18. Tell me I should never leave
Luke's back slams against the wall as Nick presses his body into him. Their tongues connect desperately and their lips are battling with one another. Between panting breaths, Nick lifts the hem of the other man's shirt, swiftly pulling it over his head without their mouths separating for a second.
His kisses move to his jaw, his neck, his shoulders, and Luke is clinging onto him as he's pressed further into the wall of their hospital room. When Nick meets his mouth again, Luke's lips are almost limp against his own.
"Hey…" Nick pulls back, noticing the man's hesitation. "What's wrong?"
"Nothin'," he lies. He shrinks underneath Nick's knowing glare.
"I think I've known you long enough to know when somethin's botherin' you," he badgers.
Like rolls his eyes with a sigh, for once hating how well the other man knows him. "I'm fine, really. It's just…"
"Come on, spit it out," Nick urges as he fully steps away from him, crossing his arms over his chest.
"I just…" he runs a nervous hand through his hair, defeated. "Do you think we coulda done somethin'?"
"What do you mean?"
"For Clem and Sarah," answers a bothered Luke. "Do you think… maybe if we had tried harder to find them that they wouldn't have had to go through what they did?"
"Don't go blamin' yourself for that, Luke," Nick shakes his head, fully aware of what it is he's about to say. They've had similar conversations before. "You know we did everythin' we could."
"But what if we didn't?" Luke's challenging gaze is enough to convince Nick how distressed he is. "What if we had stayed there for just a little while longer? Do you think things would've been different?"
"Rebecca had a baby, Luke. We couldn't have stayed there if we wanted to, you know that," he reminds him with a firm tone. "None of us woulda made it if we stayed in that cold."
"And what about them?" Luke stares at him with hurt in his eyes, referring to Sarah and Clementine. "They needed us and we just left them behind." He paces towards the end of the room while running his hands through his hair again. He stops on the other side of the bed when Nick rushes to follow him.
"Hey. Hey… we tried, alright?" Nick places a reassuring hand on his shoulder, forcing him to turn around and look at him again. "We had to move on, there was no other choice."
"So what about us, huh? Why did we get lucky with findin' this place when those girls were livin' out there on the road for God knows how long?" he challenges, his volume rising. "They didn't deserve that."
"There is no one to blame here, do you understand?" Nick firmly grips the man's shoulders. "Sure, we got lucky. But… there's just no way of tellin' what would've happened, to any of us."
They lock gazes for a few moments, their eyes pleading with one another.
Luke exhales, his voice softening once more. "When I saw Clementine again… all I could think about was how we didn't save them. I was so afraid that maybe she wouldn't make it. We would've found them again after all this time just for her to die on us… I wouldn't be able to live with myself."
"I know what you're feelin'," murmurs Nick. "We all felt that way. None of us wanted this to happen, 'specially not to those girls. But it gets to the point where you realize you just can't save everyone." He steps closer, peering at Luke when he notices his wandering gaze. "Look at me. They're here, and they're okay. They're safe now." He smiles gently, their eyes sparkling at one another. "You don't have to worry anymore. All right?"
The next night
Luke softly knocks on the open door of Clementine's room, peering his head further inside.
Sarah and Clementine are sitting next to each other on the small bed with Sarah's head lazily resting on the other girl's shoulder. It's late evening and the place is dimly lit since most of the residents have gone to sleep by now. However, the two girls hadn't been sleeping or even speaking to each other, but simply resting peacefully in each other's company.
"Hey," he greets the two, expecting Sarah would be there. The girl has hardly left Clementine's side since she woke up. "Mind if I talk to Clem for a bit?"
"Sure," Sarah grins in acceptance. She sits up, the two girls exchanging warm smiles and a tight hand hold before the she exits the room.
"Hey, kid," Luke breaks the silence once the door is closed and they're left alone.
"Hey, you," she jokes in a sleepy voice, smirking at him. Their voices are soft, the calmness of the room requiring nothing more.
"How you feelin'?" asks Luke, pulling up a chair and sitting alongside her bed.
"A bit better. It's still kinda hard to breathe but my leg doesn't hurt as much," she says.
"That's good. Well, besides the breathin' part," he corrects himself.
"Where's Nick?"
"He's just on patrol right now," informs Luke. "Should be finishin' up soon though." He looks away from her nervously, reminding himself of the reason he came here. "Listen, I uh… I just wanted to say that… I'm really sorry that—that this happened to you. I hope you know that if I had been with y'all, I woulda done everythin' I could to make sure you were safe."
Clementine's eyes perk with concern, her heart feeling cold from hearing him say that.
"I just… I—I need you to know that we thought about you all the time, all right? We didn't even know how far you made it out of that camp. We didn't know if you'd got hurt or if you were even alive…"
"Luke…" she murmurs, wishing he wouldn't say anything more.
He takes her hand and clutches it between his palms, ignoring her protest. "Clem… I am so sorry. It—it kills me knowin' that you two were out there all alone, all this time." His voice cracks unintentionally, remembering that awful winter two years ago. His eyes are beginning to water now but he can't bring himself to stop speaking. She needs to know this. "Y'all are just so young. We should never had given up on you. I… I shouldn't have given up." He clears his throat, his stare pleading. "Will you please forgive me?"
It's silent between them for a few uncertain moments before Clementine speaks up again, much to the man's relief. "Luke, I never blamed you."
"You didn't?" he swallows the lump in his throat, finding that hard to believe.
"No, and neither did Sarah," she shakes her head reassuringly. "We had to move on, too. That's just the way it had to happen. But… we took care of each other. We ended up okay in the end." She smiles gently at him, hoping he'll return the gesture.
"I wouldn't consider you almost dyin' 'okay'," he scoffs, far from ease.
"I'm still here, aren't I?" she boasts jokingly with a smirk.
Luke chuckles softly at that. He admires her efforts to lighten the situation, despite the circumstances. He feels ashamed being the one with tears in his eyes when she's the one that nearly died. Yet, she's still here making jokes as if none of it ever happened.
"Damn, Luke. I never thought I'd see you cry before," she remarks, clearly just making fun of him now.
"I wasn't cryin," he defends, releasing her hand. Suddenly self-conscious, he swiftly wipes a thumb across his eyelids. "There was just… somethin' in my eye."
Clementine giggles, entirely unconvinced. "You're an idiot."
Luke had wanted Sarah to hear his apology too, but he needs to tell Clementine what happened to Kenny. That's something that just the two of them should discuss. Luke isn't entirely sure how to go about it, considering what they had meant to each other.
When he tells her that he killed him, Clementine almost doesn't react at first. She just sits there, staring at him without a word. Luke isn't sure if she's mad at him or if she even understands what he's saying. Then when Clementine starts to cry, he feels like the worst person in the world.
She had assumed he was dead – she'd assumed all of them were dead. But Kenny was different. He was like family to her. She'd never cried about it before, so why is she crying now? She'd accepted their deaths a long time ago. She'd told Sarah countless times that there was nothing they could do about it and that they had to move on and forget.
Maybe it isn't just what Luke tells her, but also the realization of the situation they're in. The fact that the four of them are really all that's left just hits her in an instant, and she isn't entirely certain how to feel about it. She wasn't aware all these emotions had been building up until now, and the news of Kenny is just enough to cause it to all unravel.
She'd thought it was just her and Sarah, but now two other people who she'd thought was dead is suddenly back into their lives after this long and it's all so overwhelming yet relieving at the same time.
Clementine understands why Luke had to do it. The man was out of control. A fraction of her had hoped he would change, but people don't really change. Once Kenny lost his family, there was no coming back from that. She'd watched it happen to him so helplessly, but she'd be lying if she didn't say a similar thing had happened to her.
The only difference is that Clementine hasn't been broken yet. She still has Sarah, and that's all she could possibly need right now.
