AN… So, here's yet another long chapter.
More shocks, more revelations. Hope you like.
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Disclaimer: Although we all wish we were SM, and owned the
awesomeness that is Twilight, none of us are, and none of us do.
Sadly, this includes me. I am just privileged to play around with
her characters.
Chapter 20
World Upside-Down
Leah POV
It could not be true. It had to be the medication talking. Seth and I were Clearwaters, period. I refused to consider the possibility that my brother or I could be Swans. Mom told us her story an hour ago, repeating the same story that Seth overheard, driving him out of the house.
It seems that every time my mother consummated her relationship with Charlie, dear old dad would run in and take his place at the trough, getting his sloppy seconds. Apparently Dad knew about Seth. He knew that there was no way Seth was his own son, but in his need to possess my mother, and assert the Clearwater name, he claimed paternity. Mom was already three weeks pregnant when he came back to her. Apparently his leaving was just his way of seeing if Mom loved him like he claimed to love her.
I wondered if it meant anything to him that she waited over six weeks without hearing a word from him before seeking solace in Charlie's arms? Didn't he realize that Charlie was Mom's first… everything? What had he expected, that she would never move on? That she would pine over him forever? Maybe he thought it started back up between them the moment Charlie crossed the threshold. Who knows? Harry is dead, so he's not talking.
Carlisle seemed to think that after Mom had had a good long sleep that she would be back to her chipper self. I wasn't so sure. She had compartmentalized everything in her life for so long, and all of the walls that she built up crashed around her last night. Her whole world was a heap of rubble. I sure hoped that Charlie was a strong enough anchor in her life. He seemed to really love her.
It's funny. Looking back, I could vaguely remember that time. I remembered Uncle Charlie reading me bedtime stories, and tucking me in at night. I remembered tea parties, and visits to the ice cream parlor. I remembered missing my father, and being so excited when he came home. I remembered piggy-back rides with daddy, and swinging around in circles, and missing Charlie. Daddy didn't read the stories right at night, or make Mommy smile in the morning. He didn't dance with her after dinner, or tell us how pretty we were every day.
My heart ached as I recalled those days that I had not thought much about in fifteen years. I remembered that before Daddy left, he would touch Mommy's face, and tell her he loved her every morning before leaving for work, but after he returned, he hardly ever even talked to her. Their marriage was empty. I remembered thinking so as a teenager, but I really thought that it was typical for people who had been married for years. Seeing how much Charlie still loved Mom after all of these years, and knowing how long Carlisle and Esme had been together, and seeing how they still looked at each other, I had seen a love that could last. It's actually possible, I had proof now.
I suddenly felt the need to have Edward near me. He had lent me his car to bring Seth home. I wondered if it would be overly possessive to call, and ask him to come to me. I needed to borrow his calm. Even the times that he had upset me, he had always managed to bring me back to calm. I didn't want to seem pushy or needy, or even clingy. I had always hated clingy, needy bitches, and I didn't want to be one. (Who was I kidding? I was already clingy, needy, and possessive… and I knew it.) I decided to call, just to talk. I could not admit to myself that I would ask him to come over.
"Leah?" his voice soothed me instantly.
"Edward." I breathed, relief flooding every fiber of my being.
"Is your mother okay?" his voice was thick with his concern.
"Carlisle has her put out for now. He thinks she'll be okay."
"How are you?"
"Better now. I needed to hear your voice."
"I'm on my way to hunt right now. I'll be there in an hour and a half… Well, I mean. That is, if you want me there." It was sweet how he stumbled and sounded suddenly nervous.
"I will always want you, Edward."
"Then I will always be there."
"Edward?"
"Leah?"
"I… " it was too soon to say it, but my heart was bursting with it in that moment.
"I know." Could he hear my thoughts over the phone too?
"Edward?"
"Leah?"
"I meant it."
"Me too. See you in a bit."
Edward stayed true to his word, and was there with me in less time that he had quoted. I was snuggled against his chest, breathing in his scent and presence, and basking in his calm. I was due to go on patrol at seven that evening, and it was already one o'clock. Time was a precious commodity, and I was greedy to spend all of it with Edward that I possibly could.
I napped against his chest, reveling in the cool of his touch. As I slept, my dreams were a puzzling blend of my early childhood, and my present day life. Edward appeared to me over and over again in my childhood segments, whispering to me of a lifetime filled with love, and then he was touching my face, and professing his commitment to me as he pushed and strained inside of me in my present. It was both passionate and slow. We were fire and ice. We moved in perfect unison, giving and receiving pleasure. The dream was so intense, I swear I came.
I awoke, fully sated to Edward touching my face, his nose pressed against my neck. I turned my face to him, and placed a shaky, breathless kiss against his forehead. My whole body felt like a bowl of pasta, all limp and languid. I still felt the clenching shudders of my orgasm. It was the most exquisitely real dream I had experienced, and this time I could remember it all with perfect clarity.
"I dreamed again." I whispered.
"I know."
"I'm sorry, I can't seem to stop dreaming of you like that. It isn't appropriate." I blushed, but squeezed my thighs together all the same against the wetness of my core.
"You can't help what your subconscious mind does."
"I felt you touching my face in my dream, and I think that added to its intensity."
"I'm sorry, I won't do that anymore if it is unpleasant for you." He offered.
"NO!" I blurted. "I- I mean, I like it when you touch me, I just meant that..." I couldn't form my thought into a coherent sentence.
"I think I worked my way into your entire dream. I didn't actually mean to. It's easier for me to tell you my hopes when you are sleeping."
"What are you talking about?"
"I saw myself looking at you as a child in your dream, and I spoke to the little girl I saw there, and promised her that she would be loved. Suddenly I appeared in your dream, and was telling you that very thing. I wanted to comfort that precious little girl, so I touched your face in hopes that she would feel the contact, and know that she was already loved, but then your dream changed, and it was you in the present. In your mind, you were underneath me, and writhing, and my hands were on your face. Your face is lovely flushed like that." His voice trailed off. I knew that my dreams had affected him, and I felt guilty for it. My sexually charged dreams were pressing the limits of our relationship before he was ready for it, and I felt guilty… but I was a greedy bitch, and while I knew that I should suggest that I not sleep in his arms anymore for a while, I couldn't do it. I craved his nearness.
"Don't call yourself that! You are neither greedy, nor a bitch."
"Actually, Edward, when you think about it, I really am a bitch." I arched my brow comically at him. It took only a second for him to see the humor of the situation.
"Yeah, I guess you are." He chuckled. "But only in the most literal sense."
"So, let me propose this, then. When you begin to see me dreaming, you can tell me whatever you want to, but if my crazy, bitch–in-heat brain turns it into something other than platonic, I don't expect you to continue to stick around and deal with the discomfort it causes you. You can always leave the room for a bit, and come back when my dreaming has stopped, or at least turned into something less x-rated!"
"I'll promise you this, if I notice a dream becoming sexual in nature, I will move away from you, so that we are not touching at all. Until such time as we both feel that we are ready to progress that area of our relationship. Then all bets are off, because… your dreams have awakened a part of me that I never knew existed. Bella never caused the response from me that you have."
"I'm sorry." I apologized again, blushing like a school girl.
"No, I should be apologizing. It is actually my fault that the dream was so intense."
"Edward, touching my face and talking to me should hardly make you feel guilty. It's not your fault what my subconscious does with that small input."
"Yeah, but that's not the only thing I did." He looked away from me guiltily. I narrowed my eyes at him while trying to surmise what he was about to confess to.
"What exactly did you do, Edward?" I pressed myself against him, trying to subtly check for evidence of "wood". Finding none, I allowed myself a quick look at his pants. I was surprised to see a large dark, wet spot on the front of his Chinos. My eyes flew to his, wide in surprise. I repeated my question with new fervor.
"WHAT. EXACTLY did you DO, Edward?"
"Well, you were pressing yourself against me, and I became so aroused. I had never felt heat like that against my… and I didn't know that it could feel so… and even with our clothes on, it just felt so…" he was rushing out his admission in embarrassed, broken sentences, and I could not help but giggle. "And you smelled so amazing… and you were moaning, and moving… and then I was moving… and then I was just… and then you… and then…" he hid his face against my neck. "And then you were cumming… and then I… and it was so… and ffffuck." My Edward cursed! I laughed aloud, and snuggled into him.
"You act like you have never cum before." I giggled. He looked up, and stared at me blankly.
"Never?" my eyes were wide.
"Not since I was turned." He shrugged, "And since I don't have many clear memories from before then…"
"You mean, you have never um.. you know, rubbed one out in the shower?"
"I have always thought of sex as a sacred act of love. And having never felt that strength of emotion until Bella, I didn't really struggle with it. And when I began to have fleeting issues with sexual feelings towards Bella, I was easily able to distract myself by hunting. When I would give myself over to the overwhelming sense of the hunt, the rest just fell away. There was never a need to… 'rub one out' as you say."
"Well, when all of this mess that is my family situation is resolved, and the timing is right…" I looked at him through my lashes, giving him my full on 'I want you now' expression. "I will have to remedy this inequity. I will be more than willing to help you make up for all of this lost time." He stared at me, and swallowed hard.
"I'm sorry that I took advantage, Leah. I feel awful."
"Listen, Edward." I turned his head to face me. "We may not have been together for long, but we are - in - this together. I know that you didn't imprint, that was all me… but you need to know… No, you have to know that I am yours. If it in my power to give, it is in your grasp to take. You didn't violate me, I am glad that we were able to share that. It is amazing to me to know that I gave you your first orgasm. You chose to allow yourself that pleasure with ME, and I feel honored, so don't you go feeling all bad!"
"But you were asleep, I didn't have your permission to do something like that! It was wrong, and selfish, and I am ashamed."
"You don't get it, do you?" I started laughing at him. "In my dream, you weren't dry humping me… there was some serious penetration going on. I heard what you were saying to me, and my response was sexual. You actually became a part of the dream. If that isn't giving you my permission, I have no idea what it is." Edward's eyes snapped open, and he looked at me with a smile.
"I hadn't thought of it that way. It was a shared experience, wasn't it?"
"Well, I certainly woke up fulfilled." I sighed, hoping that he was done with his little episode of self-loathing with regards to his awakened sexuality. "Now, stop being a pessimist, it is really a buzz-kill!"
"In that case, I look forward to the correct timing!"
"Right now, though…" I kissed him on the cheek, and wriggled out of his arms. "I have to shower and change, and get some dinner ready before I report for patrol. And you… Mr. Messy Chinos, need to sneak out of here and clean yourself up too!" I giggled.
Edward got up, and crossed the room to give me a short, but very tender, and intimate kiss. I handed him his keys, and pulled his shirt out of his pants, winking at him.
"We don't really need anyone seeing the evidence now, do we?" He grinned mischievously at me, and placed another kiss against my temple, then walked out the door.
I showered and changed, and was heading out of my room just as Bella was approaching. It was comical to open the door, and find her there with her fist in the air, preparing to knock. We shared a brief laugh, and I asked her what I could do for her.
"I was just wondering if it would be alright with you if I looked in the fridge to see what I can throw together from the leftovers for dinner?" I linked arms with her, and started walking towards the stairs.
"I was headed that way myself. Wanna do it together?" Bella nodded and smiled, and we went to the kitchen to make dinner together as if we had been doing this all of our lives.
As we worked to put together a ham and cheese casserole with the leftover mac'n-cheese, (and copious amounts of other ingredients from last night's gathering) we talked about the calamitous events of the last sixteen or so hours.
"Have you heard anything from Jake?"
"He called, and said that he has Seth at his house with Billy. They are trying to help him calm down enough to phase back. I feel so badly for him."
"Well, what about you? How are you holding up?"
"I think I suffered the worst of it while listening to the full story last night. It is really hard to believe that I am part Quileute. I never would have thought it."
"Yeah, it makes your little joke about being part albino almost believable." I kidded her. She shook her head and snorted at me.
"Okay, so how about you? Are you okay through all of this mess?"
"I'm still trying to wrap my head around the whole.. my Mom and your Dad have been sleeping together forever thing. I can hardly bear the thought of the rest." I said with a shudder.
"Do you think that you and Seth will get blood-work done?"
"I don't know. I mean, I keep thinking that Mom is going to wake up and tell us that all of that other stuff was just the meds talking."
"It's kind of interesting though. I mean, we could be sisters. I always wanted a family." She looked down at her hands as if her cuticles were suddenly of great interest.
I looked at Bella then, really studying her face, and trying to find similar features to mine or Seth's. I decided that there was not much similarity to either of us in Bella, but if I was honest with myself, I could see the likeness in Charlie and Seth's jaw lines, and the shape of their mouths. I thought it would be interesting to see Charlie with his face thoroughly shaved. I was willing to bet that the similarities would be greatly enhanced. I didn't have any reservations about believing that Charlie was Seth's biological father. The timing was right, and Seth was so much lighter than myself, or Mom and the man I always thought of as my dad.
"The more I think about it, the more I really want to know the truth. I am so frustrated about the whole situation. I really want to hate Mom and Charlie, but after hearing the story of how Dad - er – Harry… whatever. Ugh, GOD! After hearing about how he basically coerced Mom into marrying him, knowing that she had given her heart, and… everything else to Charlie. I just… I don't know! I mean, I feel for their situation."
"I know. I can't believe that none of us ever saw the love between them."
"I think I did. I always remembered the way he danced with her during those weeks that Dad was gone. I kind of knew that Mom and Charlie loved each other. I just never knew that they had acted on it." I shrugged.
Charlie walked into the kitchen then, looking like death warmed over. He flopped into one of the chairs at the table, and groaned, rubbing at his eyes with the heels of his hands.
"Can I dish you out some ham'n cheese casserole?" Bella offered. "Leah and I just finished it up."
"Is there any coffee?" his voice sounded rough and gravelly.
"I was just about to brew some." I told him softly. I really did need to get some caffeine into my system before I went on patrol. I was really hoping for Seth to be home before I had to leave. I clenched my teeth in frustration at the timing of everything. I really did want to be here for him when he got home, especially knowing that Charlie would still be here. I didn't want there to be trouble between them.
"What are you thinking about Leah? You really look stressed." Bella said, searching my face intently.
"I just wish I could get out of my duties tonight, I really want to be here for the Squirt when he gets home." I referred to Seth by my favorite childhood nick name for him.
"Hey, I bet you could get Emmett or Jasper to take your place if you asked." Bella offered.
"I wouldn't have thought of that, but I bet you're right. I wonder if Sam would allow it."
"You can always call him and ask."
"Uh, yeah.. call Sam?" I laughed. "I'll be right back, I have to go outside for a few minutes to get better… reception." I said to Bella pointedly.
"We might as well just start talking freely in front of Charlie. He was at the bonfire last night, and he is going to figure out the validity of the stories soon enough." She hedged. Charlie looked up at hearing his name, his brows furrowed in confusion. I wasn't sure how much attention he had been really paying to the conversation after the whole coffee discussion was over, but he was listening very intently now.
"Speaking freely about what?" Charlie demanded.
"Dad, the stories last night - were you too drunk to really pay attention to them?"
"Nah, Bells. I listened, I wasn't really drunk, just a little bit buzzed."
"Riiight. And you would accept that explanation from someone behind the wheel, Chief?" Bella cornered him there.
"I wasn't driving, I was listening to the old mythologies of the tribe. I grew up on them, Bells! I know them inside and out!" he rolled his eyes.
"Then open your eyes, and pay attention to the people around you, Dad! Those aren't myths. They are present day facts. The sooner you come to grips with this, the better for all of us, because nearly everyone here in La Push knows the truth. Many of them live the truth every day, including the Cullens." Charlie glared across the kitchen at his daughter.
"Don't talk to me like I am some imbecile, Isabella." Charlie boomed. "I know what I have been observing for the last year. I know who's who, and what's what. I don't need to say the words to know."
"What is it that you know, Dad?"
"Damn it, Isabella, you can't let anything go, can you? You just have to push until you get your way… You really want me to tell you the truth as I see it?"
"Yeah, I think I do, Dad. I was strong enough to handle it last night, and I have been living the reality of these other truths since shortly after I came to Forks. I think I can handle you telling me your take on my realities."
"Fine, I know what the Cullens are.I think I have a pretty good handle on what happened last year when you got hurt in Arizona. Fell down the stairs and got a sparkly cold scar on your wrist? I don't think so, Bella. Then you come home with your arm all bandaged on the night of your birthday, and Edward suddenly can't look at you without looking like he is going to throw up or something. Yeah, clumsy my ass. I knew when he left that it was his way of trying to keep you from that world. I'm not a fool. I just don't understand the part where he thought leaving you in the woods, and running away was a great idea. We all knew that you loved him. What did he think that you were going to do? Skip back to the empty house and sing show tunes? I heard you guys whispering every night. I couldn't catch him, I didn't hear him coming and going, but I damn well knew that he was in my baby girl's bed every night. At least he had the decency not to have sex with you under my roof. I choose to trust what you told me about being a virgin when we had our tense little chat. I wonder, though… can you tell me the same now that you are with Jake? Yeah, I noticed that, don't look so surprised. I'm a cop, Bella. It has been my job to be observant for the last twenty-two years! You think I didn't figure out how Sam was able to find you, and carry you home to me while wearing nothing but cutoffs without suffering hypothermia? Shall I go on?"
~UUaAP~
Bella POV
Leah and I stood in shocked silence after Charlie's tirade. I was amazed that he had already pieced together the truth, even before I had. Some of his words were harsh, but I figure I asked for it. Literally. It amazed me as I stood there, absorbing all that he had told me that he hadn't tried to forbid me from seeing Edward from the beginning, he had seemed fine with the idea of me dating a Cullen once he realized I wasn't talking about Emmett. This was not the first time that I had been surprised by my father, but I think that it was the first time that I stood in absolute awe of him.
"No, I think that about sums it up." I muttered.
"Don't think I failed to notice your lack of acknowledgement of my question, or the blush in your cheeks when I pegged you either. I just hope that you are being wise." His gave me a very pointed stare as he said the word "wise".
I tried my hardest not to act embarrassed. I really didn't want to end up having another "sex" talk with my dad right here and now, and it was really difficult to judge whether or not my face belied the truth of Jake's and my lack of "wisdom" or foresight when we had made love.
"Shit, Bella. I'm calling the clinic tomorrow. You're going on the pill, and Jake and I are going to have a heart to heart. I am not ready to be a grandfather yet. I don't even know how many kids I actually have right now, I can't think about grandkids."
I hung my head in shame. Dad had seen through me all along, why did I think that he wouldn't see through me right then? Dad started laughing then, a deep belly laugh that borderlined hysteria. His face turned red, and his breath became ragged as he laughed himself to tears. When the chuckles became quiet sobs, and I walked forward, wrapped my arms around his shoulders, and rested my cheek on the top of his head. Charlie had been through more since I had come to live with him than any father should have to deal with. I felt so guilty about all of the lying, and sneaking. I should have given him more credit.
"I'm sorry, Dad. I wish I had done so many things differently."
"Bella, don't start living with regret. Let it go, and move forward. Living with regret just shortens your life. You are a smart and sensitive young woman, and believe it or not, I trust you. I knew all along that the half truths and whole lies that you told me were meant to protect the family that you loved so much."
I sighed and hugged him tighter. My father knew me so well. I was really happy to know that. As hard as the last few hours had been, I was happy to know that I didn't have to hide anymore. None of us did. That fact alone made me feel like this paternity issue was a mere speed bump. Once we could move beyond the hurdle of pretense, the rest had to be easy.
Jake walked into the house then, with Seth close behind. Jake's eyes looked tired, and Seth's looked downright weary. Leah ran over to the door and squeezed our little brother into a bear hug. I wanted to follow suit, but I was afraid that it would make him uncomfortable, and I knew that he had had enough discomfort for one day. I opted instead to throw myself into Jake's arms. He hugged me tightly, then leaned down to capture my lips in a tender kiss.
"Have you two eaten yet?" I offered.
"No, but it sure does smell good in here. What did you make?" that's my Jake.
"A huge ham'n cheese casserole, help yourself." I grinned. Seth pushed out of Leah's arms, and followed him into the kitchen to eat.
"Leah, it's already six thirty. Did you want me to call Emmett and Jasper?"
"Yeah, that would be great. I'm gonna run out and discuss it with Sam real quick."
I made a quick call to Emmett, and asked if he would be willing to fill in for Leah. He jumped at the chance, and Jasper, over-hearing the conversation volunteered as well. I made the suggestion that they coordinate with Sam, and help the pack to expand the boundaries of the patrols. They agreed that it sounded like a reasonable plan.
After they had eaten their fill of the casserole they joined Leah, and Charlie and me in the living room. We sat in silence while Charlie searched for a game to watch on the television. I had grown tired of being in rooms filled with tension. It was grating on my nerves that at every turn, something seemed to fall apart. Someone I loved was constantly in turmoil. I wondered if life might someday become peaceful. Then I remembered that in five days, we were expecting a battle. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I was so angry with the way things were that I really wanted to take to fight to them.
"Bella, what's wrong?" Charlie asked. I didn't want to tell him. I respected him enough to not lie to him, but I could not tell him what was bothering me until I spoke to the pack and the Cullens, and got their opinions on the merits of dragging Charlie any further into the madness of the whole truth.
"Nothing I want to discuss right now. I'll be okay, really." I tried to assure him. Charlie looked at Jake, his expression an accusation.
"No! Dad, this has nothing to do with Jake. Really, I'll tell you all about it when I can. Right now, I am just exhausted. I need to go get some sleep." I stood up and put my hand on my father's shoulder, giving it a slight squeeze. "Jake, will you take me home, please?"
"Not so fast, son!" Charlie grabbed Jake's arm as he passed in front of him. "I know. And I need you to know that if you don't protect my daughter from here on out, accelerated healing will not save you. Comprendé?" Jake's eyes grew wide, and he looked at me in a panic. I decided to save him.
"Don't worry, Dad. We'll stop at the drug store and get a stash, I promise. Just don't threaten him. It was really my fault." I hated having to talk about sex with my father at all, even if it was thinly veiled for the benefit of others in the room.
"You'd better." He gave us a stern look. "And this doesn't mean that I approve, but you are not children, and I can't exactly tell you what to do. Just, please, don't make me harm you, boy!"
"I won't, Charlie. I love her, and I don't ever want to be the cause of her pain."
"I know. You've loved her since you were just fifteen. I'm just glad that she wised up, and let you in."
"Me too, Charlie. Me too. "
Jake took my hand, and led me out of the house, and opened the door of his Rabbit for me. I was surprised, this was a first, him holding the door for me. It was so chivalrous. So Edward. I shook my head at the thought, reminding myself that Edward's brand of chivalry always left me a quivering mess of hormones. Jake's more modern idea of romance has scratched that itch, and promised to alleviate future discomfort. I smiled at the humorous thoughts churning in my head as I sat in the Rabbit, and waited for him to close the door. Exhaustion brings out my stranger side.
As we left, I watched the Clearwater house get smaller behind us, and wondered what fresh sorrow tomorrow might bring, while hoping to be surprised by something good. My whole supernatural, fucked up family needed something good.
~UUaAP~
As always….
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