Four points of the same star
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Detective Conan .
FOUR POINTS OF THE SAME STAR
Chapter 14
My real feelings.
Conan was lying on his bed, hands crossed behind his head, gazing at the blank ceiling. Bright moon rays filtered into the room through the shutter holes.
It was nearly midnight but he didn't feel like sleeping. He was still too alert and there were too many things running through his mind: the events of the past two days kept replaying in his head.
They, Ryu, Haibara, Rei and himself, had faced Scotch, a member of the Organisation, and had narrowly escaped death.
There had been consequences, though: Rei had been shot at an arm and Ryu had been wounded so badly that he had risked to die for the blood loss. His desperate situation had forced him and Haibara to use the temporary antidote pills that she had been carrying with her so that they could give him the blood for a transfusion.
Ryu was fine now, thanks to the lucky coincidence that the four of them shared the same blood group; had it been different, Ryu wouldn't have survived.
Conan sighed. He couldn't shake off the feeling that had been nagging him ever since the four of them had left the forest, looking for a clinic.
He hadn't helped the others.
Besides the blood transfusion, he hadn't done anything. If it wasn't for Rei and, especially, for Ryu, he might not be there. They had protected him and Haibara in the woods from Scotch, putting their lives in great danger while they did so.
Moving slightly in his bed, Conan wondered if he would have been more helpful if he had been in his true state; had he been Shinichi, how would have things gone?
He quickly found out that it wouldn't have made any difference.
For the first time, the first time in his life, he realised that he could be a burden rather than an aid.
Even though he could equal the others in knowledge, he wasn't at their level when it came to frontal encounters. He didn't know how to fight or shoot properly. What help could he give if they found themselves in a similar situation again? Or in a worse one?
Haibara's case was different because she had skills that he hadn't, thanks to the training that she had undergone in the Organisation from the youngest age. As a matter of fact, she had been the one to knock down Scotch.
Even if they were all the same age, he felt as though he was a step behind Ryu, Rei and Haibara. A small but yet very important step that he absolutely wanted to climb.
He had talked to Ryu about this yesterday.
He knew that the other boy would have understood and would have probably helped him.
What he didn't expect were Ryu's words..
Conan closed his eyes and memories came back to his mind.
-:-
It was about four in the afternoon and they were all at Agase's house.
Shinichi, Shiho, Ryu and Rei had finished to tell Professor what had happened after their sudden departure and the old scientist was totally shocked.
"Bu.. but, no one else knows that you're here, right?" he asked, looking at the teens seated at his kitchen table. He looked at each face, looking for a positive response. "You're all safe now, right?"
"We're safe at the moment." Ryu remarked quietly, "Scotch said that he had come alone and I think that he was sincere. He wanted to get Rei and me on his own so that he could get all the merits. I think that he was the only one to know where we lived."
"What if he told everything to his killer?" Agase retorted.
"To Gin?" Shiho asked in reply, her elbow propped on the table and her chin lying on her open palm. "Knowing him, he probably thinks that Ryu must have left his hiding since Scotch knew where it was, even though not specifically. It's the same thing that we suggested after he tried to kill me at the Beika hotel."
"Hmm, you could be right, Ai-k... Shiho-kun." Hakase replied with a nod, looking thoughtful.
"What I'd like to know is how Gin found out where Scotch was." Shinichi said, leaning on his chair, "No one besides us and Megure, who I called, knew that he was in that woods.. Do you think that the Organisation could have put someone to follow him since they thought he was in collusion with the two of you?"
"Then why didn't they take advantage of the moment?" Rei retorted, looking over Shiho towards him, "I mean... when you three managed to knock down Scotch.. in that moment, we were totally and completely defenseless. If Gin or some other agent was there, he could have easily killed us all. I don't think that they would have wasted that opportunity to get us if they were there."
"You're right.." the young detective admitted, cupping his chin with his hand, "It won't make any sense. Then how..? Hang on..." Shinichi's head shot up. "What if they knew of my call to Inspector Megure? What if they heard that call?"
"That's what I was thinking too." Ryu remarked, turning to him and looking grave. "The Organisation could have bugged the local police station's phone lines. They might have a few suspects about Beika: they met Shiho here a few months ago and I was seen here too. It's too much of a coincidence that two ex-members are seen in the same place; besides, they know that Shinichi lives here and since they're not so sure that you're dead, they could have bugged the phone lines at the police station in case you showed up, asking for help."
A stunned silence in the room greeted Ryu's words.
"Good thing you used the bow tie to change your voice, Shinichi." Rei said, after a while, "Otherwise, they would have known that you're still alive."
"Yeah, but this brings out another big problem: it means that there are double-crossers in the Japanese police, too." Shinichi remarked, sitting up, "What can we do? The Organisation is slowly expanding everywhere. "
The room went silent again as the four teenagers thought of what was going on.
Agase got up suddenly.
"I think that it would be better if you don't think about this now."
"WHAT?" the four teens exclaimed together looking at him.
"Listen, you all have to rest." the old scientist stated, " You have gone through some hard moments in the last 24 hours. Ryu-kun and Rei-kun, you're both injured: I think you should rest a bit. I'll call you when dinner's ready. Shinichi-kun, Shiho-kun, why don't you help them go upstairs? And you two rest a bit, too: donating blood weakens a lot. And no complaints."
He said the last sentence very firmly.
The teenagers looked at each other with a slightly amused expression and nodded in agreement.
Shinichi helped Ryu go upstairs with his crutches while Shiho and Rei walked behind.
"When will the antidote's effect wear off?" Ryu asked as they stopped in front of the girls' room.
"Around eleven thirty." Shinichi answered, "That's why I'm staying here tonight. I can't go back to the Mouri's in this form."
"Why not?" Rei asked, "Mouri-san would be happy to see you."
"Yeah, but I don't want to see her..." Shinichi replied absently and paused as his last few words sank in. He looked up and saw Rei and Shiho staring at him.
'Well, someone's finally being honest...!' Rei thought, amused.
"See you later..." he mumbled and went into Ryu and Agase's room and closed the door.
'Where the hell did that come out from?' he thought, running a hand through his hair.
Ryu came in a few moments later and lied on his bed, wincing as his bones and muscles ached. He looked at his side and saw that Shinichi was staring at him from his futon.
"Scotch beat you up well, huh?" he said.
"Yes, I didn't think that he would be so strong." the blond replied, slowly stretching out his legs. "My entire body is aching. The wound doesn't hurt much now."
"Maybe you should sleep a bit."
"Yeah and you too. Rei told me that you three haven't slept much in the surgery."
As in cue, Shinichi yawned. Ryu smiled slightly.
"Good-night, then."
"Yeah, good-night."
-:-
It was nearly nine o'clock.
They had just had dinner together: none of the teens realised how hungry they were till they saw the table full of food. Agase had foreseen this and had prepared quite a lot of things.
Ryu and Shinichi were back in there room while Shiho and Rei were in the lab: they were going to check if there were any news about Scotch's murder on web. Ryu had wanted to help too but Agase and Rei stopped him, saying that for the next weeks he would be only resting and shouldn't even try to work.
Complaining was useless, so Ryu went back upstairs with Shinichi; Agase had asked the detective to keep an eye on Ryu.
"Seems that I'll have to spend the next weeks lying on this bed." Ryu said with a frown, "Joy..."
Shinichi sat down on Agase's bed and smirked.
"Bored already?" he asked teasingly.
"I'd like to see you in my place." the engineer retorted, "There are thousands of things to do and I can't just stay here... calmly in bed. First of all, we should call Matt."
"Why?"
"Well, it was the second step of the plan, remember? We're almost done with the files: there are only another few more to work out. We could call, talk to him, send him all the information we have and start the final step and bring the Organisation down."
Shinichi kept quiet: he wanted to bring the Organisation down. God knew how much he wanted it. But after what had happened with Scotch, he wasn't sure of being able to help as much as he wanted to or be up to the others' expectations. The final step of the plan would mean that they would have to face even more dangers. If he wanted to be useful, he had to learn how to behave in certain situations.
"Oi, Shinichi, are you all right?" Ryu asked.
Shinichi looked up: Ryu was staring at him.
"You look a bit.. worried. Are you sure you're ok?" he asked again.
"Yes, I... well, no, not really." he replied. "I was just thinking of what happened yesterday."
"What about it?"
"Well, as a first thing, I think I have to give you my apologies."
"What for? You only warned me from myself. Your words helped me and stopped me from killing." Ryu smiled, "As for the wounds and injuries, I should have been more careful. I underestimated Scotch. It's not your fault. Really."
Shinichi smiled slightly.
"Ok then. By the way, Ryu, can I ask you a thing?"
"Sure, what's up?" he asked, slowly sitting up.
"How much did it take you to learn everything you know?"
Ryu looked slightly puzzled for a moment.
"Everything I know?" he repeated.
"Not your studies." Shinichi hastily added, "All the rest."
"Oh, I see." Ryu said, understanding what he meant, "Well, I took a martial arts course back in America and while I was in university, I joined the boxing club with Matt. I only did it to get some fighting skills: I didn't care of matches or else. Then, while I was entering FBI, I had to follow a shooting course along with a self-defence one: they were compulsory courses to become an agent. As soon as I got in, I got in contact with a bomb disposal expert and he taught a few things about weapons and bombs."
"Did Rei do the same?" Shinichi asked.
"She followed the FBI courses with me and Matt; then she took a martial arts course, too. She should be pretty good." Ryu grinned. "That's why I never want her to get angry: she could kill me, mind you. And that's all, I think. She followed other courses but they were all advanced classes of computer science."
"And at the Organisation? They probably tested you, didn't they?"
"Yes, they did but I knew they would. They tested all my skills: strength, physical stamina, reflexes, ability to shoot with different kinds of guns, aim and fighting skills. That's the test all members have to go through: Ai told me so."
Shinichi didn't even look at him: Ryu, Rei and Haibara were all prepared to face the Organisation but he wasn't. Not at all.
Ryu stared at him again. He had understood what was going on and where he was getting with all his questions.
"Shinichi, there is something else, right?"
The boy looked up and nodded.
"Ryu, I was wondering if you could teach me some basis of fighting and shooting." he said. "Yesterday, I realised how unprepared I was. You were right when you said that Haibara and I had to turn into our normal states soon: we're not able to protect ourselves when we're two kids. However, afterwards I understood that I couldn't have done much even if I was in my real state. Haibara could have helped you and Rei but I would have been only a burden."
Ryu looked at him. He knew what it meant to feel like that: wanting to help someone at any cost but being unable to do it because of a lack of skills and abilities. Feeling useless..
Flames... Wood burning and creaking... A pleading scream for help...
"Listen, I understand very well how you feel.." Ryu began, shaking off unbidden memories from his head.
"So, will you teach me?" Shinichi cut him through, eagerly.
"Hey, wait!" Ryu said, slightly taken back by his behaviour. He sat up, leaning on the head bed and turned to him. "Listen, I will be outspoken." He was serious.
"I've learned how to fight and shoot decently after two years and after courses and practice. You probably want to learn in less time because you want to help us block the Organisation, right?" Shinichi nodded. "Well, it will be hard to carry out. I mean, it will take me a few weeks to recover and even more time to walk without the crutches.
Then, there's you: you will become Conan. Ai's working hard on the antidote but I don't think it will be ready that soon."
"So, you can't help me?" Shinichi asked, crestfallen.
To his great surprise, Ryu smiled.
"I didn't say that. I just said that if you want to learn, you will have to suffer because it will be tough." he said, "Very tough. So, you're sure you want to learn?"
"Of course." Shinichi replied. "When will we start?"
"Hang on..." Ryu remarked, "There is a thing I need to know before. Why do you want to learn to fight and shoot?"
Shinichi looked at him with astonishment.
"I've already told you why I want to do it." he said, "I want to help bring the Organisation down and I don't want to be a burden."
"That's not a reason: that's your objective." Ryu retorted, "You need a reason otherwise, I don't think you'll be able to go through the ...er- lessons I'll give you. Believe me, you need a good reason: something that spurs you and supports you when you are in a difficulties."
"What was your reason?" Shinichi asked, unable to give an answer.
"What is my reason, you mean." he said, "Well, you know my story: I don't have to repeat it. For the last five years, I had only one thought in my mind: discover the truth about my family's death. I don't know if it was a reason or an obsession, but it gave me the strength to overcome difficulties. I encountered many of them: both in studies and in entering FBI."
"Rei must have your same reason." Shinichi remarked, "She decided to enter FBI to know the truth about her parents."
"Probably. But there are also others factors now.." Ryu said, "After I entered FBI, another reason spurred me, along with my family's thought."
"What was it?"
"Protecting the people I care about: the Xanders, Matt,.. Rei." Ryu smiled embarrassedly, "Especially Rei. I think that's good reason: it gives you strength to go on without giving up. You know, I think Shiho must have had a similar thing in her head while she was in the Organisation. Maybe, she thought of her sister and that helped her to bear living in such a dark and cruel place." Ryu glanced at Shinichi. "Everyone has a different reason to do or want to do something. It can be the desire to find out the truth or the thought of protecting the ones you love. These are for example, the reasons that have let Rei, Shiho and me get through all a series of difficulties.
Now, which is yours?"
"I..I don't know." Shinichi said quietly.
"Sorry but until you find out why you really want to fight and to shoot, I'm not going to even consider the idea of teaching you." Ryu said firmly, " Don't misunderstand, I'm not doing it because I don't want to help you; it's all the way round, I think that if you clear up your mind, you'll find the real reason that spurs you and you'll be able to go through the hardest of trainings and learn all what you want. So, as soon as you'll know your reason, we'll start, ok?"
Shinichi nodded.
-:-
'Why do I want to learn to fight and shoot?'
He had been thinking of the answer to this question for the entire day but he still hadn't come to a conclusion. He sighed again. Why was it so hard?
'Let's see... I don't have secrets of my past to discover as Ryu and Rei and fortunately, my parents are safe and sound.' he thought.
Conan had decided to clear his mind the same way he solved cases: coolly, logically and considering every hypothesis.
'Well, this brings me to the second option: protection. Let's see, who would I want to protect? My parents and Agase that knows me since I was a kid... No, I care for them a lot but this isn't the reason. Er- who else? My friends! Hattori... No, I'm not doing it for him. Rei.. I care a lot for her, too but it's not her. By the way, Ryu's with her: I know he will always protect her. I can trust him to protect my.. 'Neechan Rei. Ryu... he's a good friend and I felt guilty that he got shot but no... It's not him either..'
Conan opened his eyes and sat up. There were two persons left in his "examination". The same people that had been coming back to his mind very often in the last two days.
Ran and Haibara.
'Ran... I really care for her. We have been friends for so long that I can hardly remember. And after I've disappeared into thin air, the day we went out together at the park, she's been waiting for me to come back, crying almost every night. I know this only because I live here as Conan: she never told Shinichi how she really felt. She never told me anything when I called: she just asked when I was coming back or what I was doing for so much time. Maybe, she trusts me more as Conan. The little boy that she treats as a brother, to whom she says everything without hiding her feelings. I have felt her pain so many times: I wanted to hug her tight and comfort her. How many times I've been tempted to tell her the truth: Ran, I am Shinichi! I'm next to you!
But I didn't do it: I'm still hiding myself, living the double life of Conan and Shinichi and I'm still lying to her.
Why don't I say the truth?
I don't want her to be in danger.
If the Organisation finds out that I'm alive, she'd risk her life. I don't want anyone to risk for me: that's why I told only a few people about my.. er- double-identity. Mom, Dad, Hakase, Hattori.. he found out on his own and I made him swear not to tell anyone.. Rei, Ryu and Haibara... they know because they are involved with the Organisation even more than I am. I can trust them.
But coming back to Ran, I think that this isn't the only reason. It's true that I don't want her to be in danger but there's more... If Ran knew what had happened to me, would she understand my wish to bring the Organisation down? I came to her house so that I could hear any news about murders and other crimes that could be related to them. Would she understand what it means to me? Would she let me run some risks to find them? No, I don't think so: she would only get worried. If she's worried about me, thinking I'm abroad working on cases, I wonder how much she'll worry if she finds out what I'm really doing. It's better if she doesn't know.'
Conan looked at his watch: a quarter to one. He still didn't feel like sleeping and, anyway, he had to come to a conclusion.
After dinner, Ran had talked with him. She asked him how the camping had gone and why he didn't tell her before. He had to make up a story on the spot and she seemed satisfied. Trying to change the subject, he asked what she had done and she told him about the murder.
An anonymous phone call saying that gunshots had been heard in the woods, a man tied to a tree and shot at the head. An execution. No clues or footprints and the only gun was the victim's. Even her father didn't know how to solve this case (Conan hid a smirk when she said this). Then, they went to the town next to the woods to see if someone had noticed something.
When she came to this point, Ran's face saddened. Conan asked her what was wrong and she just vented out all her feelings. She said that while she was waiting with her father, she noticed a boy that looked exactly as Shinichi, or rather, she was sure it was him. She had tried to catch up with him but suddenly he began to run and she lost his tracks.
Tears of disappointment shone in her eyes when she added that he wasn't alone but with a girl. She didn't see her face because a cap covered it and because she was far from them but, judging by the clothing, she had to be a girl. Conan tried to comfort her, saying that she could have made a mistake since she was too far. Tears slowly flowed on her cheeks but after a while, she hastily wiped them away, saying that he could be right. After all, the last time he had called, Shinichi had said that he was still abroad for his cases. She probably did mistake that boy for him.
She laughed embarrassedly thinking that she was probably running after a couple of lovers that we're walking together, holding hands. Conan had laughed too but he felt a twinge at his heart.
Conan lied back on his bed. He knew why he had felt like that.
'Two lovers walking together, holding hands... Haibara and I? Lovers?'
He felt his face grow hot at the thought.
But, besides that, he noticed that he didn't feel guilty. When he saw Ran's tears of disappointment, he felt sorry for her but not guilty. Not at all.
'I used to feel guilty when she cried for me.' he thought, 'But in these last months, something has changed. I have changed. At the beginning, I thought that I was getting used to be Conan but I was wrong: I can't wait to be Shinichi again.
My attitude towards Ran has changed... I call her randomly: only once a month. I don't spend a lot of time with her as I used to and I don't beg her to take me everywhere she goes. It's not that I don't care for her anymore... I care for her as I care for anyone else... as a friend. That's all.'
Conan gazed at the ceiling.
'What happened? I..I thought I loved Ran. I thought she was special for me.. If I didn't love her, why was I so jealous when Dr. Araide showed up? Why was I so overprotective with her? Could it be possible that what I thought was love was, actually, friendship? A long and beautiful friendship... I know Ran since I was -how much? Five? Yes and we have been together for all these years.
When my parents left to settle in America, Ran often came over to my house to see how I was doing alone. Oh, I was grateful to her but I never told her the truth.
Only Agase and Rei knew how I really felt: all the loneliness in my heart and the pain for the distance from my parents. It was a natural thing, after all, I was only thirteen when they left but I never showed my feelings to anyone.
Agase knew immediately how I felt... He knows me too well: he had seen me grow up. I told Rei, instead, because I trusted her and I knew that she would understand. She was the first person with whom I was totally sincere. I never said everything to Ran.. I never figured out why.
Maybe, because I wanted her to think of me as her cool childhood friend that was a great detective, with a famous novelist as a father and an actress as a mother, that lived in a big house and that didn't seem to have any problems.. I didn't want her to think of my problems: she had her own with her divorced parents. I didn't want her to suffer more...
This is absurd! I thought I was in love Ran for years but I never knew what she felt for me. Then, I shrink into a kid and she confesses me that she loves me. Everything could be perfect and while I'm waiting to be myself again, I find out that I don't love her anymore!'
He had said it.
It took him a few seconds to realise. The words sank in.
'I don't love Ran, anymore... So that's the truth: it has come up at last. Ryu told me that I had to clear my mind to find a reason but it seems that I've found something else. I loved Ran and now, I don't love her anymore. WHY? WHAT HAPPENED?' he thought furiously, clutching his head with his hands, 'WHO DO I LOVE THEN ?'
A few images flashed in his mind.
A little girl with reddish-blonde hair and light blue eyes who was walking in front of him. She tilted her head towards him, without turning around completely:a smile, a faint smile danced on her lips for a few seconds. Then the same girl but ten years older with the difference that she was smiling sincerely. Her features seemed to be burnt in his mind for how much they were clear. He had seen that smile for the first time only two days ago.. but he couldn't forget it.
Conan sat up quickly, eyes wide and heart beating fast. It seemed that his own mind had answered his question. It was something he didn't know or maybe... he had never admitted it to himself.
"Ai...? he said softly, "Shiho?"
He blushed: he had called her by name. It had never happened before. But then, he remembered.
'I called her with her first name the day of the bus-jack... when I rescued her... and also the day I made my promise.' he thought, 'The promise to protect her.'
He thought this over.
'Come to think of it, I don't know why I made that promise. I was worried when she disappeared that day... very worried. I didn't want her to go away.. I didn't want her to risk her life... I didn't want.. to loose her. That's true: I care for her and I don't want to loose her... she's a friend... but love her? How did I fall in love with her?'
He slowly replayed in his mind the first day he met her.
'Her first day of school... she sat down next to me instead of sitting next to Genta.. Ayumi tried to make friends with her... I blushed when she glanced at me and smiled. Then our first case together, her perfect shot at the window to scare the criminal, her perfect childish behaviour in front of Inspector Megure when she faked to cry..' Conan smiled as he remembered this. 'She was good at it: I really thought she was a little kid. I was so annoyed to walk a sobbing little girl home... but then, she stopped in the middle of the street and said that name: APTX-4869. She said that she created it and that her code name was Sherry. She said that she lived at Beika street 2/22.. Agase's address...
I panicked and ran to his house.. just to find him safe and sound.'
Conan lay back on his bed again, thinking of what happened after.
'She told me everything. The Organisation had sent her to inspect my house: they weren't sure that I had really died. She noticed that the clothes I wore when I was smaller had disappeared but she didn't say it to anyone and just wrote down that my death was confirmed... I never thanked her for that. She saved my life without even knowing me and I never thanked her... I'm such an idiot...
Then, she told me of her betrayal: she betrayed the Organisation because they killed her sister. She wanted answers but they didn't give her any... she threatened to stop her researches on the poison and they tried to kill her, handcuffing her to the pipes of a gas chamber. She decided to kill herself rather than be killed by them... she took her own poison.. but it betrayed her. She was still alive and she was a child... well, it didn't take her much to figure out that the same had happened to me. She managed to escape and once out, she went to the only place she knew besides the Organisation's headquarters: my house. Agase found her unconscious in front of my house's gates and helped her... He told her about me and gave her a new name: Ai Haibara. He trusted her immediately... but I didn't. I didn't want to trust her..'
Conan felt a pang of guilt as he remembered the way he treated her.
'She had come to my house because she wanted help. She thought I could understand how she felt, but I... I didn't even want to hear her. I just blamed her. I blamed her for everything: creating the poison, causing the death of many people, causing my shrinking... being one of them... If Agase hadn't stopped me, I would have said even worse things. I can't forget her face: shock, disappointment, guilt and pain. All these feelings flickered on her face, shattering her a cool mask for a few seconds.
How could I be so selfish?
I was angry and frustrated: I hardly knew something about the Organisation, I didn't know how to catch them and I was tired of being Conan. I was also mad because I thought that the criminals we had met that day were members of the Organisation, instead they were only a gang of counterfeit criminals. I just wanted to vent my anger and frustration on someone... and I did it on her. And then, I found out that I knew her sister. Her name was Akemi Miyano but I knew her as Masami Hirota. The woman I had failed to save: she was her sister. Haibara cried in front of me, asking desperately why I hadn't saved her.
What could I say? I just let her cry on my shoulder, without saying anything.'
Conan sighed again and looked at the ceiling.
'She doesn't blame me anymore now.' he thought, 'That's what she said when we talked at the surgery. The only one she blames is Gin. But I can't stop blaming myself: I have hurt her so much... I didn't save her sister and then I blamed her as though she was responsible for all my problems. Maybe, that's why she was sure that I was worried about her only because she's making the antidote. You're the world's biggest fool, Kudo!
You love her but she will never love you back since you have treated her as the worst of criminals the first day you met.'
Conan's heart skipped a beat. He had finally admitted it.
'Out with it, Kudo. You can't lie anymore.' he thought, 'I love her. That's why I stare at her without a reason, I blush when she looks or smiles at me and my heartbeats double. That's why I felt that twitches in the stomach when she was with Ryu the first times. I was... jealous.
Oh God, Rei was right. How did she understand it before me? Does she know me so well? Ok, I've never been good with feelings but these are mine! How did Rei figure them out? If Ai knew this, she'd say that I'm clueless as usual..
I confessed it only to her. To Ai.. no, to Shiho. It's unbelievable..
I saw her for the first time only two days ago and I can't get her out of my head. I've fallen really hard...
How do you call it? Yeah, love at first sight. I, Shinichi Kudo, have fallen for Shiho Miyano from the first moment I saw her while in the previous months, as Conan Edogawa, I was in love with Ai Haibara, without realising it.'
He felt his face grow hot as he finally admitted his feelings to himself. In that moment, he realised many things: many strange behaviours he didn't understand before.
'That's why I spent so much time at Agase's house... I wanted to stay with her, next to her. And the fact that I have to help Rei and Ryu with their files or that I was there to help her with the antidote... all excuses... Hey, wait a minute, these could be excuses but I did go to Agase's place to help. I want to help with the files: I want to help bring the Organisation down and I also want to help with the antidote because I can't wait to be myself again. Besides, this finally explains my attitude towards Ran. Why I didn't want to call her often, why I didn't hang around with her or be with her every moment. Ran's only a friend for me now. I care for her greatly but.. only as a friend.
Ai has taken her place in my heart.'
Conan was struggling with his feelings. He thought of Ran and felt sorry for her: she was waiting Shinichi to come back and stay with her. He didn't want to play with her feelings and make her suffer. He had to tell her the truth sooner or later. And he also had to prepare her from loosing Conan: the antidote would be ready in a month more or less...
And then, he felt a pleasant, happy, warm feeling when he thought of Ai. It was useless to deny it: he loved her. That's all but he also realised how hard this would be for him.
'I don't know much of her.' he thought, 'She was born and grew up in a dark criminal organisation. Her parents' worked for it and after their death, she and her sister had been forced to work for it, too. She never had a family and she hardly saw her sister. Shiho has never tasted a joyful life, she doesn't know how normal seventeen years old live and enjoy life.
All she did was experiments, making poisonous medicine for that Black Organization... but she didn't become like one of them. She's not cruel and bad as Gin and Vodka: she didn't loose her heart. Well, her character has been affected by them. Ai never shows her real feelings and doesn't make anyone feel pity for her despite her tragic past. She's very pretty, very intelligent, cool and mysterious.' Conan smiled, blushing slightly, as he thought this, 'She always looks cold and unruffled. She looks like she's ready to go away, turn her back towards everyone and never mind anything else. However, if necessary, she'll lay down her life for friends... silently and calmly. Like that time at the bus-jack: she didn't go away from the dangerous bus because she wanted to protect everybody. She accepted dead for herself because of her friends' lives. Ryu and Rei are like her. Maybe, that's why they get along so well and why she was so concerned about them when they got wounded. Thinking of it, I'm a bit like her too. However, Ai's... unique... there isn't another way to define her. Her character has many faces: she's tough and feeble, unruly and soft, she's proud but she sometimes feels inferior... all these things make her personality.
Despite her coolness, under the mask she has created to hide her feelings I know she cares for the people around her. She silently takes care of her friends: Agase, Ryu, Rei, Ayumi, Genta, Mitsuhiko... me.
She cares for me... as a friend. She always encourages me and helps me when we find ourselves working in a case together. When I sometimes get nervous or discouraged because I don't figure out a detail of a crime, Ai often calms me down. It's just a word or a look she gives me but it works... I relax and the solution of the case comes.
I never realised how important she is for me... wait, maybe I did know it but I never really admitted it to myself. When I knew that she was still inside the bus, the day of the bus-jack, I hurried and ran to save her. I didn't want to loose her... she's important for me... her friendship is precious for me. Well, we never really said it aloud but we are friends and I think that our bond has deepened with the talk we had two days ago.. as Shinichi and Shiho. We cleared out some doubts we had about each other. I trust her even more than I did before and... I hope, she trusts me more.
As for my feelings towards her... well, I think I'll have to keep it to myself at the moment.
Our friendship's going on well now, I can't.. I don't want to ruin it, saying something she might not accept. I'll love her in silence. I did it for all these past months without even knowing it, I don't think it will be hard to keep my feelings secret now that I know them... or at least, I hope it won't be hard.'
Conan looked at the time again: two in the morning and he still hadn't found the reason for which he wanted to learn fighting and shooting from Ryu. Suddenly, a thought came to his mind.
'Ryu said that a good reason was protecting those you care about.' he thought, 'Well, there are many people I care about... but I already said that I would protect someone... I promised Ai that I would protect her. Why did I promise her that?'
He closed his eyes and concentrated.
The answer was there in his mind or in his heart. He just had to find it.
'Well, I promised her that because... I don't want her to risk her alive... never again. I.. I don't want to see her suffer... I don't want to see her cry again. I don't want her to feel lonely: she's not alone. There are many people that care for her... I care for her. Even more than she thinks of... I love her. I don't want anything to happen to her. That's why I want to learn to fight and shoot properly: when we'll face the Organisation, I'll be there to protect her.'
Conan grinned: he had his mind clear now.
He had sorted his feelings.
That morning, during breakfast, Conan felt strange when Ran greeted him.
He couldn't bear to see her happy face, knowing how she would suffer when he'll tell her the truth about his feelings. But he managed to control himself. Shinichi will hurt her one day but Conan, at least, could do everything in his strengths to comfort her and cheer her up.
Shinichi will be the betrayer, Conan the lovely little brother. It was the only way...
When the Detective Boys came to pick him up, Ai was with them, too. A rare thing.
They usually picked her last. When Conan saw her, he felt heat just rush through his body and his face grew hot. He was sure that he was close to self combustion. He muttered a quick good-morning to everyone and trailed behind Ayumi, Genta and Mitsuhiko.
Ai glanced at him and noticed the two black bags hanging from his eyes.
"Didn't you sleep last night, Kudo-kun?" she asked.
"Er- not much. I felt... er- restless." he replied. Suddenly, her words sank in deeper and he froze.
'How did she just call me?' he thought, staring at her.
Ai understood right away.
"If you don't like it, I can call you as I usually do." she replied.
"N. no." he said, "I don't mind, Haibara. Really. But, how come..?"
"I just wanted to change." she replied, cutting through his question, "We're friends, right?"
Conan felt himself blushing.
"Sure." he said, "We're friends."
"All right. It's better if we hurry up: they're waiting for us." she said, pointing to the three kids on the other side of the street."Come on, Kudo-kun." She turned to him with a small smile on her face.
Conan smiled back and followed her.
'It's a start.' he thought, 'It might not mean anything but.. it's a start... and it sounds less formal than the usual -Kudo'
He smiled to himself and walked to school.
That afternoon, Conan walked Ai back home: he wanted to see how Ryu and Rei were and, most of all, he wanted to talk with Ryu. After having been greeted by Agase, they went upstairs and stopped at the girl's room. Rei was lying on her bed, reading. She looked up and smiled when she saw them.
"Ai, Shinichi, welcome back." she said, sitting up, "How was school?"
"Boring as usual." Conan said, smiling, "How's your arm, Rei?"
"It's recovering quickly. Another couple of days and the wound will be healed completely." she replied. "And then, I'll be able to go on with my work. Did you know that Agase has threatened to hide my laptop if he sees me in the lab?"
"What?" he asked, highly amused, "How come?"
"He said that until Rei's fully recovered, she shouldn't even think of working but only relax." Ai replied with a smirk.
"Really? What did he say to Ryu, then?"
Rei laughed.
"Agase had said the same to him, too but Ryu managed to come to a compromise since his recovery will take a lot more than mine. He will rest all this week, but from the next one, he'll start working." she replied, "Not in the lab but in his room, lying on his bed. In this way, they're both satisfied."
Conan smiled: he knew that Ryu wasn't the type to waste time relaxing, if he had work to do.
"Where is he?" he asked, "In his room?"
Rei nodded.
"Yes, he's been there since lunchtime. I went to see him and he's already complaining that he's getting bored." she said with a smile.
"So, he won't mind if I go and talk with him?"
"No, not at all. Go ahead."
Conan left Ai and Rei in their room and knocked Ryu's door.
"Come in." he said.
"Hi, Ryu. How you're doing?" Conan asked, closing the door behind him.
Ryu was lying on his bed with a book and a Mp3 reader on his side table.
" I'm bored!" he replied, "I'm injured -all right- and I have to rest -I agree- but staying an entire week without doing anything is impossible."
"Well, try to hang on. It's only a week, then you can work, right?"
"Yeah, good thing I managed to convince Professor, otherwise who knows what I'd have done... hey, what's up?" he asked since Conan was staring at him with a slight smile on his face.
"I found the reason." he said simply.
Ryu looked at him for a moment and slowly sat up.
"Really?" he asked, "Well, go on then, what is it?"
"I have to keep a promise. I promised to protect.. a person. That's why I want to learn: I don't want anything to happen to... this person." Conan said. He didn't say that the person in question was Ai, not because he didn't trust Ryu but because he wasn't still ready to admit his feelings to someone. He had admitted them to himself just last night. He looked at Ryu. "Is that a good reason? I mean, will you teach me?"
Ryu glanced at him and smiled.
"Sure. I only wanted you to be motivated and I knew you would find a good reason, anyway." he said, grinning. "Otherwise, why do you think I asked Agase to work in my room from next week?"
A grin spread on Conan's face too.
"To do the training here." he said.
"Exactly. Well, the practical.. er- training sessions. As soon as I'll be able to walk without crutches, we'll have to find another place. A larger place than this room."
"So, we'll start next week?"
"No, we can start right away." Ryu said, "There are a few things we have to sort out before. What do you think?"
"Fine with me." Conan replied eagerly.
He wanted to learn some fighting and shooting skills as quick as possible. In this way, he wouldn't be a burden for anyone and... he would be able to protect Ai.
Another chapter's up. I hope you liked it. I've always had in my mind to write a whole chapter on Shinichi's feelings. I hope you don't mind: it's the first time I write something concerning feelings. Well, I didn't choose a easy subject, did I? I mean, Shinichi of all people..
Please, tell me if it doesn't sound good or if I wrote something wrong.
REVIEW!
Bye!
