An: Sorry this took longer than I had anticipated.
I re-wrote this chapter three times. It was my most
challenging one so far. This story is still un-Beta'd,
so I accept all responsibility for errors.
I hope it measures up!
Disclaimer: I do not own anything related to twilight.
I play with its characters.
~UUaAP~
Chapter 18
Secrets and Lies
Leah POV
As we wandered back towards the house, I noticed Bella holding back by the fire. Jake noticed it too, and quickly returned to her side. I stopped, and looked towards the pair with concern as Bella's posture seemed to crumple. Body language alone told me that something was really bothering her. I knew that it was wrong to stand under the protection of a tree and watch the couple as they were quite obviously in the middle of a private conversation, and a painful one at that, but I could not find it in me to turn away. Something was causing Bella pain, and I was so worried that she was having second thoughts. Who could blame her? He isn't "officially" mine, and I know that I could never just give him up.
Edward had said goodnight to his family, and had offered to take Billy home, so I had nothing much to do. I looked towards his car, and waved at him as he made to pull out of the yard.
I'll be right back. He assured me. And, trust me when I say… you're wrong. Bella has most decidedly not changed her mind.
What was that supposed to mean? I didn't realize that I had thought anything of the sort, I mused and shrugged mentally, and turned to watch the couple by the dying fire. Bella had her forehead pressed into Jake's chest and her hands resting on his hips. Jake's hands were rubbing circles into the small of her back as he shook his head. With the yard quiet behind me, I was able to listen more intently, and hear snippets of their conversation. It was not right, but I didn't care, I had to know what was bothering her so.
"Bella, it's not his place!" his tone dripped with indignation.
"Probably not, but he knows Jacob, and I saw the hurt in his eyes. He is still going to be protective towards me."
"You don't owe him an explanation, Bells. It is your life, it has always been your life and your choice! Damn it, Bella! Don't you see how much he always controlled your choices? I have tried so hard not to make decisions for you… and I guess I won't make this one for you either, but I am not going to try to justify myself to him, I don't care if he has a seat on the council."
"You don't think that that could cause us problems, do you?" she sounded horrified.
Jake lifted her face to his, and stared into her eyes for a while. I knew that they were talking about Edward. What I could not figure out is what had happened hurt him? What would he feel protective enough about to cause this reaction? What would Bella feel the need to justify, and Jacob refuse to explain? I had clearly missed something this evening.
"Bella, I don't give a flying fuck if they decided to make him the chief, I am not having this discussion with him. I may have to have it someday soon with your father, but I refuse to justify our relationship to Edward. If you are still so worried about what he thinks, then maybe we have moved too quickly." What started out in anger had turned to pain, as Jacob practically choked out the last sentence.
I hung my head in understanding. Bella and Jacob had apparently made some serious move forward in their relationship. I could only assume it was sexual, and I know that dear Edward could be somewhat of a prude. Even in his assurances today of desire for me, there was a thinly veiled attempt in his wording to communicate to me his desire to do things in accordance with his moral values. I can only assume that he heard Jacob thinking about it. Edward already admitted to me that his and Bella's physical relationship had never gone beyond kissing. I can imagine that he would have been extremely adamant about that issue with her. I rolled my eyes, knowing that if Jake and Bella didn't leave before Edward got back, there would be a confrontation. If Edward really knew, it was inevitable.
No sooner had the thought crossed my mind than I heard his car pulling back into the yard. I hung my head in defeat. I don't know why exactly I felt defeated, but a part of me did. I watched Edward approaching me, his eyes filled with concern.
Yes, beautiful, why should you feel defeated?
I wrapped my arms around his waist and sighed against his chest as he pulled me tightly to himself.
I guess I really feel defeated for Bella.I answered as honestly as I could. His brows drew together as he looked down at me. I sighed deeply.
Edward, she loved you. I have absolutely no doubt that she desired to be with you sexually. You were undoubtedly correct in your assumption that Bella would have felt rejected by you… and I am not trying to make you feel badly! Believe me, I am not. My point is, Bella has a year's worth of pent-up sexual tension, and a horny as hell boyfriend. I know myself well enough to know that if I had had someone to move forward with after Sam, I would not have hesitated. Forgive me for being crass, but I'd have fucked Sam right out of my system if I'd had the chance.
So what are you saying? Let it GO? Don't tell Jacob that I think he's an ass for pushing Bella into a physical relationship? You are telling me to… what? Act like it's okay?
I am telling you that you are not Bella's father! You have been controlling what Bella does and does not do sexually for over a year now. She's over it. She's free, and she gave herself to Jacob for her own reasons. She is an adult. She belongs to herself, not you, and not Jacob either. She deserves so much more than to have someone making her decisions for her.
I never meant to make her decisions for her! I was just trying to protect her.
Yeah, for her own good, I get it… but do YOU get it? Let's be real here, Edward. If you had not forced her into a position of being alone with this red-headed vamp-bitch trying to kill her, she would not have developed a relationship with Jacob in the first place, or needed the protection of the pack. If you had not made that decision for her, and forced your family to follow you out of her life, then maybe you would have staked the claim that Jacob now has.
Edward's face contorted in pain, and I could see self-loathing creep into his eyes as he listened to my harsh thoughts. I felt terrible, knowing that everything that I was saying was hurting him, but this shit needed aired, and quick. He needed to know that I was not like Bella in those regards. He would never make decisions for me like that. He needed to see that as big as his heart is, and as much as he thinks he knows what is best, that he cannot really know a person's abilities based on their thoughts alone.
I will never forgive myself.
I stiffened my posture and pulled away from him as he thought this. My chin raised, and I rolled my eyes. I could not listen to him like this.
If your sorry ass had not left her, setting all of these dominos dropping, then our families would still be at odds. Bound by a treaty, and forever keeping in the stagnation of suspicion and bitterness. And I would not be healing. Your compassion, and beauty would never have touched my life. I would be alone, wallowing in self-pity. You may have some issues with control, but I know you meant well. I didn't mean to insinuate differently. We are all living with the consequences of that choice. I'd like to think that there are lasting benefits as well, Edward Cullen. First Vampire representative of the La Push Tribal Council!
His eyes locked on mine for a moment. He looked like he was trying to gaze into my very soul. I still saw pain, but I saw something more, too. I saw hope. I reached up, and pushed his hair off of his forehead, tangling my fingers into his beautiful bronze locks, and I pulled his head down to place a chaste kiss on his lips. He sighed heavily, but gave me a smile.
Beauty for ashes. I never really got it before.
I vaguely remembered this as another quote from scripture… I shook my head and giggled a little bit.
My sweet vampire. You are so strange! I laughed, taking his hand and tugging him in the direction of the house. He continued to stand there, though. He was still staring towards the couple now silhouetted by the embers. There was a wistfulness in his eyes.
"Can you let this go?" I was pleading with my eyes.
"I guess I have no other choice, have I?" there was defeat in his voice.
"Honestly, Edward, I think her decision was made when I imprinted. I think she gave herself over to Jacob that night. I think you know it too." I gave his hand a squeeze. He turned towards the house, and allowed me to lead him inside.
We headed towards the kitchen, I figured that is where I would find my mother so that I could thank her for helping to influence the council's acceptance of Edward, and to tell her good night. I already knew that I would stay with Edward tonight. I needed to be near him, and I wanted to get him away from the reserve for the night, hoping that it would help his resolve to leave Bella and Jacob alone.
I found Mom there, in her little corner of the kitchen as usual, between the sink and the coffee maker. Charlie was just walking out of the kitchen door as we entered. I smiled at him, and thanked him for being there for my mother. His gaze dropped to the floor, and he looked suddenly awkward.
There was something about the expression in his eyes that made me pause. He looked almost embarrassed. I shrugged, and chalked it up to his modesty, thinking he was probably embarrassed that I was thanking him, and acknowledging his kindness. He had always been my favorite "Uncle", a word I had used for him as a child. I grew up calling him "Uncle" Charlie. I had known him all of my life, and having him here for my mother was such a comfort. I really hoped that he could accept how much he meant to our family. How much he had meant to my father.
Charlie looked over his shoulder at my mother. "Sue, I'll be in the living room."
Mom's was standing in her corner, facing the window, and sipping her coffee. Her posture seemed to be slumped, and I heard her sigh. I figured she was tired after a long day of meetings, and cooking, and planning, then entertaining on top of it. She was a strong woman. I had always admired the way that she carried herself with strength and dignity.
She straightened up, and turned around with a bright smile that did not reach her eyes.
"It's okay, baby-girl! I'm just exhausted." She said knowingly as I narrowed my gaze at her. She knew that I was going to ask her what was wrong. We always read each other so well. I wrapped my arms around her, breathing in the scent of Pine Sol, and Jean Naté.
"Thank you." I breathed out airily. I knew that she knew what I was thanking her for. I had always been a "Daddy's girl", but Mom and I really knew each other well, even though we fought a lot.
"I suppose you two are headed out?" Mom asked, leaning back from our hug, and looking knowingly at Edward over my shoulder.
"Yep. We just came in to thank you and say goodnight." I confirmed to her. She grinned, and nodded, as she cupped my face in her hands, and gave me a kiss on the forehead.
"Baby-girl, I didn't get a chance to tell you earlier, but you look absolutely stunning tonight!" I blushed at her compliment. She had always tried to get me to dress as more of a "lady". Seeing me dressed like this made her day. "I think that the whole pack just about lost their shit when you walked in."
I laughed as I heard Edward's mental chuckle at my mother's choice of words. Yeah, you got it all from the guys, right?
You judging, vampire boy? I laughed aloud as I thought this, and glanced at him over my shoulder, with a raised brow. He laughed back, shaking his head slightly.
"Am I missing the punch-line?" I turned back to my mother.
"Sort of. You know Edward can hear people's thoughts, right?"
"Yes, I have been informed." Her brows knit as she awaited further explanation.
"Well, we discovered that I can hear him when he is thinking his thoughts to me. He can somehow project them into my mind. Or something like that, anyhow."
Mom's eyes opened wide, and her mouth popped open for a second before she could regain her composure. "Well, I guess that can make things interesting."
"Define interesting?" I hedged.
"Well, that means you can hold private conversations, right? Like the one you obviously just did?"
"Obvioulsy."
"I'll leave it to your imagination, dear. I really don't want to embarrass you two, and considering that Edward can hear my thoughts, I think he already knows what I am getting at."
I threw her a puzzled look, then turned to look at Edward who was suddenly finding his shoes of great interest as he shoved his hands in his pockets and avoided my questions and stare.
"I don't think he is going to them share with me." I surmised with a wry grin. I knew my mother well enough to know that there was some sort of sexual connotation there, but my brain failed to grasp her exact meaning. Mom just laughed, and gave me another quick squeeze, as she began to walk us to the door. I decided I was going to let this particular dog lie asleep. Edward appeared embarrassed enough for both of us, and I had no desire to ask him to relive his mortification later by asking him to reveal this singular thought of my mother's. She was feisty, and strong, and funny, and loving, and she had a penchant for being just a little bit perverse in her sense of humor. It was one of the things that my father had found most endearing about her. I usually found it embarrassing. It was her least dignified quality, and one that I wish like hell she had not passed on to me.
I waved goodbye to Charlie again as we passed him sitting on the sofa, drinking another beer, and watching EPSN. He nodded and grunted in acknowledgement, his eyes never leaving the television set.
~UUaAP~
Bella POV
"Bella, I don't give a flying fuck if they decided to make him the chief, I am not having this discussion with him. I may have to have it someday soon with your father, but I refuse to justify our relationship to Edward. If you are still so worried about what he thinks, then maybe we have moved too quickly."
My heart ached. I wished I could explain to him why it mattered to me that Edward not think poorly of me. It shouldn't matter. I knew it shouldn't matter. But it did. He was my first love, and as much as I loved Jacob, and knew that he truly was the very soul of my being, I could not shake the fact that Edward mattered in my life. I knew that we were going to have to figure out how we fit into each other's lives now. I had seen the hurt evident in his eyes when he heard Jacob's thoughts about our lovemaking. I wasn't sure why it mattered, but I knew that expression in his eyes, and I hated knowing that it was there because of me.
"Jake, I do not regret making love to you. This morning was the most beautiful moment in my life so far! You have to know that I hold no regrets."
"Then why should we talk to him about this? Why do you care whether or not he approves?"
"I don't know. It shouldn't matter. I know it shouldn't. I guess it's just a knee-jerk reaction to the pain I saw in his eyes when he heard you." I shrugged.
Jacob wrapped an arm around my waist, and pulled me tightly against him, tilting my chin with this other hand as he leaned in to kiss me gently and deeply. It was intimate and loving, and I melted into him, drinking deeply of the love that came spilling out so powerfully in it. Lost in that embrace, Edward's opinion of my intimate life with Jake ceased to matter.
We snuggled by the fire for another half hour or so before heading to the house to say goodnight to Sue, and to Charlie, who had imbibed at least a whole six pack over the course of the story telling, and would no doubt be crashing on the couch here tonight. He would be in no condition to drive home, and having tomorrow off, I was pretty sure that he would be fishing with Billy. Assuming, of course that he was not to terribly hung-over.
We walked into the kitchen, figuring to find Sue there, but it was empty. I heard murmuring coming from the living room, so we made our way there, and froze immediately at the scene in front of us.
Charlie and Sue were lying on the floor with their shirts open, his head resting on her chest. Sue's skirt was pushed up around her waist while he lay between her legs. Sue's hands were tangled in his hair, with his left hand cupping her breast, and his right hand was gripping her hip.
"I've never regretted it." Sue was saying. "How could I regret marrying him, Charlie? I would not have Leah. It doesn't matter anymore. You married Reneé not long after anyhow, if you remember. Can't we just leave all of the mess behind, and start over from here? I never stopped loving you." Her breath was still ragged from their activities.
Bile rose in my throat. I couldn't believe what I was seeing and hearing. They still hadn't noticed Jake and my presence. I was frozen in absolute horror. Jake was tugging on my arm, trying to get me out of the room, and after a moment of hesitation, I complied. I wanted to run away, and never look back. The betrayal of two families was suddenly out in the open, and I wanted to erase it from my mind.
Alice's words came back to me as I emptied my stomach into the yard. I retched and heaved until there was nothing left to come up, and still the retching continued. Jacob stood there watching me helplessly, his hand rubbing circles on my back while he held my hair for me. I knew that I had a decision to make. Did I want to know the extent of their betrayal? Had my father been having this affair forever? Is this the real reason Mom left him?
Alice had said that confronting him now would ultimately bring him a more fulfilling life. The question I found myself asking was this… did he deserve it? The idea of walking away, and forgetting everything I had just seen, sweeping it under the proverbial rug, and burying my head in the sand was somewhat appealing. Could I really sit down and listen to the story of their infidelity? I shuddered.
"What can I do?" Jake implored. "Should I take you home?"
I bit my bottom lip, and closed my eyes, trying to think of what I should do. I decided to tell Jake about Alice's revelation, and ask his opinion.
"Shit, Bells. I don't know! I can't imagine what I would do if I found out my dad had been unfaithful to my mom." He blurted. "What is your gut telling you?"
I leaned my head into his chest, and breathed in his scent. I knew I needed to be rational about this, and that part of rationality is finding facts. I was so exhausted. All I wanted to do was to go to bed, sleep in my Jacob's strong arms, and forget what I had just witnessed.
Ugh! Learning of the infidelity was bad enough, why the hell did I have to actually see the sweaty aftermath of my father having sex? I wanted to scrub my brain with bleach. It all left me feeling so incredibly… icky.
Another part of me knew that Charlie had suffered after Reneé left him. I knew that he still got drunk on their anniversary every year. I knew that he kept a picture of their wedding day framed under his pillow. I knew that he had been trying so hard to take good care of me over the last eighteen months. I knew that he loved me, and that in spite of what had just happened, I loved Charlie. I would always want what was best for him. I knew that my mind was made up.
I pulled myself up straight, and began to walk back toward the house. Jacob stopped me.
"I can't do this with you. I love you, and will be here for you, but I have no right to be privy to this." He kissed my forehead, and wrapped me in a tight hug. "I'll be at my house. Come over when you are ready." And he left.
I marched decidedly up the porch, and opened the door, loudly making my presence known.
"Okay, you two had better make yourselves decent, because I am coming in there in about twenty seconds. You have some explaining to do!"
~UUaAP~
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