"Me, a Grey Warden?" Jowan splutters. "But that means being a battlemage, doesn't it?"

"And killing darkspawn," Lady Cousland confirms. "Mayhap some other things too, like the undead, which you've already proven to have skill at"

"I thought I'd just…stay in prison," Jowan says softly. "Or go the Circle and—and—"

"But that's the easy way out," Morrigan says derisively. "Poor little Circlemage. Free of his shackles and already longing for his cage. Foolish! You do not take the opportunity before you!"

"Morrigan," Leliana chides. "I'm sorry, Jowan, she gets like this sometimes." Morrigan lets out an outraged cry. "Is there something you don't like about becoming a Grey Warden?"

"I—I—"

"It is because he is afraid, Leliana," Morrigan says. "It is because becoming a Warden means living, and all Circle mages have ever known is how to exist. Eke out a miserable existence in their phallic tower. But as a Warden—nay, even a free mage! It would mean battling, casting, doing more, being more than what the Chantry tells you! And poor little Circle mage cannot handle that."

"What is she doing?" Alistair hisses to Lady Cousland. She has an admiring look on her face.

"Helping," she whispers back. Alistair looks at her doubtfully.

"Really?"

"Yes. Now hush."

Leliana says, "'Tis dangerous to live as we do. We sleep outside—it is good it is summer!—we run into all sorts of animals, Calenhad chews shoes…it may not be the right life for Jowan."

"And the darkspawn," Alistair feels the need to interject. Because hello, Grey Wardenhood. "And archdemon-killing. Juuuust in case you forgot."

Morrigan ignores him. "The right life for Jowan is a sedate life as a painfully average mage of the Circle, dabbling in blood magicks because it would make him special, ad dying to the Templars because of it. The order offers him more. And more terrifies him. More requires him to live, not just give up."

She turns her dark head dismissively. "And we know Jowan was about ready to die for his honor just a few moments ago."

Jowan's head is downturned, and he is fiddling with the staff that looks like a piece of wood once again. "I—I don't want to give up," he says, near-inaudibly.

"I don't want to give up," he says, more loudly. "I want to—I want to—"

"What do you want, Jowan?" Lady Cousland says softly.

"I want to live." He clears this throat and says, "I want to be a Grey Warden."

Silence falls for a moment, before Leliana claps her hands. "Well then! Let us get on with it." She tilts her head. "How…do we get on with it?"

"Stop one moment," Alistair says. He knows he is going to reveal Warden secrets, but he doesn't really care. Jowan doesn't deserve to go into the Joining not knowing, not after what he just said. "If Jowan wants to live, becoming a Grey Warden is not the best option. The Joining can be fatal."

"The Joining?" Bann Teagan asks. Alistair had forgotten he was even in the room.

Lady Cousland throws Alistair a questioning look, which he returns with raised eyebrows and a tilt of the head. She shakes her head, inclining her head towards him. He shrugs, and she opens her arms wide.

As he turns, he catches Leliana's amused smile.

"The Joining is the ritual we undergo in order to gain our…I guess powers, you could call it," Alistair says. "And…it's not exactly the healthiest ritual, you understand. I can't say more, but…"

"Are you saying," Bann Teagan says, "that you are asking me to give a blood mage, the man who poisoned my brother, but saved my nephew, the chance to undergo a ritual that may or may not kill him?"

Alistair nods.

"What is the percentage of people who survive this ritual?"

Alistair looks at Lady Cousland. Lady Cousland looks at Alistair.

"Two of us took our Joining," Lady Cousland finally says. "I was the one who lived."

"There were three, at mine," Alistair says. "Two of us survived."

"Then it is fairly even," Bann Teagan muses. He turns hard eyes onto Jowan. "Jowan. I asked you if the scales were even. You said you didn't know."

Jowan's face is white. "I still do not, my lord."

"Take the Joining," Bann Teagan orders. "It is up to the Maker whether you survive or not. If you do, then you were meant to redeem yourself. If you don't…then it is blood payment for what you have done to my family."

Jowan nods mutely. Alistair wants to whistle, and say, "That's cold." But he settles for looking at his companions. Morrigan looks absolutely delighted, the witch. Leliana is biting her lip. The Lady Cousland has her face turned away from all of them.

"A moment with you, Alistair, if you please?" she asks a beat later. Alistair, surprised, acquiesces.

They withdraw to the anteroom, where they stand in silence for a moment. Then Lady Cousland speaks.

"I had thought…to not tell Jowan about the fatal part of the Joining," she says. "I thought...I don't know what I thought. As Teagan did. That if he survives, it was meant to be. And if he does not, then it was repayment. But I wanted him to drink the blood not knowing."

"But that isn't fair, my lady," Alistair objects. "He just said he wanted to live. He's been through so much...I thought he deserved to know what he was getting into."

"Did Duncan tell me what I was getting into? Daveth? Jory?" Lady Cousland asks him bitterly. "Did you know, when you took the Joining?"

Alistair shakes his head.

"But we are the only two Wardens left in Ferelden, my lady," he says. "And, well…" He shrugs helplessly. He could not say We should be better than the old Wardens, because that felt disrespectful to the dead. But judging from Lady Cousland's understanding eyes, she already knew.

"It seems," she murmurs, "that you are ever teaching me to be a better person."

Alistair flushes.

"On to business, then. Will the blood in my Oath be sufficient, do you think?" she asks him. "It hasn't dried up, but should we…dilute it? Add water?"

"I don't know," Alistair says helplessly. "I was a junior member of the order. But maybe…let's not mess with the recipe. Or should I add mine too?"

"How much did you drink?" she asks.

"A sip," he says honestly. "And it was the foulest sip I've ever had."

"I know. Ugh," she says. "Was it about the size of our Oaths, do you think?"

He scrutinizes the Oath she holds up before him. The dark blood in the crystal vial shimmers, reminding him of that night in Ostagar, when Daveth had choked and Jory had—

"How much did you drink, my lady?" he asks.

She looks away. "I drained the chalice," she says.

"Wow. Thirsty?"

"No," she says softly. "After Daveth, I hoped it would…"

Kill me, she doesn't say. She doesn't need to. Alistair well remembers the angry, resentful Lady Cousland, just weeks ago. She laughs now, smiles often, but Lady Cousland grieves.

Alistair steps forward. He cannot help it. He catches her hands in his own and presses them.

"My lady," he says softly, "you are the one bright spot out of all the darkness here. Please know that."

She smiles at him wanly.

"You were the one person who reminded me what it was like to laugh," she says. "Alistair. Please call me Ailis."

Ailis. He tastes it on his tongue, opens his mouth and pushes air out, ending it in a hiss. Ailis.

"My lady," he says, smiling. "My lady Ailis."

"Your lady, hmm?" she teases. Alistair splutters and blushes, and they return to the main hall.

Leliana meets them at the door. Her voice is soft as she says, "Bann Teagan wishes to tell you that he will meet you once the…once the Joining is over. For better or for ill, he says."

So the bann cannot watch Jowan undergo the test. Fair enough, Alistair thinks. He was going to ask them to leave the room anyway. He may have revealed Warden secrets, but some things are sacred.

"How is Jowan?" Ailis asks Leliana.

"He is ready," Leliana says. "I…We spoke some of the Chant of Light together. It comforted him, at least."

"And deeply annoyed Morrigan, I'm certain," Ailis says. "Well. Shall we?"

They ask the non-Wardens to leave the room, so in the end it is Alistair and Ailis standing shoulder-to-shoulder in front of Jowan, who is trembling.

Ailis places a comforting hand on Jowan's shoulder, but says nothing. He trembles harder, then steadies.

"We speak only a few words, but these are the words spoken, they say, from the first Joining," Alistair begins. The words echo in his head, echoes from his own and Ailis's Joining. Duncan had spoken at both.

"Join us, brothers and sisters. Join us in the shadows where we stand vigilant." He is surprised to hear Ailis speaking along, though he supposes the words are as seared into her mind as they are in his. "Join us as we carry the duty that cannot be forsworn. And should you perish," he pauses, and places a hand on Jowan's shoulder as well, "know that your sacrifice will not be forgotten, and that one day, we…will join you."

They make an odd picture, he imagines, two people standing with hands on a skinny mage's shoulders. But they stand together for a moment, all three of them, and they just breathe.

"From this moment forth, Jowan, you are a Grey Warden," Ailis says. She lets go of Jowan's shoulder to remove her Warden's Oath, and uncork the vial. She offers it to him.

Alistair has a moment of panic, wondering what they would do should Jowan refuse the Joining as Jory did. But Jowan regards the vial for a mere moment, then takes it. He inhales deeply, then brings it to his lips.

He tips it back…his throat bobs…he staggers and lets out an agonized cry—

He falls to the floor in a heap of robes. He does not get up again.

"Is he—"

Alistair kneels and checks his wrist for a pulse.

Nothing.

And then…a beat. And then another, and another. He breathes out a sigh of relief.

"He lives, my la—Ailis," he says. Ailis exhales. "We should move him, ah—"

He looks around, realizing the only place to put Jowan on would be the dais on which Lady Isolde had died. Um. Maybe not.

Ailis has already flitted to the door and called everyone back. Leliana runs to Jowan's side, while Morrigan and Bann Teagan move more slowly.

"Well done, Morrigan," Alistair hears Ailis murmur to the witch.

"Who, me?" Morrigan says, catlike eyes slitting in pleasure.

xxx

Jowan wakes, and when he does Alistair and Ailis are there to greet him.

His eyes flutter open, and Alistair says, "Brother. Welcome."

"Theron? Alindra?" he asks. Then he shakes his head and says, "Oh. My lady, Alistair."

"My lady Alistair?" Alistair jokes. "I know I'm beautiful, but…"

"Hush," Ailis chides. "Welcome back. What did you see?"

"A dragon," he murmurs. "A sobbing darkspawn. A broken mirror."

The two senior wardens trade questioning looks.

"Can darkspawn even cry?" Alistair voices. Then: "Anyway! Are you feeling all right? We must speak on what our next step will be."

"Y-yes, I'm fine," Jowan says. He wobbles but does eventually stand, and they make their way to the arl's bedroom.

Arl Eamon is stable, they are told, but not improving. And the one thing they can think of to cure him is:

"The Urn of Sacred Ashes?!" Alistair blurts out. "Are you mad?"

"Chasing after an impossibility," Morrigan says, inspecting her nails. "Why bother? There is an heir to the arling, is there not?" She inclines her head to Bann Teagan.

"Morrigan!" Leliana says, genuinely shocked. "You cannot possibly advocate letting a man die!" She stops for a moment, and amends, "Saying that in front of the man's brother!"

"What about magic?" Ailis asks Bann Teagan. "I mean…surely you see the impossibility of this, Teagan. It's a myth! Don't we have other ways to save Eamon? What about—Jowan, what was the poison you used?"

Jowan startles. "I—I used something given to me by Teyrn Loghain," he answers. "I don't know what it was, really."

"What did it look like? Where did it come from?"

Jowan furrows his brow. "It was blue," he offers, "and watery. I added it to the arl's wine."

"They have washed it since, but let us seek out Eamon's goblet anyway," Bann Teagan says. He calls for a maid and issues the instructions, and she hurries from the room.

"Regarding magic, it has been tried, and the mage left saying he had done all he could for Eamon. Perhaps the demon may have helped in some way…I will send to the Circle of Magi for another healer. But Brother funded the research of a scholar named Genitivi—" Leliana gives a cry of recognition "—who lives in Denerim. He was studying the inscriptions on Andraste's Birth Rock, and as far as I know they tell of where Andraste may have been interred. I know Isolde sent out knights to seek him, and they failed, but still…"

It's impossible, and Alistair wants to say so. It's far more likely the mage from the Circle will be able to heal the arl. Still, Ailis nods and says, "We will at least seek out this Genitivi, and send a messenger to tell of what we have found."

"Ask for a mage named Mahariel," Jowan says suddenly. "He is…a very talented healer. A far better mage than me, really."

Bann Teagan nods, but doesn't speak to Jowan further than that. The company leaves to prepare for their quest to Denerim.

"Tis pointless," Alistair hears Morrigan say to Leliana, and he cannot bring himself to disagree.