AN.. I want to take a second here to thank all of you who have
alerted, favorited, and reviewed my chapters. I am so awe-struck
by your comments, and the fact that you actually like my story!
Thank you!
Chapter 5
Epiphany
I remember clearly how it felt that day when I almost kissed Jacob in the kitchen. (Before he answered the phone and nearly wrecked all of our lives.) There was an awkwardness, and hesitancy, but I know now that it was because I had not admitted my feelings yet... that, and the fact that I was still not ready to let go of my feelings for Edward.
My first epiphany in this life was the morning after Edward and I returned from Italy. I realized that I had not let him go because deep down, I knew that he still loved me; that he had lied when he claimed to not want me anymore. It had made everything clear, and in that moment my life made sense.
I made my way back to my room, and shut my door so that I could be alone to think. I had so many thoughts raging in my head at this moment in time that I really needed to sort through them all. There was so much to consider as I wrapped me head around the knowledge that I had clearly been fighting for some time. I loved Jacob.
This epiphany was much the same, but I was seeing a great many things more clearly. I now knew that the love that I shared with Edward was truly beautiful, but it was flawed. For it to work-to fulfill us, it would require that one of us change… and as Edward was forever frozen into a perfectly beautiful, un-aging form, it would be me that had to do the changing. Not that I had been unwilling to do so. I had been begging him for months to change me. And… because of the fact that I was a frail human, and he was practically a living stone, we could never express our love fully until I was changed. It was a matter of logistics. All it would take is for Edward to have momentarily lost control in the heat of passion, and what would have been intended as a caress could have ended as him crushing me. Literally.
Love should not be so lopsided. I knew that from the onset of things, but refused to see it. He was always correcting me, and telling me that I was wrong, that I already gave him all he could ever need by entrusting him with my heart, but I knew that he longed for more between us. I had felt the evidence on more than one occasion. The handful of times that he let down his obsessive guard long enough for our hugs to become embraces, our kisses to become passionate, I had felt all the evidence I needed pressed against my hip, and thighs. What we had was beautiful, but it would never be enough without a permanent change.
Leah was a werewolf. This meant accelerated speed in healing, and a huge deal more resilience than my own. I had punched Jacob once, square on the jaw with all of my might, but he didn't even feel it. It broke my hand. Werewolves were able while in their human forms to have real human contact, without fear of causing damage, but they were so much stronger physically, it made me wonder if there was a possibility that Leah and Edward could have a truly fulfilling relationship. I wondered suddenly if they would be able to have a real life together, without one of them having to change. I mean, if things got too rough, and he accidently did hurt her, she would heal so quickly…
Face-palm.
I cannot believe that I am thinking these things. How can I be thinking about Edward being intimate with someone else? I am clearly losing my mind. I mean, I love him… don't I?
Suddenly, and for the first time in over a year I am doubting. Why is my heart not aching right now like it did last night? Why am I wanting more than anything for Jacob to barge through my bedroom door right now, and hold me in his arms? His strong, warm arms…
Okay, I suddenly realized that I was spending way too much time analyzing emotional baggage when there were much bigger events looming on my horizon… scary-big events that had me up at night, fearing for my werewolf friends and my vampire family.
I gathered together some clothes, and ran to the bathroom to shower and change. I knew that there were still preparations to be made for the impending battle.
I stumbled my way back down the stairs to find Jacob. He was sitting at the table with Charlie in the kitchen, eating an enormous bowl of cereal. (Much to Charlie's amusement.) They both turned to me as I entered the kitchen with matching expressions of concern in their eyes.
"Where's the fire, Bells?" asked Charlie.
"I just realized that Jacob didn't tell Billy that he was here, and he must be worried, so I figured I would drive him home." I explained lamely.
"I already called him to let him know." Jake responded tightly, searching my face for some hint as to the real reason for my rush.
"Oh, well I guess there's no rush, then." I said as I reached for a normal sized cereal bowl of my own. "Did you leave any for me?" I asked Jacob as playfully as I could muster, trying to distract Charlie from his thoughts.
"Yeah, there should be some." Jacob said in an unsure voice. I poured the pithy amount of Wheaties into my bowl, and pouted at Jacob who shrugged, and grinned sheepishly.
"What are your plans today, dad?" I asked him as nonchalantly as I could manage, while sitting down to pick at my bowl.
"Well, Billy asked me to go fishing with him again. I told him I would call him back in a few to give him an answer, but we are already way later than usual, so if you want me to stay.." he offered.
"Oh, no! Honestly, dad I am fine. Jacob is going to keep me company today, aren't you Jake?"
"Sure, sure." He answered with a small smile.
Charlie got up, and reached for the phone. "You sure?" he asked before he dialed.
"Of course. We already had plans today anyhow." I offered.
Jacob looked at me with a suspicious glance, trying to figure out what I was up to. I offered him a weak smile, trying to encourage him to trust me. He seemed to understand, and chimed in to back me up.
"Yup, and I am going to make her stick to her word, and spend the day with me." he beamed at Charlie.
Charlie nodded and dialed the phone. After a very short conversation which consisted of grunted "Yups" and "uh-huhs", Charlie hung up. I giggled.
"What are you laughing at?" he asked, clearly at a loss.
"Nothing, dad!" I laughed. "You just made me think of 'Tim, the Tool Man' with all of the grunting." And I laughed even harder. Jake joined me.
"Whatever." He grunted again, and left without saying goodbye as Jacob and I laughed harder still, holding our sides, and imitating the grunts our dads always make back and forth. We laughed for a while before the moment subsided, and the mood began to shift.
"How is it that you are so… okay right now?" Jacob asked, reaching for my hand. Normally, I always hesitated before allowing him to touch me, but this morning, I reached back, taking his hand into mine, twining our fingers together. He looked at me in awe.
"I had an epiphany, Jake." I said, looking him in the eyes. "I realized this morning that there are more kinds of love out there than I had ever considered. There is nothing wrong with allowing oneself to take comfort from a friend. And I realized that there is something much stronger than an imprint."
"What is that supposed to mean?" he asked me, searching my eyes as if to extract my thoughts from their depths.
"It means that I have come to understand something that I suspected to be true before, but didn't trust." I said cryptically, dropping my gaze to my lap.
The phone rang at that moment, saving me from a conversation that I was sure was coming too soon on the heels of what should have been the biggest heartbreak of my life.
Reviews are Welcome, and Wanted!
3
