Anna was dressed. She paused to watch John breathing in the bed, admiring the clean lines of his profile on the pillow, the rich curve of boyish cheek, the dark of his hair and eyebrows in contrast to his fair skin. Just now, sleeping, he captivated her. It had been some time since she had really looked at him. My beautiful husband, she thought, drinking him in. She sat on the edge of the bed and leaned over, kissing his cheek, his temple, his brow. He inhaled, opening his eyes. He lifted a hand from the covers and cupped her cheek, bringing her in for another kiss.
"I know I've been drifting away," she said, "And I've been making things hard on you. And I'm going to stop that now. I love this marriage and I want this marriage,"
"Then mind how you're speaking,"
"What do you mean?"
"A marriage is an us, Anna,"
She sighed. "One minute we're closer together and then the next we're drifting apart again, like...like boats on choppy water,"
"We just have to be determined sailors," he took her hand, weaving their fingers together. His eyes were locked on hers. "You cannot expect me to accept not being in your heart," he said.
She looked at him for a long moment. It was true, she had been only sharing certain things and cutting him off from others. The feeling between them wasn't the way it used to be; maybe it never would be, now.
Anna shook her head, "I may never be the same,"
"You're Anna,"
"But-"
"You don't have to be the same. All you have to do is open your heart to me again,"
She let go of his hand and pulled in on herself. "There are things I will never be able to tell you-"
He was rubbing his forehead. "Not...not details," he sighed, "But how you felt-"
Anna shrank. "I don't want you to have any more of these feelings. You've been forced to witness them anyway-"
He sat up in bed now. "Stop protecting me from the thing I need the most. Stop protecting me from you!"
Anna stood. "How can I?"
"You have to. We can't get back on track until you do,"
Anna wanted to leave the room. She forced herself to stay still. "There's a funeral. For a nun. I'm off to that this morning, then I'll see you at breakfast,"
"Don't you know that I love you?" he said. "Do you doubt?"
She shook her head. "I don't doubt. But no one's generosity of spirit lasts forever,"
Anna approached the churchyard. Her breath hung in the frosted air as she crunched over the silver-crusted, frozen grass that was beginning to sparkle in the morning sun. She could see the party of nuns and the priest at their service, but hung back. She shifted her feet nervously then noticed the other women wandering in, several of them standing apart from the service as she was. Anna recognized a few of them from the village. One approached another, they spoke, then another joined them. Two were wearing homespun shawls with mending. Then Anna noticed a handful of men as well, hesitating further back at the edges of the churchyard. Anna was transfixed until a voice surprised her.
"Hello,"
"Hello," said Anna. She recognized the young woman from the cheese shop in the village. "I'm-"
"Mrs. Bates," she smiled, "I'm Elinor Snow,"
"Of course,"
"Good to see you," said Elinor, her eyes lingering on Anna's, then moving away shyly, "I'm going to say hello to some other people," she said, after a moment.
A taller woman in a fine hat was making her way through the churchyard, speaking to several women. Anna recognized Mrs. Isobel Crawley.
"Anna! Hello,"
"Mrs. Crawley," Anna smiled at her awkwardly.
"Did you know Sister Judith?"
Anna avoided her eyes, then met them directly. "I did,"
"She had quite a reputation, you know,"
"I-I didn't know,"
"Oh, yes. It's said she was once suspected of heresy,"
"Oh?"
"But the way I've heard it, the only witchcraft she dispensed was grandmother-style common sense. She was never formally investigated. I believe that even the occasional bishop is wise enough to put results before policy. She helped so many people. She was kept quite busy during the war. No one was better with shell-shock,"
"So she was a..."
"A folk healer, I suppose you could say,"
"But then...why be a nun?"
"How best to reach the most people who needed her? I saw her a few weeks ago, myself. I'd been grieving Matthew quite badly one day and...well, you know, I think she found me," Anna was absorbing this when Mrs. Crawley spoke again.
"I give a women's tea at my house about every fortnight," she said. "It's a bit of an unusual social mix, but quite convivial. Women from the shops at the village come, nurses from the hospital, women from the farms. We had a real suffragette here last month, visiting from the States. But most of the time we don't have a guest speaker; it's just a tea for women. We talk about our lives, as much or as little as we choose. We'd love to have you. I should warn you that we're gaining a reputation for plotting insurrection - though no one can prove it," she laughed.
Anna stared at her for only a beat. "Yes," she said, "I would like to join you,"
She walked back to Downton with a strange new feeling. For months now she had felt exposed, needing to hide. This morning had given her the feeling that she was less a dangling pendant and more a bead on a string of beads. She felt stronger, calmer. When she saw certain women in the village now, she would be reminded.
Anna was striding by the kitchen when she heard a soft argument; the voices belonged to a man and a woman. She walked in to see Erma, a young kitchen maid, springing away from James, who straightened his waistcoat. Erma was pale.
"What's going on?"
"Nothing," said James.
"Erma?"
The girl shook her head.
"James, please leave us," said Anna.
"We were only-" he began.
"James, I have asked you to go,"
"What is it you have against me suddenly, Mrs. Bates?" he sneered the last words.
"You'll not turn this into a personal issue between you and myself," said Anna, "It's quite clear what was going on in here and the rules of the house are quite clear. Now you will explain to Mr. Carson why I have asked you to leave the kitchen. Or I will do it for you,"
The footman gaped at her, his face reddening.
"You can't-"
"You are welcome to test me, if it will clarify our respective positions in this house and your moral standing at this very moment, James,"
He stomped from the kitchen. Anna turned to Erma, who was frozen against a counter.
"Erma, you're a good girl," said Anna. "And you work hard,"
"I am. I-I do,"
"But you play with fire. You need to look after yourself,"
"I look after myself!"
"Look harder," said Anna. "It's time to look harder and do some growing up, Erma,"
Anna strode out of the kitchen and nearly ran down Mrs. Hughes.
"Come into my office, Anna, I must speak with you,"
They paused in the doorway.
"I hope-I hope I did not usurp your authority in any way with what I just said,"
"Well, it is about exactly that," said Mrs. Hughes, "I want to talk to you about apprenticing,"
"What?"
"In the coming years I'll be needing a second. And I'll need to train my replacement at some point anyway,"
"That is many years away, surely,"
"I hope so. And I'm healthy as a horse. But it's not too soon for me to start training my apprentice. I always knew you were head housekeeper material. You could do my job, one day," she said.
John stopped in the doorway. Mrs. Hughes smiled at him then looked back at Anna.
"If you'd even want it," she said.
"Sorry to intrude," said John.
"Not at all, Mr. Bates,"
He looked at Anna. "Are you ready to head home?"
"Yes,"
The moon was creeping up. There was only a slight wind, but quite cold. Shadows of branches wavered on the road as they creaked above. They walked most of the way in silence, Anna wondering again how to close the distance between them without hurting him more than she already had. They had arrived home when he spoke.
"So what was that all about?"
"Oh. Mrs. Hughes seems to think I could be a head housekeeper. She wants to begin training me,"
"You could be any of a thousand things," he said, opening the cottage door, "You can be anything you want,"
She hung their hats and coats and stood near the door while he lit the lamp. She was trying to push the tears down. There had been enough tears.
He looked up at her, waiting.
"I just want one thing," she said, and her voice broke, "I want to be your wife,"
He didn't move, but his voice was tender. "You are my wife,"
"Marrying you was what I'd always wanted. Even before I knew you, you were what I wanted,"
He sat on the couch and held out his arm for her. She sat next to him. He took her hands.
"When he attacked you and no one was there to help, it was probably the most alone you've ever felt," his voice was thickening, "And my dearest wish is that I could go back in time and change it," he sighed, "When the fears come back or you can't sleep or if we argue, I want you to remember that you aren't alone. You'll always be the dearest person in the world to me.
"You said something before you left this morning, about generosity of spirit. But on my part it's not generosity, any more than it was for you when I had been condemned to hang and you said that you would marry me right then. That you had no regrets. I feel the same way, Anna. I would marry you right now,"
He pulled a small velvet box from his pocket. "I have something for you,"
"But...I already have a wedding ring..."
"This goes on your right right hand," he opened it. "It's a claddagh. If you wear the heart pointed in, like this," he slipped the thin silver symbol onto the ring finger of her right hand, "It means that your heart belongs to someone. This hand," he took her left, "Is marriage. This one," he levered the claddagh, "Is friendship, loyalty and love-the hands, the crown and the heart. It means I put you above all others, that you are my dearest friend, and that you are the love of my life,"
Anna could barely get the words out. "I didn't need a ring to know-"
"So you don't like it?"
Anna wrapped her arms around him; he pulled her in tightly. Anna began to weep, the sobs pounding her chest against his.
"I'm so sorry he hurt you," he said, and the flood unleashed. She hadn't cried to him yet about how much it had hurt, about how scared she had been. She had kept those tears to herself, hoping to spare him. He rocked her gently. "I'm so sorry, my darling," Anna gave over and wept until the flood had dissipated.
She found a handkerchief; he pulled her onto his lap, took it from her and began dabbing her face.
"You know," he said, "When I saw you with nuns I did have a terrible moment,"
A laugh burst out of Anna.
"I thought you had taken the holy vows and might be moving out for good,"
"You didn't really think that?" she was still laughing.
"For an instant, yes, I did," he was laughing now.
"I'm sorry about that, too. I want to-I want to start over and-"
"It's not about putting it behind us, Anna. It's just about getting on, just as we are. Together,"
"I'm afraid I'll-make even more mistakes,"
"Well, of course you will. So will I. We have to take it as it comes. One foot in front of the other,"
"Stitch by stitch," she said.
"What?"
"I'll tell you sometime," said Anna. "But not tonight,"
