Chapter 3
The most awkward conversation… EVER
Carlisle cleared his throat. "Do you need me to stay, or shall I go home now?"
"Go home." Edward said softly, shaking his head in the affirmative at a question asked in silence.
"Sam," Edward began, "maybe you should go home too. The rest of the pack must be worried. I will see Leah safely to the treaty line."
"Take her home." Sam said with a shrug. "We are not permitted to keep an imprint away."
Sam shifted his attention to me. "Li-li, are you okay?" he asked gently.
"I don't know. I don't know anything anymore." I admitted. I grabbed Sam's hand before he could wander away, and looked him in the eyes for the first time in nearly a year without anger and hatred.
"I'm sorry" I whispered.
Sam nodded. He knew that I was talking about so much more than just tonight. He knew me well enough to know that I had seen to irony; the similarities played out here. Sam and Carlisle both left for home. Edward and I were left alone, awkwardly facing one another in the field as the sky began to lighten in the east.
"We should start walking you home." Edward stated.
I nodded in agreement and began to walk toward my home, wondering what I should say.
"I am wondering the same thing." Edward replied. "I have no idea what to say to this."
"What is there to say?" I asked rhetorically.
"How about the obvious? That I am deeply in love with Bella?" he responded far more gently than I would have expected.
"I know." I stated, looking him in the eyes, my mind replaying everything the last hour or so had wrought.
"I felt it too, you know." Edward said, confusing me.
"Felt what?" I asked.
"When I helped you to stand in the clearing, when our hands touched… I felt the electrical flow too." He said. "I heard you questioning if I felt it as well. I did." He ran his hands through his hair as he looked at me, pain in his eyes.
"I felt it once before too... the first time Bella and I touched." He looked off into the distance.
"Yeah, me too; the first time Sam held my hand." I told him.
A part of me wanted to slip my hand into his. This whole "love at first sight" thing was so frustrating. I knew so little about this man -er- vampire. And yet, I felt a compelling trust. Funny that that very feeling of trust spawned fear inside of my heart. Fear of rejection. Fear that I could never be enough. I had not been enough for Sam.
My mind fell back into the usual train of thought as I tried to figure out why Sam had imprinted on Emily instead of me, even though we were already in love. The fact that up until now, there had never been a female transformation was puzzle enough. I had gone to see a gynecologist shortly after I began phasing, to figure out why I had stopped having a monthly cycle. He informed me that all testing showed pointed to early onset menopause. I was barely nineteen years old, and my uterus was already dried up. Maybe this was why fate brought Sam and Emily together. Procreation, continuation of the line. This was my theory anyhow.
"Interesting," Edward said. "sounds plausible."
I blushed. "I forget you read minds."
"I'm sorry, I am so used to having one sided conversations with my family, and oddly, I feel comfortable enough with you to forget to be careful." He admitted.
"I bet your future-seeing sister didn't see this coming." I laughed.
Edward sighed deeply. "No, she didn't. If she had, I would not have come tonight. I love Bella, and I have hurt her and put her through so much already. I would have avoided allowing you to ever lay eyes on me had I known that this was coming." He admitted openly.
"I can't blame you. Nobody wants damaged goods anyhow." I began a rambling rant. "Besides, now that I have seen who she really is, I can't blame you or Jacob. Who would want me over her? There is such beauty in her soul, a simple purity. All I am is a bitter shell of the person I once was. I don't even recognize myself anymore..."
"You and Bella suffer from the same blindness. Neither of you see the inherent beauty that is you. I can see your heart in your thoughts. Even in your anger, you belittle yourself. You fail to see your own value, and have chosen to see Emily as more worthy of Sam's love than you are. You have worn your pain and heart on your sleeve as a defense, but even your pack knows that it comes from a deep seeded love."
"You don't have to be so kind, and you certainly don't have to lie to me." I accused wryly.
"Lie to you? What do you think that I am lying about? I have been very blunt and truthful with you thus far, have I not? I told you outright that I love Bella with my whole being, and that I would have avoided you like a plague had I but known that you were going to imprint on me the moment you laid eyes on me. Why would I lie to you now?"
I shrugged, unable to respond. I was so frightened. So many questions running through my mind… What comes next? In every case I had seen thus far, the imprinted couples grew to genuinely love one another in very short order, and their love lives were settled. Looked like I got to be the lucky one yet again… there was no way that my imprint would ever love me. I was the enemy.
"I must have some huge cosmic bull's eye tattooed on my back." I groaned in frustration. "It's like the 'Guy in the Sky' has a grudge against me. I mean, I must have SERIOUSLY fucked up in a past life or something."
Edward's gait began to slow as we approached the treaty line. It was a line he had not crossed in over seventy years. It was obvious that he felt awkward at the thought of going into the village. I could not blame him.
"You can leave me here." I offered. "I know that this must be really strange for you. And it's not like there is really any reason for you to see me to my door. I mean, you already are in love, and I don't expect anything from you. This..." I waved my hand, indicating the imprint, and my feelings about it, "is my issue. I have no expectations of you."
Edward then shocked me by grabbing my hand, and pulling me against him. He cradled my head against his cold, marble chest and sighed deeply. It was a gentle, friendly embrace, one like I had shared with members of the family, and my pack when my dad died. There was nothing inherently intimate about this, but I could not stop the hammering of my heart at his nearness.
"This was not your doing, Leah." Edward said very softly. "I don't know how this is going to turn out. I feel so badly about it, because I too feel the draw of this 'imprint'. To be completely honest…" he sighed and his voice trailed off. It was obvious that he was reluctant to share this "honest" thought.
I pulled away from his embrace.
"You are not obligated to tell me anything that will make you uncomfortable." I interjected.
"It's not that. It's just..."
"You really don't have to."
"But I do. I feel I owe you complete honesty. It is the only way that any of us will get through this mess. You see..."
I pressed my fingers against his lips in an effort to silence him, but he would not be deterred. He grasped my hand in his, and held it to his chest as he continued. "You see, I felt it. The moment you looked at me. Actually, I felt it the moment your nose touched me... even before you looked at me. It was like gravity moved. The earth shifted. And when you looked up at me, I knew that something was about to change forever. "
Tears began to spill from my eyes, and sobs wracked my body. Tears of joy, and grief; tears of hope, and fear; tears that I had been holding in; swallowing, and inwardly drowning in, finally exploded out of me. Edward picked me up, and carried me into the village. He took me to my house without needing directions. I can only assume that he followed my scent.
He knocked on the door, and was greeted by my very wary mother. Her eyes were frightened at the sight of a vampire, not only in our village; not only entering her house; but carrying her daughter who was crying. She did not say anything, but allowed him past her. He stood in the living room, shifting awkwardly as he asked where he should put me down. My mother motioned towards the couch. Edward crossed the living room, and stooped to lower me to the couch. He tried to put me down, but I clung to him.
"N-no! P-please! Don't l-let me go y-yet" I stammered through my sobs.
I had found a comfort in his arms that I did not think possible for me anymore, and I was unwilling to let it go just yet. I was so afraid that after he left me here, I would never know this kind of comfort again. I was terrified that he was going to leave, and that I would never see him again. It was only to be expected, I told myself.
Edward sighed softly, returning to a standing position. He looked at my mother apologetically, and shrugged. His arms were strong and sure. His scent (which should have burned my nose) was enticing, and comforting. His gentility was tangible. I could not bear to let him go. I was not sure if I ever could let him go.
"Take her to her room. It is the first door on the left at the top of the stairs." My mother said in a gentle, resigned voice.
No doubt, everyone that knew about the werewolves had been fully informed by now about this… situation, this… fucked-up mess of an imprint. And it was; I knew it was. Fucked-up. But already, I knew that as much as I had loved Sam... As much as I had felt like I needed him... That had not held a candle to what had grown inside me heart tonight with Edward. It killed me knowing that it would not… no, could not be returned.
Edward entered my room and sat on my bed. He sat me on his lap, and I clung to him. I shifted so that my legs wrapped around him, and my head was nuzzled into his neck. He began to gently rub my back with one hand, and pet my hair with the other, whispering soothing assurances to me that some way, somehow it would all turn out okay. I wanted to believe him. I was desperate to trust, to find a place of faith in my heart once again as I continued to cry until I fell asleep, spent.
