"Sup James."
"Coulda told me you'd have Carlos over."
James came home to his apartment and was immediately greeted by his roommate, Kendall, who unexpectedly had his boyfriend over. They were cuddled up on the sofa watching TV in a more or less dark room.
"Sorry, didn't think you'd care," Kendall explained.
"Not such a big deal," said James. He hung his jacket up in the closet and kicked off his shoes. "But I have some homework to do, so don't make too much noise."
"Noooooo problem," said Carlos. He grinned real big. "Just gonna hang here with ma boy."
"Mmhmm," Kendall agreed. "How's your little bat guy?"
"He's fine," James said with a chuckle, thinking about Logan. "I got him to leave the apartment today."
"Cool!" Kendall said. "Do you think he uh…likes you?"
"I dunno," said James. He walked behind the sofa and headed towards his room. "I really don't know." He sulked away and closed the door. Okay, he thought. Homework time. Ugh. He turned on a lamp and sat at his desk. Logan was fresh on his mind, and it was going to be difficult to focus. The history book stared at him. Yawn.
About an hour later he made little progress. He put his face down on the desk and closed his eyes. All he could think about was Logan. What plans would he come up with for tomorrow? What would Logan like to do? Would there be some magical memory that James could muster up inside him?
THUMP THUMP.
James jumped up suddenly. There was series of loud noises coming from Kendall's room. Oh jesus. You've got to be kidding, James thought to himself. How would he get through the rest of his homework with all that racket?
"Ohhh God, ohhhh god!" Carlos called out. The walls were super paper thin, which was always a major setback of their place. James clapped his hands over his ears but it did no good. Carlos continue to scream, "Oh my God, ooooh my God. Oohhh mi amor! Oh! Oh! Kendaaalll!"
James took his iPod out from a drawer in the desk and blared some Maroon 5. There was no way he would finish his homework at this rate. For a brief moment, James wondered what it would be like to have sex with Logan. He probably never had a relationship or any kind of romantic contact, so he wouldn't be very good. That would be fine with James. He loved Logan.
Wait.
He loved Logan?
James paused the iPod and realized what he had thought just then. I love Logan. Did he really? Did he love Logan?
"OH GOD! KENDALL! AAHH! AHH! OH GOD! YOU'RE SO BIG!"
Okay, that was a little too much. Come on, guys. Could they have some dignity?
"You're so nice and tiiiight," Kendall answered.
James got up and banged on the wall. "GUYS! QUIET DOWN!" he yelled.
"Sorry!" Kendall and Carlos both said at the same time.
"Ugh," James huffed to himself.
Hopefully the boys would calm down, but either way he decided to stop being productive and just go to bed. He stripped down to his boxers and climbed underneath his black satin bed sheets. They caressed his smooth body and cradled him like the boyfriend he didn't have. Would Logan like the feel of his sheets? Probably.
"Ahhh, Carlos. Mmmm, ooh wow. Oohh Carlitos! Yeaaah. Mmm." Kendall started making noise again, probably while Carlos went down on him.
"Are you kidding?!" James called out. "Guys, come on!"
"Sorry!" the couple on the other side of the wall yelled. "Sorry sorry!"
"James is just grumpy 'cause he needs to get laid," Kendall said quietly.
"I heard that," James said. He rolled his and snuggled into the pillow. He imagined Logan resting next to him as he fell asleep.
The next day, James clumsily made his way over to Logan's apartment due to lack of sleep. He came in through the door and called out, "Loooogan!"
"Over here," Logan replied from the living room. "Are you okay? You sound bad."
"I'm so tired," James groaned. He shuffled over to the sofa and sat down beside Logan. "My roommate kept me up late. Couldn't finish my homework."
"What's it like to have roommates?" Logan asked.
"It can be cool sometimes. They're fun to hang with, good to divide up chores. But when they make noise and keep up and stuff it's not so much fun."
"Ohh…well…" Logan sighed and made a shy face. "Well you know you can always come here if you want some peace and quiet."
"I might have to take you up on that," James said, looking at the blind boy sweetly.
"Anytime. I'd love the extra company."
"That would be amazing. Sometimes my roommate makes too much noise with his boyfriend."
"His? Boyfriend?" Logan asked with interest.
"Uh huh. He's gay. Well, we're all gay."
"Ohh…"
"Does that bother you?"
"No."
"Um, hey, uh, if you don't mind me asking," James cleared his throat. "Do you have a sexual preference?"
"I guess not," Logan answered very as a matter of factly. "I mean, I went blind before I hit puberty, so I can't really have physical attraction. If I ever had a relationship, it would be based only on an emotional bond. But, well, you know…"
"I know what?"
Logan smiled halfheartedly and let out a quiet sigh. He folded his hands in his lap. "I'll never have a relationship."
"Why would you say that?" James asked softly.
"Nobody would want one with me."
"How come?"
"I'm a burden. You know that. Yeah, you like to take care of me, but it's your job. Who would want to date a burden? Nobody could ever love me."
James looked at Logan with sympathy. Did he really believe such things about himself? It was difficult to take in. He had so much to offer, despite his disability.
"Logan…"
The taller of the two put a hand on Logan's shoulder and turned him. Even though he couldn't see, it seemed as though he was looking up at James. His jittery, milky eyes appeared to fixate on the aid.
"You're a wonderful person," James said. "You're full of wonder, have a kind and caring disposition. One day you'll make someone very happy, it just will take some understanding."
"I dunno," Logan whined. "I can't imagine anybody would want to be married to a problem like me. I've never even been kissed or anything."
"That's nothing to be ashamed of," James said. Shaking on the inside, he put his index finger on Logan's cheek. His skin was so soft, so delicate. "It's almost kind of sweet. You have a certain innocence about you."
"Hahah I guess," Logan giggled. He moved a little closer to James, nuzzling against the finger. His lips separated and a sweet smile stretched across his face.
"But I have some bad news," James said.
"What's that?"
"With all of the ruckus going on at my place last night, I couldn't figure out something fun to do today. I guess we'll have to wing it."
"Err…I dunno." Logan looked apprehensive.
"What?"
"I don't know if I want to go out today."
"Oh, well that's fine. We can just stay in. Any particular reason why?"
"There's something else I'd rather do."
"What's that?"
"Can we go to my room?"
"Yeah of course."
Logan got to his feet and ran his hand along the molding of the wall, as usual, and went to his room. James followed closely behind, wondering what Logan was up to. He walked up to the closet and pointed at the floor. That memory trunk was still sitting there.
"I want to go through it some more," Logan said.
"Okay, we can do that. You think you can handle it?"
"Yeah."
They both sat down on the floor. James clacked open the sides of the trunk and raised the lid up high.
"Tell me what's in there," Logan said softly.
"Okay. Well, a bunch of photos like I said before. But I don't think that does any good."
"Yeah."
"Aaaand," James pushed the photos aside and looked at the bottom. "There's a scarf. Here, touch it."
Logan took the silky fabric from James's hand and held it up to his face. He inhaled it deeply and smiled. "Still smells like my mama," he whispered.
"Are you alright?" James asked.
"Uh huh. Keep going."
"Here's a small box," James said, taking a wooden square into his hands. He opened it up and revealed two old time pieces. "Watches," he said.
Logan held out his hand and James gave him the watches, one after the other.
"I think they were my dad's," Logan said. "He had a lot of them. My aunt sold the real nice ones."
"That's a shame. Was she your dad's sister?"
"Yeah. They didn't really get along well." Logan looked sad when he said that.
"Sorry."
"It's okay," the blind guy hummed. "I just hope they've made peace by now."
"Oh I'm sure of that."
"Hey James?" Logan asked, shifting his mood somewhat.
"Yeah?"
The shorter of them snapped one of the watches onto his wrist. "Have you had a boyfriend ever?"
"Yes," James answered quickly. His heart picked up speed. Why was Logan asking him about relationships? He tried to remain cool.
"Is it nice?"
"Yeah of course. Being lonely is no fun."
"I know how that is."
"You won't always be lonely."
"I will," Logan insisted sadly. James refused to let him believe that. He slipped an arm around his shoulders and pulled him close.
"You won't."
"You don't understand," Logan said. "Nobody wants me. Nobody wants to spend their whole life taking care of some guy."
"That's not true," James said.
"Yah-huh."
"Why would you think that? You barely know anything about the grown up world."
"'Cause it makes sense, that's why. Relationships are all about people helping each other. If the one person has nothing to offer, then it will never be…good…or something."
"You think you have nothing to offer?" James asked. Logan nodded. "You do."
"Nu-huh."
"Yes, you do."
"What, then?"
"I already told you. Now it seems you've convinced yourself that you'll always be lonely!"
"Just accepting reality."
"Logan, you're crazy. And I know crazy!" James turned Logan to face him. "You have plenty to offer. Even just physically you're a knockout. Okay?"
Logan was quiet. His face turned red.
"Making your life better gives me meaning," James said. "You help me by letting me help you. Does that make sense?"
Logan remained silent. He fumbled his hands around in his lap nervously. James really, really wanted to know what was going on in his mind. It seemed to him that Logan was purposefully trapping James into admitting he cared about him. Or maybe he was reading into it too deeply. Either way, Logan's intentions seemed clear on some level.
James inhaled sharply.
"I want to be w…"
Logan cut him off. He put his finger over James's lips, almost smack on. He stood up on his knees so that he was level with James's face. His hand opened and his touched his helper's cheek. He ran his fingers over the freshly shaven skin, taking in all of its contours. James closed his eyes and Logan's tender touches traced circles on his face. He longed for this sensation. What was going on?
"Do you love me?" Logan asked out of the blue.
"Do I love you?" James threw back at him.
"Yeah, do you love me…"
"Do you love me?"
"I don't really know what loving is," Logan admitted. "It's never had the chance to grow. Well, not…haha…not until, well…"
"You love me?" James asked, feeling a little awkward. Once more, what was going on?
"Do you love me?" Logan asked.
"Y-yes," James hesitated. Logan stopped breathing for a moment. "Do you?"
Logan said nothing.
"I do love you, Logan," James continued. His heart was beating faster than it should, but the honesty felt good. "I really do. I want to take care of you, but not as my job. I want to be here for you, and make your life amazing. I want to help you every day, all day. I love you."
The blind one put his other hand upon James's face now. He pulled him close and their lips met. Nothing big, nothing wet; just a simple smack on the lips. James wanted more, but he would be patient. Logan slid his cheek along James's and pressed his mouth close to his ear.
"I think I love you too, James."
