indignation, in one swift movement, Amanda used the side of a closed fist to give him a quick punch in the shoulder in retaliation.

"Ow!" Sonny yelped, flinching in response to the blow. He rubbed at the muscle as if she had really caused an injury. "Jesus..."

She offered him a coy smile before sighing dramatically. "You're annoying as hell, but I do love you, y'know," she admitted, making a point of sounding put-upon, like her relationship with him was some terrible burden.

"I know." He looked obnoxiously smug. "That's why you'll see."

"See what?"

"You'll see that I'm right about us gettin' married and havin' a buncha kids."

She sighed again, making a show of appearing weary.

"I'd like two girls and two boys," Sonny told her casually. "That'd be good."

"What d'you think you're doing? Ordering at a drive-thru?" Amanda laughed, eyes wide at Sonny's boldness.

Wearing a charming, boyish grin, he put both of his hands up in mock surrender. "I'm just sayin'."

She shook her head, although she was actively fighting her own smile. "You say a lot of things."

"I always mean them," Sonny reminded her.

"Did you also mean it about the garlic knots?" Amanda wondered sweetly, batting her eyelashes flirtatiously.

It was Sonny's turn to heave a sigh. He reached over to grab his own phone off of the table by the couch, appearing a combination defeated and seduced. "Have you ever known me to turn down an opportunity to eat?"


"You better save me some of that gingerbread you made, alright?" Amanda said aloud in the kitchen, her phone resting on the island, Jesse on the other end of the speaker.

"A whole plate!" her daughter shouted excitedly, content in Staten Island at her grandparents' house for the weekend. "But you have to share it with daddy and Ruby."

Amanda grinned. "Oh alright, I guess so," she sighed dramatically. She fiddled with the Christmas card she had been attempting to write for the past twenty minutes. "Love you, baby. Give Luca a big kiss for me."

"Uh huh. I will," Jesse promised. "Night, mama. Night, dad!"

"G'night, Jess," Sonny called, finally pulling his head out of the refrigerator with some of the ingredients he needed for the dinner he was assembling. "Love ya."

After hanging up, the quiet sound of Christmas music filled the room again, combining with Sonny rustling around for pots and pans and the electronic, rhythmic hum of Leo's swing in the adjoining living room. The baby monitor crackled on the counter, displaying the image of Ruby rolling around in her crib as she tried to fall asleep for the night. With a deep breath, Amanda looked back down at the card in front of her. She had been standing at the island filling all of the others out with ease; she didn't send many, except to the few people she still communicated with in Georgia.

Mama - Merry Christmas! Amanda's pen hovered over the exclamation point, unsure of what to write after it. Her teeth sunk into her lower lip as she thought. She could say that she missed her, but that wasn't necessarily true. She could talk about the kids... was that really what a Christmas card was for, though? It felt awkward. Hope you have a good holiday. Thinking of you, she eventually scrawled, cringing as the superficial words appeared in black ink against the red card stock. Love: Amanda, Sonny, Jesse, Luca, Ruby & Leo. It wasn't like the sentiment was a complete lie...

"Is that a Christmas card or a doctoral dissertation?" Sonny quipped, obviously noticing the look of pained concentration on her face.

"It's for my mother," she grumbled, finally closing the card and setting down the pen.

"Ah." He wiped off his hands on a dishtowel and moved to come up behind her, palms setting on her upper arms. He brushed strands of long blonde hair away from her temple with gentle fingers and kissed the side of her head. "You're so pretty," he hummed sweetly.

She smirked down at the address she was writing as she murmured, "must be that luxurious five minute shower I took earlier."

Sonny's hands slid down to her waist and he tugged her backward by the loops of her jeans. "Dance with me."

"I'm doin' something," Amanda replied coyly.

"Frank Sinatra's on. Gotta take a break for Frank," he insisted playfully.

She heaved a melodramatic sigh and turned around to see Sonny wearing a boyish grin, holding out his arm and wriggling his fingers with the expectation that she would take them. Unsuccessfully biting back a smile, Amanda put her hand in his so he could lead her the few steps into the adjacent living room. With their bodies flush to one another's, she loosely hung her free arm around his neck. She felt his other palm slide to the lowest spot on on her back as they began to sway in a slow, leisurely circle to the sound of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.

Amanda smiled up at Sonny. There was stubble forming along his jaw and darkness beneath his blue eyes - he was tired, just like she was, because caring for Leo and three little kids was a lot of work - but he was still wearing his warmest grin. With her free hand, she reached up and cupped his cheek with her palm, her thumb ghosting over the curve of his lower lip.

"What?" Sonny wondered, a playful glint in his eye.

"Nothin'," Amanda replied innocently.

With a knowing smirk, he stepped away from her to use their entwined hands to coax her into a playful twirl. Laughter bubbled up from Amanda as she spun away and then back toward Sonny, then he caught her flush against his frame once more. She tilted her chin up to look at Sonny again, smiling widely as she hung her arms around his neck. "I love you," she admitted breathlessly, "that's 'what.'"

The hand at her back slid a few inches lower to give her ass a teasing squeeze. "The twirl. Gets ya every time," he concluded with a smug smile.

With another little laugh, Amanda rose up on her toes and kissed him. "Yeah, that's what it is," she mumbled sarcastically between small, affectionate pecks.

"Love ya," Sonny murmured against her lips.

From his swing, Leo made a squeak loud enough to get both Amanda and Sonny's attention.

"Oh, are you lookin' to cut in?" Sonny teased the baby, peering over Amanda's shoulder with a quirked eyebrow. He broke his embrace with Amanda briefly to scoop the infant out of his confines, then gently held him to rest against his chest. He was so small that Sonny only needed the crook of one arm to keep him there. "I guess I can share..."

Now the baby was between them, one of his chubby cheeks settled against Sonny, one brown eye curiously blinking at Amanda. She let one arm drape over Sonny's neck again as her other palm rubbed Leo's back. "How'd I get so lucky, dancin' with two handsome gentlemen at once?"


Christmas Eve was always spent with Sonny's parents. It was cold enough to snow that year, but the weather was unlikely to deter the hoards of family and friends that always flocked to the Staten Island home for a massive holiday meal. Sonny's mother managed to cook and bake everything while simultaneously maintaining the role of flawless host all night. Amanda had long given up trying to figure out how the hell she did it - she simply appreciated Mrs. Carisi's genuine love for the people in her life.

Before her relationship Sonny, the holiday didn't mean much to Amanda, but by now she knew exactly how special it was to the family she was so grateful to be apart of. Having children had changed her perspective, too. It was sweet to watch their palpable excitement blossom over the season, plus, Amanda got a secret thrill out of picking out their holiday outfits every year. That evening Jesse was in a red sequin dress with capped sleeves and a tulle skirt she could twirl, Ruby was in simple, midnight blue taffeta and Luca was desperate to wear a navy suit like the ones he saw his father put on every day. Amanda had dressed Leo in a dark green sweater to contrast against the little red bandana around his neck - the accessory was a nod to her southern roots that she had used with all of her babies to combat drool - but now the colors had the baby looking seasonally appropriate.

Dressed up and hungry, they all piled into their month-old SUV to head to Staten Island. Amanda referred to the steel gray Ford Explorer as Sonny's fifth child; the new car was precious to him. It was purchased out of practicality - it could transport all of them and it wasn't a hideous minivan which Amanda staunchly refused to own - but every time Sonny saw a handful of Cheerios rolling beneath a seat or Goldfish crackers smashed into the carpeting, he had a minor heart attack. Neatness was not Amanda's strong suit, but she did her best to keep the vehicle tidy after any of the kids left it, knowing how much the truck meant to Sonny. He did so much for all of them as a husband and a father, it was the least she could do to keep the car aesthetically pleasing.

As they entered the familiar neighborhood, Amanda peered at herself in the mirror: tendrils of blond hair hung wavy to frame her face, the rest gathered in a purposefully loose chignon at the base of her neck. Manicured fingertips prodded the strands for what had to be the hundredth time that night, encouraging them to fall into place exactly as she wanted them to.

Sonny reached over the center console and batted her hand away from her hair. "Stop doin' that, will ya? You look great," he said with a chuckle. "Why are you actin' like you've never met my family before?"

"You know holidays make me anxious," Amanda sighed. "Plus, this is different."

Even in the dark of the car, she could see Sonny's confused expression. "It is?"

She rolled her eyes. "Yeah. Leo."

"I don't think he cares about your hair," Sonny quipped as he turned the SUV onto his parents' street.

Amanda bit back a snarky reply. "I just want, I wanna make sure everybody thinks we're... doin' a good job with him," she explained.

Sonny's expression softened. Wordlessly, he set his hand on her knee and squeezed.

Cars were crammed into the driveway and around the Carisi home. Once parked, they all headed toward the house, Jesse and Luca running ahead while Sonny carried Ruby and Amanda toted Leo in his car seat carrier. Huddled on the doorstep, Sonny reached for the doorknob a mere second before the door flew open to reveal his mother.

"Merry Christmas!" Mrs. Carisi greeted them joyfully, her arms wide as she ushered the group of them inside the warm, bustling house. She stepped back to admire them all in the foyer, beaming proudly as she took in all of the children's holiday outfits as Amanda peeled off all of their coats. "Look at you all!"

"Hey, ma," Sonny replied as they all crowded into the house. "Merry Christmas."

"My handsome son," she cooed as she hugged him tightly before she moved on to Amanda, squeezing her with similar enthusiasm. "My beautiful daughter. I'm so happy to see you." She patted both of their cheeks affectionally before pulling away. "I hope you're hungry."

"Nana, nana!" Luca exclaimed, standing directly in front of Mrs. Carisi and puffing out his chest. "Look at my tie!"

"Wow!" Mrs. Carisi gasped with a grin. "Did you tie that all by yourself?"

Luca looked over his shoulder at Sonny, then back at his grandmother impishly. "Dad helped."

Mrs. Carisi smiled before she crouched down and gave Luca a hug. "You look very handsome. Just like your father."

"Jesse, you look just perfect," Mrs. Carisi told the little girl as she stood upright again, clasping her hands together approvingly. "And you're absolutely adorable, Ruby," she added, taking the youngest girl's chin between her fingers. She turned to Jesse again and asked, "will you take your sister in to see your grandpa? He's in the living room with everybody just dyin' to see his girls."

"Uh huh!" Jesse took Ruby's hand when Sonny set her down and began to carefully walk with her sister through the kitchen toward the living room, her pace slow and uneven as she waited for the younger girl to catch up.

"Now, let me get my hands on this precious little one." Mrs. Carisi reached into the carrier to pull out Leo. "What an angel," she breathed, holding him close to her chest. She kissed his fuzzy head before declaring, "you belong right on top of the tree!"

xxx

Dominick Sr. appeared in the doorway of Sonny's old bedroom, looking curious. "Hey. What are ya doin' up here?"

Sonny shook up a bottle, then eyed the consistency of the formula inside. "Gotta feed Leo. Little guy waits for no one," he explained. He could hear the party rumbling downstairs below them. "I know ma wanted to sit with him but she's in the middle of three conversations..."

"Ah, I see." Walking further into the room, Dominick looked at the bottle, then at the infant wriggling impatiently on his back on the bed, then back at Sonny. He smiled hopefully at his son. "Can I...?"

"Yeah, sure ya can." Sonny waited for his father to take Leo into his arms and sit in the armchair in the corner of the room before handing over the bottle. He watched as the baby drank eagerly; Leo didn't care who was feeding him and it was a relief that it wasn't a struggle. Sonny dropped onto the edge of the bed and exhaled before joking to his dad, "kinda weird to sit without anybody hangin' on me."

"I bet. He's gotten so big so I last saw him." Dominick smiled down at Leo, "haven't ya, buddy?"

"He's eatin' a lot better. We've really been trying to stick to a good schedule with him," Sonny explained.

"I can tell you-"

"Dad!" Jesse's voice shouted suddenly from the hallway.

"What?" Sonny called back automatically.

The little girl skidded into the room, surveyed the scene and grinned, her eyes alight with mischief. "Nothin'," she admitted sweetly, "I just wanted to see where you were."

He rolled his eyes. "I'm right here." He raised his eyebrows the longer he looked at her: the skirt of her dress was rumpled and her hair was disheveled despite the fact that Amanda had pulled part of it back in the barrette of Jesse's choice earlier. "What happened to your hair?"

"Huh?" She gripped her two hands against her head and scrunched up her nose, confused, then shrugged a moment later. "Oh. It musta gotten messed up when me and Angelina, we were playin' Barbies in the fort we built."

"Ah. Well if you go downstairs lookin' like this your mother is gonna have a fit." He waved her over before giving her arm a gentle tug so she was standing between his knees. He coaxed her to turn around so she wasn't facing him. "C'mere, hold still..." He gently took the barrette from her tangled strands and held it between his teeth while he gathered up half of her hair to pull it away from her face. When he was satisfied that it was neat enough, he clipped it back so the barrette sat at the center of the back of her head. Over the years he had become rather skilled at these kind of tasks. "There."

Jesse immediately spun around to look between the two men. "Is it dessert time yet?"

Sonny and his father exchanged smiles. "Soon, I think," Dominick Sr. replied.

"You wanna share a big piece of tiramisu with me?" Sonny asked Jesse.

The little girl nodded excitedly. "Yeah!"

"You better go down there and get a seat right in front of it, then." He poked playfully at Jesse's belly. "You know how your Aunt Gina and cousin Nico like it, they could eat it all between just the two of 'em..."

Jesse's eyes grew wide with horror. "No!" she gasped before scampering out of the room and pounding down the stairs. "I want some tiramisu!" Sonny heard her yell.

Amused, Sonny shook his head and grinned. A moment later his attention was drawn to his wrist, where his Apple watch buzzed with a notification from Liv: she had sent both he and Amanda a text message: Merry Christmas! Big hugs to you and the kids.

"Sonny?" his father said.

He looked up from prodding at his watch. "Yeah?" He was surprised to see his father was watching him intently, wearing a sheepish smile.

"You really are a... you're a great dad," Dominick told him quietly, sounding as if he was admitting to something he had had on his mind for awhile. "I'm proud of ya."

Sonny shifted in his spot awkwardly, surprised and momentarily rendered speechless by his father's compliment - something he was genuinely flattered to hear. It was suddenly very warm in his old bedroom. He cleared his throat as his palm rubbed at the back of his neck absently. "Thanks, pops."


It was two thirty in the morning and Ruby was shrieking. Her little face was bright red, tears rolling down her chubby cheeks as she wailed despite her mother gently bouncing her up and down against her hip in a vain attempt to soothe her. The sound had startled both Amanda and Sonny out of their tenuous state of sleep, sending them running toward the second youngest child in their home. They found Ruby agitated and warm, prompting Sonny to dig out the thermometer, which he was now struggling to read in the dim lighting of the baby's room.

"What's it say?" Amanda asked, her tone more pleading than curious.

Sonny rubbed his eyes and squinted at the digital screen of the thermometer. "Man, I'm either really tired or really gettin' old..." he muttered. "A hundred and one."

"Shit," she sighed, looking down at Ruby in her arms as the little girl continued to cry. One of Ruby's small hands was positioned by her right ear, her fingers grabbing at it haphazardly. "It's probably her ear again," Amanda concluded. "She keeps pulling at it..."

"My ears aren't doin' so good right about now, I can tell ya that," Sonny remarked sarcastically.

As if on cue, Amanda heard another sound: from the direction of their bedroom, even over Ruby's wailing, she was certain she heard Leo crying, too. "Wait, wait, listen," she ordered Sonny, holding up her free hand.

"I just told you my-" Sonny paused mid-complaint, his eyes widening as he, too, heard Leo in the next room. His features crumpled in melodramatic horror. "Oh, God, is that the other one?"

"C'mon, c'mon, let's just, go to our room," she suggested hastily, anxious that all of the noise was going to wake up Jesse and Luca - and then they would really be miserable.

They scurried into their bedroom and shut the door, and while Amanda helplessly hovered over a crying Leo, Sonny rummaged around their bathroom for medication for Ruby.

"Alright, sweetheart, this'll make you feel all better..." Sonny emerged brandishing a plastic syringe filled with sticky red children's Advil. He prided himself on administering medication to the kids now; he saw it as a personal challenge to get as much of it into their mouths with as little dribbled down their faces as possible.

"Dada, dada, no..." Ruby moaned, shaking her head and waving her hands in protest as Sonny approached her with the medicine. "No." She only knew a few words and was utilizing the majority of them.

"C'mon, Ruby. Open up," Amanda coaxed, voice sweet and soft even though her daughter was too uncomfortable to notice. When Ruby begrudgingly accepted the medicine from her father, there was a blessed bout of silence that followed as she swallowed it - but it was hard to appreciate with Leo howling near by.

"There ya go, atta girl," Sonny praised his youngest daughter, quickly moving the syringe out of sight as to not provoke anymore tears. Sonny then moved to stand over the infant's bassinet, grumbling, "this is a nightmare."

Amanda went back to wandering around the room with Ruby, hoping to keep her whimpers from growing into full-blown cries again with the soothing movement. "Just feed him, Sonny," she implored him irritably, "don't just stand there."

"He ate an hour ago," Sonny insisted, reaching down to carefully pick up the crying baby. "How do you know he's hungry again?"

"It was two hours ago," she challenged him.

"It wasn't, Amanda," he huffed, snatching the half-empty bottle off of their bureau resentfully. "It was two."

"It was," Amanda argued wearily, smoothing a palm over Ruby's warm face as the baby thankfully stuck a thumb in her mouth. "And even if it wasn't, there's only so many other options to choose from."

Sonny prodded the nipple of the bottle against Leo's lips, but it only made him wail more forcefully. He turned his head away as his cries got louder. "See, he's not hungry. I told you he just ate," Sonny concluded haughtily. "It's only been an hour, that'd be crazy..."

"Okay, fine. Change him? Swaddle him again? Walk him around a little? Why are you acting like you've never had a baby before?" she snapped, tone as agitated as she was beginning to feel. Her head was pounding from a combination of exhaustion and frustration, although only one of those feelings was fair. Infants were difficult because they didn't tell anybody what they needed; a person had to make an educated guess, but it was often a sloppy game of trial and error. Selfishly, in that moment Amanda just wanted Sonny to know what to do so they could all get some rest. She wanted him to fix it, like he so often fixed every other problem they had.

"Alright, alright," he grumbled. "I'm just fuckin' exhausted."

"So am I, Sonny!" she lashed out before she could stop herself. "That's why I'm annoyed I have to go over Baby 101 with you."

"Hey, lose the attitude, okay?" he retorted irritably. "Your bitchin' is never particularly helpful."

"You're the one doing the bitching, Sonny. Not me," she retorted. "You can be such a damn whiner sometimes."

"Well maybe that's because I'm always the one gettin' screwed outta sleep!" he argued.

Her mouth fell open in annoyed exasperation. "You got the same three hours I did."

"Two. I got two," Sonny challenged her childishly. "Yesterday I got three."

"Oh my God, shut up, will you?" Amanda moaned. She nuzzled her face into the top of Ruby's head, murmuring, "c'mon, Ruby. Let's go sit in your chair, huh?" Turning on her heel, she left the bedroom to retreat to Ruby's, dropping down into the armchair there. She let out a huff as she adjusted the baby on her lap, who whimpered and wriggled in discomfort. "Shh, s'alright," she cooed, wrapping her arms around her warm little body. She felt a twinge of guilt for abandoning Sonny, then a rush of new annoyance and exhaustion that ultimately kept her right where she was in her seat. She remained there until Ruby was sleeping soundly against her chest an hour later.

Carefully, Amanda maneuvered Ruby back into her crib without waking her. She crept back down the hall into her own room, which was now quiet. The light was still on, but Leo was sleeping in his bassinet and Sonny was laying on his side in bed, his back toward the door. Remorse tugged at her chest again.

She sunk down onto the mattress and reached out a hand to set it on Sonny's arm. "Hey. I'm sorry I was a bitch," she told his back quietly.

"S'okay," Sonny grumbled.

Amanda prodded his bare shoulder. "Will you look at me, please?"

"Seriously?" he groaned without moving an inch. "I literally just closed my eyes five minutes ago, Amanda."

Frowning, she opened her mouth to say something else before thinking better of it and snapping it shut again.

xxx

It was the feeling of Sonny's warm, sturdy frame pressed against her back that gently roused Amanda from sleep. As her eyes fluttered open, his arms encircled her, and she felt his face nuzzle into the crook of her neck. Her mouth formed a lazy smile but she didn't speak; she let her eyes fall shut again and savored the peace. Nobody was crying, whining or screaming. Her alarm wasn't going off. Frannie wasn't whimpering and pawing at the edge of the mattress. Nothing.

It was Sonny's quiet, husky voice that eventually broke the silence. He murmured into her hair, "I'm sorry 'bout last night."

"No. No, I'm sorry," she whispered anxiously, cringing as she remembered their heated argument. Before she could stop herself, she admitted sheepishly, "this is really hard."

He wriggled closer and tightened his arm around her. "Mm. It is," he rumbled. "S'alright, though."

Amanda peered over her shoulder, but she really couldn't see Sonny given the angle, with his face buried in her mess of hair and hidden in between her neck and shoulder. "Promise?" she wondered timidly.

"Mhm," he replied sleepily. "S'all I've ever wanted."

She felt a new twinge of guilt. "I know."

"You okay, babe?" he asked, voice clearer now as he became more aware that she was bothered by something.

She pulled in a deep breath and exhaled it slowly. "I'm just... I really am sorry I got so overwhelmed that I snapped at you how I did, is all." She wiggled to turn around in his arms. Sonny was resting his cheek on his bicep, blinking at her lazily beneath his massive crown of unruly hair. She adjusted her own pillow beneath her head before puffing out her lower lip childishly. "I really never anticipated how hard it was gonna be having four little kids," she confessed. She felt embarrassed as the words left her mouth, but she forged ahead anyway, "it's so much different than three."

Sonny grunted and rubbed at his eyes roughly. "Well," he yawned, "my mother-"

"Not helpful," she interrupted him immediately, absolutely not interested in hearing a story about how flawlessly the matriarch of the Carisi family raised four children.

He heaved a sigh. "Don't think too much about it all, 'Manda," Sonny told her. A lazy, lopsided smile played at his lips. "We both were tired and pissed off last night. We're figurin' it out, but at the end of the day, we love the kids. Isn't that all that matters?"

The sincerity in Sonny's voice made Amanda smile; she knew she had given him variations of this speech when he needed it, too. "Yeah," she nodded. "Yeah, it is."


"Mama?" Luca appeared at the doorway of Ruby's room on a lazy Sunday afternoon.

"Hi, Lu," Amanda greeted him from her spot in the armchair where she was feeding Leo. She craned her neck to peer behind her oldest son. "Where is everybody?"

Luca scampered toward her; he didn't require an invitation. "Ruby's takin' a nap with dad on your bed," he replied as he climbed up to sit next to her, toy firetruck in one hand. "And Fluffy. Fluffy's sleeping."

"Fluffy's a cat. He's always sleeping," she teased him. She shifted as much as she could to make room for him on the oversized seat. "You don't wanna take a nap?"

"I'm not tired." He squeezed his body to fit against her side then peered up at her with big, blue eyes. He appeared guilty as he hugged his toy truck. "Dad took me for a donut in the morning, when we took Frannie for a walk," he whispered, "he told me not to tell you."

"You just told me, silly," she laughed.

He frowned, his lower lip puffing out in disappointment. "Oh... yeah."

Amanda rolled her eyes and grinned. "You didn't bring me one?"

"Dad ate yours," he giggled. Wriggling around, Luca gently set his firetruck atop Leo, so it balanced between his legs while Amanda continued to feed him. "Leo can play with this today," he explained.

She quirked an eyebrow. "Your new firetruck that you got for Christmas?"

"Uh huh." He rested his cheek against Amanda's upper arm as he watched his younger brother drowsily finish his bottle, oblivious to the toy stop him.

"That's so nice of you," she praised him.

"Do you think, do you think when Leo's bigger he'll wanna play 'fire station' with me?" Luca wondered.

"Of course he will," Amanda assured the little boy. "You're his big brother, you'll have a lot to teach him."

"I help Ruby with her spoon," he reminded her randomly.

She smiled, amused. "Yes, you do."

"She's not very good at it," he went on. After a thoughtful pause, Luca continued, "I'm happy I have sisters, but I like a brother."

Amanda tilted her head to look down at her oldest son. "Yeah?"

Luca nodded. "Uh huh."

"That makes me happy, too," she smiled.

Another beat of silence, then: "mama?"

"Hm?" She looked at Luca expectantly.

The little boy grinned sweetly up at her. "I think you're the best mom."

Amanda's heart swelled in her chest. "Thank you, baby. I'm glad you think so."


"Sonny?"

He looked up from the copy of the Ledger he was reading to see his sister standing in the middle of the precinct: Teresa was bundled up in an elegant camel-colored pea coat, watching him expectantly.

"Hey, Teresa!" Sonny quickly took his feet off of his desk and stood up. He looked around SVU, which was fairly empty given the lack of cases. "What are you doin' here?"

"I was just wonderin' if you're able to take a little break?" she asked, closing the space between them and giving him a hug. "Maybe we could get some coffee."

"Ah, yeah. Sure. It's kinda slow," Sonny admitted. He looked over at Fin at his desk, who was very obviously lost in a game on his phone. "Fin, I'm gonna go grab some coffee with my sister. You want me to bring you back anything?"

Fin's gaze flickered up from his screen. "Hey, Teresa. Nah, I'm good."

Sonny and Teresa scurried down the cold New York City sidewalks to Birch Coffee and found a small table to sip their drinks at. He was grateful for the excuse to escape the monotony of the precinct; he hated being trapped there when things were slow.

"So, how's it goin'?" Sonny wondered after a swallow of coffee.

Sitting across from him, Teresa kept her eyes on her mug.

Sonny frowned. "What is it, T?" he pressed his sister. "Tony's not actin' up again, is he?"

"No, no, it's not Tony," Teresa sighed. "He's been great, actually." She finally lifted her gaze to meet her brother's. "It's Mia."

His brows knitted together in concern. "What's wrong with Mia?"

Teresa's manicured palms pressed flat against the surface of their table. "I don't know how to say this..."

"What, Teresa? Is she sick? Is she doin' drugs?" he demanded anxiously. His heart was beginning to race with mounting worry. "What is it?"

"She... she's having second thoughts. About the baby," his sister finally admitted.

His mouth went dry. The coffee tasted acrid on his tongue. "Excuse me?"

"She's miserable, Sonn. She's been crying every day, she can barely get outta bed. She misses him."

"It's been over a month, we-"

"But it hasn't been forty-five days. It's been thirty-nine."

"What, what are you sayin' here, Teresa?"

"I contacted Brady and let him know how Mia's been feelin'."

"You what?" he exclaimed, his voice just below shouting.

"Shh, Sonny!" Teresa hissed, casting a furtive glance around the cafe, "Jesus, don't make a scene."

"Teresa, you - are you insane?" he demanded, "you can't just, you - do you realize what you've started?"

"I didn't have a choice!" she moaned.

"Of course you had a choice!" Sonny disagreed. His voice sounded frantic to his own ears - because he was. "This is, Mia is just... she is goin' through a phase. She's confused. This'll pass. She is just, she knows Leo is better off with us. He's our son."

"Biologically, he's Mia's," she argued.

"So, what?" he balked. "She's just gonna, take him from us? After all this time?"

"'All this time,' Sonny? It hasn't even been two months," she challenged him icily, her face stony as she glared at him from across the table.

His sister's words felt like a punch in the gut; he was momentarily rendered speechless.

The harshness in Teresa's features softened; maybe she noticed the hurt in her brother's eyes. "I have to take care of my daughter, Sonny, and my daughter is in pain," she continued quietly. "She doesn't sleep, she doesn't eat - this isn't a phase. Talk to me the next time you carry a human in your body for nine months then give it away to somebody else, okay?" She jabbed a finger at the tabletop. "There are six days left before this adoption's set in stone so I did the only thing I knew to do."

Sonny leaned back in his chair, his arms crossed tightly over his chest and his jaw tense as he gazed defiantly out of the window. He couldn't bring himself to meet his sister's eyes, too afraid of what words would come out of his mouth - the type he wouldn't be able to ever take back. "I can't believe this is happenin'," he seethed, "I can't fuckin' believe this..."

"I wanted to tell you before he got in touch with you and Amanda," Teresa went on.

He jerked his head to look at her again, features hard. "How considerate of you," he sneered sarcastically.

Teresa appeared pained. "Sonny-"

Sonny's phone began to vibrate in his pocket and he was glad for the distraction - both from the conversation with his sister and from the frantic thoughts racing though his head. It was Fin's name on his caller ID; he was hoping that meant there was work to be done.

"What's up?" he answered the phone.

"Hey, we caught a case," Fin's voice replied. "Meet me at Spring street?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'll be right there," Sonny agreed before hanging up. He shoved his phone back into his pocket and returned his gaze to his sister. "I gotta go back to work."

"We aren't done-"

"I have to go to work, Teresa. Remember what that is? That's something people do when they aren't livin' off their rich ex-husband," he interrupted her cynically as he stood up and roughly shouldered on his coat.

Teresa leapt to her feet. "This conversation isn't over."

"You're right, it isn't," Sonny agreed, voice now low and threatening as he narrowed his eyes on his sister. He couldn't remember the last time he had ever been so furious with her. It was then that a sickening rush of disappointment washed over him: it was really his beloved niece that he needed to direct his anger - and his questions - toward. "Like hell this is over."