Previous chapter looked aweful. Just fixed it. Do not. I repeat. Do not ever post a chapter wrote while drunk lol. Anyway, events in this story will differ greatly from the show. I never got around to watching it so I am just here to say fuck it.
this story is, if it wasn't obvious already, a psychological/horror/romance
To any new readers. WELCOME.
Song that inspired this chapter: Terrible Lie by NIN
Chapter 16: Mindful
When I woke today I felt a little different. A little strange. I felt like my chest was bleeding out. Like someone ground it up raw. It was painful. I think that this feeling was always there. I must have numbed it somehow. I must have been covering it up.
I should take the time to think about it. I wont though.
I placed my hand on the center of my chest then I looked back at it. For whatever reason I expected it to be covered in blood. But, of course it isn't.
Its all in my head. I need to stop letting this place get to me. I need to reinforce myself.
Who am I?
It hurts. I have been doing a lot of things I would never do before. But, somewhere in the back of my mind excuses form.
Justifications.
Have I really done anything wrong?
No, I couldn't have.
Those righteous thoughts. That reasoning. My own fabricated form of kindness. Its all being suffocated by another part of myself. I wont let it make me suffer. Ill bury it.
Ill bury it.
He has no right to ask for it. No right. Why is he doing this.
Then it hit me. He wants it. He wants me to feel. He wants to feel. He is using me for some kind of self satisfaction. Just like I am trying to use him.
I refuse. I wont do it. I wont do it for him.
Its hurting again.
In an attempt to soothe it I close my eyes and take a deep breathe. Those thoughts are getting locked away as something darker takes their place. Something imaginative. The thing I was from the beginning.
The monster that I am.
Monster.
I start to laugh gently. A small giggle.
Yes. I see. To think the word that used to hurt me the most is now becoming a comfort. Grimmjow was right.
Acceptance is the best answer. The only answer.
But, I can feel it still. That compassionate person inside me is crying. Telling me I should shrink back. Telling me to be better.
What use would that person be in a place like this? Besides, its not like I hadn't always wanted these things.I have always been obsessive with sex. That forbidden act that I denied myself for that good person I thought I had to be. Out of fear. Out of love.
The door to my room makes a sudden sound as it opens. I turn my head and watch its slow and even moment. Eventually Ulquiorra appears. And I... I let myself smile.
It must be time for me to go.
Chapter 17: Curse
Each step we took seemed to speak in a simple - rhythmic language. His sound was brisk and perfect. My sound was heavy, it contrasted nicely. I distracted myself with this sound. Because if I looked at him I might hurt him. And that would be absolutely wonderful.
Its just... I just... We are alone in these halls.
All alone. But so easy to expose. Any of the doors in these halls could open. Anyone could be walking around corners ahead.
These things that should deter me are exciting me.
I find myself breaking into a smile, my hands shaking. I am crazy. But, I do not care. Not anymore. I will not care.
I reach out suddenly with strength that I didn't think I had. His body jolts, his eyes widen a bit. I wonder if the shock of my sudden attack that is letting me move him where I want him as I slam his body into the nearest wall. His head hits it violently and makes a satisfying sound. His face shows no signs of pain though. As always, there is nothing.
Respond to me.
I place a hand on top of his shoulders and squeeze them as hard as I can. Digging as deep as I can. I do not know why he hasn't moved yet. I look up at him, he is watching. Waiting.
Analyzing me again.
This enraged me. In retaliation I leaned in and bite hard on his collar bone. He twitch's but refuses to move. So I bite harder. I can feel his skin breaking, blood spilling. I dig deeper in with my teeth upon feeling the warm fluid seep out.
After a moment longer he grunts and pulls me away. I can feel his blood trailing down from my lips and drip off my chin. It tastes metallic.
He then lets go and continues walking forward, when I make no move to fallow he stops and looks back at me.
"Lord Aizen is waiting."
I start to fallow him again. This is the first time I have ever tasted someones blood. I look up at the red stain on his jacket. It was so pristine before.
I do not feel guilty. No. Instead I find pleasure in it. I stained him.
I want to ruin him even more.
And the more I think this, the more the idea controls me. My pain, its subsiding.
